4,599 Forum Posts by "Zymbot"
I wasn't participating in this challenge, but I finished reading A Confederacy of Dunces, by John Kennedy Toole the other day, and it's hilarious. It's about a pompous, arrogant, delusional, over-educated, overweight 30 year old bum named Ignatius J. Reilly, who is forced by his mother to leave the house and get a job. He eventually gets a job manning a hot dog cart, and the stupid shit he does is so funny. His boss, Mr. Clyde, gets tired of his mouth very quickly and the talks they have are very funny.
--
“We got a complaint on you from the Board of Health, Reilly.”
“Oh, is that all? From the expression on your face, I thought that you were having some sort of epileptic seizure,” Ignatius said to Mr. Clyde through his mouthful of hot dog and bun, bumping his wagon into the garage. “I am afraid to guess what the complaint could be or how it could have originated. I assure you that I have been the very soul of cleanliness. My intimate habits are above reproach. Carrying no social diseases, I don’t see what I could possible transmit to your hot dogs that they do not already have. Look at these fingernails.”
“Don’t gimme none of your bullshit, you fat bum.” Mr. Clyde ignored the paws that Ignatius extended for inspection. “You only been on the job a few days. I got guys working for me for years never been in trouble with the Board.”
“No doubt they’re more foxy than I.”
“They got this man checking on you.”
“Oh,” Ignatius said calmly and paused to chew on the tip of the hot dog that was sticking from his mouth like a cigar butt. “So that’s who that obvious appendage of officialdom was. He looked like an arm of the bureaucracy. You can always tell employees of the government by the total vacancy which occupies the space where most other people have faces.”
“Shut up, you big slob. Did you pay for that weenie you eating?”
“Well, indirectly. You may subtract it from my miserable wage.” Ignatius watched as r. Clyde jotted some numbers on a pad. “Tell me, what archaic sanitary taboo have I violated? I suspect that it’s some falsification on the part of the inspector.”
“The Board says they seen the vendor with Number Seven . . . that’s you . . .”
So it is. Thrice-blessed Seven! I’m guilty on that count. They’ve already pinned something on me. I imagined that Seven would ironically be an unlucky cart. I want another cart as soon as possible. Apparently I’m pushing a jinx about the streets. I am certain that I can do better with some other wagon. A new cart, a new start.”
“Will you listen to me?”
“Well, if I really must. I should perhaps warn you that I am about to faint from anxiety and general depression, though. The film I saw last night was especially grueling, a teen-age beach musical. I almost collapsed during the singing sequence on surfboard. In addition, I suffered through two nightmares last night, one involving a Scenicruiser bus. The other involved a girl of my acquaintance. It was rather brutal and obscene. If I described it to you, you would no doubt become frightened.”
“They seen you picking a cat out the gutter on St. Joseph Street.”
“Is that the best they can do? What an absurd lie,” Ignatius said and with a flip of his tongue pulled in the last visible portion of the hot dog.
“What was you doing on St. Joseph Street? That’s all warehouses and wharfs out there. They’s no people on St. Joseph? That’s not even on our routes.”
“Well, I didn’t know that. I had only feebly shambled out there to rest a while. Occasionally a pedestrian happened along. Unfortunately for us, they did not seem to be in hot dog moods.”
“So you was there? No wonder you not selling nothing. And I guess you was playing with that goddam cat.”
“Now that you mention it, I do seem to remember a domesticated animal or two in the vicinity.”
“So you was playing playing with the cat.”
“No, I was not ‘playing’ with the cat. I only picked it up to fondle it a bit. It was a rather appealing calico. I offered it a hot dog. However, the cat refused to eat it. It was an animal with taste and decency.”
“You realize what a serious violation that is, you big ape?”
“No, I am afraid I don’t,” Ignatius said angrily. “It has apparently been taken for granted that the cat was unclean. How do we know that? Cats are notoriously sanitary, continuously licking at themselves when they suspect that there is the slightest cause for offense. This cat hasn’t been given a chance.”
“We not talking about this cat!” Mr. Clyde said with such vehemence that Ignatius was able to see the purple veins swelling around the whitened scar on this nose. “We talking about you.”
