how it feels liking and reblogging posts

*showing visible symptoms* oh my god i need help desperately

*symptoms go away for one day* what if im just faking it

repeating this to myself forever and ever

the worst extremely low-stakes consequence of societal fatphobia is when a low-calorie/""""healthy"""" recipe is actually good and suddenly everyone thinks you're sharing it as a diet aid and not because it fucks hard

anyway put some frozen raspberries in a bowl and pour just a leetle bit of cold oat milk over it and the oat milk will semi-freeze into a kind of ice cream texture. and now you have fake raspberry ripple ice cream that's 90% raspberries by volume

the guy who designed scythes definitely knew that shit was badass. he didnt care about wheat

what people dont get about divorces is the Whole Thing About Dogs

i have written custody plans for labrador retrievers more complex than i have for children. i went to four years of undergrad, three years of law school, and sat for the bar exam to write up custody exchange provisions for dogs with hyphonated last names

my clients are paying $295 an hour for me to go to court and litigate who makes veterinary decisions for Chuckles the Goldfish and theres literally nothing i can do to stop them

framing these tags and hanging them up in my office to remind me that it can always be worse

for make a terrible comic day

i love when characters lie to themselves in the complete privacy of their own minds

i’m not into star wars but the person that plays rey has the same name as two characters that will never be in smash bros

i’m gonna go back in time and kick my own ass

women and gender get the lifeboats first

the main dev of ULTRAKILL is livetweeting their reactions to jerma failing at their game fantastically and it's really, really fucking funny.

I feel like it's important to note that they call him Amish here because earlier he got so mad during a hard boss fight that he went on a rant that "humans aren't meant to do this, they're meant to push logs in wheelbarrows"

found this three year old draft buried in my files. is it funny? I don't remember

no no you’re on to something don’t leave this in the notes!

you can tell things are bad when this type of article is coming back...

i'm sorry mr beast and his what now

When youre a kid youre like wtf adults are making themselves sick with poisons and when youre an adult youre like i need more poisons ASAP

1. no way... gummy shark real????

2. sweet william

I can clearly remember the moment I first realised my mother and I were living on completely different planes of existence. I was 7 years old and I came home from my school's first track and field day having placed second or third in every event. the teachers had been making jokes all afternoon about how many times they had to call my name. my friends thought I was cool as shit. my enemies thought I was cool as shit too, come to think of it. I was proud as hell. so I get home with the entire front of my shirt covered in ribbons like I was a military dictator who'd awarded himself every medal, I walk into the kitchen and tell my mum all about my day, and she goes "oh, that must be disappointing not getting any firsts." and I'm like no?? first of all the first place ribbons are red and I don't like red. second of all look at me. there's literally nowhere left on my body for accolades. I am fucking Jacked of All Trades. how could this possibly be a disappointment.