Everything changes over time. you may not want it to, but it does. We all change. Sometimes its good, other times it isn't so good. But we deal. We keep on going forward because that's all we can do. Some cannot handle changes and often times they give up. I'm not that kind of person anymore. I have been trying so hard to keep going. I often times have been held back.
I have been through hell and back this past year. This time last year I found out i was pregnant. A happy surprise that turned into a nightmare. My body turned on me. I was in agonizing pain. Then, on April 2nd, the doctors took the pain away. During my surgery, my doctor also took part of my body away. Not only did I have a miscarriage, but we then found out I had a tumor.

It all happened so fast I was scared. I tried to distract myself. I put up a front like I usually do. It's how I cope sometimes. Eventually my fears went away. Things moved on. Time kept going forward. We moved, I went back to work.

I still had faint paints that still reminded me of what was lost...but at least it didn't turn out bad. The tumor was benign, but it could happen again. I may never be able to have children. That's the fear that stayed and still hangs over my head. I'm aware I can always adopt..that's fine. I can always rely on that. But my fears are still there...and not just because of the tumor. All the females in my family have had serious health issues with their reproductive organs and abdomen. My older sisters have both had complete histerectomies before the age of 40. One is permanently disabled at the age of 35 because of various tumors and having so many surgeries.

I am scared. I am 25 and have already had one tumor and an ovary removed. Yet, I still keep going. It's a burden I am forced to hold alone. Yeah, I had some comfort in my fiance - but in the end it was my body. However..things haven't been the same since the surgery. Or even the pregnancy. I know he was scared. He admitted that. I was pushed away. I tried my hardest to keep things going but it continued to get worse. It never got better. I grew distant with myself in an attempt to focus on trying to just..get our relationship back. I tried to get into art - which is where some of those projects came in - only to lose hope and almost giv eup when my tablet eventually started to die. Nothing was going right.

So i tried to better myself. I started eating better, exercising..Hell, I lost 9 inches and started to feel and look better.I tried to destress and move on. I tried to fix things. But..in the end, it was really only one-sided. I was doing all the changing. I was changing for him, not for myself. And I was still being pushed away. I felt like I was the only one who really cared - even though he begged me not to give up. I never did. In the end, he gave up. I was asked, and wondered, if maybe there was someone else. I want to believe there wasn't.

I talked to many people after the break up. Everything I heard...it made me realize - it really was only one-sided. At least to me nayway. It felt like I was the only one making an effort. I should have seen it coming early on. The day of my surgery was scarey and stressful. It went fine and they let me go home..but I was still stressed and upset. I was staying with my mom. I expected that he would want to come see me as soon as he got out of work. I was wrong. He was out with friends. The excuse was he had to 'destress' or whatever it was...yet he didn't even bother to call or text me to see how I was doing. I had to make that call. I find out after the break up...well, there were other instances when i was in the ER and trying to get him to come with me because I was having complications (this was prior to finding out it was a miscarriage)..and he didn't care because he was with friends. That when he was with friends he has purposely ignored my calls and texts.This is only heresay but the fact it doesn't surprise me and sounds like him..yeah. Maybe I'm just being selfish in this regards but..that whole ordeal hurt me. And now its hurting me again a year later. Then i find out that long before this break up he had planned on breaking up with me yet he never said why..or even brought up any issues with me. Yet, whenever I brought up issues with him- somehow it would get thrown in my face and it would become my fault. I had to be the one to change. so I did. I tried. Yet it wasn't enough. I was still always doing something wrong. It was never enough.

This is how I have felt. It never mattered. because now matter how much I opened up - it turned into a "Well, what about -me?- what about how -i- feel?" ..Which resulted in me keeping things in despite the always "Don't keep it in." ....It was always back and forth. There's so much more too..but..I gotta stop going into it. I don't want to make him the bad guy. I'm ranting. I'm getting it off my chest. This is all how I've personally felt after hearing what I've heard and everything over the past year.

And this is why I've been so dead here. I feel horrible. I've been stressed out all the time. I'm stronger now, but I still have a ways to go. I'm not going to be held back anymore. I'm not going to change who I am for someone. I'm tired of that. I'm not going to put myself into a position like I did with him. If I'm going to change, it's going to be for myself.

And this is where I'm at now. It IS time for a change. A better change. I'm doing it for myself and not anyone else. I have to prepare for a future that could be good or could be bad.