“Well, I certainly am clean. We’ve already discussed that. I just wanted to see that the cat got a fair hearing. Sir, am I going to be endlessly harassed? My nerves are nearing total decay already. When you checked my fingernails a moment ago, I hope you noticed the frightening vibration of my hands. I would hate to sue Paradise Vendors, Incorporated, to pay the psychiatrist’s fees. Perhaps you do not know that I am not covered by any hospitalization plan. Pradise Vendors, of course, is too paleolithic to consider offering its workers such benefits. Actually, sir, I am growing quite dissatisfied with conditions at this disreputable firm”
---
I highly recommend this book. This Reilly character is like the original lolcow.
Currently reading this Halloween-themed novel called Dark Harvest.
I like it so far. It has a lot of cool Halloween atmosphere to it. It kinda feels like Goosebumps, except there's foul language, and people get violently killed.
At 9/28/23 07:58 PM, Joltopus wrote:At 9/28/23 12:47 PM, Zymbot wrote:Finished my 5th and final book.
Yellow, by Aron Beauregard. (2021)
It's about a man named Oliver Fitch, who owns a small convenience store with his wife in an unnamed city. Corruption runs rampant, and the Fitch's are constantly harassed, bullied, and stolen from by street thugs, and corrupt cops. After a violent attack, that makes Oliver lose everything, he finally snaps, and sets out to put the scum in the dirt, once and for all.
It's a simple revenge yard, inspired by stories like Death Wish.
It's okay, but not great. It's carried by Oliver himself. He remains sympathetic, even after going insane. Most of the other characters are one-note archetypes.
Aron Beauregard is an 'extreme' writer, so there's some really gross shit in here. Some rather absurd stuff too, like the main villain, the gang leader, is some weirdo satanist who conducts rituals and shit.
Not a whole lot of depth to it, but it's an okay read for what it is.
Is that the Babies in a Blender guy?
Not sure what that's a reference to.
Finished my 5th and final book.
Yellow, by Aron Beauregard. (2021)
It's about a man named Oliver Fitch, who owns a small convenience store with his wife in an unnamed city. Corruption runs rampant, and the Fitch's are constantly harassed, bullied, and stolen from by street thugs, and corrupt cops. After a violent attack, that makes Oliver lose everything, he finally snaps, and sets out to put the scum in the dirt, once and for all.
It's a simple revenge yard, inspired by stories like Death Wish.
It's okay, but not great. It's carried by Oliver himself. He remains sympathetic, even after going insane. Most of the other characters are one-note archetypes.
Aron Beauregard is an 'extreme' writer, so there's some really gross shit in here. Some rather absurd stuff too, like the main villain, the gang leader, is some weirdo satanist who conducts rituals and shit.
Not a whole lot of depth to it, but it's an okay read for what it is.
I still use my 3DS today.
Finally started my fifth and final book today. Read 3 chapters.
Happy Clock Day, and God bless us, everyone!
Plumbers Don't Wear Ties is making a comeback as well.
Looks like cringe games are back on the menu, boys!
Only rip off the best, I say.
New trailer. Looks at least faithful to the material.
Finished my 4th book.
Less Than Zero, by Bret Easton Ellis. A tale of privilege, detachment, and youthful alienation.
It's about a young man named Clay, who returns home to Los Angeles from college during break. Clay and his friends, all of whom come from wealthy families, seem to live for nothing but empty hedonism. Constant drug use, going to clubs, and hooking up. The guys even hook up with each other.
It's pretty bleak. Definitely not a fun read.
Clay can only have empty, meaningless interactions with just about everybody around him. Even his psychiatrist, and his own family. Everyone is completely detached and self-centered.
It's similar to American Psycho, which Ellis also wrote. Touches on lots of the same themes of how empty the 80's yuppie culture is, and how all these people tend to have identical looks, and interchangeable personalities. It doesn't touch on horror nearly as much as American Psycho, but the darkness really ramps up towards the end.
At 4/11/23 08:35 PM, Zymbot wrote:Finished my first book.
