🌟 10/10 Would Get Kicked in the Face by Eve Again 🌟

I booted this game expecting a sci-fi hack and slash and left it questioning my moral compass, gender, and the structural integrity of my jaw after Eve roundhouse-kicked a 12-story biomechanical war demon into the stratosphere wearing 3 inches of tactical latex.

The combat? Chef’s kiss. Fast, fluid, and filled with so many perfect parries I’m now physically incapable of saying “no” to anything. I parried my landlord. I parried my own intrusive thoughts. I parried a debt collector and now he pays me.

The story? Something something apocalypse, aliens, and shameful anime camera angles. I wasn’t following. I was too busy upgrading my sword and side-eyeing the physics engine like it owed me money.

The customization? I spent 43 minutes trying on outfits like I was in a post-apocalyptic America's Next Top Model, and yes, I did die because I was too busy rotating the camera.

The soundtrack goes so hard I had to lie down in the shower fully clothed and whisper “bro…” every time a boss theme kicked in. One of the bosses made me feel things. Unholy things. I think I imprinted on her like a duckling.

In conclusion, Stellar Blade isn’t just a game. It’s a lifestyle. It’s a religious experience. It’s a medically concerning obsession.
Buy it. Praise Eve. Hydrate. And never trust a glowing red weak spot.