TheGlassCastle

AMemoir
JeannetteWalls
SCRIBNER
NewYorkLondonTorontoSydney

Acknowledgments
I'dliketothankmybrother,Brian,forstandingbymewhenweweregrowingupandwhileIwrotethis.
I'malsogratefultomymotherforbelievinginartandtruthandforsupportingtheideaofthebook;to
mybrilliantandtalentedoldersister,Lori,forcomingaroundtoit;andtomyyoungersister,Maureen,
whomIwillalwayslove.Andtomyfather,RexS.Walls,fordreamingallthosebigdreams.
Veryspecialthanksalsotomyagent,JenniferRudolphWalsh,forhercompassion,wit,tenacity,and
enthusiasticsupport;tomyeditor,NanGraham,forherkeensenseofhowmuchisenoughandfor
caringsodeeply;andtoAlexisGargaglianoforherthoughtfulandsensitivereadings.
MygratitudefortheirearlyandconstantsupportgoestoJayandBetsyTaylor,LauriePeck,Cynthia
andDavidYoung,AmyandJimScully,AshleyPearson,DanMathews,SusanWatson,andJessica
TaylorandAlexGuerrios.
Icanneveradequatelythankmyhusband,JohnTaylor,whopersuadedmeitwastimetotellmystory
andthenpulleditoutofme.
Darkisawayandlightisaplace,
Heaventhatneverwas
Norwillbeeverisalwaystrue
DylanThomas,
"PoemonHisBirthday"
I
AWOMANONTHESTREET

IWASSITTINGINataxi,wonderingifIhadoverdressedfortheevening,whenIlookedoutthe
windowandsawMomrootingthroughaDumpster.Itwasjustafterdark.AblusteryMarchwind

whippedthesteamcomingoutofthemanholes,andpeoplehurriedalongthesidewalkswiththeir
collarsturnedup.IwasstuckintraffictwoblocksfromthepartywhereIwasheading.
Momstoodfifteenfeetaway.Shehadtiedragsaroundhershoulderstokeepoutthespringchilland
waspickingthroughthetrashwhileherdog,ablackandwhiteterriermix,playedatherfeet.Mom's
gestureswereallfamiliarthewayshetiltedherheadandthrustoutherlowerlipwhenstudyingitems
ofpotentialvaluethatshe'dhoistedoutoftheDumpster,thewayhereyeswidenedwithchildishglee
whenshefoundsomethingsheliked.Herlonghairwasstreakedwithgray,tangledandmatted,andher
eyeshadsunkdeepintotheirsockets,butstillsheremindedmeofthemomshe'dbeenwhenIwasa
kid,swandivingoffcliffsandpaintinginthedesertandreadingShakespearealoud.Hercheekbones
werestillhighandstrong,buttheskinwasparchedandruddyfromallthosewintersandsummers
exposedtotheelements.Tothepeoplewalkingby,sheprobablylookedlikeanyofthethousandsof
homelesspeopleinNewYorkCity.
IthadbeenmonthssinceIlaideyesonMom,andwhenshelookedup,Iwasovercomewithpanicthat
she'dseemeandcalloutmyname,andthatsomeoneonthewaytothesamepartywouldspotus
togetherandMomwouldintroduceherselfandmysecretwouldbeout.
IsliddownintheseatandaskedthedrivertoturnaroundandtakemehometoParkAvenue.
Thetaxipulledupinfrontofmybuilding,thedoormanheldthedoorforme,andtheelevatormantook
meuptomyfloor.Myhusbandwasworkinglate,ashedidmostnights,andtheapartmentwassilent
exceptfortheclickofmyheelsonthepolishedwoodfloor.IwasstillrattledfromseeingMom,the
unexpectednessofcomingacrossher,thesightofherrootinghappilythroughtheDumpster.Iputsome
Vivaldion,hopingthemusicwouldsettlemedown.
Ilookedaroundtheroom.Thereweretheturnofthecenturybronzeandsilvervasesandtheoldbooks
withwornleatherspinesthatI'dcollectedatfleamarkets.ThereweretheGeorgianmapsI'dhad
framed,thePersianrugs,andtheoverstuffedleatherarmchairIlikedtosinkintoattheendoftheday.
I'dtriedtomakeahomeformyselfhere,triedtoturntheapartmentintothesortofplacewherethe
personIwantedtobewouldlive.ButIcouldneverenjoytheroomwithoutworryingaboutMomand
Dadhuddledonasidewalkgratesomewhere.Ifrettedaboutthem,butIwasembarrassedbythem,too,
andashamedofmyselfforwearingpearlsandlivingonParkAvenuewhilemyparentswerebusy
keepingwarmandfindingsomethingtoeat.
WhatcouldIdo?I'dtriedtohelpthemcountlesstimes,butDadwouldinsisttheydidn'tneedanything,
andMomwouldaskforsomethingsilly,likeaperfumeatomizeroramembershipinahealthclub.
Theysaidthattheywerelivingthewaytheywantedto.
AfterduckingdowninthetaxisoMomwouldn'tseeme,Ihatedmyselfhatedmyantiques,my
clothes,andmyapartment.Ihadtodosomething,soIcalledafriendofMom'sandleftamessage.It
wasoursystemofstayingintouch.ItalwaystookMomafewdaystogetbacktome,butwhenIheard
fromher,shesounded,asalways,cheerfulandcasual,asthoughwe'dhadlunchthedaybefore.Itold
herIwantedtoseeherandsuggestedshedropbytheapartment,butshewantedtogotoarestaurant.
Shelovedeatingout,soweagreedtomeetforlunchatherfavoriteChineserestaurant.

Momwassittingatabooth,studyingthemenu,whenIarrived.She'dmadeanefforttofixherselfup.
Sheworeabulkygraysweaterwithonlyafewlightstains,andblackleathermen'sshoes.She'dwashed
herface,butherneckandtempleswerestilldarkwithgrime.
Shewavedenthusiasticallywhenshesawme."It'smybabygirl!"shecalledout.Ikissedhercheek.
Momhaddumpedalltheplasticpacketsofsoysauceandducksauceandhotandspicymustardfrom
thetableintoherpurse.Nowsheemptiedawoodenbowlofdriednoodlesintoitaswell."Alittlesnack
forlateron,"sheexplained.
Weordered.MomchosetheSeafoodDelight."YouknowhowIlovemyseafood,"shesaid.
ShestartedtalkingaboutPicasso.She'dseenaretrospectiveofhisworkanddecidedhewashugely
overrated.Allthecubiststuffwasgimmicky,asfarasshewasconcerned.Hehadn'treallydone
anythingworthwhileafterhisRosePeriod.
"I'mworriedaboutyou,"Isaid."TellmewhatIcandotohelp."
Hersmilefaded."WhatmakesyouthinkIneedyourhelp?"
"I'mnotrich,"Isaid."ButIhavesomemoney.Tellmewhatitisyouneed."
Shethoughtforamoment."Icoulduseanelectrolysistreatment."
"Beserious."
"Iamserious.Ifawomanlooksgood,shefeelsgood."
"Comeon,Mom."Ifeltmyshoulderstighteningup,thewaytheyinvariablydidduringthese
conversations."I'mtalkingaboutsomethingthatcouldhelpyouchangeyourlife,makeitbetter."
"Youwanttohelpmechangemylife?"Momasked."I'mfine.You'retheonewhoneedshelp.Your
valuesareallconfused."
"Mom,IsawyoupickingthroughtrashintheEastVillageafewdaysago."
"Well,peopleinthiscountryaretoowasteful.It'smywayofrecycling."ShetookabiteofherSeafood
Delight."Whydidn'tyousayhello?"
"Iwastooashamed,Mom.Ihid."
Mompointedherchopsticksatme."Yousee?"shesaid."Rightthere.That'sexactlywhatI'msaying.
You'rewaytooeasilyembarrassed.YourfatherandIarewhoweare.Acceptit."
"AndwhatamIsupposedtotellpeopleaboutmyparents?"
"Justtellthetruth,"Momsaid."That'ssimpleenough."

II
THEDESERT

IWASONFIRE.
It'smyearliestmemory.Iwasthreeyearsold,andwewerelivinginatrailerparkinasouthernArizona
townwhosenameIneverknew.Iwasstandingonachairinfrontofthestove,wearingapinkdressmy
grandmotherhadboughtforme.Pinkwasmyfavoritecolor.Thedress'sskirtstuckoutlikeatutu,andI
likedtospinaroundinfrontofthemirror,thinkingIlookedlikeaballerina.Butatthatmoment,Iwas
wearingthedresstocookhotdogs,watchingthemswellandbobintheboilingwaterasthelate
morningsunlightfilteredinthroughthetrailer'ssmallkitchenettewindow.
IcouldhearMominthenextroomsingingwhilesheworkedononeofherpaintings.Juju,ourblack
mutt,waswatchingme.Istabbedoneofthehotdogswithaforkandbentoverandofferedittohim.
Thewienerwashot,soJujulickedatittentatively,butwhenIstoodupandstartedstirringthehotdogs
again,Ifeltablazeofheatonmyrightside.Iturnedtoseewhereitwascomingfromandrealizedmy
dresswasonfire.Frozenwithfear,Iwatchedtheyellowwhiteflamesmakearaggedbrownlineupthe
pinkfabricofmyskirtandclimbmystomach.Thentheflamesleapedup,reachingmyface.
Iscreamed.Ismelledtheburningandheardahorriblecracklingasthefiresingedmyhairand
eyelashes.Jujuwasbarking.Iscreamedagain.
Momranintotheroom.
"Mommy,helpme!"Ishrieked.Iwasstillstandingonthechair,swattingatthefirewiththeforkIhad
beenusingtostirthehotdogs.
MomranoutoftheroomandcamebackwithoneofthearmysurplusblanketsIhatedbecausethe
woolwassoscratchy.Shethrewtheblanketaroundmetosmothertheflames.Dadhadgoneoffinthe
car,soMomgrabbedmeandmyyoungerbrother,Brian,andhurriedovertothetrailernexttoours.
Thewomanwholivedtherewashangingherlaundryontheclothesline.Shehadclothespinsinher
mouth.Mom,inanunnaturallycalmvoice,explainedwhathadhappenedandaskedifwecouldplease
havearidetothehospital.Thewomandroppedherclothespinsandlaundryrightthereinthedirtand,
withoutsayinganything,ranforhercar.
***
Whenwegottothehospital,nursesputmeonastretcher.Theytalkedinloud,worriedwhisperswhile
theycutoffwhatwasleftofmyfancypinkdresswithapairofshinyscissors.Thentheypickedmeup,
laidmeflatonabigmetalbedpiledwithicecubes,andspreadsomeoftheiceovermybody.Adoctor
withsilverhairandblackrimmedglassesledmymotheroutoftheroom.Astheyleft,Iheardhim
tellingherthatitwasveryserious.Thenursesremainedbehind,hoveringoverme.IcouldtellIwas
causingabigfuss,andIstayedquiet.OneofthemsqueezedmyhandandtoldmeIwasgoingtobe
okay.

"Iknow,"Isaid,"butifI'mnot,that'sokay,too."
Thenursesqueezedmyhandagainandbitherlowerlip.
Theroomwassmallandwhite,withbrightlightsandmetalcabinets.Istaredforawhileattherowsof
tinydotsintheceilingpanels.Icecubescoveredmystomachandribsandpressedupagainstmy
cheeks.Outofthecornerofmyeye,Isawasmall,grimyhandreachupafewinchesfrommyfaceand
grabahandfulofcubes.Iheardaloudcrunchingsoundandlookeddown.ItwasBrian,eatingtheice.
***
ThedoctorssaidIwasluckytobealive.Theytookpatchesofskinfrommyupperthighandputthem
overthemostbadlyburnedpartsofmystomach,ribs,andchest.Theysaiditwascalledaskingraft.
Whentheywerefinished,theywrappedmyentirerightsideinbandages.
"Look,I'mahalfmummy,"Isaidtooneofthenurses.Shesmiledandputmyrightarminaslingand
attachedittotheheadboardsoIcouldn'tmoveit.
Thenursesanddoctorskeptaskingmequestions:Howdidyougetburned?Haveyourparentseverhurt
you?Whydoyouhaveallthesebruisesandcuts?Myparentsneverhurtme,Isaid.Igotthecutsand
bruisesplayingoutsideandtheburnsfromcookinghotdogs.TheyaskedwhatIwasdoingcookinghot
dogsbymyselfattheageofthree.Itwaseasy,Isaid.Youjustputthehotdogsinthewaterandboil
them.Itwasn'tliketherewassomecomplicatedrecipethatyouhadtobeoldenoughtofollow.Thepan
wastooheavyformetoliftwhenitwasfullofwater,soI'dputachairnexttothesink,climbupand
fillaglass,thenstandonachairbythestoveandpourthewaterintothepan.Ididthatoverandover
againuntilthepanheldenoughwater.ThenI'dturnonthestove,andwhenthewaterwasboiling,I'd
dropinthehotdogs."MomsaysI'mmatureformyage,"Itoldthem."andsheletsmecookformyself
alot."
Twonurseslookedateachother,andoneofthemwrotesomethingdownonaclipboard.Iaskedwhat
waswrong.Nothing,theysaid,nothing.
***
Everycoupleofdays,thenurseschangedthebandages.Theywouldputtheusedbandageofftothe
side,waddedandcoveredwithsmearsofbloodandyellowstuffandlittlepiecesofburnedskin.Then
they'dapplyanotherbandage,abiggauzycloth,totheburns.AtnightIwouldrunmylefthandover
therough,scabbysurfaceoftheskinthatwasn'tcoveredbythebandage.SometimesI'dpeeloffscabs.
Thenurseshadtoldmenotto,butIcouldn'tresistpullingonthemrealslowtoseehowbigascabI
couldgetloose.OnceIhadacoupleofthemfree,I'dpretendtheyweretalkingtoeachotherin
cheepingvoices.
Thehospitalwascleanandshiny.Everythingwaswhitethewallsandsheetsandnurses'uniforms
orsilverthebedsandtraysandmedicalinstruments.Everyonespokeinpolite,calmvoices.Itwasso
hushedyoucouldhearthenurses'rubbersoledshoessqueakingallthewaydownthehall.Iwasn'tused
toquietandorder,andIlikedit.
IalsolikeditthatIhadmyownroom,sinceinthetrailerIsharedonewithmybrotherandmysister.
Myhospitalroomevenhaditsveryowntelevisionsetuponthewall.Wedidn'thaveaTVathome,so

Iwatcheditalot.RedButtonsandLucilleBallweremyfavorites.
ThenursesanddoctorsalwaysaskedhowIwasfeelingandifIwashungryorneededanything.The
nursesbroughtmedeliciousmealsthreetimesaday,withfruitcocktailorJellOfordessert,and
changedthesheetseveniftheystilllookedclean.SometimesIreadtothem,andtheytoldmeIwas
verysmartandcouldreadaswellasasixyearold.
Onedayanursewithwavyyellowhairandblueeyemakeupwaschewingonsomething.Iaskedher
whatitwas,andshetoldmeitwaschewinggum.Ihadneverheardofchewinggum,soshewentout
andgotmeawholepack.Ipulledoutastick,tookoffthewhitepaperandtheshinysilverfoilunderit,
andstudiedthepowdery,puttycoloredgum.Iputitinmymouthandwasstunnedbythesharp
sweetness."It'sreallygood!"Isaid.
"Chewonit,butdon'tswallowit,"thenursesaidwithalaugh.Shesmiledrealbigandbroughtinother
nursessotheycouldwatchmechewmyfirsteverpieceofgum.Whenshebroughtmelunch,shetold
meIhadtotakeoutmychewinggum,butshesaidnottoworrybecauseIcouldhaveanewstickafter
eating.IfIfinishedthepack,shewouldbuymeanother.Thatwasthethingaboutthehospital.You
neverhadtoworryaboutrunningoutofstufflikefoodoriceorevenchewinggum.Iwouldhavebeen
happystayinginthathospitalforever.
***
Whenmyfamilycametovisit,theirarguingandlaughingandsingingandshoutingechoedthroughthe
quiethalls.Thenursesmadeshushingnoises,andMomandDadandLoriandBrianloweredtheir
voicesforafewminutes,thentheyslowlygrewloudagain.EveryonealwaysturnedandstaredatDad.I
couldn'tfigureoutwhetheritwasbecausehewassohandsomeorbecausehecalledpeople."pardner"
and."goomba"andthrewhisheadbackwhenhelaughed.
OnedayDadleanedovermybedandaskedifthenursesanddoctorsweretreatingmeokay.Ifthey
werenot,hesaid,hewouldkicksomeasses.ItoldDadhowniceandfriendlyeveryonewas."Well,of
coursetheyare,"hesaid."Theyknowyou'reRexWalls'sdaughter."
WhenMomwantedtoknowwhatitwasthedoctorsandnursesweredoingthatwassonice,Itoldher
aboutthechewinggum.
"Ugh,"shesaid.Shedisapprovedofchewinggum,shewenton.Itwasadisgustinglowclasshabit,and
thenurseshouldhaveconsultedherbeforeencouragingmeinsuchvulgarbehavior.Shesaidshewas
goingtogivethatwomanapieceofhermind,bygolly."Afterall,"Momsaid."Iamyourmother,andI
shouldhaveasayinhowyou'reraised."
***
"Doyouguysmissme?"Iaskedmyoldersister,Lori,duringonevisit.
"Notreally,"shesaid."Toomuchhasbeenhappening."
"Likewhat?"
"Justthenormalstuff."

"Lorimaynotmissyou,honeybunch,butIsuredo,"Dadsaid."Youshouldn'tbeinthisantiseptic
joint."
HesatdownonmybedandstartedtellingmethestoryaboutthetimeLorigotstungbyapoisonous
scorpion.I'dhearditadozentimes,butIstilllikedthewayDadtoldit.MomandDadwereout
exploringinthedesertwhenLori,whowasfour,turnedoverarockandthescorpionhidingunderit
stungherleg.Shehadgoneintoconvulsions,andherbodyhadbecomestiffandwetwithsweat.But
Daddidn'ttrusthospitals,sohetookhertoaNavajowitchdoctorwhocutopenthewoundandputa
darkbrownpasteonitandsaidsomechantsandprettysoonLoriwasasgoodasnew."Yourmother
shouldhavetakenyoutothatwitchdoctorthedayyougotburned,"Dadsaid,"nottotheseheadsup
theirassesmedschoolquacks."
***
Thenexttimetheyvisited,Brian'sheadwaswrappedinadirtywhitebandagewithdriedbloodstains.
Momsaidhehadfallenoffthebackofthecouchandcrackedhisheadopenonthefloor,butsheand
Dadhaddecidednottotakehimtothehospital.
"Therewasbloodeverywhere,"Momsaid."butonekidinthehospitalatatimeisenough."
"Besides,"Dadsaid,"Brian'sheadissohard,Ithinkthefloortookmoredamagethanhedid."
Brianthoughtthatwashilariousandjustlaughedandlaughed.
Momtoldmeshehadenteredmynameinaraffleatafair,andI'dwonahelicopterride.Iwasthrilled.
Ihadneverbeeninahelicopteroraplane.
"WhendoIgettogoontheride?"Iasked.
"Oh,wealreadydidthat,"Momsaid."Itwasfun."
ThenDadgotintoanargumentwiththedoctor.ItstartedbecauseDadthoughtIshouldn'tbewearing
bandages."Burnsneedtobreathe,"hetoldthedoctor.
Thedoctorsaidbandageswerenecessarytopreventinfection.Dadstaredatthedoctor."Tohellwith
infection,"hesaid.HetoldthedoctorthatIwasgoingtobescarredforlifebecauseofhim,but,by
God,Iwasn'ttheonlyonewhowasgoingtowalkoutoftherescarred.
Dadpulledbackhisfistasiftohitthedoctor,whoraisedhishandsandbackedaway.Beforeanything
couldhappen,aguardinauniformappearedandtoldMomandDadandLoriandBrianthatthey
wouldhavetoleave.
Afterward,anurseaskedmeifIwasokay."Ofcourse,"Isaid.ItoldherIdidn'tcareifIhadsomesilly
oldscar.Thatwasgood,shesaid,becausefromthelookofit,Ihadotherthingstoworryabout.
***
Afewdayslater,whenIhadbeenatthehospitalforaboutsixweeks,Dadappearedaloneinthe

doorwayofmyroom.Hetoldmeweweregoingtocheckout,RexWallsstyle.
"Areyousurethisisokay?"Iasked.
"Youjusttrustyouroldman,"Dadsaid.
Heunhookedmyrightarmfromtheslingovermyhead.Asheheldmeclose,Ibreathedinhisfamiliar
smellofVitalis,whiskey,andcigarettesmoke.Itremindedmeofhome.
Dadhurrieddownthehallwithmeinhisarms.Anurseyelledforustostop,butDadbrokeintoarun.
Hepushedopenanemergencyexitdoorandsprinteddownthestairsandouttothestreet.Ourcar,a
beatupPlymouthwecalledtheBlueGoose,wasparkedaroundthecorner,theengineidling.Momwas
upfront,LoriandBrianinthebackwithJuju.DadslidmeacrosstheseatnexttoMomandtookthe
wheel.
"Youdon'thavetoworryanymore,baby,"Dadsaid."You'resafenow."
AFEWDAYSAFTERMomandDadbroughtmehome,Icookedmyselfsomehotdogs.Iwas
hungry,Momwasatworkonapainting,andnooneelsewastheretofixthemforme.
"Goodforyou,"Momsaidwhenshesawmecooking."You'vegottogetrightbackinthesaddle.You
can'tliveinfearofsomethingasbasicasfire."
Ididn't.Instead,Ibecamefascinatedwithit.DadalsothoughtIshouldfacedownmyenemy,andhe
showedmehowtopassmyfingerthroughacandleflame.Ididitoverandover,slowingmyfingerwith
eachpass,watchingthewayitseemedtocuttheflameinhalf,testingtoseehowmuchmyfingercould
endurewithoutactuallygettingburned.Iwasalwaysonthelookoutforbiggerfires.Whenever
neighborsburnedtrash,Iranoverandwatchedtheblazetryingtoescapethegarbagecan.I'dinch
closerandcloser,feelingtheheatagainstmyfaceuntilIgotsonearthatitbecameunbearable,andthen
I'dbackawayjustenoughtobeabletostandit.
TheneighborladywhohaddrivenmetothehospitalwassurprisedthatIdidn'trunintheopposite
directionfromanyfireIsaw."Whythehellwouldshe?"Dadbellowedwithaproudgrin."Shealready
foughtthefireonceandwon."
IstartedstealingmatchesfromDad.I'dgobehindthetrailerandlightthem.Ilovedthescratching
soundofthematchagainstthesandpaperybrownstripwhenIstruckit,andthewaytheflameleaped
outoftheredcoatedtipwithapopandahiss.I'dfeelitsheatnearmyfingertips,thenwaveitout
triumphantly.Ilitpiecesofpaperandlittlepilesofbrushandheldmybreathuntilthemomentwhen
theyseemedabouttoblazeupoutofcontrol.ThenI'dstompontheflamesandcalloutthecursewords
Dadused,like."Dumbasssonofabitch!"and."Cocksucker!"
OnetimeIwentoutbackwithmyfavoritetoy,aplasticTinkerbellfigurine.Shewastwoinchestall,
withyellowhairpulledupinahighponytailandherhandsonherhipsinaconfident,cockywaythatI
admired.IlitamatchandhelditclosetoTinkerbell'sfacetoshowherhowitfelt.Shelookedeven

morebeautifulintheflame'sglow.Whenthatmatchwentout,Ilitanotherone,andthistimeIheldit
reallyclosetoTinkerbell'sface.Suddenly,hereyesgrewwide,asifwithfear;Irealized,tomyhorror,
thatherfacewasstartingtomelt.Iputoutthematch,butitwastoolate.Tinkerbell'sonceperfectlittle
nosehadcompletelydisappeared,andhersaucyredlipshadbeenreplacedwithanugly,lopsided
smear.Itriedtosmoothherfeaturesbacktothewaytheyhadbeen,butImadethemevenworse.
Almostimmediately,herfacecooledandhardenedagain.Iputbandagesonit.IwishedIcouldperform
askingraftonTinkerbell,butthatwouldhavemeantcuttingherintopieces.Eventhoughherfacewas
melted,shewasstillmyfavoritetoy.
DADCAMEHOMEINthemiddleofthenightafewmonthslaterandrousedallofusfrombed.
"Timetopullupstakesandleavethisshitholebehind,"hehollered.
Wehadfifteenminutestogatherwhateverweneededandpileintothecar.
"Iseverythingokay,Dad?"Iasked."Issomeoneafterus?"
"Don'tyouworry,"Dadsaid."Youleavethattome.Don'tIalwaystakecareofyou?"
"'Courseyoudo,"Isaid.
"That'smygirl!"Dadsaidwithahug,thenbarkedordersatusalltospeedthingsup.Hetookthe
essentialsabigblackcastironskilletandtheDutchoven,somearmysurplustinplates,afewknives,
hispistol,andMom'sarcherysetandpackedtheminthetrunkoftheBlueGoose.Hesaidwe
shouldn'ttakemuchelse,justwhatweneededtosurvive.Momhurriedouttotheyardandstarted
diggingholesbythelightofthemoon,lookingforourjarofcash.Shehadforgottenwhereshe'dburied
it.
AnhourpassedbeforewefinallytiedMom'spaintingsonthetopofthecar,shovedwhateverwouldfit
intothetrunk,andpiledtheoverflowonthebackseatandthecarfloor.DadsteeredtheBlueGoose
throughthedark,drivingslowlysoasnottoalertanyoneinthetrailerparkthatwewere,asDadliked
toputit,doingtheskedaddle.Hewasgrumblingthathecouldn'tunderstandwhythehellittookso
longtograbwhatweneededandhaulourassesintothecar.
"Dad!"Isaid."IforgotTinkerbell!"
"Tinkerbellcanmakeitonherown,"Dadsaid."She'slikemybravelittlegirl.Youarebraveandready
foradventure,right?"
"Iguess,"Isaid.IhopedwhoeverfoundTinkerbellwouldloveherdespitehermeltedface.Forcomfort,
ItriedtocradleQuixote,ourgrayandwhitecatwhowasmissinganear,buthegrowledandscratched
atmyface."Quiet,Quixote!"Isaid.
"Catsdon'tliketotravel,"Momexplained.

Anyonewhodidn'tliketotravelwasn'tinvitedonouradventure,Dadsaid.Hestoppedthecar,grabbed
Quixotebythescruffoftheneck,andtossedhimoutthewindow.Quixotelandedwithascreeching
meowandathud,Dadaccelerateduptheroad,andIburstintotears.
"Don'tbesosentimental,"Momsaid.Shetoldmewecouldalwaysgetanothercat,andnowQuixote
wasgoingtobeawildcat,whichwasmuchmorefunthanbeingahousecat.Brian,afraidthatDad
mighttossJujuoutthewindowaswell,heldthedogtight.
Todistractuskids,Momgotussingingsongslike."Don'tFenceMeIn"and."ThisLandIsYour
Land,"andDadledusinrousingrenditionsof."OldManRiver"andhisfavorite."SwingLow,Sweet
Chariot."Afterawhile,IforgotaboutQuixoteandTinkerbellandthefriendsI'dleftbehindinthe
trailerpark.Dadstartedtellingusaboutalltheexcitingthingsweweregoingtodoandhowwewere
goingtogetrichoncewereachedthenewplacewhereweweregoingtolive.
"Wherearewegoing,Dad?"Iasked.
"Whereverweendup,"hesaid.
***
Laterthatnight,Dadstoppedthecaroutinthemiddleofthedesert,andwesleptunderthestars.We
hadnopillows,butDadsaidthatwaspartofhisplan.Hewasteachingustohavegoodposture.The
Indiansdidn'tusepillows,either,heexplained,andlookhowstraighttheystood.Wedidhaveour
scratchyarmysurplusblankets,sowespreadthemoutandlaythere,lookingupatthefieldofstars.I
toldLorihowluckyweweretobesleepingoutundertheskylikeIndians.
"Wecouldlivelikethisforever,"Isaid.
"Ithinkwe'regoingto,"shesaid.
WEWEREALWAYSDOINGtheskedaddle,usuallyinthemiddleofthenight.Isometimesheard
MomandDaddiscussingthepeoplewhowereafterus.Dadcalledthemhenchmen,bloodsuckers,and
thegestapo.SometimeshewouldmakemysteriousreferencestoexecutivesfromStandardOilwho
weretryingtostealtheTexaslandthatMom'sfamilyowned,andFBIagentswhowereafterDadfor
somedarkepisodethathenevertoldusaboutbecausehedidn'twanttoputusindanger,too.
Dadwassosureaposseoffederalinvestigatorswasonourtrailthathesmokedhisunfilteredcigarettes
fromthewrongend.Thatway,heexplained,heburnedupthebrandname,andifthepeoplewhowere
trackinguslookedinhisashtray,they'dfindunidentifiablebuttsinsteadofPallMallsthatcouldbe
tracedtohim.Mom,however,toldusthattheFBIwasn'treallyafterDad;hejustlikedtosaytheywere
becauseitwasmorefunhavingtheFBIonyourtailthanbillcollectors.
Wemovedaroundlikenomads.WelivedindustylittleminingtownsinNevada,Arizona,and
California.Theywereusuallynothingbutatinyclusterofsad,sunkenshacks,agasstation,adry
goodsstore,andabarortwo.TheyhadnameslikeNeedlesandBouse,Pie,Goffs,andWhy,andthey
werenearplacesliketheSuperstitionMountains,thedriedupSodaLake,andtheOldWoman
Mountain.Themoredesolateandisolatedaplacewas,thebetterMomandDadlikedit.

Dadwouldgetajobasanelectricianorengineerinagypsumorcoppermine.Momlikedtosaythat
Dadcouldtalkabluestreak,spinningtalesofjobshe'dneverhadandcollegedegreeshe'dnever
earned.Hecouldgetaboutanyjobhewanted,hejustdidn'tlikekeepingitforlong.Sometimeshe
mademoneygamblingordoingoddjobs.Whenhegotboredorwasfiredortheunpaidbillspiledup
toohighorthelinemanfromtheelectricalcompanyfoundouthehadhotwiredourtrailertotheutility
polesortheFBIwasclosinginwepackedupinthemiddleofthenightandtookoff,drivinguntil
MomandDadfoundanothersmalltownthatcaughttheireye.Thenwe'dcirclearound,lookingfor
houseswithforrentsignsstuckinthefrontyard.
Everynowandthen,we'dgostaywithGrandmaSmith,Mom'smom,wholivedinabigwhitehousein
Phoenix.GrandmaSmithwasaWestTexasflapperwholoveddancingandcussingandhorses.Shewas
knownforbeingabletobreakthewildestbroncsandhadhelpedGrandparuntheranchupnearFish
CreekCanyon,Arizona,whichwaswestofBullheadCity,nottoofarfromtheGrandCanyon.Ithought
GrandmaSmithwasgreat.Butafterafewweeks,sheandDadwouldalwaysgetintosomenasty
holleringmatch.ItmightstartwithMommentioninghowshortwewereoncash.ThenGrandmawould
makeasnidecommentaboutDadbeingshiftless.Dadwouldsaysomethingaboutselfisholdcrones
withmoremoneythantheyknewwhattodowith,andsoonenoughthey'dbefacetofaceinwhat
amountedtoafullfledgedcussingcontest.
"Youfleabittendrunk!"Grandmawouldscream.
"Yougoddamnedflintfacedhag!"Dadwouldshoutback.
"Younogoodtwobitpudsuckingbastard!"
"Youscalycastratingbansheebitch!"
Dadhadthemoreinventivevocabulary,butGrandmaSmithcouldoutshouthim;plus,shehadthe
homecourtadvantage.AtimewouldcomewhenDadhadhadenoughandhe'dtelluskidstogetinthe
car.GrandmawouldyellatMomnottoletthatworthlesshorse'sasstakehergrandchildren.Mom
wouldshrugandsaytherewasnothingshecoulddoaboutit,hewasherhusband.Offwe'dgo,heading
outintothedesertinsearchofanotherhouseforrentinanotherlittleminingtown.
Someofthepeoplewholivedinthosetownshadbeenthereforyears.Otherswererootless,likeus
justpassingthrough.TheyweregamblersorexconsorwarveteransorwhatMomcalledloosewomen.
Therewereoldprospectors,theirfaceswrinkledandbrownfromthesun,likedriedupapples.Thekids
wereleanandhard,withcallusesontheirhandsandfeet.We'dmakefriendswiththem,butnotclose
friends,becauseweknewwe'dbemovingonsoonerorlater.
Wemightenrollinschool,butnotalways.MomandDaddidmostofourteaching.Momhadusall
readingbookswithoutpicturesbythetimewewerefive,andDadtaughtusmath.Healsotaughtusthe
thingsthatwerereallyimportantanduseful,likehowtotapoutMorsecodeandhowweshouldnever
eattheliverofapolarbearbecauseallthevitaminAinitcouldkillus.Heshowedushowtoaimand
firehispistol,howtoshootMom'sbowandarrows,andhowtothrowaknifebythebladesothatit
landedinthemiddleofatargetwithasatisfyingthwock.BythetimeIwasfour,Iwasprettygoodwith

Dad'spistol,abigblacksixshotrevolver,andcouldhitfiveoutofsixbeerbottlesatthirtypaces.I'd
holdthegunwithbothhands,sightdownthebarrel,andsqueezethetriggerslowlyandsmoothlyuntil,
withaloudclap,thegunkickedandthebottleexploded.Itwasfun.Dadsaidmysharpshootingwould
comeinhandyifthefedseversurroundedus.
Momhadgrownupinthedesert.Shelovedthedry,cracklingheat,thewaytheskyatsunsetlooked
likeasheetoffire,andtheoverwhelmingemptinessandseverityofallthatopenlandthathadonce
beenahugeoceanbed.Mostpeoplehadtroublesurvivinginthedesert,butMomthrivedthere.She
knewhowtogetbyonnexttonothing.Sheshoweduswhichplantswereedibleandwhichweretoxic.
Shewasabletofindwaterwhennooneelsecould,andsheknewhowlittleofityoureallyneeded.She
taughtusthatyoucouldwashyourselfupprettycleanwithjustacupofwater.Shesaiditwasgoodfor
youtodrinkunpurifiedwater,evenditchwater,aslongasanimalsweredrinkingfromit.Chlorinated
citywaterwasfornambypambies,shesaid.Waterfromthewildhelpedbuildupyourantibodies.She
alsothoughttoothpastewasfornambypambies.Atbedtimewe'dshakealittlebakingsodaintothe
palmofonehand,mixinadashofhydrogenperoxide,thenuseourfingerstocleanourteethwiththe
fizzingpaste.
Ilovedthedesert,too.Whenthesunwasinthesky,thesandwouldbesohotthatitwouldburnyour
feetifyouwerethekindofkidwhoworeshoes,butsincewealwayswentbarefoot,oursoleswereas
toughandthickascowhide.We'dcatchscorpionsandsnakesandhornytoads.We'dsearchforgold,
andwhenwecouldn'tfindit,we'dcollectothervaluablerocks,liketurquoiseandgarnets.There'dbea
coolspellcomesundown,whenthemosquitoeswouldflyinsothickthattheairwouldgrowdarkwith
them,thenatnightfall,itturnedsocoldthatweusuallyneededblankets.
Therewerefiercesandstorms.Sometimestheyhitwithoutwarning,andothertimesyouknewonewas
comingwhenyousawbatchesofdustdevilsswirlinganddancingtheirwayacrossthedesert.Oncethe
windstartedwhippingupthesand,youcouldonlyseeafootinfrontofyourface.Ifyoucouldn'tfinda
houseoracarorashedtohideinwhenthesandstormstarted,youhadtosquatdownandcloseyour
eyesandmouthrealtightandcoveryourearsandburyyourfaceinyourlapuntilitpassed,orelseyour
bodycavitieswouldfillwithsand.Abigtumbleweedmighthityou,buttheywerelightandbouncyand
didn'thurt.Ifthesandstormwasreallystrong,itknockedyouover,andyourolledaroundlikeyouwere
atumbleweed.
Whentherainsfinallycame,theskiesdarkenedandtheairbecameheavy.Raindropsthesizeof
marblescamepeltingoutofthesky.Someparentsworriedthattheirkidsmightgethitbylightning,but
MomandDadneverdid,andtheyletusgooutandplayinthewarm,drivingwater.Wesplashedand
sanganddanced.Greatboltsoflightningcrackedfromthelowhangingclouds,andthundershookthe
ground.Wegaspedoverthemostspectacularbolts,asifwewereallwatchingafireworksshow.After
thestorm,Dadtookustothearroyos,andwewatchedtheflashfloodscomeroaringthrough.Thenext
daythesaguarosandpricklypearswerefatfromdrinkingasmuchastheycould,becausetheyknewit
mightbealong,longtimeuntilthenextrain.
Weweresortoflikethecactus.Weateirregularly,andwhenwedid,we'dgorgeourselves.Oncewhen
wewerelivinginNevada,atrainfullofcantaloupesheadingeastjumpedthetrack.Ihadnevereatena
cantaloupebefore,butDadbroughthomecratesandcratesofthem.Wehadfreshcantaloupe,stewed
cantaloupe,evenfriedcantaloupe.OnetimeinCalifornia,thegrapepickerswentonstrike.The

vineyardownersletpeoplecomepicktheirowngrapesforanickelapound.Wedroveaboutahundred
milestothevineyards,wherethegrapesweresoripetheywereabouttoburstonthevineinbunches
biggerthanmyhead.Wefilledourentirecarfullofgreengrapesthetrunk,eventheglove
compartment,andDadpiledstacksinourlapssohighwecouldbarelyseeoverthetop.Forweeks
afterward,weategreengrapesforbreakfast,lunch,anddinner.
***
Allthisrunningaroundandmovingwastemporary,Dadexplained.Hehadaplan.Hewasgoingto
findgold.
EverybodysaidDadwasagenius.Hecouldbuildorfixanything.Onetimewhenaneighbor'sTVset
broke,Dadopenedthebackandusedamacaroninoodletoinsulatesomecrossedwires.Theneighbor
couldn'tgetoverit.HewentaroundtellingeveryoneintownthatDadsureknewhowtousehisnoodle.
Dadwasanexpertinmathandphysicsandelectricity.Hereadbooksoncalculusandlogarithmic
algebraandlovedwhathecalledthepoetryandsymmetryofmath.Hetoldusaboutthemagicqualities
everynumberhasandhownumbersunlockthesecretsoftheuniverse.ButDad'smaininterestwas
energy:thermalenergy,nuclearenergy,solarenergy,electricalenergy,andenergyfromthewind.He
saidthereweresomanyuntappedsourcesofenergyintheworldthatitwasridiculoustobeburningall
thatfossilfuel.
Dadwasalwaysinventingthings,too.Oneofhismostimportantinventionswasacomplicated
contraptionhecalledtheProspector.Itwasgoingtohelpusfindgold.TheProspectorhadabigflat
surfaceaboutfourfeethighandsixfeetwide,anditroseupintheairatanangle.Thesurfacewas
coveredwithhorizontalstripsofwoodseparatedbygaps.TheProspectorwouldscoopupdirtand
rocksandsiftthemthroughthemazeofwoodenstrips.Itcouldfigureoutwhetherarockwasgoldby
theweight.Itwouldthrowouttheworthlessstuffanddepositthegoldnuggetsinapile,sowhenever
weneededgroceries,wecouldgooutbackandgrabourselvesanugget.Atleastthatwaswhatitwould
beabletodoonceDadfinishedbuildingit.
DadletBrianandmehelphimworkontheProspector.We'dgooutbehindthehouse,andI'dholdthe
nailswhileDadhitthem.Sometimesheletmestartthenails,andthenhe'ddrivetheminwithonehard
blowfromthehammer.Theairwouldbefilledwithsawdustandthesmelloffreshlycutwood,andthe
soundofhammeringandwhistling,becauseDadalwayswhistledwhileheworked.
Inmymind,Dadwasperfect,althoughhedidhavewhatMomcalledalittlebitofadrinkingsituation.
TherewaswhatMomcalledDad's."beerphase."Wecouldallhandlethat.Daddrovefastandsang
reallyloud,andlocksofhishairfellintohisfaceandlifewasalittlebitscarybutstillalotoffun.But
whenDadpulledoutabottleofwhatMomcalled."thehardstuff,"shegotkindoffrantic,because
afterworkingonthebottleforawhile,Dadturnedintoanangryeyedstrangerwhothrewaround
furnitureandthreatenedtobeatupMomoranyoneelsewhogotinhisway.Whenhe'dhadhisfillof
cussingandholleringandsmashingthingsup,he'dcollapse.ButDaddrankhardliquoronlywhenwe
hadmoney,whichwasn'toften,solifewasmostlygoodinthosedays.
EverynightwhenLori,Brian,andIwereabouttogotosleep,Dadtoldusbedtimestories.Theywere
alwaysabouthim.We'dbetuckedinourbedsorlyingunderblanketsinthedesert,theworlddark
exceptfortheorangeglowfromhiscigarette.Whenhetookalongdraw,itlitupjustenoughforusto
seehisface.

"Tellusastoryaboutyourself,Dad!"we'dbeghim.
"Awww.Youdon'twanttohearanotherstoryaboutme,"he'dsay.
"Yes,wedo!Wedo!"we'dinsist.
"Well,okay,"he'dsay.He'dpauseandchuckleatsomememory."There'smanyadamnedfoolhardy
thingthatyouroldmanhasdone,butthisonewasharebrainedevenforacrazysonofabitchlikeRex
Walls."
Andthenhe'dtellusabouthow,whenhewasintheairforceandhisplane'sengineconkedout,he
madeanemergencylandinginacattlepastureandsavedhimselfandhiscrew.Oraboutthetimehe
wrestledapackofwilddogsthathadsurroundedalamemustang.Thentherewasthetimehefixeda
brokensluicegateontheHooverDamandsavedthelivesofthousandsofpeoplewhowouldhave
drownedifthedamhadburst.TherewasalsothetimehewentAWOLintheairforcetogetsomebeer,
andwhilehewasatthebar,hecaughtalunaticwhowasplanningtoblowuptheairbase,whichwent
toshowthatoccasionally,itpaidtobreaktherules.
Dadwasadramaticstoryteller.Healwaysstartedoutslow,withlotsofpauses."Goon!Whathappened
next?"we'dask,evenifwe'dalreadyheardthatstorybefore.MomgiggledorrolledhereyeswhenDad
toldhisstories,andheglaredather.Ifsomeoneinterruptedhisstorytelling,hegotmad,andwehadto
beghimtocontinueandpromisethatnoonewouldinterruptagain.
Dadalwaysfoughtharder,flewfaster,andgambledsmarterthaneveryoneelseinhisstories.Alongthe
way,herescuedwomenandchildrenandevenmenwhoweren'tasstrongandclever.Dadtaughtusthe
secretsofhisheroicsheshowedushowtostraddleawilddogandbreakhisneck,andwheretohita
maninthethroatsoyoucouldkillhimwithonepowerfuljab.Butheassuredusthataslongashewas
around,wewouldn'thavetodefendourselves,because,byGod,anyonewhosomuchaslaidafingeron
anyofRexWalls'schildrenwasgoingtogettheirbuttskickedsohardthatyoucouldreadDad'sshoe
sizeontheirasscheeks.
WhenDadwasn'ttellingusaboutalltheamazingthingshehadalreadydone,hewastellingusabout
thewondrousthingshewasgoingtodo.LikebuildtheGlassCastle.AllofDad'sengineeringskills
andmathematicalgeniuswerecomingtogetherinonespecialproject:agreatbighousehewasgoingto
buildforusinthedesert.Itwouldhaveaglassceilingandthickglasswallsandevenaglassstaircase.
TheGlassCastlewouldhavesolarcellsonthetopthatwouldcatchthesun'sraysandconverttheminto
electricityforheatingandcoolingandrunningalltheappliances.Itwouldevenhaveitsownwater
purificationsystem.Dadhadworkedoutthearchitectureandthefloorplansandmostofthe
mathematicalcalculations.HecarriedaroundtheblueprintsfortheGlassCastlewhereverwewent,and
sometimeshe'dpullthemoutandletusworkonthedesignforourrooms.
Allwehadtodowasfindgold,Dadsaid,andwewereonthevergeofthat.Oncehefinishedthe
Prospectorandwestruckitrich,he'dstartworkonourGlassCastle.

ASMUCHASDADlikedtotellstoriesabouthimself,itwasalmostimpossibletogethimtotalk
abouthisparentsorwherehewasborn.WeknewhecamefromatowncalledWelch,inWestVirginia,
wherealotofcoalwasmined,andthathisfatherhadworkedasaclerkfortherailroad,sittingevery
dayinalittlestationhouse,writingmessagesonpiecesofpaperthathehelduponastickforthe
passingtrainengineers.Dadhadnointerestinalifelikethat,soheleftWelchwhenhewasseventeen
tojointheairforceandbecomeapilot.
Oneofhisfavoritestories,whichhemusthavetoldusahundredtimes,wasabouthowhemetandfell
inlovewithMom.Dadwasintheairforce,andMomwasintheUSO,butwhentheymet,shewason
leavevisitingherparentsattheircattleranchnearFishCreekCanyon.
Dadandsomeofhisairforcebuddieswereonacliffofthecanyon,tryingtoworkupthenervetodive
intothelakefortyfeetbelow,whenMomandafrienddroveup.Momwaswearingawhitebathingsuit
thatshowedoffherfigureandherskin,whichwasdarkfromtheArizonasun.Shehadlightbrownhair
thatturnedblondinthesummer,andsheneverworeanymakeupexceptdeepredlipstick.Shelooked
justlikeamoviestar,Dadalwayssaid,buthell,he'dmetlotsofbeautifulwomenbefore,andnoneof
themhadevermadehimweakintheknees.Momwasdifferent.Hesawrightawaythatshehadtrue
spirit.Hefellinlovewithherthesplitsecondhelaideyesonher.
Momwalkeduptotheairforcemenandtoldthemthatdivingoffthecliffwasnobigdeal,she'dbeen
doingitsinceshewaslittle.Themendidn'tbelieveher,soMomwentrighttotheedgeofthecliffand
didaperfectswandiveintothewaterbelow.
Dadjumpedinafterher.Nowayinhell,he'dsay,washelettingafinebroadlikethatgetawayfrom
him.
"Whatkindofdivedidyoudo,Dad?"Iaskedwheneverhetoldthestory.
"Aparachutedive.Withoutaparachute,"healwaysanswered.
DadswamafterMom,andrightthereinthewater,hetoldherhewasgoingtomarryher.Twentythree
menhadalreadyproposedtoher,MomtoldDad,andshehadturnedthemalldown."Whatmakesyou
thinkI'dacceptyourproposal?"sheasked.
"Ididn'tproposetoyou,"Dadsaid."ItoldyouIwasgoingtomarryyou."
Sixmonthslater,theygotmarried.IalwaysthoughtitwasthemostromanticstoryI'deverheard,but
Momdidn'tlikeit.Shedidn'tthinkitwasromanticatall.
"Ihadtosayyes,"Momsaid."Yourfatherwouldn'ttakenoforananswer."Besides,sheexplained,she
hadtogetawayfromhermother,whowouldn'tlethermakeeventhesmallestdecisiononherown."I
hadnoideayourfatherwouldbeevenworse."
Dadlefttheairforceafterhegotmarriedbecausehewantedtomakeafortuneforhisfamily,andyou
couldn'tdothatinthemilitary.Inafewmonths,Momwaspregnant.WhenLoricameout,shewas
muteandbaldasaneggforthefirstthreeyearsofherlife.Thensuddenly,shesproutedcurlyhairthe

colorofanewpennyandstartedspeakingnonstop.Butitsoundedlikegibberish,andeveryonethought
shewasaddledexceptforMom,whounderstoodherperfectlyandsaidshehadanexcellentvocabulary.
AyearafterLoriwasborn,MomandDadhadaseconddaughter,MaryCharlene,whohadcoalblack
hairandchocolatebrowneyes,justlikeDad.ButMaryCharlenediedonenightwhenshewasnine
monthsold.Cribdeath,Momalwayssaid.Twoyearslater,Iwasborn."YouweretoreplaceMary
Charlene,"Momsaid.ShetoldmethatshehadorderedupasecondredheadedgirlsoLoriwouldn't
feellikeshewasweird."Youweresuchaskinnybaby,"Momusedtotellme."Thelongest,boniest
thingthenurseshadeverseen."
BrianarrivedwhenIwasone.Hewasabluebaby,Momsaid.Whenhewasborn,hecouldn'tbreathe
andcameintothisworldhavingaseizure.WheneverMomtoldthestory,shewouldholdherarmsrigid
andclenchherteethandgobugeyedtoshowhowBrianlooked.Momsaidwhenshesawhimlikethat,
shethought,Uhoh,lookslikethisone'sagoner,too.ButBrianlived.Forthefirstyearofhislife,he
kepthavingthoseseizures,thenonedaytheyjuststopped.Heturnedintoatoughlittleguywhonever
whinedorcried,eventhetimeIaccidentallypushedhimoffthetopbunkandhebrokehisnose.
Momalwayssaidpeopleworriedtoomuchabouttheirchildren.Sufferingwhenyou'reyoungisgood
foryou,shesaid.Itimmunizedyourbodyandyoursoul,andthatwaswhysheignoreduskidswhenwe
cried.Fussingoverchildrenwhocryonlyencouragesthem,shetoldus.That'spositivereinforcement
fornegativebehavior.
MomneverseemedupsetaboutMaryCharlene'sdeath."GodknowswhatHe'sdoing,"shesaid."He
gavemesomeperfectchildren,butHealsogavemeonethatwasn'tsoperfect,soHesaid,'Oops,I
bettertakethisoneback.'"Dad,however,wouldn'ttalkaboutMaryCharlene.Ifhernamecameup,his
facegrewstonyandhe'dleavetheroom.Hewastheonewhofoundherbodyinthecrib,andMom
couldn'tbelievehowmuchitshookhimup."Whenhefoundher,hestoodtherelikehewasinshockor
something,cradlingherstifflittlebodyinhisarms,andthenhescreamedlikeawoundedanimal,"she
toldus."Ineverheardsuchahorriblesound."
MomsaidDadwasneverthesameafterMaryCharlenedied.Hestartedhavingdarkmoods,staying
outlateandcominghomedrunk,andlosingjobs.OnedaysoonafterBrianwasborn,wewereshorton
cash,soDadpawnedMom'sbigdiamondweddingring,whichhermotherhadpaidfor,andthatupset
Mom.Afterthat,wheneverMomandDadgotinafight,Mombroughtupthering,andDadtoldherto
quitherdamnbellyaching.He'dsayhewasgoingtogetheraringevenfancierthantheonehepawned.
Thatwaswhywehadtofindgold.TogetMomanewweddingring.Thatandsowecouldbuildthe
GlassCastle.
"DOYOULIKEALWAYSmovingaround?"Loriaskedme.
"OfcourseIdo!"Isaid."Don'tyou?"
"Sure,"shesaid.
Itwaslateafternoon,andwewereparkedoutsideofabarintheNevadadesert.ItwascalledtheBar

NoneBar.IwasfourandLoriwasseven.WewereonourwaytoLasVegas.Dadhaddecideditwould
beeasier,asheputit,toaccumulatethecapitalnecessarytofinancetheProspectorifhehitthecasinos
forawhile.We'dbeendrivingforhourswhenhesawtheBarNoneBar,pulledovertheGreenCaboose
theBlueGoosehaddied,andwenowhadanothercar,astationwagonDadhadnamedtheGreen
Cabooseandannouncedthathewasgoinginsideforaquicknip.Momputonsomeredlipstickand
joinedhim,eventhoughshedidn'tdrinkanythingstrongerthantea.Theyhadbeeninsideforhours.
Thesunhunghighinthesky,andtherewasnottheslightesthintofabreeze.Nothingmovedexcept
somebuzzardsonthesideoftheroad,peckingoveranunrecognizablecarcass.Brianwasreadinga
dogearedcomicbook.
"Howmanyplaceshavewelived?"IaskedLori.
"Thatdependsonwhatyoumeanby'lived,'"shesaid."Ifyouspendonenightinsometown,didyou
livethere?Whatabouttwonights?Orawholeweek?"
Ithought."Ifyouunpackallyourthings,"Isaid.
Wecountedelevenplaceswehadlived,thenwelosttrack.Wecouldn'trememberthenamesofsomeof
thetownsorwhatthehouseswehadlivedinlookedlike.Mostly,Irememberedtheinsideofcars.
"Whatdoyouthinkwouldhappenifweweren'talwaysmovingaround?"Iasked.
"We'dgetcaught,"Lorisaid.
***
WhenMomandDadcameoutoftheBarNoneBar,theybroughtuseachalongpieceofbeefjerkyand
acandybar.Iatethejerkyfirst,andbythetimeIunwrappedmyMoundsbar,ithadmeltedintoa
brown,gooeymess,soIdecidedtosaveituntilnight,whenthedesertcoldwouldhardenitupagain.
BythenwehadpassedthroughthesmalltownbeyondtheBarNoneBar.Dadwasdrivingandsmoking
withonehandandholdingabrownbottleofbeerwiththeother.Loriwasinthefrontseatbetweenhim
andMom,andBrian,whowasinbackwithme,wastryingtotrademehalfofhis3Musketeersforhalf
ofmyMounds.Justthenwetookasharpturnoversomerailroadtracks,thedoorflewopen,andI
tumbledoutofthecar.
Irolledseveralyardsalongtheembankment,andwhenIcametoastop,Iwastooshockedtocry,with
mybreathknockedoutandgritandpebblesinmyeyesandmouth.Iliftedmyheadintimetowatchthe
GreenCaboosegetsmallerandsmallerandthendisappeararoundabend.
Bloodwasrunningdownmyforeheadandflowingoutofmynose.Mykneesandelbowswerescraped
rawandcoveredwithsand.IwasstillholdingtheMoundsbar,butIhadsmasheditduringthefall,
tearingthewrapperandsqueezingoutthewhitecoconutfilling,whichwasalsocoveredwithgrit.
OnceIgotmybreathback,Icrawledalongtherailroadembankmenttotheroadandsatdowntowait
forMomandDadtocomeback.Mywholebodyfeltsore.Thesunwassmallandwhiteandbroiling
hot.Awindhadcomeup,anditwasroilingthedustalongtheroadside.Iwaitedforwhatseemedlikea
longtimebeforeIdecideditwaspossibleMomandDadmightnotcomebackforme.Theymightnot

noticeIwasmissing.Theymightdecidethatitwasn'tworththedrivebacktoretrieveme;that,like
Quixotethecat,Iwasabotherandaburdentheycoulddowithout.
Thelittletownbehindmewasquiet,andtherewerenoothercarsontheroad.Istartedcrying,butthat
onlymademefeelmoresore.Igotupandbegantowalkbacktowardthehouses,andthenIdecided
thatifMomandDaddidcomeforme,theywouldn'tbeabletofindme,soIreturnedtotherailroad
tracksandsatdownagain.
IwasscrapingthedriedbloodoffmylegswhenIlookedupandsawtheGreenCaboosecomeback
aroundthebend.Ithurtleduptheroadtowardme,gettingbiggerandbigger,untilitscreechedtoahalt
rightinfrontofme.Dadgotoutofthecar,kneltdown,andtriedtogivemeahug.
Ipulledawayfromhim."Ithoughtyouweregoingtoleavemebehind,"Isaid.
"Aww,I'dneverdothat,"hesaid."Yourbrotherwastryingtotellusthatyou'dfallenout,buthewas
blubberingsodamnedhardwecouldn'tunderstandawordhewassaying."
Dadstartedpullingthepebblesoutofmyface.Somewereburieddeepinmyskin,sohereachedinto
theglovecompartmentforapairofneedlenosedpliers.Whenhe'dpluckedallthepebblesfrommy
cheeksandforehead,hetookouthishandkerchiefandtriedtostopmynosefrombleeding.Itwas
drippinglikeabrokenfaucet."Damn,honey,"hesaid."Youbustedyoursnotlockerprettygood."
Istartedlaughingreallyhard."Snotlocker"wasthefunniestnameI'deverheardforanose.AfterDad
cleanedmeupandIgotbackinthecar,ItoldBrianandLoriandMomabouttheword,andtheyall
startedlaughingashardasme.Snotlocker.Itwashilarious.
WELIVEDINLASVEGASforaboutamonth,inamotelroomwithdarkredwallsandtwonarrow
beds.Wethreekidssleptinone,MomandDadintheother.Duringtheday,wewenttothecasinos,
whereDadsaidhehadasurefiresystemforbeatingthehouse.BrianandIplayedhideandseek
amongtheclickingslotmachines,checkingthetraysforoverlookedquarters,whileDadwaswinning
moneyattheblackjacktable.I'dstareatthelongleggedshowgirlswhentheysashayedacrossthe
casinofloor,withhugefeathersontheirheadsandbehinds,sequinssparklingontheirbodies,and
glitteraroundtheireyes.WhenItriedtoimitatetheirwalk,BriansaidIlookedlikeanostrich.
Attheendoftheday,Dadcametogetus,hispocketsfullofmoney.Heboughtuscowboyhatsand
fringedvests,andweatechickenfriedsteaksinrestaurantswithicecoldairconditioninganda
miniaturejukeboxateachtable.OnenightwhenDadhadmadeanespeciallybigscore,hesaiditwas
timetostartlivinglikethehighrollerswehadbecome.Hetookustoarestaurantwithswingingdoors
likeasaloon.Inside,thewallsweredecoratedwithrealprospectingtools.Amanwithgartersonhis
armsplayedapiano,andawomanwithglovesthatcameuppastherelbowskepthurryingovertolight
Dad'scigarettes.
Dadtolduswewerehavingsomethingspecialfordessertaflamingicecreamcake.Thewaiter
wheeledoutatraywiththecakeonit,andthewomanwiththegloveslititwithataper.Everyone
stoppedeatingtowatch.Theflameshadaslow,waterymovement,rollingupintotheairlikeribbons.

Everyonestartedclapping,andDadjumpedupandraisedthewaiter'shandabovehisheadasifhe'd
wonfirstprize.
Afewdayslater,MomandDadwentofftotheblackjacktableandthenalmostimmediatelycame
lookingforus.Dadsaidoneofthedealershadfiguredoutthathehadasystemandhadputtheword
outonhim.Hetoldusitwastimetodotheskedaddle.
***
WehadtogetfarawayfromLasVegas,Dadsaid,becausetheMafia,whichownedthecasinos,was
afterhim.Weheadedwest,throughdesertandthenmountains.Momsaidweshouldalllivenearthe
PacificOceanatleastonceinourlives,sowekeptgoingallthewaytoSanFrancisco.
Momdidn'twantusstayinginoneofthosetouristtraphotelsnearFisherman'sWharf,whichshesaid
wereinauthenticandcutofffromthereallifeofthecity,sowefoundonethathadalotmorecharacter,
inaplacecalledtheTenderloinDistrict.Sailorsandwomenwithlotsofmakeupstayedthere,too.Dad
calleditaflophouse,butMomsaiditwasanSRO,andwhenIaskedwhatthatstoodfor,shetoldme
thehotelwasforspecialresidentsonly.
WhileMomandDadwentoutlookingforinvestmentmoneyfortheProspector,wekidsplayedinthe
hotel.OnedayIfoundahalffullboxofmatches.Iwasthrilled,becauseImuchpreferredthewooden
matchesthatcameinboxesovertheflimsyonesinthecardboardbooks.Itookthemupstairsand
lockedmyselfinthebathroom.Ipulledoffsometoiletpaper,litit,andwhenitstartedburning,Ithrew
itdownthetoilet.Iwastorturingthefire,givingitlife,andsnuffingitout.ThenIgotabetteridea.I
madeapileoftoiletpaperinthetoilet,litit,andwhenitstartedburning,theflameshootingsilentlyup
outofthebowl,Iflusheditdownthetoilet.
Onenightafewdayslater,Isuddenlywokeup.Theairwashotandstifling.Ismelledsmokeandthen
sawflamesleapingattheopenwindow.AtfirstIcouldn'ttellifthefirewasinsideoroutside,butthenI
sawthatoneofthecurtains,onlyafewfeetfromthebed,wasablaze.
MomandDadwerenotintheroom,andLoriandBrianwerestillasleep.Itriedtoscreamtowarn
them,butnothingcameoutofmythroat.Iwantedtoreachoverandshakethemawake,butIcouldn't
move.Thefirewasgrowingbigger,stronger,andangrier.
Justthenthedoorburstopen.Someonewascallingournames.ItwasDad.LoriandBrianwokeupand
rantohim,coughingfromthesmoke.Istillcouldn'tmove.Iwatchedthefire,expectingthatatany
momentmyblanketwouldburstintoflames.Dadwrappedtheblanketaroundmeandpickedmeup,
thenrandownthestairs,leadingLoriandBrianwithonearmandholdingmeintheother.
Dadtookuskidsacrossthestreettoabar,thenwentbacktohelpfightthefire.Awaitresswithred
fingernailsandblueblackhairaskedifwewantedaCocaColaor,heck,evenabeer,becausewe'd
beenthroughalotthatnight.BrianandLorisaidyes,please,toCokes.IaskedifImightpleasehavea
ShirleyTemple,whichwaswhatDadboughtmewheneverhetookmetoabar.Forsomereason,the
waitresslaughed.
Thepeopleatthebarkeptmakingjokesaboutwomenrunningnakedoutoftheburninghotel.AllIhad
onwasmyunderwear,soIkepttheblanketwrappedtightlyaroundme.AfterIdrankmyShirley

Temple,Itriedtogobackacrossthestreettowatchthefire,butthewaitresskeptmeatthebar,soI
climbeduponastooltowatchthroughthewindow.Thefiretruckshadarrived.Therewereflashing
lightsandmeninblackrubbercoatsholdingcanvashoseswithbigjetsofwatercomingoutofthem.
Iwonderedifthefirehadbeenouttogetme.Iwonderedifallfirewasrelated,likeDadsaidall
humanswererelated,ifthefirethathadburnedmethatdaywhileIcookedhotdogswassomehow
connectedtothefireIhadflusheddownthetoiletandthefireburningatthehotel.Ididn'thavethe
answerstothosequestions,butwhatIdidknowwasthatIlivedinaworldthatatanymomentcould
eruptintofire.Itwasthesortofknowledgethatkeptyouonyourtoes.
***
Afterthehotelburneddown,welivedforafewdaysonthebeach.Whenweputdownthebackseatof
theGreenCaboose,therewasroomforeveryonetosleep,thoughsometimessomeone'sfeetwouldbe
stickinginmyface.Onenightapolicemantappedonourwindowandsaidwehadtoleave;itwas
illegaltosleeponthebeach.Hewasniceandkeptcallingus."folks"andevendrewusamaptoaplace
wherewecouldsleepwithoutgettingarrested.
Butafterheleft,Dadcalledhimthegoddamngestapoandsaidthatpeoplelikethatgottheirjollies
pushingpeoplelikeusaround.Dadwasfedupwithcivilization.HeandMomdecidedweshouldmove
backtothedesertandresumeourhuntforgoldwithoutourstartermoney."Thesecitieswillkillyou,"
hesaid.
AFTERWEPULLEDUPstakesinSanFrancisco,weheadedfortheMojaveDesert.NeartheEagle
Mountains,MommadeDadstopthecar.She'dseenatreeonthesideoftheroadthathadcaughther
fancy.
Itwasn'tjustanytree.ItwasanancientJoshuatree.Itstoodinacreaseoflandwherethedesertended
andthemountainbegan,formingawindtunnel.FromthetimetheJoshuatreewasatinysapling,ithad
beensobeatendownbythewhippingwindthat,ratherthantryingtogrowskyward,ithadgrowninthe
directionthatthewindpushedit.Itexistednowinapermanentstateofwindblownness,leaningoverso
farthatitseemedreadytotopple,although,infact,itsrootshelditfirmlyinplace.
IthoughttheJoshuatreewasugly.Itlookedscragglyandfreakish,permanentlystuckinitstwisted,
torturedposition,anditmademethinkofhowsomeadultstellyounottomakeweirdfacesbecause
yourfeaturescouldfreeze.Mom,however,thoughtitwasoneofthemostbeautifultreesshehadever
seen.Shetoldusshehadtopaintit.Whileshewassettingouthereasel,Daddroveuptheroadtosee
whatwasahead.Hefoundascatteringofparchedlittlehouses,trailerssettlingintothesand,and
shackswithrustytinroofs.ItwascalledMidland.Oneofthelittlehouseshadaforrentsign."What
thehell,"Dadsaid,"thisplaceisasgoodasanyother."
***
Thehousewerentedhadbeenbuiltbyaminingcompany.Itwaswhite,withtworoomsanda
swaybackedroof.Therewerenotrees,andthedesertsandranrightuptothebackdoor.Atnightyou
couldhearcoyoteshowling.
WhenwefirstgottoMidland,thosecoyoteskeptmeawake,andasIlayinbed,I'dhearothersounds

Gilamonstersrustlingintheunderbrush,mothsknockingagainstthescreens,andthecreosote
cracklinginthewind.OnenightwhenthelightswereoutandIcouldseeasliverofmoonthroughthe
window,Iheardaslitheringnoiseonthefloor.
"Ithinkthere'ssomethingunderourbed,"IsaidtoLori.
"It'smerelyafigmentofyouroverlyactiveimagination,"Lorisaid.Shetalkedlikeagrownupwhen
shewasannoyed.
Itriedtobebrave,butIhadheardsomething.Inthemoonlight,IthoughtIsawitmove.
"Something'sthere,"Iwhispered.
"Gotosleep,"Lorisaid.
Holdingmypillowovermyheadforprotection,Iranintothelivingroom,whereDadwasreading.
"What'sup,MountainGoat?"heasked.HecalledmethatbecauseIneverfelldownwhenwewere
climbingmountainssurefootedasamountaingoat,he'dalwayssay.
"Nothing,probably,"Isaid."IjustthinkmaybeIsawsomethinginthebedroom."Dadraisedhis
eyebrows."Butitwasprobablyjustafigmentofmyoverlyactiveimagination."
"Didyougetagoodlookatit?"heasked.
"Notreally."
"Youmusthaveseenit.Wasitabigoldhairysonofabitchwiththedamnedestlookingteethand
claws?"
"That'sit!"
"Anddidithavepointedearsandevileyeswithfirein'em,anddiditstareatyouallwickedlike?"he
asked.
"Yes!Yes!You'veseenit,too?"
"BetterbelieveIhave.It'sthatoldornerybastardDemon."
DadsaidhehadbeenchasingDemonforyears.Bynow,Dadsaid,thatoldDemonhadfiguredoutthat
ithadbetternotmesswithRexWalls.Butifthatsneakysonofagunthoughtitwasgoingtoterrorize
RexWalls'slittlegirl,ithadbyGodgotanotherthinkcoming."Gofetchmyhuntingknife,"Dadsaid.
IgotDadhisknifewiththecarvedbonehandleandthebladeofblueGermansteel,andhegavemea
pipewrench,andwewentlookingforDemon.Welookedundermybed,whereIhadseenit,butitwas
gone.Welookedallaroundthehouseunderthetable,inthedarkcornersoftheclosets,inthe
toolbox,evenoutsideinthetrashcans.

