Dear All

As you may have noticed I've been absent from furmeets and social media for quiet some time.
This year has had it's ups and down but without going into detail the downs have been pretty significant. My relationship with a few close friends became very strained and eventually broke down over a few things and this has snowballed into the worst bout of depression I've ever suffered. I've been very ill for the last few months and lots of other things have stacked up on top of existing issues which lead to me hitting rock bottom while at work last week. Those who I have been in contact with will have probably noticed the changes in my behaviour and after an incident at work I had to pay a visit to my doctor and I'm now receiving treatment.

I don't blame anyone for my current circumstances. I've suffered with depressions on and off for as long as I can remember but a major contributing factor for me is social anxiety. I don't see social anxiety in it's self as an issue that affects my life too much nor would I have ever thought to see someone about it. It's just part of my personality however I'm a very lonely person because of it.

The issues I've had this year started because I was attracted to someone who was not interested in me. I'm all OK with that and I'd have been happy just as a friend but things spiralled out of control on social media with people I thought were good friends putting the boot in. This really hurt me.

Issues with this particular group continued well into the summer and this lead me to isolate myself. I began by deleting various social media accounts, removing posts and blocking or un-following a lot of people. Not necessarily because I have issues with those people but I needed some space.

I've tried to deal with my issues in various ways over the year however most haven't worked out and I found my self in total despair and had to seek medical help. I'm now trying to pick up the pieces of my life and get back on track. I attended the North Wales meet in Llandudno this weekend and actually managed to get through it which I didn't think would be possible a few weeks ago. This was in no small part thanks to Reskell who has been there for me in my darkest hours this year even when I've been pretty insufferable she stuck by me and for that I can't thank her enough as I know it's also been a turbulent time for her too.

I'd like to thank Phil and Andrew too who have also been there through the darkest of times and got me into amateur radio which has helped me cope in lots of ways. They got me out the house to go sit on the top of moors playing with radios and to ham fests and gave me lots to think about which helped take my mind off things. Thanks too to Raxor and Dee, Sham, Ocean Otter and Bouncy who have all been there for me from across the pond.

Anyway like I said I'm trying to pick up the pieces and I'll be flying out to MFF in a month. I'd love to think I'll be fine but I can't say for sure yet. I'm taking SSRI anti-depressants and my not be 100% well but I love my friends and would love to see everyone at MFF. I have to stop isolating myself and that is the reason for this letter. I wanted to explain my situation and to let people know what's going on.

I know a few people won't want anything to do with me any more and that's fine just please stay away from me but for everyone else I'd love to see you all. You may have to approach me first as I can't say I really know who my friends are any more and I may be a little timid at first but I look forward to meeting old friends and maybe meeting some new people.

If anyone would like to contact me I'll be on Skype (benshephard) and Telegram (@binkybun)
You can also get me by phone on 44 7779 587 732 (UK) and 1 312 216 7841 (USA while at MFF)
My twitter will be remaining fairly inactive and my locked account may mean you struggle to contact me there if I'm not currently following you.

Thanks for reading and thank-you to all my friends
Binky / Ben