When Co-workers do things like ask about weekend plans, chat about non-work topics, eat lunch in the same room, they are–subconsciously–reaffirming that they are part of a cooperative (or, minimally, non-antagonistic) social group.
The other primates cement social bonds by grooming each other; we do it by making small talk.
If they solicit your participation in these rituals, and you repeatedly refuse those bids, you are marking yourself out as, at best, an outsider to the group, and thus potentially antagonistic.
This is all happening on the monkey-brain level; they have no idea what they’re doing or how they are interpreting your response, so there’s no way to clear up the misunderstanding.
To the ape sleeping in your co-worker’s DNA, either you are part of the grooming circle, or you are an outsider who, for all it knows, may be coming to steal all the bananas.
Even if you would prefer not to socialize with your co-workers, it’s generally worth it to set aside 5 minutes a couple times a week for phatic communication. You don’t have to answer your co-workers’ affiliative signals every time, but it’s less trouble in the long run if you respond to a few of them.
if you are the type of person who really just wants to be left alone to do their work in quiet: it is actually easier to achieve this as part of the in-group. when you enter a new space, in this case, a job, make it your GOAL to make everyone Know Who You Are. introduce yourself to everyone you meet. literally everyone. “hi I’m Jack I’m New.” this helps burst the awkward bubble. you are now one of the monkeys.
at some point, either in response to an invitation, or just in the natural course of conversation, you can add in that you are a “quiet type” who “needs their silence” or what have you. customize to your personal needs. i find it helpful to imagine a well dressed elderly woman describing the sort of peace she needs to manifest.
roughly once a week if you see a group of people chatting, engage with them. keep it pleasant. it can be superficial. word will travel that you are Nice and Quiet and Not The Chatty Type protecting you from group lunches etc. if you have an office with a door that you keep closed a lot, putting up any kind of decor will also send positive signals.
humans are monkeys! for better or worse!
Pro tip: try to make a note (write it down if you have to) about some inconsequential thing that your coworker mentions so you can ask about it later. Kids and pets are great for This. As are hobbies. One guy in my office zoom called in from his house and I saw he had an arcade game in his office so I asked him about it later and he lit up like a Christmas tree. Another coworker has a pet pig and I ask every couple months how the pig is doing. This is a great strategy for pivoting conversation away from you and will make them think you are the friendliest monkey in the pod.
The grooming circle also serves a very practical purpose. Getting to know each other - even superficially but regularly - makes people more likely to feel comfortable asking for something they need, more likely to say yes, and more likely to trust each other with sensitive information. All of this makes people better fellow human beings to each other.
It means my coworker is more likely to feel safe enough to tell me “Can you take over my shift tomorrow?” and I’m more likely to say “yes” even when I don’t want to, because I care about his well being and he also takes over shifts for me when he doesn’t want to.
It means my coworker is more likely to ask me for help if they experience sexual harassment at work, or if they think they’re being underpaid, or if they’re actually very lonely and need someone, anyone, to go to their Mom’s funeral with them.
And maybe this ritual of trust-building feels unnecessary to you. Maybe you would do all these things for random strangers, but your coworkers won’t know that unless they get to know you a little, so they won’t know that they can ask you for help.
Yeah, I had a boss tell me they asked HR if they could fire someone for not socializing, and when HR asked if they were still doing the job well, and he said yes, they told him no. It’s really messed up for us neurodivergent folks out here. We’re just trying to survive.
not an apologizer but a contextualizer. yes the character did that but please understand the Circumstance. yes they had other options but they had to make this choice in a sea of available bad choices. and also it made the narrative more interesting. won’t anybody think about the narrative!!!!!
this is a great time of year to buy from native stores or donate to native organizations. you can figure out who’s land you’re on here, and below i’ve listed some (of many) businesses you can support ♡
B.Yellowtail — jewlery, clothing, and home goods designed by Bethany Yellowtail, citizen of the Northern Cheyenne Nation and from the Apsáalooke (Crow) Nation
Cheekbone Beauty — sustainable, low-waste beauty products from Jenn Harper, an Anishinaabe artist based in Canada
Trickster — atheletic products from Tlingit and Deg Hit’an Athabascan siblings (Alaska)
NativeHumboldt on Etsy — the artist, Shayna McCullough, and their fiancé make designs inspired by traditional designs from their culture; she is from the Yurok tribe and descended from the Hupa, Karuk, Redwood Creek, Pit River, Yuki, Wintun, Pomo (tribes in California), and Chetco tribe (in Oregon)
OklahomaThirtyNine on Etsy — they mostly sell beaded work, particularly earrings, as well as some necklaces
Podolly Deudermontia (Sheep in wolf's clothing) and Nasrin Domexx (Black Rose) from Excalibur. Former Hunt Leader, guild owner of Genesis. 1 Medium house in Lavender Beds (W4, P51) and 1 small house Mist (W12, P52) on Excal. Roxinova Haakama (Roxanne Casanova), Mina Oasas (Oracle of Ages, Seasons, And Secrets) on Diabolos. Owner of Redemption, co-owner of Post Scriptum. 1 small house Goblet (W20, P17), 1 small house Lavender Beds (W15, P25) on Diabolos. Nasrin Tea (Black Rose) on Shiva. Owner of Blood Saints. 2 small house on Shirogane (W16, P11)(W16, P17) on Shiva. Andraax Heartvein on Brynhildr. Co-owner of Redemption. 1 small house Ishgard (W11, P9).