"C'mere,yousorryassoldDemon!"Dadcalledoutinthedesertnight."Comeoutandshowyourbutt
uglyface,youyellowbelliedmonster!"
"Yeah,c'mon,youoldmeanDemon!"Isaid,wavingthepipewrenchintheair."We'renotscaredof
you!"
Therewasonlythesoundofthecoyotesinthedistance."ThisisjustlikethatchickenshitDemon,"Dad
said.Hesatdownonthefrontstepandlitupacigarette,thentoldmeastoryaboutthetimeDemon
wasterrorizinganentiretown,andDadfoughtitoffinhandtohandcombat,bitingitsearsand
stickinghisfingersinitseyes.OldDemonwasterrifiedbecausethatwasthefirsttimeithadmet
anyonewhowasn'tafraidofit."DamnedoldDemondidn'tknowwhattothink,"Dadsaid,shakinghis
headwithachuckle.Thatwasthethingtorememberaboutallmonsters,Dadsaid:Theyloveto
frightenpeople,buttheminuteyoustarethemdown,theyturntailandrun."Allyouhavetodo,
MountainGoat,isshowoldDemonthatyou'renotafraid."
***
NotmuchgrewaroundMidlandotherthantheJoshuatree,cacti,andthescrubbylittlecreosotebushes
thatDadsaidweresomeoftheoldestplantsontheplanet.Thegreatgranddaddycreosotebusheswere
thousandsofyearsold.Whenitrained,theyletoffadisgustingmustysmellsoanimalswouldn'teat
them.OnlyfourinchesofrainfellayeararoundMidlandaboutthesameasinthenorthernSahara
andwaterforhumanscameinonthetrainonceadayinspecialcontainers.Theonlyanimalsthatcould
survivearoundMidlandwerelipless,scalycreaturessuchasGilamonstersandscorpions,andpeople
likeus.
AmonthafterwemovedtoMidland,Jujugotbittenbyarattlesnakeanddied.Weburiedhimnearthe
Joshuatree.ItwaspracticallytheonlytimeIeversawBriancry.Butwehadplentyofcatstokeepus
company.Toomany,infact.WehadrescuedlotsofcatssincewetossedQuixoteoutthewindow,and
mostofthemhadgoneandhadkittens,anditgottothepointwherewehadtogetridofsomeofthem.
Wedidn'thavemanyneighborstogivethemto,soDadputtheminaburlapsackanddrovetoapond
madebytheminingcompanytocoolequipment.Iwatchedhimloadthebackofthecarwithbobbing,
mewingbags.
"Itdoesn'tseemright,"ItoldMom."Werescuedthem.Nowwe'regoingtokillthem."
"Wegavethemalittleextratimeontheplanet,"Momsaid."Theyshouldbegratefulforthat."
***
Dadfinallygotajobinthegypsummine,diggingoutthewhiterocksthatweregroundintothepowder
usedindrywallandplasterofparis.Whenhecamehome,he'dbecoveredwithwhitegypsumpowder,
andsometimeswe'dplayghostandhe'dchaseus.Healsobroughtbacksacksofgypsum,andMom
mixeditwithwatertomakeVenusdeMilosculpturesfromarubbercastsheorderedthroughthemail.
ItgrievedMomthattheminewasdestroyingsomuchwhiterockshesaiditwasrealmarbleand
deservedabetterfateandthat,bymakinghersculptures,shewasatleastimmortalizingsomeofit.
Momwaspregnant.EveryonehopeditwouldbeaboysoBrianwouldhavesomeonetoplaywithother
thanme.WhenitgottimeforMomtogivebirth,Dad'splanwasforustomovetoBlythe,twentymiles

south,whichwassuchabigtownithadtwomovietheatersandtwostateprisons.
Inthemeantime,Momdevotedherselftoherart.Shespentalldayworkingonoilpaintings,
watercolors,charcoaldrawings,penandinksketches,clayandwiresculptures,silkscreens,andwood
blocks.Shedidn'thaveanyparticularstyle;someofherpaintingswerewhatshecalledprimitive,some
wereimpressionisticandabstract,somewererealistic."Idon'twanttobepigeonholed,"shelikedto
say.Momwasalsoawriterandwasalwaystypingawayonnovels,shortstories,plays,poetry,fables,
andchildren'sbooks,whichsheillustratedherself.Mom'swritingwasverycreative.Sowasher
spelling.Sheneededaproofreader,andwhenLoriwasjustsevenyearsold,shewouldgooverMom's
manuscripts,checkingforerrors.
WhilewewereinMidland,MompainteddozensofvariationsandstudiesoftheJoshuatree.We'dgo
withherandshe'dgiveusartlessons.OnetimeIsawatinyJoshuatreesaplinggrowingnottoofar
fromtheoldtree.Iwantedtodigitupandreplantitnearourhouse.ItoldMomthatIwouldprotectit
fromthewindandwateriteverydaysothatitcouldgrowniceandtallandstraight.
Momfrownedatme."You'dbedestroyingwhatmakesitspecial,"shesaid."It'stheJoshuatree's
strugglethatgivesititsbeauty."
INEVERBELIEVEDINSantaClaus.
Noneofuskidsdid.MomandDadrefusedtoletus.Theycouldn'taffordexpensivepresents,andthey
didn'twantustothinkweweren'tasgoodasotherkidswho,onChristmasmorning,foundallsortsof
fancytoysunderthetreethatweresupposedlyleftbySantaClaus.Sotheytoldusallabouthowother
kidsweredeceivedbytheirparents,howthetoysthegrownupsclaimedweremadebylittleelves
wearingbellcapsintheirworkshopattheNorthPoleactuallyhadlabelsonthemsayingMADEIN
JAPAN.
"Trynottolookdownonthoseotherchildren,"Momsaid."It'snottheirfaultthatthey'vebeen
brainwashedintobelievingsillymyths."
WecelebratedChristmas,butusuallyaboutaweekafterDecember25,whenyoucouldfindperfectly
goodbowsandwrappingpaperthatpeoplehadthrownawayandChristmastreesdiscardedonthe
roadsidethatstillhadmostoftheirneedlesandevensomesilvertinselhangingonthem.MomandDad
wouldgiveusabagofmarblesoradolloraslingshotthathadbeenmarkedwaydowninanafter
Christmassale.
Dadlosthisjobatthegypsummineaftergettinginanargumentwiththeforeman,andwhenChristmas
camethatyear,wehadnomoneyatall.OnChristmasEve,Dadtookeachofuskidsoutintothedesert
nightonebyone.Ihadablanketwrappedaroundme,andwhenitwasmyturn,Iofferedtoshareit
withDad,buthesaidnothanks.Thecoldneverbotheredhim.IwasfivethatyearandIsatnexttoDad
andwelookedupatthesky.Dadlovedtotalkaboutthestars.Heexplainedtoushowtheyrotated
throughthenightskyastheearthturned.Hetaughtustoidentifytheconstellationsandhowto
navigatebytheNorthStar.Thoseshiningstars,helikedtopointout,wereoneofthespecialtreatsfor
peoplelikeuswholivedoutinthewilderness.Richcityfolks,he'dsay,livedinfancyapartments,but

theirairwassopollutedtheycouldn'tevenseethestars.We'dhavetobeoutofourmindstowantto
tradeplaceswithanyofthem.
"Pickoutyourfavoritestar,"Dadsaidthatnight.HetoldmeIcouldhaveitforkeeps.Hesaiditwasmy
Christmaspresent.
"Youcan'tgivemeastar!"Isaid."Nooneownsthestars."
"That'sright,"Dadsaid."Nooneelseownsthem.Youjusthavetoclaimitbeforeanyoneelsedoes,like
thatdagofellowColumbusclaimedAmericaforQueenIsabella.Claimingastarasyourownhasevery
bitasmuchlogictoit."
IthoughtaboutitandrealizedDadwasright.Hewasalwaysfiguringoutthingslikethat.
IcouldhaveanystarIwanted,Dadsaid,exceptBetelgeuseandRigel,becauseLoriandBrianhad
alreadylaidclaimtothem.
Ilookeduptothestarsandtriedtofigureoutwhichwasthebestone.Youcouldseehundreds,maybe
thousandsorevenmillions,twinklinginthecleardesertsky.Thelongeryoulookedandthemoreyour
eyesadjustedtothedark,themorestarsyou'dsee,layerafterlayerofthemgraduallybecomingvisible.
Therewasoneinparticular,inthewestabovethemountainsbutlowinthesky,thatshonemore
brightlythanalltherest.
"Iwantthatone,"Isaid.
Dadgrinned."That'sVenus,"hesaid.Venuswasonlyaplanet,hewenton,andprettydinkycompared
torealstars.Shelookedbiggerandbrighterbecauseshewasmuchcloserthanthestars.PooroldVenus
didn'tevenmakeherownlight,Dadsaid.Sheshoneonlyfromreflectedlight.Heexplainedtomethat
planetsglowedbecausereflectedlightwasconstant,andstarstwinkledbecausetheirlightpulsed.
"Ilikeitanyway,"Isaid.IhadadmiredVenusevenbeforethatChristmas.Youcouldseeitintheearly
evening,glowingonthewesternhorizon,andifyougotupearly,youcouldstillseeitinthemorning,
afterallthestarshaddisappeared.
"Whatthehell,"Dadsaid."It'sChristmas.Youcanhaveaplanetifyouwant."
AndhegavemeVenus.
ThateveningoverChristmasdinner,wealldiscussedouterspace.Dadexplainedlightyearsandblack
holesandquasarsandtoldusaboutthespecialqualitiesofBetelgeuse,Rigel,andVenus.
BetelgeusewasaredstarintheshoulderoftheconstellationOrion.Itwasoneofthelargeststarsyou
couldseeinthesky,hundredsoftimesbiggerthanthesun.Ithadburnedbrightlyformillionsofyears
andwouldsoonbecomeasupernovaandburnout.IgotupsetthatLorihadchosenaclunkerofastar,
butDadexplainedthat."soon"meanthundredsofthousandsofyearswhenyouweretalkingabout
stars.

Rigelwasabluestar,smallerthanBetelgeuse,Dadsaid,butevenbrighter.ItwasalsoinOrionitwas
hisleftfoot,whichseemedappropriate,becauseBrianwasanextrafastrunner.
Venusdidn'thaveanymoonsorsatellitesorevenamagneticfield,butitdidhaveanatmospheresortof
similartoEarth's,exceptitwassuperhotaboutfivehundreddegreesormore."So,"Dadsaid."when
thesunstartstoburnoutandEarthturnscold,everyoneheremightwanttomovetoVenustogetwarm.
Andthey'llhavetogetpermissionfromyourdescendantsfirst."
WelaughedaboutallthekidswhobelievedintheSantamythandgotnothingforChristmasbuta
bunchofcheapplastictoys."Yearsfromnow,whenallthejunktheygotisbrokenandlongforgotten,"
Dadsaid,"you'llstillhaveyourstars."
ATTWILIGHT,ONCEthesunhadslidbehindthePalenMountains,thebatscameoutandswirled
throughtheskyabovetheshacksofMidland.Theoldladywholivednextdoorwarnedusawayfrom
bats.Shecalledthemflyingratsandsaidonegotcaughtinherhaironceandwentcrazyclawingather
scalp.ButIlovedthoseuglylittlebats,thewaytheydartedpast,theirwingsinafuriousblur.Dad
explainedhowtheyhadsonardetectorskindofliketheonesinnuclearsubmarines.BrianandIwould
throwpebbles,hopingthebatswouldthinktheywerebugsandeatthem,andtheweightofthepebbles
wouldpullthemdownandwecouldkeepthemaspets,tyingalongstringtotheirclawsotheycould
stillflyaround.Iwantedtotrainonetohangupsidedownfrommyfinger.Butthosedarnbatsweretoo
clevertofallforourtrick.
Thebatswereout,swoopingandscreeching,whenweleftMidlandforBlythe.Earlierthatday,Mom
hadtoldusthatthebabyhaddecideditwasbigenoughtocomeoutsoonandjointhefamily.Oncewe
wereontheroad,DadandMomgotinabigfightoverhowmanymonthsshe'dbeenpregnant.Mom
saidshewastenmonthspregnant.Dad,whohadfixedsomeone'stransmissionearlierthatdayandused
themoneyhe'dmadetobuyabottleoftequila,saidsheprobablylosttracksomewhere.
"Ialwayscarrychildrenlongerthanmostwomen,"Momsaid."Loriwasinmywombforfourteen
months."
"Bullshit!"Dadsaid."UnlessLori'spartelephant."
"Don'tyoumakefunofmeormychildren!"Momyelled."Somebabiesarepremature.Minewereall
postmature.That'swhythey'resosmart.Theirbrainshadlongertodevelop."
Dadsaidsomethingaboutfreaksofnature,andMomcalledDadaMr.KnowItAllSmartyPantswho
refusedtobelievethatshewasspecial.DadsaidsomethingaboutJesusH.Christonagoddamncrutch
nottakingthatmuchtimetogestate.MomgotupsetatDad'sblasphemy,reachedherfootovertothe
driver'sside,andstompedonthebrake.Itwasthemiddleofthenight,andMomboltedoutofthecar
andranintothedarkness.
"Youcrazybitch!"Dadhollered."Getyourgoddamnassbackinthiscar!"

"Youmakeme,Mr.ToughGuy!"shescreamedassheranaway.
Dadjerkedthesteeringwheeltoonesideanddroveofftheroadintothedesertafterher.Lori,Brian,
andIbracedoneanotherwithourarms,likewealwaysdidwhenDadwentonsomewildchasethatwe
knewwouldgetbumpy.
Dadstuckhisheadoutthewindowashedrove,holleringatMom,callinghera."stupidwhore"anda.
"stinkingcunt"andorderinghertogetbackintothecar.Momrefused.Shewasaheadofus,bobbingin
andoutofthedesertbrush.Sincesheneverusedcursewords,shewascallingDadnameslike.
"blanketyblank"and."worthlessdrunksoandso."Dadstoppedthecar,thenjammeddownthe
acceleratorandpoppedtheclutch.WeshotforwardtowardMom,whoscreamedandjumpedoutofthe
way.Dadturnedaroundandwentforheragain.
Itwasamoonlessnight,sowecouldn'tseeMomexceptwhensheranintothebeamoftheheadlights.
Shekeptlookingoverhershoulder,hereyeswidelikeahuntedanimal's.WekidscriedandbeggedDad
tostop,butheignoredus.IwasevenmoreworriedaboutthebabyinsideMom'sswollenbellythanI
wasabouther.Thecarbouncedonholesandrocks,brushscratchingagainstitssidesanddustcoming
throughtheopenwindows.Finally,DadcorneredMomagainstsomerocks.Iwasafraidhemight
smushherwiththecar,butinsteadhegotoutanddraggedherback,legsflailing,andthrewherintothe
car.Webangedbackthroughthedesertandontotheroad.EveryonewasquietexceptMom,whowas
sobbingthatshereallydidcarryLoriforfourteenmonths.
***
MomandDadmadeupthenextday,andbylateafternoonMomwascuttingDad'shairintheliving
roomoftheapartmentwe'drentedinBlythe.He'dtakenoffhisshirtandwassittingbackwardona
chairwithhisheadbowedandhishaircombedforward.MomwassnippingawaywhileDadpointed
outthepartsthatwerestilltoolong.Whentheywerefinished,Dadcombedhishairbackand
announcedthatMomhaddoneahelluvafineshearingjob.
Ourapartmentwasinaonestorycinderblockbuildingontheoutskirtsoftown.Ithadabigblueand
whiteplasticsignintheshapeofanoval,andaboomerangthatsaid:THELBJAPARTMENTS.I
thoughtitstoodforLori,Brian,andJeannette,butMomsaidLBJweretheinitialsofthepresident,
who,sheadded,wasacrookandawarmonger.AfewtruckdriversandcowboyshadroomsattheLBJ
Apartments,butmostoftheotherpeoplewholivedthereweremigrantworkersandtheirfamilies,and
weheardthemtalkingthroughthethinSheetrockwalls.Momsaiditwasoneofthebonusesofliving
attheLBJApartments,becausewe'dbeabletopickupalittleSpanishwithoutevenstudying.
BlythewasinCalifornia,buttheArizonaborderwaswithinspittingdistance.Peoplewholivedthere
likedtosaythetownwas150mileswestofPhoenix,250mileseastofLosAngeles,andsmackdabin
themiddleofnowhere.Buttheyalwayssaiditliketheywerebragging.
MomandDadweren'texactlycrazyaboutBlythe.Toocivilized,theysaid,anddownrightunnatural,
too,sincenotownthesizeofBlythehadanybusinessexistingoutintheMojaveDesert.Itwasnearthe
ColoradoRiver,foundedbackinthenineteenthcenturybysomeguywhofiguredhecouldgetrich
turningthedesertintofarmland.Hedugabunchofirrigationditchesthatdrainedwateroutofthe
ColoradoRivertogrowlettuceandgrapesandbroccolirightthereinthemiddleofallthecactusand
sagebrush.Dadgotdisgustedeverytimewedrovepastoneofthosefarmfieldswiththeirirrigation

ditcheswideasmoats."It'sagoddamnperversionofnature,"he'dsay."Ifyouwanttoliveinthe
farmland,haulyoursorryhideofftoPennsylvania.Ifyouwanttoliveinthedesert,eatpricklypears,
noticebergpansyassedlettuce."
"That'sright,"Momwouldsay."Pricklypearshavemorevitaminsanyway."
LivinginabigcitylikeBlythemeantIhadtowearshoes.ItalsomeantIhadtogotoschool.
Schoolwasn'tsobad.Iwasinthefirstgrade,andmyteacher,MissCook,alwayschosemetoread
aloudwhentheprincipalcameintotheclassroom.Theotherstudentsdidn'tlikemeverymuchbecause
Iwassotallandpaleandskinnyandalwaysraisedmyhandtoofastandwaveditfranticallyintheair
wheneverMissCookaskedaquestion.AfewdaysafterIstartedschool,fourMexicangirlsfollowed
mehomeandjumpedmeinanalleywayneartheLBJApartments.Theybeatmeupprettybad,pulling
myhairandtearingmyclothesandcallingmeateacher'spetandamatchstick.
Icamehomethatnightwithscrapedkneesandelbowsandabustedlip."Lookstomelikeyougotina
fight,"Dadsaid.Hewassittingatthetable,takingapartanoldalarmclockwithBrian.
"Justalittledustup,"Isaid.ThatwasthewordDadalwaysusedafterhe'dbeeninafight.
"Howmanywerethere?"
"Six,"Ilied.
"Isthatsplitlipokay?"heasked.
"Thislil'ol'scratch?"Iasked."YoushouldhaveseenwhatIdidtothem."
"That'smygirl!"Dadsaidandwentbacktotheclock,butBriankeptlookingoveratme.
ThenextdaywhenIgottothealley,theMexicangirlswerewaitingforme.Beforetheycouldattack,
Brianjumpedoutfrombehindaclumpofsagebrush,wavingayuccabranch.Brianwasshorterthan
meandjustasskinny,withfrecklesacrosshisnoseandsandyredhairthatfellintohiseyes.Hewore
myhandmedownpants,whichIhadinheritedfromLoriandthenpassedontohim,andtheywere
alwaysslidingoffhisbonybehind.
"Justbackoffnow,andeveryonecanwalkawaywithalltheirlimbsstillattached,"Briansaid.Itwas
anotheroneofDad'slines.
TheMexicangirlsstaredathimbeforeburstingintolaughter.Thentheysurroundedhim.Briandid
fairlywellfendingthemoffuntiltheyuccabranchbroke.Thenhedisappearedbeneathaflurryof
swingingfistsandkickingfeet.IgrabbedthebiggestrockIcouldfindandhitoneofthegirlsonthe
headwithit.Fromthejoltinmyarm,IthoughtI'dcrackedherskull.Shesanktoherknees.Oneofher
friendspushedmetothegroundandkickedmeintheface;thentheyallranoff,thegirlIhadhit
holdingherheadasshestaggeredalong.

BrianandIsatup.Hisfacewascoveredwithsand.AllIcouldseewerehisblueeyespeeringoutanda
coupleofspotsofbloodseepingthrough.Iwantedtohughim,butthatwouldhavebeentooweird.
Brianstoodupandgesturedformetofollowhim.Weclimbedthroughaholeinthechainlinkfencehe
haddiscoveredthatmorningandranintotheiceberglettucefarmnexttotheapartmentbuilding.I
followedhimthroughtherowsofbiggreenleaves,andweeventuallysettleddowntofeast,buryingour
facesinthehugewetheadsoflettuceandeatinguntilourstomachsached.
"Iguesswescaredthemoffprettygood,"IsaidtoBrian.
"Iguess,"hesaid.
Heneverlikedtobrag,butIcouldtellhewasproudthathehadtakenonfourbigger,tougherkids,even
iftheyweregirls.
"Lettucewar!"Brianshouted.Hetossedahalfeatenheadatmelikeagrenade.Weranalongtherows,
pullingupheadsandthrowingthemateachother.Acropdusterflewoverhead.Wewavedasitmadea
passabovethefield.Acloudsprayedoutfrombehindtheplane,andafinewhitepowdercame
sprinklingdownonourheads.
***
TwomonthsafterwemovedtoBlythe,whenMomsaidshewastwelvemonthspregnant,sheatlast
gavebirth.Aftershe'dbeeninthehospitalfortwodays,wealldroveouttopickherup.Dadleftuskids
waitinginthecarwiththeengineidlingwhilehewentinforMom.TheycamerunningoutwithDad's
armaroundMom'sshoulders.Momwascradlingabundleinherarmsandgigglingsortofguiltily,like
she'dstolenacandybarfromadimestore.IfiguredtheyhadcheckedoutRexWallsstyle.
"Whatisit?"Loriaskedaswespedaway.
"Girl!"Momsaid.
Momhandedmethebaby.Iwasgoingtoturnsixinafewmonths,andMomsaidIwasmatureenough
toholdhertheentirewayhome.Thebabywaspinkandwrinklybutabsolutelybeautiful,withbigblue
eyes,softwispsofblondhair,andthetiniestfingernailsIhadeverseen.Shemovedinconfused,jerky
motions,asifshecouldn'tunderstandwhyMom'sbellywasn'tstillaroundher.IpromisedherI'd
alwaystakecareofher.
Thebabywentwithoutanameforweeks.Momsaidshewantedtostudyitfirst,thewayshewouldthe
subjectofapainting.Wehadalotofargumentsoverwhatthenameshouldbe.Iwantedtocallher
Rosita,aftertheprettiestgirlinmyclass,butMomsaidthatnamewastooMexican.
"Ithoughtweweren'tsupposedtobeprejudiced,"Isaid.
"It'snotbeingprejudiced,"Momsaid."It'samatterofaccuracyinlabeling."
ShetoldusthatbothourgrandmotherswereangrybecauseneitherLorinorIhadbeennamedafter
them,soshedecidedtocallthebabyLillyRuthMaureen.LillywasMom'smother'sname,andErma
RuthwasDad'smother'sname.Butwe'dcallthebabyMaureen,anameMomlikedbecauseitwasa

diminutiveofMary,soshe'dalsobenamingthebabyafterherselfbutprettymuchnoonewouldknow
it.That,Dadtoldus,wouldmakeeveryonehappyexcepthismom,whohatedthenameRuthand
wantedthebabycalledErma,andMom'smom,whowouldhatesharinghernamesakewithDad's
mom.
AFEWMONTHSAFTERMaureenwasborn,asquadcartriedtopullusoverbecausethebrake
lightsontheGreenCabooseweren'tworking.Dadtookoff.Hesaidthatifthecopsstoppedus,they'd
findoutthatwehadnoregistrationorinsuranceandthatthelicenseplatehadbeentakenoffanother
car,andthey'darrestusall.Afterbarrelingdownthehighway,hemadeascreechingUturn,withus
kidsfeelinglikethecarwasgoingtotumbleoveronitsside,butthesquadcarmadeone,too.Dad
peeledthroughBlytheatahundredmilesanhour,ranaredlight,cutthewrongwayupaoneway
street,theothercarshonkingandpullingover.Hemadeafewmoreturns,thenheadeddownanalley
andfoundanemptygaragetohidein.
Weheardthesoundofthesirenacoupleofblocksawayandthenitfaded.Dadsaidthatsincethe
gestapowouldhavetheireyesoutfortheGreenCaboose,we'dhavetoleaveitinthegarageandwalk
home.
ThenextdayheannouncedthatBlythehadbecomealittletoohotandwewerehittingtheroadagain.
Thistimeheknewwhereweweregoing.Dadhadbeendoingsomeresearchandsettledonatownin
northernNevadacalledBattleMountain.TherewasgoldinBattleMountain,Dadsaid,andheintended
togoafteritwiththeProspector.Finally,weweregoingtostrikeitrich.
MomandDadrentedagreatbigUHaultruck.MomexplainedthatsinceonlysheandDadcouldfitin
thefrontoftheUHaul,Lori,Brian,Maureen,andIwereinforatreat:Wegottorideintheback.It
wouldbefun,shesaid,arealadventure,buttherewouldn'tbeanylight,sowewouldhavetouseallour
resourcestoentertainoneanother.Pluswewerenotallowedtotalk.Sinceitwasillegaltorideinthe
back,anyonewhoheardusmightcallthecops.Momtoldusthetripwouldbeaboutfourteenhoursif
wetookthehighway,butweshouldtackonanothercoupleofhoursbecausewemightmakesome
scenicdetours.
Wepackedupwhatfurniturewehad.Therewasn'tmuch,mostlypartsfortheProspectorandacouple
ofchairsandMom'soilpaintingsandartsupplies.Whenwewerereadytoleave,Momwrapped
Maureeninalavenderblanketandpassedhertome,andwekidsallclimbedintothebackoftheU
Haul.Dadclosedthedoors.Itwaspitchblackandtheairsmelledstaleanddusty.Weweresittingon
theribbedwoodenfloor,onfrayed,stainedblanketsusedtowrapfurniture,feelingforoneanotherwith
ourhands.
"Heregoestheadventure!"Iwhispered.
"Shhhh!"Lorisaid.
TheUHaulstartedupandlurchedforward.Maureenletloosewithaloud,highpitchedwail.Ishushed
herandrockedherandpattedher,butshekeptcrying.SoIgavehertoLori,whowhisperedsingsong
intoherearandtoldjokes.Thatdidn'twork,either,sowebeggedMaureentopleasestopcrying.Then

wejustputourhandsoverourears.
Afterawhile,itgotcoldanduncomfortableinthebackofthedarkUHaul.Theenginemadethefloor
vibrate,andwe'dallgotumblingwheneverwehitabump.Severalhourspassed.Bythenwewereall
dyingtopeeandwonderingifDadwasgoingtopulloverforareststop.Suddenly,withabang,wehit
ahugepotholeandthebackdoorsontheUHaulflewopen.Thewindshriekedthroughthe
compartment.Wewereafraidweweregoingtogetsuckedout,andweallshrankbackagainstthe
Prospector.Themoonwasout.WecouldseetheglowfromtheUHaul'staillightsandtheroadwe'd
comedown,stretchingbackthroughthesilverydesert.Theunlockeddoorsswungbackandforthwith
loudclangs.
Sincethefurniturewasstoredbetweenusandthecabin,wecouldn'tknockonthewalltogetMom's
andDad'sattention.WebangedonthesidesoftheUHaulandholleredasloudaswecould,butthe
enginewastoonoisyandtheydidn'thearus.
Briancrawledtothebackofthevan.Whenoneofthedoorsswungin,hegrabbedatit,butitflewopen
again,jerkinghimforward.IthoughtthedoorwasgoingtodragBrianout,buthejumpedbackjustin
timeandscrambledalongthewoodenfloortowardLoriandme.
BrianandLoriheldtighttotheProspector,whichDadhadtiedsecurelywithropes.Iwasholding
Maureen,whoforsomestrangereasonhadstoppedcrying.Iwedgedmyselfintoacorner.Itseemed
likewe'dhavetorideitout.
Thenapairofheadlightsappearedwayinthedistancebehindus.Wewatchedasthecarslowlycaught
upwiththeUHaul.Afterafewminutes,itpulleduprightbehindus,anditsheadlightscaughtusthere
inthebackofthecab.Thecarstartedhonkingandflashingitsbrights.Thenitpulledupandpassedus.
ThedrivermusthavesignaledMomandDad,becausetheUHaulslowedtoastopandDadcame
runningbackwithaflashlight.
"Whatthehellisgoingon?"heasked.Hewasfurious.Wetriedtoexplainthatitwasn'tourfaultthe
doorsblewopen,buthewasstillangry.Iknewthathewasscared,too.Maybeevenmorescaredthan
angry.
"Wasthatacop?"Brianasked.
"No,"Dadsaid."Andyou'resureashellluckyitwasn't,orhe'dbehaulingyourassesofftojail."
Afterwepeed,weclimbedbackintothetruckandwatchedasDadclosedthedoors.Thedarkness
envelopedusagain.WecouldhearDadlockingthedoorsanddoublecheckingthem.Theengine
restarted,andwecontinuedonourway.
BATTLEMOUNTAINHADstartedoutasaminingpost,settledahundredyearsearlierbypeople
hopingtostrikeitrich,butifanyoneeverhadstruckitrichinBattleMountain,theymusthavemoved
somewhereelsetospendtheirfortune.Nothingaboutthetownwasgrandexceptthebigemptyskyand,
offinthedistance,thestonypurpleTuscaroraMountainsrunningdowntothetableflatdesert.

Themainstreetwaswidewithsunbleachedcarsandpickupsparkedatanangletothecurbbut
onlyafewblockslong,flankedonbothsideswithlow,flatroofedbuildingsmadeofadobeorbrick.A
singlestreetlightflashedreddayandnight.AlongMainStreetwasagrocerystore,adrugstore,aFord
dealership,aGreyhoundbusstation,andtwobigcasinos,theOwlClubandtheNevadaHotel.The
buildings,whichseemedpunyunderthehugesky,hadneonsignsthatdidn'tlookliketheywereon
duringthedaybecausethesunwassobright.
Wemovedintoawoodenbuildingontheedgeoftownthathadoncebeenarailroaddepot.Itwastwo
storiestallandpaintedanindustrialgreen,andwassoclosetotherailroadtracksthatyoucouldwave
totheengineerfromthefrontwindow.Ournewhomewasoneoftheoldestbuildingsintown,Mom
proudlytoldus,witharealfrontierqualitytoit.
MomandDad'sbedroomwasonthesecondfloor,wherethestationmanageroncehadhisoffice.We
kidssleptdownstairsinwhathadbeenthewaitingroom.Theoldrestroomswerestillthere,butthe
toilethadbeenrippedoutofoneandabathtubputinitsplace.Theticketboothhadbeenconvertedinto
akitchen.Someoftheoriginalbencheswerestillboltedtotheunpaintedwoodwalls,andyoucould
seethedark,wornspotswhereprospectorsandminersandtheirwivesandchildrenhadsatwaitingfor
thetrain,theirbehindspolishingthewood.
Sincewedidn'thavemoneyforfurniture,weimprovised.Abunchofhugewoodenspools,thekindthat
holdindustrialcable,hadbeendumpedonthesideofthetracksnotfarfromourhouse,sowerolled
themhomeandturnedthemintotables."Whatkindoffoolswouldgowastemoneyonstorebought
tableswhentheycanhavetheseforfree?"Dadsaidashepoundedthetopsofthespoolstoshowus
howsturdytheywere.
Forchairs,weusedsomesmallerspoolsandafewcrates.Insteadofbeds,wekidseachsleptinabig
cardboardbox,liketheonesrefrigeratorsgetdeliveredin.Alittlewhileafterwe'dmovedintothe
depot,weheardMomandDadtalkingaboutbuyinguskidsrealbeds,andwesaidtheyshouldn'tdoit.
Welikedourboxes.Theymadegoingtobedseemlikeanadventure.
***
Shortlyafterwemovedintothedepot,Momdecidedthatwhatwereallyneededwasapiano.Dad
foundacheapuprightwhenasalooninthenexttownoverwentoutofbusiness,andheborroweda
neighbor'spickuptobringithome.Wesliditoffthepickupdownaramp,butitwastooheavytocarry.
Togetitintothedepot,Daddevisedasystemofropesandpulleysthatheattachedtothepianointhe
frontyardandranthroughthehouseandoutthebackdoor,wheretheyweretiedtothepickup.The
planwasforMomtoeasethetruckforward,pullingthepianointothehousewhileDadandwekids
guidedituparampofplanksandthroughthefrontdoor.
"Ready!"Dadholleredwhenwewereallinourpositions.
"Okeydoke!"Momshouted.Butinsteadofeasingforward,Mom,whohadneverquitegottenthehang
ofdriving,hitthegaspedalhard,andthetruckshotahead.Thepianojerkedoutofourhands,sending
uslurchingforward,andbouncedintothehouse,splinteringthedoorframe.DadscreamedatMomto
slowdown,butshekeptgoinganddraggedthescreeching,chordbangingpianoacrossthedepotfloor
andrightthroughthereardoor,splinteringitsframe,too,thenoutintothebackyard,whereitcameto

restnexttoathornybush.
Dadcamerunningthroughthehouse."WhattheSamHillwereyoudoing?"heyelledatMom."Itold
youtogoslow!"
"Iwasonlydoingtwentyfive!"Momsaid."YougetmadatmewhenIgothatslowonthehighway."
Shelookedbehindherandsawthepianosittinginthebackyard."Oopsiedaisy,"shesaid.
Momwantedtoturnaroundanddragitbackintothehousefromtheotherdirection,butDadsaidthat
wasimpossiblebecausetherailroadtracksweretooclosetothefrontdoortogetthepickupinposition.
Sothepianostayedwhereitwas.OnthedaysMomfeltinspired,shetookhersheetmusicandoneof
ourspoolchairsoutsideandpoundedawayathermusicbackthere."Mostpianistsnevergetthechance
toplayinthegreatoutofdoors,"shesaid."Andnowthewholeneighborhoodcanenjoythemusic,
too."
DADGOTAJOBASanelectricianinabaritemine.Heleftearlyandcamehomeearly,andinthe
afternoonsweallplayedgames.Dadtaughtuscards.Hetriedtoshowushowtobesteelyeyedpoker
players,butIwasn'tverygood.Dadsaidyoucouldreadmyfacelikeatrafficlight.EventhoughI
wasn'tmuchofabluffer,I'dsometimeswinahandbecauseIwasalwaysgettingexcitedbyeven
mediocrecards,likeapairoffives,whichmadeBrianandLorithinkI'dbeendealtaces.Dadalso
inventedgamesforustoplay,liketheErgoGame,inwhichhe'dmaketwostatementsoffactandwe
hadtoansweraquestionbasedonthosestatements,orelsesay."Insufficientinformationtodrawa
conclusion"andexplainwhy.
WhenDadwasn'tthere,weinventedourowngames.Wedidn'thavemanytoys,butyoudidn'tneedtoys
inaplacelikeBattleMountain.We'dgetapieceofcardboardandgotobogganingdownthedepot's
narrowstaircase.We'djumpofftheroofofthedepot,usinganarmysurplusblanketasourparachute
andlettingourlegsbuckleunderuswhenwehittheground,likeDadhadtaughtusrealparachutists
do.We'dputapieceofscrapmetalorapenny,ifwewerefeelingextravagantontherailroadtracks
rightbeforethetraincame.Afterthetrainhadroaredby,themassivewheelschurning,we'druntoget
ournewlyflattened,hotandshinypieceofmetal.
Thethingwelikedtodomostwasgoexploringinthedesert.We'dgetupatdawn,myfavoritetime,
whentheshadowswerelongandpurpleandyoustillhadthewholedayaheadofyou.SometimesDad
wentwithus,andwe'dmarchthroughthesagebrushmilitarystyle,withDadcallingoutordersina
singsongchanthup,two,three,fourandthenwe'dstopanddopushupsorDadwouldholdouthis
armsowecoulddopullupsonit.Mostly,BrianandIwentexploringbyourselves.Thatdesertwas
filledwithallsortsofamazingtreasures.
WehadmovedtoBattleMountainbecauseofthegoldinthearea,butthedesertalsohadtonsofother
mineraldeposits.Therewassilverandcopperanduraniumandbarite,whichDadsaidoildrillingrigs
used.MomandDadcouldtellwhatkindofmineralsandorewereinthegroundfromthecolorofthe
rockandsoil,andtheytaughtuswhattolookfor.Ironwasintheredrocks,copperinthegreen.There
wassomuchturquoisenuggetsandevenbigchunksofitlyingonthedesertfloorthatBrianandI
couldfillourpocketswithituntiltheweightpracticallypulledourpantsdown.Youcouldalsofind

arrowheadsandfossilsandoldbottlesthathadturneddeeppurplefromlyingunderthebroilingsunfor
years.Youcouldfindthesunparchedskullsofcoyotesandemptytortoiseshellsandtherattlesand
shedskinsofrattlesnakes.Andyoucouldfindgreatbigbullfrogsthathadstayedinthesuntoolong
andwerecompletelydriedupandaslightasapieceofpaper.
OnSundaynight,ifDadhadmoney,we'dallgototheOwlClubfordinner.TheOwlClubwas."World
Famous,"accordingtothesign,whereahootowlwearingachef'shatpointedthewaytotheentrance.
Offtoonesidewasaroomwithrowsofslotmachinesthatwereconstantlyclinkingandtickingand
flashinglights.Momsaidtheslotplayerswerehypnotized.Dadsaidtheyweredamnfools."Neverplay
theslots,"Dadtoldus."They'reforsuckerswhorelyonluck."Dadknewallaboutstatistics,andhe
explainedhowthecasinosstackedtheoddsagainsttheslotplayers.WhenDadgambled,hepreferred
pokerandpoolgamesofskill,notchance."Whoevercoinedthephrase'aman'sgottoplaythehand
thatwasdealthim'wasmostcertainlyonepisspoorbluffer,"Dadsaid.
TheOwlClubhadabarwheregroupsofmenwithsunburnedneckshuddledtogetheroverbeersand
cigarettes.TheyallknewDad,andwheneverhewalkedin,theyinsultedhiminaloudfunnywaythat
wasmeanttobefriendly."Thisjointmustbegoingtohellinahandbasketifthey'relettinginsorryass
characterslikeyou!"they'dshout.
"Hell,mypresenceherehasapositivelyelevatingeffectcomparedtoyoumangycoyotes,"Dadwould
yellback.They'dallthrowtheirheadsbackandlaughandslaponeanotherbetweentheshoulder
blades.
Wealwayssatatoneoftheredbooths."Suchgoodmanners,"thewaitresswouldexclaim,because
MomandDadmadeussay."sir"and."ma'am"and."yes,please"and."thankyou."
"They'redamnedsmart,too!"Dadwoulddeclare."Finestdamnkidseverwalkedtheplanet."Andwe'd
smileandorderhamburgersorchilidogsandmilkshakesandbigplatesofonionringsthatglistened
withhotgrease.Thewaitressbroughtthefoodtothetableandpouredthemilkshakesfromasweating
metalcontainerintoourglasses.Therewasalwayssomeleftover,soshekeptthecontaineronthetable
forustofinish."Lookslikeyouhitthejackpotandgotsomethingextra,"she'dsaywithawink.We
alwayslefttheOwlClubsostuffedwecouldhardlywalk."Let'swaddlehome,kids,"Dadwouldsay.
ThebariteminewhereDadworkedhadacommissary,andthemineownerdeductedourbillandthe
rentforthedepotoutofDad'spaycheckeverymonth.Atthebeginningofeachweek,wewenttothe
commissaryandbroughthomebagsandbagsoffood.Momsaidonlypeoplebrainwashedby
advertisingboughtpreparedfoodssuchasSpaghettiOsandTVdinners.Sheboughtthebasics:sacksof
flourorcornmeal,powderedmilk,onions,potatoes,twentypoundbagsofriceorpintobeans,salt,
sugar,yeastformakingbread,cansofjackmackerel,acannedhamorafatslabofbologna,andfor
dessert,cansofslicedpeaches.
Momdidn'tlikecookingmuch."Whyspendtheafternoonmakingamealthatwillbegoneinanhour,"
she'daskus,"wheninthesameamountoftime,Icandoapaintingthatwilllastforever?"sooncea
weekorso,she'dfixabigcastironvatofsomethinglikefishandriceor,usually,beans.We'dallsort
throughthebeanstogether,pickingouttherocks,thenMomwouldsoakthemovernight,boilthemthe
nextdaywithanoldhambonetogivethemflavor,andforthatentireweek,we'dhavebeansfor

breakfast,lunch,anddinner.Ifthebeansstartedgoingbad,we'djustputextraspiceinthem,likethe
MexicansattheLBJApartmentsalwaysdid.
Weboughtsomuchfoodthatweneverhadmuchmoneycomepayday.OnepaydayDadowedthemine
companyelevencents.Hethoughtitwasfunnyandtoldthemtoputitonhistab.Dadalmostnever
wentoutdrinkingatnightlikeheusedto.Hestayedhomewithus.Afterdinner,thewholefamily
stretchedoutonthebenchesandthefloorofthedepotandread,withthedictionaryinthemiddleof
theroomsowekidscouldlookupwordswedidn'tknow.SometimesIdiscussedthedefinitionswith
Dad,andifwedidn'tagreewithwhatthedictionarywriterssaid,wesatdownandwrotealettertothe
publishers.They'dwritebackdefendingtheirposition,whichwouldpromptanevenlongerletterfrom
Dad,andiftheyrepliedagain,sowouldhe,untilwestoppedhearingfromthedictionarypeople.
Momreadeverything:CharlesDickens,WilliamFaulkner,HenryMiller,PearlBuck.Sheevenread
JamesMichenerapologeticallysayingsheknewitwasn'tgreatliterature,butshecouldn'thelp
herself.Dadpreferredscienceandmathbooks,biographiesandhistory.WekidsreadwhateverMom
broughthomefromherweeklytripstothelibrary.
Brianreadthickadventurebooks,oneswrittenbyguyslikeZaneGrey.LoriespeciallylovedFreddythe
PigandalltheOzbooks.IlikedtheLauraIngallsWilderstoriesandtheWeWereThereseriesabout
kidswholivedatgreathistoricalmoments,butmyveryfavoritewasBlackBeauty.Occasionally,on
thosenightswhenwewereallreadingtogether,atrainwouldthunderby,shakingthehouseandrattling
thewindows.Thenoisewasthunderous,butafterwe'dbeenthereawhile,wedidn'tevenhearit.
MOMANDDADenrolledusintheMaryS.BlackElementarySchool,along,lowbuildingwithan
asphaltplaygroundthatturnedgooeyinthehotsun.Mysecondgradeclasswasfilledwiththechildren
ofminersandgamblers,scabbykneedanddustyfromplayinginthedesert,withunevenhome
scissoredbangs.Ourteacher,MissPage,wasasmall,pinchedwoman,giventosuddenragesand
savagethrashingswithherruler.
MomandDadhadalreadytaughtmenearlyeverythingMissPagewasteachingtheclass.SinceI
wantedtheotherkidstolikeme,Ididn'traisemyhandallthetimethewayIhadinBlythe.Dad
accusedmeofcoasting.Sometimeshemademedomyarithmetichomeworkinbinarynumbers
becausehesaidIneededtobechallenged.Beforeclass,I'dhavetorecopyitintoArabicnumbers,but
onedayIdidn'thavetime,soIturnedintheassignmentinitsbinaryversion.
"What'sthis?"MissPageasked.Shepressedherlipstogetherasshestudiedthecirclesandlinesthat
coveredmypaper,thenlookedupatmesuspiciously."Isthisajoke?"
Itriedtoexplaintoheraboutbinarynumbers,andhowtheywerethesystemthatcomputersusedand
howDadsaidtheywerefarsuperiortoothernumericsystems.MissPagestaredatme.
"Itwasn'ttheassignment,"shesaidimpatiently.Shemademestaylateandredothehomework.Ididn't
tellDad,becauseIknewhe'dcometoschooltodebateMissPageaboutthevirtuesofvariousnumeric
systems.
***

Lotsofotherkidslivedinourneighborhood,whichwasknownastheTracks,andafterschoolweall
playedtogether.Weplayedredlightgreenlight,tag,football,RedRover,ornamelessgamesthat
involvedrunninghard,keepingupwiththepack,andnotcryingifyoufelldown.Allthefamilieswho
livedaroundtheTracksweretightoncash.Someweretighterthanothers,butallofuskidswere
scrawnyandsunburnedandworefadedshortsandraggedyshirtsandsneakerswithholesornoshoesat
all.
Whatwasmostimportanttouswaswhoranthefastestandwhosedaddywasn'tawimp.Mydadwas
notonlynotawimp,hecameouttoplaywiththegang,runningalongsideus,tossingusupintheair,
andwrestlingagainsttheentirepackwithoutgettinghurt.KidsfromtheTrackscameknockingatthe
door,andwhenIanswered,theyasked,"Canyourdadcomeoutandplay?"
Lori,Brian,andI,andevenMaureen,couldgoprettymuchanywhereanddojustaboutanythingwe
wanted.Mombelievedthatchildrenshouldn'tbeburdenedwithalotofrulesandrestrictions.Dad
whippeduswithhisbelt,butneveroutofanger,andonlyifwebacktalkedordisobeyedadirectorder,
whichwasrare.Theonlyrulewasthatwehadtocomehomewhenthestreetlightswenton."Anduse
yourcommonsense,"Momsaid.Shefeltitwasgoodforkidstodowhattheywantedbecausethey
learnedalotfromtheirmistakes.Momwasnotoneofthosefussymotherswhogotupsetwhenyou
camehomedirtyorplayedinthemudorfellandcutyourself.Shesaidpeopleshouldgetthingslike
thatoutoftheirsystemswhentheywereyoung.OnceanoldnailrippedmythighwhileIwasclimbing
overafenceatmyfriendCarla'shouse.Carla'smotherthoughtIshouldgotothehospitalforstitches
andatetanusshot."Nothingbutaminorfleshwound,"Momdeclaredafterstudyingthedeepgash.
"Peoplethesedaysruntothehospitaleverytimetheyskintheirknees,"sheadded."We'rebecominga
nationofsissies."Withthat,shesentmebackouttoplay.
***
SomeoftherocksIfoundwhileIwasexploringoutinthedesertweresobeautifulthatIcouldnotbear
theideaofleavingthemthere.SoIstartedacollection.Brianhelpedmewithit,andtogetherwefound
garnetsandgraniteandobsidianandMexicancrazylace,andmoreandmoreturquoise.Dadmade
necklacesforMomoutofallthatturquoise.Wediscoveredlargesheetsofmicathatyoucouldpound
intopowderandthenruballoveryourbodysoyou'dshimmerundertheNevadasunasifyouwere
coatedwithdiamonds.LotsoftimesBrianandIthoughtwe'dfoundgold,andwe'dstaggerhomewith
anentirebucketfulofsparklingnuggets,butitwasalwaysironpyritefool'sgold.SomeofitDadsaid
weshouldkeepbecauseitwasespeciallygoodqualityforfool'sgold.
Myfavoriterockstofindweregeodes,whichMomsaidcamefromthevolcanoesthathaderuptedto
formtheTuscaroraMountainsmillionsofyearsago,duringtheMioceneperiod.Fromtheoutside,
geodeslookedlikeboringroundrocks,butwhenyoubrokethemopenwithachiselandhammer,the
insideswerehollow,likeacave,andthewallswerecoveredwithglitteringwhitequartzcrystalsor
sparklingpurpleamethysts.
Ikeptmyrockcollectionbehindthehouse,nexttoMom'spiano,whichwasgettingalittleweathered.
LoriandBrianandIwouldusetherockstodecoratethegravesofourpetsthathaddiedorofthedead
animalswefoundanddecidedshouldgetaproperburial.Ialsoheldrocksales.Ididn'thavethatmany
customers,becauseIchargedhundredsofdollarsforapieceofflint.Infact,theonlypersonwhoever
boughtoneofmyrockswasDad.Hecameoutbehindthehouseonedaywithapocketfulofchange
andwasstartledwhenhesawthepricetagsI'dtapedtoeachrock.

"Honey,yourinventorymightmovealittlefasterifyoudroppedyourprices,"hesaid.
IexplainedthatallmyrockswereincrediblyvaluableandI'dratherkeepthemthansellthemforless
thantheywereworth.
Dadgavemehiscrookedsmile."Soundslikeyou'vethoughtthisthroughprettywell,"hesaid.Hetold
mehehadhisheartsetonbuyingaparticularpieceofrosequartzbutdidn'thavethesixhundred
dollarsIwascharging,soIcutthepricetofivehundredandlethimhaveitoncredit.
BrianandIlovedtogotothedump.Welookedfortreasuresamongthediscardedstovesand
refrigerators,thebrokenfurnitureandstacksofbaldtires.Wechasedafterthedesertratsthatlivedin
thewreckedcars,orcaughttadpolesandfrogsinthescumtoppedpond.Buzzardscircledoverhead,
andtheairwasfilledwithdragonfliesthesizeofsmallbirds.TherewerenotreestospeakofinBattle
Mountain,butonecornerofthedumphadhugepilesofrailroadtiesandrottinglumberthatweregreat
forclimbingandcarvingyourinitialson.WecalledittheWoods.
Toxicandhazardouswasteswerestoredinanothercornerofthedump,whereyoucouldfindold
batteries,oildrums,paintcans,andbottleswithskullsandcrossbones.BrianandIdecidedsomeof
thisstuffwouldmakeforaneatscientificexperiment,sowefilledupacoupleofboxeswithdifferent
bottlesandjarsandtookthemtoanabandonedshedwenamedourlaboratory.Atfirstwemixedthings
together,hopingtheywouldexplode,butnothinghappened,soIdecidedweshouldconductan
experimenttoseeifanyofthestuffwasflammable.
ThenextdayafterschoolwecamebacktothelaboratorywithaboxofDad'smatches.Weunscrewed
thelidsofsomeofthejars,andIdroppedinmatches,butstillnothinghappened.Sowemixedupa
batchofwhatBriancallednuclearfuel,pouringdifferentliquidsintoacan.WhenItossedinthe
match,aconeofflameshotupwithawhooshlikeajetafterburner.
BrianandIwereknockedtoourfeet.Whenwestoodup,oneofthewallswasonfire.IyelledtoBrian
thatwehadtogetoutofthere,buthewasthrowingsandatthefire,sayingthatwehadtoputitoutor
we'dgetintrouble.Theflameswerespreadingtowardthedoor,eatingupthatdryoldwoodinnotime.
Ikickedoutaboardinthebackwallandsqueezedthrough.WhenBriandidn'tfollow,Iranupthe
streetcallingforhelp.IsawDadwalkinghomefromwork.Weranbacktotheshack.Dadkickedin
moreofthewallandpulledBrianoutcoughing.
IthoughtDadwouldbefurious,buthewasn't.Hewassortofquiet.Westoodonthestreetwatchingthe
flamesdevourtheshack.Dadhadanarmaroundeachofus.Hesaiditwasanincrediblecoincidence
thathehappenedtobewalkingby.Thenhepointedtothetopofthefire,wherethesnappingyellow
flamesdissolvedintoaninvisibleshimmeryheatthatmadethedesertbeyondseemtowaver,likea
mirage.Dadtoldusthatzonewasknowninphysicsastheboundarybetweenturbulenceandorder."It's
aplacewherenorulesapply,oratleasttheyhaven'tfigured'emoutyet,"hesaid."Youallgotalittle
tooclosetoittoday."
NONEOFUSKIDSgotallowances.Whenwewantedmoney,wewalkedalongtheroadsidepicking

upbeercansandbottlesthatweredeemedfortwocentseach.BrianandIalsocollectedscrapmetal
thatwesoldtothejunkdealerforapennyapoundthreecentsapoundforcopper.Afterweredeemed
thebottlesorsoldthescrapmetal,wewalkedintotown,tothedrugstorenextdoortotheOwlClub.
Thereweresomanyrowsandrowsofdeliciouscandiestochoosefromthatwe'dspendanhourtrying
todecidehowtospendthetencentswe'deachmade.We'dpickapieceofcandyandthen,aswegot
readytopayforit,changeourmindsandpickanotherpiece,untilthemanwhoownedthestoregot
madandtoldustostopfingeringallhiscandyandmakeapurchaseandgetout.
Brian'sfavoritewasthegiantSweeTartcandies,whichhelickeduntilhistonguewassorawitbled.I
lovedchocolate,butitwasgonetooquickly,soIusuallygotaSugarDaddy,whichlastedpractically
halfthedayandalwayshadafunnypoemprintedinpinklettersonthestick,like:Tokeepyourfeet/
Fromfallingasleep/Wearloudsocks/Theycan'tbebeat.
Onourwaybackfromthecandystore,BrianandIlikedtospyontheGreenLanternabigdarkgreen
housewithasaggingporchrightnearthehighway.Momsaiditwasacathouse,butIneversawany
catsthere,onlywomenwearingbathingsuitsorshortdresseswhosatorlayoutontheporch,wavingat
thecarsthatdroveby.TherewereChristmaslightsoverthedoorallyearround,andMomsaidthatwas
howyoucouldtellitwasacathouse.Carswouldstopinfront,andmenwouldgetoutandduckinside.I
couldn'tfigureoutwhatwentonattheGreenLantern,andMomrefusedtodiscussit.Shewouldsay
onlythatbadthingshappenedthere,whichmadetheGreenLanternaplaceofirresistiblemysteryto
us.
BrianandIwouldhidebehindthesagebrushacrossthehighway,tryingtopeerinsidethefrontdoor
whensomeonewentinorout,butwecouldneverseewhatwasgoingon.Acoupleoftimeswe
sneakedupcloseandtriedtolookinthewindows,buttheywerepaintedblack.Onceawomanonthe
porchsawusinthebrushandwavedtous,andweranawayshrieking.
OnedaywhenBrianandIwerehidinginthesagebrush,spying,Idoubledaredhimtogotalktothe
womanlyingoutontheporch.Brianwasalmostsixbythen,ayearyoungerthanme,andwasn'tafraid
ofanything.Hehitcheduphispants,handedmehishalfeatenSweeTartforsafekeeping,walkedacross
thestreet,andwentrightuptothewoman.Shehadlongblackhair,hereyeswereoutlinedwithblack
mascarathickastar,andsheworeashortbluedressprintedwithblackflowers.Shehadbeenlyingon
hersideontheporchfloor,herheadproppedupononearm,butwhenBrianwalkeduptoher,she
rolledoveronherstomachandrestedherchinonherhand.
Frommyhidingplace,IcouldseethatBrianwastalkingwithher,butIcouldn'thearwhattheywere
saying.ThenshereachedoutahandtoBrian.Iheldmybreathtoseewhatthiswomanwhodidbad
thingsinsidetheGreenLanternwasgoingtodotohim.Sheputherhandonhisheadandruffledhis
hair.GrownupwomenalwaysdidthattoBrian,becausehishairwasredandhehadfreckles.It
annoyedhim;heusuallyswattedtheirhandsaway.Butnotthistime.Instead,hestayedandtalkedwith
thewomanforawhile.Whenhecamebackacrossthehighway,hedidn'tlookscaredatall.
"Whathappened?"Iasked.
"Nothingmuch,"Briansaid.

"Whatdidyoutalkabout?"
"IaskedherwhatgoesoninsidetheGreenLantern,"hesaid.
"Really?"Iwasimpressed."Whatdidshesay?"
"Nothingmuch,"hesaid."Shetoldmethatmencameinandthewomentherewerenicetothem."
"Oh,"Isaid."Anythingelse?"
"Naw,"Briansaid.Hestartedkickingatthedirtlikehedidn'twanttotalkaboutitanymore."Shewas
kindanice,"hesaid.
Afterthat,BrianwavedtothewomenontheporchoftheGreenLantern,andtheysmiledrealbigand
wavedback,butIwasstillalittleafraidofthem.
OURHOUSEINBATTLEMOUNTAINwasfilledwithanimals.Theycameandwent,straydogs
andcats,theirpuppiesandkittens,nonpoisonoussnakes,andlizardsandtortoiseswecaughtinthe
desert.Acoyotethatseemedprettytamelivedwithusforawhile,andonceDadbroughthomea
woundedbuzzardthatwenamedBuster.Hewastheugliestpetweeverowned.Wheneverwefed
Busterscrapsofmeat,heturnedhisheadsidewaysandstaredatusoutofoneangrylookingyellow
eye.Thenhe'dscreamandfranticallyflaphisgoodwing.Iwassecretlygladwhenhishurtwinghealed
andheflewaway.Everytimewesawbuzzardscirclingoverhead,Dadwouldsaythatherecognized
Busteramongthemandthathewascomingbacktothankus.ButIknewBusterwouldnevereven
considerreturning.Thatbuzzarddidn'thaveanounceofgratitudeinhim.
Wecouldn'taffordpetfood,sotheanimalshadtoeatourleftovers,andthereusuallywasn'tmuch."If
theydon'tlikeit,theycanleave,"saidMom."Justbecausetheyliveheredoesn'tmeanI'mgoingtowait
onthemhandandfoot."Momtoldusthatwewereactuallydoingtheanimalsafavorbynotallowing
themtobecomedependentonus.Thatway,ifweeverhadtoleave,they'dbeabletogetbyontheir
own.Momlikedtoencourageselfsufficiencyinalllivingcreatures.
Momalsobelievedinlettingnaturetakeitscourse.Sherefusedtokillthefliesthatalwaysfilledthe
house;shesaidtheywerenature'sfoodforthebirdsandlizards.Andthebirdsandlizardswerefoodfor
thecats."Killthefliesandyoustarvethecats,"shesaid.Lettingtheflieslive,inherview,wasthe
sameasbuyingcatfood,onlycheaper.
OnedayIwasvisitingmyfriendCarlawhenInoticedthatherhousedidn'thaveanyflies.Iaskedher
motherwhy.
Shepointedtowardashinygoldcontraptiondanglingfromtheceiling,whichsheproudlyidentifiedas
aShellNoPestStrip.Shesaiditcouldbeboughtatthefillingstationandthatherfamilyhadonein
everyroom.TheNoPestStrips,sheexplained,releasedapoisonthatkilledalltheflies.
"Whatdoyourlizardseat?"Iasked.

"Wedon'thaveanylizards,either,"shesaid.
IwenthomeandtoldMomweneededtogetaNoPestStriplikeCarla'sfamily,butsherefused."Ifit
killstheflies,"shesaid,"itcan'tbeverygoodforus."
***
DadboughtasoupedupoldFordFairlanethatwinter,andoneweekendwhentheweathergotcold,he
announcedthatweweregoingswimmingattheHotPot.TheHotPotwasanaturalsulfurspringinthe
desertnorthoftown,surroundedbycraggyrocksandquicksand.Thewaterwaswarmtothetouchand
smelledlikerotteneggs.Itwassofullofmineralsthatrough,chalkyencrustationshadbuiltupalong
theedges,likeacoralreef.DadwasalwayssayingweshouldbuytheHotPotanddevelopitasaspa.
Thedeeperyouwentintothewater,thehotteritgot.Itwasverydeepinthemiddle.Somepeople
aroundBattleMountainsaidtheHotPothadnobottomatall,thatitwentcleanthroughtothecenterof
theearth.Acoupleofdrunksandwildteenagershaddrownedthere,andpeopleattheOwlClubsaid
whentheirbodiesfloatedbacktothesurface,they'dbeenliterallyboiled.
BothBrianandLoriknewhowtoswim,butIhadneverlearned.Largebodiesofwaterscaredme.They
seemedunnaturalodditiesinthedeserttownswherewe'dlived.Wehadoncestayedatamotelwitha
swimmingpool,andIworkedupenoughnervetomakemywayaroundtheentirelengthofthepool,
clingingtotheside.ButtheHotPotdidn'thaveanyneatedgeslikethatswimmingpool.Therewas
nothingtoclingto.
Iwadedinuptomyshoulders.Thewateraroundmychestwaswarm,andtherocksIwasstandingon
feltsohotIwantedtokeepmoving.IlookedbackatDad,whowatchedme,unsmiling.Itriedtopush
outintodeeperwater,butsomethingheldmeback.Daddivedinandsplashedhiswaytowardme.
"You'regoingtolearntoswimtoday,"hesaid.
Heputanarmaroundme,andwestartedacrossthewater.Dadwasdraggingme.Ifeltterrifiedand
clutchedhisnecksotightlythathisskinturnedwhite."There,thatwasn'tsobad,wasit?"Dadasked
whenwegottotheotherside.
Westartedback,andthistime,whenwegottothemiddle,Dadpriedmyfingersfromaroundhisneck
andpushedmeaway.Myarmsflailedaround,andIsankintothehot,smellywater.Iinstinctively
breathedin.Watersurgedintomynoseandmouthanddownmythroat.Mylungsburned.Myeyes
wereopen,thesulfurstingingthem,butthewaterwasdarkandmyhairwaswrappedaroundmyface
andIcouldn'tseeanything.Apairofhandsgrabbedmearoundthewaist.Dadpulledmeintothe
shallowwater.Iwasspittingandcoughingandbreathinginunevenchokinggasps.
"That'sokay,"Dadsaid."Catchyourbreath."
WhenIrecovered,DadpickedmeupandheavedmebackintothemiddleoftheHotPot."Sinkor
swim!"hecalledout.Forthesecondtime,Isank.Thewateroncemorefilledmynoseandlungs.I
kickedandflailedandthrashedmywaytothesurface,gaspingforair,andreachedouttoDad.Buthe
pulledback,andIdidn'tfeelhishandsaroundmeuntilI'dsunkonemoretime.

Hediditagainandagain,untiltherealizationthathewasrescuingmeonlytothrowmebackintothe
watertookhold,andso,ratherthanreachingforDad'shands,Itriedtogetawayfromthem.Ikickedat
himandpushedawaythroughthewaterwithmyarms,andfinally,Iwasabletopropelmyselfbeyond
hisgrasp.
"You'redoingit,baby!"Dadshouted."You'reswimming!"
Istaggeredoutofthewaterandsatonthecalcifiedrocks,mychestheaving.Dadcameoutofthewater,
too,andtriedtohugme,butIwouldn'thaveanythingtodowithhim,orwithMom,who'dbeen
floatingonherbackasifnothingwerehappening,orwithBrianandLori,whogatheredaroundand
werecongratulatingme.Dadkepttellingmethathelovedme,thatheneverwouldhaveletmedrown,
butyoucan'tclingtothesideyourwholelife,thatonelessoneveryparentneedstoteachachildis."If
youdon'twanttosink,youbetterfigureouthowtoswim."Whatotherreason,heasked,wouldpossibly
makehimdothis?
OnceIgotmybreathback,Ifiguredhemustberight.Therewasnootherwaytoexplainit.
"BADNEWS,"LORISAIDonedaywhenIgothomefromexploring."Dadlosthisjob."
Dadhadkeptthisjobfornearlysixmonthslongerthananyother.Ifiguredwewerethroughwith
BattleMountainandthatwithinafewdays,we'dbeonthemoveagain.
"Iwonderwherewe'lllivenext,"Isaid.
Lorishookherhead."We'restayinghere,"shesaid.Dadinsistedhehadn'texactlylosthisjob.Hehad
arrangedtohavehimselffiredbecausehewantedtospendmoretimelookingforgold.Hehadallsorts
ofplanstomakemoney,sheadded,inventionshewasworkingon,oddjobshehadlinedup.Butforthe
timebeing,thingsmightgetalittletightaroundthehouse."Weallhavetohelpout,"Lorisaid.
IthoughtofwhatIcoulddotocontribute,besidescollectingbottlesandscrapmetal."I'llcuttheprices
onmyrocks,"Isaid.
Loripausedandlookeddown."Idon'tthinkthatwillbeenough,"shesaid.
"Iguesswecaneatless,"Isaid.
"Wehavebefore,"Lorisaid.
***
Wedideatless.Oncewelostourcreditatthecommissary,wequicklyranoutoffood.Sometimesone
ofDad'soddjobswouldcomethrough,orhe'dwinsomemoneygambling,andwe'deatforafewdays.
Thenthemoneywouldbegoneandtherefrigeratorwouldbeemptyagain.
Before,wheneverwewereoutoffood,Dadwasalwaysthere,fullofideasandingenuity.He'dfinda
canoftomatoesonthebackofashelfthateveryoneelsehadmissed,orhe'dgooffforanhourand
comebackwithanarmfulofvegetablesnevertellinguswherehegotthemandwhipupastew.But

nowhebegandisappearingalot.
"WhereDad?"Maureenaskedallthetime.Shewasayearandahalfold,andthesewerealmosther
firstwords.
"He'soutfindingusfoodandlookingforwork,"I'dsay.ButIwonderedifhedidn'treallywanttobe
aroundusunlesshecouldprovideforus.Itriedtonevercomplain.
IfweaskedMomaboutfoodinacasualway,becausewedidn'twanttocauseanytroubleshe'd
simplyshrugandsayshecouldn'tmakesomethingoutofnothing.Wekidsusuallykeptourhungerto
ourselves,butwewerealwaysthinkingoffoodandhowtogetourhandsonit.Duringrecessatschool,
I'dslipbackintotheclassroomandfindsomethinginsomeotherkid'slunchbagthatwouldn'tbe
missedapackageofcrackers,anappleandI'dgulpitdownsoquicklyIwouldbarelybeableto
tasteit.IfIwasplayinginafriend'syard,I'daskifIcouldusethebathroom,andifnoonewasinthe
kitchen,I'dgrabsomethingoutoftherefrigeratororcupboardandtakeitintothebathroomandeatit
there,alwaysmakingapointofflushingthetoiletbeforeleaving.
Brianwasscavenging,too.OnedayIdiscoveredhimupchuckingbehindourhouse.Iwantedtoknow
howhecouldbespewinglikethatwhenwehadn'teatenindays.Hetoldmehehadbrokenintoa
neighbor'shouseandstolenagallonjarofpickles.Theneighborhadcaughthim,butinsteadof
reportinghimtothecops,hemadeBrianeattheentirejarfulaspunishment.IhadtoswearIwouldn't
tellDad.
AcoupleofmonthsafterDadlosthisjob,hecamehomewithabagofgroceries:acanofcorn,ahalf
gallonofmilk,aloafofbread,twotinsofdeviledham,asackofsugar,andastickofmargarine.The
canofcorndisappearedwithinminutes.Somebodyinthefamilyhadstolenit,andnooneexceptthe
thiefknewwho.ButDadwastoobusymakingdeviledhamsandwichestolaunchaninvestigation.We
ateourfillthatnight,washingdownthesandwicheswithbigglassesofmilk.WhenIgotbackfrom
schoolthenextday,IfoundLoriinthekitcheneatingsomethingoutofacupwithaspoon.Ilookedin
therefrigerator.Therewasnothinginsidebutahalfgonestickofmargarine.
"Lori,whatareyoueating?"
"Margarine,"shesaid.
Iwrinkledmynose."Really?"
"Yeah,"shesaid."Mixitwithsugar.Tastesjustlikefrosting."
Imadesome.Itdidn'ttastelikefrosting.Itwassortofcrunchy,becausethesugardidn'tdissolve,andit
wasgreasyandleftafilmycoatinmymouth.ButIateitallanyway.
WhenMomgothomethatevening,shelookedintherefrigerator."Whathappenedtothestickof
margarine?"sheasked.
"Weateit,"Isaid.

