My Sleeping Beauty

Good morning, Gnomegoers! I have fantastic news, but I will try to hold back before you've heard how we got here!


Last we talked, Kilgore, Dr. Freeman, and myself were ascending a large cavern deep within the mines in search of the extract. While Kilgore is short on words, he's quite a formidable fighter. We witnessed the alien creature take on four or five antlions all on his own! I don't think I could do that if I only had one eye.

After discovering a faulty elevator, Gordon and I made our way into the den of the mother Antlion. I apologize, but Gordon and I found ourselves running for our lives, and forgot to snap any pictures! Well, there is one. Gordon's over my shoulder, demanding I post it. I didn't think it was very funny at all, considering our circumstances. There were bloody pools full of dead bodies in holes very similar to this one. Gordon is laughing harder as I type. Sometimes I don't like that man at all.

Being an experienced adventurer like myself, you grow accustom to seeing gruesome things like that. I believe we've seen over twenty skinless corpses, and countless other dead bodies, including people we know. The last stretch of the mine was no break from those images, either.


A shame that this poor fellow died so close to a medical pack. Oh goodness, Freeman is still laughing!


This guy must've lost his head. Oh, it seems the Doctor stopped laughing suddenly. Why doesn't he see my humor?

After some investigation, we discovered this engine below where Kilgore was waiting. Through my extremely well developed logic, (and of course, we gnomes are the tinkering race!) I was able to solve this mind boggling puzzle. A gear was missing! How convenient that I should find a gear just feet from the broken motor? It's almost like this little brain teaser was intentionally placed in order to break up the monotony of bug smashing and caves! Don't you love the way life works?


The gear fit perfectly, as if it were a spare gear intended for this motor specifically. Strangely, there were two other gears laying about that were of the exact same size. If I recall my mechanics class, gears have to be accurate within a quarter of an inch in order to function properly. So lucky that we would find three gears all within the vicinity that were so well calibrated?

After getting Kilgore down to our level, he lead us deep into the Antlion hive. He explained that the extract from these combs could help his species do anything. Becoming 'unstuck in time' (as he put it), knowing every wheel of fortune puzzle with only 3 letters, and bringing people back from the brink of death were all easy with the extract. Kilgore sounded like a junkie, to me.

With the extract in hand, we raced up the mine shaft on our repaired lift. It was so convenient that the same elevator leading to the extract was also the elevator leading to the outpost where Alyx was.


When we arrived, the Vorts were all crowded around my beautiful, ready to bring her back to life. Then there was a long and drawn out process where all of the Vortugaunts passed around the extract and described their trips. They offered me some, but I was hesitant, considering they were all turning purple and moaning. Gordan had four hits to their one! No wonder he saw this crazy looking fellow sitting over the future Mrs. Gnome!?

Whatever that trip was, it was worth it. After only an hour of psychedelics, the four brought my beautiful back to life!


I have longed for this moment. Sure, she'd only known me for the last 10 minutes before she was attacked, but the things I whispered into her ear while she was unconscious... The way I caressed her skin while she lay motionless... how I kissed her gently when no one was looking... she must've known all of that for the way she looked at me. She must know how I loved her!

We stayed the night at the outpost, allowing the lady to rest from her wounds. As I lay next to her where she sleep, (Sneaking over from our sleeping arrangements as not to wake her) I dreamed of the life we'd have, and the beautiful kids we'd make.

In the morning, Alyx was still exhausted and weak. We helped her onto the lift, but she was in quite a bit of pain. I'm embarrassed to show these images, as I was blushing from her somewhat attractive stretching. Gordon is quite the trickster with his camera!


We're on our way up the mineshaft and into the day again. I'll post again as soon as possible!

The Antlions Go Marching One By One, Hurrah! Hurrah!

With Alyx dying somewhere behind us in the caves, we tried to lighten our spirits during our adventure for the life-giving extract that the Vorts were so excited about. Speaking of Vorts, I wanted to introduce you to our personal guide into the depths of the mine: Kilgore. Kilgore is awfully quiet, and seems to think quite highly of the Doctor. He hasn't even spoke to me once since we've left!

Speaking of the doctor: He's up to his mischief, yet again. While traversing the Antlion infested mine, we discovered a large puddle of blood:


I couldn't quite figure it out until Dr. Gordon pointed out an interesting web above the puddle. It seemed to contain the same sort of skinless corpses we'd been finding so often lately.


Of course, the Doctor couldn't leave it at that. He made questionably ignorant comments about the tension of the web, and acted marveled by its elasticity, going to far as to pluck at it with his crowbar.


I was hardly amused.

