Aaron's Reviews > My Policeman

Well, this one's left me feeling conflicted.

First off, I'd like to say that - generally speaking - I do think the book achieved what (I hope) it was trying to do. Offering us the perspectives of Marion and Patrick but leaving Tom an outsider to his own narrative, these journal entries created a version of Tom that could only ever be shrouded in secrecy. He was a guest, a constant but distant subject of desire, in these two narrators' lives, making the reader get a grasp on his lack of agency.

Though presented as the main narrator, Marion's lack of positive traits makes it difficult to relate to or sympathise with her. I feel for her struggle in the sense that she was so obsessed with the idea of a man to relieve her of societal pressures that she closed herself off to the signs of his disinterest and, sometimes, disdain. She was deceived - but her feelings of betrayal do not justify her choices. I cannot and will not pretend that her narrative was brought to a satisfying ending. I did not expect one, don't get me wrong, but her final act of attempting to rectify her mistakes reeked of nothing but self-grandeur and a need to have the last word. She was a meddler, in every part of this story, and that's what made me dread each time the book returned to her entries. In the end, I hoped that Julia would leave her standing in the rain, abandoned. That's not a good way to feel about a protagonist's final send-off. If all of this was intentional, I commend the author - if not, I'm left unsettled.

Regarding Patrick, I feel conflicted as well. I quite enjoyed the tonal shift, the obvious way in which Patrick had a much more realistic grasp on the world around him than Marion did. He was direct in his thoughts and feelings, a bit crass at times, and I felt a sense of kinship with him. Describing Tom, he veered into the same territory as Marion - obsessive, demanding, deceiving. But I felt like his love and his need for Tom's presence in his life were genuine. Reading his journals, I thought: Jesus fucking Christ, Tom must have the most intoxicating presence of anyone on this planet - with the way in which he made Patrick risk his own safety (and life) occasionally. I felt intrigued, because Tom sounded like more of an intriguing person through his eyes. With the way in which he acted around Patrick, I could understand why Patrick fell for him hard, and fast.

Tom - well. As I said earlier, Tom exists only as a culmination of whatever Marion and Patrick deemed worthy to point out about him. Humorous, shy, beautiful, interested in the world around him. Pained and paranoid and yet, somehow, reckless in his need for affection. I fell in love with him a little, reading these descriptions of him. His hurt and anger and apprehension, as well as his elation and joy, felt real. And yet, he seemed fickle. Disappearing and reappearing, giving people what he thought they wanted, staying quiet. Settling. I wonder whether I'd have minded his selfishness more, had his wife been someone other than Marion. Who knows.

All that being said, what made me pause the most was the way in which the story progressed after Venice. I won't go into detail but I've got to say that I feel like the stakes either weren't established correctly or that the pacing was off. We had years, decades even, that weren't addressed. Consequences to revalations that weren't explored. Tom's fate after the court testimonies, aside from his change in profession, was a footnote. Patrick doesn't exist until Marion decides that he should - and he's been dealt yet another painful, searing fate that Marion can't help but make entirely about herself. Tom's change in priorities and feelings goes largely unaddressed, aside from a quick mention of the men he fucks on the side.

The glimmer of hope I felt, reading about Tom wanting to reconnect with Patrick after Marion's lied to him about his condition, was soured by Marion's need for control once more. She couldn't help it - she had to make the resolution to decades of loss and pain and fear about her own guilt and redemption. I genuinely wished that Tom would abandon her letters and approach Patrick without them. Tell his own story, maybe, because it'd been lacking in Marion's and Patrick's.

Like Marion mentioned - all Patrick ever wanted was for Tom to be there. He needed him, either to recover or to let go. What Tom wanted, we don't really know. What Marion wanted, the voice in my head wanted to deny her.

My rating for this book is so ambivalent because I cannot for the life of me figure out whether my feelings of dissatisfaction and frustration were aimed for by the author or not. If they were - well played, I very much dislike where this story has placed its focus. I enjoyed the writing itself for the most part, aside from a handful of moments that made me cringe with second-hand embarrassment, but I feel like there's heaps of unexplored potential here.

I'm interested to see whether the film adaptation will finally grant Tom some agency of his own.