Momgotangry.Shewassavingit,shesaid,tobutterthebread.Wealreadyateallthebread,Isaid.
Momsaidshewasthinkingofbakingsomebreadifaneighborwouldloanussomeflour.Ipointedout
thatthegascompanyhadturnedoffourgas.
"Well,"Momsaid."Weshouldhavesavedthemargarinejustincasethegasgetsturnedbackon.
Miracleshappen,youknow."ItwasbecauseofmyandLori'sselfishness,shesaid,thatifwehadany
bread,we'dhavetoeatitwithoutbutter.
Momwasn'tmakinganysensetome.Iwonderedifshehadbeenlookingforwardtoeatingthe
margarineherself.Andthatmademewonderifshewastheonewho'dstolenthecanofcornthenight
before,whichgotmealittlemad."Itwastheonlythingtoeatinthewholehouse,"Isaid.Raisingmy
voice,Iadded."Iwashungry."
Momgavemeastartledlook.I'dbrokenoneofourunspokenrules:Wewerealwayssupposedto
pretendourlifewasonelongandincrediblyfunadventure.Sheraisedherhand,andIthoughtshewas
goingtohitme,butthenshesatdownatthespooltableandrestedherheadonherarms.Hershoulders
startedshaking.Iwentoverandtouchedherarm."Mom?"Isaid.
Sheshookoffmyhand,andwhensheraisedherhead,herfacewasswollenandred."It'snotmyfaultif
you'rehungry!"sheshouted."Don'tblameme.DoyouthinkIlikelivinglikethis?Doyou?"
ThatnightwhenDadcamehome,heandMomgotintoabigfight.Momwasscreamingthatshewas
tiredofgettingalltheblameforeverythingthatwentwrong."Howdidthisbecomemyproblem?"she
shouted."Whyaren'tyouhelping?YouspendyourwholedayattheOwlClub.Youactlikeit'snotyour
responsibility."
Dadexplainedthathewasouttryingtoearnmoney.Hehadallsortsofprospectsthathewasonthe
brinkofrealizing.Problemwas,heneededcashtomakethemhappen.TherewasalotofgoldinBattle
Mountain,butitwastrappedintheore.Itwasnotlikethereweregoldnuggetslyingaroundforthe
Prospectortosortthrough.Hewasperfectingatechniquebywhichthegoldcouldbeleachedoutofthe
rockbyprocessingitwithacyanidesolution.Butthattookmoney.DadtoldMomsheneededtoask
hermotherforthemoneytofundthecyanideleachingprocesshewasdeveloping.
"Youwantmetobegfrommymotheragain?"Momasked.
"Goddammit,RoseMary!It'snotlikewe'reaskingforahandout,"heyelled."She'dbemakingan
investment."
Grandmawasalwayslendingusmoney,Momsaid,andshewassickofit.MomtoldDadthatGrandma
hadsaidifwecouldn'ttakecareofourselves,wecouldgoliveinPhoenix,inherhouse.
"Maybeweshould,"Momsaid.
ThatgotDadreallyangry."AreyousayingIcan'ttakecareofmyownfamily?"

"Askthem,"Momsnapped.
Wekidsweresittingontheoldpassengerbenches.Dadturnedtome.Istudiedthescuffmarksonthe
floor.
***
Theirargumentcontinuedthenextmorning.Wekidsweredownstairslyinginourboxes,listeningto
themfightingupstairs.Momwascarryingonabouthowthingshadgottensodesperatearoundthe
housethatwedidn'thaveanythingtoeatexceptmargarine,andnowthatwasgone,too.Shewassick,
shesaid,ofDad'sridiculousdreamsandhisstupidplansandhisemptypromises.
IturnedtoLori,whowasreadingabook."Tellthemthatwelikeeatingmargarine,"Isaid."Then
maybethey'llstopfighting."
Lorishookherhead."That'llmakeMomthinkwe'retakingDad'sside,"shesaid."Itwouldonlymake
itworse.Letthemworkitout."
IknewLoriwasright.TheonlythingtodowhenMomandDadfoughtwastopretenditwasn't
happeningoractlikeitdidn'tmatter.Prettysoonthey'dbefriendsagain,kissinganddancingineach
other'sarms.Butthisparticularargumentjustwouldnotstop.Aftergoingonaboutthemargarine,they
startedfightingaboutwhetherornotsomepaintingMomhaddonewasugly.Thentheyarguedabout
whosefaultitwasthatwelivedlikewedid.MomtoldDadheshouldgetanotherjob.Dadsaidthatif
Momwantedsomeoneinthefamilytobepunchingatimeclock,thenshecouldgetajob.Shehada
teachingdegree,hepointedout.Shecouldworkinsteadofsittingaroundonherbuttalldaypainting
picturesnooneeverwantedtobuy.
"VanGoghdidn'tsellanypaintings,either,"Momsaid."I'manartist!"
"Fine,"Dadsaid."Thenquityourdamnedbellyaching.OrgopeddleyourassattheGreenLantern."
MomandDad'sshoutingwassoloudthatyoucouldhearitthroughouttheneighborhood.Lori,Brian,
andIlookedatoneanother.Briannoddedatthefrontdoor,andweallwentoutsideandstartedmaking
sandcastlesforscorpions.Wefiguredthatifwewereallintheyardactinglikethefightingwasnobig
deal,maybetheneighborswouldfeelthesameway.
Butasthescreamingcontinued,neighborsstartedgatheringonthestreet.Someweresimplycurious.
MomsanddadsgotintoargumentsallthetimeinBattleMountain,soitdidn'tseemthatbigadeal,but
thisfightwasraucousevenbylocalstandards,andsomepeoplethoughttheyshouldstepinandbreakit
up."Aw,let'emworkouttheirdifferences,"oneofthemensaid."Noone'sgotarighttointerfere."So
theyleanedbackagainstcarfendersandfenceposts,orsatonpickuptailgates,asiftheywereata
rodeo.
Suddenly,oneofMom'soilpaintingscameflyingthroughanupstairswindow.Nextcamehereasel.
Thecrowdbelowscurriedbacktoavoidgettinghit.ThenMom'sfeetappearedinthewindow,followed
bytherestofherbody.Shewasdanglingfromthesecondfloor,herlegsswingingwildly.Dadwas
holdingherbythearmswhileshetriedtohithimintheface.

"Help!"Momscreamed."He'stryingtokillme!"
"Goddammit,RoseMary,getbackinhere!"Dadsaid.
"Don'thurther!"Loriyelled.
Momwasswingingbackandforth.Heryellowcottondresshadgottenbuncheduparoundherwaist,
andthecrowdcouldseeherwhiteunderwear.Theyweresortofoldandbaggy,andIwasafraidthey
mightfalloffaltogether.Someofthegrownupscalledout,worriedthatMommightfall,butonegroup
ofkidsthoughtMomlookedlikeachimpanzeeswingingfromatree,andtheybeganmakingmonkey
noisesandscratchingtheirarmpitsandlaughing.Brian'sfaceturneddarkandhisfistsclenchedup.I
feltlikepunchingthem,too,butIpulledBrianback.
Momwasthrashingaroundsohardthathershoesfelloff.ItlookedlikeshemightslipfromDad's
grasporpullhimoutthewindow.LoriturnedtoBrianandme."Comeon."Weraninsideandupthe
stairsandheldontoDad'slegssothatMom'sweightwouldn'tdraghimthroughthewindowaswell.
Finally,hepulledMombackinside.Shecollapsedontothefloor.
"Hetriedtokillme,"Momsobbed."Yourfatherwantstowatchmedie."
"Ididn'tpushher,"Dadprotested."IsweartoGodIdidn't.Shejumped."HewasstandingoverMom,
holdingouthishands,palmsup,pleadinghisinnocence.
LoristrokedMom'shairanddriedhertears.Brianleanedagainstthewallandshookhishead.
"Everything'sokaynow,"Isaidoverandoveragain.
THENEXTMORNING,insteadofsleepinglatethewaysheusuallydid,Momgotupwithuskids
andwalkedovertotheBattleMountainIntermediateSchool,whichwasacrossthestreetfromtheMary
S.BlackElementarySchool.Sheappliedforajobandwashiredrightaway,sinceshehadadegree,
andtherewereneverenoughteachersinBattleMountain.Thefewteachersthetowndidhavewerenot
exactlythepickofthelitter,asDadlikedtosay,anddespitetheshortage,onewouldgetfiredfromtime
totime.Acoupleofweeksearlier,MissPagehadgottentheaxwhentheprincipalcaughthertotinga
loadedrifledowntheschoolhall.MissPagesaidallshewantedtodowasmotivateherstudentstodo
theirhomework.
Lori'steacherhadstoppedshowinguparoundthesametimeMissPagewasfired,soMomwas
assignedtoteachLori'sclass.Herstudentsreallylikedher.Shehadthesamephilosophyabout
educatingchildrenthatshehadaboutrearingthem.Shethoughtrulesanddisciplineheldpeopleback
andfeltthatthebestwaytoletchildrenfulfilltheirpotentialwasbyprovidingfreedom.Shedidn'tcare
ifherstudentswerelateordidn'tdotheirhomework.Iftheywantedtoactout,thatwasfinewithher,as
longastheydidn'thurtanyoneelse.
Momwasallthetimehuggingherstudentsandlettingthemknowhowwonderfulandspecialshe
thoughttheywere.She'dtelltheMexicankidsnevertoletanyonesaytheyweren'tasgoodaswhite

kids.She'dtelltheNavahoandApachekidstheyshouldbeproudoftheirnobleIndianheritage.
Studentswhowereconsideredproblemkidsormentallyslowstarteddoingwell.SomefollowedMom
aroundlikestraydogs.
Eventhoughherstudentslikedher,Momhatedteaching.ShehadtoleaveMaureen,whowasnotyet
two,withawomanwhosedrugdealerhusbandwasservingtimeinthestateprison.Butwhatreally
botheredMomwasthathermotherhadbeenateacherandhadpushedMomintogettingateaching
degreesoshewouldhaveajobtofallbackonjustincaseherdreamsofbecominganartistdidn'tpan
out.MomfeltGrandmaSmithhadlackedfaithinherartistictalent,andbybecomingateachernow,
shewasacknowledgingthathermotherhadbeenrightallalong.Atnightshesulkedandmuttered
underherbreath.Inthemorningshesleptlateandpretendedtobesick.ItwasuptoLori,Brian,and
metogetheroutofbedandseetoitthatshewasdressedandatschoolontime.
"I'magrownwomannow,"Momsaidalmosteverymorning."Whycan'tIdowhatIwanttodo?"
"Teachingisrewardingandfun,"Lorisaid."You'llgrowtolikeit."
Partoftheproblemwasthattheotherteachersandtheprincipal,MissBeatty,thoughtMomwasa
terribleteacher.They'dsticktheirheadsintoherclassroomandseethestudentsplayingtagand
throwingeraserswhileMomwasupfront,spinninglikeatopandlettingpiecesofchalkflyfromher
handstodemonstratecentrifugalforce.
MissBeatty,whoworeherglassesonachainaroundherneckandhadherhairdoneatthebeauty
parloroverinWinnemuccaeveryweek,toldMomsheneededtodisciplineherstudents.MissBeatty
alsotoldMomtosubmitweeklylessonplans,keepherclassroomtidy,andgradethehomework
promptly.ButMomwasalwaysgettingconfusedandfillinginthewrongdatesonthelessonplansor
losingthehomework.
MissBeattythreatenedtofireMom,soLori,Brian,andIstartedhelpingMomwithherschoolwork.I'd
gotoherclassroomafterschoolandcleanherchalkboard,dusthererasers,andpickthepaperupoff
thefloor.AtnightLori,Brian,andIwentoverherstudents'homeworkandtests.Momletusgrade
papersthathadmultiplechoice,truefalse,andfillintheblankanswersjustaboutanythingexcept
essayquestions,whichshethoughtshehadtoevaluatebecausetheycouldbeansweredcorrectlyinall
sortsofdifferentways.Ilikedgradinghomework.IlikedknowingthatIcoulddowhatgrownupsdid
foraliving.LorialsohelpedMomwithherlessonplans.She'dmakesureMomfilledthemin
accurately,andshe'dcorrectMom'sspellingandmath.
"Mom,doubleLsinHalloween,"Lorisaid,erasingMom'swritingandpencilinginthechanges.
"DoubleEsaswell,andnosilentEattheend."
MommarveledathowbrilliantLoriwas."LorigetsstraightAs,"sheoncetoldme.
"SodoI,"Isaid.
"Yes,butyouhavetoworkforthem."

Momwasright,Loriwasbrilliant.IthinkhelpingMomlikethatwasoneofLori'sfavoritethingsinthe
world.Shewasn'tveryathleticanddidn'tlikeexploringasmuchasBrianandIdid,butsheloved
anythinghavingtodowithpencilandpaper.AfterMomandLorifinishedthelessonplans,they'dsit
aroundthespooltable,sketchingeachotherandcuttingoutmagazinephotosofanimalsandlandscapes
andpeoplewithwrinkledfacesandputtingtheminMom'sfolderofpotentialpaintingsubjects.
LoriunderstoodMombetterthananyone.Itdidn'tbotherherthatwhenMissBeattyshowedupto
observeMom'sclass,MomstartedyellingatLoritoprovetoMissBeattythatshewascapableof
discipliningherstudents.OnetimeMomwentsofarastoorderLoriuptothefrontoftheclass,where
shegaveherawhippingwithawoodenpaddle.
"Wereyouactingup?"IaskedLoriwhenIheardaboutthewhipping.
"No,"Lorisaid.
"ThenwhywouldMompaddleyou?"
"Shehadtopunishsomeone,andshedidn'twanttoupsettheotherkids,"Lorisaid.
ONCEMOMSTARTEDTEACHING,Ithoughtmaybewe'dbeabletobuynewclothes,eat
cafeterialunches,andevenspringforniftyextrasliketheclasspicturestheschooltookeveryyear.
MomandDadhadneverbeenabletobuytheclasspicturesforus,thoughacoupleoftimes,Mom
secretlysnippedasnapshotoutofthepacketbeforereturningit.DespiteMom'ssalary,wedidn'tbuy
theclasspicturesthatyearorevenstealthembutthatwasprobablyjustaswell.Momhadread
somewherethatmayonnaisewasgoodforyourhair,andthemorningthephotographerwascomingto
school,sheslatheredafewspoonfulsonmine.Shedidn'trealizeyouweresupposedtowashoutthe
mayonnaise,andinthepicturethatyearIwaspeeringoutfromunderonestiffshingleofhair.
Still,thingsdidimprove.EventhoughDadhadbeenfiredfromthebaritemine,wewereableto
continuelivinginthedepotbypayingrenttotheminingcompany,sincenotalotofotherfamilieswere
vyingfortheplace.Wenowhadfoodinthefridge,atleastuntilitgottowardtheendofthemonth,
whenweusuallyranoutofmoneybecauseneitherMomnorDadevermasteredtheartofbudgeting.
ButMom'ssalarycreatedawholenewsetofproblems.WhileDadlikeditthatMomwasbringing
homeapaycheck,hesawhimselfastheheadofthehousehold,andhemaintainedthatthemoney
shouldbeturnedovertohim.Itwashisresponsibility,he'dsay,tohandlethefamilyfinances.Andhe
neededmoneytofundhisgoldleachingresearch.
"Theonlyresearchyou'redoingisontheliver'scapacitytoabsorbalcohol,"Momsaid.Still,shefound
ithardtostraightoutdefyDad.Forsomereason,shedidn'thaveitinhertosaynotohim.Ifshetried,
he'dargueandwheedleandsulkandbullyandplainwearherdown.Sosheresortedtoevasivetactics.
She'dtellDadshehadn'tcashedherpaycheckyet,orshe'dpretendshe'dleftitatschoolandhideit
untilshecouldsneakofftothebank.Thenshe'dpretendshe'dlostallthemoney.
PrettysoonDadtooktoshowingupatschoolonpayday,waitingoutsideinthecar,andtakingusall

straighttoWinnemucca,wherethebankwaslocated,soMomcouldcashherpaycheckimmediately.
DadinsistedonescortingMomintothebank.Momhaduskidscomealongsoshecouldtrytoslip
someofthecashtousfirst.Backinthecar,DadwouldgothroughMom'spurseandtakethemoney
out.
Ononetrip,MomwentintothebankalonebecauseDadcouldn'tfindaplacetopark.Whenshecame
out,shewasmissingasock."Jeannette,I'mgoingtogiveyouasockthatIwantyoutoputinasafe
place,"Momsaidonceshegotinthecar.Shewinkedhardatmeasshereachedinsideherbraand
pulledoutherothersock,knottedinthemiddleandbulgingatthetoe."Hideitwherenoonecangetit,
becauseyouknowhowscarcesockscangetinourhouse."
"Goddammit,RoseMary,"Dadsnapped."DoyouthinkI'mafuckingidiot?"
"What?"Momasked,throwingherarmsupintheair."AmInotallowedtogivemydaughterasock?"
Shewinkedatmeagain,justincaseIdidn'tgetit.
BackinBattleMountain,DadinsistedwegototheOwlClubtocelebratepayday,andorderedsteaks
forallofus.Theytastedsogoodweforgotwewereeatingaweek'sworthofgroceries."Hey,Mountain
Goat,"Dadsaidattheendofthedinner,whileMomwasputtingourtablescrapsinherpurse."Why
don'tyouletmeborrowthatsockforasecond?"
Ilookedaroundthetable.NoonemetmyeyeexceptDad,whowasgrinninglikeanalligator.Ihanded
overthesock.Momgaveadramaticsighofdefeatandletherheaddropdownonthetable.Toshow
whowasincharge,Dadleftthewaitressatendollartip,butonthewayout,Momslippeditintoher
purse.
***
Soonwewereoutofmoneyagain.WhenDaddroppedBrianandmeoffatschool,henoticedthatwe
weren'tcarryinglunchbags.
"Whereareyourlunches?"Dadaskedus.
Welookedateachotherandshrugged.
"There'snofoodinthehouse,"Briansaid.
WhenDadheardthat,heactedoutraged,asthoughhe'dlearnedforthefirsttimethathischildrenwere
goinghungry.
"Dammit,thatRoseMarykeepsspendingmoneyonartsupplies!"hemuttered,pretendingtobetalking
tohimself.Thenhedeclaredmoreloudly."Nochildofminehastogohungry!"Afterhedroppedus
off,hecalledafterus."Don'tyoukidsworryaboutathing."
AtlunchBrianandIsattogetherinthecafeteria.Iwaspretendingtohelphimwithhishomeworkso
thatnoonewouldaskuswhyweweren'teatingwhenDadappearedinthedoorway,carryingabig
grocerybag.Isawhimscanningtheroom,lookingforus."Myyoung'unsforgottotaketheirlunchto
schooltoday,"heannouncedtotheteacheroncafeteriadutyashewalkedtowardus.Hesetthebagon

thetableinfrontofBrianandmeandtookoutaloafofbread,awholepackageofbologna,ajarof
mayonnaise,ahalfgallonjugoforangejuice,twoapples,ajarofpickles,andtwocandybars.
"HaveIeverletyoudown?"heaskedBrianandmeandthenturnedandwalkedaway.
InavoicesolowthatDaddidn'thearhim,Briansaid."Yes."
***
"Dadhastostartcarryinghisweight,"Lorisaidasshestaredintotheemptyrefrigerator.
"Hedoes!"Isaid."Hebringsinmoneyfromoddjobs."
"Hespendsmorethanheearnsonbooze,"Briansaid.Hewaswhittling,theshavingsfallingtothe
floorrightoutsidethekitchenwherewewerestanding.Brianhadtakentocarryingapocketknifewith
himatalltimes,andheoftenwhittledpiecesofscrapwoodwhenhewasworkingsomethingoutinhis
head.
"It'snotallforbooze,"Isaid."Mostofit'sforresearchoncyanideleaching."
"Daddoesn'tneedtodoresearchonleaching,"Briansaid."He'sanexpert."HeandLoricrackedup.I
glaredatthem.IknewmoreaboutDad'ssituationthantheydidbecausehetalkedtomemorethan
anyoneelseinthefamily.We'dstillgoDemonHuntinginthedeserttogether,foroldtime'ssake,since
bythenIwassevenandtoogrownuptobelieveindemons.Dadtoldmeaboutallhisplansandshowed
mehispagesofgraphsandcalculationsandgeologicalcharts,depictingthelayersofsedimentwhere
thegoldwasburied.
HetoldmeIwashisfavoritechild,buthemademepromisenottotellLoriorBrianorMaureen.Itwas
oursecret."Iswear,honey,therearetimeswhenIthinkyou'retheonlyonearoundwhostillhasfaithin
me,"hesaid."Idon'tknowwhatI'ddoifyoueverlostit."ItoldhimthatIwouldneverlosefaithin
him.AndIpromisedmyselfIneverwould.
***
AfewmonthsafterMomhadstartedworkingasateacher,BrianandIpassedbytheGreenLantern.
Thecloudsabovethesettingsunwerestreakedscarletandpurple.Thetemperaturewasdropping
quickly,fromsearinghottochillywithinamatterofminutes,likeitalwaysdidinthedesertatdusk.A
womanwithafringedshawldrapedoverhershoulderswassmokingacigaretteontheGreenLantern's
frontporch.ShewavedatBrian,buthedidn'twaveback.
"Yoohoo!Brian,it'sme,sugar!Ginger!"shecalled.
Brianignoredher.
"Who'sthat?"Iasked.
"SomefriendofDad's,"hesaid."She'sdumb."
"Whyisshedumb?"

"Shedoesn'tevenknowallthewordsinaSadSackcomicbook,"Briansaid.
HetoldmethatDadhadtakenhimoutforhisbirthdayawhileback.Inthedrugstore,DadhadletBrian
pickoutwhateverpresenthewanted,soBrianchoseaSadSackcomicbook.Thentheywenttothe
NevadaHotel,whichwasneartheOwlClubandhadasignoutsidesayingBARGRILLCLEAN
MODERN.TheyhaddinnerwithGinger,whokeptlaughingandtalkingrealloudandtouchingboth
DadandBrian.Thenallthreeclimbedthestairstooneofthehotelrooms.Itwasasuite,withasmall
frontroomandabedroom.DadandGingerwentintothebedroomwhileBrianstayedinthefrontroom
andreadhisnewcomicbook.Later,whenDadandGingercameout,shesatdownnexttoBrian.He
didn'tlookup.Hekeptstaringatthecomicbook,eventhoughhe'dalreadyreaditallthewaythrough
twice.GingerdeclaredthatshelovedSadSack.SoDadmadeBriangiveGingerthecomicbook,telling
himitwasthegentlemanlythingtodo.
"Itwasmine!"Briansaid."Andshekeptaskingmetoreadthebiggerwords.She'sagrownup,andshe
can'tevenreadacomicbook."
BrianhadtakensuchapowerfuldisliketoGingerthatIrealizedshemusthavedonesomethingmore
thanshanghaihiscomicbook.IwonderedifhehadfiguredoutsomethingaboutGingerandtheother
ladiesattheGreenLantern.MaybeheknewwhyMomsaidtheywerebad.Maybethatwaswhyhewas
mad."DidyoulearnwhattheydoinsidetheGreenLantern?"Iasked.
Brianstaredoffahead.Itriedtoseewhathewaslookingat,buttherewasnothingthereexceptforthe
TuscaroraMountainsrisinguptomeetthedarkeningsky.Thenheshookhishead."Shemakesalotof
money,"hesaid."andsheshouldbuyherowndarncomicbook."
SOMEPEOPLELIKEDtomakefunofBattleMountain.Abignewspaperouteastoncehelda
contesttofindtheugliest,mostforlorn,mostgodforsakentowninthewholecountry,anditdeclared
BattleMountainthewinner.Thepeoplewholivedtheredidn'tholditinmuchregard,either.They'd
pointtothebigyellowandredsignwayuponapoleattheShellstationtheonewiththeburnedout
Sandsaywithasortofperversepride."Yep,that'swherewelive:hell!"
ButIwashappyinBattleMountain.We'dbeentherefornearlyayear,andIconsideredithomethe
firstrealhomeIcouldremember.Dadwasonthevergeofperfectinghiscyanidegoldprocess,Brian
andIhadthedesert,LoriandMompaintedandreadtogether,andMaureen,whohadsilkywhiteblond
hairandawholegangofimaginaryfriends,washappyrunningaroundwithnodiaperon.Ithoughtour
daysofpackingupanddrivingoffinthemiddleofthenightwereover.
***
Justaftermyeighthbirthday,BillyDeelandhisdadmovedintotheTracks.Billywasthreeyearsolder
thanme,tallandskinnywithasandycrewcutandblueeyes.Buthewasn'thandsome.Thethingabout
Billywasthathehadalopsidedhead.BerthaWhitefoot,ahalfIndianwomanwholivedinashacknear
thedepotandkeptaboutfiftydogsfencedinheryard,saiditwasbecauseBilly'smomhadn'tturned
himoveratallwhenhewasababy.Hejustlaythereinthesamepositiondayinanddayout,andthe
sideofhisheadthatwaspressedagainstthemattressgotalittleflat.Youdidn'tnoticeitallthatmuch
unlessyoulookedathimstraighton,andnotalotofpeopledid,becauseBillywasalwaysmoving

aroundlikehewasitchy.HekepthisMarlborosrolledupinoneofhisTshirtsleeves,andhelithis
cigaretteswithaZippolighterstampedwithapictureofanakedladybendingover.
Billylivedwithhisdadinahousemadeoftarpaperandcorrugatedtin,downthetracksfromour
house.Henevermentionedhismomandmadeitclearthatyouweren'tsupposedtobringherup,soI
neverknewifshehadrunoffordied.Hisdadworkedinthebaritemineandspenthiseveningsatthe
OwlClub,soBillyhadalotofunsupervisedtimeonhishands.
BerthaWhitefoottooktocallingBilly."thedevilwithacrewcut"and."theterroroftheTracks."She
claimedhesetfiretoacoupleofherdogsandskinnedsomeneighborhoodcatsandstrungtheirnaked
pinkbodiesuponaclotheslinetomakejerky.BillysaidBerthawasabigfatliar.Ididn'tknowwhom
tobelieve.Afterall,BillywasacertifiedJDjuveniledelinquent.Hehadtoldusthathespenttimein
adetentioncenterinRenoforshopliftingandvandalizingcars.ShortlyafterhemovedtotheTracks,
Billystartedfollowingmearound.Hewasalwayslookingatmeandtellingtheotherkidshewasmy
boyfriend.
"No,he'snot!"Iwouldyell,thoughIsecretlylikeditthathewantedtobe.
Afewmonthsafterhe'dmovedtotown,Billytoldmehewantedtoshowmesomethingreallyfunny.
"Ifit'saskinnedcat,Idon'twanttoseeit,"Isaid.
"Naw,itain'tnothinglikethat,"hesaid."It'sreallyfunny.You'lllaughandlaugh.Ipromise.Unless
you'rescared."
"'CourseI'mnotscared,"Isaid.
ThefunnythingBillywantedtoshowmewasinhishouse,whichwasdarkinsideandsmelledlikepee,
andwasevenmessierthanourhouse,althoughinadifferentway.Ourhousewasfilledwithstuff:
papers,books,tools,lumber,paintings,artsupplies,andstatuesofVenusdeMilopaintedalldifferent
colors.TherewashardlyanythinginBilly'shouse.Nofurniture.Notevenwoodenspooltables.Ithad
onlyoneroomwithtwomattressesonthefloornexttoaTV.Therewasnothingonthewalls,nota
singlepaintingordrawing.Anakedlightbulbhungfromtheceiling,rightnexttothreeorfourdangling
spiralstripsofflypapersothickwithfliesthatyoucouldn'tseethestickyyellowsurfaceunderneath.
EmptybeercansandwhiskeybottlesandafewhalfeatentinsofViennasausageslitteredthefloor.On
oneofthemattresses,Billy'sfatherwassnoringunevenly.Hismouthhungopen,andflieswere
gatheredinthestubbleofhisbeard.Awetstainhaddarkenedhispantsnearlytohisknees.Hiszipper
wasundone,andhisgrosspenisdangledtooneside.Istaredquietly,thenasked."What'sthefunny
thing?"
"Don'tyousee?"saidBilly,pointingathisdad."Hepissedhimself!"Billystartedlaughing.
Ifeltmyfaceturninghot."You'renotsupposedtolaughatyourownfather,"Isaidtohim."Ever."
"Aw,now,don'tgogetallhighandmightyonme,"Billysaid."Don'tgoandtryandpretendyou're
betterthanme.'CauseIknowyourdaddyain'tnothingbutadrunklikemine."

IhatedBillyatthatmoment,Ireallydid.IthoughtoftellinghimaboutbinarynumbersandtheGlass
CastleandVenusandallthethingsthatmademydadspecialandcompletelydifferentfromhisdad,but
IknewBillywouldn'tunderstand.Istartedtorunoutofthehouse,butthenIstoppedandturned
around.
"Mydaddyisnothinglikeyourdaddy!"Ishouted."Whenmydaddypassesout,heneverpisses
himself!"
***
Atdinnerthatnight,IstartedtellingeveryoneaboutBillyDeel'sdisgustingdadandtheuglydumpthey
livedin.
Momputdownherfork."Jeannette,I'mdisappointedinyou,"shesaid."Youshouldshowmore
compassion."
"Why?"Isaid."He'sbad.He'saJD."
"Nochildisbornadelinquent,"Momsaid.Theyonlybecamethatway,shewenton,ifnobodyloved
themwhentheywerekids.Unlovedchildrengrowuptobecomeserialmurderersoralcoholics.Mom
lookedpointedlyatDadandthenbackatme.ShetoldmeIshouldtrytobenicertoBilly."Hedoesn't
havealltheadvantagesyoukidsdo,"shesaid.
***
ThenexttimeIsawBilly,ItoldhimI'dbehisfriendbutnothisgirlfriendifhepromisednotto
makefunofanyone'sdad.Billypromised.Buthekepttryingtobemyboyfriend.HetoldmethatifI'd
behisgirlfriend,hewouldalwaysprotectmeandmakesurenothingbadeverhappenedtomeandbuy
meexpensivepresents.IfIwouldn'tbehisgirlfriend,hesaid,I'dbesorry.Itoldhimifhedidn'twantto
bejustfriends,finewithme,Iwasn'tscaredofhim.
Afteraboutaweek,IwashangingoutwithsomeotherkidsfromtheTracks,watchinggarbageburnin
abigrustytrashcan.Theywereallthrowinginpiecesofbrushtokeepthefiregoing,pluschunksof
tiretreads,andwecheeredatthethickblackrubbersmokethatmadeournosesstingasitrolledpastus
intotheair.
Billycameuptomeandpulledmyarm,motioningmeawayfromtheotherkids.Hedugintohis
pocketandpulledoutaturquoiseandsilverring."It'sforyou,"hesaid.
Itookitandturneditoverinmyhand.MomhadacollectionofturquoiseandsilverIndianjewelrythat
shekeptatGrandma'shousesoDadwouldn'tpawnit.Mostofitwasantiqueandveryvaluablesome
manfromamuseuminPhoenixkepttryingtobuypiecesfromherandwhenwevisitedGrandma,
MomwouldletmeandLoriputontheheavynecklacesandbraceletsandconchabelts.Billy'sring
lookedlikeoneofMom's.IranitacrossmyteethandtonguelikeMomhadtaughtmeto.Icouldtell
bytheslightlybittertastethatitwasrealsilver.
"Where'dyougetthis?"Iasked.

"Itusedtobemymom's,"Billysaid.
Itsurewasaprettyring.Ithadasimplethinbandandanovalshapedpieceofdarkturquoiseheldin
placebysnakingsilverstrands.Ididn'thaveanyjewelryandithadbeenalongtimesinceanyonehad
givenmeapresent,exceptfortheplanetVenus.
Itriedonthering.Itwaswaytoobigformyfinger,butIcouldwrapyarnaroundthebandthewayhigh
schoolgirlsdidwhentheyworetheirboyfriend'srings.Iwasafraid,however,thatifItookthering,
BillymightstartthinkingthatIhadagreedtobehisgirlfriend.He'dtellalltheotherkids,andifIsaid
itwasn'ttrue,he'dpointtothering.Ontheotherhand,IfiguredMomwouldapprove,sinceaccepting
itwouldmakeBillyfeelgoodabouthimself.Idecidedtocompromise.
"I'llkeepit,"Isaid."ButI'mnotgoingtowearit."
Billy'ssmilespreadallacrosshisface.
"Butdon'tthinkthismeanswe'reboyfriendandgirlfriend,"Isaid."Anddon'tthinkthismeansyoucan
kissme."
***
Ididn'ttellanyoneaboutthering,notevenBrian.Ikeptitinmypantspocketduringtheday,andat
nightIhiditinthebottomofthecardboardboxwhereIkeptmyclothes.
ButBillyDeelhadtogoandshoothismouthoffaboutgivingmethering.Hestartedtellingtheother
kidsthingslikehow,assoonasIwasoldenough,meandhimweregoingtogetmarried.WhenIfound
outwhathewassaying,Iknewacceptingtheringhadbeenabigmistake.IalsoknewIshouldreturn
it.ButIdidn't.Imeantto,andeverymorningI'dputitinmypocketwiththeintentionofgivingitback,
butIcouldn'tbringmyselftodoit.Thatringwastoodarnpretty.
Afewweekslater,Iwasplayinghideandseekalongthetrackswithsomeoftheneighborhoodkids.I
foundtheperfecthidingplace,asmalltoolshedbehindaclumpofsagebrushthatnoonehadhidin
before.ButjustasthekidwhowasItwasfinishingcounting,thedooropenedandsomeoneelsetried
togetin.ItwasBillyDeel.Hehadn'tevenbeenplayingwithus.
"Youcan'thidewithme,"Ihissedathim."You'resupposedtofindyourownplace."
"It'stoolate,"hesaid."He'salmostdonecounting."
Billycrawledinside.Theshedwastiny,withbarelyenoughroomforonepersontofitincrouchedover.
Iwasn'tabouttosayso,butbeingthatclosetoBillyscaredme."It'stoocrowded!"Iwhispered."You
gottaleave."
"No,"Billysaid."Wecanfit."Herearrangedhislegssotheywerepressedupagainstmine.Wewereso
closeIcouldfeelhisbreathonmyface.
"It'stoocrowded,"Isaidagain."Andyou'rebreathingonme."

Hepretendednottohearme."YouknowwhattheydointheGreenLantern,don'tyou?"heasked.
IcouldhearthemuffledshoutsoftheotherkidsbeingchasedbytheboywhowasIt.IwishedIhadn't
chosensuchagoodhidingplace."Sure,"Isaid.
"What?"
"Thewomenarenicetothemen."
"Butwhatdotheydo?"Hepaused."See,youdon'tknow."
"Ido,"Isaid.
"Wantmetotellyou?"
"Iwantyoutofindyourownhidingplace."
"Theystartbykissing,"hesaid."Everkissedanyone?"
Inthenarrowraysoflightthatshotthroughthegapsinthesidesoftheshed,Icouldseetheringsof
dirtaroundhisskinnyneck."OfcourseIhave.Lotsoftimes."
"Who?"
"Mydad."
"Yourdaddoesn'tcount.Someonenotinyourfamily.Andwithyoureyesclosed.Itdoesn'tcount
unlessyoureyesareclosed."
ItoldBillythatwasaboutthedumbestthingI'deverheard.Ifyoureyeswereclosed,youcouldn'tsee
whoyouwerekissing.
BillysaidtherewasanawfullotaboutmenandwomenIdidn'tknow.Hesaidsomemenstuckknives
intowomenwhiletheywerekissingthem,especiallyifthewomenwerebeingmeananddidn'twantto
bekissed.Buthetoldmehe'dneverdothattome.Heputhisfaceupnexttomine.
"Closeyoureyes,"hesaid.
"Noway,"Isaid.
Billysmushedhisfaceagainstmine,thengrabbedmyhairandmademyheadbendsidewaysandstuck
histongueinmymouth.Itwasslimyanddisgusting,butwhenItriedtopullaway,hepushedintoward
me.ThemoreIpulled,themorehepushed,untilhewasontopofmeandIfelthisfingerstuggingat
myshorts.Hisotherhandwasunbuttoninghisownpants.Tostophim,Iputmyhanddownthere,and
whenItouchedit,Iknewwhatitwas,eventhoughIhadnevertouchedonebefore.

Icouldn'tkneehiminthegroinlikeDadhadtoldmetoifaguyjumpedonme,becausemykneeswere
outsidehislegs,soIbithimhardontheear.Itmusthavehurt,becauseheyelledandhitmeintheface.
Bloodstartedgushingoutofmynose.
Theotherkidsheardtheruckusandcamerunning.Oneofthemopenedthesheddoor,andBillyandI
scrambledout,pullingonourclothes.
"IkissedJeannette!"Billyyelled.
"Didnot!"Isaid."He'saliar!Wejustgotintoafight,that'sall."
Hewasaliar,Itoldmyselfalltherestoftheday.Ihadn'treallykissedhim,oratleastitdidn'tcount.
Myeyeshadbeenopentheentiretime.
***
ThenextdayItooktheringtoBillyDeel'shouse.Ifoundhimoutback,sittinginanabandonedcar.Its
redpainthadbeenbleachedbythedesertsunandhadturnedorangealongtherustingtrim.Thetires
hadcollapsedalongtimeago,andtheblackragroofwaspeeling.Billywassittinginthedriver'sseat,
makingenginenoisesinhisthroatandpretendingtoworkaphantomstickshift.
Istoodnearby,waitingforhimtoacknowledgeme.Hedidn't,soIspokefirst."Idon'twanttobeyour
friend,"Isaid."AndIdon'twantyourringanymore."
"Idon'tcare,"hesaid."Idon'twantit,either."Hekeptlookingstraightaheadthroughthecracked
windshield.Ireachedthroughtheopenwindow,droppedtheringinhislap,andturnedandwalked
away.Iheardtheclickandclunkofthecardooropeningandclosingbehindme.Ikeptwalking.ThenI
feltasharpstingonthebackofmyheadasifalittlerockhadhitme.Billyhadthrowntheringatme.I
keptwalking.
"Guesswhat?"Billyshouted."Irapedyou!"
Iturnedaroundandsawhimstandingtherebythecar,lookinghurtandangrybutnotastallasusual.I
searchedmymindforacuttingcomeback,butsinceIdidn'tknowwhat."rape"meant,allIcouldthink
tosaywas."Bigdeal!"
AthomeIlookedupthewordinthedictionary.ThenIlookedupthewordsthatexplainedit,and
thoughIstillcouldn'tfigureitoutcompletely,Iknewitwasn'tgood.Usually,whenIdidn'tunderstand
aword,I'daskDadaboutit,andwe'dreadoverthedefinitiontogetheranddiscussit.Ididn'twanttodo
thatnow.Ihadahunchitwouldcauseproblems.
***
ThenextdayLori,Brian,andIweresittingatoneofthespooltablesinthedepot,playingfivecard
drawandkeepinganeyeonMaureenwhileMomandDadspentsomedowntimeattheOwlClub.We
heardBillyDeeloutside,callingmyname.Lorilookedatme,andIshookmyhead.Wewentbackto
ourcardgame,butBillykepton,soLoriwentoutontheporch,whichwastheoldplatformwhere
peopleusedtoboardthetrain,andtoldBillytogoaway.Shecamebackinandsaid."He'sgotagun."

LoripickedupMaureen.Oneofthewindowsshattered,andthenBillyappearedframedinit.Heused
thebuttofhisrifletoknockouttheremainingpiecesofglass,thenpointedthebarrelinside.
"It'sjustaBBgun,"Briansaid.
"Itoldyouyou'dbesorry,"Billysaidtomeandpulledthetrigger.Itfeltlikeawasphadstungmein
theribs.Billystartedfiringatusall,workingthepumpactionquicklybackandforthbeforeeachshot.
Brianpushedoverthespooltableandweallcrouchedbehindit.
TheBBspingedoffthetabletop.Maureenwashowling.IturnedtoLori,whowastheoldestandin
charge.Shewasbitingherlowerlip,thinking.ShehandedMaureentomeandtookoffrunningacross
theroom.BillygotheronceortwiceBrianstooduptotrytodrawthefirebutshemadeitupstairs
tothesecondfloor.Thenshecamedownagain.ShehadDad'spistol,andshepointeditdeadatBilly.
"That'sjustatoy,"Billysaid,buthisvoicewasalittleshaky.
"It'sreal,allright!"Ishouted."It'smydad'sgun!"
"Ifitis,"hesaid."sheain'tgotthecojonestouseit."
"Tryme,"Loritoldhim.
"Goon,then,"Billysaid."Shootmeandseewhathappens."
Loriwasn'tasgoodashotasme,butshepointedtheguninBilly'sgeneraldirectionandpulledthe
trigger.Isqueezedmyeyesshutattheexplosion,andwhenIopenedthem,Billyhaddisappeared.
Weallranoutside,wonderingifBilly'sbloodsoakedbodywouldbelyingontheground,buthehad
duckedunderthewindow.Whenhesawus,hehightaileditdownthestreetalongthetracks.Hegot
aboutfiftyyardsawayandstartedshootingatusagainwithhisBBgun.IyankedthepistoloutofLori's
hand,aimedlow,andpulledthetrigger.IwastoocarriedawaytoholdthegunthewayDadhadtaught
me,andtherecoilnearlypulledmyshoulderoutofitssocket.Thedirtkickedupafewfeetinfrontof
Billy.Hejumpedwhatseemedaboutthreefeetupintheairandbrokeintoadeadrundownthetracks.
Weallstartedlaughing,butitseemedfunnyonlyforasecondortwo,andthenwestoodtherelooking
atoneanotherinsilence.IrealizedmyhandwasshakingsobadIcouldhardlyholdthegun.
***
Alittlewhilelater,asquadcarpulledupoutsidethedepot,andMomandDadgotout.Theirfaceswere
grave.Anofficergotoutalsoandwalkedalongsidethemtothedoor.Wekidswereallsittinginsideon
thebencheswearingpolite,respectfulexpressions.Theofficerlookedateachofusindividually,asif
countingus.IclaspedmyhandsinmylaptoshowIwaswellbehaved.
Dadsquattedinfrontofus,onekneetothefloor,hisarmsfoldedacrosstheotherknee,cowboystyle.
"Sowhathappenedhere?"heasked.
"Itwasselfdefense,"Ipipedup.Dadhadalwayssaidthatselfdefensewasajustifiablereasonfor

shootingsomeone.
"Isee,"Dadsaid.
Thepolicemantoldusthatsomeoftheneighborshadreportedseeingkidsshootinggunsateachother,
andhewantedtoknowwhathadhappened.WetriedtoexplainthatBillyhadstartedit,thatwe'dbeen
provokedandweredefendingourselvesanddidn'tevenaimtokill,butthecopwasn'tinterestedinthe
nuancesofthesituation.HetoldDadthatthewholefamilywouldneedtocomedowntothecourthouse
thenextmorningandseethemagistrate.BillyDeelandhisdadwouldbethere,too.Themagistrate
wouldgettothebottomofthematteranddecidewhatmeasuresneededtobetaken.
"Arewegoingtobesentaway?"Brianaskedtheofficer.
"That'suptothemagistrate,"hesaid.
ThatnightMomandDadspentalongtimeupstairstalkinginlowvoiceswhilewekidslayinour
boxes.Finally,lateintheevening,theycamedown,theirfacesstillgrave.
"We'regoingtoPhoenix,"Dadsaid.
"When?"Iasked.
"Tonight."
***
Dadallowedeachofustobringonlyonething.Iranoutsidewithapaperbagtogatherupmyfavorite
rocks.WhenIreturned,holdingtheheavybagatthebottomsoitwouldn'tsplit,DadandBrianwere
arguingovertheplasticjacko'lanternfilledwithgreenplasticarmysoldiersthatBrianwantedto
bring.
"You'rebringingtoys?"Dadasked.
"YousaidIcouldtakeonething,andthisismything,"Briansaid.
"Thisismyonething,"Isaid,holdingupthebag.Lori,whowasbringingTheWizardofOz,objected,
sayingthatarockcollectionwasn'tonethingbutseveralthings.Itwouldbelikeherbringingherentire
bookcollection.IpointedoutthatBrian'sarmysoldierswereacollection."Andanyway,it'snotthe
entirerockcollection.Justthebestones."
Dad,whousuallylikeddebatesonquestionssuchaswhetherabagofthingsisonething,wasnotinthe
moodandtoldmetherocksweretooheavy."Youcanbringone,"hesaid.
"ThereareplentyofrocksinPhoenix,"Momadded.
Ipickedoutasinglegeode,itsinsidescoatedwithtinywhitecrystals,andhelditinbothhands.Aswe
pulledout,Ilookedthroughtherearwindowforonelastglimpseofthedepot.Dadhadlefttheupstairs
lighton,andthesmallwindowglowed.Ithoughtofallthoseotherfamiliesofminersandprospectors

whohadcometoBattleMountainhopingtofindgoldandwhohadtoleavetownlikeuswhentheir
luckranout.Dadsaidhedidn'tbelieveinluck,butIdid.We'dhadastreakofitinBattleMountain,
andIwishedithadheld.
WepassedtheGreenLantern,withtheChristmaslightstwinklingoveritsdoor,andtheOwlClub,with
thewinkingneonowlinachef'shat,andthenwewereoutinthedesert,thelightsofBattleMountain
disappearingbehindus.Inthepitchblacknight,therewasnothingtolookatbuttheroadahead,litby
thecar'sheadlights.
GRANDMASMITH'SBIGwhitehousehadgreenshuttersandwassurroundedbyeucalyptustrees.
InsideweretallFrenchdoorsandPersiancarpetsandahugegrandpianothatwouldpracticallydance
whenGrandmaplayedherhonkytonkmusic.WheneverwestayedwithGrandmaSmith,shebrought
meintoherbedroomandsatmedownatthevanitytable,whichwascoveredwithlittlepastelcolored
bottlesofperfumesandpowders.WhileIopenedthebottlesandsniffedthem,she'dtrytorunherlong
metalcombthroughmyhair,cursingoutofthecornerofhermouthbecauseitwassotangled."Doesn't
thatgoddamnlazyassmotherofyoursevercombyourhair?"sheoncesaid.IexplainedthatMom
believedchildrenshouldberesponsiblefortheirowngrooming.Grandmatoldmemyhairwastoolong
anyway.Sheputabowlonmyhead,cutoffallthehairbeneathit,andtoldmeIlookedlikeaflapper.
ThatwaswhatGrandmausedtobe.Butaftershehadhertwochildren,MomandouruncleJim,she
becameateacherbecauseshedidn'ttrustanyoneelsetoeducatethem.Shetaughtinaoneroom
schoolhouseinatowncalledYampi.Momhatedbeingtheteacher'sdaughter.Shealsohatedtheway
hermotherconstantlycorrectedherbothathomeandatschool.GrandmaSmithhadstrongopinions
aboutthewaythingsoughttobedonehowtodress,howtotalk,howtoorganizeyourtime,howto
cookandkeephouse,howtomanageyourfinancesandsheandMomfoughteachotherfromthe
beginning.MomfeltthatGrandmaSmithnaggedandbadgered,settingrulesandpunishmentsfor
breakingtherules.ItdroveMomcrazy,anditwasthereasonsheneversetrulesforus.
ButIlovedGrandmaSmith.Shewasatall,leathery,broadshoulderedwomanwithgreeneyesanda
strongjaw.ShetoldmeIwasherfavoritegrandchildandthatIwasgoingtogrowuptobesomething
special.Ievenlikedallofherrules.Ilikedhowshewokeusupeverymorningatdawn,shouting,"Rise
andshine,everybody!"andinsistedwewashourhandsandcombourhairbeforeeatingbreakfast.She
madeushotCreamofWheatwithrealbutter,thenoversawuswhileweclearedthetableandwashed
thedishes.Afterward,shetookusalltobuynewclothes,andwe'dgotoamovielikeMaryPoppins.
Now,onthewaytoPhoenix,Istoodupinthebackofthecarandleanedoverthefrontseatbetween
MomandDad."ArewegoingtogostaywithGrandma?"Iasked.
"No,"Momsaid.Shelookedoutthewindow,butnotatanythinginparticular.Thenshesaid.
"Grandma'sdead."
"What?"Iasked.I'dheardher,butIwassothrownIfeltlikeIhadn't.
Momrepeatedherself,stilllookingoutthewindow.IglancedbackatLoriandBrian,buttheywere
sleeping.Dadwassmoking,hiseyesontheroad.Icouldn'tbelieveI'dbeensittingtherethinkingof

GrandmaSmith,lookingforwardtoeatingCreamofWheatandhavinghercombmyhairandcuss,and
allalongshe'dbeendead.IstartedhittingMomontheshoulder,hard,andaskingwhyshehadn'ttold
us.Finally,Dadhelddownmyfistswithhisfreehand,theotherholdingbothhiscigaretteandthe
steeringwheel,andsaid."That'senough,MountainGoat."
MomseemedsurprisedthatIwassoupset.
"Whydidn'tyoutellus?"Iasked.
"Theredidn'tseemanypoint,"shesaid.
"Whathappened?"Grandmahadbeenonlyinhersixties,andmostpeopleinherfamilyliveduntilthey
wereaboutahundred.
Thedoctorssaidshe'ddiedfromleukemia,butMomthoughtitwasradioactivepoisoning.The
governmentwasalwaystestingnuclearbombsinthedesertneartheranch,Momsaid.SheandJimused
togooutwithaGeigercounterandfindrocksthatticked.Theystoredtheminthebasementandused
sometomakejewelryforGrandma.
"There'snoreasontogrieve,"Momsaid."We'veallgottogosomeday,andGrandmahadalifethatwas
longerandfullerthanmost."Shepaused."Andnowwehaveaplacetolive."
MomexplainedthatGrandmaSmithhadownedtwohouses,theoneshelivedinwiththegreenshutters
andFrenchdoors,andanolderhouse,madeofadobe,indowntownPhoenix.SinceMomwastheolder
ofthetwochildren,GrandmaSmithhadaskedherwhichhouseshewantedtoinherit.Thehousewith
thegreenshutterswasmorevaluable,butMomhadchosentheadobehouse.ItwasnearPhoenix's
businessdistrict,whichmadeitaperfectplaceforMomtostartanartstudio.She'dalsoinheritedsome
money,soshecouldgiveupteachingandbuyalltheartsuppliesshewanted.
She'dbeenthinkingweshouldmovetoPhoenixeversinceGrandmadiedafewmonthsback,butDad
hadrefusedtoleaveBattleMountainbecausehewassoclosetoabreakthroughinhiscyanideleaching
process.
"AndIwas,"Dadsaid.
Momgaveasnortofalaugh."SothetroubleyoukidsgotintowithBillyDeelwasactuallyablessing
indisguise,"shesaid."MyartcareerisgoingtoflourishinPhoenix.Icanjustfeelit."Sheturned
aroundtolookatme."We'reoffonanotheradventure,Jeannettiekins.Isn'tthiswonderful?"Mom's
eyeswerebright."I'msuchanexcitementaddict!"
WHENWEPULLEDUPinfrontofthehouseonNorthThirdStreet,Icouldnotbelievewewere
actuallygoingtolivethere.Itwasamansion,practically,sobigthatGrandmaSmithhadhadtwo
familieslivinginit,bothpayingherrent.Wehadtheentireplacetoourselves.Momsaidthatithad
beenbuiltalmostahundredyearsagoasafort.Theoutsidewalls,coveredwithwhitestucco,were
threefeetthick."ThesesurewouldstopanyIndians'arrows,"IsaidtoBrian.

Wekidsranthroughthehouseandcountedfourteenrooms,includingthekitchensandbathrooms.
TheywerefilledwiththethingsMomhadinheritedfromGrandmaSmith:adarkSpanishdiningtable
witheightmatchingchairs,ahandcarveduprightpiano,sideboardswithantiquesilverservingsets,
andglassfrontedcabinetsfilledwithGrandma'sbonechina,whichMomdemonstratedwasthefinest
qualitybyholdingaplateuptothelightandshowingustheclearsilhouetteofherhandthroughit.
Thefrontyardhadapalmtree,andthebackyardhadorangetreesthatgrewrealoranges.We'dnever
livedinahousewithtrees.Iparticularlylovedthepalmtree,whichmademethinkIhadarrivedat
somekindofoasis.Therewerealsohollyhocksandoleanderbusheswithpinkandwhiteflowers.
Behindtheyardwasashedasbigassomeofthehouseswehadlivedin,andnexttotheshedwasa
parkingspacebigenoughfortwocars.Weweredefinitelymovingupintheworld.
***
ThepeoplelivingonNorthThirdStreetweremostlyMexicansandIndianswhohadmovedintothe
neighborhoodafterthewhitesleftforthesuburbsandsubdividedthebigoldhousesintoapartments.
Thereseemedtobeacoupleofdozenpeopleineachhouse,mendrinkingbeersfrompaperbags,
youngmothersnursingbabies,oldladiessunningthemselvesonthesagging,weatheredporches,and
hordesofkids.
AllthekidsaroundNorthThirdStreetwenttotheCatholicschoolatSt.Mary'sChurch,aboutfive
blocksaway.Mom,however,saidnunswerekilljoyswhotookthefunoutofreligion.Shewantedusto
gotoapublicschoolcalledEmerson.Althoughwelivedoutsidethedistrict,Mombeggedandcajoled
theprincipaluntilheallowedustoenroll.
Wewerenotonthebusroute,anditwasabitofahiketoschool,butnoneofusmindedthewalk.
Emersonwasinafancyneighborhoodwithstreetscanopiedbyeucalyptustrees,andtheschool
buildinglookedlikeaSpanishhacienda,witharedterracottaroof.Itwassurroundedbypalmtrees
andbananatrees,and,whenthebananasripened,thestudentsallgotfreebananasatlunch.The
playgroundatEmersonwascoveredwithlushgreengrasswateredbyasprinklersystem,andithad
moreequipmentthanI'deverseen:seesaws,swings,amerrygoround,ajunglegym,tetherballs,and
arunningtrack.
MissShaw,theteacherinthethirdgradeclassIwasassignedto,hadsteelygrayhairandpointy
rimmedglassesandasternmouth.WhenItoldherI'dreadalltheLauraIngallsWilderbooks,she
raisedhereyebrowsskeptically,butafterIreadaloudfromoneofthem,shemovedmeintoareading
groupforgiftedchildren.
Lori'sandBrian'steachersalsoputthemingiftedreadinggroups.Brianhatedit,becausetheotherkids
wereolderandhewasthelittlestguyintheclass,butLoriandIweresecretlythrilledtobecalled
special.Insteadoflettingonthatwefeltthatway,however,wemadelightofit.WhenwetoldMomand
Dadaboutourreadinggroups,wepausedbeforetheword."gifted,"claspingourhandsbeneathour
chins,flutteringoureyelids,andpretendingtolookangelic.
"Don'tmakeamockeryofit,"Dadsaid."'Courseyou'respecial.Haven'tIalwaystoldyouthat?"
BriangaveDadasidewayslook."Ifwe'resospecial,"hesaidslowly,"whydon'tyou"Hiswords

peteredout.
"What?"Dadasked."What?"
Brianshookhishead."Nothing,"hesaid.
***
Emersonhaditsveryownnursewhogavethethreeofusearandeyeexams,ourfirstever.Iacedthe
tests."Eagleeyesandelephantears,"thenursesaidbutLoristruggledtryingtoreadtheeyechart.
ThenursedeclaredherseverelyshortsightedandsentMomanotesayingsheneededglasses.
"Nosiree,"Momsaid.Shedidn'tapproveofglasses.Ifyouhadweakeyes,Mombelieved,theyneeded
exercisetogetstrong.Thewayshesawit,glasseswerelikecrutches.Theypreventedpeoplewithfeeble
eyesfromlearningtoseetheworldontheirown.Shesaidpeoplehadbeentryingtogethertowear
glassesforyears,andshehadrefused.ButthenursesentanothernotesayingLoricouldn'tattend
Emersonunlesssheworeglasses,andtheschoolwouldpayforthem,soMomgavein.
Whentheglasseswereready,weallwentdowntotheoptometrist.Thelensesweresothicktheymade
Lori'seyeslookbigandbuggedout,likefisheyes.Shekeptswivelingherheadaroundandupand
down.
"What'sthematter?"Iasked.Insteadofanswering,Loriranoutside.Ifollowedher.Shewasstandingin
theparkinglot,gazinginaweatthetrees,thehouses,andtheofficebuildingsbehindthem.
"Youseethattreeoverthere?"shesaid,pointingatasycamoreaboutahundredfeetaway.Inodded.
"Icannotonlyseethattree,Icanseetheindividualleavesonit."Shelookedatmetriumphantly."Can
youseethem?"
Inodded.
Shedidn'tseemtobelieveme."Theindividualleaves?Imean,notjustthebranchesbuteachlittle
leaf?"
Inodded.Lorilookedatmeandthenburstintotears.
Onthewayhome,shekeptseeingforthefirsttimeallthesethingsthatmosteveryoneelsehadstopped
noticingbecausethey'dseenthemeveryday.Shereadstreetsignsandbillboardsaloud.Shepointedout
starlingsperchedonthetelephonewires.Wewentintoabankandshestaredupatthevaultedceiling
anddescribedtheoctagonalpatterns.
Athome,LoriinsistedthatItryonherglasses.Theywouldblurmyvisionasmuchastheycorrected
hers,shesaid,soI'dbeabletoseethingsasshealwayshad.Iputontheglasses,andtheworld
dissolvedintofuzzy,blotchyshapes.Itookafewstepsandbangedmyshinonthecoffeetable,and
thenIrealizedwhyLorididn'tliketogoexploringasmuchasBrianandIdid.Shecouldn'tsee.
LoriwantedMomtotryontheglasses,too.Momslippedthemonand,blinking,lookedaroundthe

room.Shestudiedoneofherownpaintingsquietly,thenhandedtheglassesbacktoLori.
"Didyouseebetter?"Iasked.
"Iwouldn'tsaybetter,"Momanswered."I'dsaydifferent."
"Maybeyoushouldgetapair,Mom."
"IliketheworldjustfinethewayIseeit,"shesaid.
ButLorilovedseeingtheworldclearly.Shestartedcompulsivelydrawingandpaintingallthe
wondrousthingsshewasdiscovering,likethewayeachcurvedtileonEmerson'sroofcastitsown
curvedshadowonthetilebelow,andthewaythesettingsunpaintedtheunderbelliesofthecloudspink
butleftthepileduptopspurple.
NotlongafterLorigotherglasses,shedecidedshewantedtobeanartist,likeMom.
***
Assoonaswe'dsettledintothehouse,Momthrewherselfintoherartcareer.Sheerectedabigwhite
signinthefrontyardonwhichshehadcarefullypainted,inblackletterswithgoldoutlines,R.M.
WALLSARTSTUDIO.Sheturnedthetwofrontroomsofthehouseintoastudioandgallery,andshe
usedtwobedroomsinthebacktowarehousehercollectedworks.Anartsuppliesstorewasthreeblocks
away,onNorthFirstStreet,andthankstoMom'sinheritance,wewereabletomakeregularshopping
expeditionstothestore,bringinghomerollsofcanvasthatDadstretchedandstapledontowooden
frames.Wealsobroughtbackoilpaints,watercolors,acrylics,gesso,asilkscreeningframe,indiaink,
paintbrushesandpennibs,charcoalpencils,pastels,fancyragpaperforpasteldrawings,andevena
woodenmannequinwithmovablejointswhomwenamedEdwardandwho,Momsaid,wouldposefor
herwhenwekidswereoffatschool.
Momdecidedthatbeforeshecouldgetdowntoanyseriouspainting,sheneededtocompileathorough
artreferencelibrary.Sheboughtdozensofbiglooseleafbindersandlotsofpacksoflinedpaper.Every
subjectwasgivenitsownbinder:dogs,cats,horses,farmanimals,woodlandanimals,flowers,fruits
andvegetables,rurallandscapes,urbanlandscapes,men'sfaces,women'sfaces,men'sbodies,women's
bodies,andhandsfeetbottomsandothermiscellaneousbodyparts.Wespenthoursandhoursgoing
througholdmagazines,lookingforinterestingpictures,andwhenwespottedonewethoughtmightbe
aworthysubjectofapainting,weheldituptoMomforapproval.Shestudieditforasecondand
okayedornixedit.Ifthephotomadethegrade,wecutitout,glueditonapieceoflinedpaper,and
reinforcedtheholesinthepaperwithadhesiveOssothepagewouldn'ttearout.Thenwegotoutthe
appropriatethreeringedbinder,addedthenewphotograph,andsnappedtheringsshut.Inexchangefor
ourhelponherreferencelibrary,Momgaveusallartlessons.
Momwasalsohardatworkonherwriting.Sheboughtseveraltypewritersmanualsandelectricsso
she'dhavebackupsshouldherfavoritebreakdown.Shekepttheminherstudio.Sheneversold
anythingshewrote,butfromtimetotimeshereceivedanencouragingrejectionletter,andshe
thumbtackedthosetothewall.Whenwekidscamehomefromschool,she'dusuallybeinherstudio
working.Ifitwasquiet,shewaspaintingorcontemplatingpotentialsubjects.Ifthetypewriterkeys
wereclatteringaway,shewasatworkononeofhernovels,poems,plays,shortstories,orherillustrated

collectionofpithysayingsonewas."Lifeisabowlofcherries,withafewnutsthrownin"which
she'dtitled."R.M.Walls'sPhilosophyofLife."
***
Dadjoinedthelocalelectricians'union.Phoenixwasbooming,andhelandedajobprettyquickly.He
leftthehouseinthemorningwearingayellowhardhatandbigsteeltoedboots,whichIthoughtmade
himlookextrahandsome.Becauseoftheunion,hewasmakingsteadiermoneythanwe'deverseen.On
hisfirstpayday,hecamehomeandcalledusallintothelivingroom.Wekidshadleftourtoysoutin
theyard,hedeclared.
"No,sir,wedidn't,"Isaid.
"Ithinkyoudid,"hesaid."Gooutandtakealook."
Werantothefrontdoor.Outsideintheyard,parkedinarow,werethreebrandnewbicyclesabigred
oneandtwosmallerones,ablueboy'sbikeandapurplegirl'sbike.
Ithoughtatfirstthatsomeotherkidsmusthaveleftthemthere.WhenLoripointedoutthatDadhad
obviouslyboughtthemforus,Ididn'tbelieveher.Wehadneverhadbicycleswehadlearnedtoride
onotherkids'bikesandithadneveroccurredtomethatonedayImightactuallyownonemyself.
Especiallyanewone.
Iturnedaround.Dadwasstandinginthedoorwaywithhisarmscrossedandaslygrinonhisface.
"Thosebikesaren'tforus,arethey?"Iasked.
"Well,they'retoodamnsmallforyourmotherandme,"hesaid.
LoriandBrianhadclimbedontheirbikesandwereridingupanddownthesidewalk.Istaredatmine.
Itwasshinypurpleandhadawhitebananaseat,wirebasketsontheside,chromehandlebarsthatswept
outlikesteerhorns,andwhiteplastichandleswithpurpleandsilvertassels.Dadkneltbesideme.
"Likeit?"heasked.
Inodded.
"Youknow,MountainGoat,IstillfeelbadaboutmakingyouleaveyourrockcollectionbackinBattle
Mountain,"hesaid."Butwehadtotravellight."
"Iknow,"Isaid."Itwasmorethanonething,anyway."
"I'mnotsosure,"Dadsaid."Everydamnthingintheuniversecanbebrokendownintosmallerthings,
evenatoms,evenprotons,sotheoreticallyspeaking,Iguessyouhadawinningcase.Acollectionof
thingsshouldbeconsideredonething.Unfortunately,theorydon'talwayscarrytheday."
Werodeourbicycleseverywhere.Sometimesweattachedplayingcardstotheforkswithclothespins,
andtheyflappedagainstthespokeswhenthewheelsturned.NowthatLoricouldsee,shewasthe
navigator.Shegotacitymapfromagasstationandplottedoutourroutesinadvance.Wepedaledpast
theWestwardHoHotel,downCentralAvenuewheresquarefacedIndianwomensoldbeaded

necklacesandmoccasinsonrainbowcoloredserapesthey'dspreadonthesidewalk.Wepedaledto
Woolworth's,whichwasbiggerthanallthestoresinBattleMountainputtogether,andplayedtaginthe
aislesuntilthemanagerchasedusout.WegotGrandmaSmith'soldwoodentennisracketsandpedaled
offtoPhoenixUniversity,wherewetriedtoplaytenniswiththedeadballsotherpeoplehadleft
behind.WepedaledtotheCivicCenter,whichhadalibrarywherethelibrariansrecognizedusbecause
wewenttheresomuch.Theyhelpedusfindbookstheythoughtwe'dlike,andwefilledupthewire
basketsonourbicyclesandpedaledhomerightdownthemiddleofthesidewalks,asifweownedthe
place.
***
SinceMomandDadhadallthismoney,wegotourowntelephone.Wehadneverownedatelephone
before,andwheneveritrang,wekidsallscrambledforit.Whoevergottherefirstsummonedupa
supersnootyEnglishaccent:"Wallsresidence,thebutlerspeaking,mayIhelpyou?"whiletherestof
uscrackedup.
WealsohadabigrecordplayerinawoodencabinetthathadbeenGrandma's.Youcouldputastackof
recordsonit,andwhenonewasfinishedplaying,theneedlearmautomaticallyswungoutandthenext
recorddroppeddownwithahappyslap.MomandDadlovedmusic,especiallyrousingstuffthatmade
youwanttogetupanddance,oratleastswayyourheadortapyourfoot.Momwasalwaysgoingto
thriftstoresandcomingbackwitholdalbumsofpolkamusic,Negrospirituals,Germanmarching
bands,Italianoperas,andcattleroundupsongs.Shealsoboughtboxesofusedhighheelsthatshe
calledherdancingshoes.She'dsliponapairofdancingshoes,putastackofrecordsonthe
phonograph,andcrankthevolumewayup.Daddancedwithherifhewasthere;otherwiseshe'ddance
alone,waltzingorjitterbuggingordoingtheTexastwostepfromroomtoroom,thehousefilledwith
thesoundsofMarioLanza,oroompahingtubas,orsomemournfulcowboysinging."TheStreetsof
Laredo."
MomandDadalsoboughtanelectricwashingmachinethatwekeptoutonthepatio.Itwasawhite
enameltubuponlegs,andwefilleditwithwaterfromthegardenhose.Abigagitatortwistedbackand
forth,makingtheentiremachinedancearoundonthecementpatio.Ithadnocycles,soyouwaited
untilthewatergotdirty,thenputtheclothesthroughthewringertworubberrollingpinsriggedabove
thetubthatwereturnedbyamotor.Torinsetheclothes,you'drepeattheprocesswithoutsoap,thenlet
thewaterdrainintotheyardtohelpthegrassgrow.
Despiteourwondrousappliances,lifeinPhoenixwasn'ttotalluxury.Wehadaboutagazillion
cockroaches,big,strongthingswithshinywings.Wehadjustafewatfirst,butsinceMomwasnot
exactlyacompulsivecleaner,theymultiplied.Afterawhile,entirearmieswerescuttlingacrossthe
wallsandthefloorsandthekitchencounters.InBattleMountain,we'dhadlizardstoeatthefliesand
catstoeatthelizards.Wecouldn'tthinkofanyanimalthatlikedtoeatroaches,soIsuggestedwebuy
roachspray,likeallourneighborsdid,butMomwasopposedtochemicalwarfare.Itwaslikewith
thoseShellNoPeststrips,shesaid;we'denduppoisoningourselves,too.
Momdecidedhandtohandcombatwasthebesttactic.Weconductedroachmassacresinthekitchenat
night,becausethatwaswhentheycameoutinforce.Wearmedourselveswithrolledupmagazinesor
shoeseventhoughIwasonlynine,IalreadyworesizetenshoesthatBriancalled."roachkillers"
andsneakedintothekitchen.Momthrewthelightswitch,andwekidsallstartedtheassault.Youdidn't
evenhavetoaim.Wehadsomanyroachesthatifyouhitanyflatsurface,youweresuretotakeoutat

leastafew.
Thehousealsohadtermites.Wediscoveredthisafewmonthsafterwemovedin,whenLori'sfoot
crashedthroughthespongywoodfloorinthelivingroom.Afterinspectingthehouse,Daddecidedthat
thetermiteinfestationwassoseverenothingcouldbedoneaboutit.We'dhavetocoexistwiththe
critters.Sowewalkedaroundtheholeinthelivingroomfloor.
Butthewoodwaschewedthrougheverywhere.Wekeptsteppingonsoftspotsinthefloorboards,
crashingthrough,andcreatingnewholes."Damnedifthisfloorisn'tstartingtolooklikeapieceof
Swisscheese,"Dadsaidoneday.Hetoldmetofetchhimhiswirecutters,ahammer,andsomeroofing
nails.Hefinishedoffthebeerhewasdrinking,snippedthecanopenwithhiswirecutters,hammeredit
flat,andnaileditoverthehole.Heneededmorepatches,hesaid,sohehadtogooutandbuyanother
sixpack.Afterhepolishedoffeachbeer,heusedthecantorepaironeoftheholes.Andwhenevera
newholeappeared,he'dgetouthishammer,downabeer,anddoanotherpatchjob.
AlOTOFOURNEIGHBORSonNorthThirdStreetwerekindofweird.AclanofGypsieslived
downtheblockinabig,fallingaparthousewithplywoodnailedovertheporchtocreatemoreindoor
space.Theywerealwaysstealingourstuff,andonetime,afterBrian'spogostickhaddisappeared,he
sawoneoftheoldGypsywomenbouncingdownthesidewalkonit.Shewouldn'tgiveitback,soMom
gotintoabigargumentwiththeheadoftheclan,andthenextdaywefoundachickenwithitsthroat
cutonourdoorstep.ItwassomekindofGypsyhex.Momdecided,assheputit,tofightmagicwith
magic.ShetookahamboneoutofthebeansandwentdowntotheGypsies'house,wavingitintheair.
Standingonthesidewalk,sheheldupthebonelikeacrucifixatanexorcism,andcalleddownacurse
ontheentireGypsyclanandtheirhouse,vowingthatitwouldcollapsewiththelotoftheminitand
thatthebowelsoftheearthwouldopenupandswallowthemforeveriftheybotheredusagain.The
nextmorningBrian'spogostickwaslyinginthefrontyard.
Theneighborhoodalsohaditsshareofperverts.Mostly,theywereshabby,hunchedmenwith
wheedlingvoiceswhohungaroundonstreetcornersandfollowedustoandfromschool,tryingtogive
usboostswhenweclimbedafence,offeringuscandyandloosechangeifwewouldgoplaywiththem.
Wecalledthemcreepsandholleredatthemtoleaveusalone,butIworriedabouthurtingtheirfeelings
becauseIcouldn'thelpwonderingifmaybetheyweretellingthetruth,thatalltheywantedwastobe
ourfriends.
AtnightMomandDadalwaysleftthefrontdoorandthebackdoorandallthewindowsopen.Sincewe
hadnoairconditioning,theyexplained,weneededtolettheaircirculate.Fromtimetotime,avagrant
orawinowouldwanderthroughthefrontdoor,assumingthehousewasdeserted.Whenwewokeupin
themorning,we'dfindoneasleepinafrontroom.Assoonaswerousedthem,theyshambledoff
apologetically.Momalwaysassuredustheywerejustharmlessdrunks.
Maureen,whowasfourandhadaterriblefearofbogeymen,keptdreamingthatintrudersinHalloween
maskswerecomingthroughtheopendoorstogetus.OnenightwhenIwasalmostten,Iwasawakened
bysomeonerunninghishandsovermyprivateparts.Atfirstitwasconfusing.LoriandIsleptinthe
samebed,andIthoughtmaybeshewasmovinginhersleep.Igroggilypushedthehandaway.