The Psycho Killers, by Nelson T. Novak. It's a recent book, but it's meant as a throwback to the men's adventure novels of the 70's and 80's.
It's about a New York Detective Sergeant named Joe Blitz, who's up against hulking, monstrous mutants who are having their way with the women of the city.
It's a pretty bad novel, and SUPER sleazy, but I kinda enjoyed it.
It's only 223 pages, so it doesn't wear out it's welcome.
The main character is very unlikable, to the point that it's funny.
Oh crap, a sequel just came out. I need to read it!
At 5/10/23 03:12 PM, Zymbot wrote:Finished my third book.
The Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger.
I've finally read this classic. It's about a young man who hates phonies, and is frustrated with himself and almost everything around him. Not a plot heavy story, more of a slice of life. I enjoyed it.
I hope I don't suddenly start wanting to shoot a famous person because I read this...
“I'm quite illiterate, but I read a lot. ”
That's my favorite quote from the book.
Finished my third book.
The Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger.
I've finally read this classic. It's about a young man who hates phonies, and is frustrated with himself and almost everything around him. Not a plot heavy story, more of a slice of life. I enjoyed it.
I hope I don't suddenly start wanting to shoot a famous person because I read this...
Finished my second book.
The Triggerman: Brains For Brunch. By Bruno Scarpetta. Another pastiche of old men's adventure novels.
It's about a guy who becomes "The Triggerman", a one-man killing machine after his family is murdered by the Mafia, and all he wants is to kill as many Mafia members as he can. This has already happened when the story starts, and he's well into his Mafia killing career. It reads like it's just one of a series of books that doesn't exist.
The Triggerman is addicted to killing Mafia types, to the point that he literally gets the shakes if he goes too long without killing any. He is kind of a Gary Stu, in that he encounters very little setback, and just breezes through all these violent encounters. He's a wish-fulfillment, "don't you wish you were as cool and capable as this guy" type of character that appeals to the base male mind.
There's not a whole lot of actual plot. Just a bunch of set pieces loosely strung together. There's an extremely un-PC part of the book where the Triggerman has to infiltrate a meeting of Black Liberation militant types to get some certain info, so he dons blackface and a pimpin' outfit, and uses over-the-top stereotypical ebonics, and nobody suspects a thing. It's very funny.
Some actual plot comes in during the second half, when the Triggerman teams up with somebody from the Mafia world: The daughter of a big time Mafia don, who's the mistress of the very ancient Mafia don that the Triggerman is currently targeting. She has her own reasons for hating the Mafia, and she's even more twisted and deranged than the Triggerman himself. She gets off to seeing the Mafia killed gruesomely, which leads to lots of pornographic sex scenes.
It's still a much less gross novel than The Psycho Killers, because there is no rape or real sexual violence in this story.
This is a decent one, if you like this sort of thing. I have more of these kinds of books, but I'm gonna read something completely different next time.
Finished my first book.
The Psycho Killers, by Nelson T. Novak. It's a recent book, but it's meant as a throwback to the men's adventure novels of the 70's and 80's.
It's about a New York Detective Sergeant named Joe Blitz, who's up against hulking, monstrous mutants who are having their way with the women of the city.
It's a pretty bad novel, and SUPER sleazy, but I kinda enjoyed it.
It's only 223 pages, so it doesn't wear out it's welcome.
The main character is very unlikable, to the point that it's funny.
This remodeling of the house has been a much bigger pain in the ass than expected. I won't even go into it, but I think we're past all the bullshit.
I'm reading again. I started a different book, though. I'm about halfway through it. I'll tell you about it when I'm done.
What's it all REALLY About?
What the fuck is going on in Kingdom Hearts?
At 4/1/23 10:34 AM, MMFan2004 wrote:Hmm that's odd. Clock Day was on August 15th.
What is this mischief?!
I can't believe my last post on general was a Snakes on a Plane shitpost.
https://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1522837
Epic way to go out.
This is worse than the time the IMDB forums shut down.
My heart is broken, but my gold is safe.
I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!
The guy on the bike is me when you come after my gold.
