Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them breaks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.” I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[10:24:37 PM] Rebel: I still hear your voice when I put my headset down
I still feel your anger when I sleep
Forgive me for my tiredness, but I don't know why
Without you it's hard to survive
~~~~~~~~~
'Cuz everytime we play, I get this feeling
And everytime we raid, I swear I can win
Can't you feel my keys type fast
I want this to last
I need you in my party.
'Cuz everytime we farm, I feel the Experience
And everytime we roll, I reach for the pass
Can't you hear my keys type fast
I can't let you go
Want you in my party
~~~~~~~~~~
Your armors my castle
Your health is my sky
We wipe away mobs when I try
The good and the bad times
we've been through worse
You make me level up when I play
~~~~~~~~~
'Cuz everytime we play, I get this feeling
And everytime we raid, I swear I can win
Can't you feel my keys type fast
I want this to last
I need you in my party.
'Cuz everytime we play, I feel the experience
And everytime we roll, I reach for the pass
Can't you hear my keys type fast
I can't let you go
Want you in my party
~~~~~~~~~~

Oh don't you dare go sleep
just keep your eyes open
I said You're killing me
she said 'Shut up and play with me'
This girl is gonna be the death of me
She said, ooh, 'Shut up and play with me!'

We were players of the night:
The Cocaine, Caffine, stimulant
Helped us through the game
and the fading night
Oh we were born to game together
born to game together

She called my skype
I don't know why I answered
We took the quest
and she said

Oh don't you dare go sleep
just keep your eyes open
I said You're killing me
she said 'Shut up and play with me'
This girl is gonna be the death of me
She said, ooh, 'Shut up and play with me!'

A backless chair and some beat up mics
My Savy-Tech, Emma, gamers dream
I felt it in my hands as she called on me
I knew were born to game together
born to game together

She called my skype
I don't know why I answered
We took the quest
and he said

Oh don't you dare go sleep
just keep your eyes open
I said You're killing me
she said 'Shut up and play with me'
This girl is gonna be the death of me
She said, ooh, 'Shut up and play with me!' - Rebel