"Ijustwanttoplayagamewithyou,"aman'svoicesaid.
Irecognizedthevoice.Itbelongedtoascragglyguywithsunkencheekswhohadbeenhangingaround
NorthThirdStreetrecently.He'dtriedtowalkushomefromschoolandhadgivenBrianamagazine
calledKidsonaFarm,withpicturesofboysandgirlswearingonlyunderpants.
"Pervert!"Iyelledandkickedattheman'shand.Briancamerunningintotheroomwithahatchethe
keptbyhisbed,andthemanboltedoutthedoor.Dadwasoutthatnight,andwhenMomslept,shewas
deadtotheworld,soBrianandIranafterthemanourselves.Aswegottothesidewalk,litbythe
purplishglowfromthestreetlights,hedisappearedaroundthecorner.Wesearchedforhimforafew
blocks,Brianwhackingatthebusheswithhishatchet,butwecouldn'tfindhim.Onourwayhome,we
wereslappingeachother'shandsandpumpingourfistsintheair,asifwe'dwonaboxingmatch.We
decidedwehadbeenPervertHunting,whichwasjustlikeDemonHuntingexcepttheenemywasreal
anddangerousinsteadofbeingtheproductofakid'soveractiveimagination.
Thenextday,whenDadcamehomeandwetoldhimwhathadhappened,hesaidhewasgoingtokill
thatlowlifesonofabitch.HeandBrianandIwentoutonaseriousPervertHunt.Ourbloodup,we
searchedthestreetsforhours,butweneverdidfindtheguy.IaskedMomandDadifweshouldclose
thedoorsandwindowswhenwewenttosleep.Theywouldn'tconsiderit.Weneededthefreshair,they
said,anditwasessentialthatwerefusetosurrendertofear.
Sothewindowsstayedopen.MaureenkepthavingnightmaresofmeninHalloweenmasks.Andevery
nowandthen,whenBrianandIwerefeelingrevvedup,he'dgetamacheteandI'dgetabaseballbat
andwe'dgoPervertHunting,clearingthestreetsofthecreepswhopreyedonkids.
***
MomandDadlikedtomakeabigpointaboutneversurrenderingtofearortoprejudiceortothe
narrowmindedconformiststicksinthemudwhotriedtotelleveryoneelsewhatwasproper.Wewere
supposedtoignorethosebenightedsheep,asDadcalledthem.OnedayMomwentwithuskidstothe
libraryattheCivicCenter.Sincetheweatherwassweltering,shesuggestedwecooloffbyjumping
intothefountaininfrontofthebuilding.Thewaterwastooshallowtoswimin,butwepaddledaround
pretendingtobecrocodilesuntilweattractedasmallcrowdofpeoplewhokeptinsistingtoMomthat
swimmingwasforbiddeninthefountain.
"Mindyourownbeeswax,"Momreplied.Iwasfeelingkindofembarrassedandstartedtoclimbout.
"Ignorethefuddyduddies!"Momtoldme,andtomakeitclearshepaidnonevermindtosuchpeople
ortheiropinions,sheclamberedintothefountainandploppeddownbesideus,sendinggallonsofwater
sloshingoverthesides.
ItneverbotheredMomifpeopleturnedandstaredather,eveninchurch.Althoughshethoughtnuns
werekilljoysandshedidn'tfollowalltheChurch'sruleswordforwordshetreatedtheTen
CommandmentsmoreliketheTenSuggestionsMomconsideredherselfadevoutCatholicandtook
ustomassmostSundays.St.Mary'swasthebiggest,mostbeautifulchurchIhadeverseen.Itwasmade
ofsandcoloredadobeandhadtwosoaringsteeples,agiganticcircularstainedglasswindow,and,
leadinguptothetwomaindoors,apairofsweepingstaircasescoveredwithpigeons.Theother
mothersdressedupformass,wearingblacklacemantillasontheirheadsandclutchinggreenorredor
yellowhandbagsthatmatchedtheirshoes.Momthoughtitwassuperficialtoworryabouthowyou

looked.ShesaidGodthoughtthesameway,soshe'dgotochurchintornorpaintsplatteredclothes.It
wasyourinnerspiritandnotyouroutwardappearancethatmattered,shesaid,andcomehymntime,
sheshowedthewholecongregationherspirit,beltingoutthewordsinsuchapowerfulvoicethat
peopleinthepewsinfrontofuswouldturnaroundandstare.
ChurchwasparticularlyexcruciatingwhenDadcamealong.DadhadbeenraisedBaptist,buthedidn't
likereligionanddidn'tbelieveinGod.Hebelievedinscienceandreason,hesaid,notsuperstitionand
voodoo.ButMomhadrefusedtohavechildrenunlessDadagreedtoraisethemasCatholicsandto
attendchurchhimselfonholydaysofobligation.
Dadsatinthepewfumingandshiftingaroundandtryingtobitehistonguewhilethepriestcarriedon
aboutJesusresurrectingLazarusfromthedeadandthecommunicantsfileduptoeatthebodyand
drinkthebloodofChrist.Finally,whenDadwasunabletostanditanylonger,he'dshoutoutsomething
tochallengethepriest.Hedidn'tdoittobehostile.Heholleredouthispointinafriendlytone:"Yo,
Padre!"he'dsay.ThepriestusuallyignoredDadandtriedtogoonwithhissermon,butDadpersisted.
He'dchallengethepriestaboutthescientificimpossibilityofthemiracles,andwhenthepriest
continuedtoignorehim,he'dgetmadandyelloutsomethingaboutPopeAlexanderVI'sbastard
children,orPopeLeoX'shedonism,orPopeNicholasIII'ssimony,orthemurderscommittedinthe
nameoftheChurchduringtheSpanishInquisition.Butwhatcouldyouexpect,he'dsay,froman
institutionrunbycelibatemenwhoworedresses.Atthatpointtheusherswouldtelluswe'dhaveto
leave.
"Don'tworry,Godunderstands,"Momsaid."Heknowsthatyourfatherisacrosswemustbear."
CITYLIFEWASGETTINGtoDad."I'mstartingtofeellikearatinamaze,"hetoldme.Hehated
thewayeverythinginPhoenixwassoorganized,withtimecards,bankaccounts,telephonebills,
parkingmeters,taxforms,alarmclocks,PTAmeetings,andpollstersknockingonthedoorandprying
intoyouraffairs.Hehatedallthepeoplewholivedinairconditionedhouseswiththewindows
permanentlysealed,anddroveairconditionedcarstoninetofivejobsinairconditionedoffice
buildingsthathesaidwerelittlemorethangussiedupprisons.Justthesightofthosepeopleontheir
waytoworkmadehimfeelhemmedinanditchy.Hebegancomplainingthatwewereallgettingtoo
soft,toodependentoncreaturecomforts,andthatwewerelosingtouchwiththenaturalorderofthe
world.
Dadmissedthewilderness.Heneededtoberoamingfreeinopencountryandlivingamonguntamed
animals.Hefeltitwasgoodforyoursoultohavebuzzardsandcoyotesandsnakesaround.Thatwasthe
waymanwasmeanttolive,he'dsay,inharmonywiththewild,liketheIndians,notthislordsofthe
earthcrap,tryingtoruletheentiregoddamnplanet,cuttingdownalltheforestsandkillingevery
creatureyoucouldn'tbringtoheel.
Onedayweheardontheradiothatawomaninthesuburbshadseenamountainlionbehindherhouse
andhadcalledthepolice,whoshottheanimal.Dadgotsoangryheputhisfistthroughawall."That
mountainlionhadasmuchrighttohislifeasthatsouroldbiddydoestohers,"hesaid."Youcan'tkill
somethingjustbecauseit'swild."

Dadstewedforawhile,suckingonabeer,andthenhetoldusalltogetinthecar.
"Wherearewegoing?"Iasked.Wehadn'tbeenonasingleexpeditionsincewemovedtoPhoenix.I
missedthem.
"I'mgoingtoshowyou,"hesaid."thatnoanimal,nomatterhowbigorwild,isdangerousaslongas
youknowwhatyou'redoing."
Weallpiledintothecar.Daddrove,nursinganotherbeerandcussingunderhisbreathaboutthat
innocentmountainlionandthechickenshitsuburbanite.Weturnedinatthecityzoo.Noneofuskids
hadeverbeentoazoobefore,andIdidn'treallyknowwhattoexpect.Lorisaidshethoughtzoos
shouldbeoutlawed.Mom,whohadMaureeninonearmandhersketchpadundertheother,pointed
outthattheanimalshadtradedfreedomforsecurity.Shesaidthatwhenshelookedatthem,shewould
pretendnottoseethebars.
Attheentrancegate,Dadboughtourtickets,mutteringabouttheidiocyofpayingmoneytolookat
animals,andledusdownthewalk.Mostofthecageswerepatchesofdirtsurroundedbyironbars,with
forlorngorillasorrestlessbearsorirritablemonkeysoranxiousgazelleshuddledinthecorners.Alot
ofthekidswerehavingfun,gawkingandlaughingandthrowingpeanutsattheanimals,butthesightof
thosepoorcreaturesmademythroatswellup.
"I'vegothalfamindtosneakinheresomenightandfreethesecritters,"Dadsaid.
"CanIhelp?"Iasked.
Hemussedmyhair."Meandyou,MountainGoat,"hesaid."We'llcarryoutourownanimalprison
break."
Westoppedatabridge.Belowit,inadeeppit,alligatorssunnedthemselvesonrockssurroundinga
pond."Thebiddywhogotthatmountainlionshotdidn'tunderstandanimalpsychology,"Dadsaid."If
youletthemknowyou'renotafraid,they'llleaveyoualone."
Dadpointedtothebiggest,scaliestalligator."Meandthatnastylookingbastard'sgoingtohaveusa
staringcontest."Dadstoodonthebridgegloweringatthealligator.Atfirstitseemedtobeasleep,but
thenitblinkedandlookedupatDad.Dadcontinuedstaring,hiseyesinafiercesquint.Afteraminute
thealligatorthrasheditstail,lookedaway,andslidintothewater."See,youjusthavetocommunicate
yourposition,"Dadsaid.
"Maybehewouldhavegoneforaswimanyway,"Brianwhispered.
"Whatdoyoumean?"Iasked."Didn'tyouseehownervousthatgatorgot?Dadmadehimdoit."
WefollowedDadtothelion'sden,butthelionsweresleeping,soDadsaidweshouldleavethemalone.
TheaardvarkwasbusyHooveringupants,andDadsaidyoushouldn'tdisturbeatinganimals,sowe
passeditbyandwentontothecheetah'scage,whichwasaboutasbigasourlivingroomand
surroundedbyachainfence.Thelonecheetahpacedbackandforth,themusclesinhisshoulders

shiftingwitheachstep.Dadfoldedhisarmsonhischestandstudiedthecheetah."He'sagoodanimal
fastestfourfootedcreatureontheplanet,"hedeclared."Nothappyaboutbeinginthisdamncage,
buthe'sresignedtoit,andhe'snolongerangry.Let'sseeifhe'shungry."
Dadtookmetotheconcessionstand.Hetoldtheladyrunningitthathehadararemedicalcondition
andcouldn'teatcookedmeatsohe'dliketobuyarawhamburger."Yeah,right,"thesalesclerksaid.She
toldDadthezoodidnotallowthesaleofuncookedmeat,becausefoolishpeopletriedtofeedittothe
animals.
"I'dliketofeedherlardasstotheanimals,"Dadmuttered.Heboughtmeabagofpopcorn,andwe
returnedtothecheetahcage.Dadsquattedoutsidethefenceoppositethecheetah.Theanimalcame
closertothebarsandstudiedhimcuriously.Dadkeptlookingathim,butnotintheangryeyedwayhe
hadstareddownthealligator.Thecheetahlookedback.Finally,hesatdown.Dadsteppedoverthe
chainfenceandkneltrightnexttothebarswherethecheetahwassitting.Thecheetahremainedstill,
lookingatDad.
Dadslowlyraisedhisrighthandandputitupagainstthecage.ThecheetahlookedatDad'shandbut
didn'tmove.Dadcalmlyputhishandbetweentheironbarsofthecageandresteditonthecheetah's
neck.ThecheetahmovedthesideofhisfaceagainstDad'shand,asifaskingtobepetted.Dadgavethe
cheetahthekindofhardy,vigorouspettingyou'dgiveabigdog.
"Situationundercontrol,"Dadsaidandbeckonedusover.
WeclimbedunderthechainfenceandkneltaroundDadwhilehepettedthecheetah.Bythenafew
peoplehadbeguntogather.Onemanwascallingtoustogetbackbehindthechainfence.Weignored
him.Ikneltclosetothecheetah.Myheartwasbeatingfast,butIwasn'tscared,onlyexcited.Icould
feelthecheetah'shotbreathonmyface.Helookedrightatme.Hisambereyesweresteadybutsad,as
ifheknewhe'dneverseetheplainsofAfricaagain.
"MayIpethim,please?"IaskedDad.
Dadtookmyhandandslowlyguidedittothesideofthecheetah'sneck.Itwassoftbutalsobristly.The
cheetahturnedhisheadandputhismoistnoseupagainstmyhand.Thenhisbigpinktongueunfolded
fromhismouth,andhelickedmyhand.Igasped.Dadopenedmyhandandheldmyfingersback.The
cheetahlickedmypalm,histonguewarmandrough,likesandpaperdippedinhotwater.Ifeltalltingly.
"Ithinkhelikesme,"Isaid.
"Hedoes,"Dadsaid."Healsolikesthepopcornsaltandbutteronyourhand."
Therewasasmallcrowdaroundthecagenow,andoneparticularlyfranticwomangrabbedmyshirt
andtriedtopullmeoverthechain."It'sallright,"Itoldher."Mydaddoesstufflikethisallthetime."
"Heshouldbearrested!"sheshouted.
"Okay,kids,"Dadsaid,"theciviliansarerevolting.Webetterskedaddle."

Weclimbedoverthechain.WhenIlookedback,thecheetahwasfollowingusalongthesideofthe
cage.Beforewecouldmakeourwaythroughthecrowd,aheavymaninanavyblueuniformcame
runningtowardus.Hewasholdingontothegunandnightstickonhisbelt,whichmadehimlooklike
hewasrunningwithhishandsonhiships.Hewasshoutingaboutregulationsandhowidiotshadbeen
killedclimbingintocagesandhowweallhadtoleaveimmediately.HegrabbedDadbytheshoulder,
butDadpushedhimoffandassumedafightingstance.SomeofthemeninthecrowdclutchedDad's
arms,andMomaskedDadtopleasedowhattheguardhadordered.
Dadnoddedandheldouthishandsinapeacegesture.Heledusthroughthecrowdandtowardtheexit,
chucklingandshakinghisheadtoletuskidsknowthatthesefoolswerenotworththetimeitwould
taketokicktheirbutts.Icouldhearpeoplearounduswhisperingaboutthecrazydrunkmanandhis
dirtylittleurchinchildren,butwhocaredwhattheythought?Noneofthemhadeverhadtheirhand
lickedbyacheetah.
ITWASAROUNDthistimethatDadlosthisjob.Hesaidtherewasnothingtoworryabout,because
Phoenixwassobigandgrowingsofastthathecouldfindanotherjobatasitewheretheyhadn'tspread
liesabouthim.Thenhegotfiredfromhissecondjobandfromhisthird,andwaskickedoutofthe
electricians'unionandstarteddoingoddjobsanddaywork.WhatevermoneyMomhadinheritedfrom
GrandmaSmithhaddisappeared,andonceagainwestartedscrapingby.
Ididn'tgohungry.Hotlunchatschoolcostaquarter,andwecouldusuallyaffordthat.Whenwe
couldn'tandItoldMrs.Ellis,myfourthgradeteacher,thatIhadforgottenmyquarter,shesaidher
recordsindicatedthatsomeonehadalreadypaidforme.Eventhoughitseemedawfullycoincidental,I
didn'twanttopushmyluckbyaskingtoomanyquestionsaboutwhothissomeonewas.Iatethehot
lunch.SometimesthatlunchwasallIhadtoeatallday,butIcouldgetbyjustfineononemeal.
OneafternoonwhenBrianandIhadcomehometoanemptyfridge,wewentouttothealleybehind
thehouselookingforbottlestoredeem.Downthealleywasthedeliverybayofawarehouse.Abig
greenDumpsterstoodintheparkinglot.Whennoonewaslooking,BrianandIpushedopenthelid,
climbedup,anddivedinsidetosearchforbottles.Iwasafraiditmightbefullofyuckygarbage.
Instead,wefoundanastonishingtreasure:cardboardboxesfilledwithloosechocolates.Someofthem
werewhitishanddriedoutlooking,andsomewerecoveredwithamysteriousgreenmold,butmostof
themwerefine.Wepiggedoutonchocolates,andfromthenon,wheneverMomwastoobusytomake
dinnerorwewereoutoffood,we'dgobacktotheDumpstertoseeifanynewchocolatewaswaiting
forus.Fromtimetotime,itwas.
***
Forsomereason,therewerenokidsMaureen'sageonNorthThirdStreet.Shewastooyoungtorun
aroundwithmeandBrian,soshespentmostofhertimeridingupanddownontheredtricycleDad
hadboughtforher,andplayingwithherimaginaryfriends.Theyallhadnames,andshewouldtalkto
themforhours.They'dlaughtogether,carryondetailedconversations,evenargue.Onedayshecame
homeintears,andwhenIaskedherwhyshewascrying,shesaidshe'dgottenintoafightwithSuzie
Q.,oneoftheimaginaryfriends.
MaureenwasfiveyearsyoungerthanBrian,andMomsaidthatsinceshedidn'thaveanyalliesinthe

familyaroundherage,sheneededspecialtreatment.MomdecidedMaureenneededtoenrollin
preschool,butshesaidshedidn'twantheryoungestdaughterdressedinthethriftstoreclothestherest
ofuswore.Momtolduswewouldhavetogoshoplifting.
"Isn'tthatasin?"IaskedMom.
"Notexactly,"Momsaid."Goddoesn'tmindyoubendingtherulesalittleifyouhaveagoodreason.
It'ssortoflikejustifiablehomicide.Thisisjustifiablepilfering."
Mom'splanwasforherandMaureentogointothedressingroomofastorewithanarmfulofnew
clothesforMaureentotryon.Whentheycameout,Momwouldtelltheclerkshedidn'tlikeanyofthe
dresses.AtthatpointLori,Brian,andIwouldcreatearuckustodistracttheclerkwhileMomhida
dressunderaraincoatshewouldbecarryingonherarm.
WegotthreeorfournicedressesforMaureenthatway,butononeexcursion,whenBrianandIwere
pretendingtopuncheachotheroutandMomwasintheprocessofslippingadressunderherraincoat,
thesalesladyturnedtoMomandaskedifsheintendedtobuythatdressshewasholding.Momhadno
choicebuttopayforit."Fourteendollarsforachild'sdress!"shesaidasweleftthestore."It'shighway
robbery!"
Daddevisedaningeniouswaytocomeupwithextracash.Hefiguredoutthatwhenyoumadea
withdrawalfromthedrivethroughwindowatthebank,ittookafewminutesforthetransactionto
registerinthecomputer.Sohewouldopenabankaccount,andaweekorsolater,hewouldwithdraw
allthemoneyfromatellerinsidethebankwhileMomwithdrewthesameamountfromthedrive
throughwindow.Lorisaiditsoundedoutrightfelonious,butDadsaidallhewasdoingwasoutsmarting
thefatcatbankownerswhoshylockedthecommonmanbychargingusuriousinterestrates.
"Wearinnocentexpressions,"MomtolduskidsthefirsttimewedroppedDadoffinfrontofthebank.
"Willwehavetogotoajuveniledelinquentcenterifwegetbusted?"Iasked.
Momassuredmeitwasallperfectlylegal."Peopleoverdrawtheiraccountsallthetime,"shesaid."If
wegetcaught,we'lljustpayalittleoverdraftfee."Sheexplainedthatitwassortofliketakingouta
loanwithoutallthemessypaperwork.Butaswedroveuptotheteller'swindow,Momseemedtoget
edgyandgigglednervouslyasshepassedthewithdrawalslipthroughthebulletproofwindow.Ithink
shewasenjoyingthethrilloftakingfromtherich.
Afterthewomaninsidepassedusthecash,Momdrovearoundtothefrontofthebank.Inaminute,
Dadstrolledout.Heclimbedintothefrontofthecar,turnedaround,and,withawickedgrin,heldupa
stackofbillsandriffledthemwithhisthumb.
***
ThereasonDadwashavingatoughtimegettingsteadyworkashekepttryingtotelluswasthatthe
electricians'unioninPhoenixwascorrupt.Itwasrunbythemob,hesaid,whichcontrolledallthe
constructionprojectsinthecity,sobeforehecouldgetadecentjob,hehadtorunorganizedcrimeout
oftown.Thatrequiredalotofundercoverresearch,andthebestplacetogatherinformationwasatthe
barsthemobstersowned.SoDadstartedspendingmostofhistimeinthosejoints.

MomrolledhereyeswheneverDadmentionedhisresearch.Ibegantohavemyowndoubtsaboutwhat
hewasupto.HecamehomeinsuchadrunkenfurythatMomusuallyhidwhilewekidstriedtocalm
himdown.Hebrokewindowsandsmasheddishesandfurnitureuntilhe'dspentallhisanger;thenhe'd
lookaroundatthemessandatuskidsstandingthere.Whenherecognizedwhathe'ddone,hehunghis
headinwearinessandshame.Thenhe'dsinktohiskneesandpitchforwardfacefirstonthefloor.
AfterDadhadcollapsed,Iwouldtrytopickuptheplace,butMomalwaysmademestop.She'dbeen
readingbooksonhowtocopewithanalcoholic,andtheysaidthatdrunksdidn'tremembertheir
rampages,soifyoucleanedupafterthem,they'dthinknothinghadhappened."Yourfatherneedstosee
themesshe'smakingofourlives,"Momsaid.ButwhenDadgotup,he'dactasifallthewreckage
didn'texist,andnoonediscusseditwithhim.Therestofushadtogetusedtosteppingoverbroken
furnitureandshatteredglass.
MomhadtaughtustopickDad'spocketwhenhepassedout.Wegotprettygoodatit.Once,afterI'd
rolledDadandcollectedahandfulofchange,Ipriedhisfingersloosefromthebottleinhishand.It
wasthreequartersempty.Istaredattheamberliquid.Momnevertouchedthestuff,andIwondered
whatDadfoundsoirresistible.Iopenedthebottleandsniffed.Theawfulsmellstungmynose,butafter
workingupmycourage,Itookaswig.Ithadahideouslythicktaste,smoky,andsohotitburnedmy
tongue.Irantothebathroom,spatitout,andrinsedmymouth.
"Ijusttookaswigofbooze,"ItoldBrian."It'stheworstthingI'veevertastedinmylife."
Briangrabbedthebottleoutofmyhand.Heemptieditintothekitchensink,thenledmeouttothe
shedandopenedupawoodentrunkinthebackmarkedTOYBOX.Itwasfilledwithemptyliquor
bottles.WheneverDadpassedout,Briansaid,hetookthebottleDadhadbeendrinking,emptiedit,and
hiditinthetrunk.He'dwaituntilhehadtenortwelve,thentotethemtoagarbagecanafewblocks
away,becauseifDadsawtheemptybottles,hewouldgetfurious.
***
"IhaveareallygoodfeelingaboutthisChristmas,"MomannouncedinearlyDecember.Loripointed
outthatthelastfewmonthshadn'tgonesowell.
"Exactly,"Momsaid."ThisisGod'swayoftellingustotakechargeofourownfates.Godhelpsthose
whohelpthemselves."
Shehadsuchagoodfeelingthatshe'ddecidedthatthisyearweweregoingtocelebrateChristmason
ChristmasDay,insteadofaweeklater.
Momwasanexpertthriftstoreshopper.Shereadthelabelsontheclothesandturnedoverdishesand
vasestostudythemarkingsonthebottom.Shehadnoqualmsabouttellingasalesladythatadress
markedattwentyfivecentswasworthonlyadime,andsheusuallygotitatthatprice.Momtookus
thriftstoreshoppingforweeksbeforethatChristmas,givinguseachadollartospendonpresents.Igot
aredglassbudvaseforMom,anonyxashtrayforDad,amodelcarkitforBrian,abookaboutelvesfor
Lori,andastuffedtigerwithalooseearthatMomhelpedmesewbackinplaceforMaureen.
OnChristmasmorning,MomtookusdowntoagasstationthatsoldChristmastrees.Sheselecteda

tall,dark,butslightlydriedoutDouglasfir."Thispooroldtreeisn'tgoingtosellbytheendoftheday,
anditneedssomeonetoloveit,"shetoldthemanandofferedhimthreedollars.Themanlookedatthe
treeandlookedatMomandlookedatuskids.Mydresshadbuttonsmissing.Holeswereappearing
alongtheseamsofMaureen'sTshirt."Lady,thisone'sbeenmarkeddowntoabuck,"hesaid.
WecarriedthetreehomeanddecorateditwithGrandma'santiqueornaments:ornatecoloredballs,
fragileglasspartridges,andlightswithlongtubesofbubblingwater.Icouldn'twaittoopenmy
presents,butMominsistedthatwecelebrateChristmasintheCatholicfashion,gettingtothegiftsonly
afterwe'dattendedmidnightmass.Dad,knowingthatallthebarsandliquorstoreswouldbeclosedon
Christmas,hadstockedupinadvance.He'dpoppedopenthefirstBudweiserbeforebreakfast,andby
thetimemidnightmassrolledaround,hewashavingtroublestandingup.
Isuggestedthatmaybethisonce,MomshouldletDadoffthehookaboutgoingtomass,butshesaid
stoppingbyGod'shouseforaquickhellowasespeciallyimportantattimeslikethis,soDadstaggered
andlurchedintothechurchwithus.Duringthesermon,thepriestdiscussedthemiracleofImmaculate
ConceptionandtheVirginBirth.
"Virgin,myass!"Dadshouted."MarywasasweetJewishbroadwhogotherselfknockedup!"
Theservicecametoadeadhalt.Everyonewasstaring.Thechoirhadswiveledaroundinunisonand
weregapingopenmouthed.Eventhepriestwasspeechless.
Dadhadasatisfiedgrinonhisface."AndJesusH.Christistheworld'sbestlovedbastard!"
Theushersgrimlyescortedustothestreet.Onthewayhome,Dadputhisarmaroundmyshoulderfor
support."Babygirl,ifyourboyfriendevergetsintoyourpantiesandyoufindyourselfinafamilyway,
swearthatitwasImmaculateConceptionandstartmouthingoffaboutmiracles,"hesaid."Thenjust
passaroundthecollectionplatecomeSunday."
Ididn'tlikeDadwhenhetalkedlikethat,andItriedtomoveawayfromhim,buthejustheldme
tighter.
Backathome,wetriedtocalmDaddown.Momgavehimoneofhispresents,abrasscigarettelighter
fromthenineteentwentiesintheshapeofaScottishterrier.Dadflickeditacoupleoftimes,swaying
backandforth;thenheheldituptothelightandstudiedit.
"Let'sreallylightupthisChristmas,"DadsaidandthrustthelighterintotheDouglasfir.Thedriedout
needlescaughtfireimmediately.Flamesleapedthroughthebrancheswithacracklingnoise.Christmas
ornamentsexplodedfromtheheat.
Forafewmoments,weweretoostunnedtodoanything.Momcalledforblanketsandwater.Wewere
abletoputthefireout,butonlybyknockingdownthetree,smashingmostoftheornaments,and
ruiningallourpresents.Dadsatonthesofathewholetime,laughingandtellingMomthathewas
doingherafavorbecausetreeswerepagansymbolsofworship.
Oncethefirewasoutandthesodden,burnedtreelaysmolderingonthefloor,wealljuststoodthere.

NoonetriedtowringDad'sneckoryellathimorevenpointoutthathe'druinedtheChristmashis
familyhadspentweeksplanningtheChristmasthatwassupposedtobethebestwe'deverhad.When
Dadwentcrazy,weallhadourownwaysofshuttingdownandclosingoff,andthatwaswhatwedid
thatnight.
ITURNEDTENTHATspring,butbirthdayswerenotabigdealaroundourhouse.SometimesMom
stuckafewcandlesinsomeicecreamandweallsang."HappyBirthday."MomandDadmightgetusa
littlepresentacomicbookorapairofshoesorapackageofunderwearbutatleastasoften,they
forgotourbirthdaysaltogether.
SoIwassurprisedwhen,onthedayIturnedten,Dadtookmeoutsidetothebackpatioandaskedwhat
Iwantedmostintheworld."It'saspecialoccasion,seeingashowitputsyouintodoubledigits,"he
said."You'regrowingupdamnfast,MountainGoat.You'llbeonyourowninnotime,andifthere's
anythingIcandoforyounow,beforeyou'regone,Iwanttodoit."
IknewDadwasn'ttalkingaboutbuyingmesomeextravagantpresent,likeaponyoradollhouse.He
wasaskingwhathecoulddo,nowthatIwasalmostagrownup,tomakemylastyearsasakid
everythingIhopedthey'dbe.TherewasonlyonethingItrulywanted,somethingthatIknewwould
changeallourlives,butIwasafraidtoaskforit.Justthinkingaboutsayingthewordsoutloudmade
menervous.
Dadsawmyhesitation.Hekneltsothathewaslookingupatme."Whatisit?"hesaid."Askaway."
"It'sbig."
"Justask,baby."
"I'mscared."
"Youknowifit'shumanlypossible,I'llgetitforyou.Andifitain'thumanlypossible,I'lldietrying."
IlookedupatthethinswirlsofcloudshighintheblueArizonasky.Keepingmyeyesfastenedonthose
distantclouds,Itookabreathandsaid."Doyouthinkyoucouldmaybestopdrinking?"
Dadsaidnothing.Hewasstaringdownatthecementpatio,andwhenheturnedtome,hiseyeshada
woundedlook,likeadogwho'sbeenkicked."Youmustbeawfullyashamedofyouroldman,"hesaid.
"No,"Isaidquickly."It'sjustIthinkMomwouldbealothappier.Plus,we'dhavetheextramoney."
"Youdon'thavetoexplain,"Dadsaid.Hisvoicewasbarelyawhisper.Hestoodupandwalkedintothe
yardandsatdownundertheorangetrees.Ifollowedandsatdownnexttohim.Iwasgoingtotakehis
hand,butbeforeIcouldreachforit,hesaid."Ifyoudon'tmind,honey,IthinkI'dliketosithereby
myselfforawhile."
***
InthemorningDadtoldmethatforthenextfewdays,hewasgoingtokeeptohimselfinhisbedroom.

Hewanteduskidstosteerclearofhim,tostayoutsidealldayandplay.Everythingwentfineforthe
firstday.Onthesecondday,whenIcamehomefromschool,Iheardaterriblegroaningcomingfrom
thebedroom.
"Dad?"Icalled.Therewasnoanswer.Iopenedthedoor.
Dadwastiedtothebedwithropesandbelts.Idon'tknowifhehaddoneithimselforifMomhelped
him,buthewasthrashingabout,buckingandpullingattherestraints,yelling"No!"and"Stop!"and
"OhmyGod!"Hisfacewasgrayanddrippingwithsweat.Icalledouttohimagain,buthedidn'tseeor
hearme.Iwentintothekitchenandfilledanemptyorangejuicejugwithwater.Isatwiththejugnext
toDad'sdoorincasehegotthirsty.Momsawmeandtoldmetogooutsideandplay.ItoldherIwanted
tohelpDad.ShesaidtherewasnothingIcoulddo,butIstayedbythedooranyway.
Dad'sdeliriumcontinuedfordays.WhenIcamehomefromschool,I'dgetthejugofwater,takeupmy
positionbythedoor,andwaitthereuntilbedtime.BrianandMaureenplayedoutside,andLorikeptto
thefarsideofthehouse.Mompaintedinherstudio.Noonetalkedmuchaboutwhatwasgoingon.
Onenightwhenwewereeatingdinner,Dadletoutaparticularlyhideouscry.IlookedatMom,who
wasstirringhersoupasifitwereanordinaryevening,andthatwaswhenIlostit.
"Dosomething!"Iyelledather."You'vegottodosomethingtohelpDad!"
"Yourfather'stheonlyonewhocanhelphimself,"Momsaid."Onlyheknowshowtofighthisown
demons."
Afterthebetterpartofaweek,Dad'sdeliriumstopped,andheaskedustocometalktohiminthe
bedroom.Hewasproppeduponapillow,palerandthinnerthanI'deverseenhim.Hetookthewater
jugIofferedhim.Hishandswereshakingsobadlythathehadtroubleholdingit,andwaterdribbled
downhischinashedrank.
Afewdayslater,Dadwasabletowalkaround,buthehadnoappetite,andhishandsstilltrembled.I
toldMomthatmaybeIhadmadeaterriblemistake,butMomsaidsometimesyouhavetogetsicker
beforeyoucangetbetter.Withinafewmoredays,Dadseemedalmostnormal,exceptthathe'dbecome
tentative,evenkindofshy.Hesmiledatuskidsalotandsqueezedourshoulders,sometimesleaningon
ustosteadyhimself.
"Iwonderwhatlifewillbelikenow,"IsaidtoLori.
"Thesame,"shesaid."Hetriedstoppingbefore,butitneverlasted."
"Thistimeitwill."
"Howdoyouknow?"
"It'shispresenttome."
***
Dadspentthesummerrecuperating.Fordaysonend,he'dsitundertheorangetreesreading.Byearly

fall,hehadrecoveredmostofhisstrength.Tocelebratehisnewlifeonthewagon,andtoputsome
distancebetweenhimselfandhisdrinkinghaunts,hedecidedthattheWallsclanshouldtakealong
campingtriptotheGrandCanyon.We'davoidtheparkrangersandfindacavesomewherealongthe
river.We'dswimandfishandcookourcatchoveranopenfire.MomandLoricouldpaint,andDad
andBrianandIcouldclimbthecliffsandstudythecanyon'sgeologicalstrata.Itwouldbelikeold
times.Wekidsdidn'tneedtobegoingtoschool,hesaid.HeandMomcouldinstructusbetterthanany
ofthoseshitforbrainsteachers."You,MountainGoat,canputtogetherarockcollectionthelikesof
whichhasneverbeenseen,"Dadtoldme.
Everyonelovedtheidea.BrianandIweresoexcitedwedidajigrightthereonthelivingroomfloor.
Wepackedblankets,food,canteens,fishingline,thelavenderblanketMaureentookeverywhere,Lori's
paperandpencils,Mom'seaselandcanvasesandbrushesandpaints.Whatcouldn'tfitinthetrunkof
thecar,wetiedtothetop.WealsotookalongMom'sfancyarcheryset,theonemadeofinlaid
fruitwood,becauseDadsaidyouneverknowwhatwildgamewemightfindinthosecanyonrecesses.
HepromisedBrianandmethatwe'dbeshootingthatbowandarrowlikeacoupleoffullblooded
Indiankidsbythetimewecameback.Ifweevercameback.Hell,wemightdecidetoliveintheGrand
Canyonpermanently.
Westartedoutearlythenextmorning.OncewegotnorthofPhoenix,pastallthetracthousesuburbs,
thetrafficthinned,andDadstartedgoingfasterandfaster."Thereain'tnobetterfeelingthanbeingon
themove,"hesaid.
Wewereoutinthedesertnow,thetelephonepolessnappingpast."Hey,MountainGoat,"hehollered.
"HowfastdoyouthinkIcanmakethiscargo?"
"Fasterthanthespeedoflight!"Isaid.Ileanedoverthefrontseatandwatchedtheneedleonthe
speedometercreepup.Weweredoingninetymilesanhour.
"You'regonnaseethatlittleneedlegoallthewayoffthedial,"Dadsaid.
Icouldseehislegmoveashesteppedonthegas.We'drolleddownthewindows,andmapsandart
paperandcigaretteasheswerewhippingaroundourheads.Thespeedometerneedlecreptpastone
hundred,thelastnumberonthedial,andpushedintotheemptyspacebeyond.Thecarstarted
shuddering,butDaddidn'tletupontheaccelerator.MomcoveredherheadwithherarmsandtoldDad
toslowdown,butthatonlymadehimpressonthegasevenharder.
Suddenly,therewasaclatteringnoiseunderthecar.Ilookedbacktomakesurenoimportantparthad
fallenoff,andsawaconeofgraysmokebillowingbehindus.Justthenwhitesteamthatsmelledlike
ironstartedpouringoutfromthesidesofthehoodandblowingpastthewindows.Theshuddering
increased,andwithaterriblecoughing,clunkingnoise,thecarbegantoslow.Soonitwasgoingatno
morethanacrawl.Thentheenginediedaltogether.Wecoastedforafewyardsinsilencebeforethecar
stopped.
"Nowyou'vedoneit,"Momsaid.
WekidsandDadgotoutandpushedthecartothesideoftheroadwhileMomsteered.Dadliftedthe

hood.IwatchedwhileheandBrianstudiedthesmoking,greaseencrustedengineanddiscussedthe
partsbyname.ThenIwenttositinthecarwithMom,Lori,andMaureen.
Lorigavemeadisgustedlook,asifshethoughtitwasmyfaultthatthecarhadbrokendown."Whydo
youalwaysencouragehim?"sheasked.
"Don'tworry,"Isaid."Dadwillfixit."
Wesatthereforalongtime.Icouldseebuzzardscirclinghighinthedistance,whichremindedmeof
thatingrateBuster.MaybeIshouldhavecuthimsomeslack.Withhisbrokenwingandlifetimeof
eatingroadkill,heprobablyhadalottobeungratefulabout.Toomuchhardluckcancreatea
permanentmeannessofspiritinanycreature.
Finally,Dadshutthehood.
"Youcanfixit,can'tyou?"Iasked.
"Ofcourse,"hesaid."IfIhadthepropertools."
We'dhavetotemporarilypostponeourexpeditiontotheGrandCanyon,hetoldus.Ourfirstpriority
nowwastoheadbacktoPhoenixsohecouldgethishandsontherighttools.
"How?"Loriasked.
Hitchhikingwasoneoption,Dadsaid.Butitmightbehardfindingacarwithenoughroomto
accommodatefourkidsandtwoadults.Sincewewereallsoathletic,andsincenoneofuswere
whiners,walkinghomewouldbenoproblem.
"It'salmosteightymiles,"Lorisaid.
"That'sright,"Dadsaid.Ifwecoveredthreemilesanhourforeighthoursaday,wecouldmakeitin
threedays.WehadtoleaveeverythingbehindexceptMaureen'slavenderblanketandthecanteens.That
includedMom'sfruitwoodarcheryset.SinceMomwasattachedtothatarcheryset,whichherfather
hadgivenher,DadhadBrianandmehideitinanirrigationditch.Wecouldcomebackandretrieveit
later.
DadcarriedMaureen.Tokeepourspiritsup,hecalledouthup,two,three,four,butMomandLori
refusedtomarchalonginstep.Eventually,Dadgaveup,anditwasquietexceptforthesoundofour
feetcrunchingonthesandandrocksandthewindwhippingoffthedesert.Afterwalkingforwhat
seemedlikeacoupleofhours,wereachedamotelbillboardthatwehadpassedonlyaminuteorso
beforethecarbrokedown.Theoccasionalcarwhizzedby,andDadstuckouthisthumb,butnoneof
themstopped.Aroundmidday,abigblueBuickwithgleamingchromebumperssloweddownand
pulledontotheshoulderinfrontofus.Aladywithabeautyparlorhairdorolleddownthewindow.
"Youpoorpeople!"sheexclaimed."Areyouokay?"

Sheaskeduswhereweweregoing,andwhenwetoldherPhoenix,sheofferedusaride.Theair
conditioningintheBuickwassocoldthatgoosebumpspoppeduponmyarmsandlegs.Theladyhad
LoriandmepassaroundCocaColasandsandwichesfromacoolerinthefootwell.Dadsaidhewasn't
hungry.
Theladykepttalkingabouthowherdaughterhadbeendrivingdownthehighwayandhadseenusand,
whenshegottothelady'shouse,hadtoldheraboutthispoorfamilywalkingalongthesideoftheroad.
"AndIsaidtoher,Isaidtomydaughter,'Why,Ican'tleavethosepoorpeopleoutthere.'Itoldmy
daughter,'Thosepoorkidsmustbedyingofthirst,poorthings.'"
"We'renotpoor,"Isaid.Shehadusedthatwordonetoomanytimes.
"Ofcourseyou'renot,"theladyquicklyreplied."Ididn'tmeanitthatway."
ButIcouldtellthatshehad.Theladygrewquiet,andfortherestofthetrip,noonesaidmuch.Assoon
asshedroppedusoff,Daddisappeared.Iwaitedonthefrontstepsuntilbedtime,buthedidn'tcome
home.
THREEDAYSLATER,whileLoriandIweresittingatGrandma'solduprightpianotryingtoteach
eachothertoplay,weheardheavy,unevenfootstepsatthefrontdoor.WeturnedandsawDad.He
trippedonthecoffeetable.Whenwetriedtohelphim,hecursedandlurchedatus,swinginghisfist.
Hewantedtoknowwherethatgoddamnsorryassedmotherofourswas,andhegotsomadwhenwe
didn'ttellhimthathepulledoverGrandma'schinacloset,sendingherfinebonechinacrashingtothe
floor.Briancamerunningin.HetriedtograbDad'sleg,butDadkickedhimoff.
Dadyankedoutthesilverwaredrawerandhurledtheforksandspoonsandknivesacrosstheroom,then
pickeduponeofthechairsandsmasheditonGrandma'stable."RoseMary,wherethegoddamnhell
areyou,youstinkingbitch?"heyelled."Whereisthatwhorehiding?"
HefoundMominthebathroom,crouchedinthetub.Asshedartedpasthim,hegrabbedherdress,and
shestartedflailing.Theyfoughttheirwayintothediningroom,andheknockedhertothefloor.She
reachedintothepileofkitchenutensilsthatDadhadthrownthere,grabbedabutcherknife,andslashed
itthroughtheairinfrontofhim.
Dadleanedback."Aknifefight,eh?"Hegrinned."Okay,ifthat'swhatyouwant."Hepickedupa
knife,too,tossingitfromhandtohand.ThenheknockedtheknifeoutofMom'shand,droppedhisown
knife,andwrestledhertothefloor.WekidspoundedonDad'sbackandbeggedhimtostop,buthe
ignoredus.Atlast,hepinnedMom'shandsbehindherhead.
"RoseMary,you'reonehellofawoman,"Dadsaid.Momtoldhimhewasastinkingrottendrunk.
"Yeah,butyoulovethisolddrunk,don'tyou?"Dadsaid.Momatfirstsaidno,shedidn't,butDadkept
askingheragainandagain,andwhenshefinallysaidyes,thefightdisappearedfrombothofthem.
Vanishedasifithadneverexisted.DadstartedlaughingandhuggingMom,whowaslaughingand
hugginghim.Itwasasiftheyweresohappytheyhadn'tkilledeachotherthattheyhadfalleninloveall
overagain.

Ididn'tfeellikecelebrating.Afterallhe'dputhimselfthrough,Icouldn'tbelieveDadhadgonebackto
thebooze.
***
WithDaddrinkingagain,andnomoneycomingin,Mombegantotalkaboutmovingeast,toWest
Virginia,whereDad'sparentslived.Maybehisparentswouldhelpkeephiminline.Ifnothingelse,
theycouldhelpusoutfinancially,likeGrandmaSmithhaddonefromtimetotime.
We'dloveitinWestVirginia,shetoldus.We'dliveintheforestinthemountainswiththesquirrelsand
thechipmunks.WecouldmeetourgrandmaandgrandpaWalls,whoweregenuinehillbillies.
MommadelivinginWestVirginiasoundlikeanothergreatadventure,andprettysoonalluskidshad
signedonforthetrip.Dadhatedtheidea,however,andrefusedtohelpMom,sosheplottedonher
own.SincewehadneverretrievedthecaroranyofourstufffromthefailedGrandCanyon
expedition,thefirstthingMomneededwasasetofwheels.ShesaidthatGodworksinmysterious
ways,anditjustsohappenedthatshehadinheritedsomelandinTexaswhenGrandmadied.She
waiteduntilshereceivedacheckforseveralhundreddollarsfromthecompanythatwasleasingthe
drillingrights.Thenshewenttobuyausedcar.
Alocalradiostationhadapromotionalbroadcastonceaweekfromacarlotthatwepassedonourway
toschool.EveryWednesdaytheDJsandusedcarsalesmenwouldraveonairabouttheincredibledeals
andthelowestpricesaround;toprovetheirpoint,they'dannouncethePiggyBankSpecial:somecar
pricedunderathousanddollarsthatthey'dselltothefirstluckycaller.MomsethersightsonaPiggy
BankSpecial.Shewasn'ttakinganychancesonbeingthefirstcaller;shewentdownwithhercashand
satinthedealershipofficewhilewekidswaitedonaparkbenchacrossthestreet,listeningtothe
broadcastonatransistorradio.
ThePiggyBankSpecialthatWednesdaywasa1956Oldsmobile,whichMomboughtfortwohundred
dollars.Welistenedasshetooktotheairwavestotelltheradioaudiencesheknewaheckofabargain
whenshesawone.
MomwasnotallowedtotestdrivethePiggyBankSpecialbeforebuyingit.Thecarlurchedandstalled
severaltimesonthewayhome.ItwasimpossibletotellwhetheritwasMom'sdrivingorwhetherwe
hadboughtalemon.
WekidswerenotallthatthrilledabouttheideaofMomdrivinguscrosscountry.Shedidn'thavea
validdriver'slicense,foronething,andshe'dalwaysbeenaterribledriver.IfDadgottoodrunk,she
endedupbehindthewheel,butcarsneverseemedtorunrightforMom.Onceweweredrivingthrough
downtownPhoenixandshecouldn'tgetthebrakestoworkandshehadBrianandmestickourheads
outthewindowsandscream,"Nobrakes!Nobrakes!"aswerolledthroughintersectionsandshe
lookedforsomethingrelativelysofttocrashinto.WeendedupplowingintoaDumpsterbehinda
supermarketandwalkinghome.
Momsaidthatanyonecriticalofherdrivingcouldhelpwiththetask.Nowthatwehadacar,she
continued,wecouldleavethenextmorning.ItwasOctober,andwehadbeeninschoolforjustovera
month,butMomsaidwehadnotimetotellourteacherswewerewithdrawingortogetanyofour

schoolrecords.WhenweenrolledinWestVirginia,she'dvouchforourscholasticachievement,and
onceournewteachersheardusread,they'drealizewewereallgifted.
Dadwasstillrefusingtocomewithus.Whenweleft,hesaid,hewasgoingtoheadoutintothedesert
onhisown,tobecomeaprospector.IaskedMomifweweregoingtosellthehouseonNorthThird
Streetorrentitout."Neither,"shesaid."It'smyhouse."Sheexplainedthatitwasnicetoown
somethingforachange,andshesawnopointinsellingitjustbecauseweweremoving.Shedidn'twant
torentit,either,sinceshewasopposedtoanyoneelselivinginherhouse.We'dleaveitasitwas.To
preventburglarsandvandalsfrombreakingin,we'dhanglaundryontheclotheslineandputdirty
dishesinthesink.Thatway,Mompointedout,potentialintruderswouldthinkthehousewasoccupied
andwouldbefooledintobelievingthatthepeoplewholivedtheremightcomehomeanysecond.
Thefollowingmorning,wepackedupthecarwhileDadsatinthelivingroomsulking.WetiedMom's
artsuppliestotheroofandfilledthetrunkwithpotsandpansandblankets.Momhadboughteachof
usawarmcoatatathriftstoresowe'dhavesomethingtowearinWestVirginia,whereitgotsocoldin
thewinterthatitsnowed.Momsaidwecouldeachtakeonlyonething,likethetimeweleftBattle
Mountain.Iwantedtobringmybike,butMomsaiditwastoobig,soIbroughtmygeode.
Iranintothebackyardandsaidgoodbyetotheorangetrees,andthenIranoutfronttogetinthe
Oldsmobile.IhadtocrawloverBrianandsitinthemiddlebecauseheandLorihadalreadystakedout
thewindowseats.MaureenwasinthefrontseatwithMom,whohadstartedtheengineandwas
practicinghergearshifts.Dadwasstillinthehouse,soIleanedoverBrianandshoutedatthetopof
myvoice.Dadappearedinthedoorway,hisarmsfoldedacrosshischest.
"Dad,pleasecome,weneedyou!"Ihollered.
LoriandBrianandMomandMaureenallchimedin."Weneedyou!"weshouted."You'retheheadof
thefamily!You'rethedad!Comeon!"
Dadstoodtherelookingatusforaminute.Thenheflickedthecigarettehewassmokingintotheyard,
closedthefrontdoor,lopedovertothecar,andtoldMomtomoveasidehewasdriving.
III
WELCH

BACKINBATTLEMOUNTAIN,wehadstoppednamingtheWallsfamilycars,becausetheywere
allsuchheapsthatDadsaidtheydidn'tdeservenames.Momsaidthatwhenshewasgrowinguponthe
ranch,theynevernamedthecattle,becausetheyknewtheywouldhavetokillthem.Ifwedidn'tname
thecar,wedidn'tfeelassadwhenwehadtoabandonit.
SothePiggyBankSpecialwasjusttheOldsmobile,andweneversaidthenamewithanyfondnessor
evenpity.ThatOldsmobilewasaclunkerfromthemomentweboughtit.Thefirsttimeitconkedout,
wewerestillanhourshyoftheNewMexicoborder.Dadstuckhisheadunderthehood,tinkeredwith
theengine,andgotitgoing,butitbrokedownagainacoupleofhourslater.Dadgotitrunning."More

likelimping,"hesaidbutitneverwentanyfasterthanfifteenortwentymilesanhour.Also,thehood
keptpoppingup,sowehadtotieitdownwitharope.
Westeeredclearoftollboothsbytakingtwolanebackroads,whereweusuallyhadalonglineof
driversbehindus,honkinginexasperation.WhenoneoftheOldsmobile'swindowsstoppedrollingup
inOklahoma,wetapedgarbagebagsoverit.Wesleptinthecareverynight,andafterarrivinglatein
Muskogeeandparkingonanemptydowntownstreet,wewokeuptofindabunchofpeople
surroundingthecar,littlekidspressingtheirnosesagainstthewindowsandgrownupsshakingtheir
headsandgrinning.
Momwavedatthecrowd."Youknowyou'redownandoutwhenOkieslaughatyou,"shesaid.With
ourgarbagebagtapedwindow,ourropeddownhood,andtheartsuppliestiedtotheroof,we'dout
OkiedtheOkies.Thethoughtgaveherafitofthegiggles.
IpulledablanketovermyheadandrefusedtocomeoutuntilwewerebeyondtheMuskogeecitylimits.
"Lifeisadramafulloftragedyandcomedy,"Momtoldme."Youshouldlearntoenjoythecomic
episodesalittlemore."
***
Ittookusamonthtocrossthecountry.WemightaswellhavebeentravelinginaConestogawagon.
Momalsokeptinsistingthatwemakescenicdetourstobroadenourhorizons.Wedrovedowntosee
theAlamo."DavyCrockettandJamesBowiegotwhatwascomingtothem,"Momsaid."forstealing
thislandfromtheMexicans"andovertoBeaumont,wheretheoilrigsbobbedlikegiantbirds.In
Louisiana,MomhadusclimbupontheroofofthecarandpulldowntuftsofSpanishmosshanging
fromthetreebranches.
AftercrossingtheMississippi,weswungnorthtowardKentucky,theneast.Insteadoftheflatdesert
edgedbycraggymountains,thelandrolledanddippedlikeasheetwhenyoushookitclean.Finally,we
enteredhillcountry,climbinghigheranddeeperintotheAppalachianMountains,stoppingfromtimeto
timetolettheOldsmobilecatchitsbreathonthesteep,twistingroads.ItwasNovember.Theleaveshad
turnedbrownandwerefallingfromthetrees,andacoldmistshroudedthehillsides.Therewere
streamsandcreekseverywhere,insteadoftheirrigationditchesyousawoutwest,andtheairfelt
different.Itwasverystill,heavierandthicker,andsomehowdarker.Forsomereason,itmadeusall
growquiet.
Atdusk,weapproachedabendwherehandpaintedsignsadvertisingautorepairsandcoaldeliveries
hadbeennailedtotreesalongtheroadside.Weroundedthebendandfoundourselvesinadeepvalley.
Woodenhousesandsmallbrickbuildingslinedtheriverandroseinunevenstacksonbothhillsides.
"WelcometoWelch!"Momdeclared.
Wedrovealongdark,narrowstreets,thenstoppedinfrontofabig,wornhouse.Itwasonthedownhill
sideofthestreet,andwehadtodescendasetofstairstogettoit.Asweclatteredontotheporch,a
womanopenedthedoor.Shewasenormous,withpastyskinandaboutthreechins.Bobbypinsheld
backherlankgrayhair,andacigarettedangledfromhermouth.
"Welcomehome,son,"shesaidandgaveDadalonghug.SheturnedtoMom."Niceofyoutoletme

seemygrandchildrenbeforeIdie,"shesaidwithoutasmile.
Withouttakingthecigaretteoutofhermouth,shegaveuseachaquick,stiffhug.Hercheekwastacky
withsweat.
"Pleasedtomeetyou,Grandma,"Isaid.
"Don'tcallmeGrandma,"shesnapped."Name'sErma."
"Shedon'tlikeitnone'causeitmakeshersoundold,"saidamanwhoappearedbesideher.Helooked
fragile,withshortwhitehairthatstoodstraightup.HisvoicewassomumblyIcouldhardlyunderstand
him.Ididn'tknowifitwashisaccentorifmaybehewasn'twearinghisdentures."Name'sTed,butyou
cancallmeGrandpa,"hewenton."Don'tbothermenonebeingagrandpa."
BehindGrandpawasaruddyfacedmanwithawildswirlofredhairpushingoutfromunderhis
baseballcap,whichhadaMaytaglogo.Heworearedandblackplaidcoatbuthadnoshirton
underneathit.HekeptannouncingoverandoveragainthathewasouruncleStanley,andhewouldn't
stophuggingandkissingme,asthoughIwassomeonehetrulylovedandhadn'tseeninages.You
couldsmellthewhiskeyonhisbreath,andwhenhetalked,youcouldseethepinkridgesofhis
toothlessgums.
IstaredatErmaandStanleyandGrandpa,searchingforsomefeaturethatremindedmeofDad,butI
sawnone.MaybethiswasoneofDad'spranks,Ithought.Dadmusthavearrangedfortheweirdest
peopleintowntopretendtheywerehisfamily.Inafewminuteshe'dstartlaughingandtelluswhere
hisrealparentslived,andwe'dgothereandasmilingwomanwithperfumedhairwouldwelcomeus
andfeedussteamingbowlsofCreamofWheat.IlookedatDad.Hewasn'tsmiling,andhekeptpulling
attheskinofhisneckasifhewereitchy.
***
WefollowedErmaandStanleyandGrandpainside.Itwascoldinthehouse,andtheairsmelledof
moldandcigarettesandunwashedlaundry.Wehuddledaroundapotbelliedcastironcoalstoveinthe
middleofthelivingroomandheldoutourhandstowarmthem.Ermapulledabottleofwhiskeyfrom
thepocketofherhousedress,andDadlookedhappyforthefirsttimesincewe'dleftPhoenix.
Ermausheredusintothekitchen,whereshewasfixingdinner.Abulbdangledfromtheceiling,casting
harshlightontheyellowedwalls,whichwerecoatedwithathinfilmofgrease.Ermastuckacurved
steelhandleintoanirondiskontopofanoldcoalcookingstove,liftedit,andwithherotherhand
grabbedapokerfromthewallandjabbedatthehotorangecoalsinside.Shestirredapotfulofgreen
beansstewinginfatbackandpouredinabighandfulofsalt.ThenshesetatrayofPillsburybiscuitson
thekitchentableandladledoutaplateofthebeansforeachofuskids.
ThebeansweresoovercookedthattheyfellapartwhenIstuckmyforkinthemandsosaltythatIcould
barelyforcemyselftoswallow.Ipinchedmynoseclosed,whichwasthewayMomhadtaughtustoget
downthingsthathadgonealittlebitrotten.Ermasawmeandslappedmyhandaway."Beggarscan'tbe
choosers,"shesaid.
Therewerethreebedroomsupstairs,Ermasaid,butnoonehadbeentothesecondfloorinnighonten

years,becausethefloorboardswererottedthrough.UncleStanleyvolunteeredtogiveushisroomin
thebasementandsleeponacotinthefoyerwhilewewerethere."We'llonlybestayingafewdays,"
Dadsaid."untilwefindaplaceofourown."
Afterdinner,Momanduskidswentdownintothebasement.Itwasabigdankroom,withcinderblock
wallsandagreenlinoleumfloor.Therewasanothercoalstove,abed,apulloutcouchwhereMomand
Dadcouldsleep,andachestofdrawerspaintedfireenginered.Itheldhundredsofdogearedcomic
booksLittleLulu,RichieRich,BeetleBailey,ArchieandJugheadthatUncleStanleyhadcollected
overtheyears.Underthechestofdrawerswerejugsofgenuinemoonshine.
WekidsclimbedintoStanley'sbed.Tomakeitlesscrowded,LoriandIlaydownwithourheadsatone
end,andBrianandMaureenlaydownwiththeirsattheother.Brian'sfeetwereinmyface,soIgrabbed
himbytheanklesandstartedchewingonhistoes.Helaughedandkickedandstartedchewingonmy
toesinretaliation,andthatmademelaugh.Weheardaloudthunkthunkthunkfromabove.
"What'sthat?"Loriasked.
"MaybetheroachesherearebiggerthaninPhoenix,"Briansaid.Wealllaughedandheardthethunk
thunkthunkagain.Momwentupstairstoinvestigate,thencamedownandexplainedthatErmawas
hittingthefloorwithabroomhandletosignalthatweweremakingtoomuchnoise."Sheaskedthat
youkidsdon'tlaughwhileyou'reinherhouse,"Momsaid."Itgetsonhernerves."
"Idon'tthinkErmalikesusverymuch,"Isaid.
"She'sjustanoldwomanwho'shadatoughlife,"Momsaid.
"They'reallsortofweird,"Lorisaid.
"We'lladapt,"Momsaid.
Ormoveon,Ithought.
THENEXTDAYWASSunday.Whenwegotup,UncleStanleywasleaningagainsttherefrigerator
andstaringintentlyattheradio.Itmadestrangenoises,notstaticbutacombinationofshriekingand
wailing."Thatthere'stongues,"hesaid."OnlytheLordcanunderstandit."
ThepreacherstartedtalkinginactualEnglish,moreorless.Hespokewithahillbillyaccentsothickit
wasalmostashardtounderstandasthetongues.Heaskedallthemgoodfolkouttherewho'dbeen
helpedbythisherechannelingoftheLord'sspirittosendcontributions.Dadcameintothekitchenand
listened."It'sthesortofsoulcurdlingvoodoo,"hesaid,"thatturnedmeintoanatheist."
Laterthatday,wegotintotheOldsmobile,andMomandDadtookusforatourofthetown.Welchwas
surroundedonallsidesbysuchsteepmountainsthatyoufeltlikeyouwerelookingupfromthebottom
ofabowl.DadsaidthehillsaroundWelchweretoosteepforcultivatingmuchofanything.Couldn't
raiseadecentherdofsheeporcattle,couldn'teventillcropsexceptmaybetofeedyourfamily.Sothis

partoftheworldwasleftprettymuchaloneuntilaroundtheturnofthecentury,whenrobberbarons
fromtheNorthlaidatrackintotheareaandbroughtincheaplabortodigoutthehugefieldsofcoal.
Westoppedunderarailroadbridgeandgotoutofthecartoadmiretheriverthatranthroughthetown.
Itmovedsluggishly,withbarelyaripple.Theriver'sname,Dadsaid,wastheTug."Maybeinthe
summerwecangofishingandswimming,"Isaid.Dadshookhishead.Thecountyhadnosewer
system,heexplained,sowhenpeopleflushedtheirjohns,thedischargewentstraightintotheTug.
Sometimestheriverfloodedandthewaterroseashighasthetreetops.Dadpointedtothetoiletpaper
upinthebranchesalongtheriver'sbanks.TheTug,Dadsaid,hadthehighestleveloffecalbacteriaof
anyriverinNorthAmerica.
"What'sfecal?"Iasked.
Dadwatchedtheriver."Shit,"hesaid.
Dadledusalongthemainroadthroughtown.Itwasnarrow,witholdbrickbuildingscrowdinginclose
onbothsides.Thestores,thesigns,thesidewalks,thecarswereallcoveredwithafilmofblackcoal
dust,givingthetownanalmostmonochromaticlook,likeanoldhandtintedphotograph.Welchwas
shabbyandwornout,butyoucouldtellithadoncebeenaplaceonitswayup.Onahillstoodagrand
limestonecourthousewithabigclocktower.Acrossfromitwasahandsomebankwitharchedwindows
andawroughtirondoor.
YoucouldalsotellthatthepeopleofWelchwerestilltryingtomaintainsomeprideofplace.Asign
nearthetown'sonlystoplightannouncedthatWelchwasthecountyseatofMcDowellCountyandthat
foryears,morecoalhadbeenminedinMcDowellCountythananycomparablespotintheworld.Next
toit,anothersignboastedthatWelchhadthelargestoutdoormunicipalparkinglotinNorthAmerica.
ButthecheerfuladvertisementspaintedonthesidesofbuildingsliketheTicTocdinerandthe
Pocahontasmovietheaterwerefadedandnearlyillegible.Dadsaidbadtimeshadcomeinthefifties.
Theyhithardandstayed.PresidentJohnF.KennedyhadcometoWelchnotlongafterhewaselected
andpersonallyhandedoutthenation'sfirstfoodstampshereonMcDowellStreet,toprovehispoint
thatthoughordinaryAmericansmightfindithardtobelievestarvationlevelpovertyexistedright
intheirowncountry.
TheroadthroughWelch,Dadtoldus,ledonlyfartherupintothewet,forbiddingmountainsandonto
otherdyingcoaltowns.FewstrangerspassedthroughWelchthesedays,andalmostallwhodidcameto
inflictoneformofmiseryoranothertolayoffworkers,toshutdownamine,toforecloseon
someone'shouse,tocompetefortherarejobopening.Thetownspeopledidn'tcaremuchforoutsiders.
Thestreetsweremostlysilentanddesertedthatmorning,buteverynowandthenwe'dpassawoman
wearingcurlersoragroupofmeninTshirtswithmotoroildecals,loiteringinadoorway.Itriedto
catchtheireyes,togivethemanodandasmiletoletthemknowwehadonlygoodintentions,butthey
nevernoddedorspokeawordorevenglancedourway.Assoonaswepassed,however,Icouldfeel
eyesfollowingusupthestreet.
DadhadbroughtMomtoWelchforabriefvisitfifteenyearsearlier,rightaftertheyweremarried.

