The Damnation of The Deer - Mergana Fanfiction
What if Arthur's death united Merlin and Morgana leading Morgana to seek the path to redemption?
Skinty fia which is the name of a Fontaines DC’s album is an Irish phrase that loosely translates into The Damnation of The Deer. I interpret this phrase as describing an Irish woman who is persecuted and abused and lashes out at the world in pain because of this. Merlin also has an Irish accent in this story.
“Oh god. Oh god no. No no no no. Merlin-.” “Save it Morgana.” Merlin interrupted. “Please. If there is an ounce of soul left in your body you will leave. Just leave me alone with him.” Morgana was suddenly filled with rage “You know you’re the reason I am like this! His death is just as much your fault as mine! Emrys! I hate you I hate-”. “I doubt you could hate me as much as you hate yourself, Morgana.” He shocked himself as he didn’t mean to say anything at alI. The last thing he expected from himself was sympathy let alone empathy for this woman who he no longer recognised. “And stop this pitiful routine. This is what you wanted.” Is this what you wanted? Merlin wondered. That sweet girl I once knew. “You know you’re not perfect either. Have you never acted in a way you were ashamed of?” She spat out. “It was never supposed to be like this.” she stated grimly. Merlin was dumbfounded. What was she expressing? Remorse? “You can forget the act, Morgana. I know what is in your soul.” His wall went up again. Morgana was silent for a long time. She felt as though she were dying. Images flashing in her mind of all the moments she shared with Arthur over the years. Morgana stifled a sob and turned to walk away. “I am truly sorry, Merlin. I know how you felt about Arthur.” Morgana choked out as she turned to stare in shock at Arthur’s body and then summoned the strength to face Merlin. She cast a look over to Merlin, his face twinged with sorrow and disgust. He did not meet her eyes. The great sorcerer stared at the body of his king like she didn’t even exist.
After Morgana had finally left Arthur alone with his king his anger and sadness turned into numbness. He couldn’t tear his eyes away. He was stoic in the light from the fading sun. He sat there for what could have been hours or years. I will wait. He thought. I have been since I was a child for a just kingdom. What’s more time? I will wait but for now I have to return to Camelot, he resolved. The kingdom had to know what happened to their king and he couldn’t leave Gaius worrying. The trip back through the forest was arduous. It gave him space to think, which was the last thing he needed, Merlin realised. He was walking at a steady pace until he sensed a pain so visceral that it stopped him dead in his tracks. He immediately knew who it was and why. He practically started running back to Camelot, knowing exactly what he had to do.
She grabbed Merlin and pulled him inside, frantically checking the area, shocked at how he knew where she was. “You didn’t answer my question before. How did you know where I live?” Merlin simply stared at her. She noticed a vial in his hand. “You’re not poisoning me again are you?” Morgana said. She was confused as to why he hadn’t just killed her already and why he was openly showing her what he would use to do it. Merlin ignored this. “It’s for your grief." he said, "How do you know I grieve?” “I felt it the second I entered this area of the forest last night and I couldn’t bring myself to ignore it.” He let the words hang in the air. When he met Morgana’s gaze she was stunned. He had seen that look before he thought. “I followed my senses and I knew where you were.” It still didn’t make sense, Morgana thought. “Why are you here? why lower yourself to my shameful hovel?” “You forget I was from Ealdor. Hardly a noble beginning my lady.” Morgana was surprised at him addressing her this way after everything. “Emrys of Ealdor. Strange.” She joked. Merlin let out a chuckle, it was absurd in a way. Perhaps not as absurd though as the late kings ward having magic. He kept this thought to himself. “Does Gaius know you are here?” “No.” “Then who made this?” “I did.” “Why? I don’t deserve it. Or anything. Why would you do this after everything I have done?” “It’s not about what you deserve. It’s about what you need.” He must be toying with me, Morgana thought.