Despite our good humor, I'm starting to worry about some of the dangers we've been facing. Everywhere we go, there's a foul stench of decaying flesh and dried blood. It seems that the infamous headcrabs that we've grown accustom to killing have a nasty affect on their hosts: Their skin rots off. While this is quite dreadful, it does happen to make for awfully humorous photographs!


I did end up burying the poor fellow out of respect. It felt nice to get down in the dirt with a tool in hand. I am a garden gnome, after all! We found the shovel in a locker nearby. Gordon couldn't resist the opportunity for unoriginal humor. Gordon called it "an inside joke."

I've decided to start sending these photographs to a roommate I had while living in France. Raphaël Poulain always wanted to travel, but never could convince himself to go. I thought that if they didn't disturb the old fellow, at least they might convince him to try getting out and seeing the world? I might refrain from sending him a few of the skinless corpse photos, though.

While the rest of our travel has been uneventful, we did find a bit of excitement. After pushing aside a large grain depositor, Gordon and I fell into an out of control grain car! We rushed down the shaft at blinding speeds. Ahead of us, I saw a vertical shaft leading to heavens knows where. Acting fast, I dived in front of the wheel, pushing with my sudden burst of strength. If I died here, who would retrieve the extract for my darling Alyx?

The car slowed and sparked as I heaved all of my massive weight at it. Gordon was able to leap from the car at the slower speed, leaving me just enough time to dive out of the way as the car ascended deep into the chasm. Gordon claims he heard a water splash, but I'm certain it was a never ending pit to the depths of the earth, and that my heroism would be remembered in the history books. Sadly, there were no action photos, as Gordon was too busy drying hims- I mean, too busy crying in the fetal position at the bottom of the cart.


After my heroic accomplishment, we discovered an outpost deep in the cave. It seemed to be owned by the mail carriers that brought me my booze every week. Finding their outpost ravaged and invested with zombies brought tears to my eyes. At least they still had their skin?

I tried to employ the Doctor's method of humor in the face of my sadness. Indeed, I discovered a mine! "Hey look! A mine in a mine!" Oh, I had quite a laugh. Kilgore and Gordon didn't seem to find it so humorous. As if the lockergnome bit were any better?


This outpost has wifi, so I decided I'd post this before we head up the elevator nearby. The zombies are closing in, and I really would like to see my lovely Alyx. Oh how I miss her. Kilgore says that the extract is very close by. Hopefully I'll have good news in a few hours!

I For One Welcome Our New Insect Overlords!

Hello Gnomegoers! I am posting the first part of a 2 part blog, as a large swarm of enemies is headed for my location, and I should only have time to post the first batch of pictures!

We made our way into the mine, and were a bit worried about the antlions that had made it their home. That is, until we found ourselves some heat.

Freeman still has a wry humor, and thought he'd celebrate our discovery of firearms by shoving me into a locker. I suddenly feel very bad for the boy we'd picked on in grammar school, who found himself in the locker so often that we began calling him lockergnome. He went on to have a failed career in television. So tragic.

As we descended, we discovered a very queer creature. It frightens me, and looks with eyes of hunger. I'm nearly certain that their stench will haunt me well into old age. The doctor believes that they're the larvae of the antlions, and suggested we destroy them. I immediately took charge and slayed the demon babies! While the fight was full of danger, I made swift work of the beast while Freeman cowered in the corner. It was then decided that I would be the official slayer of evil's spawn!


In fact, I've become very capable at slaying the beasts. Freeman may know how to dismantle their larger counterparts with his toys, but this gnome uses pure brute force to overpower the devilish beasts that the Doctor refuses to even touch the corpses out of frozen fear. Even taking this photographs, he was weeping in terror. I pity the good man, even if he is a sadistic humorist.

Speaking of his wry humor, Freeman seems to think that there's some kind of humor in teasing the hanging beasts using none other than myself! Oh it was horrible. I battled endlessly with the creature until Freeman fired a few bullets into it. Although, looking at the pictures now, it does seem quite humorous:

After making it out alive, I decided to go for a boat ride and dream of my beloved Alyx, and how she was doing in the care of our alien friend. Oh, how I missed her sweet blood-and-sweat aroma. The way she climbed into the loft at my home and fixed my power. The way she gagged at my gin breath as I leaned in to show her my art. Gordan quickly reminded me that we were on a mission to save her, so I quickly sprung back into action, gearing up for the poisonous demon swarms we'd soon face.


Dr. Freeman is beginning to show his heroism, though. I believe that the many corpses we've discovered along our way are a testament to our survival skills. Dare I say, we are more than surviving, but in fact waging war on the demons by ourselves? I am far too humble!

We did find a couple of the beasts I liked. Good fellows, they were. They told a few good jokes about a Xen couple exchanging partners with a human couple. It was quite graphic, and I must say I blushed. Funny folk, though. Sadly, I crushed them out of good measure.

More about our situation after the battle!