"Gosh,thingshavegonedownhillalittlebitsincewewereherelast,"shesaid.
Dadgaveashortsnortofalaugh.HelookedatherlikehewasabouttosayWhatthehelldidItellyou?
Insteadhejustshookhishead.
Suddenly,Momgrinnedbroadly."I'llbettherearen'tanyotherartistslivinginWelch,"shesaid."I
won'thaveanycompetition.Mycareercouldreallytakeoffhere."
THENEXTDAYMOMtookBrianandmetoWelchElementary,neartheoutskirtsoftown.She
marchedconfidentlyintotheprincipal'sofficewithusintowandinformedhimthathewouldhavethe
pleasureofenrollingtwoofthebrightest,mostcreativechildreninAmericainhisschool.
TheprincipallookedatMomoverhisblackrimmedglassesbutremainedseatedbehindhisdesk.Mom
explainedthatwe'dleftPhoenixinateensybitofahurry,youknowhowthatgoes,andunfortunately,
inallthecommotion,sheforgottopackstufflikeschoolrecordsandbirthcertificates.
"ButyoucantakemywordforitthatJeannetteandBrianareexceptionallybright,evengifted."She
smiledathim.
TheprincipallookedatBrianandme,withourunwashedhairandourthindesertclothes.Hisfacetook
onasour,skepticalexpression.Hefocusedonme,pushedhisglassesuphisnose,andsaidsomething
thatsoundedlike."Wutsettahmsebm?"
"Excuseme?"Isaid.
"Ettahmsebm!"hesaidlouder.
Iwascompletelybewildered.IlookedatMom.
"Shedoesn'tunderstandyouraccent,"Momtoldtheprincipal.Hefrowned.Momturnedtome."He's
askingyouwhat'seighttimesseven."
"Oh!"Ishouted."Fiftysix!Eighttimessevenisfiftysix!"Istartedspoutingoutallsortsof
mathematicalequations.
Theprincipallookedatmeblankly.
"Hecan'tmakeoutwhatyou'resaying,"Momtoldme."Trytotalkslowly."
TheprincipalaskedmeafewmorequestionsIcouldn'tunderstand.WithMomtranslating,Igave
answersthathecouldn'tunderstand.ThenheaskedBriansomequestions,andtheycouldn'tunderstand
eachother,either.
TheprincipaldecidedthatBrianandIwerebothabitslowandhadspeechimpedimentsthatmadeit
difficultforotherstounderstandus.Heplacedusbothinspecialclassesforstudentswithlearning

disabilities.
***
"You'llhavetoimpressthemwithyourintelligence,"MomsaidasBrianandIheadedofftoschoolthe
nextday."Don'tbeafraidtobesmarterthantheyare."
Ithadrainedthenightbeforeourfirstdayofschool.WhenBrianandIsteppedoffthebusatWelch
Elementary,ourshoesgotsoakedinthewaterthatfilledthemuddytirerutsleftbytheschoolbuses.I
lookedaroundfortheplaygroundequipment,figuringIcouldwinsomenewfriendswiththefierce
tetherballskillsI'dpickedupatEmerson,butIdidn'tseeasingleseesaworjunglegym,nottomention
anytetherballpoles.
IthadbeencoldeversincewearrivedinWelch.Thedaybefore,Momhadunpackedthethriftshop
coatsshe'dboughtusinPhoenix.WhenI'dpointedoutthatallthebuttonshadbeentornfrommine,
shesaidthatminorflawwasmorethanoffsetbythefactthatthecoatwasimportedfromFranceand
madeof100percentlamb'swool.Aswewaitedfortheopeningbell,IstoodwithBrianattheedgeof
theplayground,myarmscrossedtokeepmycoatclosed.Theotherkidsstaredatus,whisperingamong
themselves,buttheyalsokepttheirdistance,asiftheyhadn'tdecidedwhetherwewerepredatorsor
prey.IhadthoughtWestVirginiawasallwhitehillbillies,soIwassurprisedbyhowmanyblackkids
therewere.Isawonetallblackgirlwithastrongjawandalmondeyessmilingatme.Inoddedand
smiledback,thenIrealizedtherewassomethingmaliciousinhersmile.Ilockedmyarmstighter
acrossmychest.
Iwasinthefifthgrade,somydaywasdividedintoperiods,withdifferentteachersandclassroomsfor
each.Forthefirstperiod,IhadWestVirginiahistory.Historywasoneofmyfavoritesubjects.Iwas
coiledandreadytoraisemyhandassoonastheteacheraskedaquestionIcouldanswer,buthestood
atthefrontoftheroomnexttoamapofWestVirginia,withallfiftyfivecountiesoutlined,andspent
theentireclasspointingtocountiesandaskingstudentstoidentifythem.Inmysecondperiod,we
passedthehourwatchingafilmofthefootballgamethatWelchHighhadplayedseveraldaysearlier.
Neitherofthoseteachersintroducedmetotheclass;theyseemedasuncertainasthekidsabouthowto
actaroundastranger.
MynextclasswasEnglishforstudentswithlearningdisabilities.MissCaparossistartedoutby
informingtheclassthatitmightsurprisethemtolearnsomepeopleinthisworldthoughttheywere
betterthanotherpeople."They'reconvincedthey'resospecialthattheydon'tneedtofollowtherules
otherpeoplehavetofollow,"shesaid."likepresentingtheirschoolrecordswhentheyenrollinanew
school."Shelookedatmeandraisedhereyebrowsmeaningfully."Whothinksthat'snotfair?"she
askedtheclass.
Allthekidsexceptmeraisedtheirhands.
"Iseeournewstudentdoesn'tagree,"shesaid."Perhapsyou'dliketoexplainyourself?"
Iwassittinginthesecondtolastrow.Thestudentsinfrontofmeswiveledtheirheadsaroundtostare.
IdecidedtodazzlethemwiththeanswerfromtheErgoGame.
"Insufficientinformationtodrawaconclusion,"Isaid.

"Oh,really?"MissCaparossiasked."IsthatwhattheysayinabigcitylikePhoenix?"Shepronounced
it."Feeeeenix."Thensheturnedtotheclassandsaidinahigh,mockingvoice."Insufficient
informationtodrawaconclusion."
Theclasslaughedviolently.
Ifeltsomethingsharpandpainfulbetweenmyshoulderbladesandturnedaround.Thetallblackgirl
withthealmondeyeswassittingatthedeskbehindme.Holdingupthesharppencilshehadjabbed
intomyback,shesmiledthesamemalicioussmileI'dseenintheplayground.
***
IlookedforBrianinthecafeteriaatlunchtime,butfourthgraderswereonadifferentschedule,soIsat
bymyselfandbitintothesandwichErmahadmadeformethatmorning.Itwastastelessandgreasy.I
pulledapartthetwoslicesofWonderbread.Insidewasathinsmearoflard.Thatwasit.Nomeat,no
cheese,notevenasliceofpickle.Evenso,Ichewedslowly,staringintentlyatmybitemarksinthe
breadtodelayaslongaspossiblethemomentIwouldhavetoleavethecafeteriaandgoouttothe
playground.WhenIwasthelaststudentleftinthecafeteria,thejanitor,whowasputtingthechairson
thetabletopssothefloorcouldbemopped,toldmeitwastimetogo.
Outside,athinmisthunginthestillair.Ipulledthesidesofmylamb'swoolcoattogether.Threeblack
girls,ledbytheonewiththealmondeyes,startedmovingtowardmeassoonastheysawme.Ahalf
dozenothergirlsfollowed.Withinmoments,Iwassurrounded.
"Youthinkyoubetterthanus?"thetallgirlasked.
"No,"Isaid."Ithinkwe'reallequal."
"Youthinkyouasgoodasme?"Shepunchedatme.When,insteadofraisingmyhandsindefense,I
keptclutchingmycoatclosed,sherealizedithadnobuttons."Thisgirlain'tgotnobuttonsonher
coat!"sheshouted.Thatseemedtogiveherthelicensesheneeded.Shepushedmeinthechest,andI
fellbackward.Itriedtogetup,butallthreegirlsstartedkickingme.Irolledawayintoapuddle,
shoutingforthemtoquitandhittingbackatthefeetcomingatmefromallsides.Theothergirlshad
closedinacirclearoundusandnoneoftheteacherscouldseewhatwasgoingon.Therewasno
stoppingthosegirlsuntilthey'dhadtheirfill.
WHENWEALLGOThomethatafternoon,MomandDadwereeagertohearaboutourfirstday.
"Itwasgood,"Isaid.Ididn'twanttotellMomthetruth.Iwasinnomoodtohearoneofherlectures
aboutthepowerofpositivethinking.
"See?"shesaid."Itoldyouyou'dfitrightin."
BrianshruggedoffMomandDad'squestions,andLorididn'twanttotalkaboutherdayatall.
"Howweretheotherkids?"Iaskedherlater.

"Okay,"shesaid,butsheturnedaway,andthatwastheendoftheconversation.
***
Thebullyingcontinuedeverydayforweeks.Thetallgirl,whosenamewasDinitiaHewitt,watchedme
withhersmilewhileweallwaitedontheasphaltplaygroundforclassestostart.Atlunch,Iatemylard
sandwicheswithparalyticslowness,butsoonerorlater,thejanitorstartedputtingthechairsuponthe
tables.Iwalkedoutsidetryingtoholdmyheadhigh,andDinitiaandhergangsurroundedmeandit
began.
Aswefought,theycalledmepooranduglyanddirty,anditwashardtoarguethepoint.Ihadthree
dressestomyname,allhandmedownsorfromathriftstore,whichmeanteachweekIhadtowear
twoofthemtwice.Theyweresowornfromcountlesswashingsthatthethreadswerebeginningto
separate.Wewerealsoalwaysdirty.Notdrydirtylikewe'dbeeninthedesert,butgrimydirtyand
smudgedwithoilydustfromthecoalburningstove.Ermaallowedusonlyonebathaweekinfour
inchesofwaterthathadbeenheatedonthekitchenstoveandthatallofuskidshadtoshare.
IthoughtofdiscussingthefightingwithDad,butIdidn'twanttosoundlikeawhiner.Also,he'drarely
beensobersincewehadarrivedinWelch,andIwasafraidthatifItoldhim,he'dshowupatschool
snockeredandmakethingsevenworse.
IdidtrytotalktoMom.Icouldn'tbringmyselftotellheraboutthebeatings,fearingthatifIdid,she'd
trytobuttinandshe'dalsoonlymakethingsworse.Ididsaythatthesethreeblackgirlsweregiving
meahardtimebecauseweweresopoor.MomtoldmeIshouldtellthemtherewasnothingwrongwith
beingpoor,thatAbrahamLincoln,thegreatestpresidentthiscountryhadeverseen,camefromadirt
poorfamily.ShealsosaidIshouldtellthemMartinLutherKing,Jr.,wouldbeashamedoftheir
behavior.EventhoughIknewthesehighmindedargumentswouldgetmenowhere,Itriedthem
anywayMartinLutherKingwouldbeashamed!andtheymadethethreegirlsshriekwithlaughter
astheypushedmetotheground.
LyinginStanley'sbedatnightwithLori,Brian,andMaureen,Iconcoctedrevengescenarios.I
imaginedmyselflikeDadinhisairforcedays,whuppingtheentirelotofthem.Afterschool,I'dgoout
tothewoodpilenexttothebasementandpracticekaratechopsanddropkicksonthekindlingwhile
layingdownsomeprettywickedcursewords.ButIalsokeptthinkingaboutDinitia,tryingtomake
senseofher.Ihopedforawhiletobefriendher.I'dseenDinitiasmileafewtimeswithgenuine
warmth,andittransformedherface.Withasmilelikethat,shehadtohavesomegoodinher,butI
couldn'tfigureouthowtogethertoshineitmyway.
***
AboutamonthafterI'dstartedschool,Iwaswalkingupsomestepstoaparkatthetopofthehillwhen
Iheardalow,furiousbarkingcomingfromtheothersideoftheWorldWarImemorial.Iranupthe
stairsandsawabig,latheredupmongrelcorneringalittleblackkidofaboutfiveorsixagainstthe
monument.Thekidkeptgivingkicksatthedogasitbarkedandlungedathim.Thekidwaslooking
overatthetreelineonthefarsideofthepark,andIcouldtellhewascalculatingthechancesofmaking
itoverthere.
"Don'trun!"Ishouted.

Theboylookedupatme.Sodidthedog,andinthatinstant,thekidtookoffinahopelessdashforthe
trees.Thedogboundedafterhim,barking,thencaughtupwithhimandsnappedathislegs.
Now,therearemaddogsandwilddogsandkillerdogs,andanyoneofthemwouldgoforyourthroat
andholdonuntilyouoritwasdead,butIcouldtellthisdogwasnottrulybad.Insteadoftearinginto
thekid,itwashavingfunterrifyinghim,growlingandpullingonhispantlegbutdoingnoreal
damage.Itwasjustamuttwhohadbeenkickedaroundtoomuchandwashappytofindacreaturewho
wasafraidofit.
Ipickedupastickandracedtowardthem."Goon,now!"Ishoutedatthedog.WhenIraisedthestick,
itwhimperedandslunkoff.
Thedog'steethhadnotbrokentheboy'sskin,buthispantlegwastorn,andhewastremblingasifhe
hadpalsy.Iofferedtotakehimhome,andIendedupcarryinghimpiggyback.Hewasfeatherlight.I
couldn'tgetawordoutofhimexceptthemostminimaldirections."upthere,"."thatway"inavoiceI
couldhardlyhear.
Thehousesintheneighborhoodwereoldbutfreshlypainted,someinbrightcolorslikelavenderor
kellygreen."Thishere,"theboywhisperedwhenwecametoahousewithblueshutters.Ithadaneat
yardbutwassosmallthatdwarvescouldhavelivedthere.WhenIputthekiddown,hedashedupthe
stepsandthroughthedoor.Iturnedtogo.
DinitiaHewittwasstandingontheporchacrossthestreet,lookingatmecuriously.
***
ThenextdaywhenIwentouttotheplaygroundafterlunch,thegangofgirlsstartedtowardme,but
Dinitiahungback.Withouttheirleader,theotherslosttheirsenseofpurposeandstoppedshortofme.
Thefollowingweek,DinitiaaskedmeforhelponanEnglishassignment.Sheneversaidshewassorry
forthebullying,orevenmentionedit,butshethankedmeforbringingherneighborhomethatnight,
andIfiguredthatherrequestforhelpwasasclosetoanapologyasIwouldget.Ermahadmadeitclear
howshefeltaboutblackpeople,soinsteadofinvitingDinitiatoourhousetoworkonherassignment,I
suggestedthatontheupcomingSaturday,I'dgotohers.
ThatdayIwasleavingthehouseatthesametimeasUncleStanley.Heneverhadthewherewithalto
learntodrive,butsomeonefromtheappliancestorewhereheworkedwaspickinghimup.Heaskedif
Iwantedaride,too.WhenItoldhimwhereIwasheaded,hefrowned."That'sNiggerville,"hesaid.
"Whatyougoingtherefor?"
Stanleydidn'twanthisfriendtodrivemethere,soIwalked.WhenIgotbackhomelaterinthe
afternoon,thehousewasemptyexceptforErma,whoneversetfootoutside.Shestoodinthekitchen,
stirringapotofgreenbeansandtakingswigsfromthebottleofhoochinherpocket.
"So,howwasNiggerville?"sheasked.
Ermawasalwaysgoingonabout."theniggers."HerandGrandpa'shousewasonCourtStreet,onthe
edgeoftheblackneighborhood.Itgalledherwhentheystartedmovingintothatsectionoftown,and

shealwayssaiditwastheirfaultthatWelchhadgonedownhill.Whenyouweresittingintheliving
room,whereErmaalwayskepttheshadesdrawn,youcouldheargroupsofblackpeoplewalkinginto
town,talkingandlaughing."Goddamnniggers,"Ermaalwaysmuttered."ThereasonIhavenotgone
outofthishouseinfifteenyearsisbecauseIdonotwanttoseeorbeseenbyanigger."MomandDad
hadalwaysforbiddenustousethatword.Itwasmuchworsethananycurseword,theytoldus.But
sinceErmawasmygrandmother,Ineversaidanythingwhensheusedit.
Ermakeptstirringthebeans."Keepthisupandpeoplearegoingtothinkyou'reaniggerlover,"she
said.
Shegavemeaseriouslook,asifimpartingameaningfullifelessonIshouldponderandabsorb.She
unscrewedthecapfromherbottleofhoochandtookalong,contemplativeswallow.
AsIwatchedherdrinking,IfeltthispressurebuildinginmychestandIhadtoletitout."You'renot
supposedtousethatword,"Isaid.
Erma'sfacewentslackwithastonishment.
"Momsaysthey'rejustlikeus,"Icontinued."excepttheyhavedifferentcomplexions."
Ermaglaredatme.Ithoughtshewasgoingtobackhandme,butinsteadshesaid,"Youungratefullittle
shit.I'llbedamnedifyou'reeatingmyfoodtonight.Getyourworthlessassdowntothebasement."
***
LorigavemeahugwhensheheardI'dtoldoffErma.Momwasupset,though."Wemaynotagreewith
allofErma'sviews,"shesaid,"butwehavetorememberthataslongaswe'reherguests,wehavetobe
polite."
Thatdidn'tseemlikeMom.SheandDadhappilyrailedagainstanyonetheydislikedordisrespected:
StandardOilexecutives,J.EdgarHoover,andespeciallysnobsandracists.They'dalwaysencouraged
ustobeoutspokenaboutouropinions.Nowweweresupposedtobiteourtongues.Butshewasright;
Ermawouldbootus.Situationslikethese,Irealized,werewhatturnedpeopleintohypocrites.
"IhateErma,"ItoldMom.
"Youhavetoshowcompassionforher,"Momsaid.Erma'sparentshaddiedwhenshewasyoung,Mom
explained,andshehadbeenshippedofftoonerelativeafteranotherwhohadtreatedherlikeaservant.
ScrubbingclothesonawashboarduntilherknucklesbledthatwasthepreeminentmemoryofErma's
childhood.ThebestthingGrandpadidforherwhentheygotmarriedwasbuyheranelectricwashing
machine,butwhateverjoyithadoncegivenherwaslonggone.
"Ermacan'tletgoofhermisery,"Momsaid."It'sallsheknows."Sheaddedthatyoushouldneverhate
anyone,evenyourworstenemies."Everyonehassomethinggoodaboutthem,"shesaid."Youhaveto
findtheredeemingqualityandlovethepersonforthat."
"Ohyeah?"Isaid."HowaboutHitler?Whatwashisredeemingquality?"

"Hitlerloveddogs,"Momsaidwithouthesitation.
INLATEWINTER,MomandDaddecidedtodrivetheOldsmobilebacktoPhoenix.Theysaidthey
weregoingtofetchourbikesandalltheotherstuffwe'dhadtoleavebehind,pickupcopiesofour
schoolrecords,andseeiftheycouldrescueMom'sfruitwoodarcherysetfromtheirrigationditch
alongsidetheroadtotheGrandCanyon.WekidsweretoremaininWelch.SinceLoriwastheoldest,
MomandDadsaidshewasincharge.Ofcourse,wewereallanswerabletoErma.
Theyleftonemorningduringathaw.IcouldtellbythehighcolorinMom'scheeksthatshewas
excitedabouttheprospectofanadventure.DadwasalsoclearlyitchingtogetoutofWelch.Hehadnot
foundajob,andweweredependentonErmaforeverything.LorihadsuggestedthatDadgotoworkin
themines,buthesaidthemineswerecontrolledbytheunions,andtheunionswerecontrolledbythe
mob,andthemobhadblackballedhimforinvestigatingcorruptionintheelectricians'unionbackin
Phoenix.AnotherreasonforhimtoreturntoPhoenixwastogatherhisresearchoncorruption,because
theonlywayhecouldgetajobinthemineswasbyhelpingreformtheUnitedMineWorkersof
America.
Iwishedwewereallgoingtogether.IwantedtobebackinPhoenix,sittingundertheorangetrees
behindouradobehouse,ridingmybiketothelibrary,eatingfreebananasinaschoolwherethe
teachersthoughtIwassmart.Iwantedtofeelthedesertsunonmyfaceandbreatheinthedrydesertair
andclimbthesteeprockmountainswhileDadledusononeofthelonghikesthathecalledgeological
surveyexpeditions.
Iaskedifwecouldallgo,butDadsaidheandMomweremakingaquicktrip,strictlybusiness,andwe
kidswouldonlygetintheway.Besides,hecouldn'tgotakingusoutofschoolinthemiddleoftheyear.
Ipointedoutthatithadneverbotheredhimbefore.Welchwasn'tlikethoseotherplaceswehadlived,
hesaid.Therewererulesthathadtobefollowed,andpeopledidn'ttakeitkindlywhenyouflouted
them.
"Doyouthinkthey'llcomeback?"BrianaskedasMomandDaddroveoff.
"Ofcourse,"Isaid,thoughIhadbeenwonderingthesamething.Thesedaysweseemedmoreofan
inconveniencethanweusedtobe.Loriwasalreadyateenager,andinacoupleofyears,BrianandI
wouldbe,too.Theycouldn'ttossusintothebackofaUHaulorputusincardboardboxesatnight.
BrianandIstartedrunningaftertheOldsmobile.Momturnedonceandwaved,andDadstuckhishand
outthewindow.WefollowedthemallthewaydownCourtStreet,wheretheypickedupspeedandthen
turnedthecorner.Ihadtobelievethey'dcomeback,Itoldmyself.IfIdidn'tbelieve,thentheymight
notreturn.Theymightleaveusforever.
***
AfterMomandDadleft,Ermabecameevenmorecantankerous.Ifshedidn'tlikethelookonourfaces,
shewouldhitusontheheadwithaservingspoon.Onceshepulledoutaframedphotographofher
fatherandtoldushewastheonlypersonwhohadeverlovedher.Shetalkedonandonabouthowmuch
she'dsufferedasanorphanatthehandsofherauntsanduncleswhohadn'ttreatedherhalfaskindlyas
shewastreatingus.

AboutaweekafterMomandDadleft,wekidswereallsittinginErma'slivingroomwatchingTV.
Stanleywassleepinginthefoyer.Erma,who'dbeendrinkingsincebeforebreakfast,toldBrianthathis
britchesneededmending.Hestartedtotakethemoff,butErmasaidshedidn'twanthimrunning
aroundthehouseinhisskivviesorwithatowelwrappedaroundhimlookinglikehewaswearinga
goddamndress.Itwouldbeeasierforhertomendthebritcheswhilehewasstillwearingthem.She
orderedhimtofollowherintoGrandpa'sbedroom,whereshekepthersewingkit.
They'dbeengoneforaminuteortwowhenIheardBrianweaklyprotesting.IwentintoGrandpa's
bedroomandsawErmakneelingonthefloorinfrontofBrian,grabbingatthecrotchofhispants,
squeezingandkneadingwhilemumblingtoherselfandtellingBriantoholdstill,goddammit.Brian,
hischeekswetwithtears,washoldinghishandsprotectivelybetweenhislegs.
"Erma,youleavehimalone!"Ishouted.
Erma,stillonherknees,twistedaroundandglaredatme."Why,youlittlebitch!"shesaid.
Loriheardthecommotionandcamerunning.ItoldLorithatErmawastouchingBrianinawayshe
oughtnottobe.ErmasaidshewasmerelymendingBrian'sinseamandthatsheshouldn'thaveto
defendherselfagainstsomelyinglittlewhore'saccusations.
"IknowwhatIsaw,"Isaid."She'sapervert!"
Ermareachedovertoslapme,butLoricaughtherhand."Let'sallcalmdown,"Lorisaidinthesame
voicesheusedwhenMomandDadgotcarriedaway,arguing."Everybody.Calmdown."
ErmajerkedherhandoutofLori'sgraspandslappedhersohardthatLori'sglasseswentflyingacross
theroom.Lori,whohadturnedthirteen,slappedherback.ErmahitLoriagain,andthistimeLori
struckErmaablowinthejaw.Thentheyflewateachother,tusslingandflailingandpullinghair,
lockedtogether,withBrianandmecheeringonLoriuntilwewokeupUncleStanley,whostaggered
intotheroomandpushedthemapart.
Ermarelegatedustothebasementafterthat.Adoorinthebasementleddirectlyoutside,sowenever
wentupstairs.Weweren'tevenallowedtouseErma'sbathroom,whichmeantweeitherhadtowaitfor
schoolorgooutsideafterdark.UncleStanleysometimessneakeddownbeanshe'dboiledforus,buthe
wasafraidifhestayedtalking,Ermawouldthinkhe'dtakenoursideandgetmadathim,too.
Thefollowingweek,astormhit.Thetemperaturedropped,andafootofsnowfellonWelch.Erma
wouldn'tletususeanycoalshesaidwedidn'tknowhowtooperatethestoveandwouldburnthe
housedownanditwassocoldinthebasementthatLori,Brian,Maureen,andIweregladweall
sharedonebed.Assoonaswegothomefromschool,we'dclimbunderthecoverswithourclotheson
anddoourhomeworkthere.
WewereinbedthenightMomandDadcameback.Wedidn'thearthesoundofthecarpullingup.All
weheardwasthefrontdooropeningupstairs,thenMomandDad'svoicesandErmabeginningthelong
narrativeofhergrievancesagainstus.ThatwasfollowedbythesoundofDadstompingdownthestairs

intothebasement,furiousatallofus,meforbacktalkingErmaandmakingwildaccusations,andLori
evenmorefordaringtostrikeherowngrandmother,andBrianforbeingsuchapussyandstartingthe
wholething.IthoughtDadwouldcomearoundtooursideoncehe'dheardwhathadhappened,andI
triedtoexplain.
"Idon'tcarewhathappened!"heyelled.
"Butwewerejustprotectingourselves,"Isaid.
"Brian'saman,hecantakeit,"hesaid."Idon'twanttohearanotherwordofthis.Doyouhearme?"He
wasshakinghishead,butwildly,almostasifhethoughthecouldkeepoutthesoundofmyvoice.He
wouldn'tevenlookatme.
AfterDadhadgonebackupstairstotieintoErma'shoochandwekidswereallinbed,Brianbitmytoe
totrytomakemelaugh,butIkickedhimaway.Wealllaythereinthesilentdarkness.
"Dadwasreallyweird,"Isaid,becausesomeonehadtosayit.
"You'dbeweird,too,ifErmawasyourmom,"Lorisaid.
"DoyouthinksheeverdidsomethingtoDadlikewhatshedidtoBrian?"Iasked.
Noonesaidathing.
Itwasgrossandcreepytothinkabout,butitwouldexplainalot.WhyDadlefthomeassoonashe
could.Whyhedranksomuchandwhyhegotsoangry.WhyheneverwantedtovisitWelchwhenwe
wereyounger.WhyheatfirstrefusedtocometoWestVirginiawithusandonlyatthelastpossible
momentovercamehisreluctanceandjumpedintothecar.Whyhewasshakinghisheadsohard,almost
likehewantedtoputhishandsoverhisears,whenItriedtoexplainwhatErmahadbeendoingto
Brian.
"Don'tthinkaboutthingslikethat,"Loritoldme."It'llmakeyoucrazy."
AndsoIputitoutofmymind.
MOMANDDADTOLDushowthey'dmadeittoPhoenixonlytofindthatMom'slaundryonthe
clotheslineployhadn'tkeptoutintruders.OurhouseonNorthThirdStreethadbeenlooted.Pretty
mucheverythingwasgone,including,ofcourse,ourbikes.MomandDadhadrentedatrailertocarry
backwhatlittlewasleftMomsaidthosefoolishthieveshadoverlookedsomegoodstuff,suchasa
pairofGrandmaSmith'sridingbreechesfromthethirtiesthatwereofthehighestqualitybutthe
Oldsmobile'senginehadseizedupinNashville,andthey'dhadtoabandonitalongwiththetrailerand
GrandmaSmith'sridingbreechesandtakethebustherestofthewaytoWelch.
IthoughtthatonceMomandDadreturned,they'dbeabletomakepeacewithErma.Butshesaidshe
couldneverforgiveuskidsanddidn'twantusinherhouseanylonger,evenifwestayedinthe

basementandkeptasquietaschurchmice.Wewerebanished.ThatwasthewordDadused."Youdid
wrong,"hesaid,"andnowwe'veallbeenbanished."
"Thisisn'texactlytheGardenofEden,"Lorisaid.
IwasmoreupsetaboutthebikethanIwasaboutErmabanishingus."Whydon'twejustmovebackto
Phoenix?"IaskedMom.
"We'vealreadybeenthere,"shesaid."Andthereareallsortsofopportunitiesherethatwedon'teven
knowabout."
SheandDadsetouttofindusanewplacetolive.ThecheapestrentalinWelchwasanapartmentover
adineronMcDowellStreetthatcostseventyfivedollarsamonth,whichwasoutofourpricerange.
Also,MomandDadwantedoutdoorspacewecouldcallourown,sotheydecidedtobuy.Sincewehad
nomoneyforadownpaymentandnosteadyincome,ouroptionswereprettylimited,butwithina
coupleofdays,MomandDadtoldustheyhadfoundahousewecouldafford."It'snotexactlypalatial,
sothere'sgoingtobealotoftogetherness,"Momsaid."Andit'sontherusticside."
"Howrustic?"Loriasked.
Mompaused.Icouldseeherdebatinghowtophraseheranswer."Itdoesn'thaveindoorplumbing,"she
said.
***
DadwasstilllookingforacartoreplacetheOldsourbudgetwasinthehightwofiguressothat
weekendweallhikedoverforourfirstlookatthenewplace.Wewalkeddownthevalleythroughthe
centeroftownandaroundamountainside,pastthesmall,tidybrickhousesputupafterthemineswere
unionized.WecrossedacreekthatfedintotheTugRiverandstartedupabarelypavedonelaneroad
calledLittleHobartStreet.Itclimbedthroughseveralswitchbacksand,forastretch,roseatanangleso
steepyouhadtowalkonyourtoes;ifyoutriedwalkingflatfooted,youstretchedyourcalvestillthey
hurt.
Thehousesupherewereshabbierthanthebrickhouseslowerdowninthevalley.Theyweremadeof
wood,withlopsidedporches,saggingroofs,rustedoutgutters,andbaldingtarpaperorasphaltshingles
slowlybutsurelypartingfromtheunderwall.Inalmosteveryyard,amuttortwowaschainedtoatree
ortoaclotheslinepost,andtheybarkedfuriouslyaswewalkedby.LikemosthousesinWelch,these
wereheatedbycoal.Themoreprosperousfamilieshadcoalsheds;thepooreroneslefttheircoalina
pileoutfront.Theporcheswereeverybitasfurnishedastheinsidesofmosthouses,withruststained
refrigerators,foldingcardtables,hookrugs,couchesorcarseatsforseriousporchsitting,andmaybea
batteredarmoirewithaholecutinthesidesothecatwouldhaveacozyplacetosleep.
Wefollowedtheroadalmosttotheend,whereDadpointedupatournewhouse.
"Well,kids,welcometoNinetythreeLittleHobartStreet!"Momsaid."Welcometohomesweet
home."
Weallstared.Thehousewasadinkythingperchedhighupofftheroadonahillsidesosteepthatonly

thebackofthehouserestedontheground.Thefront,includingadroopingporch,juttedprecariously
intotheair,supportedbytall,spindlycinderblockpillars.Ithadbeenpaintedwhitealongtimeago,
butthepaint,whereithadn'tpeeledoffaltogether,hadturnedadismalgray.
"It'sgoodweraisedyouyoung'unstobetough,"Dadsaid."Becausethisisnotahouseforthefaintof
heart."
Dadledusupthelowersteps,whichweremadeofrocksslappedtogetherwithcement.Becauseof
settlinganderosionanddownrightslipshodconstruction,theytilteddangerouslytowardthestreet.
Wherethestonestepsended,aricketysetofstairsmadefromtwobyfoursmorelikealadderthana
staircasetookyouuptothefrontporch.
Insidewerethreerooms,eachabouttenfeetbytenfeet,facingontothefrontporch.Thehousehadno
bathroom,butunderneathit,behindoneofthecinderblockpillars,wasaclosetsizedroomwitha
toiletonacementfloor.Thetoiletwasn'thookeduptoanysewerorsepticsystem.Itjustsatatopahole
aboutsixfeetdeep.Therewasnorunningwaterindoors.Awaterspigotroseafewinchesabovethe
groundnearthetoilet,soyoucouldgetabucketandtotewaterupstairs.Whilethehousewaswiredfor
electricity,Dadconfessedthatwecouldnotatthemomentaffordtohaveitturnedon.
Ontheupside,Dadsaid,thehousehadcostonlyathousanddollars,andtheownerhadwaivedthe
downpayment.Weweresupposedtopayhimfiftydollarsamonth.Ifwecouldmakethepaymentson
time,we'downtheplaceoutrightinundertwoyears.
"Hardtobelievethatonedaythiswillallbeours,"saidLori.ShewasdevelopingwhatMomcalleda
bitofasarcasticstreak.
"Countyourblessings,"Momsaid."TherearepeopleinEthiopiawhowouldkillforaplacelikethis."
Shepointedoutthatthehousedidhavesomeattractivefeatures.Forexample,inthelivingroomwasa
castironpotbelliedcoalstoveforheatingandcooking.Itwasbigandhandsome,withheavybearclaw
feet,andshewascertainitwasvaluable,ifyoutookittoaplacewherepeopleappreciatedantiques.
Butsincethehousehadnochimney,thestovepipeventedoutabackwindow.Someonehadreplaced
theglassintheupperpartofthewindowwithplywood,andwrappedtinfoilaroundtheopeningtokeep
thecoalsmokefromleakingintotheroom.Thetinfoilhadnotdoneitsjobtoowell,andtheceilingwas
blackwithsoot.Someoneprobablythesamesomeonehadalsomadethemistakeoftryingtoclean
theceilinginafewspots,buthadendeduponlysmudgingandsmearingthesoot,creatingwhitish
patchesthatmadeyourealizehowblacktherestoftheceilingwas.
"Thehouseitselfisn'tmuch,"Dadapologized."butwewon'tbelivinginitlong."Theimportantthing,
thereasonheandMomhaddecidedtoacquirethisparticularpieceofproperty,wasthatitcamewith
plentyoflandtobuildournewhouse.Heplannedtogettoworkonitrightaway.Heintendedtofollow
theblueprintsfortheGlassCastle,buthehadtodosomeseriousreconfiguringandincreasethesizeof
thesolarcellstotakeintoaccountthatsincewewereonthenorthfaceofthemountain,andenclosed
byhillsonbothsides,we'dhardlyevergetanysun.
***
Wemovedinthatafternoon.Notthattherewasmuchtomove.Dadborrowedapickupfromthe
appliancestorewhereUncleStanleyworked,andbroughtbackasofabedthatafriendofGrandpa's

wasthrowingout.Dadalsoscavengedacoupleoftablesandchairs,andhebuiltsomemakeshift
closetswhichwereactuallykindofniftybyhanginglengthsofpipefromtheceilingwithwires.
MomandDadtookovertheroomwiththestove,anditbecameacombinedlivingroom,master
bedroom,artstudio,andwriter'sstudy.Weputthesofabedthere,thoughonceweopenedit,itnever
wentbacktobeingasofa.DadbuiltshelvesallalongtheupperwallstostoreMom'sartsupplies.She
setuphereaselunderthestovepipe,rightnexttothebackwindow,becauseshesaiditgotnatural
sunlightwhichitdid,relativelyspeaking.Sheputhertypewritersunderanotherwindow,withshelves
forhermanuscriptsandworksinprogress,andsheimmediatelystartedthumbtackingindexcardswith
storyideastothewalls.
Wekidsallsleptinthemiddleroom.Atfirstwesharedonebigbedthathadbeenleftbytheprevious
owner,butDaddecidedweweregettingatadoldforthat.Wewerealsotoobigtosleepincardboard
boxes,andtherewasn'tenoughroomonthefloorforthem,anyway,sowehelpedDadbuildtwosetsof
bunkbeds.Wemadetheframeswithtwobyfours;thenwedrilledholesinthesidesandthreaded
ropesthrough.Formattresses,welaidcardboardovertheropes.Whenwefinished,ourbunkbeds
lookedsortofplain,sowespraypaintedthesideswithornateredandblackcurlicues.Dadcamehome
withadiscardedfourdrawerdresser,onedrawerforeachofus.Healsobuilteachofusawoodenbox
withslidingdoorsforpersonalstuff.Wenailedthemonthewallaboveourbeds,andthatwaswhereI
keptmygeode.
Thethirdroomat93LittleHobartStreet,thekitchen,wasinacategoryallitsown.Ithadanelectric
stove,butthewiringwasnotexactlyuptocode,withfaultyconnectors,exposedlines,andbuzzing
switches."HelenKellermusthavewiredthisdamnhouse,"Daddeclared.Hedecideditwastoo
convolutedtobotherfixing.
Wecalledthekitchentheloosejuiceroom,becauseontherareoccasionsthatwehadpaidthe
electricitybillandhadpower,we'dgetawickedelectricshockifwetouchedanydampormetallic
surfaceintheroom.ThefirsttimeIgotzapped,itknockedmybreathoutandleftmetwitchingonthe
floor.Wequicklylearnedthatwheneverweventuredintothekitchen,weneededtowrapourhandsin
thedriestsocksorragswecouldfind.Ifwegotashock,we'dannounceittoeveryoneelse,sortoflike
givingaweatherreport."Bigjoltfromtouchingthestovetoday,"we'dsay."Wearextrarags."
Onecornerofthekitchenceilingleakedlikeasieve.Everytimeitrained,theplasterboardceiling
wouldgetallswollenandheavy,withwaterstreamingsteadilyfromthecenterofthebulge.Duringone
particularlyfiercerainstormthatspring,theceilinggrewsofatitburst,andwaterandplasterboard
camecrashingdownontothefloor.Dadneverrepairedit.Wekidstriedpatchingtheroofonourown
withtarpaper,tinfoil,wood,andElmer'sglue,butnomatterwhatwedid,thewaterfounditsway
through.Eventuallywegaveup.Soeverytimeitrainedoutside,itrainedinthekitchen,too.
***
AtfirstMomtriedtomakelivingat93LittleHobartStreetseemlikeanadventure.Thewomanwho
hadlivedtherebeforeusleftbehindanoldfashionedsewingmachinethatyouoperatedwithafoot
treadle.Momsaiditwouldcomeinhandybecausewecouldmakeourownclothesevenwhenthe
electricitywasturnedoff.Shealsoclaimedyoudidn'tneedpatternstosew,youcouldgetcreativeand
wingit.Shortlyafterwemovedin,Mom,Lori,andImeasuredoneanotherandtriedtomakeourown
dresses.

Ittookforever,andtheycameoutbaggyandlopsided,withsleevesthatweredifferentlengthsand
armholesinthemiddleofourbacks.Icouldn'tgetmineovermyheaduntilMomsnippedoutafew
stitches."It'sstunning!"shesaid.ButItoldherIlookedlikeIwaswearingabigpillowcasewith
elephanttrunksstickingoutofthesides.Lorirefusedtowearhersoutdoors,orevenindoors,andMom
hadtoagreethatsewingwasn'tthebestuseofourcreativeenergyorourmoney.Thecheapestcloth
wecouldfindcostseventyninecentsayard,andyouneededmorethantwoyardsforadress.Itmade
moresensetobuythriftstoreclothes,andtheyhadthearmholesintherightplaces.
Momalsotriedtomakethehousecheerful.Shedecoratedthelivingroomwallswithheroilpaintings,
andsooneverysquareinchwascovered,exceptforthespaceabovehertypewriterreservedforindex
cards.Wehadvividdesertsunsets,stampedinghorses,sleepingcats,snowcoveredmountains,bowls
offruit,bloomingflowers,andportraitsofuskids.
SinceMomhadmorepaintingsthanwehadwallspace,Dadnailedlongshelfbracketstothewall,and
shehungonepictureinfrontofanotheruntiltheywerethreeorfourdeep.Thenshe'drotatethe
paintings."Justalittleredecoratingtoperktheplaceup,"she'dsay.ButIbelievedshethoughtofher
paintingsaschildrenandwantedthemtofeelthattheywereallbeingtreatedequally.
Momalsobuiltrowsofshelvesinthewindowsandarrangedbrightlycoloredbottlestocatchthelight.
"Nowitlookslikewehavestainedglass,"sheannounced.Itdid,sortof,butthehousewasstillcold
anddank.Everynightforthefirstfewweeks,lyingonmycardboardmattressandlisteningtothesound
ofrainwaterdrippinginthekitchen,IdreamedofthedesertandthesunandthebighouseinPhoenix
withthepalmtreeinthefrontandtheorangetreesandoleandersintheback.Wehadownedthathouse
outright.Stillownedit,Ikeptthinking.Itwasours,theonetruehomewe'deverhad.
"Areweevergoinghome?"IaskedDadoneday.
"Home?"
"Phoenix."
"Thisishomenow."
SEEINGASHOWWELCHwasournewhome,BrianandIfiguredwe'dmakethebestofit.Dadhad
shownusthespotnearthehousewhereweweregoingtoputthefoundationandbasementfortheGlass
Castle.He'dmeasureditoffandmarkeditwithstakesandstring.SinceDadwashardlyeverhomehe
wasoutmakingcontactsandinvestigatingtheUMW,hetoldusandnevergotaroundtobreaking
ground,BrianandIdecidedtohelp.Wefoundashovelandpickaxatanabandonedfarmandspentjust
abouteveryfreeminutediggingahole.Weknewwehadtodigitbiganddeep."Nopointinbuildinga
goodhouseunlessyouputdowntherightfoundation,"Dadalwayssaid.
Itwashardwork,butafteramonthwe'ddugaholedeepenoughforustodisappearin.Eventhoughwe
hadn'tsquaredtheedgesorsmoothedthefloor,wewerestillprettydarnproudofourselves.OnceDad
hadpouredthefoundation,wecouldhelphimontheframe.

Butsincewecouldn'taffordtopaythetown'strashcollectionfee,ourgarbagewasreallypilingup.One
dayDadtoldustodumpitinthehole.
"Butthat'sfortheGlassCastle,"Isaid.
"It'satemporarymeasure,"Dadtoldme.Heexplainedthathewasgoingtohireatrucktocartthe
garbagetothedumpallatonce.Buthenevergotaroundtothat,either,andasBrianandIwatched,the
holefortheGlassCastle'sfoundationslowlyfilledwithgarbage.
Aroundthattime,probablybecauseofallthegarbage,abig,nastylookingriverrattookupresidence
at93LittleHobartStreet.Ifirstsawhiminthesugarbowl.Thisratwastoobigtofitintoanordinary
sugarbowl,butsinceMomhadapowerfulsweettooth,puttingatleasteightteaspoonsinacupoftea,
wekeptoursugarinapunchbowlonthekitchentable.
Thisratwasnotjusteatingthesugar.Hewasbathinginit,wallowinginit,positivelyluxuriatinginit,
hisflickeringtailhangingoverthesideofthebowl,flingingsugaracrossthetable.WhenIsawhim,I
froze,thenbackedoutofthekitchen.ItoldBrian,andweopenedthekitchendoorcautiously.Therat
hadclimbedoutofthesugarbowlandleapedupontothestove.Wecouldseehisteethmarksonthe
pileofpotatoes,ourdinner,onaplateonthestove.Brianthrewthecastironskilletattherat.Ithithim
andclangedonthefloor,butinsteadoffleeing,therathissedatus,asifweweretheintruders.Weran
outofthekitchen,slammedthedoor,andstuffedragsinthegapbeneathit.
ThatnightMaureen,whowasfive,wastooterrifiedtosleep.Shekeptonsayingthattheratwas
comingtogether.Shecouldhearitcreepingnearerandnearer.Itoldhertostopbeingsuchawuss.
"Ireallydoheartherat,"shesaid."Ithinkhe'sclosetome."
Itoldhershewaslettingfeargetthebestofher,andsincethiswasoneofthosetimesthatwehad
electricity,Iturnedonthelighttoproveit.There,crouchedonMaureen'slavenderblanket,afewinches
awayfromherface,wastherat.Shescreamedandpushedoffhercovers,andtheratjumpedtothe
floor.Igotabroomandtriedtohittheratwiththehandle,butitdodgedme.Briangrabbedabaseball
bat,andwemaneuveredit,hissingandsnapping,intoacorner.
Ourdog,Tinkle,thepartJackRussellterrierwhohadfollowedBrianhomeoneday,caughttheratin
hisjawsandbangeditontheflooruntilitwasdead.WhenMomranintotheroom,Tinklewasstrutting
around,allpumpedupliketheproudbeastslayerthathewas.Momsaidshefeltalittlesorryforthe
rat."Ratsneedtoeat,too,"shepointedout.Eventhoughitwasdead,itdeservedaname,shewenton,
soshechristeneditRufus.Brian,whohadreadthatprimitivewarriorsplacedthebodypartsoftheir
victimsonstakestoscareofftheirenemies,hungRufusbythetailfromapoplartreeinfrontofour
housethenextmorning.Thatafternoonweheardthesoundofgunshots.Mr.Freeman,wholivednext
door,hadseentherathangingupsidedown.Rufuswassobig,Mr.Freemanthoughthewasapossum,
wentandgothishuntingrifle,andblewhimcleanaway.TherewasnothingleftofRufusbutamangled
pieceoftail.
***
AftertheRufusincident,Isleptwithabaseballbatinmybed.Briansleptwithamacheteinhis.

Maureencouldbarelysleepatall.Shekeptdreamingthatshewasbeingeatenbyrats,andsheused
everyexcuseshecouldtospendthenightatfriends'houses.MomandDadshruggedofftheRufus
incident.Theytoldusthatwehaddonebattlewithfierceradversariesinthepast,andwewouldagain
someday.
"Whatarewegoingtodoaboutthegarbagepit?"Iasked."It'salmostfilledup."
"Enlargeit,"Momsaid.
"Wecan'tkeepdumpinggarbageoutthere,"Isaid."Whatarepeoplegoingtothink?"
"Life'stooshorttoworryaboutwhatotherpeoplethink,"Momsaid."Anyway,theyshouldacceptus
forwhoweare."
Iwasconvincedthatpeoplemightbemoreacceptingofusifwemadeanefforttoimprovetheway93
LittleHobartStreetlooked.Therewereplentyofthingswecoulddo,Ifelt,thatwouldcostalmost
nothing.SomepeoplearoundWelchcuttiresintotwosemicircles,paintedthemwhite,andusedthem
asedgingfortheirgardens.Maybewecouldn'taffordtobuildtheGlassCastlequiteyet,butcertainly
wecouldputpaintedtiresaroundourfrontyardtospruceitup."Itwouldmakeusfitinalittlebit,"I
pleadedwithMom.
"Itsurewould,"Momsaid.ButwhenitcametoWelch,shehadnointerestinfittingin."I'dratherhave
ayardfilledwithgenuinegarbagethanwithtrashylawnornaments."
Ikeptlookingforotherwaystomakeimprovements.OnedayDadbroughthomeafivegalloncanof
housepaintleftoverfromsomejobhe'dworkedon.ThenextmorningIpriedthecanopen.Itwas
nearlyfullofbrightyellowpaint.Dadhadbroughtsomepaintbrusheshome,too.Alayerofyellow
paint,Irealized,wouldcompletelytransformourdingygrayhouse.Itwouldlook,atleastfromthe
outside,almostlikethehousesotherpeoplelivedin.
IwassoexcitedbytheprospectoflivinginaperkyyellowhomethatIcouldbarelysleepthatnight.I
gotupearlythenextdayandtiedmyhairback,readytobeginthehousepainting."Ifweallwork
together,wecangetitdoneinadayortwo,"Itoldeveryone.
ButDadsaid93LittleHobartStreetwassuchadumpthatweshouldn'twastetimeorenergyonitthat
wecouldbedevotingtotheGlassCastle.Momsaidshethoughtbrightyellowhousesweretacky.Brian
andLorisaidwedidn'thavetheladdersandscaffoldingweneeded.
DadwasmakingnovisibleprogressontheGlassCastle,andIknewthatthecanofyellowpaintwould
sitontheporchunlessIundertookthejobmyself.I'dborrowaladderormakeone,Idecided.Iwas
certainthatonceeveryonesawtheamazingtransformationofthehousebegin,they'dalljoinin.
Outontheporch,Iopenedthecanandstirredthepaintwithastick,blendingintheoilthathadrisento
thesurfaceuntilthepaint,whichwasthecolorofbuttercups,hadturnedcreamy.Idippedinafatbrush
andspreadthepaintalongtheoldclapboardsidinginlong,smoothstrokes.Itwentonbrightand
glossyandlookedevenbetterthanIhadhoped.Istartedonthefarsideoftheporch,aroundthedoor

thatwentintothekitchen.Inafewhours,Ihadcoveredeverythingthatcouldbereachedfromthe
porch.Partsofthefrontwerestillunpainted,andsowerethesides,butIhadusedlessthanaquarterof
thepaint.Ifeveryoneelsehelped,wecouldpaintalltheareasIcouldn'treach,andinnotimewewould
haveacheerfulyellowhouse.
ButneitherMomnorDadnorBriannorLorinorMaureenwasimpressed."Sopartofthefrontofthe
houseisyellownow,"Lorisaid."That'sreallygoingtoturnthingsaroundforus."
Iwasgoingtohavetofinishthejobmyself.Itriedtomakealadderfrombitsofscrapwood,butitkept
collapsingwheneverIputmyweightonit.Iwasstilltryingtobuildasturdyladderwhen,duringacold
snapafewdayslater,mycanofpaintfrozesolid.Whenitgotwarmenoughforthepainttothaw,I
openedthecan.Duringthefreeze,thechemicalshadseparatedandtheoncesmoothliquidwasas
lumpyandrunnyascurdledmilk.IstirreditashardasIcouldandkeptstirringevenafterIknewthe
paintwasruined,becauseIalsoknewthatwe'dnevergetmore,andinsteadofafreshlypaintedyellow
house,orevenadingygrayone,wenowhadaweirdlookinghalffinishedpatchjobonethat
announcedtotheworldthatthepeopleinsidethehousewantedtofixitupbutlackedthegumptionto
gettheworkdone.
LITTLEHOBARTSTREETledupintooneofthosehollowssodeepandnarrowthatpeoplejoked
youhadtopipeinthesunlight.TheneighborhooddidhavelotsofkidsMaureenhadrealfriendsfor
thefirsttimeandwealltendedtohangoutattheNationalGuardarmoryatthefootofthehill.The
boysplayedtacklefootballonthetrainingfield.Mostofthegirlsmyagespenttheirafternoonssitting
onthebrickwallsurroundingthearmory,combingtheirhairandtouchinguptheirlipglossand
pretendingtogetallindignantbutsecretlylovingitifacrewcutreservistwolfwhistledatthem.One
ofthegirls,CindyThompson,madeaspecialefforttobefriendme,butitturnedoutthatwhatshe
reallywantedwastorecruitmeforthejuniorKuKluxKlan.Neitherputtingonmakeupnorwearinga
sheethadmuchappealforme,soIplayedfootballwiththeboys,whowouldwaivetheirguysonlyrule
andletmejoinateamiftheywereshortaplayer.
ThebetterofffolkofWelchhadnotexactlyflockedtoourpartoftown.Afewminerslivedalongthe
street,butmostofthegrownupsdidn'tworkatall.Someofthemomshadnohusbands,andsomeof
thedadshadblacklung.Therestwereeithertoodistractedbytheirtroublesorjustplainunmotivated,
soprettymucheveryonegrudginglyacceptedsomeformofpublicaid.Althoughwewerethepoorest
familyonLittleHobartStreet,MomandDadneverappliedforwelfareorfoodstamps,andtheyalways
refusedcharity.Whenteachersgaveusbagsofclothesfromchurchdrives,Mommadeustakethem
back."Wecantakecareofourown,"MomandDadlikedtosay."Wedon'taccepthandoutsfrom
anyone."
Ifthingsgottight,MomkeptremindingusthatsomeoftheotherkidsonLittleHobartStreethadit
tougherthanwedid.ThetwelveGradykidshadnodadhe'deitherdiedinaminecaveinorrunoff
withawhore,dependingonwhomyoulistenedtoandtheirmomspentherdaysinbedsufferingfrom
migraines.Asaresult,theGradyboysrancompletelywild.Itwashardtotellthemapart,becausethey
allworebluejeansandtornTshirtsandhadtheirheadsshavedbaldtokeepawaylice.Whentheoldest
boyfoundtheirdad'soldpumpactionshotgunundertheirmom'sbed,hedecidedtogetinsometarget
practiceonBrianandme,firingbuckshotatusasweranforourlivesthroughthewoods.

AndthenthereweretheHalls.AllsixoftheHallchildrenhadbeenbornmentallyretarded,and
althoughtheywerenowmiddleaged,theyallstilllivedathomewiththeirmomanddad.WhenIwas
friendlytotheoldest,KennyHall,whowasfortytwo,hedevelopedapowerfulcrushonme.Theother
kidsintheneighborhoodteasedKennybytellinghimthatifhegavethemadollarorstrippeddownto
hisskivviesandshowedthemhiswanker,they'darrangeformetogoonadatewithhim.OnaSaturday
night,ifhe'dbeensetuplikethat,he'dcomestandonthestreetinfrontofourhouse,sobbingand
holleringaboutmenotkeepingourdate,andI'dhavetogodownandexplaintohimthattheotherkids
hadplayedatrickonhimandthat,althoughhedidhavemanyadmirablequalities,Ihadapolicy
againstdatingoldermen.
ThefamilywhohaditthetoughestonLittleHobartStreet,Iwouldhavetosay,wasthePastors.The
mother,GinnieSuePastor,wasthetownwhore.GinnieSuePastorwasthirtythreeyearsoldandhad
eightdaughtersandoneson.TheirnamesallendedwithY.Herhusband,ClarencePastor,hadblack
lungandsatonthefrontporchoftheirhugesagginghousealldaylong,butheneversmiledorwaved
atpassersby.Justsattherelikehewasfrozen.Everyoneintownsaidhe'dbeenimpotentforyearsand
noneofthePastorkidswashis.
GinnieSuePastorprettymuchkepttoherself.AtfirstIwonderedifshelayaroundinalacynegligee
allday,smokingcigarettesandwaitingforgentlemencallers.BackinBattleMountain,thewomen
loungingonthefrontporchoftheGreenLanternI'dlongsincefiguredoutwhattheyreallydid
worewhitelipstickandblackmascaraandpartiallyunbuttonedblousesthatshowedthetopsoftheir
brassieres.ButGinnieSuePastordidn'tlooklikeawhore.Shewasablowsywomanwithdyedyellow
hair,andfromtimetotimewesawheroutinthefrontyard,choppingwoodorfillingascuttlefromthe
coalpile.Sheusuallyworethesamekindsofapronsandcanvasfarmcoatswornbytherestofthe
womenonLittleHobartStreet.Shelookedlikeanyothermom.
Ialsowonderedhowshedidherwhoringwithallthosekidstolookafter.OnenightIsawacarpullup
infrontofthePastorhouseandblinkitsheadlightstwice.Afteraminute,GinnieSuecamerunningout
thedoorandclimbedintothefrontseat.Thenthecardroveoff.
KathywasGinnieSuePastor'soldestdaughter.Theotherkidstreatedherlikeatotalpariah,crowing
thathermotherwasa."hoor"andcallingher."licegirl."Truthwas,shedidhaveaprettyadvancedcase
ofheadlice.Shekepttryingtobefriendme.Oneafternoononthewayhomefromschool,whenItold
herwe'dlivedforawhileinCalifornia,shelitup.Shesaidhermamahadalwayswantedtogothere.
SheaskedifmaybeI'dcomeovertoherplaceandtellhermamaallaboutlifeinCalifornia.
OfcourseIwent.I'dnevergotteninsidetheGreenLantern,butnowI'dgetanupcloselookata
genuineprostitute.TherewerelotsofthingsIwantedtoknow:Waswhoringeasymoney?Wasitever
anyfun,orwasitjustgross?DidKathyandhersistersandherfatherallknowGinnieSuePastorwasa
whore?Whatdidtheythinkofit?Ididn'tplanonflatoutaskingthesequestions,butIdidthinkthatby
gettinginsidethePastors'houseandmeetingGinnieSue,I'dcomeawaywithsomeideaoftheanswers.
ClarencePastor,sittingontheporch,ignoredKathyandmeaswewalkedby.Inside,therewereall
thesetinyroomsconnectedtogetherlikeboxcars.Becauseofthewaythehousewassettlingonthe
erodinghillside,thefloorsandceilingsandwindowstiltedatdifferentangles.Therewerenopaintings

onthewalls,butthePastorshadtapeduppicturesofsmartlydressedwomentornfromSearsRoebuck
catalogs.
Kathy'slittlesistersscamperedaroundnoisily,halfdressed.Noneofthemlookedalike;onewas
redheaded,oneablonde,onehadblackhair,andtherewerealldifferentshadesofbrown.SweetMan,
theyoungest,crawledalongthelivingroomfloor,suckingonafatdillpickle.GinnieSuePastorsatat
thetableinthekitchen.Atherelbowwasthecarcassofabigexpensiveroaster,thekindwecould
hardlyeverafford.Shehadatired,linedface,buthersmilewascheerfulandopen."Pleasedtomeet
you,"shesaidtome,wipingherhandsonhershirttail."Weain'tusedtogettingvisitors."
GinnieSueofferedusseatsatthetable.Shehadheavybreaststhatswayedwhenshemoved,andher
blondhairwasdarkattheroots."Youallhelpmewiththisbird,andI'llfixyouacoupleofGinnie
Sue'sspecialchickenrolls."Sheturnedtome."Youknowhowtopickachickenclean?"
"Isuredo,"Isaid.Ihadn'thadanythingtoeatallday.
"Well,showme,then,"GinnieSuesaid.
Iwentforawingfirst,pullingapartthespindlydoublebonesandgettingallthemeattrappedthere.
ThenIsettoworkonthelegandthighbones,snappingthematthejointsandpeelingoffthetendons
anddiggingoutthemarrow.KathyandGinnieSuewerealsoworkingonthebird,butsoonthey
stoppedtowatchme.Fromthetail,Ipulledthatnicepieceofmeatthateverybodymisses.Iturnedthe
carcassupsidedownandscrapedoffthejelliedfatandmeatfleckswithmyfingernails.Istuckmyarm
elbowdeepintothebirdtoexcavateanymeatclingingtotheribcage.
"Girl,"GinnieSuesaid."inallmydays,Ihaveneverseennoonepickachickencleanlikeyou."
Iheldupthespearshapedcartilageinthebreastbone,whichmostpeopledon'teat,andbitdownwith
asatisfyingcrunch.
GinnieSuescrapedthemeatintoabowl,mixeditwithmayonnaiseandCheezWhiz,thencrusheda
handfulofpotatochipsandaddedthem.ShespreadthemixtureontotwoslicesofWonderbread,then
rolledeachsliceintoacylinderandpassedthemtous."Birdsinablanket,"shesaid.Theytastedgreat.
"Mama,JeannettelivedinCalifornia,"Kathysaid.
"Thatso?"GinnieSuesaid."LiveinCaliforniaandbeastewardess,thatwasmydream."Shesighed.
"NevergotbeyondBluefield."
ItoldherandKathyaboutlifeinCalifornia.Itquicklybecamecleartheyhadnointerestindesert
miningtowns,soItoldthemaboutSanFranciscoandthenaboutLasVegas,whichwasn'texactlyin
California,buttheydidn'tseemtocare.Imadethedayswehadspentthereseemlikeyears,andthe
showgirlsI'dseenfromadistanceseemlikeclosefriendsandneighbors.Idescribedtheglittering
casinosandtheglamoroushighrollers,thepalmtreesandtheswimmingpools,thehotelswithicecold
airconditioningandtherestaurantswherehostesseswithlongwhitegloveslitflamingdesserts.

"Itdon'tgetnobetterthanthat!"GinnieSuesaid.
"No,ma'am,itsuredon't,"Itoldher.
SweetMancameincrying,andGinnieSuepickedhimupandlethimsucksomemayonnaiseoffher
finger."Youdidgoodonthatbird,"GinnieSuetoldme."Youstrikemeasthekindofgirlwho'sone
daygoingtobeeatingroastchickenandthoseonfiredessertsjustasmuchasyouwant."Shewinked.
ItwasonlyonthewayhomethatIrealizedIhadn'tgottenanswerstoanyofmyquestions.WhileIwas
sittingtheretalkingtoGinnieSue,I'devenforgottenshewasawhore.Onethingaboutwhoring:Itput
achickenonthetable.
WEFOUGHTALOTinWelch.Notjusttofendoffourenemiesbuttofitin.Maybeitwasbecause
therewassolittletodoinWelch;maybeitwasbecauselifetherewashardanditmadepeoplehard;
maybeitwasbecauseofallthebloodybattlesoverunionizingthemines;maybeitwasbecausemining
wasdangerousandcrampedanddirtyworkanditputalltheminersinbadmoodsandtheycamehome
andtookitoutontheirwives,whotookitoutontheirkids,whotookitoutonotherkids.Whateverthe
reason,itseemedthatjustabouteveryoneinWelchmen,women,boys,girlslikedtofight.
Therewerestreetbrawls,barstabbings,parkinglotbeatings,wifeslappings,andtoddlerwhalings.
Sometimesitwassimplyamatterofsomeonethrowingastraypunch,anditwouldallbeoverbefore
youknewithadstarted.Othertimesitwouldbemorelikeatwelveroundprizefight,withspectators
cheeringonthebloody,sweatingopponents.Thentherewerethegrudgesandfeudsthatwentonfor
years,acoupleofbrothersbeatingupsomeguybecausebackinthefiftieshisfatherhadbeatenup
theirfather,awomanshootingherbestfriendforsleepingwithherhusbandandthebestfriend's
brotherthenstabbingthehusband.You'dwalkdownMcDowellStreet,andhalfthepeopleyoupassed
seemedtobenursinganinjurysustainedinlocalcombat.Therewereshiners,splitlips,swollen
cheekbones,bruisedarms,scrapedknuckles,andbittenearlobes.Wehadlivedinsomeprettyscrappy
placesbackinthedesert,butMomsaidWelchwasthefightingesttownshe'deverseen.
BrianandLoriandMaureenandIgotintomorefightsthanmostkids.DinitiaHewittandherfriends
wereonlythefirstinawholelineoflittlegangswhodidbattlewithoneormoreofus.Otherkids
wantedtofightusbecausewehadredhair,becauseDadwasadrunk,becauseweworeragsanddidn't
takeasmanybathsasweshouldhave,becausewelivedinafallingdownhousethatwaspartlypainted
yellowandhadapitfilledwithgarbage,becausethey'dgobyourdarkhouseatnightandseethatwe
couldn'tevenaffordelectricity.
Butwealwaysfoughtback,usuallyasateam.Ourmostspectacularfight,andourmostaudacious
tacticalvictorytheBattleofLittleHobartStreettookplaceagainstErnieGoadandhisfriends
whenIwastenandBrianwasnine.ErnieGoadwasapugnosed,thickneckedkidwhohadlittleeyes
setpracticallyonthesidesofhishead,likeawhale.Heactedasifitwashisswornmissiontodrivethe
Wallsfamilyoutoftown.ItstartedonedaywhenIwasplayingwithsomeotherkidsonthetank
parkednexttothearmory.ErnieGoadappearedandbeganthrowingrocksatmeandyellingthatthe
WallsesshouldallleaveWelchbecausewewerestinkingitupsobad.

Ithrewacoupleofrocksbackandtoldhimtoleavemealone.
"Makeme,"Erniesaid.
"Idon'tmakegarbage,"Ishouted."Iburnit."Thiswasusuallyafoolproofcomeback,makingupin
scornwhatitlackedinoriginality,butonthisoccasionitbackfired.
"Y'allWallsesdon'tburngarbage!"Ernieyelledback."Y'allthrowitinaholenexttoyourhouse!You
liveinit!"
Itriedtothinkofacomebacktohiscomeback,butmymindseizedupbecausewhatErniehadsaidwas
true:Wedidliveingarbage.
Erniestuckhisfaceinmine."Garbage!Youliveingarbage'causeyouaregarbage!"
Ishovedhimgoodandhard,thenturnedtotheotherkids,hopingforbackup,buttheywereeasing
awayandlookingdown,asiftheywereashamedtohavebeencaughtplayingwithagirlwhohada
garbagepitnexttoherhouse.
***
ThatSaturday,BrianandIwerereadingonthesofabedwhenoneofthewindowpanesshatteredanda
rocklandedonthefloor.Werantothedoor.Ernieandthreeofhisfriendswerepedalingtheirbikesup
anddownLittleHobartStreet,whoopingmadly."Garbage!Garbage!Y'allareabunchofgarbage!"
Brianwentoutontheporch.OneofthekidshurledanotherrockthathitBrianinthehead.He
staggeredback,thenrandownthesteps,butErnieandhisfriendspedaledaway,shrieking.Briancame
backupthestairs,bloodtricklingdownhischeekandontohisTshirtandapumpknotalready
swellingupabovehiseyebrow.Ernie'sgangreturnedafewminuteslater,throwingstonesandshouting
thattheyhadactuallyseenthepigstywheretheWallskidslivedandthattheyweregoingtotellthe
wholeschoolitwasevenworsethaneveryonesaid.
ThistimebothBrianandIchasedafterthem.Eventhoughtheyoutnumberedus,theywereenjoying
thegameoftauntingustoomuchtomakeastand.Theyrodedowntothefirstswitchbackandgot
away.
"They'llbeback,"Briansaid.
"Whatarewegoingtodo?"Iasked.
Briansatthinking,thentoldmehehadaplan.Hefoundsomeropeunderthehouseandledmeuptoa
clearinginthehillsideaboveLittleHobartStreet.Afewweeksearlier,BrianandIhaddraggedanold
mattressuptherebecausewewerethinkingofcampingout.Brianexplainedhowwecouldmakea
catapult,likethemedievaloneswe'dreadabout,bypilingrocksonthemattressandriggingitwith
ropesloopedovertreebranches.Wequicklyassembledthecontraptionandtesteditonce,jerkingback
ontheropesatthecountofthree.Itworkedaminoravalancheofrocksrainedontothestreetbelow.It
was,wewereconvinced,enoughtokillErnieGoadandhisgang,whichwaswhatwefullyintendedto
do:killthemandcommandeertheirbikes,leavingtheirbodiesinthestreetasawarningtoothers.