“Why didn’t you kill me? By the lake?” Merlin gave no response. “I am wicked. Am I not?” Merlin chose his words carefully. “Maybe the prophecy was wrong. Maybe it was right once. I don’t know. But I do know that that was before all of this. I just- I wouldn’t feel complete without knowing you are okay. Look. Things are better if we look out for each other. Everyone is gone Morgana. I’m scared too.” Morgana stood there in stunned silence experiencing whiplash between the rage Merlin had directed at her before and this new expression of… affection? “I told you about wielding magic for good once I know. But it’s not too late Morgana. Morgause was wrong about the old religion. I am a creature of the old religion. Just as powerful as you. There is a way. You can use your position as a high priestess for good. You were right. It was never supposed to be like this. It doesn’t have to be like this.” Merlin stated with hope. “You know magic isn’t a curse. I feel under Guinevere’s rule things will truly change.” Morgana tensed at the mention of Gwen. “I felt a shift at Camlann. Something I’ve never felt before.” “You can’t know that.” Morgana snapped. “There will never be a place for people like you and I in Camelot. Or Albion for that matter.” “You’re wrong," he asserted. “You don’t really believe that.” Morgana stated as though it was gospel. How can you believe that? She thought to herself. She didn’t just mean magic. Camelot struggled greatly to accept her as a child with her accent. And here is Merlin, hailing from Ealdor with a slightly stronger accent than she had back then. Merlin, who is only accepted as foreign because he is a servant. She always thought that would connect them. And that maybe he would return her feelings. The betrayal at finding out he was Emrys stung not because he was her doom she realised but because she thought he was her lifeline. He was the only one like her. She had always seen herself in him.
“How could you not tell me?” Morgana grimaced “That I was the same as you? Why? Did you enjoy watching me suffer?” Merlin was silent for a moment. What answer could he possibly give her? “What? Cat got your tongue?” “No. You’re right. If I had told you I had magic none of this would have happened. You wouldn’t have been so alone.” Morgana’s wall came down and she suddenly thought of every little moment she shared in Merlin’s presence. Of Arthur being saved miraculously with no explanation when they first met. Of Uther denouncing magic in his presence. ‘Is that how you felt for all those years?” Merlin did not answer, looking to the floor. “Alone. Did you feel alone?” Merlin thought about Ealdor. Being marked as different. And then moving to Camelot where he was safe, but only on the condition that he never show his true self. Freya, Balinor, Arthur. His secret always died with the ones he loved. “I did. Incredibly alone. I felt it less when I was with you. I loved you Morgana. I desperately wanted to tell you. It was agonising seeing the pain you went through. I felt it was my duty to protect Arthur and my destiny.” Merlin cringed at the statement. How selfish it sounded and how painful it was that he had sacrificed so much for nothing.
“You were right.” she sighed, Merlin's eyes met her own with curiosity. “I’m so full of hatred. And now everything is gone. everything I touch dies and I don’t know what to do. Just tell me what to do.” Merlin shot her a look of sympathy. “Please.” Merlin paused for a moment, in shock. “Merlin! Please! Please. You’re all that’s left. You were the only one I was ever able to trust. I was blind to that once but I see that now. It is shameful how I treated you after the grace you gave me. Please. I cannot lose another. Morgause only saw me as a means to an end. You were the only one who truly cared for me. I understand now.’ Morgana’s legs buckled and she fell into Merlin's arms. “I regret everything so strongly. It’s all coming back to me now. I so fiercely regret the way I treated him. Even after everything I had done he told me how he was sorry for how Uther treated me. He accepted me as his sister. That was more than Uther ever did for me. He was always a better man than his father. Our father.” Merlin stroked her hair and held her in his arms, overwhelmed with the realisation that Morgana returns his affections still by her words and the look in her eyes. “He was always a better man. Better than all the men of Camelot together a hundred times over.” Merlin agreed. “I’m envious of Arthur. He left with everything I am.” Morgana said. “I feel the same,” Merlin admitted. “I just can’t do this anymore. Losing another after another. I could feel Mordred’s soul leave this earth. I’m so sorry Merlin. I don’t know why I do what I do. You feel the same loneliness I feel don’t you?” Merlin nodded his head. “It has been lonely. I feel it less when I’m with you. I love you Morgana.”
‘What would you have done with yourself if you weren’t from Camelot?’ Merlin wondered out loud. “What?” Morgana responded with surprise in her voice. “If you were never Uther’s ward. If you could have been whoever you wanted. What would you have been?” Morgana pondered for a moment “I think I would have quite liked to be a healer.” Merlin’s eyes lit up for the first time in months. “Really? Would you like to know how to make the remedy I gave you?” “Sure, Merlin.” Morgana smiled. As Merlin described the makings of the remedy he gave her she felt content. She was cared for and she was filled with trust for another person in a way she hadn’t for what felt like an age. She felt that maybe, just maybe things would be okay.
