Recently, I've come to a realization: I've discovered just how difficult beta reading is. I'll even use this journal and my second or tenth go-over of it as an example.

For those who don't know, beta reading is someone who reviews stories as a proof reader for grammatical mistakes while also offering the added benefit of giving feedback on content, like accuracy to facts, if a scene doesn't make sense, spot repeated words, etc.

I think I've been doing pretty good on my own, but damn, I can see why so many people need it. Found a lot of my own flaws in the process. I'll list a few.

When rereading a section, I'm simply not satisfied with a lot of what I do most of the time. I tend to be a perfectionist, so I keep adding and adding, rewriting over and over, because I can't leave it be. It can always be better, have more impact during a serious moment, or in the adult fiction sense, hit the right notes to make people get that special feeling. So I had to learn when enough is enough, to leave it as best as it is, and move on, otherwise it'll be in limbo forever. Easier said than done, I tell ya.

Then I noticed I often keep reusing reused words, which is a pet peeve of mine. See there? "Reuse" twice. It's even harder to spot when it's only a few sentences away. I've written "spot" twice so far in this journal, and that drives me insane.

There's small things, too.

Like how some of my learned sentence structure is old-fashioned. The extra comma is not universal anymore. "One, and two, and three," now is often "One, and two and three." I also suck at knowing when to hyphenate. Had to check "old-fashioned" online and apparently it can be with or without one; my brain tells me there's something off, so I get hung up on it. And semicolons, which I just used in the last line, can be a problem. I'm 75% sure I got that right. Maybe? For some reason, the rules for it just do not compute for me, so I often toss 'em in and hope for the best. I'm more certain in my skill with colons and parentheses, but not by much. Another is forgetting to add "-s" or "-ed" to the back end of some words. I write quick to get the ideas down, so I often forget them. Absolute pain in the ass.

Thank god there's autocorrect for my horrid fast-lane grammar (just misspelled grammar two seconds ago), but it can't pick up on everything. An extra space, plurals instead of singulars or vise versa, it won't see those. I think I have become to reliant on it. Everyone has...

But a big, BIG issue I have is with fact-checking. The Tuchanka Mass Effect story went down really well, so I got two more chapters in the pipe, one is pretty much ready to go. I planned on making this series huge. It snowballed into easily a 10-plus chapter series, some without erotic elements, which is a first for me. However, I haven't played the games themselves since ME3 multiplayer was still operational. That's like 12-13 years ago now. So needless to say, my lore knowledge is a tad rusty. A beta reader who specializes in that fandom would be so useful in that regard. Had to use the wiki for help, I'm glad it's so in-depth. And while I -could- replay the games, that is like a good 100-120 hour play time over three entries. That's a lot of work for a series I've already went through when I could be writing.

All these things I listed above, I know, are an inevitable part of the writing process, but it still bugs the hell out of me.

But to put it into perspective, in this journal alone, I estimate to have reread it in chunks at least two dozen times, just so I'm confident it's presentable. The amount of mistakes and rewrites could easily surpass 50.

Really, I'm complaining here to vent, but truth is, it's a chore I didn't expect to be so challenging. My respect for beta readers has grown tenfold, and they do it for fun. Superheroes, man.

At this point, I've given up on finding one. I simply do not know as much people as I used to. However, when I thought about it, this might be a good thing. More corrections and advice from a secondary source can and will make me second guess a lot of what I put down onto digital paper. And I would wonder if perhaps the beta reader's own writing style is clashing with my own, and they might inadvertently be rewriting what I made their own standards instead of keeping with how I do things.

I don't know... So if you're ever wondering why it takes me this long (by current standards, not previous where it too me over a decade to get my shit together) to post something, these are primary reasons.

Maybe I can use this journal to help. Whenever I'll check my front page, I'll see it and it'll remind me I'm not perfect, I'm not going to be the best writer in history and I shouldn't aim to be. My flaws, knowing I have them at all means I am growing as an artist. Humility is a good trait to have. A reminder or two can go a long way.

I just wish the whole ordeal wasn't such a struggle. But it is what it is. Creation and suffering go hand in hand. Means you care about what you do.

So please bear with me. My goal is to have the next chapter out by the end of this month. I also have an original series I once posted on here ages ago called Griffin Noir. Remade the title and revamped it. The first chapter for that is done as far as I am concerned, but I've been hesitant to post it. Releasing original stuff not based in a established fandom is A LOT more stressful, worrying about if what I've made, my own plot and characters, things unique to my creative process, are going to be received favorably. I want to get that out by the end of the month as well. Gotta pull the trigger.

Until then, I'll keep updated here. I don't expect many to read this journal, or anyone really, but it makes me feel better getting this stuff off my chest so... yeah. See ya for now.

-J