Wepiledtherocksbackonthemattress,reriggedthecatapult,andwaited.Afteracoupleofminutes,
Ernieandhisgangreappearedattheswitchback.Eachofthemrodeonehandedandcarriedanegg
sizedrockinhisthrowinghand.Theywereproceedingsinglefile,likeaPawneewarparty,afewfeet
apart.Wecouldn'tgetthemallatonce,soweaimedforErnie,whowasattheheadofthepack.
Whenhecamewithinrange,Briangavetheword,andwejerkedbackontheropes.Themattressshot
forward,andourarsenalofrocksflewthroughtheair.IheardthemthudagainstErnie'sbodyand
clatterontheroad.Hescreamedandcursedashisbikeskidded.ThekidbehindErnieranintohim,and
theybothfell.Theothertwoturnedaroundandspedoff.BrianandIstartedhurlingwhateverrocks
wereathand.Sincetheyweredownhill,wehadagoodlineoffireandscoredseveraldirecthits,the
rocksdingingofftheirbikes,nickingthepaintanddentingthefenders.
ThenBrianyelled,"Charge!"andwecamebarrelingdownthehill.Ernieandhisfriendjumpedback
ontheirbikesandfuriouslypedaledoffbeforewecouldreachthem.Astheydisappearedaroundthe
bend,BrianandIdidavictorydanceintherockstrewnstreet,givingourownwarwhoops.
ASTHEWEATHERwarmed,asortofroughbeautyovertookthesteephillsidesaroundLittleHobart
Street.Jackinthepulpitsandbleedingheartssproutedwild.WhiteQueenAnne'slaceandpurple
phloxandbigorangedayliliesblossomedalongtheroad.Duringthewinteryoucouldseeabandoned
carsandrefrigeratorsandtheshellsofdesertedhousesinthewoods,butinthespringthevinesand
weedsandmossgrewoverthem,andinnotimetheydisappearedaltogether.
Onebenefitofsummerwasthateachdaywehadmorelighttoreadby.Momreallypileduponbooks.
ShecamehomefromtheWelchpubliclibraryeveryweekortwowithapillowcasefullofnovels,
biographies,andhistories.Shesnuggledintobedwiththem,lookingupfromtimetotime,sayingshe
wassorry,sheknewsheshouldbedoingsomethingmoreproductive,butlikeDad,shehadher
addictions,andoneofthemwasreading.
Weallread,butIneverhadthefeelingoftogethernessI'dhadinBattleMountainwhenweallsat
aroundinthedepotwithourbooks.InWelch,peopledriftedofftodifferentcornersofthehouse.Once
nightcame,wekidsalllayinourropeandcardboardbeds,readingbyflashlightoracandlewe'dseton
ourwoodenboxes,eachofuscreatingourownlittlepoolofdimlight.
Loriwasthemostobsessivereader.Fantasyandsciencefictiondazzledher,especiallyTheLordofthe
Rings.Whenshewasn'treading,shewasdrawingorcsorhobbits.Shetriedtogeteveryoneinthe
familytoreadthebooks."Theytransportyoutoadifferentworld,"she'dsay.
Ididn'twanttobetransportedtoanotherworld.Myfavoritebooksallinvolvedpeopledealingwith
hardships.IlovedTheGrapesofWrath,LordoftheFlies,andespeciallyATreeGrowsinBrooklyn.I
thoughtFrancieNolanandIwerepracticallyidentical,exceptthatshehadlivedfiftyyearsearlierin
Brooklynandhermotheralwayskeptthehouseclean.FrancieNolan'sfathersureremindedmeofDad.
IfFranciesawthegoodinherfather,eventhoughmostpeopleconsideredhimashiftlessdrunk,maybe
Iwasn'tacompletefoolforbelievinginmine.Ortryingtobelieveinhim.Itwasgettingharder.
***

Onenightthatsummer,whenIwaslyinginbedandeveryoneelsewasasleep,Iheardthefrontdoor
openandthesoundofsomeonemutteringandstumblingaroundinthedarkness.Dadhadcomehome.
Iwentintothelivingroom,wherehewassittingatthedraftingtable.Icouldseebythemoonlight
comingthroughthewindowthathisfaceandhairweremattedwithblood.Iaskedhimwhathad
happened.
"Igotinafightwithamountain,"hesaid."andthemountainwon."
IlookedatMomasleeponthesofabed,herheadburiedunderapillow.Shewasadeepsleeperand
hadn'tstirred.WhenIlitthekerosenelamp,IsawthatDadalsohadabiggashinhisrightforearmand
acutonhisheadsodeepthatIcouldseethewhiteofhisskull.Igotatoothpickandtweezersand
pickedtherockygritoutofthegash.Daddidn'twincewhenIpouredrubbingalcoholonthewound.
Becauseofallhishair,Ihadnowaytoputonabandage,andItoldDadIshouldshavetheareaaround
thecut."Hell,honey,thatwouldruinmyimage,"hesaid."Afellowinmyposition'sgottolook
presentable."
Dadstudiedthegashonhisforearm.Hetightenedatourniquetaroundhisupperarmandtoldmeto
fetchMom'ssewingbox.Hefumbledaroundinitforsilkthreadbut,unabletofindany,decidedthat
cottonwouldbefine.Hethreadedaneedlewithblackthread,handedittome,andpointedatthegash.
"Sewitup,"hesaid.
"Dad!Ican'tdothat."
"Oh,goahead,honey,"hesaid."I'ddoitmyself,exceptIcan'tdodiddlywithmylefthand."Hesmiled.
"Don'tworryaboutme.I'msothoroughlypickled,Iwon'tfeelathing."Dadlitacigaretteandplaced
hisarmonthetable."Goahead,"hesaid.
IpressedtheneedleupagainstDad'sskinandshuddered.
"Goahead,"hesaidagain.
Ipushedtheneedleandfeltaslighttugwhenitpiercedtheskin.Iwantedtoclosemyeyes,butI
neededtosee.IpushedalittleharderandfelttheresistanceofDad'sflesh.Itwaslikesewingmeat.It
wassewingmeat.
"Ican't,Dad,I'msorry,Ijustcan'tdoit,"Isaid.
"We'lldoittogether,"Dadsaid.
Usinghislefthand,heguidedmyfingersastheypushedtheneedleallthewayinthroughhisskinand
outtheotherside.Afewdropletsofbloodappeared.Ipulledtheneedleoutandthengavethethreada
gentlejerktotightenit.Itiedthetwoendsofthethreadtogether,likeDadtoldmeto,andthen,toput
inasecondstitch,diditagain.Thegashwasprettybigandcouldhaveusedafewmorestitches,butI
couldn'tbringmyselftostickthatneedleinDad'sarmonemoretime.
Webothlookedatthetwodark,slightlysloppystitches.

"That'ssomefinehandiwork,"Dadsaid."I'mmightyproudofyou,MountainGoat."
WhenIleftthehousethenextmorning,Dadwasstillasleep.WhenIcamehomeintheevening,hewas
gone.
DADHADTAKENTOdisappearingfordaysatatime.WhenIaskedhimwherehe'dbeen,his
explanationswereeithersovagueorsoimprobablethatIstoppedasking.Wheneverhedidcomehome,
heusuallybroughtabagofgroceriesineacharm.We'dgobbledeviledhamsandwicheswiththick
slicesofonionwhilehetoldusabouttheprogressofhisinvestigationintotheUMWandhislatest
moneymakingschemes.Peoplewerealwaysofferinghimjobs,he'dexplain,buthewasn'tinterestedin
workforhire,insalutingandsuckingupandbrownnosingandtakingorders."You'llnevermakea
fortuneworkingforthebossman,"hesaid.Hewasfocusedonstrikingitrich.Theremightnotbegold
inWestVirginia,buttherewereplentyofotherwaystomakeyourpile.Forinstance,hewasworking
onatechnologytoburncoalmoreefficiently,sothateventhelowestgradecoalcouldbeminedand
sold.Therewasabigmarketforthat,hesaid,anditwasgoingtomakeusrichbeyondourdreams.
IlistenedtoDad'splansandtriedtoencouragehim,hopingthatwhathewassayingwastruebutalso
prettycertainitwasn't.Moneywouldcomeinandwithit,foodontherareoccasionthatDadlanded
anoddjoborMomreceivedacheckfromtheoilcompanyleasingthedrillingrightsonherlandin
Texas.Momwasalwaysvagueabouthowbigthelandwasandwhereexactlyitwas,andsherefusedto
considersellingit.Allweknewwasthateverycoupleofmonths,thischeckwouldshowupandwe'd
haveplentyoffoodfordaysatatime.
Whentheelectricitywason,weatealotofbeans.Abigbagofpintobeanscostunderadollarand
wouldfeedusfordays.Theytastedespeciallygoodifyouaddedaspoonfulofmayonnaise.Wealsoate
alotofricemixedwithjackmackerel,whichMomsaidwasexcellentbrainfood.Jackmackerelwas
notasgoodastunabutwasbetterthancatfood,whichweatefromtimetotimewhenthingsgotreally
tight.SometimesMompoppedupabigbatchofpopcornfordinner.Ithadlotsoffiber,shepointed
out,andshehadussaltitheavilybecausetheiodinewouldkeepusfromgettinggoiters."Idon'twant
mykidslookinglikepelicans,"shesaid.
Once,whenanextrabigroyaltycheckcamein,Momboughtusawholecannedham.Weateoffitfor
days,cuttingthickslicesforsandwiches.Sincewehadnorefrigerator,weleftthehamonakitchen
shelf.Afterithadbeenthereforaboutaweek,Iwenttosawmyselfaslabatdinnertimeandfoundit
crawlingwithlittlewhiteworms.
Momwassittingonthesofabed,eatingthepieceshe'dcut."Mom,thatham'sfullofmaggots,"Isaid.
"Don'tbesopicky,"shetoldme."Justsliceoffthemaggotyparts.Theinside'sfine."
***
BrianandIbecameexpertforagers.Wepickedcrabapplesandwildblackberriesandpawpawsduring
thesummerandfall,andweswipedearsofcornfromOldManWilson'sfarm.Thecornwastough
OldManWilsongrewitasfeedforhiscattlebutifyoucheweditenough,youcouldgetitdown.
Oncewecaughtawoundedblackbirdbythrowingablanketoveritandfiguredwecouldmakea

blackbirdpie,likeinthenurseryrhyme.Butwecouldn'tbringourselvestokillthebird,andanyway,it
lookedtooscrawnytoeat.
We'dheardofadishcalledpokesalad,andsinceabigpatchofpokeweedgrewbehindourhouse,
BrianandIthoughtwe'dgiveitatry.Ifitwasanygood,we'dhaveawholenewsupplyoffood.We
firsttriedeatingthepokeweedraw,butitwasawfullybitter,soweboileditsinging."PokeSalad
Annie"inanticipationbutitstilltastedsourandstringy,andourtonguesitchedfordaysafterward.
Oneday,huntingforfood,weclimbedthroughthewindowofanabandonedhouse.Theroomswere
tiny,andithaddirtfloors,butinthekitchenwefoundshelveslinedwithrowsofcannedfood.
"Bonanza!"Briancriedout.
"Feasttime!"Isaid.
Thecanswerecoatedwithdustandstartingtorust,butwefiguredthefoodwasstillsafetoeat,since
thewholepointofcanningwastopreserve.IpassedacanoftomatoestoBrian,whotookouthis
pocketknife.Whenhepuncturedthetin,thecontentsexplodedinhisface,coveringuswithafizzy
brownjuice.Wetriedafewmore,buttheyexploded,too,andwewalkedhomewithouthavingeaten
anything,ourshirtsandfacesstainedwithrottentomatoes.
***
WhenIstartedsixthgrade,theotherkidsmadefunofBrianandmebecauseweweresoskinny.They
calledmespiderlegs,skeletongirl,pipecleaner,twobyfour,bonybutt,stickwoman,beanpole,and
giraffe,andtheysaidIcouldstaydryintherainbystandingunderatelephonewire.
Atlunchtime,whenotherkidsunwrappedtheirsandwichesorboughttheirhotmeals,BrianandI
wouldgetoutbooksandread.Briantoldeveryonehehadtokeephisweightdownbecausehewanted
tojointhewrestlingteamwhenhegottohighschool.ItoldpeoplethatIhadforgottentobringmy
lunch.Noonebelievedme,soIstartedhidinginthebathroomduringlunchhour.I'dstayinoneofthe
stallswiththedoorlockedandmyfeetproppedupsothatnoonewouldrecognizemyshoes.
Whenothergirlscameinandthrewawaytheirlunchbagsinthegarbagepails,I'dgoretrievethem.I
couldn'tgetoverthewaykidstossedoutallthisperfectlygoodfood:apples,hardboiledeggs,packages
ofpeanutbuttercrackers,slicedpickles,halfpintcartonsofmilk,cheesesandwicheswithjustonebite
takenoutbecausethekiddidn'tlikethepimentosinthecheese.I'dreturntothestallandpolishoffmy
tastyfinds.
Therewas,attimes,morefoodinthewastebasketthanIcouldeat.ThefirsttimeIfoundextrafooda
bolognaandcheesesandwichIstuffeditintomypursetotakehomeforBrian.Backinthe
classroom,IstartedworryingabouthowI'dexplaintoBrianwhereitcamefrom.Iwasprettysurehe
wasrootingthroughthetrash,too,butwenevertalkedaboutit.
AsIsattheretryingtocomeupwithwaystojustifyittoBrian,Ibegansmellingthebologna.Itseemed
tofillthewholeroom.Ibecameterrifiedthattheotherkidscouldsmellit,too,andthatthey'dturnand
seemyoverstuffedpurse,andsincetheyallknewIneveratelunch,they'dfigureoutthatIhadpinched
itfromthetrash.Assoonasclasswasover,Irantothebathroomandshovedthesandwichbackinthe

garbagecan.
Maureenalwayshadplentytoeat,sinceshehadmadefriendsthroughouttheneighborhoodandwould
showupattheirhousesarounddinnertime.IhadnoideawhatMomandLoriweredoingtofendfor
themselves.Mom,weirdly,wasgettingheavier.OneeveningwhenDadwasawayandwehadnothing
toeatandwewereallsittingaroundthelivingroomtryingnottothinkoffood,Momkeptdisappearing
undertheblanketonthesofabed.AtonepointBrianlookedover.
"Areyouchewingsomething?"heasked.
"Myteethhurt,"Momsaid,butshewasgettingallshiftyeyed,glancingaroundtheroomandavoiding
ourstares."It'smybadgums.I'mworkingmyjawtoincreasethecirculation."
Brianyankedthecoversback.LyingonthemattressnexttoMomwasoneofthosehugefamilysized
Hersheychocolatebars,theshinysilverwrapperpulledbackandtornaway.She'dalreadyeatenhalfof
it.
Momstartedcrying."Ican'thelpit,"shesobbed."I'masugaraddict,justlikeyourfatherisan
alcoholic."
ShetoldusweshouldforgiveherthesamewaywealwaysforgaveDadforhisdrinking.Noneofus
saidathing.Briansnatchedupthechocolatebaranddivideditintofourpieces.WhileMomwatched,
wewolfedthemdown.
WINTERCAMEHARDthatyear.JustafterThanksgiving,thefirstbigsnowstartedwithfatwet
flakesthesizeofbutterflies.Theyfloateddownlazilybutwerefollowedbysmaller,drierflakesthat
keptcomingfordays.AtfirstIlovedwinterinWelch.Theblanketofsnowhidthesootandmadethe
entiretownseemcleanandcozy.OurhouselookedalmostlikealltheothersalongLittleHobartStreet.
Itwassocoldthattheyoungest,mostfragilebranchessnappedinthefrigidair,andveryquickly,I
startedfeelingit.Istillhadonlymythinwoolcoatwiththebuttonsmissing.Ifeltalmostascoldinthe
house;whilewehadthecoalstove,wehadnocoal.Therewerefortytwocoalretailerslistedinthe
Welchphonebook.Atonofcoal,whichwouldlastmostofthewinter,costaboutfiftydollars
includingdeliveryorevenaslittleasthirtydollarsforthelowergradestuff.Momsaidshewassorry,
buttherewasnoroominourbudgetforcoal.We'dhavetodeviseotherwaystostaywarm.
Piecesofcoalwerealwaysfallingoffthetruckswhentheymadetheirdeliveries,andBriansuggested
thatheandIgetabucketandcollectsome.WewerewalkingalongLittleHobartStreet,pickingup
piecesofcoal,whenourneighborstheNoesdrovebyintheirstationwagon.TheNoegirls,Karenand
Carol,weresittinginthebackwardfacingjumpseat,lookingouttherearwindow."We'reworkingon
ourrockcollection!"Ishouted.
Thepieceswefoundweresosmallthatafteranhourwe'dfilledonlyhalfthebucket.Weneededat
leastabuckettokeepafiregoingforoneevening.Sowhilewemadeoccasionalcoalcollecting
expeditions,weusedmostlywood.Wecouldn'taffordwoodanymorethanwecouldaffordcoal,and

Dadwasn'taroundtochopandsplitany,whichmeantitwasuptouskidstogatherdeadbranchesand
logsfromtheforest.
Findinggood,drywoodwasachallenge.Wetrekkedalongthemountainside,lookingforpiecesthat
weren'twaterloggedorrotten,shakingthesnowoffbranches.Butwewentthroughthewoodawfully
quickly,andwhileacoalfireburnshot,awoodfiredoesn'tthrowoffmuchheat.Weallhuddledaround
thepotbelliedstove,wrappedinblankets,holdingoutourhandstowardtheweak,smokyheat.Mom
saidweshouldbethankfulbecausewehaditbetterthanpioneers,whodidn'thavemodern
convenienceslikewindowglassandcastironstoves.
Onedaywegotaroaringfiregoing,buteventhenwecouldstillseeourbreath,andtherewasiceon
bothsidesofthewindows.BrianandIdecidedweneededtomakethefireevenbiggerandwentoutto
collectmorewood.Onthewayback,Brianstoppedandlookedatourhouse."There'snosnowonour
roof,"hesaid.Hewasright.Ithadcompletelymelted."Everyotherhousehassnowonitsroof,"he
said.Hewasrightaboutthat,too.
"Thishousedoesn'thavealickofinsulation,"BriantoldMomwhenwegotbackinside."Alltheheat's
goingrightthroughtheroof."
"Wemaynothaveinsulation,"Momsaidasweallgatheredaroundthestove."butwehaveeachother."
Itgotsocoldinthehousethaticicleshungfromthekitchenceiling,thewaterinthesinkturnedintoa
solidblockofice,andthedirtydisheswerestuckthereasifthey'dbeencementedinplace.Eventhe
panofwaterthatwekeptinthelivingroomtowashupinusuallyhadalayeroficeonit.Wewalked
aroundthehousewearingourcoatsandwrappedinblankets.Weworeourcoatstobed,too.Therewas
nostoveinthebedroom,andnomatterhowmanyblanketsIpiledontopofmyself,Istillfeltcold.Ilay
awakeatnight,rubbingmyfeetwithmyhands,tryingtowarmthem.
WefoughtoverwhogottosleepwiththedogsTinkle,theJackRussellterrier,andPippin,acurly
hairedmuttwhohadwandereddownthroughthewoodsonedaybecausetheykeptuswarm.They
usuallyendedupinaheapwithMom,becauseshehadthebiggerbody,andtheywerecold,too.Brian
hadboughtaniguanaatG.C.Murphy,thefiveanddimeonMcDowellStreet,becauseitremindedhim
ofthedesert.HenamedthelizardIggyandsleptwithitagainsthischesttokeepitwarm,butitfrozeto
deathonenight.
Wehadtoleavethefaucetunderthehousedrippingorthewaterfrozeinthepipe.Whenitgotreally
cold,thewaterfrozeanyway,andwe'dwakeuptofindabigiciclehangingfromthefaucet.Wetriedto
thawthepipebyrunningaburningpieceofwoodalongit,butitwouldbefrozensosolidtherewas
nothingtodobutwaitforthenextwarmspell.Whenthepipefrozelikethat,wegotourwaterby
meltingsnoworiciclesinthetinpanonthepotbelliedstove.
Acoupleoftimeswhentherewasn'tenoughsnowontheground,Momsentmenextdoortoborrowa
pailofwaterfromMr.Freeman,aretiredminer,wholivedinthehousewithhisgrownsonand
daughter,PeanutandPrissy.Heneverturnedmedownoutright,buthewouldlookatmeforaminutein
silence,thenshakehisheadanddisappearintothehouse.Whenhepassedoutthebucket,hewould
givemeanotherdisgustedheadshake,evenafterIassuredhimthathecouldhaveasmuchwaterfrom

usashewantedcomespring.
"Ihatewinter,"ItoldMom.
"Allseasonshavesomethingtooffer,"shesaid."Coldweatherisgoodforyou.Itkillsthegerms."
Thatseemedtobetrue,becausenoneofuskidsevergotsick.ButevenifI'dwokenuponemorning
witharagingfever,IneverwouldhaveadmittedittoMom.Beingsickmighthavemeantstayinghome
inourfreezinghouseinsteadofspendingthedayinatoastyclassroom.
***
Anothergoodthingaboutthecoldweatherwasthatitkeptodorstoaminimum.ByNewYear'swehad
washedourclothesonlyoncesincethatfirstNovembersnowfall.Inthesummer,Momhadboughta
wringerwashingmachineliketheonewe'dhadinPhoenix,andwekeptitinthekitchen.Whenwehad
electricity,wewashedtheclothesandhungthemonthefrontporchtodry.Evenwhentheweatherwas
warm,they'dhavetostayouttherefordays,becauseitwasalwayssodampinthathollowonthenorth
sideofthemountain.Butthenitgotcold,andtheonetimewedidourlaundry,itfrozeontheporch.
Webroughttheclothesinsidethesockshadhardenedintotheshapeofquestionmarks,andthepants
weresostiffyoucouldleanthemagainstthewallandwebangedthemagainstthestove,tryingto
softenthemup."Atleastwedon'tneedtobuystarch,"Lorisaid.
Evenwiththecold,byJanuarywewereallsorankthatMomdecideditwastimetosplurge:Wewould
gototheLaundromat.Weloadedourdirtyclothesintopillowcasesandluggedthemdownthehilland
upStewartStreet.
Momputtheloadedbagonherhead,thewaywomeninAfricado,andtriedtogetustodothesame.
Shesaiditwasbetterforourpostureandeasieronourspines,buttherewasnowaywekidsweregoing
tobecaughtdeadwalkingthroughWelchwithlaundrybagsonourheads.WefollowedMomwithour
bagsoverourshoulders,rollingoureyeswhenwepassedpeopletoshowweagreedwiththem:The
ladywiththebagonherheadlookedprettypeculiar.
TheLaundromat,withitswindowscompletelysteamedup,wasaswarmanddampasaTurkishbath.
Momletusputthecoinsinthewashers,thenweclimbedupandsatonthem.Theheatfromthe
rumblingmachineswarmedourbehindsandspreadupthroughourbodies.Whenthewashwasdone,
weheavedthearmfulsofwetclothesintothedryersandwatchedthemtumblingaroundasiftheywere
onsomefuncarnivalride.Oncethecyclewasover,wepulledoutthescorchinghotclothesandburied
ourfacesinthem.Wespreadthemonthetablesandfoldedthemcarefully,liningupthesleevesofthe
shirtsandtheseamsonthepantsandballingthepairedupsocks.Weneverfoldedourclothesathome,
butthatLaundromatwassowarmandcozy,wewerelookingforanyexcusetoextendourstay.
***
AwarmspellinJanuaryseemedlikegoodnews,butthenthesnowstartedmelting,andthewoodinthe
forestbecametotallysoaked.Wecouldn'tgetafiretodoanythingbutsputtersmoke.Ifthewoodwas
wet,we'ddouseitwiththekerosenethatweusedinthelamps.Dadwasdisdainfulofafirestarterlike
kerosene.Notruefrontiersmanwouldeverstooptouseit.Itwasn'tcheap,andsinceitdidn'tburnhot,it
tookalottomakethewoodcatchfire.Also,itwasdangerous.Dadsaidthatifyougotsloppywith
kerosene,itcouldexplode.Butstill,ifthewoodwaswetanddidn'twanttocatchandwewereall

freezing,wewouldpouralittlekeroseneonit.
OnedayBrianandIclimbedthehillsidetotrytofindsomedrywoodwhileLoristayedinthehouse,
stokingthefire.AsBrianandIwereshakingthesnowoffsomepromisingbranches,weheardaloud
boomfromthehouse.Iturnedandsawflamesleapupinsidethewindows.
Wedroppedourwoodandranbackdownthehill.Loriwaslurchingaroundthelivingroom,her
eyebrowsandbangsallsingedoffandthesmellofburnedhairintheair.Shehadusedkerosenetotry
togetthefiregoingbetter,andithadexploded,justlikeDadhadsaiditwould.Nothinginthehouse
exceptLori'shairhadcaughtonfire,buttheexplosionhadblownbackhercoatandskirt,andthe
flameshadscorchedherthighs.Brianwentoutandgotsomesnow,andwepackeditonLori'slegs,
whichweredarkpink.Thenextdayshehadblistersthelengthofherthighs.
"Justremember,"Momsaidafterexaminingtheblisters."whatdoesn'tkillyouwillmakeyoustronger."
"Ifthatwastrue,I'dbeHerculesbynow,"Lorisaid.
Dayslater,whentheblistersburst,theclearliquidinsiderandowntoherfeet.Forweeks,thefrontsof
herlegswereopensores,sosensitivethatshehadtroublesleepingunderblankets.Butbythenthe
temperaturehadfallenagain,andifshekickedofftheblankets,shefroze.
***
Onedaythatwinter,Iwenttoaclassmate'shousetoworkonaschoolproject.CarrieMae
Blankenship'sfatherwasanadministratorattheMcDowellCountyhospital,andherfamilylivedina
solidbrickhouseonMcDowellStreet.Thelivingroomwasdecoratedinshadesoforangeandbrown,
andtheplaidpatternofthecurtainsmatchedthecouchupholstery.Onthewallwasaframedphotoof
CarrieMae'soldersisterinherhighschoolgraduationgown.Itwaslitwithitsowntinylamp,justlike
inamuseum.
Therewasalsoasmallplasticboxonthewallnearthelivingroomdoor.Arowoftinynumbersran
alongthetop,underalever.CarrieMae'sfathersawmestudyingtheboxwhileshewasoutofthe
room."It'sathermostat,"hetoldme."Youmovethelevertomakethehousewarmerorcooler."
Ithoughthewaspullingmyleg,buthemovedthelever,andIheardamuffledroarkickoninthe
basement.
"That'sthefurnace,"hesaid.
Heledmeovertoaventinthefloorandhadmeholdmyhandaboveitandfeelthewarmairwafting
upward.Ididn'twanttosayanythingtoshowhowimpressedIwas,butformanynightsafterward,I
dreamedthatwehadathermostatat93LittleHobartStreet.Idreamedthatallwehadtodotofillour
housewiththatwarm,cleanfurnaceheatwastomovealever.
ERMADIEDDURINGthelasthardsnowfallattheendofoursecondwinterinWelch.Dadsaidher
liversimplygaveout.MomtookthepositionthatErmadrankherselftodeath."Itwassuicideeverybit
asmuchasifshehadstuckherheadintheoven,"Momsaid."onlyslower."

Whateverthecause,Ermahadmadedetailedpreparationsfortheoccasionofherdeath.Foryearsshe
hadreadTheWelchDailyNewsonlyfortheobituariesandblackborderedmemorialnotices,clipping
andsavingherfavorites.Theyprovidedinspirationforherowndeathannouncement,whichshe'd
workedandreworked.Shehadalsowrittenpagesofinstructionsonhowshewantedherfuneral
conducted.Shehadpickedoutallthehymnsandprayers,chosenherfavoritefuneralhome,ordereda
lavenderlacenightgownfromJCPenneythatshewantedtobeburiedin,andselectedatwotoned
lavendercasketwithshinychromehandlesfromthemortician'scatalog.
Erma'sdeathbroughtoutMom'spiousside.Whilewewerewaitingforthepreacher,shetookouther
rosaryandprayedforErma'ssoul,whichshefearedwasinjeopardysince,asshesawit,Ermahad
committedsuicide.ShealsotriedtomakeuskissErma'scorpse.Weflatoutrefused,butMomwentup
infrontofthemourners,genuflectedwithagrandsweep,andthenkissedErma'scheeksovigorously
thatyoucouldhearthepuckeringsoundthroughoutthechapel.
IwassittingnexttoDad.ItwasthefirsttimeinmylifeI'deverseenhimwearinganecktie,whichhe
alwayscalledanoose.Hisfacewastightandclosed,butIcouldtellhewasdistraught.Moredistraught
thanI'deverseenhim,whichsurprisedme,becauseErmahadseemedtohavesomesortofanevilhold
overDad,andIthoughthe'dberelievedtobefreeofit.
Aswewalkedhome,MomaskeduskidsifwehadanythingnicetosayaboutErmanowthatshehad
passed.Wetookacoupleofstepsinsilence,thenLorisaid."Dingdong,thewitchisdead."
BrianandIstartedsnickering.DadwheeledaroundandgaveLorisuchacold,angrylookthatI
thoughthemightwallopher."Shewasmymother,forGod'ssake,"hesaid.Heglaredatus."Youkids.
Youmakemeashamed.Doyouhearme?Ashamed!"
HeturneddownthestreettoJunior'sbar.Weallwatchedhimgo."You'reashamedofus?"Loricalled
afterhim.
Dadjustkeptwalking.
***
Fourdayslater,whenDadstillhadn'tcomehome,Momsentmetogofindhim."WhydoIalwayshave
togetDad?"Iasked.
"Becausehelikesyouthebest,"shesaid."Andhe'llcomehomeifyoutellhimto."
ThefirststepintrackingdownDadwasgoingnextdoortotheFreemans,wholetususetheirphoneif
wepaidadime,andcallingGrandpatoaskifDadwasthere.GrandpasaidhehadnoideawhereDad
was.
"Wheny'allgonnagetyourowntelephone?"Mr.FreemanaskedafterIhungup.
"Momdisapprovesoftelephones,"IsaidasIplacedthedimeonhiscoffeetable."Shethinksthey'rean
impersonalmeansofcommunication."

Myfirststop,asalways,wasJunior's.ItwasthefanciestbarinWelch,withapicturewindow,agrill
thatservedhamburgersandfrenchfries,andapinballmachine.
"Hey!"oneoftheregularscalledoutwhenIwalkedin."It'sRex'slittlegirl.Howyadoin',sweetheart?"
"I'mfine,thankyou.Ismydadhere?"
"Rex?"Heturnedtothemannexttohim."Where'sthatoldpolecatRex?"
"IseenhimthismorningattheHowdyHouse."
"Honey,youlooklikeyoucouldusearest,"thebartendersaid."SitdownandhaveaCocaColaonthe
house."
"No,thankyou.I'vegotkitestoflyandfishtofry."
IwenttotheHowdyHouse,whichwasanotchbelowJunior's.Itwassmalleranddarker,andtheonly
fooditservedwaspickledeggs.ThebartendertoldmeDadhadgonetothePub,whichwasanotch
belowtheHowdyHousealmostpitchblack,withastickybartopandnofoodatall.Therehewas,in
themidstofafewotherregulars,tellingoneofhisairforcestories.
WhenDadsawme,hestoppedtalkingandlookedatmethewayhedideverytimeIhadtotrackhim
downinabar.Itwasalwaysanawkwardmomentforusboth.Ididn'twanttobefetchinghimanymore
thanhewantedhisragamuffindaughtersummoninghimhomelikeawaywardschoolboy.Helookedat
meinthiscold,strangewayforjustamoment,thenbrokeintoaheartygrin.
"Hey,MountainGoat!"heshouted."Whatthehellareyoudoinginthisdive?"
"Momsaysyouhavetocomehome,"Isaid.
"Shedoes,doesshe?"HeorderedaCocaColaformeandanothershotofwhiskeyforhimself.Ikept
tellingDaditwastimetogo,buthekeptputtingmeoffandorderingmoreshots,asifhehadtogulpa
wholebunchofthemdownbeforehecouldfacehome.Hestaggeredofftothebathroom,cameback,
orderedonefortheroad,slammedtheshotglassdownonthebar,andwalkedtothedoor.Helosthis
footingtryingtoopenitandsprawledonthefloor.Itriedtohelphimup,buthekeptfallingover.
"Honey,youain'tgettinghimnowherelikethat,"amanbehindmesaid."Here,letmegiveyoualift
home."
"I'dappreciatethat,sir,"Isaid."Ifit'snotoutofyourway."
SomeoftheotherregularshelpedthemanandmeloadDadintothebayoftheman'spickup.We
proppedDadupagainstatoolchest.Itwaslateafternooninearlyspring,thelightwasbeginningto
fade,andpeopleonMcDowellStreetwerelockinguptheirshopsandheadinghome.Dadstarted
singingoneofhisfavoritesongs.

Swinglow,sweetchariot
Comingfortocarrymehome.
Dadhadafinebaritone,withstrengthandtimbreandrange,anddespitebeingtanked,hesangthat
hymnliketheroofraiseritis.
IlookedoverJordan,andwhatdidIsee
Comingfortocarrymehome?
Abandofangelscomingafterme
Comingfortocarrymehome.
Iclimbedinnexttothedriver.OnthewayhomewithDadstillsingingawayintheback,extending
theword."low"solonghesoundedlikeamooingcowthemanaskedmeaboutschool.ItoldhimI
wasstudyinghardbecauseIwantedtobecomeeitheraveterinarianorageologistspecializinginthe
Mioceneperiod,whenthemountainsoutwestwereformed.Iwastellinghimhowgeodeswerecreated
frombubblesinlavawhenheinterruptedme."Forthedaughterofthetowndrunk,yousuregotbig
plans,"hesaid.
"Stopthetruck,"Isaid."Wecanmakeitonourownfromhere."
"Aw,now,Ididn'tmeannothingbythat,"hesaid."Andyouknowyouain'tgettinghimhomeonyour
own."
Still,hestopped.Iopenedthepickup'stailgateandtriedtodragDadout,butthemanwasright.I
couldn'tdoit.SoIclimbedbackinnexttothedriver,foldedmyarmsacrossmychest,andstared
straightahead.Whenwereached93LittleHobartStreet,hehelpedmepullDadout.
"IknowyoutookoffenseatwhatIsaid,"themantoldme."Thingis,Imeantitasacompliment."
MaybeIshouldhavethankedhim,butIjustwaiteduntilhedroveoff,andthenIcalledBriantohelp
megetDadupthehillandintothehouse.
***
AcoupleofmonthsafterErmadied,UncleStanleyfellasleepinthebasementwhilereadingcomic
booksandsmokingacigarette.Thebigclapboardhouseburnedtotheground,butGrandpaandStanley
gotoutalive,andtheymovedintoawindowlesstworoomapartmentinthebasementofanoldhouse
aroundthehill.Thedrugdealerswho'dlivedtherebeforehadspraypaintedcursewordsand
psychedelicpatternsonthewallsandtheceilingpipes.Thelandlorddidn'tpaintoverthem,andneither
didGrandpaandStanley.
GrandpaandUncleStanleydidhaveaworkingbathroom,soeveryweekendsomeofuswentoverto
takeabath.OnetimeIwassittingnexttoUncleStanleyonthecouchinhisroom,watchingHeeHaw
andwaitingformyturninthetub.GrandpawasoffattheMooseLodge,wherehespentthebetterpart
ofeveryday;Loriwastakingherbath;andMomwasatthetableinGrandpa'sroomworkingona
crosswordpuzzle.IfeltStanley'shandcreepingontomythigh.Ilookedathim,buthewasstaringatthe
HeeHawHoneyssointentlythatIcouldn'tbesurehewasdoingitonpurpose,soIknockedhishand
awaywithoutsayinganything.Afewminuteslater,thehandcamecreepingback.Ilookeddownand

sawthatUncleStanley'spantswereunzippedandhewasplayingwithhimself.Ifeltlikehittinghim,
butIwasafraidI'dgetintroublethewayLorihadafterpunchingErma,soIhurriedouttoMom.
"Mom,UncleStanleyisbehavinginappropriately,"Isaid.
"Oh,you'reprobablyimaginingit,"shesaid.
"Hegropedme!Andhe'swankingoff!"
Momcockedherheadandlookedconcerned."PoorStanley,"shesaid."He'ssolonely."
"Butitwasgross!"
MomaskedmeifIwasokay.Ishruggedandnodded."Well,thereyougo,"shesaid.Shesaidthat
sexualassaultwasacrimeofperception."Ifyoudon'tthinkyou'rehurt,thenyouaren't,"shesaid."So
manywomenmakesuchabigdealoutofthesethings.Butyou'restrongerthanthat."Shewentbackto
hercrosswordpuzzle.
Afterthat,IrefusedtogobacktoGrandpa's.Beingstrongwasfine,butthelastthingIneededwas
UncleStanleythinkingIwascomingbackformoreofhisfoolingaround.Ididwhateverittooktowash
myselfatLittleHobartStreet.Inthekitchen,wehadanaluminumtubyoucouldfitintoifyoupulled
yourlegsupagainstyourchest.Bythentheweatherwaswarmenoughtofillthetubwithwaterfrom
thetapunderthehouseandbatheinthekitchen.Afterthebath,Icrouchedbythesideofthetuband
dippedmyheadinthewaterandwashedmyhair.Butluggingallthosebucketsofwateruptothehouse
washardwork,andIwouldputoffbathinguntilIwasfeelingprettygamy.
***
Inthespring,therainscame,drenchingthevalleyfordaysinsheetsoffallingwater.Thewaterran
downthehillsidegullies,pullingrocksandsmalltreeswithit,andspilledacrosstheroads,tearingoff
chunksofasphalt.Itgushedintothecreeks,whichswelledupandturnedafoaminglightbrown,likea
chocolatemilkshake.ThecreeksemptiedintotheTug,whichoverfloweditsbanksandfloodedthe
housesandstoresalongMcDowellStreet.Mudwasfourfeetdeepinsomehouses,andfolks'pickups
andmobilehomesweresweptaway.OverinBuffaloCreekHollow,amineimpoundmentgaveway,
andawaveofblackwaterthirtyfeethighkilled126people.Momsaidthatthiswashownaturetook
herrevengeonmenwhorapedandpillagedtheland,ruiningnature'sowndrainagesystembyclear
cuttingforestsandstripminingmountains.
LittleHobartStreetwastoohighupinthehollowtogetanyflooding,buttherainwashedpartsofthe
roadintotheyardsofthepeoplewholivedbelowus.Thewateralsoateawaysomeofthesoilfrom
aroundthepillarsholdingupourhouse,makingitevenmoreprecarious.Theholeinthekitchenceiling
widened,andthentheceilingonBrianandMaureen'ssideofthebedroomstartedleaking.Brianhad
thetopbunk,andwhenitrained,he'dspreadatarpoverhimselftokeepthedrippingwateroff.
Everythinginthehousewasdamp.Afinegreenmoldspreadoverthebooksandpapersandpaintings
thatwerestackedsohighandpiledsodeepyoucouldhardlycrosstheroom.Tinymushroomssprouted
upincorners.Themoistureateawayatthewoodenstairsleadinguptothehouse,andclimbingthem
becameadailyhazard.Momfellthrougharottedstepandwenttumblingdownthehillside.Shehad

bruisesonherlegsandarmsforweeks."Myhusbanddoesn'tbeatme,"she'dsaywhenanyonestaredat
them."Hejustwon'tfixthestairs."
Theporchhadalsostartedtorot.Mostofthebanistersandrailinghadgivenway,andthefloorboards
hadturnedspongyandslickwithmoldandalgae.Itbecamearealproblemwhenyouhadtogodown
underthehousetousethetoiletatnight,andeachofushadslippedandfallenofftheporchatleast
once.Itwasagoodtenfeettotheground.
"Wehavetodosomethingabouttheporchsituation,"ItoldMom."It'sgettingdownrightdangerousto
gotothebathroomatnight."Besides,thetoiletunderthehousewasnowtotallyunusable.Ithad
overflowed,andyouwerebetteroffdiggingyourselfaholeinthehillsidesomewhere.
"You'reright,"Momsaid."Somethinghastobedone."
Sheboughtabucket.Itwasmadeofyellowplastic,andwekeptitonthefloorinthekitchen,andthat
waswhatweusedwheneverwehadtogotothebathroom.Whenitfilledup,somebravesoulwould
carryitoutside,digahole,andemptyit.
ONEDAYWHILEBrianandIwereoutscroungingaroundontheedgeofourproperty,hepickedup
apieceofrottinglumber,andthereamongthepillbugsandnightcrawlerswasadiamondring.The
stonewasbig.Atfirstwethoughtitwasjustneatjunk,butwespitpolisheditandscratchedglasswith
itlikeDadhadshownus,anditseemedreal.Wefigureditmusthavebelongedtotheoldladywhohad
livedthere.Shehaddiedbeforewemovedin.Everyonehadsaidshewasalittleloopy.
"Whatdoyouthinkit'sworth?"IaskedBrian.
"Probablymorethanthehouse,"hesaid.
Wefiguredwecouldsellitandbuyfood,payoffthehouseMomandDadkeptmissingthemonthly
payments,andtherewastalkthatweweregoingtobeevictedandmaybestillhaveenoughleftover
forsomethingspecial,likeanewpairofsneakersforeachofus.
WebroughttheringhomeandshowedittoMom.Sheheldituptothelight,thensaidweneededto
haveitappraised.ThenextdayshetooktheTrailwaysbustoBluefield.Whenshereturned,shetoldus
itwasinfactagenuinetwocaratdiamond.
"Sowhat'sitworth?"Iasked.
"Thatdoesn'tmatter,"Momsaid.
"Howcome?"
"Becausewe'renotsellingit."
Shewaskeepingit,sheexplained,toreplacetheweddingringhermotherhadgivenher,theoneDad

hadpawnedshortlyaftertheygotmarried.
"ButMom,"Isaid."thatringcouldgetusalotoffood."
"That'strue,"Momsaid,"butitcouldalsoimprovemyselfesteem.Andattimeslikethese,selfesteem
isevenmorevitalthanfood."
***
Mom'sselfesteemdidneedsomeshoringup.Sometimes,thingsjustgottoher.Sheretreatedtoher
sofabedandstayedtherefordaysonend,cryingandoccasionallythrowingthingsatus.Shecouldhave
beenafamousartistbynow,sheyelled,ifshehadn'thadchildren,andnoneofusappreciatedher
sacrifice.Thenextday,ifthemoodhadpassed,she'dbepaintingandhummingawayasifnothinghad
happened.
OneSaturdaymorningnotlongafterMomstartedwearinghernewdiamondring,hermoodwasonan
upswing,andshedecidedwe'dallcleanthehouse.Ithoughtthiswasagreatidea.ItoldMomwe
shouldemptyouteachroom,cleanitthoroughly,andputbackonlythethingsthatwereessential.That
wastheoneway,itseemedtome,togetridoftheclutter.ButMomsaidmyideawastootime
consuming,soallweendedupdoingwasstraighteningpilesofpaperintostacksandstuffingdirty
clothesintothechestofdrawers.MominsistedthatwechantHailMaryswhileweworked."It'saway
ofcleansingoursoulswhilewe'recleaninghouse,"shesaid."We'rekillingtwobirdswithonestone."
Thereasonshehadbecomeatadmoody,shesaidlaterthatday,wasthatshehadn'tbeengetting
enoughexercise."I'mgoingtostartdoingcalisthenics,"sheannounced."Onceyougetyourcirculation
going,itchangesyourentireoutlookonlife."Sheleanedoverandtouchedhertoes.
Whenshecameup,shesaidshewasfeelingbetteralready,andwentdownforanothertoetouch.I
watchedfromthewritingdeskwithmyarmsfoldedacrossmychest.Iknewtheproblemwasnotthat
weallhadpoorcirculation.Wedidn'tneedtostartdoingtoetouches.Weneededtotakedrastic
measures.Iwastwelvebynow,andIhadbeenweighingouroptions,doingsomeresearchatthepublic
libraryandpickingupscrapsofinformationabouthowotherfamiliesonLittleHobartStreetsurvived.
IhadcomeupwithaplanandhadbeenwaitingfortheopportunitytobroachittoMom.Themoment
seemedripe.
"Mom,wecan'tgoonlivinglikethis,"Isaid.
"It'snotsobad,"shesaid.Betweeneachtoetouch,shewasreachingupintotheair.
"Wehaven'thadanythingtoeatbutpopcornforthreedays,"Isaid.
"You'realwayssonegative,"shesaid."Youremindmeofmymothercriticize,criticize,criticize."
"I'mnotbeingnegative,"Isaid."I'mtryingtoberealistic."
"I'mdoingthebestIcanunderthecircumstances,"shesaid."Howcomeyouneverblameyourfather
foranything?He'snosaint,youknow."

"Iknow,"Isaid.Iranafingeralongtheedgeofthedesk.Dadwasalwaysparkinghiscigarettesthere,
anditwasribbedwitharowofblackcigaretteburns,likeadecorativeborder."Mom,youhavetoleave
Dad,"Isaid.
Shestoppeddoinghertoetouches."Ican'tbelieveyouwouldsaythat,"shesaid."Ican'tbelievethat
you,ofallpeople,wouldturnonyourfather."IwasDad'slastdefender,shecontinued,theonlyone
whopretendedtobelieveallhisexcusesandtales,andtohavefaithinhisplansforthefuture."Heloves
yousomuch,"Momsaid."Howcanyoudothistohim?"
"Idon'tblameDad,"Isaid.AndIdidn't.ButDadseemedhellbentondestroyinghimself,andIwas
afraidhewasgoingtopullusalldownwithhim."We'vegottogetaway."
"ButIcan'tleaveyourfather!"shesaid.
ItoldMomthatifsheleftDad,she'dbeeligibleforgovernmentaid,whichshecouldn'tgetnow
becauseshehadanablebodiedhusband.Somepeopleatschoolnottomentionhalfthepeopleon
LittleHobartStreetwereonwelfare,anditwasn'tsobad.IknewMomwasopposedtowelfare,but
thosekidsgotfoodstampsandclothingallowances.Thestateboughtthemcoalandpaidfortheir
schoollunches.
Momwouldn'thearofit.Welfare,shesaid,wouldcauseirreparablepsychologicaldamagetouskids.
"Youcanbehungryeverynowandthen,butonceyoueat,you'reokay,"shesaid."Andyoucanget
coldforawhile,butyoualwayswarmup.Onceyougoonwelfare,itchangesyou.Evenifyougetoff
welfare,youneverescapethestigmathatyouwereacharitycase.You'rescarredforlife."
"Fine,"Isaid."Ifwe'renotcharitycases,thengetajob."TherewasateachershortageinMcDowell
County,justliketherehadbeeninBattleMountain.Shecouldgetworkinaheartbeat,andwhenshe
hadasalary,wecouldmoveintoalittleapartmentintown.
"Thatsoundslikeanawfullife,"Momsaid.
"Worsethanthis?"Iasked.
Momturnedquiet.Sheseemedtobethinking.Thenshelookedup.Shewassmilingserenely."Ican't
leaveyourfather,"shesaid."It'sagainsttheCatholicfaith."Thenshesighed."Andanyway,youknow
yourmom.I'manexcitementaddict."
MOMNEVERTOLDDadthatI'durgedhertoleavehim.Thatsummerhestillthoughtofmeashis
biggestsupporter,andgiventhattherewassolittlecompetitionforthejob,Iprobablywas.
OneafternooninJune,DadandIweresittingoutontheporch,ourlegsdanglingovertheside,looking
downatthehousesbelow.Thatsummer,itwassohotIcouldbarelybreathe.Itseemedhotterthan
PhoenixorBattleMountain,whereitregularlyclimbedaboveahundreddegrees,sowhenDadtoldme
itwasonlyninetydegrees,Isaidthethermometermustbebroken.Buthesaidno,wewereusedtodry
desertheat,andthiswashumidheat.

Itwasalothotter,Dadpointedout,downinthevalleyalongStewartStreet,whichwaslinedwiththose
cutebrickhousesthathadtheirneat,squarelawnsandcorrugatedaluminumbreezeways.Thevalleys
trappedtheheat.Ourhousewasthehighestonthemountainside,whichmadeit,ergo,thecoolestspot
inWelch.Incaseoffloodingaswehadseenitwasalsothesafest."Youdidn'tknowIputalotof
thoughtintowhereweshouldlive,didyou?"heaskedme."Realestate'saboutthreethings,Mountain
Goat.Location.Location.Location."
Dadstartedlaughing.Itwasasilentlaughthatmadehisshouldersshake,andthemorehelaughed,the
funnieritseemedtohim,whichmadehimlaughevenharder.Ihadtostartlaughing,too,andsoonwe
werebothhysterical,lyingonourbacks,tearsrunningdownourcheeks,slappingourfeetontheporch
floor.We'dgettoowindedtolaughanyfurther,oursidescrampingwithstitches,andwe'dthinkourfit
wasover,butthenoneofuswouldstartchuckling,andthatwouldgettheothergoing,andagainwe'd
bothendupshriekinglikehyenas.
***
ThemainsourceofrelieffromtheheatforthekidsinWelchwasthepublicswimmingpool,downby
therailroadtracksneartheEssostation.BrianandIhadgoneswimmingonce,butErnieGoadandhis
friendswerethere,andtheystartedtellingeverybodythatweWallseslivedingarbageandwouldstink
upthepoolwatersomethingawful.ThiswasErnieGoad'sopportunitytotakerevengefortheBattleof
LittleHobartStreet.Oneofhisfriendscameupwiththephrase."healthepidemic,"andtheywere
goingontotheparentsandlifeguardsthatweneededtobeejectedtopreventanoutbreakatthepool.
BrianandIdecidedtoleave.Aswewerewalkingaway,ErnieGoadcameuptothechainlinkfence.
"Goonhometothegarbagedump!"heshouted.Hisvoicewasshrillwithtriumph."Goon,now,and
don'tcomeback!"
***
Aweeklater,withtheheatstillholding,IranintoDinitiaHewittdowntown.Shehadjustcomefrom
thepoolandhadherwethairpulledbackunderascarf."Brother,thatwaterfeltgood,"shesaid,
drawingouttheword."good"soitsoundedlikeithadaboutfifteenOsinit."Doyouevergo
swimming?"
"Theydon'tlikeustogothere,"Isaid.
Dinitianodded,eventhoughIhadn'texplained.Thenshesaid."Whydon'tyoucomeswimmingwithus
inthemorning?"
By."us"Iknewshemeanttheotherblackpeople.Thepoolwasnotsegregated,anyonecouldswimat
anytimetechnically,atleastbutthefactwasthatalltheblackpeopleswaminthemorning,when
thepoolwasfree,andallthewhitepeopleswamintheafternoon,whenadmissionwasfiftycents.No
onehadplannedthisarrangement,andnorulesenforcedit.Thatwasjustthewayitwas.
Isurelywantedtogetbackinthatwater,butIcouldn'thelpbutfeelthatifItookDinitiauponheroffer,
I'dbeviolatingsomesortoftaboo."Wouldn'tanybodygetmad?"Iasked.
"'Causeyou'rewhite?"sheasked."Yourownkindmight,butwewon't.Andyourownkindwon'tbe
there."

***
ThenextmorningImetDinitiainfrontofthepoolentrance,mythriftshoponepiecerolledinsidemy
frayedgraytowel.Thewhitegirlclerkingtheentranceboothgavemeasurprisedlookwhenwepassed
throughthegate,butshesaidnothing.Thewomen'slockerroomwasdarkandsmelledofPineSol,
withcinderblockwallsandawetcementfloor.Asoultunewasblastingoutofaneighttracktape
player,andalltheblackwomenpackedbetweenthepeelingwoodenbenchesweresinginganddancing
tothemusic.
InthelockerroomsI'dbeenin,thewhitewomenalwaysseemedembarrassedbytheirnakednessand
wrappedtowelsaroundtheirwaistsbeforeslippingofftheirunderpants,butheremostofthewomen
werebucknaked.Someofthemwereskinny,withangularhipsandjuttingcollarbones.Othershadbig
pillowybehindsandhugeswingingbreasts,andtheywerebumpingtheirbuttstogetherandpushing
theirbreastsupagainsteachotherastheydanced.
Assoonasthewomensawme,theystoppeddancing.Oneofthenakedonescameoverandstoodin
frontofme,herhandsonherhips,herbreastssocloseIwasterrifiedhernipplesweregoingtotouch
me.DinitiaexplainedthatIwaswithherandthatIwasgoodpeople.Thewomenlookedatoneanother
andshrugged.
Iwasgoingonthirteenandselfconscious,soIplannedtoslipmybathingsuitonunderneathmydress,
butIworriedthiswouldonlymakememoreconspicuous,soItookadeepbreathandsteppedoutof
myclothes.Thescaronmyribswasaboutthesizeofmyoutstretchedhand,andDinitianoticedit
immediately.IexplainedthatIhadgottenitwhenIwasthree,andthatI'dbeeninthehospitalforsix
weeksgettingskingrafts,andthatwaswhyIneverworeabikini.Dinitiaranherfingerslightlyoverthe
scartissue."Itain'tsobad,"shesaid.
"Hey,'Nitia!"oneofthewomenshouted."Yourwhitefriend'sgotaredbushcomingin!"
"Whatdidyouexpect?"Dinitiaasked.
"That'sright,"Isaid."Collargottomatchthecuffs."
ItwasalineI'dheardDinitiause.Shesmiledatit,andthewomenallshriekedwithlaughter.Oneof
thedancersbumpedherhipupagainstme.Ifeltwelcomeenoughtogiveasaucybumpback.
DinitiaandIstayedinthepoolallmorning,splashing,practicingthebackstrokeandthebutterfly.She
flailedaroundinthewateralmostasmuchasIdid.Westoodonourhandsandstuckourlegsoutofthe
water,didunderwatertwists,andplayedMarcoPoloandchickenwiththeotherkids.Weclimbedoutto
docannonballsandwatermelonsofftheside,makingbiggeyserlikesplashesintendedtodrenchas
manypeoplesittingpoolsideaspossible.Thebluewatersparkledandchurnedwhitewithfoam.Bythe
timethefreeswimwasover,myfingersandtoeswerecompletelywrinkled,andmyeyeswereredand
stingingfromthechlorine,whichwassostrongitwaftedupfromthepoolinavaporyoucould
practicallysee.I'dneverfeltcleaner.
THATAFTERNOONIWASaloneinthehouse,stillenjoyingtheitchy,dryfeelingofmychlorine

scouredskinandthewobblybonefeelingyougetfromalotofexercise,whenIheardaknockonthe
door.Thenoisestartledme.Almostnooneevervisitedusat93LittleHobartStreet.Iopenedthedoor
afewinchesandpeeredout.Abaldingmancarryingafilefolderunderhisarmstoodontheporch.
SomethingabouthimsaidgovernmentaspeciesDadhadtrainedustoavoid.
"Istheheadofthehouseholdin?"heasked.
"Whowantstoknow?"Isaid.
Themansmiledthewayyoudotosugarcoatbadnews."I'mwithchildwelfare,andI'mlookingfor
eitherRexorRoseMaryWalls,"hesaid.
"They'renothere,"Isaid.
"Howoldareyou?"heasked.
"Twelve."
"CanIcomein?"
Icouldseehewastryingtopeerbehindmeintothehouse.Ipulledthedoorallthewayclosedexcept
foracrack."MomandDadwouldn'twantmetoletyouin,"Isaid."Untiltheytalktotheirattorney,"I
addedtoimpresshim."Justtellmewhatitisyou'reafter,andI'llpassonthemessage."
Themansaidthatsomeonewhosenamehewasnotatlibertytodisclosehadcalledhisoffice
recommendinganinquiryintoconditionsat93LittleHobartStreet,whereitwaspossiblethat
dependentchildrenmightbelivinginastateofneglect.
"Noone'sneglectingus,"Isaid.
"Yousure?"
"I'msure,mister."
"Dadwork?"
"Ofcourse,"Isaid."Hedoesoddjobs.Andhe'sanentrepreneur.He'sdevelopingatechnologytoburn
lowgradebituminouscoalsafelyandefficiently."
"Andyourmother?"
"She'sanartist,"Isaid."Andawriterandateacher."
"Really?"Themanmadeanoteonapad."Where?"
"Idon'tthinkMomandDadwouldwantmetalkingtoyouwithoutthemhere,"Isaid."Comeback

whenthey'rehere.They'llansweryourquestions."
"Good,"themansaid."Iwillcomeback.Tellthemthat."
Hepassedabusinesscardthroughthecrackinthedoorway.Iwatchedhimmakehiswaydowntothe
ground."Carefulonthosestairsnow,"Icalled."We'reintheprocessofbuildinganewset."
***
Afterthemanleft,IwassofuriousthatIranupthehillsideandstartedhurlingrocksbigrocksthatit
tooktwohandstoliftintothegarbagepit.ExceptforErma,IhadneverhatedanyonemorethanI
hatedthatchildwelfareman.NotevenErnieGoad.AtleastwhenErnieandhisgangcamearound
yellingthatweweretrash,wecouldfightthemoffwithrocks.Butifthechildwelfaremangotitinto
hisheadthatwewereanunfitfamily,we'dhavenowaytodrivehimoff.He'dlaunchaninvestigation
andendupsendingmeandBrianandLoriandMaureenofftolivewithdifferentfamilies,eventhough
weallgotgoodgradesandknewMorsecode.Icouldn'tletthathappen.NowaywasIgoingtolose
BrianandLoriandMaureen.
Iwishedwecoulddotheskedaddle.ForalongtimeBrian,Lori,andIhadassumedwewouldleave
Welchsoonerorlater.Everycoupleofmonthswe'daskDadifweweregoingtomoveon.He'd
sometimestalkaboutAustraliaorAlaska,buthenevertookanyaction,andwhenweaskedMom,she'd
startsingingsomesongabouthowhergetupandgohadgotupandwent.Maybecomingbackto
WelchhadkilledtheideaDadusedtohaveofhimselfasamangoingplaces.Thetruthwas,wewere
stuck.
WhenMomgothome,Igavehertheman'scardandtoldherabouthisvisit.Iwasstillinalather.Isaid
thatsinceneithershenorDadcouldbebotheredtowork,andsincesherefusedtoleaveDad,the
governmentwasgoingtodothejobofsplittingupthefamilyforher.
IexpectedMomtocomebackwithoneofherchoiceremarks,butshelistenedtomytiradeinsilence.
Thenshesaidsheneededtoconsiderheroptions.Shesatdownathereasel.Shehadrunoutof
canvasesandhadbegunpaintingonplywood,soshepickedupapieceofwood,gotoutherpalette,
squeezedsomepaintsontoit,andselectedabrush.
"Whatareyoudoing?"Iasked.
"I'mthinking,"shesaid.
Momworkedquickly,automatically,asifsheknewexactlywhatitwasshewantedtopaint.Afigure
tookshapeinthemiddleoftheboard.Itwasawomanfromthewaistup,withherarmsraised.Blue
concentriccirclesappearedaroundthewaist.Thebluewaswater.Momwaspaintingapictureofa
womandrowninginastormylake.Whenshewasfinished,shesatforalongtimeinsilence,staringat
thepicture.
"Sowhatarewegoingtodo?"Ifinallyasked.
"Jeannette,you'resofocusedit'sscary."

"Youdidn'tanswermyquestion,"Isaid.
"I'llgetajob,Jeannette,"shesnapped.Shethrewherpaintbrushintothejarthatheldherturpentineand
sattherelookingatthedrowningwoman.
QUALIFIEDTEACHERSweresoscarceinMcDowellCountythattwooftheteachersI'dhaveat
WelchHighSchoolhadneverbeentocollege.Momwasabletolandajobbytheendoftheweek.We
spentthosedaysfranticallytryingtocleanthehouseinanticipationofthereturnofthechildwelfare
man.Itwasahopelesstask,givenallthestacksofMom'sjunkandtheholeintheceilingandthe
disgustingyellowbucketinthekitchen.However,forsomereasonhenevercameback.
Mom'sjobwasteachingremedialreadinginanelementaryschoolinDavy,acoalminingcamptwelve
milesnorthofWelch.Sincewestillhadnocar,theschool'sprincipalarrangedforMomtogetaride
withanotherteacher,LucyJoRose,whohadjustgraduatedfromBluefieldStateCollegeandwassofat
shecouldbarelysqueezebehindthesteeringwheelofherbrownDodgeDart.LucyJo,whomthe
principalhadmoreorlessorderedtoperformthisservice,tookaninstantdisliketoMom.Sherefused
tosaymuchduringthetrip,insteadplayingBarbaraMandrelltapesandsmokingfiltertipKoolsthe
entiretime.AssoonasMomgotoutofthecar,LucyJomadeabigshowofsprayingMom'sseatwith
Lysol.Mom,forherpart,feltthatLucyJowaswoefullyuninformed.WhenMommentionedJackson
Pollockonce,LucyJosaidthatshehadPolishbloodandthereforedidnotappreciateMomusing
derogatorynamesforPolishpeople.
Momhadthesameproblemsshe'dhadinBattleMountainwithorganizingherpaperworkand
discipliningherstudents.Atleastonemorningaweek,she'dthrowatantrumandrefusetogotowork,
andLori,Brian,andIwouldhavetogethercollectedanddowntothestreetwhereLucyJowaitedwith
ascowl,bluesmokechuggingupoutoftheDart'srustedthroughtailpipe.
Butatleastwehadmoney.WhileI'dbeenbringinginalittleextracashbabysitting,Brianwascutting
otherpeople'sweeds,andLorihadapaperroute,itdidn'tadduptomuch.NowMomgotpaidabout
sevenhundreddollarsamonth,andthefirsttimeIsawhergraygreenpaycheck,withitsdetachable
stubandautomatedsignatures,Ithoughtourtroubleswereover.Onpaydays,Momtookuskidsdown
tothebigbankacrossfromthecourthousetocashthecheck.Afterthecashiergaveherthemoney,
Momwentintoacornerofthebankandstuffeditintoasockshe'dsafetypinnedtoherbra.Thenwe
allscurriedaroundtothepowercompanyandthewaterauthorityandthelandlord,payingoffourbills
withtensandtwenties.TheclerksavertedtheireyesasMomfishedthesockoutofherbra,explaining
toeveryonewithinearshotthatthiswasherwayofmakingsureshewasneverpickpocketed.
Momalsoboughtsomeelectricheatersandarefrigeratoronlayaway,andwe'dgototheappliancestore
andputdownafewdollarseverymonth,figuringthey'dbeoursbywintertime.Momalwayshadat
leastone."extravagance"onlayaway,somethingwereallydidn'tneedatasseledsilkthroworacut
crystalvasebecauseshesaidthesurestwaytofeelrichwastoinvestinqualitynonessentials.After
that,we'dgotothegrocerystoreatthebottomofthehillandstockuponstaplessuchasbeansand
rice,powderedmilk,andcannedgoods.Momalwaysboughtthedentedcans,eveniftheyweren't
markeddown,becauseshesaidtheyneededtobeloved,too.

Athome,we'demptyMom'spurseontothesofabedandcounttheremainingmoney.There'dbe
hundredsofdollars,morethanenoughtocoverourexpensesuntiltheendofthemonth,Ithought.But
monthaftermonth,themoneywoulddisappearbeforethenextpaycheckarrived,andoncemoreI'd
findmyselfrootinginthegarbageatschoolforfood.
Towardtheendofonemonththatfall,Momannouncedthatwehadonlyonedollarfordinner.That
wasenoughtobuyonegallonofNeapolitanicecream,whichshesaidwasnotonlydeliciousbuthad
lotsofcalciumandwouldbegoodforourbones.Webroughttheicecreamhome,andBrianpulled
apartthecartonandcuttheblockintofiveevenslices.Icalleddibsonfirstchoice.Momtoldusto
savoritbecausewehadnomoneyfordinnerthenextnight.
"Mom,whathappenedtoitall?"Iaskedasweateouricecreamslices.
"Gone,gone,gone!"shesaid."It'sallgone."
"Butwhere?"Loriasked.
"I'vegotahousefulofkidsandahusbandwhosoaksupboozelikeasponge,"Momsaid."Making
endsmeetisharderthanyouthink."
Itcouldn'tbethathard,Ithought.Othermomsdidit.Itriedquizzingher.Wasshespendingthemoney
onherself?WasshegivingittoDad?WasDadstealingit?Ordidwegothroughitquickly?Icouldn't
getananswer."Giveusthemoney,"Isaid."We'llworkoutabudgetandsticktoit."
"Easyforyoutosay,"Momreplied.
LoriandIdidworkoutabudget,andweincludedagenerousallowanceforMomtocoverluxuriessuch
asextralargeHersheybarsandcutcrystalvases.Ifwekepttoourbudget,webelieved,wecouldafford
newclothesandshoesandcoats,andbuyatonofcoalatthecheaperoffseasonprice.Eventually,we
couldinstallinsulation,runawaterpipeintothehouse,andmaybeevenaddawaterheater.ButMom
neverturnedthemoneyovertous.Soeventhoughshehadasteadyjob,wewerelivingprettymuch
likewehadbefore.
I'DSTARTEDSEVENTHgradethatfall,whichmeantattendingWelchHighSchool.Itwasabig
school,nearthetopofahilllookingdownonthetown,withasteeproadleadingup.Kidswerebused
infromwayupinthehollowsandfromcoalcampssuchasDavyandHemphillthatweretoosmallto
havetheirownhighschool.Someofthekidslookedaspoorasme,withhomecuthairandholesinthe
toesoftheirshoes.IfounditaloteasiertofitinthanatWelchElementary.
DinitiaHewittwasthere,too.ThatsummermorningI'dspentswimmingwithDinitiaatthepublicpool
wasthehappiesttimeI'dhadinWelch,butsheneverinvitedmeback,andeventhoughitwasapublic
pool,Ididn'tfeelIcouldgotothefreeswimunlessIhadaninvitationfromher.Isawheragainonly
whenschoolstarted,andneitherofusevermentionedthatdayatthepool.Iguesswebothknewthat,
giventhewaypeopleinWelchthoughtaboutmixing,itwouldbetooweirdforustotrytobeclose
friends.Duringlunch,Dinitiahungoutwiththeotherblackkids,butwehadastudyhalltogetherand

passednotestoeachotherthere.
BythetimeshegottoWelchHigh,Dinitiahadchanged.Thesparkhadgoneoutofher.Shestarted
drinkingmaltaleduringschool.She'dfillasodacanwithMadDog20/20andcarryitrightintoclass.
Itriedtofindoutwhatwaswrong,butallIcouldpryfromherwasthathermother'snewboyfriendhad
movedinwiththem,andthefitwasalittletight.
OnedayjustbeforeChristmas,Dinitiapassedmeanoteinstudyhallaskingforgirls'namesthatbegan
withD.IwrotedownasmanyasIcouldthinkofDiane,Donna,Dora,Dreama,Diandraandthen
wrote,Why?Shepassedanotebacksaying,IthinkI'mpregnant.
AfterChristmas,Dinitiadidnotreturntoschool.Whenamonthhadgoneby,Iwalkedaroundthe
mountaintoherhouseandknockedonthedoor.Amanopeneditandstaredatme.Hehadskinlikean
ironskilletandnicotineyelloweyes.Heleftthestormdoorshut,soIhadtospeakthroughthescreen.
"IsDinitiahome?"Iasked.
"Whyyouwanttoknow?"
"Iwanttoseeher."
"Shedon'twanttoseeyou,"hesaidandshutthedoor.
IsawDinitiaaroundtownonceortwiceafterthat,andwewavedbutneverspokeagain.Later,weall
learnedshe'dbeenarrestedforstabbinghermother'sboyfriendtodeath.
***
Theothergirlstalkedendlesslyamongthemselvesaboutwhostillhadtheircherryandhowfarthey
wouldlettheirboyfriendgo.Theworldseemeddividedintogirlswithboyfriendsandgirlswithout
them.Itwasthedistinctionthatmatteredthemost,practicallytheonlyonethatdidmatter.ButIknew
thatboysweredangerous.They'dsaytheylovedyou,buttheywerealwaysaftersomething.
EventhoughIdidn'ttrustboys,Isuredidwishonewouldshowsomeinterestinme.KennyHall,the
oldguydownthestreetwhowasstillpiningawayforme,didn'tcount.Ifanyboywasinterestedinme,
IwonderedifI'dhavethewherewithaltotellhim,whenhetriedtogotoofar,thatIwasnotthatkindof
girl.Butthetruthwas,Ididn'tneedtoworrymuchaboutfendingoffadvances,seeinghowasErnie
GoadtoldmeoneveryavailableoccasionIwasporkchopugly.AndbythathemeantsouglythatifI
wantedadogtoplaywithme,I'dhavetotieaporkchoparoundmyneck.
IhadwhatMomcalleddistinctivelooks.Thatwasonewayofputtingit.Iwasnearlysixfeettall,pale
asafrog'sunderbelly,andhadbrightredhair.Myelbowswerelikeflyingwedgesandmykneesliketea
saucers.Butmymostprominentfeaturemyworstwasmyteeth.Theyweren'trottenorcrooked.In
fact,theywerebig,healthythings.Buttheystuckstraightout.Thetoprowthrustforwardso
enthusiasticallythatIhadtroubleclosingmymouthcompletely,andIwasalwaysstretchingmyupper
liptotrytocoverthem.WhenIlaughed,Iputmyhandovermymouth.
LoritoldmeIhadanexaggeratedviewofhowbadmyteethlooked."They'rejustalittlebucked,"she'd

say."TheyhaveacertainPippiLongstockingishcharm."Momtoldmemyoverbitegavemyface
character.Briansaidthey'dcomeinhandyifIeverneededtoeatanapplethroughtheknotholeina
fence.
WhatIneeded,Iknew,wasbraces.EverytimeIlookedinthemirror,Ilongedforwhattheotherkids
calledabarbedwiremouth.MomandDadhadnomoneyforbraces,ofcoursenoneofuskidshad
everevenbeentothedentistbutsinceI'dbeenbabysittinganddoingotherkids'homeworkforcash,I
resolvedtosaveupuntilIcouldaffordbracesmyself.Ihadnoideahowmuchtheycost,soI
approachedtheonlygirlinmyclasswhoworebracesand,aftercomplimentingherorthodontia,
casuallyaskedhowmuchithadsetherfolksback.Whenshesaidtwelvehundreddollars,Ialmostfell
over.Iwasgettingadollaranhourtobabysit.Iusuallyworkedfiveorsixhoursaweek,whichmeant
thatifIsavedeverypennyIearned,itwouldtakeaboutfouryearstoraisethemoney.
Idecidedtomakemyownbraces.
***
Iwenttothelibraryandaskedforabookonorthodontia.Thelibrarianlookedatmekindoffunnyand
saidshedidn'thaveone,soIrealizedI'dhavetofigurethingsoutasIwentalong.Theprocessinvolved
someexperimentationandseveralfalsestarts.AtfirstIsimplyusedarubberband.Beforegoingtobed,
Iwouldstretchitallthewayaroundtheentiresetofmyupperteeth.Therubberbandwassmallbut
thickandhadagood,tightfit.Butitpresseddownuncomfortablyonmytongue,andsometimesit
wouldpopoffduringthenightandI'dwakeupchokingonit.Usually,however,itstayedonallnight,
andinthemorningmygumswouldbesorefromthepressureonmyteeth.
Thatseemedlikeapromisingsign,butIbegantoworrythatinsteadofpushingmyfrontteethin,the
rubberbandmightbepullingmybackteethforward.SoIgotsomelargerrubberbandsandworethem
aroundmywholehead,pressingagainstmyfrontteeth.Theproblemwiththistechniquewasthatthe
rubberbandsweretighttheyhadtobe,toworksoI'dwakeupwithheadachesanddeepredmarks
wheretherubberbandshaddugintothesidesofmyface.
Ineededmoreadvancedtechnology.Ibentametalcoathangerintoahorseshoeshapetofitthebackof
myhead.ThenIcurledthetwoendsoutward,sowhenthecoathangerwasaroundmyhead,theends
angledawayfrommyfaceandformedhookstoholdtherubberbandinplace.WhenItriediton,the
coathangerdugintothebackofmyskull,soIusedaKotexsanitarynapkinforpadding.
Thecontraptionworkedperfectly,exceptthatIhadtosleepflatonmyback,whichIalwayshadtrouble
doing,especiallywhenitwascold:Ilikedtosnuggledownintotheblankets.Also,therubberbands
stillpoppedoffinthemiddleofthenight.Anotherdrawbackwasthatthedevicetookalotoftimeto
putonproperly.I'dwaituntilitwasdarksonooneelsewouldseeit.
OnenightIwaslyinginmybunkwearingmyelaboratecoathangerbraceswhenthebedroomdoor
opened.Icouldmakeoutadimfigureinthedarkness."Who'sthere?"Icalledout,butbecauseIhad
mybraceson,itcameoutsoundinglike."Phoofder?"
"It'syouroldman,"Dadanswered."What'swiththemumbling?"Hecameovertomybunk,helduphis
Zippo,andflickedit.Aflameshotup."WhattheSamHill'sthatonyourhead?"

