My chronic fatigue has been slowly getting worse despite improvements to my life such as increased exercise and improved sleep schedule consistency, and I already eat reasonably healthy. I finally went to my doctor about it, there's nothing obvious so they are going to have me try a couple meds after they finish checking my bloodwork. They also told me to avoid screen time after 8pm, which I have tried in the past to little effect, but I'll try it again since this time a doctor told me.

I don't have much energy for socializing or hobbies these days, I pretty much just talk to one or two people a little bit each day and otherwise I am just too tired for anything. Even work is starting to become a struggle for me. I am miserable like this. If anyone wants to help, the best thing is to just give me time to get this sorted out.

A long while ago, shortly after my fursona name change, I started an experiment. I wanted to try out different pronouns for my fursona with different artists and see how they felt. The original idea was to try a mix of he/him, they/them, and she/her. Artists were the ideal target since they didn’t know me or my relationship to my fursona at all, and I typically refer to my fursona in third person with artists to resolve ambiguity (compared to first person for normal conversation).

So, with the plan in place, I started trying out different pronouns. What ended up happening was that only she/her felt right and the others felt less and less correct as time went on. Even better, when I used she/her, artists just automatically drew my fursona more feminine without much prompting from me. The simple act of dropping a “she” or a “her” in communication was enough. And… I love it. I love the resulting art. I love how it feels to think of myself as she/her. It feels a lot better.

I know my previous journal said to use they/them, but it’s a classic case of “spoke too soon”. I think my old fursona name sort of covered this up from me. I used to tell people to just use any pronouns for me, and that I liked the variety. But now I realize, I secretly wanted people to pick she/her, and I enjoyed it more when they did. (I tend to do that a lot in general, by not explicitly telling people what I want and just leaving the door open so they have the opportunity to do what I want. It's something I'm still working on.) My new fursona name just made it a lot easier and more obvious for me to realize this. What started as a trial of she/her has now turned into a full thing. This is a trial I don’t think I’ll be cancelling. I’ve already been enjoying it among my friends for a few months now.

I have also actually had genital dysphoria for a very long time now, I just only realized that that’s what it was over the past several months. My dysphoria is much weaker than I expected (compared to other people’s descriptions of it), and my sense of gender is even weaker still, but they are definitely there. It doesn’t cause me much discomfort due to how weak they are, so I am pretty relaxed about the whole situation, but it is something I am very interested in exploring more. I am incredibly open about these topics and feel perfectly comfortable discussing these things with anyone who is curious, so feel free to ask if you have any questions.

A lot of other evidence is piling up too - primarily small things that can easily be discounted on their own, but together they form a bigger picture, if a blurry one. I’m definitely more on the female end of the confusing mess that is the gender spectrum. It took me a long time to realize it, but it feels good to think of myself in this new way, and I don’t like thinking of myself the old way anymore. Of course, my personality is no different, I am just more aware of what and who I am. I can thank this fandom for that.

I think it would be nice for me to get some sort of surgery someday to get rid of the genital dysphoria, but so far from what I can tell there is no standard procedure and it’s a big dice roll. Luckily it’s not something that bothers me too much, so I’ll just continue to pretend to be a man IRL for now. Though, if I can start doing some voice training, it might be fun to see what passing is like. For the most part though I’m not too concerned with stereotypical gender roles or appearances, I just like experimenting and seeing what does and doesn’t feel good. I’m more interested in being “myself” than being “female”, there just happens to be a noticeable overlap.

So, yeah. My pronouns are she/her now. You can use other pronouns if you want but they’re no longer correct. Thankfully I’m indifferent to misgendering, I just point out the mistake and move on. If you want labels, right now “agenderflux demigirl” feels about right - agenderflux meaning fluctuating between genderless and gendered, and demigirl meaning part girl or something - but really labels are just shorthand for “it’s complicated and I’m still figuring it out but here’s what I’m estimating so far” rather than fully accurate or definitive. Either way, expect to see more feminine art of me from now on.