And for the bad news...In order to change, in order to better myself...I have to let go of some of my past. That means, Rami has to go. I have to rediscover myself and holding onto that side of me..holding onto the past..it's going to keep me stuck. There's a history with her both good and bad...and I'll take the good with me but I still have to leave the bad behind. I have to start fresh. I will miss her. I gotta do this though. With that being said, I'm still deciding on a replacement. I've had a few ideas...but so far nothing has stuck. Until I make a decision, I'll stick around on this account. I'll upload here until I decide. Then, when a decision is made - I will be leaving this account behind.

In regards to overdue commissions and anything I owe people. I am so so so sorry. You have no diea how much it has killed me not being able to finish the commissions. I've been afraid and stressed about trying to contact you guys. It has killed me. I will make it up to you. I udnerstand if you hate me and never trust me again. I will still try to make it right. I'll refund what I owe..(it will be in increments though while I get caught up on numerous other things)..and what I do have completed (and will probably continue to complete) I'll give to you. I've only been able to work so much on it with my tablet the way it is. I'm surprised I've gotten it to hold on this long. (Just last week the pen literally fell apart and I had to put it together. The fact it is still working..barely..is a miracle.) Again, i'm sorry. I will refund you and send at least the partially completed piece.

With that being said..I'm not putting myself in a 'big project' type thing again. Even when I get a working tablet and I am well on my way to becoming a better me. It'll be a very long time. Especially not when my tablet is as funky as it is now. Maybe when I replace it I'll attempt to do my livestream commissions again...And stick to that. For now..there's only so much i can do.
On brighter notes..I have decided to go back to school. I'm going to apply in the next week to the local University for a BA in art. What particular field of art I'm not sure but I'll figure it out. I've also decided about maybe minoring in art education and becoming an art teacher. It's an idea. Baby-steps..but steps nonetheless.

I know my stresses/life problems probably aren't as severe as some but we all deal with stress and problems differently. I've been told by a few friends they are surprised at just how strong I'vve become in the past year. I'm trying. Holy hell I am trying.

I'd like to thank everyone who has helped me over the past couple of weeks. Not everyone is on here but there are a few. Without you guys I would be in a much worse place. I wouldn't be as strong as I am now. Direct shout outs go to

 mattakushinzu Thank you for being there for me and letting me cry and talk to you for those few hours on the phone that particular night. You didn't have to do that and you made me feel so much better.

 whitewolfessaya For being my best and most loyal and trusted friend for over 12 years. You are my sister and always will be. Without you by my side I'd be nowhere. Seriously. I'd be nothing. I can always count on you. I love you. Thank you for everything.

 tsuki579 Even though I didn't talk to you directly, Mattaku did tell me what you said and it made me feel better. Thank you for that. :)

 usaden For letting me talk and rant and let it all out in the PM's. For talking sense into me when I wasn't thinking straight.

My IRL family: They aren't on here, but this is still to them. I have had my differences and issues with them but when push comes to shove - I know I can rely on them. They came to my rescue the moment there was a threat to my saftey. They got me out of there even though I didn't want to leave. They helped me move and get out and get safe. I love them dearly and wouldn't change anything for the world...even if they sometimes annoy the crap out of me.

To everyone else who has shown support and helped me through all of the bad times. Recently and in the past. You guys have been awesome. Thank you all so much.

Also, please, guys, do not go and harass my ex. We are on...speakable terms. Not necessarily good but its civil. I'm not bashing him. At least, i'm trying not to. I just voiced how I felt. I'm sure he has his own side of the styory too.

And, in regards to me being single again - yeah. I'm staying single for quite some time. It's going to be very hard for me to trust my heart in someone else's hands. Especially guys right now. Which means...whenever I do feel I'm ready, I may explore my bisexuality a bit and maybe try dating women. I think at this point most guys just can't handle the kinda person I am. I think maybe a girl could.
Anyways, I'm not dead. I'm doing okay. I'm better than I was two weeks ago. I'm moving on. It's gonna be hard..but, time keeps moving. Things will change. They always do.

And a reminder - when I decide on my replacement fursona, I will let you all know. I'll stick around here on this account for now.

And to those I owe - please send me a note if I don't note you back. That way we can discuss things.

And, to end on a lighter note...I'm taking a vacation with my mom up to Chesapeake, VA and then to Massachussetts and Rhode Island. I think we're oging through either NC or SC as well and stopping somewhere. This'll be towards the end of April/beginning of May and we'll be gone anywhere from 2-4 weeks. If anyone wants to meet up for lunch one day, give me a holler.

For now, <3 Always :
The Girl Who is Rediscovering herself. (Lol. Felt like doing that.)