"Mybrafef,"Isaid.
"Yourwhat?"
ItookoffthecontraptionandexplainedtoDadthat,becausemyfrontteethstuckoutsobadly,Ineeded
braces,buttheycosttwelvehundreddollars,soIhadmademyown.
"Putthembackon,"Dadsaid.Hestudiedmyhandiworkintently,thennodded."Thosebracesarea
goddamnfeatofengineeringgenius,"hesaid."Youtakeafteryouroldman."
Hetookmychinandpulledmymouthopen."AndIthinkthey'rebyGodworking."
THATYEARISTARTEDworkingfortheschoolnewspaper,TheMaroonWave.Iwantedtojoin
somecluborgroupororganizationwhereIcouldfeelIbelonged,wherepeoplewouldn'tmoveawayif
Isatdownnexttothem.Iwasagoodrunner,andIthoughtofgoingoutforthetrackteam,butyouhad
topayforyouruniform,andMomsaidwecouldn'taffordit.Youdidn'thavetobuyauniformora
musicalinstrumentorpayanyduestoworkontheWave.
MissJeanetteBivens,oneofthehighschoolEnglishteachers,wastheWave'sfacultyadviser.Shewas
aquiet,precisewomanwhohadbeenatWelchHighSchoolsolongthatshehadalsobeenDad's
Englishteacher.Shewasthefirstpersoninhislife,heoncetoldme,who'dshowedanyfaithinhim.
Shethoughthewasatalentedwriterandhadencouragedhimtosubmitatwentyfourlinepoemcalled.
"SummerStorm"toastatewidepoetrycompetition.Whenitwonfirstprize,oneofDad'sotherteachers
wonderedaloudifthesonoftwolowlifealcoholicslikeTedandErmaWallscouldhavewrittenit
himself.Dadwassoinsultedthathewalkedoutofschool.ItwasMissBivenswhoconvincedhimto
returnandearnhisdiploma,tellinghimhehadwhatittooktobesomebody.Dadhadnamedmeafter
her;MomsuggestedaddingthesecondNtomakeitmoreelegantandFrench.
MissBivenstoldmethatasfarasshecouldremember,Iwastheonlyseventhgraderwho'dever
workedfortheWave.Istartedoutasaproofreader.Onwinterevenings,insteadofhuddlingaroundthe
stoveat93LittleHobartStreet,I'dgodowntothewarm,dryofficesofTheWelchDailyNews,where
TheMaroonWavewastypeset,laidout,andprinted.Ilovedthenewsroom'spurposefulatmosphere.
Teletypemachinesclatteredagainstthewallasspoolsofpapercarryingnewsfromaroundtheworld
pileduponthefloor.Banksoffluorescentlightshungdowneighteeninchesabovetheslanted,glass
toppeddeskswheremenwearinggreeneyeshadesconferredoverstacksofcopyandphotographs.
I'dtaketheWavegalleysandsitatoneofthedesks,mybackfirm,apencilbehindmyear,studyingthe
pagesfortypos.TheyearsI'dspenthelpingMomcheckspellingonherstudents'homeworkhadgiven
melotsofpracticeforthislineofwork.I'dmakecorrectionswithalightbluefeltmarkerthatcouldn't
bepickedupbythecamerathatphotographedthepagesforprinting.Thetypesetterswouldretypethe
linesI'dcorrectedandprintthemout.I'drunthecorrectedlinesthroughthehotwaxmachinethat
madethebacksidesticky,thencutoutthelineswithanXActoknifeandfitthemovertheoriginal
lines.
Itriedtoremaininconspicuousinthenewsroom,butoneofthetypesetters,acrabbed,chainsmoking

womanwhoalwaysworeahairnet,tookadisliketome.ShethoughtIwasdirty.WhenIwalkedby,
she'dturntotheothertypesettersandsayloudly,"Y'allsmellsomethingfunny?"JustlikeLucyJoRose
haddonetoMom,shetooktosprayingdisinfectantandairfreshenerinmygeneraldirection.Thenshe
complainedtotheeditor,Mr.Muckenfuss,thatImighthaveheadliceandcouldinfecttheentirestaff.
Mr.MuckenfussconferredwithMissBivens,andshetoldmethataslongasIkeptclean,she'dfightfor
me.ThatwaswhenIstartedgoingbacktoGrandpaandUncleStanley'sapartmentforaweeklybath,
thoughwhenIwasthere,ImadesuretogiveUncleStanleyawideberth.
WheneverIwasattheDailyNews,Iwatchedtheeditorsandreportersatworkinthenewsroom.They
keptapolicescanneronallthetime,andwhenanaccidentorfireorcrimewascalledin,aneditor
wouldsendareportertofindoutwhathadhappened.He'dcomebackacoupleofhourslaterandtype
upastory,anditwouldappearinthenextday'spaper.Thisappealedtomemightily.Untilthen,whenI
thoughtofwriters,whatfirstcametomindwasMom,hunchedoverhertypewriter,clatteringawayon
hernovelsandplaysandphilosophiesoflifeandoccasionallyreceivingapersonalizedrejectionletter.
Butanewspaperreporter,insteadofholingupinisolation,wasintouchwiththerestoftheworld.
Whatthereporterwroteinfluencedwhatpeoplethoughtaboutandtalkedaboutthenextday;heknew
whatwasreallygoingon.IdecidedIwantedtobeoneofthepeoplewhoknewwhatwasreallygoing
on.
Whenmyworkwasdone,Ireadthestoriesonthewireservices.Becauseweneversubscribedto
newspapersormagazines,I'dneverknownwhatwasgoingonintheworld,exceptfortheskewed
versionofeventswegotfromMomandDadoneinwhicheverypoliticianwasacrook,everycop
wasathug,andeverycriminalhadbeenframed.IbegantofeellikeIwasgettingthewholestoryfor
thefirsttime,thatIwasbeinghandedthemissingpiecestothepuzzle,andtheworldwasmakinga
littlemoresense.
ATTIMESIFELTLIKEIwasfailingMaureen,likeIwasn'tkeepingmypromisethatI'dprotecther
thepromiseI'dmadetoherwhenIheldheronthewayhomefromthehospitalaftershe'dbeenborn.
Icouldn'tgetherwhatsheneededmosthotbaths,awarmbed,steamingbowlsofCreamofWheat
beforeschoolinthemorningbutItriedtodolittlethings.Whensheturnedseventhatyear,Itold
BrianandLorithatsheneededaspecialbirthdaycelebration.WeknewMomandDadwouldn'tgether
presents,sowesavedformonths,wenttotheDollarGeneralStore,andboughtheratoysetofkitchen
appliancesthatwereprettyrealistic:Theagitatorinthewashingmachinetwistedaround,andthe
refrigeratorhadmetalshelvesinside.Wefiguredwhenshewasplaying,shecouldatleastpretendto
havecleanclothesandregularmeals.
"TellmeagainaboutCalifornia,"Maureensaidaftersheopenedthepresents.Althoughshehadbeen
bornthere,shecouldn'trememberit.ShealwayslovedhearingourstoriesaboutlifeintheCalifornia
desert,sowetoldthemtoheragain,abouthowthesunshoneallthetimeanditwassowarmthatwe
ranaroundbarefooteveninthedeadofwinter,abouthowweatelettuceinthefarmfieldsandpicked
carloadsofgreengrapesandsleptonblanketsunderthestars.Wetoldherthatshewasblondbecause
she'dbeenborninastatewheresomuchgoldhadbeenmined,andshehadblueeyesthecolorofthe
oceanthatwashedontoCalifornia'sbeaches."That'swhereI'mgoingtolivewhenIgrowup,"Maureen
said.

AlthoughshelongedforCalifornia,themagicalplaceoflightandwarmth,sheseemedhappierthanthe
restofuskidsinWelch.Shewasastorybookbeautifulgirl,withlongblondhairandstartlingblue
eyes.Shespentsomuchtimewiththefamiliesofherfriendsthatsheoftendidn'tseemlikeamember
ofourfamily.AlotofherfriendswerePentecostalswhoseparentsheldthatMomandDadwere
disgracefullyirresponsibleandtookituponthemselvestosaveMaureen'ssoul.Theytookheruplikea
surrogatedaughterandbroughtherwiththemtorevivalmeetingsandtosnakehandlingservicesover
inJolo.
Undertheirinfluence,Maureendevelopedapowerfulreligiousstreak.Shegotbaptizedmorethanonce
andwasallthetimecominghomeproclaimingthatshe'dbeenbornagain.Oncesheinsistedthatthe
devilhadtakentheformofahoopsnakewithitstailinitsmouth,andhadrolledafterherdownthe
mountain,hissingthatitwouldclaimhersoul.BriantoldMomweneededtokeepMaureenawayfrom
thosenuttyPentecostals,butMomsaidweallcametoreligioninourindividualwaysandweeach
neededtorespectthereligiouspracticesofothers,seeingasitwasuptoeveryhumanbeingtofindhis
orherownwaytoheaven.
***
Momcouldbeaswiseasaphilosopher,buthermoodsweregettingonmynerves.Attimesshe'dbe
happyfordaysonend,announcingthatshehaddecidedtothinkonlypositivethoughts,becauseifyou
thinkpositivethoughts,thenpositivethingswillhappentoyou.Butthepositivethoughtswouldgive
waytonegativethoughts,andthenegativethoughtsseemedtoswoopintohermindthewayabigflock
ofblackcrowstakesoverthelandscape,sittingthickinthetreesandonthefencerailsandlawns,
staringatyouinominoussilence.Whenthathappened,Momwouldrefusetogetoutofbed,evenwhen
LucyJoshoweduptodrivehertoschool,honkingimpatiently.
Onemorningtowardtheendoftheschoolyear,Momhadacompletemeltdown.Shewassupposedto
writeupevaluationsofherstudents'progress,butshe'dspenteveryfreeminutepainting,andnowthe
deadlinewasonherandtheevaluationswereunwritten.Theremedialreadingprogramwasgoingto
loseitsfunding,andtheprincipalwouldbeeitherfuriousorjustplaindisgusted.Momcouldn'tbearto
facethewoman.LucyJo,who'dbeenwaitingforMomintheDart,droveoffwithouther,andMomlay
wrappedupinblanketsonthesofabed,sobbingabouthowmuchshehatedherlife.
Dadwasn'tthere,andneitherwasMaureen.Brian,typically,starteddoinganimpersonationofMom
carryingonandsobbing,butnoonewaslaughing,sohepickeduphisbooksandwalkedoutofthe
house.LorisatnexttoMomonthebed,tryingtoconsoleher.Ijuststoodinthedoorwaywithmyarms
crossed,staringather.
Itwashardformetobelievethatthiswomanwithherheadundertheblankets,feelingsorryforherself
andboohooinglikeafiveyearold,wasmymother.Momwasthirtyeight,notyoungbutnotold,
either.Intwentyfiveyears,Itoldmyself,I'dbeasoldasshewasnow.Ihadnoideawhatmylifewould
belikethen,butasIgatheredupmyschoolbooksandwalkedoutthedoor,Isworetomyselfthatit
wouldneverbelikeMom's,thatIwouldnotbecryingmyeyesoutinanunheatedshackinsome
godforsakenholler.
IwalkeddownLittleHobartStreet.Ithadrainedthenightbefore,andtheonlysoundwasthegurgleof
therunoffpouringdownthroughtheerodedgulliesonthehillside.Thinstreamsofmuddywater
flowedacrosstheroad,seepingintomyshoesandsoakingmysocks.Thesoleofmyrightshoehad

comelooseandflappedwitheachstep.
Loricaughtupwithme,andwewalkedforawhileinsilence."PoorMom,"Lorifinallysaid."She'sgot
ittough."
"Notougherthantherestofus,"Isaid.
"Yes,shedoes,"Lorisaid."She'stheonewho'smarriedtoDad."
"Thatwasherchoice,"Isaid."Sheneedstobefirmer,laydownthelawforDadinsteadofgetting
hystericalallthetime.WhatDadneedsisastrongwoman."
"Acaryatidwouldn'tbestrongenoughforDad."
"What'sthat?"
"Pillarsshapedlikewomen,"Lorisaid."TheonesholdingupthoseGreektempleswiththeirheads.I
waslookingatapictureofsometheotherday,thinking,Thosewomenhavethesecondtoughestjobin
theworld."
***
IdisagreedwithLori.IthoughtastrongwomanwouldbeabletomanageDad.Whatheneededwas
someonewhowasfocusedanddetermined,someonewhowouldsetultimatumsandsticktothem.I
figuredIwasstrongenoughtokeepDadinline.WhenMomtoldmeIwassofocuseditwasscary,I
knowshedidn'tmeanitasacompliment,butItookitthatway.
MychancetoprovethatDadcouldbemanagedcamethatsummer,onceschoolwasout.Momhadto
spendeightweeksupinCharleston,takingcollegecoursestorenewherteachingcertificate.Orsoshe
said.Iwonderedifshewaslookingforawaytogetawayfromusallforawhile.Lori,becauseofher
goodgradesandartportfolio,hadbeenacceptedintoagovernmentsponsoredsummercampfor
studentswithspecialaptitudes.Thatleftme,atthirteen,theheadofthehousehold.
BeforeMomleft,shegavemetwohundreddollars.Thatwasplenty,shesaid,tobuyfoodforBrianand
Maureenandmefortwomonthsandpaythewaterandelectricitybills.Ididthemath.Itcameoutto
twentyfivedollarsaweek,oralittleoverthreefiftyaday.Iworkedupabudgetandcalculatedthatwe
couldindeedsqueakbyifImadeextramoneybabysitting.
Forthefirstweek,everythingwentaccordingtoplan.IboughtfoodandmademealsforBrian,
Maureen,andme.Ithadbeenalmostayearsincethewelfaremanhadscaredusintocleaningthe
house,anditwasonceagainanunholymess.MomwouldhavehadafitifIhadthrownanythingout,
butIspenthoursstraighteningupandtryingtoorganizethehugestacksofjunk.
Dadusuallystayedoutatnightuntilwewereinbed,andhewouldstillbeasleepwhenwegotupand
leftinthemorning.ButoneafternoonaboutaweekafterMomhadgonetoCharleston,hecaughtme
aloneinthehouse.
"Hon,Ineedsomemoney,"hesaid.

"Forwhat?"
"Beerandcigarettes."
"I'vegotsortofatightbudget,Dad."
"Idon'tneedmuch.Justfivedollars."
Thatwastwodays'worthoffood.Ahalfgallonofmilk,aloafofbread,adozeneggs,twocansofjack
mackerel,asmallbagofapples,andsomepopcorn.AndDadwasn'tevendoingmethehonorof
pretendingheneededthemoneyforsomethinguseful.Healsodidn'targueorwheedleorcajoleor
ratchetthecharmwayup.Hesimplywaitedformetoforkoverthecash,asifheknewIdidn'thaveitin
metosayno.AndIdidn't.Itookoutmygreenplasticchangepurseandpulledoutacrumpledfiveand
passeditoverslowly.
"You'readoll,"Dadsaidandgavemeakiss.
Ipulledmyheadback.Givinghimthatmoneypissedmeoff.Iwasmadatmyselfbutevenmadderat
Dad.HeknewIhadasoftspotforhimthewaynooneelseinthefamilydid,andhewastaking
advantageofit.Ifeltused.Thegirlsatschoolalwaystalkedabouthowthisorthatguywasauserand
howsuchandsuchagirlgotused,andnowIunderstood,fromdeepinside,themeaningofthatword.
WhenDadaskedmeforanotherfivebucksafewdayslater,Igaveittohim.Itmademefeelsick
thinkingIwasnowtendollarsoffbudget.Inafewmoredays,heaskedfortwenty.
"Twentydollars?"Icouldn'tbelieveDadwaspushingmethisfar."Whytwenty?"
"Goddammit,sincewhendoIhavetoexplainmyselftomychildren?"Dadasked.Inthenextbreath,he
toldmethathehadborrowedafriend'scarandneededtobuygassohecoulddrivetoGaryfora
businessmeeting."Ineedmoneytomakemoney.I'llpayyouback."Helookedatme,defyingmeto
disbelievehim.
"I'vegotbillspilingup,"Isaid.Iheardmyvoicegrowingshrill,butIcouldn'tcontrolit."I'vegotkids
tofeed."
"Don'tyouworryaboutfoodandbills,"Dadsaid."That'sformetoworryabout.Okay?"
Iputmyhandinmypocket.Ididn'tknowifIwasreachingformymoneyortryingtoprotectit.
"HaveIeverletyoudown?"Dadasked.
I'dheardthatquestionatleasttwohundredtimes,andI'dalwaysanswereditthewayIknewhewanted
meto,becauseIthoughtitwasmyfaithinDadthathadkepthimgoingallthoseyears.Iwasaboutto
tellhimthetruthforthefirsttime,abouttolethimknowthathe'dletusalldownplenty,butthenI
stopped.Icouldn'tdoit.Dad,meanwhile,wassayinghewasnotaskingmeforthemoney;hewas

tellingmetogiveittohim.Heneededit.DidIthinkhewasaliarwhenhesaidhe'dgetitbacktome?
Igavehimthetwentydollars.
***
ThatSaturday,Dadtoldmethattopaymeback,hehadtoearnthemoneyfirst.Hewantedmeto
accompanyhimonabusinesstrip.HesaidIneededtowearsomethingnice.Hewentthroughmy
dresseshangingfromthepipeinthebedroomandpickedoutonewithblueflowersthatbuttonedup
thefront.Hehadborrowedacar,anoldpeagreenPlymouthwithabrokenpassengersidewindow,and
wedrovethroughthemountainstoanearbytown,stoppingataroadsidebar.
Theplacewasdarkandashazyasabattlefieldfromthecigarettesmoke.NeonsignsforPabstBlue
RibbonandOldMilwaukeeglowedonthewalls.Gauntmenwithcreasedcheeksandwomenwithdark
redlipsticksatalongthebar.Acoupleofguyswearingsteeltoedbootsplayedpool.
DadandItookseatsatthebar.DadorderedBudsforhimselfandme,eventhoughItoldhimIwanted
aSprite.Afterawhile,hegotuptoplaypool,andnosoonerhadhelefthisstoolthanamancameover
andsatonit.Hehadablackmustachethatcurvedaroundthesidesofhismouthandcoalgrimeunder
hisfingernails.Hepouredsaltinhisbeer,whichDadsaidsomeguysdidbecausetheylikedtomake
extrafoam.
"Name'sRobbie,"hesaid."Thatyourmanthere?"HegesturedtowardDad.
"I'mhisdaughter,"Isaid.
Hetookalickoffoamandstartedaskingmeaboutmyself,leaningincloseashetalked."Howoldare
you,girl?"
"Howolddoyouthink?"Iasked.
"Aboutseventeen."
Ismiled,puttingmyhandovermyteeth.
"Knowhowtodance?"heasked.Ishookmyhead."Sureyoudo,"hesaidandpulledmeoffthestool.I
lookedoveratDad,whogrinnedandwaved.
Onthejukebox,KittyWellswassingingaboutmarriedmenandhonkytonkangels.Robbieheldme
close,withhishandonthesmallofmyback.Wedancedtoasecondsong,andwhenwesatdownagain
onthestoolsfacingthepooltable,ourbacksagainstthebar,heslidhisarmbehindme.Thatarmmade
metensebutnotentirelyunhappy.NoonehadflirtedwithmesinceBillyDeel,unlessyoucounted
KennyHall.
Still,IknewwhatRobbiewasafter.IwasgoingtotellhimIwasn'tthatsortofgirl,butthenIthought
hewouldsayIwasgettingaheadofmyself.Afterall,theonlythinghe'ddonewasdancemeslowand
puthisarmaroundme.IcaughtDad'seye.Iexpectedhimtocomebarrelingacrosstheroomand
whockRobbiewithapoolcueforgettingfreshwithhisdaughter.Instead,heholleredtoRobbie,"Do

somethingworthwhilewiththosedamnedhandsofyours.Getoverhereandplaymeagameofpool."
Theyorderedwhiskeysandchalkedtheircues.DadheldbackatfirstandlostsomemoneytoRobbie,
thenstarteduppingthestakesandbeatinghim.Aftereverygame,Robbiewantedtodancewithme
again.Itwentonthatwayforacoupleofhours,withRobbiegettingsloppydrunk,losingtoDad,and
gropingmewhenwedancedorsatatthebarbetweengames.AllDadsaidtomewas."Keepyourlegs
crossed,honey,andkeep'emcrossedtight."
AfterDadhadtakenhimforabouteightybucks,Robbiestartedmutteringangrilytohimself.He
snappeddownthecuechalk,sendingupapuffofbluepowder,andmissedafinalshot.Heflunghis
cueonthetableandannouncedhe'dhadenough,thensatdownnexttome.Hiseyeswerebleary.He
keptsayinghecouldn'tbelievethatoldfarthadbeathimoutofeightybucks,asifhecouldn'tdecide
whetherhewaspissedofforimpressed.
Thenhetoldmehelivedinanapartmentoverthebar.HehadaRoyAcuffrecordthatwasn'tonthe
jukebox,andhewantedustogoupstairsandlistentoit.Ifallhewantedtodowasdancesomemore
andmaybekissalittle,Icouldhandlethat.ButIhadthefeelinghethoughthewasentitledto
somethinginreturnforlosingsomuchmoney.
"I'mnotsure,"Isaid.
"Aw,comeon,"hesaidandshoutedatDad,"I'mgoingtotakeyourgirlupstairs."
"Sure,"Dadsaid."Justdon'tdoanythingIwouldn'tdo."Hepointedhispoolcueatme."Hollerifyou
needme,"hesaidandwinkedatmeasiftosayheknewIcouldtakecareofmyself,thatthiswasjusta
partofmyjob.
So,withDad'sblessing,Iwentupstairs.Insidetheapartment,wepushedthroughacurtainmadefrom
strandsofbeercanpulltabslinkedtogether.Twomensatonacouchwatchingwrestlingontelevision.
Whentheysawme,theygrinnedwolfishlyatRobbie,whoputontheRoyAcuffrecordwithoutturning
downthetelevision.Hepressedmetohimandstarteddancingagain,butIknewthiswasnotgoingina
directionIwanted,andIresistedhim.Hishandsdroppeddown.Hesqueezedmybottom,pushedme
ontothebed,andbegankissingme."Allright!"onefriendsaid,andtheotheryelled."Getiton!"
"I'mnotthatkindofgirl,"Isaid,butheignoredme.WhenItriedrollingaway,hepinnedbackmy
arms.DadhadsaidtohollerifIneededhim,butIdidn'twanttoscream.IwassoangryatDadthatI
couldn'tbeartheideaofhimrescuingme.Robbie,meanwhile,wassayingsomethingaboutmebeing
toobonytoscrew.
"Yeah,mostguysdon'tlikeme,"Isaid."Besidesbeingskinny,Igotthesescars."
"Oh,sure,"hesaid.Buthepaused.
Irolledoffthebed,quicklyunbuttonedmydressatthewaist,andpulleditopentoshowhimthescar
onmyrightside.Forallheknew,myentiretorsowasonegiantmassofscartissue.Robbielooked
uncertainlyathisfriends.Itwaslikeseeingagapinafence.

"IthinkIhearDadcalling,"Isaid,thenmadeforthedoor.
***
Inthecar,Dadtookoutthemoneyhe'dwonandcountedofffortydollars,whichhepassedtome.
"Wemakeagoodteam,"hesaid.
Ifeltlikethrowingthemoneyathim,butwekidsneededit,soIputthebillsinmypurse.Wehadn't
scammedRobbie,butwe'dworkedhiminawaythatfeltdownrightsleazy,andI'dendedupinatight
spot.IfRobbiehadbeensetupbyDad,sohadI.
"Youupsetaboutsomething,MountainGoat?"
ForamomentIconsiderednottellingDad.Iwasafraidthere'dbebloodshed,sincehewasalways
goingonabouthowhe'dkillanyonewholaidafingeronme.ThenIdecidedIwantedtoseetheguy
pummeled."Dad,thatcreepattackedmewhenwewereupstairs."
"I'msurehejustpawedyousome,"Dadsaidaswepulledoutoftheparkinglot."Iknewyoucould
handleyourself."
TheroadbacktoWelchwasdarkandempty.Thewindwhistledthroughthebrokenwindowonmyside
ofthePlymouth.Dadlitacigarette."ItwaslikethattimeIthrewyouintothesulfurspringtoteachyou
toswim,"hesaid."Youmighthavebeenconvincedyouweregoingtodrown,butIknewyou'ddojust
fine."
THENEXTEVENINGDaddisappeared.Afteracoupleofdays,hewantedmetogooutwithhim
againtosomebar,butIsaidno.DadgottickedoffandsaidthatifIwasn'tgoingtoteamupwithhim,
theleastIcoulddowasstakehimsomepoolshootingmoney.Ifoundmyselfforkingoveratwenty,and
thenanotherinafewdays.
MomhadtoldmetoexpectacheckinearlyJulyfortheleaseonherTexasland.Shealsowarnedme
thatDadwouldtrytogethishandsonit.Dadactuallywaitedatthefootofthehillforthemailmanand
tookitfromhimonthedayitarrived,butwhenthemailmantoldmewhathadhappened,Irandown
LittleHobartStreetandcaughtDadbeforehegotintotown.ItoldhimMomhadwantedmetohidethe
checkuntilshereturned."Let'shideittogether,"Dadsaidandsuggestedwestashitinthe1933World
BookEncyclopediaMomgotfreefromthelibraryunder."currency."
ThenextdaywhenIwenttorehidethecheck,itwasgone.Dadsworehehadnoideawhathappenedto
it.Iknewhewaslying,butIalsoknewifIaccusedhim,he'ddenyitandthere'dbealoudyelling
matchthatwouldn'tdomeanygood.Forthefirsttime,IhadaclearideaofwhatMomwasupagainst.
BeingastrongwomanwasharderthanIhadthought.MomstillhadmorethanamonthinCharleston;
wewereabouttorunoutofgrocerymoney;andmybabysittingincomewasn'tmakingupthe
difference.
IhadseenahelpwantedsigninthewindowofajewelrystoreonMcDowellStreetcalledBecker's

JewelBox.Iputonalotofmakeup,mybestdressitwaspurple,withtinywhitedotsandasashthat
tiedinthebackandapairofMom'shighheels,sinceweworethesamesize.ThenIwalkedaround
themountaintoapplyforthejob.
Ipushedopenthedoor,janglingthebellshangingoverhead.Becker'sJewelBoxwasafancystore,the
kindofplaceIneverhadoccasiontogointo,withahummingairconditionerandbuzzingfluorescent
lights.Lockedglassdisplaycasesheldringsandnecklacesandbrooches,andafewguitarsandbanjos
hungonthepineboardpaneledwallstodiversifythemerchandise.Mr.Beckerwasleaningonthe
counterwithhisfingersinterlocked.Hehadastomachsobigthathisthinblackbeltremindedmeof
theequatorcirclingtheglobe.
IwasafraidthatMr.Beckerwouldn'tgivemethejobifheknewIwasonlythirteen,soItoldhimIwas
seventeen.Hehiredmeonthespotforfortydollarsaweek,incash.Iwasthrilled.Itwasmyfirstreal
job.Babysittingandtutoringanddoingotherkids'homeworkandmowinglawnsandredeemingbottles
andsellingscrapmetaldidn'tcount.Fortydollarsaweekwasseriousmoney.
***
Ilikedthework.Peoplebuyingjewelrywerealwayshappy,andeventhoughWelchwasapoortown,
Becker'sJewelBoxhadplentyofcustomers:olderminersbuyingtheirwivesamother'spin,abrooch
withabirthstoneforeachofherchildren;teenagecouplesshoppingforengagementrings,thegirl
gigglingwithexcitement,theboyactingproudandmanly.
Duringtheslowspells,Mr.BeckerandIwatchedtheWatergatehearingsonalittleblackandwhite
TV.Mr.BeckerwascaptivatedbyJohnDean'swife,Maureen,whosatbehindherhusbandwhenhe
wastestifyingandworeelegantclothesandpulledherblondhairbackinatightbun."Hotdamn,that's
oneclassybroad,"Mr.Beckerwouldsay.Sometimes,afterwatchingMaureenDean,Mr.Beckergotso
randythathecamebehindmewhileIwascleaningthedisplaycaseandrubbedupagainstmy
backside.I'dpullhishandsoffandwalkawaywithoutsayingaword,andthathorndogwouldreturnto
thetelevisionasifnothinghadhappened.
WhenMr.BeckerwentacrossthestreettotheMountaineerDinerforlunch,healwaystookthekeyto
thedisplaycasethatheldthediamondrings.Ifcustomerscameinwantingtolookattherings,Ihadto
runacrossthestreettogethim.Onceheforgottotakethekey,andwhenhereturned,hemadeabig
pointofcountingtheringsinfrontofme.Itwashiswayoflettingmeknowhedidn'ttrustmeinthe
slightest.OnedayafterMr.Beckerhadcomebackfromlunchandostentatiouslycheckedthedisplay
cases,IwassofuriousthatIlookedaroundtoseeiftherewasanythingintheentiredarnstoreworth
stealing.Necklaces,brooches,banjosnoneofthemdidanythingforme.Andthenthewatchdisplay
caughtmyeye.
Ihadalwayswantedawatch.Unlikediamonds,watcheswerepractical.Theywereforpeopleonthe
run,peoplewithappointmentstokeepandschedulestomeet.ThatwasthekindofpersonIwantedto
be.Dozensofwatchestickedawayinthecounterbehindthecashregister.Therewasoneinparticular
thatmademeache.Ithadfourdifferentcoloredbandsblack,brown,blue,andwhitesoyoucould
changeyourwatchbandtomatchyouroutfit.Ithadapricetagof$29.95,tendollarsshortofaweek's
salary.ButifIwanted,itcouldbemineinaninstant,andforfree.ThemoreIthoughtaboutthatwatch,
themoreitcalledtome.

OnedaythewomanwhoworkedatthestoreMr.BeckerownedinWarstoppedby.Mr.Beckerwanted
hertogivemesomebeautytips.Whileshewasshowingmeherdifferentmakeupapplicators,the
woman,whohadstiffplatinumhairandeyelashestarredinmascara,toldmeImustbeearninga
truckloadincommissions.WhenIaskedherwhatshemeant,shesaidthatinadditiontoherforty
dollaraweeksalary,shemade10percentoneverysale.Hercommissionsweresometimesdoubleher
salary."Hell,welfare'llgetyoumorethanfortybucksaweek,"shesaid."Ifyou'renotgetting
commissions,Becker'sstiffingyou."
WhenIaskedMr.Beckeraboutcommissions,hesaidtheywereforsalespeopleandIwasjustan
assistant.Thenextday,whenMr.BeckerwentofftotheMountaineer,Iopenedthedisplaycaseand
tookoutthefourbandwatch.Islippeditintomyhandbagandrearrangedtheremainingwatchesto
coverthegap.IhadmadeplentyofsalesonmyownwhenMr.Beckerwasbusy.Sincehehadn'tpaid
meanycommissions,IwasonlytakingwhatIwasowed.
WhenMr.Beckercamebackfromlunch,hestudiedthediamondringdisplaylikehealwaysdid,buthe
didn'tevenglanceatthewatches.Walkinghomethateveningwiththewatchhiddeninmypurse,Ifelt
lightandgiddy.Afterdinner,Iclimbedintomybunkbed,wherenoonecouldseeme,andtriedonthe
watchwitheachofthebands,gesturingthewayIfiguredrichpeopledid.
Wearingthewatchtoworkwasoutofthequestion,ofcourse.IalsorealizedthatIcouldrunintoMr.
Beckerintownatanytime,soIdecidedthatuntilschoolstarted,I'dputthewatchononlyathome.
ThenIbegantowonderhowI'dexplainthewatchtoBrianandLoriandMomandDad.Ialsoworried
thatMr.Beckermightseesomethingthieflikeinmyexpression.Soonerorlater,he'ddiscoverthe
missingwatchandwouldquestionme,andI'dhavetolieconvincingly,whichIwasn'tverygoodat.IfI
wasn'tconvincing,I'dbesentofftoareformschoolwithpeoplelikeBillyDeel,andMr.Beckerwould
havethesatisfactionofknowinghe'dbeenrightallalongnottotrustme.
Iwasn'tabouttogivehimthatsatisfaction.ThenextmorningItookthewatchoutofthewoodenbox
whereIkeptmygeode,putitinmypurse,andbroughtitbacktothestore.AllmorningInervously
waitedforMr.Beckertoleaveforlunch.Whenhewasfinallygone,Iopenedthedisplaycase,slipped
thewatchinside,andrearrangedtheotherwatchesaroundit.Imovedfast.Theweekbefore,Ihad
stolenthewatchwithoutbreakingasweat.ButnowIwasterrifiedthatsomeonewouldcatchme
puttingitback.
INLATEAUGUST,IwaswashingclothesinthetinpaninthelivingroomwhenIheardsomeone
comingupthestairssinging.ItwasLori.Sheburstintothelivingroom,duffelbagoverhershoulder,
laughingandbeltingoutoneofthosegoofysummercampsongskidssingatnightaroundthefire.I'd
neverheardLoricutlooselikethisbefore.Shepositivelyglowedasshetoldmeaboutthehotmeals
andthehotshowersandallthefriendsshe'dmade.She'devenhadaboyfriendwhokissedher.
"EveryoneassumedIwasanormalperson,"shesaid."Itwasweird."Thenshetoldmethatithad
occurredtoherthatifshegotoutofWelch,andawayfromthefamily,shemighthaveashotatahappy
life.Fromthenon,shebeganlookingforwardtothedayshe'dleaveLittleHobartStreetandbeonher
own.
Afewdayslater,Momcamehome.Sheseemeddifferent,too.Shehadlivedinadormonthe

universitycampus,withoutfourkidstotakecareof,andshehadlovedit.She'dattendedlecturesand
she'dpainted.She'dreadstacksofselfhelpbooks,andtheyhadmadeherrealizethatshe'dbeenliving
herlifeforotherpeople.Sheintendedtoquitherteachingjobanddevoteherselftoherart."It'stimeI
didsomethingformyself,"shesaid."It'stimeIstartedlivingmylifeforme."
"Mom,youspentthewholesummerrenewingyourcertificate."
"IfIhadn'tdonethat,Ineverwouldhavehadthisbreakthrough."
"Youcan'tquityourjob,"Isaid."Weneedthemoney."
"WhydoIalwayshavetobetheonewhoearnsthemoney?"Momasked."Youhaveajob.Youcan
earnmoney.Loricanearnmoney,too.I'vegotmoreimportantthingstodo."
***
IthoughtMomwashavinganothertantrum.Iassumedthatcomeopeningday,she'dbeoffinLucyJo's
DarttoDavyElementary,evenifwehadtocajoleher.Butonthatfirstdayofschool,Momrefusedto
getoutofbed.Lori,Brian,andIpulledbackthecoversandtriedtodragherout,butshewouldn't
budge.
Itoldhershehadresponsibilities.Itoldherchildwelfaremightcomedownonusagainifshewasn't
working.Shefoldedherarmsacrossherchestandstaredusdown."I'mnotgoingtoschool,"shesaid.
"Whynot?"Iasked.
"I'msick."
"What'swrong?"Iasked.
"Mymucusisyellow,"Momsaid.
"Ifeveryonewhohadyellowmucusstayedhome,theschoolswouldbeprettyempty,"Itoldher.
Mom'sheadsnappedup."Youcan'ttalktomelikethat,"shesaid."I'myourmother."
"Ifyouwanttobetreatedlikeamother,"Isaid,"youshouldactlikeone."
Momrarelygotangry.Shewasusuallyeithersingingorcrying,butnowherfacetwistedupwithfury.
WebothknewIhadcrossedaline,butIdidn'tcare.I'dalsochangedoverthesummer.
"Howdareyou?"sheshouted."You'reintroublenowbigtrouble.I'mtellingyourdad.Justyouwait
untilhecomeshome."
***
Mom'sthreatdidn'tworryme.ThewayIsawit,Dadowedme.I'dlookedafterhiskidsallsummer,I'd
kepthiminbeerandcigarettemoney,andI'dhelpedhimfleecethatminerRobbie.IfiguredIhadDad
inmybackpocket.

WhenIgothomefromschoolthatafternoon,Momwasstillcurleduponthesofabed,asmallpileof
paperbacksnexttoher.Dadwassittingatthedraftingtable,rollingacigarette.Hebeckonedtometo
followhimintothekitchen.Momwatchedusgo.
Dadclosedthedoorandlookedatmegravely."Yourmotherclaimsyoubacktalkedher."
"Yes,"Isaid."It'strue."
"Yes,sir,"hecorrectedme,butIdidn'tsayanything.
"I'mdisappointedinyou,"hewenton."Youknowdamngoodandwellthatyouaretorespectyour
parents."
"Dad,Mom'snotsick,she'splayinghooky,"Isaid."Shehastotakeherobligationsmoreseriously.She
hastogrowupalittle."
"Whodoyouthinkyouare?"heasked."She'syourmother."
"Thenwhydoesn'tsheactlikeone?"IlookedatDadforwhatfeltlikeaverylongmoment.ThenI
blurtedout."Andwhydon'tyouactlikeadad?"
Icouldseethebloodsurgeintohisface.Hegrabbedmebythearm."Youapologizeforthatcomment!"
"Orwhat?"Iasked.
Dadshovedmeupagainstthewall."OrbyGodI'llshowyouwho'sbossaroundhere."
Hisfacewasinchesfrommine."Whatareyougoingtodotopunishme?"Iasked."Stoptakingmeto
bars?"
Daddrewbackhishandasiftosmackme."Youwatchyourmouth,younglady.Icanstillwhipyour
butt,anddon'tthinkIwon't."
"Youcan'tbeserious,"Isaid.
Daddroppedhishand.Hepulledhisbeltoutoftheloopsonhisworkpantsandwrappeditacoupleof
timesaroundhisknuckles.
"Apologizetomeandtoyourmother,"hesaid.
"No."
Dadraisedthebelt."Apologize."
"No."

"Thenbendover."
Dadwasstandingbetweenmeandthedoor.Therewasnowayoutexceptthroughhim.Butitnever
occurredtometoeitherrunorfight.ThewayIsawit,hewasinatighterspotthanIwas.Hehadto
backdown,becauseifhesidedwithMomandgavemeawhipping,hewouldlosemeforever.
Westaredateachother.Dadseemedtobewaitingformetodropmyeyes,toapologizeandtellhimI
waswrongsowecouldgobacktobeinglikewewere,butIkeptholdinghisgaze.Finally,tocallhis
bluff,Iturnedaround,bentoverslightly,andrestedmyhandsonmyknees.
Iexpectedhimtoturnandwalkaway,butthereweresixstingingblowsonthebacksofmythighs,each
accompaniedbyawhistleofair.IcouldfeeltheweltsrisingevenbeforeIstraightenedup.
***
IwalkedoutofthekitchenwithoutlookingatDad.Momwasoutsidethedoor.She'dbeenstanding
there,listeningtoeverything.Ididn'tlookather,butIcouldseefromthecornerofmyeyeher
triumphantexpression.IbitmylipsoIwouldn'tcry.
AssoonasIgotoutside,Iranupintothewoods,pushingtreebranchesandwildgrapevinesoutofmy
face.IthoughtI'dstartcryingnowthatIwasawayfromthehouse,butinstead,Ithrewup.Iatesome
wildminttogetridofthetasteofbile,andIwalkedforwhatfeltlikehoursthroughthesilenthills.The
airwasclearandcool,andtheforestfloorwasthickwithleavesthathadfallenfromthebuckeyesand
poplars.Lateintheafternoon,Isatdownonatreetrunk,leaningforwardbecausethebacksofmy
thighsstillstung.Allthroughthelongwalk,thepainhadkeptmethinking,andbythetimeIreached
thetreetrunk,Ihadmadetwodecisions.
ThefirstwasthatI'dhadmylastwhipping.Noonewasevergoingtodothattomeagain.Thesecond
wasthat,likeLori,IwasgoingtogetoutofWelch.Thesooner,thebetter.BeforeIfinishedhigh
school,ifIcould.IhadnoideawhereIwouldgo,butIdidknowIwasgoing.Ialsoknewitwouldnot
beeasy.PeoplegotstuckinWelch.IhadbeencountingonMomandDadtogetusout,butInowknew
Ihadtodoitonmyown.Itwouldtakesavingandplanning.IdecidedthenextdayI'dgotoG.C.
MurphyandbuyapinkplasticpiggybankI'dseenthere.I'dputintheseventyfivedollarsIhad
managedtosavewhileworkingatBecker'sJewelBox.Itwouldbethebeginningofmyescapefund.
THATFALL,TWOGUYSshowedupinWelchwhoweredifferentfromanyoneI'devermet.They
werefilmmakersfromNewYorkCity,andthey'dbeensenttoWelchaspartofagovernmentprogram
tobringculturaluplifttoruralAppalachia.TheirnameswereKenFinkandBobGross.
Atfirst,Ithoughttheywerejoking.KenFinkandBobGross?AsfarasIwasconcerned,theymightas
wellhavesaidtheirnameswereKenStupidandBobUgly.ButKenandBobweren'tjoking.They
didn'tthinktheirnameswerefunnyatall,andtheydidn'tsmilewhenIaskediftheywereputtingme
on.
KenandBobbothtalkedsofasttheirconversationfilledwithreferencestopeopleI'dneverheardof,
likeStanleyKubrickandWoodyAllenthatitwassometimeshardtofollowthem.Althoughtheyhad

nosenseofhumorabouttheirnames,KenandBobdidliketojokealot.Itwasn'tthesortofWelch
HighhumorIwasusedtoPolackjokesandguyscuppingtheirhandundertheirarmpittomakefart
noises.KenandBobhadthissmart,competitivewayofjokingwhereonewouldmakeawisecrackand
theotherwouldhaveacomebackandthefirstwouldhavearetorttothecomeback.Theycouldkeepit
upuntilmyheadspun.
OneweekendKenandBobshowedaSwedishfilmintheschoolauditorium.Itwasshotinblackand
white,andhadsubtitlesandaplotheavyonsymbolism,sofewerthanadozenpeoplecame,even
thoughitwasfree.Afterward,LorishowedKenandBobsomeofherillustrations.Theytoldhershe
hadtalentandsaidifshewasseriousaboutbecominganartist,sheneededtogotoNewYorkCity.It
wasaplaceofenergyandcreativityandintellectualstimulationthelikesofwhichwe'dneverseen.It
wasfilledwithpeoplewho,becausetheyweresuchuniqueindividuals,didn'tfitinanywhereelse.
ThatnightLoriandIlayinourropebedsanddiscussedNewYorkCity.ThethingsIhadheardalways
madeitsoundlikeabig,noisyplacewithalotofpollutionandmobsofpeopleinsuitselbowingone
anotheronthesidewalks.ButLoribegantoseeNewYorkasasortofEmeraldCitythisglowing,
bustlingplaceattheendofalongroadwhereshecouldbecomethepersonshewasmeanttobe.
WhatLorilikedmostaboutKenandBob'sdescriptionwasthatthecityattractedpeoplewhowere
different.LoriwasaboutasdifferentasitwaspossibletobeinWelch.Whilealmostalltheotherkids
worejeans,Conversesneakers,andTshirts,sheshowedupatschoolinarmyboots,awhitedresswith
redpolkadots,andajeanjacketwithdarkpoetryshe'dpaintedontheback.Theotherkidsthrewbars
ofsoapather,pushedoneanotherintoherpath,andwrotegraffitiaboutheronthebathroomwalls.In
return,shecursedthemoutinLatin.
Athomeshereadandpaintedlateintothenight,bycandlelightorkerosenelampiftheelectricitywas
turnedoff.ShelikedGothicdetails:misthangingoverasilentlake,gnarledrootsheavingupfromthe
earth,asolitarycrowinthebranchesofabaretreeontheshoreline.IthoughtLoriwasamazing,andI
hadnodoubtshewouldbecomeasuccessfulartist,butonlyifshecouldgettoNewYork.IdecidedI
wantedtogothere,too,andthatwinterwecameupwithaplan.LoriwouldleavebyherselfforNew
YorkinJune,aftershegraduated.She'dsettlein,findaplaceforus,andI'dfollowherassoonasI
could.
ItoldLoriaboutmyescapefund,theseventyfivedollarsI'dsaved.Fromnowon,Isaid,itwouldbe
ourjointfund.We'dtakeonextraworkafterschoolandputeverythingweearnedintothepiggybank.
LoricouldtakeittoNewYorkanduseittogetestablished,sothatbythetimeIarrived,everything
wouldbeset.
Lorihadalwaysmadeverygoodposters,forfootballrallies,fortheplaysthedramaclubputon,andfor
candidatesrunningforstudentcouncil.Nowshestarteddoingcommissionedpostersforadollarfifty
apiece.Shewastooshytosolicitorders,soIdiditforher.LotsofkidsatWelchHighwanted
customizedposterstohangontheirbedroomwallsoftheirboyfriend'sorgirlfriend'sname,oftheir
carortheirastrologicalsignortheirfavoriteband.Loridesignedthenamesinbigfatoverlapping
threedimensionalletterslikethekindonrockalbums,thenpaintedtheminDayGlocolors,outlinedin
indiainksotheletterspopped,andsurroundedthemwithstarsanddotsandsquigglylinesthatmade
thelettersseemliketheyweremoving.Thepostersweresogoodthatwordofmouthspread,andsoon

Lorihadsuchabacklogofordersthatshewasupworkinguntiloneortwoeverymorning.
Imademoneybabysittinganddoingotherkids'homework.Ididbookreports,scienceessays,and
math.IchargedadollarperassignmentandguaranteedatleastanAorthecustomerwasentitledtoa
fullrefund.Afterschool,Ibabysatforadollaranhourandcouldusuallydothehomeworkthen.Ialso
tutoredkidsfortwodollarsanhour.
WetoldBrianabouttheescapefund,andhepitchedin,eventhoughwehadn'tincludedhiminour
plansbecausehewasonlyintheseventhgrade.Hemowedlawnsorchoppedwoodorcuthillside
weedswithascythe.HeworkedafterschooluntilthesunwentdownandalldaySaturdayandSunday
andcamehomewithhisarmsandfacescratchedfromthebrushhe'dcleared.Withoutlookingfor
thanksorpraise,hequietlyaddedhisearningstothepig,whichwenamedOz.
WekeptOzontheoldsewingmachineinthebedroom.Ozhadnopluggedholeonthebottom,andthe
slotonthetopwastoonarrowtoworkbillsout,evenifyouusedaknife,soonceyou'dputmoneyinto
Oz,itstayedthere.Wetestedittomakesure.Wecouldn'tcountthemoney,butbecauseOzwas
translucent,wecouldseeourcashaccumulatinginsidewhenweheldhimuptothelight.
***
Onedaythatwinter,whenIcamehomefromschool,agoldCadillacCoupeDeVillewasparkedin
frontofthehouse.Iwonderedifthewelfareagencyhadfoundsomemillionairestobeourfoster
parentsandtheyhadarrivedtotakeusaway,butDadwasinsidethehouse,twirlingasetofkeysonhis
finger.HeexplainedthattheCadillacwasthenewofficialWallsfamilyvehicle.Momwascarryingon
abouthowitwasonethingtoliveinathreeroomshackwithnoelectricity,sincetherewasacertain
dignityinpoverty,buttoliveinathreeroomshackandownagoldCadillacmeantyouwerebonafide
poorwhitetrash.
"How'dyougetit?"IaskedDad.
"Onehelluvagoodpokerhand,"hesaid."andanevenbetterbluff."
We'downedacoupleofcarssincewe'dbeeninWelch,buttheyweretruebucketsofbolts,with
shudderingenginesandcrackedwindshields,andaswedrovealong,wecouldseetheblurofthe
asphaltthroughtherustedoutfloorpanels.Thosecarsneverlastedmorethanacoupleofmonths,and
liketheOldsmobilewe'ddrivenfromPhoenix,wenevernamedthem,muchlessgotthemregistered
andinspected.TheCoupeDeVilleactuallyhadanunexpiredinspectionsticker.Itwassuchabeauty
thatDaddeclaredthetimehadcometorevivethetraditionofnamingourcars."ThatthereCaddy,"he
said."strikesmeasElvis."
ItcrossedmymindthatDadoughttosellElvisandusethemoneytoinstallanindoortoiletandbuyus
allnewclothes.TheblackleathershoesIhadboughtforfiftycentsattheDollarGeneralStorewere
heldtogetherwithsafetypins,whichI'dtriedtoblackenwithaMagicMarkersoyouwouldn'tnotice
them.I'dalsousedMagicMarkerstomakecoloredblotchesonmylegsthatIhopedwouldcamouflage
theholesinmypants.IfiguredthatwaslessnoticeablethanifIsewedonpatches.Ihadonebluepair
andonegreenpair,somylegs,whenItookmypantsoff,werecoveredwithblueandgreenspots.
ButDadlovedElvistoodearlytoconsidersellingit.Andthetruthwas,IlovedElvisalmostasmuch.

Elviswasaslongandsleekasaracingyacht.Ithadairconditioning,goldshagupholstery,windows
thatwentupanddownwiththepushofabutton,andaworkingturnsignal,soDaddidn'thavetostick
hisarmout.EverytimewedrovethroughtowninElvis,I'dnodgraciouslyandsmileatthepeopleon
thesidewalk,feelinglikeanheiress."You'vegottruenoblesseoblige,MountainGoat,"Dadwouldsay.
MomgrewtoloveElvis,too.Shehadn'tgonebacktoteachingandinsteadspenthertimepainting,and
ontheweekendswebegantodrivetocraftfairsallthroughoutWestVirginia:showswherebearded
meninoverallsplayeddulcimersandwomeningrannydressessoldcorncobbackscratchersandcoal
sculpturesofblackbearsandminers.WefilledElvis'strunkwithMom'spaintingsandtriedtosell
thematthefairs.Momalsodrewpastelportraitsonthespotforanyonewillingtopayeighteendollars,
andeverynowandthenshegotacommission.
WeallsleptinElvisonthosetrips,becausealotoftimeswemadeonlyenoughtopayforthegas,or
noteventhat.Still,itfeltgoodtobeonthemoveagain.OurtripsinElvisremindedmehoweasyitwas
topickupandmoveonwhentheurgestruck.Onceyou'dresolvedtogo,therewasnothingtoitatall.
ASSPRINGAPPROACHEDandthedayofLori'sgraduationdrewcloser,Ilayawakeatnight,
thinkingaboutherlifeinNewYorkCity."Inexactlythreemonths,"Isaidtoher,"you'llbelivingin
NewYork."Thefollowingweek,Isaid."Inexactlytwomonthsandthreeweeks,you'llbelivingin
NewYork."
"Wouldyoupleaseshutup,"shesaid.
"You'renotnervous,areyou?"Iasked.
"Whatdoyouthink?"
Loriwasterrified.ShewasnotsurewhatshewassupposedtodoonceshegottoNewYork.Thathad
alwaysbeenthevaguestpartofourescapeplan.Backinthefall,I'dhadnodoubtthatshecouldgeta
scholarshiptooneofthecity'suniversities.She'dbeenafinalistforaNationalMeritScholarship,but
she'dhadtohitchhikeintoBluefieldtotakethetest,andshegotrattledwhenthetruckerwhopicked
herupputthemovesonher;shearrivednearlyanhourlateandbotchedthetest.
Mom,whosupportedLori'sNewYorkplansandkeptsayingshewishedsheweregoingtothebigcity
herself,suggestedthatLoriapplytotheCooperUnionartschool.Loriputtogetheraportfolioofher
drawingsandpaintings,butjustbeforethesubmissionsdeadline,shespilledapotofcoffeeonthem,
whichmadeMomwonderaloudifLorihadafearofsuccess.
ThenLoriheardaboutascholarshipsponsoredbyaliterarysocietyforthestudentwhocreatedthebest
workofartinspiredbyoneofthegeniusesoftheEnglishlanguage.Shedecidedtomakeaclaybustof
Shakespeare.Sheworkedonitforaweek,usingasharpenedPopsiclesticktoshapetheslightly
bulgingeyesandthegoateeandearringandlongishhair.Whenitwasfinished,itlookedexactlylike
Shakespeare.
ThatnightwewereallsittingatthedraftingtablewatchingLoriputthefinaltouchesonShakespeare's

hairwhenDadcamehomedrunk."ThatdoesindeedresembleoldBilly,"Dadsaid."Onlythingis,asI
beentellingyou,hewasagoddamnfake."
Foryears,everytimeMombroughtoutShakespeare'splays,Dadwouldcarryonabouthowthey'dbeen
writtennotbyWilliamShakespeareofAvonbutbyabunchofpeople,includingsomeonenamedthe
EarlofOxford,becausenosinglepersoninElizabethanEnglandcouldhavehadShakespeare'sthirty
thousandwordvocabulary.AllthisbunkaboutlittleBillyShakespeare,Dadwouldsay,thegreatgenius
despitehisgrammarschooleducation,hissmallLatinandlessGreek,wasalotofsentimental
mythology.
"You'rehelpingperpetuatethisfraud,"hetoldLori.
"Dad,it'sjustabust,"Lorisaid.
"That'stheproblem,"Dadsaid.
Hestudiedthesculpture,thensuddenlyreachedoverandsmearedoffShakespeare'smouthwithhis
thumb.
"Whatthehellareyoudoing?"Loricriedout.
"It'snolongerjustabust,"Dadsaid."Nowithassymbolicvalue.YoucancallitMuteBard."
"Ispentdaysonthat,"Lorishouted."Andyou'veruinedit!"
"Ielevatedit,"Dadsaid.HetoldLorihewouldhelpherwriteapaperthatwoulddemonstratethat
Shakespeare'splayshadmultipleauthors,likeRembrandt'spaintings."ByGod,you'llsettheliterary
worldonedge,"hesaid.
"Idon'twanttosettheworldonedge!"Loriscreamed."Ijustwanttowinastupidlittlescholarship!"
"Goddammit,you'reinahorserace,butyou'rethinkinglikeasheep,"Dadsaid."Sheepdon'twinhorse
races."
***
Lorididn'thavethespirittoreworkthebust.Thenextdayshesmushedtheclayintoabigglobandleft
itonthedraftingtable.ItoldLorithatifshehadn'tbeenacceptedintoanartschoolbythetimeshe
graduated,sheshouldgotoNewYorkanyway.Shecouldsupportherselfwiththemoneywe'dsavedup
untilshefoundajob,andthenshecouldapplytoaschool.Thatbecameournewplan.
EveryonewasmadatDad,whichgavehimacaseofthesulks.Hesaidhedidn'tknowwhyheeven
botheredtocomehomeanymore,sincehenolongergottheslightestbitofappreciationforhisideas.
Heinsistedhewasn'ttryingtokeepLorifromleavingforNewYork,butifshehadthesensethatGod
gaveagoose,shewouldstayput."NewYorkisasorryasssinkhole,"hesaidmorethanonce."filled
withfaggotsandrapists."She'dgetmuggedandfindherselfonthestreets,hewarned,forcedinto
prostitutionandwindingupadrugaddictlikeallthoserunawayteenagers."I'monlytellingyouthis
becauseIloveyou,"hesaid."AndIdon'twanttoseeyouhurt."

OneeveninginMay,whenwe'dbeensavingourmoneyforalmostninemonths,Icamehomewitha
coupleofdollarsI'dmadebabysittingandwentintothebedroomtostashtheminOz.Thepigwasnot
ontheoldsewingmachine.IbeganlookingthroughallthejunkinthebedroomandfinallyfoundOz
onthefloor.Someonehadslashedhimapartwithaknifeandstolenallthemoney.
IknewitwasDad,butatthesametime,Icouldn'tbelievehe'dstoopthislow.Loriobviouslydidn't
knowyet.Shewasinthelivingroomhummingawayassheworkedonaposter.Myfirstimpulsewas
tohideOz.IhadthiswildthoughtthatIcouldsomehowreplacethemoneybeforeLoridiscoveredit
wasmissing.ButIknewhowridiculousthatwas;threeofushadspentthebetterpartofayear
accumulatingthemoney.ItwouldbeimpossibleformetoreplaceitinthemonthbeforeLori
graduated.
Iwentintothelivingroomandstoodbesideher,tryingtothinkofwhattosay.Shewasworkingona
posterthatsaidTAMMY!inDayGlocolors.Afteramoment,shelookedup."What?"shesaid.
Loricouldtellbymyfacethatsomethingwaswrong.Shestoodupsoabruptlysheknockedovera
bottleofindiaink,andranintothebedroom.Ibracedmyself,expectingtohearascream,buttherewas
onlysilenceandthenasmall,brokenwhimpering.
***
LoristayedupallnighttoconfrontDad,buthedidn'tcomehome.Sheskippedschoolthefollowing
dayincasehereturned,butDadwasAWOLforthreedaysbeforeweheardhimclimbingtherickety
staircasetotheporch.
"Youbastard!"Lorishouted."Youstoleourmoney!"
"Whatthegoddamnhellareyoutalkingabout?"Dadasked."Andwatchyourlanguage."Heleaned
againstthedoorandlitacigarette.
LorihelduptheslashedpigandthrewitashardasshecouldatDad,butitwasemptyandnearly
weightless.Itstruckhisshoulderlightly,thenbouncedtothefloor.Hebentdowncarefully,asifthe
floorbeneathhimcouldshiftatanymoment,pickedupourravagedpiggybank,andturneditoverin
hishands."SomeonesureashellguttedoldOz,didn'tthey?"Heturnedtome."Jeannette,doyouknow
whathappened?"
Hewasactuallyhalfgrinningatme.Afterthewhipping,Dadhadjackedupthecharmwithme,and
eventhoughIwasplanningtoleave,hecouldmakemelaughwhenhetried,andhestillconsideredme
anally.ButnowIwantedtoknockhimoverthehead."Youtookourmoney,"Isaid."That'swhat
happened."
"Well,don'tthatbeatall,"Dadsaid.Hestartedgoingonabouthowamancomeshomefromslaying
dragons,tryingtokeephisfamilysafe,andallhewantsinreturnforhistoilandsacrificeisalittlelove
andrespect,butitseemedthesedaysthatwasjusttoodamnmuchtoaskfor.Hesaidhedidn'ttakeour
NewYorkmoney,butifLoriwashellbentonlivinginthatcesspool,he'dfinancehertriphimself.
Hereachedintohispocketandpulledoutafewwaddeddollarbills.Wejuststaredathim,soheletthe

crumpledmoneyfalltothefloor."Suityourself,"hesaid.
"Whyareyoudoingthistous,Dad?"Iasked."Why?"
Hisfacetightenedwithanger,thenhestaggeredtothesofabedandpassedout.
"I'llnevergetoutofhere,"Lorikeptsaying."I'llnevergetoutofhere."
"Youwill,"Isaid."Iswearit."Ibelievedshewould.BecauseIknewthatifLorinevergotoutof
Welch,neitherwouldI.
***
IwentbacktoG.C.Murphythenextdayandstaredattheshelfofpiggybanks.Theywerealleither
plasticorporcelainorglass,easilybroken.Istudiedacollectionofmetalboxeswithlocksandkeys.
Thehingesweretooflimsy.Dadcouldprythemapart.Iboughtabluechangepurse.Iworeitonabelt
undermyclothesatalltimes.Whenitgottoofull,IputthemoneyinasockthatIhidinaholeinthe
wallbelowmybunk.
Westartedsavingagain,butLorifelttoodefeatedtopaintmuch,andthemoneydidn'tcomeasquickly.
Aweekbeforeschoolwasout,wehadonly$37.20inthesock.ThenoneofthewomenI'dbeen
babysittingfor,ateachernamedMrs.Sanders,toldmesheandherfamilyweremovingbacktotheir
hometowninIowaandaskedifIwantedtospendthesummerwiththemthere.IfIcamealongand
helpedlookafterhertwotoddlers,shesaidshe'dpaymetwohundreddollarsattheendofthesummer
andbuymeabusticketbacktoWelch.
Ithoughtaboutheroffer."TakeLoriinsteadofme,"Isaid."Andattheendofthesummer,buyhera
bustickettoNewYorkCity."
Mrs.Sandersagreed.
***
LowlyingpewtercoloredcloudsrestedonthemountaintopsaroundWelchonthemorningofLori's
departure.Theyweretheremostmornings,andwhenInoticedthem,theyremindedmeofhowisolated
andforgottenthetownwas,asad,lostplaceadriftintheclouds.Thecloudsusuallyburnedawayby
midmorning,whenthesunclimbedabovethesteephills,butsomedays,liketheoneLorileft,they
clungtothemountains,andafinemistformedinthevalleythatturnedyourhairandfacedamp.
WhentheSandersfamilypulledupintheirstationwagon,Loriwasready.Shehadpackedherclothes,
herfavoritebooks,andherartsuppliesinasinglecardboardbox.ShehuggedallofusexceptDadshe
hadrefusedtospeakawordtohimsinceheplunderedOzpromisedtowrite,andclimbedintothe
stationwagon.
WeallstoodwatchingasthecardisappeareddownLittleHobartStreet.Lorineveroncelookedback.I
tookthatasagoodsign.WhenIclimbedthestaircasetothehouse,Dadwasstandingontheporch,
smokingacigarette.
"Thisfamilyisfallingapart,"hesaid.

