Studio Tour
© 2022 by Walter Reimer

Based on conversation with  eocostello
Thumbnail art by  marmelmm
Prompt: “Many actors. Your backlot is busy.”


"Submitted for your edification and mystification: The twisted product of a conversation that took place the previous night, which bridges the already-thin divide between the staid and the zany, between reality and 'reality,' between idiocy and intelligence, a little place we like to call . . . The Weirdness Zone."




(Tour Guide): “Good morning, everyone! Welcome to the studios of Muttro-Grizzly-Minque, where the motto is Arse-Gratuitous-Artis! You are lucky today, as our tour of the backlot will include a look at the studio commissary, where all of the characters from the MGM stories gather for lunch. As our bus moves through the various outdoor scenes, you are free to take pictures, but please remember to keep your various paws, hands, or other manipulatory members inside the bus at all times, or you may be dragged off and turned into a character yourself.

“As we top the next rise – yes, there it is! Yes, it’s a very large building, isn’t it? It was designed by Howard Croark, who was later very sadly committed to the Thorndyke Center for the Very Very Nervous. The building’s larger than two Zeppelin hangars side by side, and is roughly as tall as NASA’s Vehicle Assembly Building –

“Pardon me, yes? Why is it so big?

“Have you READ any of the MGM stories? When people talk of a ‘cast of thousands,’ they aren’t kidding. Besides, you need to have room for dragons and other big creatures, they can’t dine al fresco all the time. Seriously, imagine a dragon trying to eat spaghetti carbonara outside in a driving thunderstorm. I don’t know if you’ve ever encountered an angry dragon, but it’s not something you want.

“Trust me on that.

“The building’s so large that we can actually drive the tour bus through the building, but not to worry. We will be stopping at a smaller version of the cafeteria so that you can get a bite to eat, and the menu has exactly the same items as are being served to all of the actors. I will warn you, however, that selections for variant metabolisms will not be on the menu, for your safety.

“Yes, yes, I know, you all signed a waiver. Still.

“Wow, quite the place inside, isn’t it? I’m told that the ceiling’s so high up it can create its own weather. I don’t believe it myself, but there are ponchos under your seats if it suddenly starts raining.

“The length? Oh, the tables are different lengths depending on the cast of each story, and you can see that some, like E.O.C.’s Faerie stories, are REALLY long. MGM did experiment with grouping the cast members by species, but that fell through when Westersloe Winterbough V was seated next to Daniel Hart. Winterbough is a bit biased against whitetail deer, and comedy videos of the resulting food fight are available in the gift shop.

“That table way over there, with the curtains around it? That’s reserved for our adult characters, and no, we won’t be going over there, this tour’s G-rated.

“Yes, yes, I know, but W.D. was overruled. By whom? His partners, his lawyers, and a few of the adult characters who felt uncomfortable.

“Anyway.

“Oh, look! Here’s a group of ninja wahs, who might be skulking into the room to commit a murder – or just dropped by for a snack before the next scene they’ll be appearing in.”

(GRAMS: Trumpet fanfare, sound of tramping feet)

“Oh! That fanfare only means that W.D. is arriving at the front gate of the MGM studios. He’s usually borne around the studio grounds on a palanquin carried by eight brawny but extremely attractive elephant femmes. No need for a separate trumpet section, you know? Have to economize somewhere. Driver, can we - ? We can? Great!

“Gentlebeings, we’re in for a treat. We’re headed for the front gate to see W.D. celebrated raconteur, self-described relentless degenerate and the writer of this scene, arrive to receive the tribute and applause of all his characters.

“Later on, we might actually get to watch him interact with his characters as he crafts a new story. Okay, we’re here! Let’s listen in, shall we?”

(Gate Guard): “Hello, W.D.”

(W.D.): “Good morning. I’m feeling like having lunch with my cast members today. I’m peckish for a banh mi.”

(Gate Guard): “A what?”

(W.D.): “Banh mi! Banh mi!”

(Gate Guard): “Oh, whatever you say.” (to his radio) “W.D. is now banned from the studio.”

(W.D.): “Whaaat!”

(Gate Guard): “Back away from the gate, please.”

(W.D.): “But – “

(Gate Guard): “Back away or I’ll call the Dream Police. They’ll never get out of your head.”

(W.D.): (sniffles, shuffling footsteps)

(GRAMS: Minor key violins)

(Tour Guide): “Oh. Ah, heheh, well, minor problem there . . . Let’s head on over to the Special Effects Department . . . “




end