I've noticed my mind goes through cycles. When I am in a more normal mood, I am very artistic. When I am in in a depressive phase, I seem to be more logical.

I just noticed this because I've been making progress coding a map system for a MOO I am tinkering in. I have perlin noise generation and am in the process of laying out the output in a dynamic square grid, though I think I could easily adapt this to any ratio. Well, I make progress when I don't feel the desire to withdraw and sleep constantly. (Something I am trying to fight hard)

I wonder if this is normal or do other people become more artistic during depression?

Of course, this could all just be randomness aligning, but I've noticed it happening a lot to me.

This depressive phase could be due to the fact that it is coming up on 1 year since my oldest friend more or less made fun of myself and my partner, how we cannot have kids and give our affection to our cats. A few months later, another schism formed and I lost two other friends, but we've since reconnected but not fully. Two weeks ago, another friend picked up on my partner and I having had a disagreement. Rather than letting us deal with it how we know we can, they poked their nose in, took sides and wound up reigniting it- something he has done to other of his friends, thinking he is the all-knowing helper. He has now left our circle, not sure out of guilt for making the disagreement worse.

I feel like I am losing all my friends. This scares me, because even though I am an introvert, I like having friends. Even if I don't speak to them, just knowing they are there is a comfort. I can now count on one hand how many friends I have. I am getting anxious watching the number dwindle. My biggest fear is being alone.

To anyone now or in the future that reads this, I apologize if I have ever seemed erratic or trying to hard to connect. I only feel that way towards people I respect, look up to and enjoy the company of. Please don't look too harshly on me for it and please forgive me for being annoying.

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I've just remembered something. A few days ago, I reconnected with an old friend I hadn't spoken to in years. Upon telling my girlfriend, she had a long, thoughtful pause and asked 'Are you seeking out these old friends because you are lonely?' My immediate answer was no, but now that I think about it... maybe I am lonely. I mean, I have her, but we don't really share any hobbies. She doesn't pursue art. She doesn't enjoy game design. She doesn't code outside of work hours. We don't discuss new games, as she likes ones she knows and hates trying new ones. These are all things I love and I want to discuss these things. With my group of friends so narrow, my feelings have no outlet.

So yeah, maybe I am lonely. Not for lack of company, but lack of shared interests. I don't know.