To be honest I still have no clue how gender works at all, I’m just experimenting and following what feels best. I’m grateful to my friends for making it such a painless experience, and to the artists I’ve commissioned for not even questioning a thing. (Questions are fine of course, but it’s nice when they aren’t necessary.) Oh also, the realization that I am trans comes alongside the realization that I am not asexual like I previously thought I was. I’m demisexual IRL and pansxual in furryverses. So yeah, lots of new stuff to explore.

Also, an update on the chronic fatigue journal: I have shifted my sleep schedule a bit and it does seem to be helping, and I have actually been able to catch up with friends on Discord from time to time. It’s still a work in progress though, so bear with me!

I can't catch a break lately. Every day I just feel tired all day. I have so much trouble sleeping. There's always some noise keeping me awake that I can't easily drown out. Someone snoring, animals outside my window, annoying dripping water sounds from my AC unit that would normally cover those noises up with white noise, annoying vibrating sounds from fans and air purifiers that could also produce white noise to mask bad sounds, etc. I have trouble falling asleep unless it's cold too so I need my AC unit, but when it makes annoying sounds it can even wake me up from already being asleep. I haven't tried ear plugs yet but I don't expect them to help much. I will be trying to play white noise on a loud speaker soon, but I don't think it can drown out the water dripping sounds from my AC unit.

I haven't been able to get a good night's rest for a week in a row for several months now. Every week I look forward to spending the weekend catching up with friends and every weekend I am disappointed to find that I am tired and unable to socialize much. I can do my job without issue, I can do my hobby projects even when I am this tired, but socializing is just too difficult. I have like 30+ different people who are waiting for me to reply to them on Discord. I don't know the actual number since Discord only shows the last 20. I haven't participated in most servers since early last year. It is getting out of hand. I feel so bad for leaving everyone without replies for so many months but it's just too much for me right now.

I only have the energy to talk to a few very close friends every day, and sometimes on a good day I can talk to a couple other people too. But most of the time I just feel terrible from my lack of sleep. Sometimes I can't even talk to anyone at all. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I get exercise, I eat healthy, I drink water, but I just can't get good sleep. Even when I do sleep continuously for 7-10 hours I never wake up feeling like I rested enough. I've tried sleeping in later, I've tried going to bed earlier and waking up earlier, I've tried melatonin, nothing is helping.

I will be going to see my doctor about it eventually, but with the covid19 stuff now isn't a good time. I just want to say sorry to everyone who is waiting on me to reply. I do genuinely want to talk to you, I'm just so tired. It's not fun to talk when I am this tired.

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachme.....00/unknown.png - there are 60 other unreads from DMs in addition to the 400 in that server folder. Most DMs only have 1 or 2 unread messages.

I’ve been uncharacteristically busy the past few months. Between work and family, my free time has been very limited. As a result, I’ve fallen behind on everything from friendships to art notifications. I hope to get back in the swing of things soon, but for now, here’s something brought to you by the version of me that lays awake in bed at night, trying to fall asleep but failing to do so due to an overactive mind.

The name “Lewis Milton” wasn’t picked arbitrarily, but it was definitely picked way before I knew enough about myself to properly name my fursona. It’s based on the name of two different characters from the game “What Remains of Edith Finch” - specifically, Lewis Finch and Milton Finch. If you don’t want spoilers for the (excellent) game, skip to the next paragraph. Both characters, in one way or another, create a fantasy world that they like better than the real world, and attempt to escape into it. The game is set in reality though, so they meet grim fates. My fursona lore is coincidentally similar, with my fursona having escaped into the virtual world from the real world thanks to technological innovations. The exact method is controversial at best though, so I’ll leave it just to be discussed in the story I’ve been writing.

My point, though, is that I picked the name just for the coincidental lore connection, and not because of any personal connection I felt to the name. I also picked it back when I used to think I was male. I’m… not male. Nor am I female. As I came to learn more about myself over the past year and then some, I started feeling more and more that my fursona name was not right. I consider my fursona to be the purest form of self expression I have, and I want it to match my internal feelings as much as possible. I’m agender/nonbinary, and I’ve come to learn that both male and female names and pronouns don’t really feel right to me. Gender-neutral pronouns like they/them also don’t quite feel right, but I prefer them simply because they seem the least wrong compared to the alternatives. I don’t really think there are pronouns that are appropriate for me anyway. A year ago I would have wanted to just fit into a box and label myself with something people could easily understand so as to not draw too much attention to myself, but now I don’t really care and I’d rather just feel comfortable.

