BATCOM CONVO MASTERPOST

(since multiple people sent asks about this, I'll put them all here and link this post in my pinned)

part 1

part 2

part 3

part 4

part 5

part 6

part 7 (league days pt 1)

part 8 (league days pt 2)

part 9

part 10

part 11

part 12 (league days pt 3)

part 13

part 14

part 15

part 16

part 17

part 18

part 19

part 20

part 21 (league days pt 4)

part 22

part 23

part 24 (league days pt 5)

part 25

part 26

part 27

part 28

part 29

part 30

part 31

part 32

part 33

conversations overheard on the batkid com lines pt 12 (league days 3) masterpost here

Dick: ok do another one, do another one.

Damian: *grunt* *the sound of fists hitting faces* i just did one- *yelp* aren't you guys taking down a cartel tonight?!

Tim: yeah but we're just waiting around for things to kick off right now, come on, give us another one.

Damian: god- fine, hold on. *the metal shlink of a katana being unsheathed*

Jason: *snorts*

Tim: he's so nice to us...

*distant screams*

Dick: you are so, so lucky that B's on bed rest tonight Robin. so lucky.

Damian, strained: yeah, well, tonight i'm not Batman's Robin, i'm Red Hood's, and Red Hood's Robin gets shit done faster.

Jason: atta-fuckin'-boy. i found the files in the back room by the way, just let me know if you need help.

*a scream* *a metal shlink*

Jason: although you sound to be doing fine.

Damian: *sigh* alright done. ok... it's loading a card.

Tim: i swear to god, i'm going to fucking ace this one.

Dick: yeah, well you said that last round.

Tim: I MEAN IT THIS TIME.

Jason: *snickers*

Damian: alright. ready?

Dick: bring it on, kiddo.

Damian: 'apart from my father, there is one other member of the bat-community that i am biologically related to. that person... is Duke Thomas.'

Jason: oh this is gonna be awesome

Dick: *sputters* S O R R Y?

Damian: *sigh* well i suppose that's one way for it to come out.

Tim: there is NO GODDAMN WAY- HE'S BLACK.

Damian: and you think i'm white? don't be racist, Red Robin.

Tim: I JUST MEAN- there is no goddamn way. absolutely not. this is a nay, it's a lie. we'd know.

Damian: fine. is that your final answer?

*silence*

Tim: ...for the sake of the game. explain.

Dick: *laughs* *deliriously* this is ridiculous...

Damian: ...so... as you all know... Duke's mother is Elaine Thomas and his step-father is Doug Thomas, while his biological father was the criminal known as Gnomon.

Tim, begrudging: mhm.

Damian: but what was kept hidden from you is that shortly before Duke was born, Gnomon was an associate of the league of assassins, and was a close associate of my grandfather.

Tim: ok there is no goddamn way- why would Ra's care about Gnomon?!

Damian: how small-minded are you, Drake? Gnomon is an immortal entity, hundreds, perhaps thousands of years old. are you stupid enough to believe that my immortality obsessed grandfather couldn't have met Gnomon at some point in his life and decided to keep in contact so he could combine their knowledge for his own gain at some point in the future?

Dick: ...alright shit he has a point.

Tim: NO HE FUCKING DOESN'T? HOW DOES GNOMON BEING FRIENDS WITH RA'S EXPLAIN HIM AND DUKE BEING RELATED?

Damian: well-, oh, shit. There are more men approaching the warehouse, Hood.

Jason, gleeful: nah nah, you stay inside and keep answering questions, i got this.

*gunshots* *distant yells and screams of pain*

Damian: eight o'clock, sniper.

Jason: got it, now focus on the game.

Dick: beautiful priorities. Robin, carry on.

Damian: *sigh* fine, what is the next question?

Dick: how does Ra's and Gnomon's friendship explain your relation to Signal?

Damian: ah. well, you are aware that i was originally created to be a potential new vessel for my grandfather?

Jason: *grunt* *snorts* yeah, until you started info-dumping about parrot species and he decided he wasn't gonna touch that brain with a ten foot pole.

Damian: shut up, i thought you weren't allowed to partake in the game? ANYWAY, you all know that i was originally just a vessel, and thus i was modified in the loa labs to enhance my abilities,

Tim: UHM-?

Dick: woah woah woah woah- NO? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE A LAB CHILD?

