I drew the lineart for this one last Wednesday, but it's taken a lot of time to ink because I don't really like it.

Don't take me wrong; I don't think it looks too bad. There are many things in it I really like, but...
But I wanted to draw it a sweet little thing, and it just came out as something deeply unsettling.

You see, while my fursona is a terrorkitten and I identify a lot with terrorkittens, this doesn't mean I identify with every terrorkitten or that every terrorkitten I draw is a personification of me. They're their own species, and only one terrorkitten is me.

Which means that terrorkitten over there is not me. They're someone else; someone standing much too close for comfort, pulling my mane lightly with a mouth pincer, holding me with claws against my skin... and something inside me feels upset at this. Like they have no right to be doing something that intimate to me.

I know this terrorkitten doesn't have my best interests at heart. Even if they wanted to actually have my best intentions at heart, there are no ways for a terrorkitten to understand what those would even be. Maybe this is why I find this one so uncomfortable? It's intimacy without understanding.

I'm also pretty sure that pao has a knife in her paw, hidden behind her back. Just in case.
Se does not seem all that happy about the situation.


So, this was kind of a failure, but I learnt a lot.
Moving this to scraps later when I have coloured it.

* * *

[Retrospective Edit: I was thinking about adding this when I wrote the description for this image, but I forgot about it until now. So:
The only time I've seen anyone have a healthy relationship with a terrorkitten, it has been with Steward Sebastian. For some reason, that really works, and I'm not sure how or why, but he seems to be the only one who could really befriend one and keep both of them safe in doing so.
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/21117748/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/21704857/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/21710346/

I don't know why, but they seem to do well together. Maybe any older Steward could have a good relationship with a terrorkitten. Maybe he's just an outlier, strange even for being an older Steward. In any case, I'm not sure I can make sweet things with terrorkittens together with anyone else, because they follow different rules and ethics than anyone else.

Maybe they just need someone with as much unyielding love and compassion wrapped up in humble but unwavering confidence as Steward Sebastian in order to successfully interact in a healthy manner? Someone who can actually understand where they're coming from and play to their strengths and reinforce them while only discouraging their 'faults' when it's absolutely necessary, because he can respect all parts of them?

I don't know. Steward Sebastian is a peculiar man, and his love is a peculiar love.

When I tell people that I'm a monster but that my griffin is an even worse monster, he often adds that one should always be more afraid of the monster's mate(s), because they are the people who feel safe enough to sleep right next to that monster. They are the ones who can walk beside that monster and do so safely.

In my head, there will always be a lot of truth in those words.
No matter the gentle smiles, and calm voices, Stewards are scary, scary people.
They are the ones who speak to monsters and gain their loyalties and affections.

I am no Steward. I'm still a creature of tooth and claw, and sword more than word.
I think this is why I'd never be safe with a terrorkitten, because they react to tooth and claw with tooth and claw, just like I would.
And just like I would, they would see a challenge and fight it to win, and we would both be destroyed in the process.

I'm not a Steward. I'm just one of the monsters who would follow one: unashamed of my claws and glad to put them to use.
But also more and more a monster learning more and more tools that are not claws. That is sometimes speaking quietly in the dark.
That is sometimes easing pain. That is sometimes serving for the sake of others.

I'm just a monster who is slowly understanding Stewards more and more.
And I feel fear. But also, for the first time ever: envy.
And hope that I too can learn.