I tried an experiment for a while, of offering Lois as an alternative first name for my fursona, and letting people pick whatever they felt was more appropriate. I chose it because it had a similar pronunciation to Lewis but the opposite perceived gender. A few people did stick to calling me Lois, and one person even called me Lxis where x was to make a sort of name-neutral variant of both of the names. None of it really felt right though. I did start seeing an odd uptick in female characters named Lewis in 2019, especially in games, but I don’t think it’s enough to make the name gender neutral yet. In any case, it still wouldn’t feel right to me.

So, I’m ditching the name Lewis Milton. I noticed that other nonbinary folks have opted for names that are just nouns for things we don’t typically associate gender with. An old nickname I used to offer, Candy, now seems a rather appealing candidate for my fursona’s first name. Like the flavors, it was originally a joke, but it now feels quite appropriate. It also fits well with my theming and personality. Y’know, ‘cause I like being a treat for others to enjoy (in a number of ways), and I pride myself on being sweet and kind hearted. Not all candy is sweet though, and I’ll continue to experience and express a wide range of emotions. Still, I hope to at least be enjoyable to a majority of my friends. That’s the point of candy, right?

Problem is, Candy seems a tad too generic for my tastes. Not that there’s anything wrong with that - I’m not too bothered by not being unique name-wise. It’s also somewhat feminine, but after spending most of my life thinking I was male, some femininity can be a nice change of pace. Either way though, I want to at least try and put a bit more effort into a name I can be happy with. So, with the help of a friend, I set about translating the word “candy” to other languages and seeing what came up.

A lot of languages just have a variant of the word “caramel” for their translation of candy (which will be hilarious to some of my friends), as well as variants of “bonbon” or “confection”. Norwegian’s translation was particularly hilarious, but a definite no. The Latin word for it, dulcis (pronounced dull chiss), was rather appealing to my friend. I think it’s too close-sounding to duchess, though. Latvian has a word “saldumi” that roughly equates to sweets/-stuff, candy/ies, and confection. The ending sounds appealing, but the start is… rough. Lithuanian has similar words like “saldainis” and “saldumynai”, both of which are mouthfuls (pun intended). People tend to shorten names to the first syllable or two as nicknames, and I need to account for that; Dul and Sal just don’t sound very appetizing.

I was planning to change up the letters of whatever word I picked anyway, so I don’t care too much if it results in a nonsense word in the language of origin, as long as it isn’t an actual real word that means something totally unrelated to candy. The Hungarian translations looked interesting in that regard. (Yes yes, I know about the jokes and puns involving the word hungry, which is all the more amusing given the subject matter.) One of the Hungarian words, “édesség”, relates to sweets/-ness, candy, confection, and sweetie, much like saldumi. If you take off the g, it apparently still retains most of its meaning. But, accented letters are not so easy for everyone to type, and without the accents it loses its meaning. Thankfully, since people tend to shorten names anyway, we can just strip off the accents and be left with Dess - a suitable nickname for the full name of Édessé. Dess is an existing name, though uncommon, and apparently with no real defined gender since it’s more often a last name than a first name. Édessé sounds rather feminine, especially since the last syllable rhymes with “she” (at least based on how Google Translate pronounces it), but I figure that’s fine. I think the person with the name gets to choose how it is pronounced anyway. I also feel like Édessé and Dess balance each other out in terms of gender leaning, which is neat.

Now, for the last name. It’s not really necessary, but I like having one for the sake of it. Out of curiosity, I looked up Google’s definition of “candy” just to see if it might spark any ideas. The noun definition, “a sweet food made with sugar or syrup combined with fruit, chocolate, or nuts”, is particularly hilarious to me. Anyone that knows me well personally and is aware of some of my less public flavors will understand why. The verb definition, “preserve (fruit) by coating and impregnating it with a sugar syrup”, is also quite hilarious for similar reasons. It also helped give me more confidence in an idea I had originally dismissed - dragon fruit, otherwise known as pitaya.