Damian: ....oh you didn't? that's not even a part of the game, i thought you knew that.

Tim and Dick, simultaneously: WHAT?!!??!

Jason: ??? yeah, guys, he got pit-dipped at one point and everything. i used to sit with him on the operating table after experiments and read him books. Ra's used me for some of those experiments too so it was kinda like sharing a room.

Dick: DOES BRUCE KNOW-

Damian: well i fucking thought he did but if you're all gonna be dramatic about it then i don't want to check...

Dick: DRAMATIC? DAMIAN, WE NEED TO-

Tim: Dick shut the fuck up a minute,

Dick: eh?!?

Tim: no- just, you know, it is a big deal and i'm happy to freak out about our little brother being experimented on later tonight, but for now... kinda trying to lock in on this fucking game.

Jason: *wheeze*

Tim: so you were experimented on, go on.

Damian: .........well... part of that experiment included mixing my DNA with that what grandfather believed might make me immortal, and he had asked Gnomon to kindly donate some DNA samples some decades back. so they were incorporated into my genetic make-up, meaning that some of my parental heritage technically belongs to Duke's father, making us biological half-siblings.

Dick, sarcastically: and you just decided never to mention it?

Tim: that's it, call Duke, i don't care if he's asleep-

Jason: ah-ah-ah-! no phone-a-friends!

Damian: -well Hood knew as he was aware of the experiments i went under, and of course i told Duke; apart from that it simply didn't seem relevant.

Tim: didn't seem relevant.

Dick: and Duke didn't think it was relevant either?!

Damian: ...to be honest, i don't think my brother wanted to start up another bout of batfamily drama. especially not one he was centric too. he found it funnier to keep it under wraps and watch from the side-lines.

*silence*

Tim: ...fuck that does sound like Duke.

Dick, amused: Tim-

Tim: NO. NO, DICK. BECAUSE THIS KEEPS FUCKING HAPPENING-

Jason: -you guys are on a stakeout, should you be saying his name so loud-?

Tim: AND THE CRAZIEST SHIT IS ALWAYS THE SHIT THAT'S TRUE! WE ALWAYS GET IT WRONG AND IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE.

Dick: ok but listen to him, there is no way that Dames and Duke are-

Tim: OK BUT WE SAID THAT ABOUT THE ALLIGATOR STORY, AND THE ONE IN PARIS, AND THE THING ABOUT THE LAVA-,

Damian: *snorts*

Tim: -AND HE'S FUCKING LAUGHING AT US-

Dick: BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE'S LYING,

Tim: -OR, OR BECAUSE HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH AND HE'S SMUG ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF CHAOS THIS PARTICULAR SECRET IS CAUSING.

Jason: holy fuck is that Black Mask-? uh, ok, wrap this up, me and my Robin for the night got business to attend to.

Damian: very well. final answers, you two. yay or nay?

*silence*

Tim: *screech of despair*

Dick: *cackle* ok, i'm saying nay, there's no way.

Damian: Red Robin?

Tim: .....um.

Tim: FUCK.

Dick, laughing: Tim,

Tim: LAST TIME I THOUGHT ONE OF THESE WAS RIDICULOUS IT WAS THE TRUTH! THE RIDICULOUS ONES ARE ALWAYS YAYS, IT'S RIDICULOUS.

Jason: that word has lost all meaning.

Damian: well?

Tim: fuck. ok i'm saying yay. yay, sure, whatever. it's the truth. give it to me. i'm fine. tell me now.

Jason: *snorts* Robin?

Damian: ...of course it's a nay, why on earth-

*the sound of something smashing against concrete*

Tim: OH- OH OF COURSE- WHY THE FUCK- OBVIOUSLY IT'S A FUCKING LIE, WHO THE FUCK WOULD HAVE BELIEVED THAT OBVIOUS BULLSHIT-

Jason: *wheezing*

Dick: Red, Red calm down- *wheeze*

Tim: HE SAID THAT HE AND FUCKING SIGNAL WERE RELATED, WHY THE FUCK WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN REAL? WHY WOULD ANYBODY- i'm going to fucking kill myself. i can't- i'm going to-

Dick: ok well you may not have to, because you totally gave away our position and i can see like three guns pointed in our- ok fuck DUCK-

*rapid gunshots*

Tim: I HATE THIS FUCKING GAME- FUCK-

Dick: RED SWITCH LINES WE GOTTA FOCUS HERE.

