CATCH A BIG WAVE

Sixteen years ago, I decided I wanted to become an artist. I was in high school at sixteen years old in the summer of two-thousand-nine. Now it’s the summer of twenty-twenty-five, and I’ve crossed the barrier. I’ve had more years and days in my life as an artist than the years I spent growing up not making art at all.

When I first decided to make art, I was eight years old. I saw artists could do a few things. You could become an artist if your art ended up in a museum, made your pictures move on a screen, or your artwork ended up in a book. At eight, I thought that was what made you an artist. I didn’t draw very much because I thought what I was making wasn’t art. I was also upset that many books didn’t have a lot of pictures in them. I thought words had things to say that I couldn’t understand very well, but the pictures proved what was being said, giving those words more power. The belief from teachers and family that ‘books shouldn’t have pictures’ really stuck with me. It made art seem unnecessary.

I was not happy at sixteen, but I felt that I could be good. I didn’t understand this feeling in full, but felt it most strongly in making art. I had to be good to myself, so what art I drew was good because I made it. It was a start. I was looking for style, and found that art was a flow that ended with art as the result. There was always going to be pain, but I hoped that I could master the craft somehow.

Many things happened in between the waves of the seasons. Seeing hills in other countries where painters sat and made compositions from nature centuries before me. Babysitting a fun kid who was interested in the different colors of markers I shared with them. Doing volunteer work teaching art after school while in university. Teachers who wanted to see me succeed, scolded me for even trying, and others who weren’t even there most of the time. I remember going to a museum with one of my aunts, and after saying enough times over “It could’ve been done this way instead” she turned to me and said, “Why don’t I see you up there then, smartass?”

Now in the present day I make furry art primarily focused on sexual fetish material, and I enjoy being queer with many friends who enjoy the same subjects. Here we are! Thank you to everyone who has helped me succeed and excel further at making art. Thank you for your patience when I had to understand new things in art as I was making it for paying clients. Thank you for so much joy and kindness you’ve shared with me as many have told me I give them the same joy through the art I share. You’re all very kind to me.

So now what?

Currently I’m experiencing a strange sensation this summer. I’m pushing myself with new projects I have already been sharing publicly, privately, and so on. Coincidentally I’m also passing through the psychological barrier of these sixteen years upon myself as my goal to overcome inadequacy. I have now spent most of my life being an artist, and I am able to nurture the branch of my mastery in the arts alongside nurturing the other branches of my life. It was then this strange sensation came over me. What comes after the goal I’ve pushed for myself to achieve for so long?

The answer is clear enough for me that I felt it was important enough to share with others once. My next goal is understanding what it means to be queer in new ways. I have used the word ‘queer’ in such broad terms for so many years, but it still fits as the best definition I could give for myself and my own work. Now I wish to understand it beyond an umbrella term, and not just for myself. Paradoxically, I am interested in understanding what this means for characters I create and write for as well.

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Going forward, there will be a difference between how I express my sexuality, and how the characters I write and draw will express their sexuality. I am interested in seeing what it means to be queer for each of my characters, and their relationship with queer sexuality in general. I don’t want characters to only be queer for me. I want them to be queer for themselves. This is the new, complicated dance I want to share through my art. This is the goal I am striving to achieve. This is what we’re doing.

It’s going to be a perpetual balancing act, and I may not always get it right. Folks may not interpret things as well as I hope. I will carry my history in art on my shoulders at all times. Things could change anyways, and control over my life and art could slip away. Even then this is important enough to share for posterity. I want to express and understand queer sexuality through how much it means to be queer for each of my characters, and not just how these characters can be queer for me. I must figure this out.

As an example: Sot is my fursona, and is heavily tied to how I express myself sexually. As a result, Sot will not be appearing in other works beyond my fetish material. I don’t want to explore anything else with my fursona beyond how I explore my sexuality. In contrast, Clayton the Chameleon may also be explored in fetish material for myself, but will also carry himself in a separate setting where he will learn what it means to be queer for himself.

The work exercising myself towards this goal will be shared in the future in a separate space from this account. Please understand. Thank you.

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But what is there to show now? For years, you have seen me exploring my own sexual fantasies tenaciously. Each of my characters have experienced some form of exploitation and devotion in order for me to explore these feelings. Becoming older, I know this intense fervor will not last forever, but I’m not going back and saying these years were a waste of time. This has been a blast. I’ve learned so much through art!

Throughout my life I’ve experienced waves. Making art through a sexual, obsessive devotion is captivating to me. These waves make life and art very exciting. One wave could be new feelings and sensations involving breast expansion. The next wave is understanding what I find appealing about inflatable characters again. What are characters really full of, if they’re not full of food or air? What does it feel like when I think someone has stretched too big and far? These are the waves of my sexuality.

I have seen complaints sometimes that there are people who are too esoteric in their sexual fantasies that it’s hard to connect with them. I have a fear of experiencing this for myself. Yet it’s still only a fear. Through these waves every time I better understand nuances of what’s most tantalizing to share with others. I am compelled to become stronger as an artist because I strive to achieve multiple goals. The deep desire to let my characters express their own selves in relationship to queer sexuality in their lives, alongside how I want to express my own queer sexuality anyways. I think this balancing act is really going to be a lot of fun! There will be a few headaches in between, but I’ll be OK.

Queer sexuality in my life is how people share colors to put their sexual or gender identity in a context for others to understand. Queer sexuality in my life is how a body can touch against one another in ways that surprise me. Queer sexuality is the new surprises I experience in expressing gender, or even a lack thereof. Queer sexuality in my life is what clothes makes or creates a person and who they are. Queer sexuality is seeing people’s eyes widen in surprise as they see a character I share with them grow bigger than they could’ve imagined at that moment. These are the big waves.

Laying my head to slumber, I feel the waves that rock my lifeboat echo through my bedside. My bed rocks and sways, and I drift to sleep. I experience dreams of another life, and the waves still appear. Sometimes they are a tsunami. Other times they are calm as I talk with someone who may be ready to take me to a further dreamland, or even a nightmare. Spirits keep me safe and out of danger. When I wake up, the waves are compartmentalized within my mind. My hands speak for themselves, but show me their own interpretations of the waves I experience. I must catch these waves in my hands. I cherish them.

Catch a big wave. The more you let a wave roll and pass through you, you may understand more of what makes that wave special for you, and you will be able to catch others too. All of these waves are part of the big, open picture. You’re in it.

So? Smile with knowing, and grin with pride. You’ve got style and grace beyond imagination, but you must grasp it. Let waves roll and look closely at their shimmering displays. What do you see?

Catch a big wave.