Candied dragon fruit exists, and while I don’t have any flavors referencing it, some of my fursona’s flavors are fruits at least, like blackberries, blueberries, and raspberries. So, the fruit connection isn’t out of nowhere. Plus, last names aren’t typically highly relevant to the people they belong to anyway. So, slapping it through Google Translate for Latin, we get “draco fructum”, and my friend liked the sound of “Dracofruct” as a last name. Interestingly, Dracofruct has no search results on Google at the time of writing, as long as you put quotes around it. Reversing it back through Google Translate (with a space) results in plural “dragon fruits”, making it a good last name for a family of delicious dragons to have.

Thus, my new fursona name is Édessé Dracofruct, Dess for short. Yes, “candy/sweet” + “dragon” + “fruit” is probably a bit too on-the-nose, but I mean, that’s what my fursona is basically. It’s a highly accurate description. Most importantly, it feels suitable to me. Perhaps as time passes I may decide to change it again, but for now, this is how I’d like to be. Call me Dess, avoid pronouns when it’s not too inconvenient, use they/them if necessary, and I guess Mx. Dracofruct works for formalities. Gender is a scam invented by Big Language to sell more hours of programmer time for localization work.

The holiday season is coming up, and I feel the need to remind people that my profile still explicitly states that I wish to not receive gifts or free art.

Art doesn't make me happy. It's just a tool for me to express myself, or to see others expressing themselves. It can be cool to look at, but it really just makes me wish I could actually be in it, and I can't be. It also usually makes me wish I could be my fursona, and I can't. So, it's sad in a way. Getting commissions of things I can never experience or do, with people I might never get to meet in person. I can only assume art makes other people happy. The only happiness I can derive from art is thinking that it makes others happy. Otherwise, it’s just aesthetically pleasing or kinky, but not something that makes me happy.

The only reasons I commission art are 1. to support the artist, 2. to express myself, and 3. to make others happy. If I am not involved in the process, then receiving art as a gift is not me expressing myself, it is someone else interpreting me in a way they think I might express myself. But it's not me. I don't like gifts because I don't trust other people to express me the way I would. Very, very few people even come close to having that trust. There's a chance they might get it right, they might get lucky and it will be how I would have wanted, but so far that's only happened once. So if someone gives me gift art, all that's left is that they supported an artist, maybe with a smaller tip than I would have given, and the result is art that makes me sad because I can never have it for real and it likely doesn't even express myself properly. Or maybe they were themselves the artist, in which case nobody was supported, so I just have to trust they enjoyed drawing it. If the art isn’t in a style I like, then I can’t even find it aesthetically pleasing, and that leaves only others’ enjoyment rather than my own.

In any case, I just have to hope it made someone happy in the process, and/or that it will continue to make others happy, because it never makes me happy on its own. I usually just end up lying and pretending to be happy about the gift so people don't think they did anything wrong. They say we're not supposed to look a gift horse in the mouth, but giving pets as gifts is a bad idea. I don't want to tell people their gifts hurt me, but taking someone else's character and surprising them with art of it is a bad idea, at least for me.

I thought this problem would go away as I overcame my self loathing issues. Well, I have mostly overcome them now, and while they were part of the problem, it wasn't the full picture. I do need to learn how to stop lying and saying I like something when I don't just to make people feel better. But that's orthogonal to this.

Normal people like gifts, so it's only reasonable to expect I might too. I know many people that would love to be surprised with gift art of their sona. I can't wrap my head around that. I'm not normal. Don't get me gifts.

If you want to do something nice for me, stop, and think about what goal you’re actually trying to achieve. Do you want me to be happy? I am vicarious; I can be happy through you just by talking with you and hearing about your happiness, as well as spending time with you. Do you want to feel like a good person for doing something kind for another person? Donate to charities and/or to people who actually need money, e.g.  FALendAHand. If you just want art with me, please talk to me and get my permission and my involvement.

There doesn't seem to be a way to not feature any journal. I'm just posting this journal to make the very long one not show on my main page because for whatever reason FA decided contact info should go below the featured journal.