Damian: sucks to suck, Drake. see you two back at the cave.

*two pings*

*silence*

Jason: Black Mask is staring at me from across the street. he sees us, Robin.

*a beat*

Damian: Hood, what are you- are you having a fucking staring contest with him?

Jason: shut up, you're gonna distract me.

Damian: you're wearing a face-covering helmet-

Jason: I SAID SHUT UP I'M WINNING THIS THING.

nosferatu (2024) is so fucking funny. they did this joke twice

It's a het ship to YOU. To ME, they are both incredibly bisexual.

whenever a kid in school asked me to spell icup i would just keep spelling it e-y-e-c-u-p until they got annoyed and i asked “well how are you supposed to spell it” and then they would spell it out and fucking own themselves and never recover and have to change schools, every time, self-esteem obliterated for life

“average person eats 3 spiders a year” factoid actualy just statistical error. average person eats 0 spiders per year. Spiders Georg, who lives in cave & eats over 10,000 each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted

world heritage post

hi folks. this post always seemed familiar to me for some reason, even when i saw it the first time. i only just figured out why, it uses a message i sent to my brother two years ago

world heritage post

penis serious penis delirious

go into the woods call that penis mysterious

penis various penis hilarious

dawn of the age of the penis aquarius

penis ponticulous penis meticulous

wearing my clown shoes im penis ridiculous

world heritage post

3:55am

i cannot believe op left out the best part, all of the fucking memes that came from this

world heritage post

we should abandon the current US government system and replace it with the ranking system in warrior cats don’t @ me

just saying that obamastar is way cooler than trumpstar

also what the hell are kits then

babies. duh

Are you telling me kids are going to be apprentices for like twelve fuckin years,,,, thats 24 times as long,,,,

yes. 12 years: 1st grade to 12th grade, american school system. ive thought this through

And what the h*ck is the medicine cat

you guys are really not thinking this through huh it’s a fucking doctor you degenerate

wait. what are cats then

…theyre still cats what the fuck are you on

do we actually hunt for food or do we go grocery shopping and call it hunting

i said the ranking system guys not their lifestyle im going to lose it

the fuck is a warrior cat

someone’s going to die today and it sure as fuck is not going to be me

Would the time zones become the clans or would it just be randomly assigned

it’s the ranking system. the leader is the president. it’s one clan. we’re one clan can’t you fucking read i’m this close to bursting into tears

ok but what about other countries? would there be americaclan and canadaclan and stuff?

it does say US government system on the original post. you saw that, right? you read the post? the US? just america?

wait does that mean the president rules until someone else comes along and wrecks their shit?

i mean, yeah. until that motherfucker dies he’s leader, that’s how wc works. kill your leader, start a riot & shut the fuck up im so stressed

I, for one, do not think trump should get nine lives

neither should tigerstar but guess what

Isn’t this just a monarchy? Or a dictatorship?

it’s the warrior cats ranking style that’s what it is

hey @tophat-octopus trying to hide this stupid question in the tags. what do you think a vice president is

what are two legs considered?

youre just like the guy who asked what cats would be. twolegs are people we just wouldn’t use that term??? im

probably a dumb question but what about rogues and loners

rogues arent even a part of the clan ranking system i do not think i can handle this thread much longer

what about other government officials? are they just warriors? or would they not exist??

thEYRE WARRIORS. THEY DONT EXIST I CANNOT DO THSI ANYMORE

why the fuck is firefox tweeting abt warrior cats

tweeting? i’m tweeting? tweeting? this is Twitter? huh? is this fucking Twitter?

world heritage post

It’s time to activate it…

Bites The Dust! now this entire post will be reversed!

Am I having a fucking stroke

yes

world heritage post

world heritage post

Bitches will be like "prev tags omg" on my post and I check the preg tags and it's like "blorbo from my shows"

world heritage post

Happy late anniversary to the post that changed tumblr’s (and the entire internet’s) vernacular forever

This one ended up just a little bit angsty, and not particularly holiday themed but my first thought was "Cap bleeds gold" so here we are! Hopefully the snow and the North Pole jokes make up for that.

Story below the cut ✂️