"Itsureis,"Itoldhim.
THATFALL,WHENIwasgoingintothetenthgrade,MissBivensmademenewseditorofThe
MaroonWave.Afterworkingasaproofreaderintheseventhgrade,I'dstartedlayingoutpagesinthe
eighthgrade,andintheninthgradeIbeganreportingandwritingarticlesandtakingphotographs.
MomhadboughtaMinoltacameratotakepicturesofherpictures,soshecouldsendthemtoLori,who
couldshowthemaroundartgalleriesinNewYork.WhenMomwasn'tusingit,IworetheMinolta
everywhere,becauseyouneverknewwhenyou'dseesomethingnewsworthy.WhatIlovedmostabout
callingmyselfareporterwasthatitgavemeanexcusetoshowupanyplace.SinceI'dnevermadealot
offriendsinWelch,Ihardlyeverwenttotheschool'sfootballgamesordancesorrallies.Ifeltawkward
sittingbymyselfwheneveryoneelsewaswithfriends.ButwhenIwasworkingfortheWave,Ihada
reasontobethere.Iwasonassignment,amemberoftheworkingpress,withmynotepadinhandand
theMinoltaaroundmyneck.
Ibegangoingtojustabouteveryextracurriculareventattheschool,andthekidswhoshunnedme
beforenowacceptedmeandevensoughtmeout,posingandclowninginhopesofgettingtheirpicture
inthepaper.Assomeonewhocouldmakethemfamousamongtheirpeers,Iwasnolongerapersonto
betrifledwith.
EventhoughtheWavecameoutonlyonceamonth,Iworkedoniteveryday.Insteadofhidinginthe
bathroomduringlunchhour,IspentitinMissBivens'sclassroom,whereIwrotemyarticles,editedthe
storieswrittenbyotherstudents,andcountedthelettersinheadlinestomakesuretheyfitthecolumns.
IfinallyhadagoodexcuseforwhyIneveratelunch."I'mondeadline,"I'dsay.Ialsostayedafter
schooltodevelopmyphotographsinthedarkroom,andthathadahiddenbenefit.Icouldsneakintothe
cafeteriaonceeveryonehadleftanddigthroughthegarbagepails.I'dfindindustrialsizedcansofcorn
thatwerenearlyfullandhugecontainersofcoleslawandtapiocapudding.Inolongerhadtoroot
throughthebathroomwastebasketsforfood,andIhardlyeverwenthungryagain.
***
WhenIwasajunior,MissBivensmademetheeditorinchief,thoughthejobwassupposedtogotoa
senior.OnlyahandfulofstudentswantedtoworkfortheWave,andIendedupwritingsomanyofthe
articlesthatIabolishedbylines;itlookedalittleridiculoushavingmynameappearfourtimesonthe
frontpage.
Thepapercostfifteencents,andIsolditmyself,goingfromclasstoclassandstandinginthehallways,
hawkingitlikeanewsboy.WelchHighhadabouttwelvehundredstudents,butwesoldonlyacouple
hundredcopiesofthepaper.Itriedvariousschemestoboostthecirculation:Iheldpoetrycompetitions,
addedafashioncolumn,andwrotecontroversialeditorials,includingonequestioningthevalidityof
standardizedtests,whichprovokedanirateletterfromtheheadofthestateDepartmentofEducation.
Nothingworked.
OnedayastudentIwastryingtogettobuytheWavetoldmehehadnouseforitbecausethesame
namesappearedinthepaperagainandagain:theschool'sathletesandcheerleadersandthehandfulof
kidsknownasslideruleswhoalwayswontheacademicprizes.SoIstartedacolumncalled."Birthday
Corner,"listingthenamesoftheeightyorsopeoplewhohadtheirbirthdayinthecomingmonth.Most

ofthesepeoplehadneverappearedinthepaper,andtheyweresoexcitedtoseetheirnamesinprint,
theyboughtseveralcopies.Circulationdoubled.MissBivenswonderedaloudif."BirthdayCorner"
representedseriousjournalism.ItoldherIdidn'tcareitsoldpapers.
***
ChuckYeagervisitedWelchHighthatyear.I'dbeenhearingaboutChuckYeagerallmylifefromDad,
abouthowhe'dbeenborninWestVirginia,inthetownofMyraontheMudRiveroverinLincoln
County,abouthowhejoinedtheairforceduringWorldWarIIandhadshotdownelevenGerman
planesbythetimehewastwentytwo,abouthowhebecameatestpilotatEdwardsAirForceBasehigh
upontheMojaveDesertinCalifornia,andabouthowonedayin1947hebecamethefirstmantobreak
thesoundbarrierinhisX1,eventhoughthenightbefore,he'dbeenupdrinkingandhadbeenthrown
fromahorseandcrackedsomeribs.
Dadwouldneveradmittohavingheroes,butthebrassballed,liquorloving,coollycalculatingChuck
Yeagerwastheonemanintheworldheadmiredaboveallothers.WhenheheardthatChuckYeager
wasgivingaspeechatWelchHighandthathe'dagreedtoletmeinterviewhimafterward,Dadcould
hardlycontainhisexcitement.HewaswaitingontheporchformewithapenandpaperwhenIgot
homefromschoolthedaybeforethebiginterview.Hesatdowntohelpmedrawupalistofintelligent
questionssoIwouldn'tembarrassmyselfinfrontofthisgreatestofWestVirginia'snativesons.
WhatwasgoingthroughyourheadwhenyoufirstbrokeMachI?
WhatwasgoingthroughyourheadwhenA.ScottCrossfieldbrokeMachII?
Whatisyourfavoriteaircraft?
Whatareyourthoughtsonthefeasibilityofflyingatthespeedoflight?
Dadwroteupabouttwentyfiveorthirtyquestionslikethatandtheninsistedwerehearsetheinterview.
HepretendedtobeChuckYeagerandgavemedetailedanswerstothequestionshe'dwrittenout.His
eyesgotmistyashedescribedwhatitwasliketobreakthesoundbarrier.ThenhedecidedIneeded
somesolidgroundinginaviationhistory,andhestayeduphalfthenightbriefingme,bythelightofa
kerosenelamp,onthetestflightprogram,basicaerodynamics,andtheAustrianphysicistErnstMach.
ThenextdayMr.Jack,theprincipal,introducedChuckYeagerduringassemblyintheauditorium.He
lookedmorelikeacowboythanaWestVirginian,withhishorseman'sgaitandhisleanleatheryface,
butassoonashestartedspeaking,hisvoicewaspureuphollow.Ashetalked,thefidgetystudents
settledintotheirfoldingchairsandbecameenrapturedbythelegendary,worldtraveledmanwhotold
ushowproudhewasofhisWestVirginiaroots,andhowwe,too,shouldbeproudofthoseroots,roots
weallshared;andhow,regardlessofwherewecamefrom,eachandeveryoneofuscouldandshould
followourdreams,justashehadfollowedhis.Whenhefinishedtalking,theapplauseaboutshattered
theglassinthewindows.
Iclimbeduponthestagebeforethestudentsfiledout."Mr.Yeager,"Isaid,holdingoutmyhand."I'm
JeannetteWallswithTheMaroonWave."
ChuckYeagertookmyhandandgrinned."Jes'spellmynameright,ma'am,"hesaid."so'smykin'll

knowwhoyou'rewritin'about."
Wesatdownonsomefoldingchairsandtalkedfornearlyanhour.Mr.Yeagertookeveryquestion
seriouslyandactedlikehehadallthetimeintheworldforme.WhenImentionedvariousaircrafthe'd
flown,theaircraftDadhadbriefedmeabout,hegrinnedagainandsaid."Heck,Idobelievewegotan
aviationexpertonourhands."
Inthehallwaysafterward,theotherkidskeptcominguptotellmehowluckyIwas."Whatwashe
reallylike?"theyasked."Whatdidhesay?"Everyonetreatedmewiththedeferenceaccordedonlyto
theschool'stopathletes.Eventhevarsityquarterbackcaughtmyeyeandnodded.Iwasthegirlwho
hadactuallytalkedtoChuckYeager.
DadwassoeagertohearhowtheinterviewwentthathewasnotonlyhomewhenIgotbackfrom
school,hewasevensober.Heinsistedonhelpingmewiththearticletoensureitstechnicalaccuracy.
Ialreadyhadaleadfiguredoutinmyhead.IsatdowninfrontofMom'sRemingtonandtypeditout:
ThepagesofthehistorybookscamealivethismonthwhenChuckYeager,themanwhofirstbrokethe
soundbarrier,visitedWelchHigh.
Dadlookedovermyshoulder."Great,"hesaid."Butlet'sjuiceitupalittle."
LORIHADBEENWRITINGtousregularlyfromNewYork.Sheloveditthere.Shewaslivingina
hotelforwomeninGreenwichVillage,workingasawaitressinaGermanrestaurant,andtakingart
classesandevenfencinglessons.She'dmetthemostfascinatinggroupofpeople,everyoneofthema
weirdgenius.PeopleinNewYorklovedartandmusicsomuch,shesaid,thatartistssoldpaintings
rightonthesidewalknexttostringquartetsplayingMozart.EvenCentralParkwasn'tasdangerousas
peopleinWestVirginiathought.Ontheweekends,itwasfilledwithrollerskatersandFrisbeeplayers
andjugglersandmimeswiththeirfacespaintedwhite.SheknewI'dloveitonceIgotthere.Iknewit,
too.
EversinceI'dstartedeleventhgrade,I'dbeencountingoffthemonthstwentytwoofthemuntilI
wouldjoinLori.Ihadmyplanworkedout.OnceIhadgraduatedfromhighschool,I'dmovetoNew
York,enrollatacitycollege,andthengetajobwithAPorUPI,thewireserviceswhosestories
unspooledfromtheWelchDailyNewsTeletypemachines,orwithoneofthefamousNewYorkpapers.
I'doverhearthereportersatTheWelchDailyNewsmakejokestooneanotheraboutthehighfalutin
writerswhoworkedatthosepapers.Iwasdeterminedtobecomeone.
***
Inthemiddleofmyjunioryear,IwenttoMissKatona,thehighschoolguidancecounselor,toaskfor
thenamesofcollegesinNewYork.MissKatonaliftedtheglassesthatdangledfromacordaroundher
neckandpeeredatmethroughthem.BluefieldStatewasonlythirtysixmilesaway,shesaid,andwith
mygrades,Icouldprobablygetafullscholarship.
"IwanttogotocollegeinNewYork,"Isaid.

MissKatonagavemeapuzzledfrown."Whateverfor?"
"That'swhereIwanttolive."
MissKatonasaidthatinherview,thiswasabadidea.Itwaseasiertogotocollegeinthestatewhere
youhadattendedhighschool.Youwereconsideredinstate,whichmeantacceptancewasmorelikely
andtuitionwascheaper.
Ithoughtaboutthisforaminute."MaybeIshouldmovetoNewYorkCityrightnowandgraduatefrom
highschoolthere.ThenI'dbeconsideredinstate."
MissKatonasquintedatme."Butyoulivehere,"shesaid."Thisisyourhome."
MissKatonawasafinebonedwomanwhoalwaysworebuttonupsweatersandstoutshoes.Shehad
gonetoWelchHighSchool,anditseemednottohaveoccurredtohertoliveanywhereelse.Toleave
WestVirginia,eventoleaveWelch,wouldhavebeenunthinkablydisloyal,likedesertingyourfamily.
"JustbecauseIliveherenow,"Isaid."doesn'tmeanIcouldn'tmove."
"Thatwouldbeaterriblemistake.Youlivehere.Thinkofwhatyou'dmiss.Yourfamilyandfriends.
Andsenioryearisthehighlightofyourentirehighschoolexperience.You'dmissSeniorDay.You'd
misstheseniorprom."
***
Iwalkedhomeslowlythatevening,thinkingoverwhatMissKatonahadsaid.Itwastruethatmany
grownupsinWelchtalkedabouthowsenioryearinhighschoolwasthehighlightoftheirlives.On
SeniorDay,somethingtheschoolhadsetuptokeepjuniorsfromdroppingout,theseniorsworefunny
clothesandgottoskipclasses.ItwasnotexactlyacompellingreasontostayoninWelchforonemore
year.Asfortheseniorprom,IhadaboutasmuchchanceofgettingadateasDaddidofending
corruptionintheunions.
I'dbeenspeakinghypotheticallyaboutmovingtoNewYorkayearearly.ButasIwalked,Irealizedthat
ifIwantedto,Icouldupandgo.Icouldreallydoit.Maybenotrightnow,notthisminuteitwasthe
middleoftheschoolyearbutIcouldwaituntilIfinishedeleventhgrade.BythenI'dbeseventeen.I
hadalmostahundreddollarssaved,enoughtogetmestartedinNewYork.IcouldleaveWelchinunder
fivemonths.
IgotsoexcitedthatIstartedrunning.Iran,fasterandfaster,alongtheOldRoadoverhungwithbare
branchedtrees,thenontoGrandViewandupLittleHobartStreet,pastthebarkingyarddogsandthe
frostcoveredcoalpiles,pasttheNoes'houseandtheParishes'house,theHalls'houseandtheRenkos'
houseuntil,gaspingforair,Icametoastopinfrontofourhouse.Forthefirsttimeinyears,Inoticed
myhalffinishedyellowpaintjob.I'dspentsomuchtimeinWelchtryingtomakethingsalittlebit
better,butnothinghadworked.
Infact,thehousewasgettingworse.Oneofthesupportingpillarswasstartingtobuckle.Theleakin
theroofoverBrian'sbedhadgottensobadthatwhenitrained,hesleptunderaninflatableraftMom
hadwoninasweepstakesbysendinginBenson&Hedges100spackageswe'ddugoutoftrashcans.If

Ileft,Briancouldhavemyoldbed.Mymindwasmadeup.IwasgoingtoNewYorkCityassoonas
theschoolyearwasout.
Iclamberedupthemountainsidetotherearofthehousethestairshadcompletelyrottedthrough
andclimbedthroughthebackwindowwenowusedasadoor.Dadwasatthedraftingtable,working
onsomecalculations,andMomwasgoingthroughherstacksofpaintings.WhenItoldthemaboutmy
plan,Dadstubbedouthiscigarette,stoodup,andclimbedoutthebackwindowwithoutsayingaword.
Momnoddedandlookeddown,dustingoffoneofherpaintings,murmuringsomethingtoherself.
"So,whatdoyouthink?"Iasked.
"Fine.Go."
"What'swrong?"
"Nothing.Youshouldgo.It'sagoodplan."Sheseemedonthevergeoftears.
"Don'tbesad,Mom.I'llwrite."
"I'mnotupsetbecauseI'llmissyou,"Momsaid."I'mupsetbecauseyougettogotoNewYorkandI'm
stuckhere.It'snotfair."
***
Lori,whenIcalledher,approvedofmyplan.Icouldlivewithher,shesaid,ifIgotajobandchipped
inontherent.Brianlikedmyidea,too,especiallywhenIpointedoutthathecouldhavemybed.He
beganmakingwisecracksinalockjawaccentabouthowIwasgoingtobecomeoneofthosefur
wearing,pinkieextending,noseintheairNewYorkers.HebegancountingdowntheweeksuntilIleft,
justasIhadcountedthemdownforLori."Insixteenweeks,you'llbeinNewYork,"he'dsay.Thenext
week."Inthreemonthsandthreeweeks,you'llbeinNewYork."
DadhadbarelyspokentomesinceIannouncedmydecision.Onenightthatspring,hecameintothe
bedroomwhereIwasuponmybunkstudying.Hehadsomepapersrolledupunderhisarm.
"Gotaminutetolookatsomething?"heasked.
"Sure."
Ifollowedhimintothelivingroom,wherehespreadthepapersonthedraftingtable.Theywerehisold
blueprintsfortheGlassCastle,allstainedanddogeared.Icouldn'trememberthelasttimeI'dseen
them.We'dstoppedtalkingabouttheGlassCastleoncethefoundationwe'ddugwasfilledupwith
garbage.
"IthinkIfinallyworkedouthowtodealwiththelackofsunlightonthehillside,"Dadsaid.Itinvolved
installingspeciallycurvedmirrorsinthesolarcells.Butwhathewantedtotalktomeaboutwasthe
plansformyroom."NowthatLori'sgone,"hesaid."I'mreconfiguringthelayout,andyourroomwill
bealotbigger."

Dad'shandstrembledslightlyasheunrolleddifferentblueprints.Hehaddrawnfrontalviews,side
views,andaerialviewsoftheGlassCastle.Hehaddiagrammedthewiringandtheplumbing.Hehad
drawntheinteriorsofroomsandlabeledthemandspecifiedtheirdimensions,downtotheinches,in
hisprecise,blockyhandwriting.
Istaredattheplans."Dad,"Isaid."you'llneverbuildtheGlassCastle."
"Areyousayingyoudon'thavefaithinyouroldman?"
"Evenifyoudo,I'llbegone.Inlessthanthreemonths,I'mleavingforNewYorkCity."
"WhatIwasthinkingwasyoudon'thavetogorightaway,"Dadsaid.Icouldstayandgraduatefrom
WelchHighandgotoBluefieldState,asMissKatonahadsuggested,thengetajobatTheWelchDaily
News.He'dhelpmewiththearticles,likehe'dhelpedmewithmypieceonChuckYeager."AndI'll
buildtheGlassCastle,Iswearit.We'llallliveinittogether.It'llbeahellofalotbetterthanany
apartmentyou'lleverfindinNewYorkCity,Icanguarangoddamnteethat."
"Dad,"Isaid,"assoonasIfinishclasses,I'mgettingonthenextbusoutofhere.Ifthebusesstop
running,I'llhitchhike.I'llwalkifIhaveto.GoaheadandbuildtheGlassCastle,butdon'tdoitforme."
Dadrolleduptheblueprintsandwalkedoutoftheroom.Aminutelater,Iheardhimscramblingdown
themountainside.
ITHADBEENAmildwinter,andsummercameearlytothemountains.BylateMay,thewild
bleedingheartsandtherhododendronshadbloomed,andthefragranceofhoneysuckledrifteddownthe
hillsideandintothehouse.Wehadourfirsthotdaysbeforeschoolwasout.
Thoselastcoupleofweeks,I'dgofromfeelingexcitedtonervoustojustplainscaredbacktoexcitedin
amatterofminutes.Onthelastdayofschool,IcleanedoutmylockerandwenttosaygoodbyetoMiss
Bivens.
"I'vegotafeelingaboutyou,"shesaid."Ithinkyou'lldoallrightupthere.Butyou'veleftmewitha
problem.Who'sgoingtoedittheWavenextyear?"
"You'llfindsomeone,I'msure."
"I'vethoughtoftryingtoenticeyourbrotherintoit."
"PeoplemightstartthinkingthattheWallsesarebuildingadynasty."
MissBivenssmiled."Maybeyouare."
***
Athomethatnight,Momcleanedoutasuitcaseshe'dusedforhercollectionofdancingshoes,andI
filleditwithmyclothesandmyboundcopiesofTheMaroonWave.Iwantedtoleaveeverythingfrom
thepastbehind,eventhegoodthings,soIgaveMaureenmygeode.Itwasdustyanddull,butItoldher

thatifshescrubbedithard,itwouldsparklelikeadiamond.AsIclearedouttheboxonthewallnextto
mybed,Briansaid."Guesswhat?Inonemoredayyou'llbeinNewYorkCity."Thenhestarted
impersonatingFrankSinatra,singing."NewYork,NewYork"offkeyanddoinghisloungelizard
dance.
"Shutup,youbigdummy!"Isaidandhithimhardontheshoulder.
"You'rethedummy!"hesaidandhitmehardback.Wetossedafewmorepunchesandthenlookedat
eachotherawkwardly.
TheonebusoutofWelchleftatseventeninthemorning.Ineededtobeatthestationbeforeseven.
Momannouncedthatsinceshewasnotbynatureanearlyriser,shewouldnotbegettinguptoseeme
off."Iknowwhatyoulooklike,andIknowwhatthebusstationlookslike,"shesaid."Andthosebig
farewellsaresosentimental."
***
Icouldhardlysleepthatnight.NeithercouldBrian.Fromtimetotime,he'dbreakthesilenceby
announcingthatinsevenhoursI'dbeleavingWelch,insixhoursI'dbeleavingWelch,andwe'dboth
startcrackingup.IfellasleeponlytobewokenatfirstlightbyBrian,who,likeMom,wasn'tanearly
riser.Hewastuggingatmyarm."Nomorejokingaboutit,"hesaid."Intwohours,you'llbegone."
Dadhadn'tcomehomethatnight,butwhenIclimbedthroughthebackwindowwithmysuitcase,Isaw
himsittingatthebottomofthestonesteps,smokingacigarette.Heinsistedoncarryingthesuitcasefor
me,andwesetoffdownLittleHobartStreetandaroundtheOldRoad.
Theemptystreetsweredamp.EverynowandthenDadwouldlookoveratmeandwink,ormakea
tockingsoundwithhistongueasifIwereahorseandhewasurgingmeon.Itseemedtomakehimfeel
likehewasdoingwhatafathershould,pluckinguphisdaughter'scourage,helpingherfacetheterrors
oftheunknown.
Whenwegottothestation,Dadturnedtome."Honey,lifeinNewYorkmaynotbeaseasyasyou
thinkit'sgoingtobe."
"Icanhandleit,"Itoldhim.
Dadreachedintohispocketandpulledouthisfavoritejackknife,theonewiththehornhandleandthe
bladeofblueGermansteelthatwe'dusedforDemonHunting.
"I'llfeelbetterknowingyouhavethis."Hepressedtheknifeintomyhand.
ThebusturneddownthestreetandstoppedwithahissofcompressedairinfrontoftheTrailways
station.Thedriveropeneduptheluggagecompartmentandslidmysuitcaseinnexttotheothers.I
huggedDad.Whenourcheekstouched,andIbreathedinhissmelloftobacco,Vitalis,andwhiskey,I
realizedhe'dshavedforme.
"Ifthingsdon'tworkout,youcanalwayscomehome,"hesaid."I'llbehereforyou.Youknowthat,
don'tyou?"

"Iknow."Iknewthatinhisway,hewouldbe.IalsoknewI'dneverbecomingback.
Onlyafewpassengerswereonthebus,soIgotagoodseatnexttoawindow.Thedriverclosedthe
door,andwepulledout.AtfirstIresolvednottoturnaround.IwantedtolookaheadtowhereIwas
going,notbackatwhatIwasleaving,butthenIturnedanyway.
Dadwaslightingacigarette.Iwaved,andhewavedback.Thenheshovedhishandsinhispockets,the
cigarettedanglingfromhismouth,andstoodthere,slightlystoopshoulderedanddistractedlooking.I
wonderedifhewasrememberinghowhe,too,hadleftWelchfullofvinegaratageseventeenandjust
asconvincedasIwasnowthathe'dneverreturn.Iwonderedifhewashopingthathisfavoritegirl
wouldcomeback,orifhewashopingthat,unlikehim,shewouldmakeitoutforgood.
Ireachedintomypocketandtouchedthehornhandledjackknife,thenwavedagain.Dadjuststood
there.Hegrewsmallerandsmaller,andthenweturnedacornerandhewasgone.
IV
NEWYORKCITY

ITWASDUSKWHENIgotmyfirstglimpseofitoffinthedistance,beyondaridge.AllIcouldsee
werethespiresandblockytopsofbuildings.Andthenwereachedthecrestoftheridge,andthere,
acrossawideriver,wasahugeislandjammedtiptotipwithskyscrapers,theirglassglowinglikefirein
thesettingsun.
Myheartstartedtorace,andmypalmsgrewdamp.Iwalkeddownthebusaisletothetinyrestroomin
therearandwashedupinthemetalbasin.IstudiedmyfaceinthemirrorandwonderedwhatNew
Yorkerswouldthinkwhentheylookedatme.WouldtheyseeanAppalachianhick,atall,gawkygirl,
stillallelbowsandkneesandjuttingteeth?ForyearsDadhadbeentellingmeIhadaninnerbeauty.
Mostpeopledidn'tseeit.Ihadtroubleseeingitmyself,butDadwasalwayssayinghecoulddamnwell
seeitandthatwaswhatmattered.IhopedwhenNewYorkerslookedatme,theywouldseewhateverit
wasthatDadsaw.
***
Whenthebuspulledintotheterminal,Icollectedmysuitcaseandwalkedtothemiddleofthestation.
Ablurofhurryingbodiesstreamedpastme,leavingmefeelinglikeastoneinacreek,andthenIheard
someonecallingmyname.Hewasapaleguywiththick,blackframedglassesthatmadehiseyeslook
tiny.HisnamewasEvan,andhewasafriendofLori's.Shewasatworkandhadaskedhimtocome
meetme.Evanofferedtocarrymysuitcaseandledmeouttothestreet,anoisyplacewithcrowds
backedupwaitingtocrosstheintersection,carsjammedtogether,andpapersblowingeverywhichway.
Ifollowedhimrightintothethickofit.
Afteroneblock,Evanputdownmysuitcase."Thisisheavy,"hesaid."Whatdoyouhaveinhere?"
"Mycoalcollection."

Helookedatmeblankly.
"Justfunningwithyou,"Isaidandpunchedhimintheshoulder.Evanwasn'ttooquickontheuptake,
butItookthatasagoodsign.Therewasnoreasonformetobeautomaticallyinaweofthewitand
intellectoftheseNewYorkers.
Ipickedupthesuitcase.EvandidnotinsistIgiveitbacktohim.Infact,heseemedsortofrelievedthat
Iwascarryingit.Wecontinuedondowntheblock,andhekeptglancingatmesideways.
"YouWestVirginiagirlsareonetoughbreed,"hesaid.
"Yougotthatright,"Itoldhim.
***
EvandroppedmeoffataGermanrestaurantcalledZumZum.Loriwasbehindthecounter,carrying
fourbeersteinsineachhand,herhairintwinbunsandspeakinginathickGermanaccentbecause,she
explainedlater,itincreasedtips."Deeseesmeinseester!"shecalledouttothemenatoneofhertables.
Theyraisedtheirbeersteinsandshouted."VelkomentoNewYorken!"
Ididn'tknowanyGerman,soIsaid,"Grazi!"
Theyallgotachuckleoutofthat.Loriwasinthemiddleofhershift,soIwentouttowanderthe
streets.Igotlostacoupleoftimesandhadtoaskdirections.Peoplehadbeenwarningmeformonths
abouthowrudeNewYorkerswere.Itwastrue,Ilearnedthatnight,thatifyoutriedtostopthemonthe
street,alotofthemkeptonwalking,shakingtheirheads;thosewhodidstopdidn'tlookatyouatfirst.
Theygazedoffdowntheblock,theirfacesclosed.Butassoonastheyrealizedyouweren'ttryingto
hustlethemorpanhandlemoney,theywarmedrightup.Theylookedyouintheeyeandgaveyou
detailedinstructionsabouthow,togettotheEmpireStateBuilding,youwentupnineblocksandmade
arightandcutacrosstwoblocksandsoon.Theyevendrewyoumaps.NewYorkers,Ifigured,just
pretendedtobeunfriendly.
***
Later,LoriandItookasubwaydowntoGreenwichVillageandwalkedovertotheEvangeline,a
women'shostelwhereshehadbeenliving.ThatfirstnightIwokeupatthreea.m.andsawtheskyall
litupabrightorange.Iwonderediftherewasabigfiresomewhere,butinthemorningLoritoldme
thattheorangeglowcamefromtheairpollutionrefractingthelightoffthestreetsandbuildings.The
nightskyhere,shesaid,alwayshadthatcolor.WhatitmeantwasthatinNewYork,youcouldnever
seethestars.ButVenuswasn'tastar.IwonderedifI'dbeabletoseeit.
Theverynextday,IlandedajobatahamburgerjointonFourteenthStreet.Aftertaxesandsocial
security,I'dbetakinghomeovereightydollarsaweek.IhadspentalotoftimeimaginingwhatNew
Yorkwouldbelike,buttheonethingthathadneveroccurredtomewasthattheopportunitieswould
comesoeasily.Asidefromhavingtowearthoseembarrassingredandyellowuniformswithmatching
floppyhats,Ilovedthejob.Thelunchanddinnerrusheswerealwaysexciting,withthelinesbacking
upatthecounter,thecashiersshoutingordersoverthemicrophones,thegrillguysshoveling
hamburgersthroughtheflamebroilingconveyerbelt,everyonerunningfromthefixingscountertothe
drinksstationtotheinfraredfrieswarmer,stayingontopoftheorders,themanagerjumpingintohelp

wheneveracrisiscroppedup.Wegot20percentoffonourmeals,andforthefirstfewweeksthere,I
hadacheeseburgerandachocolatemilkshakeeverydayforlunch.
***
Inthemiddleofthesummer,Lorifoundusanapartmentinaneighborhoodwecouldaffordthe
SouthBronx.Theyellowartdecobuildingmusthavebeenprettyfancywhenitopened,butnow
graffiticoveredtheoutsidewalls,andthecrackedmirrorsinthelobbywereheldtogetherwithduct
tape.Still,ithadwhatMomcalledgoodbones.
OurapartmentwasbiggerthantheentirehouseonLittleHobartStreet,andwayfancier.Ithadshiny
oakparquetfloors,afoyerwithtwostepsleadingdownintothelivingroomwhereIsleptand,off
totheside,abedroomthatbecameLori's.Wealsohadakitchenwithaworkingrefrigeratorandagas
stovethathadapilotlight,soyoudidn'tneedmatchestogetitgoing,youjustturnedthedial,listened
totheclicking,thenwatchedthecircleofblueflameflareupthroughthetinyholesintheburner.My
favoriteroomwasthebathroom.Ithadablackandwhitetilefloor,atoiletthatflushedwithapowerful
whoosh,atubsodeepyoucouldsubmergeyourselfcompletelyinit,andhotwaterthatneverranout.
Itdidn'tbothermethattheapartmentwasinaroughneighborhood;we'dalwayslivedinrough
neighborhoods.PuertoRicankidshungoutontheblockatallhours,playingmusic,dancing,sittingon
abandonedcars,clusteringattheentrancetotheelevatedsubwaystationandinfrontofthebodegathat
soldsinglecigarettescalledloosies.Igotjumpedanumberoftimes.Peoplewerealwaystellingmethat
ifIwasrobbed,Ishouldhandovermymoneyratherthanriskbeingkilled.ButIwasdarnedifIwas
goingtogivesomestrangermyhardearnedcash,andIdidn'twanttobecomeknowninthe
neighborhoodasaneasytarget,soIalwaysfoughtback.SometimesIwon,sometimesIlost.What
workedbestwastokeepmywitsaboutme.Once,asIwasgettingonthetrain,someguytriedtograb
mypurse,butIjerkeditbackandthestrapbroke.Hefellemptyhandedtotheplatformfloor,andas
thetrainpulledout,Ilookedthroughthewindowandgavehimabigsarcasticwave.
***
Thatfall,Lorihelpedmefindapublicschoolwhere,insteadofgoingtoclasses,thestudentssignedup
forinternshipsalloverthecity.OneofmyinternshipswasatThePhoenix,aweeklynewspaperrunout
ofadingystorefrontonAtlanticAvenueindowntownBrooklyn,neartheoldExLaxfactory.The
owner,publisher,andeditorinchiefwasMikeArmstrong.Hesawhimselfasamuckrakinggadflyand
hadmortgagedhisbrownstonefivetimestokeepThePhoenixgoing.ThestaffallusedUnderwood
manualtypewriterswiththreadbareribbonsandyellowedkeys.TheEonminewasbroken,soIused
the@initsplace.Weneverhadcopypaperandinsteadwroteondiscardedpressreleaseswedugout
ofthetrash.Atleastonceamonth,someone'spaycheckbounced.Reporterswerealwaysquittingin
disgust.Inthespring,whenMr.Armstrongwasinterviewingajournalismschoolgraduateforajob
opening,amouseranoverherfoot,andshescreamed.Aftershe'dleft,Mr.Armstronglookedatme.
TheBrooklynzoningboardwasmeetingthatafternoonandhehadnoonetocoverit."Ifyoustart
callingmeMikeinsteadofMr.Armstrong,"hesaid."youcanhavethejob."
Ihadjustturnedeighteen.Iquitmyjobatthehamburgerjointthenextdayandbecameafulltime
reporterforThePhoenix.I'dneverbeenhappierinmylife.Iworkedninetyhourweeks,mytelephone
rangconstantly,IwasalwayshurryingofftointerviewsandcheckingthetendollarRolexI'dboughton
thestreettomakesureIwasn'trunninglate,rushingbacktofilemycopy,andstayingupuntilfoura.m.
tosettypewhenthetypesetterquit.AndIwasbringinghome$125aweek.Ifthecheckcleared.

***
IwroteBrianlonglettersdescribingthesweetlifeinNewYorkCity.Hewrotebacksayingthingsin
Welchwerestillgoingdownhill.Dadwasdrunkallthetimeexceptwhenhewasinjail;Momhad
completelywithdrawnintoherownworld;andMaureenwasmoreorlesslivingwithneighbors.The
ceilinginthebedroomhadcollapsed,andBrianhadmovedhisbedontotheporch.Hemadewallsby
nailingboardsalongtherailings,butitleakedprettybadlyoutthere,too,sohestillsleptunderthe
inflatableraft.
ItoldLorithatBrianshouldcomelivewithusinNewYork,andsheagreed.ButIwasafraidBrian
wouldwanttostayinWelch.Heseemedmoreofacountryboythanacitykid.Hewasalways
wanderingthroughthewoods,tinkeringwithadiscardedtwostrokeengine,choppingwood,orcarving
ablockofwoodintoananimalhead.HenevercomplainedaboutWelch,andunlikeLoriandme,he'd
madealotoffriendsthere.ButIthoughtitwasinBrian'slongterminteresttogetoutofthetown.I
madealistofreasonsheshouldmovetoNewYork,soIcouldarguehimintoit.
IcalledhimatGrandpa'sandpresentedmycase.He'dneedtogetajobtopayhisshareoftherentand
groceries,Isaid,butjobsweregoingbegginginthecity.Hecouldsharethelivingroomwithme
therewasplentyofspaceforasecondbedthetoiletflushed,andtheceilingneverleaked.
WhenIfinished,Brianwassilentforamoment.Thenhesaid,"When'sthesoonestIcancome?"
***
Justlikeme,BrianhoppedtheTrailwaysbusthemorningaftercompletinghisjunioryear.Theday
afterhegottoNewYork,hefoundajobatanicecreamparlorinBrooklyn,notfarfromThePhoenix.
HesaidhelikedBrooklynbetterthanManhattanortheBronx,buthealsodevelopedahabitof
droppingbyThePhoenixwhenhegotoffworkandwaitingformeuntilthreeorfourinthemorningso
wecouldtakethesubwaytogetheruptotheSouthBronx.Heneversaidanything,butIthinkhefigured
that,aswhenwewerekids,webothstoodabetterchanceifwetookontheworldtogether.
Inowsawnopointingoingtocollege.Itwasexpensive,andmyaimingoingwouldhavebeentogeta
degreetoqualifymeforajobasajournalist.ButInowhadmyjobatThePhoenix.Asforthelearning
itself,Ifiguredyoudidn'tneedacollegedegreetobecomeoneofthepeoplewhoknewwhatwasreally
goingon.Ifyoupaidattention,youcouldpickthingsuponyourown.Andso,ifIoverheardmentionof
somethingIwasignorantaboutkeepingKosher,TammanyHall,hautecoutureIresearcheditlater
on.OnedayIinterviewedacommunityactivistwhodescribedaparticularjobprogramasathrowback
totheProgressiveEra.IhadnoideawhattheProgressiveErawas,andbackintheoffice,Igotoutthe
WorldBookEncyclopedia.MikeArmstrongwantedtoknowwhatIwasdoing,andwhenIexplained,
heaskedmeifIhadeverthoughtofgoingtocollege.
"WhyshouldIgiveupthisjobtogotocollege?"Iasked."You'vegotcollegegraduatesworkinghere
whoaredoingwhatI'mdoing."
"Youmaynotbelievethis,"hesaid."buttherearebetterjobsouttherethantheoneyou'vegotnow.
Youmightgetoneofthemoneofthesedays.Butnotwithoutacollegedegree."Mikepromisedmethat
ifIwenttocollege,IcouldcomebacktoThePhoenixanytimeIwanted.But,headded,hedidn'tthink
Iwould.

***
Lori'sfriendstoldmethatColumbiaUniversitywasthebestinNewYorkCity.Sinceittookonlymen
atthetime,Iappliedtoitssistercollege,Barnard,andwasaccepted.Ireceivedgrantsandloansto
covermostofthetuition,whichwassteep,andI'dsavedalittlemoneywhileworkingatThePhoenix.
Buttopayfortherest,IhadtospendayearansweringphonesataWallStreetfirm.
Onceschoolstarted,Icouldnolongerpaymyshareoftherent,butapsychologistletmehavearoom
inherUpperWestSideapartmentinexchangeforlookingafterhertwosmallsons.Ifoundaweekend
jobinanartgallery,crowdedallmyclassesintotwodays,andbecamethenewseditoroftheBarnard
Bulletin.ButIgavethatupwhenIwashiredasaneditorialassistantthreedaysaweekatoneofthe
biggestmagazinesinthecity.Writerstherehadpublishedbooksandcoveredwarsandinterviewed
presidents.Igottoforwardtheirmail,checktheirexpenseaccounts,anddowordcountsontheir
manuscripts.IfeltI'darrived.
***
MomandDadcalledusnowandthenfromGrandpa'stobringusuptodateonlifeinWelch.Ibeganto
dreadthosecalls,sinceeverytimeweheardfromthem,therewasanewproblem:amudslidehad
washedawaywhatwasleftofthestairs;ourneighborstheFreemansweretryingtogetthehouse
condemned;Maureenhadfallenofftheporchandgashedherhead.
WhenLoriheardthat,shedeclareditwastimeforMaureentomovetoNewYork,too.ButMaureen
wasonlytwelve,andIworriedthatshemightbetooyoungtoleavehome.She'dbeenfourwhenwe
movedtoWestVirginia,anditwasallshereallyknew.
"Who'sgoingtolookafterher?"Iasked.
"Iwill,"Lorisaid."Shecanstaywithme."
LoricalledMaureen,whogotsqueallywithexcitementabouttheidea,andthenLoritalkedtoMom
andDad.Momthoughtitwasagreatplan,butDadaccusedLoriofstealinghischildrenanddeclared
hewasdisowningher.Maureenarrivedinearlywinter.BythenBrianhadmovedintoawalkupnear
thePortAuthoritybusterminal,andusinghisaddress,weenrolledMaureeninagoodpublicschoolin
Manhattan.Onweekends,weallmetatLori'sapartment.Wemadefriedporkchopsorheapingplates
ofspaghettiandmeatballsandsataroundtalkingaboutWelch,laughingsohardattheideaofallthat
crazinessthatoureyeswatered.
ONEMORNINGTHREEyearsafterI'dmovedtoNewYork,Iwasgettingreadyforclassand
listeningtotheradio.TheannouncerreportedaterribletrafficjamontheNewJerseyTurnpike.Avan
hadbrokendown,spillingclothesandfurnitureallovertheroadandcreatingabigbackup.Thepolice
weretryingtoclearthehighway,butadoghadjumpedoutofthevanandwasrunningupanddownthe
turnpikeasacoupleofofficerschasedafterhim.Theannouncergotalotofmileageoutofthestory,
goingonabouttherubeswiththeirclunkerofavehicleandyappingdogwhoweremakingthousands
ofNewYorkcommuterslateforwork.
ThatnightthepsychologisttoldmeIhadaphonecall.

"Jeannettiekins!"ItwasMom."Guesswhat?"sheaskedinavoicebrimmingwithexcitement."Your
daddyandIhavemovedtoNewYork!"
ThefirstthingIthoughtaboutwasthevanthathadbrokendownontheturnpikethatmorning.WhenI
askedMomaboutit,sheadmittedthatyes,sheandDadhadateensybitoftechnicaldifficultywiththe
van.Ithadpoppedabeltonsomebig,crowdedhighway,andTinkle,whowassickandtiredofbeing
coopedup,youknowhowthatgoes,hadgottenloose.Thepolicehadshownup,andDadgotintoan
argumentwiththem,andtheythreatenedtoarresthim,andgoshitwasquitethedrama."Howdidyou
know?"sheasked.
"Itwasontheradio."
"Ontheradio?"Momasked.Shecouldn'tbelieveit."Witheverythinggoingonintheworldthesedays,
anoldvanpoppingabeltisnews?"Buttherewasgenuinegleeinhervoice."Weonlyjustgothere,and
we'realreadyfamous!"
AftertalkingtoMom,Ilookedaroundmyroom.Itwasthemaid'sroomoffthekitchen,anditwastiny,
withonenarrowwindowandabathroomthatdoubledasacloset.Butitwasmine.Ihadaroomnow,
andIhadalife,too,andtherewasnoplaceineitheroneforMomandDad.
Still,thenextdayIwentuptoLori'sapartmenttoseethem.Everyonewasthere.MomandDadhugged
me.DadpulledapintofwhiskeyoutofapaperbagwhileMomdescribedtheirvariousadventureson
thetrip.Theyhadgonesightseeingearlierthatday,andtakentheirfirstrideonthesubway,whichDad
calledagoddamnholeintheground.MomsaidtheartdecomuralsatRockefellerCenterwere
disappointing,notnearlyasgoodassomeofherownpaintings.Noneofuskidswasdoingmuchto
helpcarrytheconversation.
"So,what'stheplan?"Brianfinallyasked."You'removinghere?"
"Wehavemoved,"Momsaid.
"Forgood?"Iasked.
"That'sright,"Dadsaid.
"Why?"Iasked.Thequestioncameoutsharply.
Dadlookedpuzzled,asiftheanswershouldhavebeenobvious."Sowecouldbeafamilyagain."He
raisedhispint."Tothefamily,"hesaid.
***
MomandDadfoundaroominaboardinghouseafewblocksfromLori'sapartment.Thesteelyhaired
landladyhelpedthemmovein,andacoupleofmonthslater,whentheyfellbehindontheirrent,sheput
theirbelongingsonthestreetandpadlockedtheirroom.MomandDadmovedintoasixstory
flophouseinamoredilapidatedneighborhood.Theylastedthereafewmonths,butwhenDadsettheir
roomonfirebyfallingasleepwithaburningcigaretteinhishand,theygotkickedout.Brianbelieved

thatMomandDadneededtobeforcedtobeselfsufficientorthey'dbedependentonusforever,sohe
refusedtotakethemin.ButLorihadmovedoutoftheSouthBronxandintoanapartmentinthesame
buildingasBrian,andsheletthemcomestaywithherandMaureen.Itwouldbeforjustaweekortwo,
MomandDadassuredher,amonthatthemost,whiletheygotakittytogetherandlookedforanew
place.
OnemonthatLori'sbecametwomonthsandthenthreeandfour.EachtimeIvisited,theapartmentwas
morejampacked.Momhungpaintingsonthewallsandstackedstreetfindsinthelivingroomandput
coloredbottlesinthewindowsforthatstainedglasseffect.Thestacksreachedtheceiling,andthenthe
livingroomfilledup,andMom'scollectiblesandfoundartoverflowedintothekitchen.
ButitwasDadwhowasreallygettingtoLori.Whilehehadn'tfoundsteadywork,healwayshad
mysteriouswaysofhustlinguppocketmoney,andhe'dcomehomeatnightdrunkandgunningforan
argument.BriansawthatLoriwasonthevergeofsnapping,soheinvitedDadtocomelivewithhim.
Heputalockontheboozecabinet,butDadhadbeenthereunderaweekwhenBriancamehomeand
foundthatDadhadusedascrewdrivertotakethedooroffitshingesandthenguzzleddownevery
singlebottle.
Briandidn'tlosehistemper.HetoldDadhehadmadeamistakebyleavingliquorintheapartment.He
saidhe'dallowDadtostay,butDadhadtofollowsomerules,thefirstbeingthathestopdrinkingas
longashewasthere."You'rethekingofyourowncastle,andthat'sthewayitshouldbe,"Dadreplied.
"Butit'llbeachillydayinhellbeforeIbowtomyownson."HeandMomstillhadthewhitevanthey'd
drivenupfromWestVirginia,andhestartedsleepinginthat.
Lori,meanwhile,hadgivenMomadeadlinetocleanouttheapartment.Butthedeadlinecameand
went,andsodidasecondandathird.Also,DadwasalwaysdroppingbytovisitMom,butthenthey
gotintosuchscreechingargumentsthattheneighborsbangedonthewalls.Dadstartingfightingwith
them,too.
"Ican'ttakeitanymore,"Loritoldmeoneday.
"Maybeyou'rejustgoingtohavetokickMomout,"Isaid.
"Butshe'smymother."
"Itdoesn'tmatter.She'sdrivingyoucrazy."
Lorifinallyagreed.ItalmostkilledhertotellMomshewouldhavetoleave,andsheofferedtodo
whateverittooktohelphergetreestablished,butMominsistedshe'dbefine.
"Lori'sdoingtherightthing,"shesaidtome."Sometimesyouneedalittlecrisistogetyouradrenaline
flowingandhelpyourealizeyourpotential."
MomandTinklemovedintothevanwithDad.Theylivedthereforafewmonths,butonedaytheyleft
itinanoparkingzoneanditwastowed.Becausethevanwasunregistered,theycouldn'tgetitback.
Thatnight,theysleptonaparkbench.Theywerehomeless.

MOMANDDADCALLEDregularlyfrompayphonestocheckuponus,andonceortwiceamonth,
we'dallgettogetheratLori's.
"It'snotsuchabadlife,"Momtoldusafterthey'dbeenhomelessforacoupleofmonths.
"Don'tyouworryalickaboutus,"Dadadded."We'vealwaysbeenabletofendforourselves."
Momexplainedthatthey'dbeenbusylearningtheropes.They'dvisitedthevarioussoupkitchens,
samplingthecuisines,andhadtheirfavorites.Theyknewwhichchurchespassedoutsandwichesand
when.They'dfoundthepubliclibrarieswithgoodbathroomswhereyoucouldwashthoroughly."We
washasfardownaspossibleandasfarupaspossible,butwedon'twashpossible,"washowMomput
itandbrushyourteethandshave.Theyfishednewspapersfromthetrashcansandlookedupfree
events.Theywenttoplaysandoperasandconcertsintheparks,listenedtostringquartetsandpiano
recitalsinofficebuildinglobbies,attendedmoviescreenings,andvisitedmuseums.Whentheyfirst
becamehomeless,itwasearlysummer,andtheysleptonparkbenchesorinthebushesthatlinedpark
paths.Sometimesacopwouldwakethemupandtellthemtomove,butthey'djustfindsomeother
placetosleep.Duringtheday,they'dstashtheirbedrollsintheunderbrush.
"Youcan'tjustlivelikethis,"Isaid.
"Whynot?"Momsaid."Beinghomelessisanadventure."
***
Asfallcameandthedaysshortenedandtheweathercooled,MomandDadbeganspendingmoretime
inthelibraries,whichwerewarmandcomfortable,andsomeofwhichremainedopenwellintothe
evening.MomwasworkingherwaythroughBalzac.Dadhadbecomeinterestedinchaostheoryand
wasreadingLosAlamosScienceandtheJournalofStatisticalPhysics.Hesaidithadalreadyhelped
hispoolgame.
"Whatareyougoingtodowhenwintercomes?"IaskedMom.
Shesmiled."Winterisoneofmyfavoriteseasons,"shesaid.
Ididn'tknowwhattodo.PartofmewantedtodowhateverIcouldtotakecareofMomandDad,and
partofmejustwantedtowashmyhandsofthem.Thecoldcameearlythatyear,andeverytimeIleft
thepsychologist'sapartment,IfoundmyselflookingintothefacesofthehomelesspeopleIpassedon
thestreet,wonderingeachtimeifoneofthemwouldturnouttobeMomorDad.Iusuallygave
homelesspeoplewhateversparechangeIhad,butIcouldn'thelpfeelinglikeIwastryingtoeasemy
conscienceaboutMomandDadwanderingthestreetswhileIhadasteadyjobandawarmroomto
comehometo.
OnedayIwaswalkingdownBroadwaywithanotherstudentnamedCarolwhenIgavesomechangeto
ayounghomelessguy."Youshouldn'tdothat,"Carolsaid.
"Why?"

"Itonlyencouragesthem.They'reallscamartists."
Whatdoyouknow?Iwantedtoask.IfeltliketellingCarolthatmyparentswereoutthere,too,thatshe
hadnoideawhatitwasliketobedownonyourluck,withnowheretogoandnothingtoeat.Butthat
wouldhavemeantexplainingwhoIreallywas,andIwasn'tabouttodothat.Soatthenextstreet
corner,Iwentmywaywithoutsayingathing.
IknewIshouldhavestoodupforMomandDad.I'dbeenprettyscrappyasakid,andourfamilyhad
alwaysfoughtforoneanother,butbackthenwe'dhadnochoice.Thetruthwas,Iwastiredoftakingon
peoplewhoridiculedusforthewaywelived.Ijustdidn'thaveitinmetoargueMomandDad'scaseto
theworld.
ThatwaswhyIdidn'townuptomyparentsinfrontofProfessorFuchs.Shewasoneofmyfavorite
teachers,atinydarkpassionatewomanwithcirclesunderhereyeswhotaughtpoliticalscience.One
dayProfessorFuchsaskedifhomelessnesswastheresultofdrugabuseandmisguidedentitlement
programs,astheconservativesclaimed,ordiditoccur,astheliberalsargued,becauseofcutsinsocial
serviceprogramsandthefailuretocreateeconomicopportunityforthepoor?ProfessorFuchscalledon
me.
Ihesitated."Sometimes,Ithink,it'sneither."
"Canyouexplainyourself?"
"Ithinkthatmaybesometimespeoplegetthelivestheywant."
"Areyousayinghomelesspeoplewanttoliveonthestreet?"ProfessorFuchsasked."Areyousaying
theydon'twantwarmbedsandroofsovertheirheads?"
"Notexactly,"Isaid.Iwasfumblingforwords."Theydo.Butifsomeofthemwerewillingtowork
hardandmakecompromises,theymightnothaveideallives,buttheycouldmakeendsmeet."
ProfessorFuchswalkedaroundfrombehindherlectern."Whatdoyouknowaboutthelivesofthe
underprivileged?"sheasked.Shewaspracticallytremblingwithagitation."Whatdoyouknowabout
thehardshipsandobstaclesthattheunderclassfaces?"
Theotherstudentswerestaringatme.
"Youhaveapoint,"Isaid.
THATJANUARYITGOTsocoldyoucouldseechunksoficethesizeofcarsfloatingdownthe
HudsonRiver.Onthosemidwinternights,thehomelesssheltersfilledupquickly.MomandDadhated
theshelters.Humancesspools,Dadcalledthem,goddamnverminpits.MomandDadpreferredto
sleeponthepewsofthechurchesthatopenedtheirdoorstothehomeless,butonsomenightsevery
pewineverychurchwastaken.OnthosenightsDadwouldendupinashelter,whileMomwouldshow

upatLori's,Tinkleintow.Attimeslikethat,hercheerfulfacadewouldcrack,andshe'dstartcrying
andconfesstoLorithatlifeinthestreetscouldbehard,justreallyhard.
ForawhileIconsidereddroppingoutofBarnardtohelp.Itfeltunbearablyselfish,justdownright
wrong,tobeindulgingmyselfwithaneducationintheliberalartsatafancyprivatecollegewhileMom
andDadwereonthestreets.ButLoriconvincedmethatdroppingoutwasalamebrainedidea.It
wouldn'tdoanygood,shesaid,andbesides,droppingoutwouldbreakDad'sheart.Hewasimmensely
proudthathehadadaughterincollege,andanIvyLeaguecollegeatthat.Everytimehemetsomeone
new,hemanagedtoworkitintothefirstfewminutesofconversation.
MomandDad,Brianpointedout,hadoptions.TheycouldmovebacktoWestVirginiaorPhoenix.
Momcouldwork.Andshewasnotdestitute.ShehadhercollectionofantiqueIndianjewelry,which
shekeptinaselfstoragelocker.TherewasthetwocaratdiamondringthatBrianandIhadfoundunder
therottenlumberbackinWelch;sheworeitevenwhensleepingonthestreet.Shestillownedproperty
inPhoenix.AndshehadthelandinTexas,thesourceofheroilleaseroyalties.
Brianwasright.Momdidhaveoptions.Imetheratacoffeeshoptodiscussthem.Firstoff,Isuggested
thatshemightthinkoffindinganarrangementlikemine:aroominsomeone'sniceapartmentin
exchangefortakingcareofchildrenortheelderly.
"I'vespentmylifetakingcareofotherpeople,"Momsaid."Nowit'stimetotakecareofme."
"Butyou'renottakingcareofyou."
"Dowehavetohavethisconversation?"Momasked."I'veseensomegoodmovieslately.Can'twetalk
aboutthemovies?"
IsuggestedtoMomthatshesellherIndianjewelry.Shewouldn'tconsiderit.Shelovedthatjewelry.
Besides,theywereheirloomsandhadsentimentalvalue.
ImentionedthelandinTexas.
"Thatland'sbeeninthefamilyforgenerations,"Momsaid,"andit'sstayinginthefamily.Younever
selllandlikethat."
IaskedaboutthepropertyinPhoenix.
"I'msavingthatforarainyday."
"Mom,it'spouring."
"Thisisjustadrizzle,"shesaid."Monsoonscouldbeahead!"Shesippedhertea."Thingsusuallywork
outintheend."
"Whatiftheydon't?"

"Thatjustmeansyouhaven'tcometotheendyet."
Shelookedacrossthetableandsmiledatmewiththesmileyougivepeoplewhenyouknowyouhave
theanswerstoalltheirquestions.Andsowetalkedaboutmovies.
MOMANDDADSURVIVEDthewinter,buteverytimeIsawthem,theylookedalittleworsefor
wear:dirtier,morebruised,theirhairmorematted.
"Don'tyoufretabit,"Dadsaid."Haveyoueverknownyouroldmantogethimselfinasituationhe
couldn'thandle?"
IkepttellingmyselfDadwasright,thattheyknewhowtolookafterthemselvesandeachother,butin
thespring,MomcalledmetosayDadhadcomedownwithtuberculosis.
Dadalmostnevergotsick.Hewasalwaysgettingbangedupandthenrecoveringalmostimmediately,
asifnothingcouldtrulyhurthim.Apartofmestillbelievedallthosechildhoodstorieshe'dtoldus
abouthowinvinciblehewas.Dadhadaskedthatnoonevisithim,butMomsaidshethoughthe'dbe
prettypleasedifIdroppedbythehospital.
Iwaitedatthenurse'sstationwhileanorderlywenttotellhimhehadavisitor.IthoughtDadmightbe
underanoxygententorlyinginabedcoughingupbloodintoawhitehandkerchief,butafteraminute,
hecamehurryingdownthehall.Hewaspalerandmoregauntthanusual,butdespiteallhisyearsof
hardliving,hehadagedverylittle.Hestillhadallhishair,anditwasstillcoalblack,andhisdarkeyes
twinkledabovethepapersurgicalmaskhewaswearing.
Hewouldn'tletmehughim."Whoa,Nelly,stayback,"hesaid."You'resureasightforsoreeyes,
honey,butIdon'twantyoucatchingthissonofabitchofabug."
DadescortedmebacktotheTBwardandintroducedmetoallofhisfriends."Believeitornot,ol'Rex
Wallsdidproducesomethingworthbraggingabout,andheresheis,"hetoldthem.Thenhestarted
coughing.
"Dad,areyougoingtobeokay?"Iasked.
"Ain'tnoneofusgettingoutofthisalive,honey,"Dadsaid.Itwasanexpressionheusedalot,andnow
heseemedtofindaspecialsatisfactioninit.
Dadledmeovertohiscot.Aneatpileofbookswasstackednexttoit.HesaidhisboutwithTBhadset
himtoponderingaboutmortalityandthenatureofthecosmos.He'dbeenstonecoldsobersince
enteringthehospital,andreadingalotmoreaboutchaostheory,particularlyabouttheworkofMitchell
Feigenbaum,aphysicistatLosAlamoswhohadmadeastudyofthetransitionbetweenorderand
turbulence.DadsaidhewasdamnedifFeigenbaumdidn'tmakeapersuasivecasethatturbulencewas
notinfactrandombutfollowedasequentialspectrumofvaryingfrequencies.Ifeveryactioninthe
universethatwethoughtwasrandomactuallyconformedtoarationalpattern,Dadsaid,thatimplied
theexistenceofadivinecreator,andhewasbeginningtorethinkhisatheisticcreed."I'mnotsaying

there'sabeardedoldgeezernamedYahwehupinthecloudsdecidingwhichfootballteamisgoingto
wintheSuperBowl,"Dadsaid."ButifthephysicsthequantumphysicssuggeststhatGodexists,
I'mmorethanwillingtoentertainthenotion."
Dadshowedmesomeofthecalculationshe'dbeenworkingon.Hesawmelookingathistrembling
fingersandheldthemup."LackofliquororfearofGoddon'tknowwhichiscausingit,"hesaid.
"Maybeboth."
"Promiseyou'llstayhereuntilyougetbetter,"Isaid."Idon'twantyoudoingtheskedaddle."
Dadburstintolaughterthatendedinanotherfitofcoughing.
DADSTAYEDINTHEhospitalforsixweeks.Bythenhe'dnotonlybeatenbacktheTB,he'dbeen
soberlongerthananytimesincethePhoenixdetox.Heknewthatifhewentbacktothestreets,he'd
startdrinkingagain.Oneofthehospitaladministratorsgothimajobasamaintenancemanatan
upstateresort,roomandboardincluded.HetriedtotalkMomintogoingwithhim,butsheflatly
refused."Upstate'sthesticks,"shesaid.
SoDadwentalone.Hecalledmefromtimetotime,anditsoundedlikehe'dputtogetheralifethat
workedforhim.Hehadaoneroomapartmentoveragarage,enjoyeddoingtherepairsandupkeepon
theoldlodge,lovedbeingbackwithinwalkingdistanceofuntamedcountry,andwasstayingsober.
Dadworkedattheresortthroughthesummerandintothefall.Asitbegantoturncoldagain,Mom
calledhimandmentionedhowmucheasieritwasfortwopeopletostaywarmduringthewinter,and
howmuchTinklethedogmissedhim.InNovember,afterthefirsthardfrost,IgotacallfromBrian,
whosaidthatMomhadsucceededinpersuadingDadtoquithisjobandreturntothecity.
"Doyouthinkhe'llstaysober?"Iasked.
"He'salreadybackonthebooze,"Briansaid.
AfewweeksafterDadgotback,IsawhimatLori's.Hewassittingonthesofawithanarmaround
Momandapintbottleinhishand.Helaughed."Thiscrazyassmotherofyours,can'tlivewithher,
can'tlivewithouther.Anddamnedifshedoesn'tfeelthesameaboutme."
***
Allofuskidshadourownlivesbythen.Iwasincollege,Lorihadbecomeanillustratoratacomic
bookcompany,MaureenlivedwithLoriandwenttohighschool,andBrian,whohadwantedtobea
copeversincehe'dhadtocallapolicemantoourhouseinPhoenixtobreakupafightbetweenMom
andDad,hadbecomeawarehouseforemanandwasservingontheauxiliaryforceuntilhewasold
enoughtotakethepolicedepartment'sentranceexam.MomsuggestedweallcelebrateChristmasat
Lori'sapartment.IboughtMomanantiquesilvercross,butfindingagiftforDadwasharder;healways
saidheneverneededanything.Sinceitlookedlikeitwasgoingtobeanotherhardwinter,andsince
Dadworenothingbuthisbomberjacketineventhecoldestweather,Idecidedtogethimsomewarm
clothes.Atanarmysurplusstore,Iboughtflannelshirts,thermalunderwear,thickwoolsocks,thekind
ofblueworkpantsthatautomechanicswear,andanewpairofsteeltoedboots.

Loridecoratedherapartmentwithcoloredlightsandpineboughsandpaperangels;Brianmade
eggnog;andtodemonstratethathewasonhisbestbehavior,Dadwenttogreatlengthstomakesure
therewasnoalcoholinitbeforeheacceptedaglass.Mompassedaroundtheirpresents,eachwrapped
innewspaperandtiedwithbutcher'stwine.LorigotacrackedlampthatmighthavebeenaTiffany;
Maureen,anantiqueporcelaindollthathadlostmostofherhair;Brian,anineteenthcenturybookof
poetry,missingthecoverandthefirstfewpages.Mypresentwasanorangecrewnecksweater,slightly
stainedbutmade,Mompointedout,ofgenuineShetlandwool.
WhenIpassedDadmystackofcarefullywrappedboxes,heprotestedthatheneededandwanted
nothing."Goahead,"Isaid."Openthem."
Iwatchedashecarefullyremovedthewrapping.Heliftedthelidsandstaredatthefoldedclothes.His
facetookonthatwoundedexpressionhegotwhenevertheworldcalledhisbluff."Youmustbemighty
ashamedofyouroldman,"hesaid.
"Whatdoyoumean?"Iasked.
"YouthinkI'msomesortofgoddamncharitycase."
Dadstoodupandputonhisbomberjacket.Hewasavoidingalloureyes.
"Whereareyougoing?"Iasked.
Dadjustturneduphiscollarandwalkedoutoftheapartment.Ilistenedtothesoundofhisbootsgoing
downthestairs.
"WhatdidIdo?"Iasked.
"Lookatitfromhisperspective,"Momsaid."Youbuyhimallthesenicenewthings,andallhehasfor
youisjunkfromthestreet.He'sthefather.He'stheonewho'ssupposedtobetakingcareofyou."
Theroomwasquietforawhile."Iguessyoudon'twantyourpresents,either,"IsaidtoMom.
"Oh,no,"shesaid."Ilovegettingpresents."
BYTHEFOLLOWINGsummer,MomandDadwereheadingintotheirthirdyearonthestreets.
They'dfiguredouthowtomakeitworkforthem,andIgraduallycamearoundtoacceptingthenotion
thatwhetherIlikeditornot,thiswashowitwasgoingtobe."It'ssortofthecity'sfault,"Momtold
me."Theymakeittooeasytobehomeless.Ifitwasreallyunbearable,we'ddosomethingdifferent."
InAugust,Dadcalledtogoovermycourseselectionforthefallsemester.Healsowantedtodiscuss
someofthebooksonthereadinglists.Sincehe'dcometoNewYork,he'dbeenborrowingmyassigned
booksfromthepubliclibrary.Hereadeverysingleone,hesaid,sohecouldansweranyquestionsI
mighthave.Momsaiditwashiswayofgettingacollegeeducationalongwithme.

WhenheaskedmewhatcoursesIhadsignedupfor,Isaid,"I'mthinkingofdroppingout."
"Thehellyouare,"Dadsaid.
Itoldhimthatwhilemostofmytuitionwascoveredbygrantsandloansandscholarships,theschool
expectedmetocontributetwothousanddollarsayear.Butoverthesummer,Ihadbeenabletosave
onlyathousanddollars.Ineededanotherthousandandhadnowaytocomeupwithit.
"Whydidn'tyoutellmesooner?"Dadasked.
DadcalledaweeklaterandtoldmetomeethimatLori's.WhenhearrivedwithMom,hewascarrying
alargeplasticgarbagebagandhadasmallbrownpaperbagtuckedunderhisarm.Iassumeditwasa
bottleofbooze,butthenheopenedthepaperbagandturneditupsidedown.Hundredsofdollarbills
ones,fives,tens,twenties,allwrinkledandwornspilledintomylap.
"There'sninehundredandfiftybucks,"Dadsaid.Heopenedtheplasticbag,andafurcoattumbled
out."Thatthere'smink.Youshouldbeabletopawnitforfifty,atleast."
Istaredattheloot."Wheredidyougetallthis?"Ifinallyasked.
"NewYorkCityisfullofpokerplayerswhowouldn'tknowtheirassfromaholeintheground."
"Dad,"Isaid."youguysneedthismoneymorethanIdo."
"It'syours,"Dadsaid."Sincewhenisitwrongforafathertotakecareofhislittlegirl?"
"ButIcan't."IlookedatMom.
Shesatdownnexttomeandpattedmyleg."I'vealwaysbelievedinthevalueofagoodeducation,"she
said.
So,whenIenrolledformyfinalyearatBarnard,IpaidwhatIowedonmytuitionwithDad'swadded,
crumpledbills.
AMONTHLATER,IgotacallfromMom.Shewassoexcitedshewastrippingoverherownwords.
SheandDadhadfoundaplacetolive.Theirnewhome,Momsaid,wasinanabandonedbuildingon
theLowerEastSide."It'satadrundown,"sheadmitted."ButallitreallyneedsisalittleTLC.And
bestofall,it'sfree."
Otherfolkswerealsomovingintoabandonedbuildings,shesaid.Theywerecalledsquatters,andthe
buildingswerecalledsquats."YourfatherandIarepioneers,"Momsaid."Justlikemygreatgreat
grandfather,whohelpedtametheWildWest."
Momcalledinafewweeksandsaidthatalthoughthesquatstillneededafewfinishingtouchesa
frontdoor,forexamplesheandDadwereofficiallyacceptingvisitors.ItookthesubwaytoAstor

Placeonalatespringdayandheadedeast.MomandDad'sapartmentwasinasixstorywalkup.The
mortarwascrumblingandbrickshadcomeloose.Allthewindowsonthefirstfloorhadbeenboarded
up.Ireachedtoopenthebuilding'sfrontdoor,butwherethelockandhandleshouldhavebeen,there
wasonlyahole.Inside,asinglenakedlightbulbhungfromawireinthehallway.Ononewall,chunks
ofplasterhadcrumbledaway,revealingthewoodenribsandpipesandwiring.Onthethirdfloor,I
knockedonthedoortoMomandDad'sapartmentandheardDad'smuffledvoice.Insteadofthedoor
swinginginward,fingersappearedonbothsides,anditwasliftedoutoftheframealtogether.There
wasDad,beamingandhuggingmewhilehewentonabouthowhe'dyettoinstalldoorhinges.Asa
matteroffact,they'donlyjustgottenthedooritself,whichhe'dfoundinthebasementofanother
abandonedbuilding.
Momcamerunningupbehindhim,grinningsowidelyyoucouldseehermolars,andgavemeabig
hug.Dadknockedacatoffachairtheyhadalreadytakeninafewstraysandofferedmeaseat.The
roomwascrammedwithbrokenfurniture,bundlesofclothes,stacksofbooks,andMom'sartsupplies.
Fourorfiveelectricspaceheatersblastedaway.MomexplainedthatDadhadhookedupeverysquatin
thebuildingtoaninsulatedcablehe'dhotwiredoffautilitypoledowntheblock."We'reallgetting
freejuice,thankstoyourfather,"Momsaid."Nooneinthebuildingcouldsurvivewithouthim."
Dadchuckledmodestly.Hetoldmehowcomplicatedtheprocesshadbeen,becausethewiringinthe
buildingwassoancient."DamnedestelectricalsystemI'veeverseen,"hesaid."Themanualmusthave
beenwritteninhieroglyphics."
Ilookedaround,andithitmethatifyoureplacedtheelectricheaterswithacoalstove,thissquatonthe
LowerEastSidelookedprettymuchlikethehouseonLittleHobartStreet.IhadescapedfromWelch
once,andnow,breathinginthosesameoldsmellsofturpentine,doghair,anddirtyclothes,ofstale
beerandcigarettesmokeandunrefrigeratedfoodslowlygoingbad,Ihadtheurgetobolt.ButMomand
Dadwereclearlyproud,andasIlistenedtothemtalkinterruptingeachotherintheirexcitementto
correctpointsoffactandfillingapsinthestoryabouttheirfellowsquattersandthefriendsthey'd
madeintheneighborhoodandthecommonfightagainstthecity'shousingagency,itbecameclear
they'dstumbledonanentirecommunityofpeoplelikethemselves,peoplewholivedunrulylives
battlingauthorityandwholikeditthatway.Afterallthoseyearsofroaming,they'dfoundhome.
***
IgraduatedfromBarnardthatspring.Briancametotheceremony,butLoriandMaureenhadtowork,
andMomsaiditwouldjustbealotofboringspeechesaboutthelongandwindingroadoflife.I
wantedDadtocome,butchanceswerehe'dshowupdrunkandtrytodebatethecommencement
speaker.
"Ican'triskit,Dad,"Itoldhim.
"Hell,"hesaid."Idon'thavetoseemyMountainGoatgrabbingasheepskintoknowshe'sgother
collegedegree."
ThemagazinewhereI'dbeenworkingtwodaysaweekhadofferedmeafulltimejob.WhatIneeded
wasaplacetolive.Forseveralyears,IhadbeendatingamannamedEric,afriendofoneofLori's
eccentricgeniusfriends,whocamefromawealthyfamily,ranasmallcompany,andlivedaloneinthe
apartmentonParkAvenueinwhichhe'dbeenraised.Hewasadetached,almostfanaticallyorganized

guywhomaintaineddetailedtimemanagementlogsandcouldreciteendlessbaseballstatistics.Buthe
wasdecentandresponsible,nevergambledorlosthistemper,andalwayspaidhisbillsontime.When
heheardthatIwaslookingforaroommatetoshareanapartment,hesuggestedImoveinwithhim.I
couldn'taffordhalftherent,Itoldhim,andIwouldn'tlivethereunlessIcouldpaymyownway.He
suggestedthatIbeginbypayingwhatIcouldafford,andasmysalarywentup,Icouldincreasethe
payment.Hemadeitsoundlikeabusinessproposition,butasolidone,andafterthinkingitover,I
agreed.
WhenItoldDadaboutmyplans,heaskedifEricmademehappyandtreatedmewell."Becauseifhe
doesn't,"Dadsaid."IwillbyGodkickhisbuttsohard,hisassholewillbeupbetweenhisshoulder
blades."
"Hetreatsmefine,Dad,"Isaid.WhatIwantedtosaywasthatIknewEricwouldnevertrytostealmy
paycheckorthrowmeoutthewindow,thatI'dalwaysbeenterrifiedI'dfallforaharddrinking,hell
raising,charismaticscoundrellikeyou,Dad,butI'dwoundupwithamanwhowasexactlythe
opposite.
***
Allmybelongingsfitintotwoplasticmilkcratesandagarbagebag.Ihauledthemtothestreet,hailed
ataxi,andtookitacrosstowntoEric'sbuilding.Thedoorman,inablueuniformwithgoldpiping,
hurriedoutfromundertheawningandinsistedoncarryingthemilkcratesintothelobby.
Eric'sapartmenthadcrossbeamedceilingsandafireplacewithanartdecomantel.Iactuallyliveon
ParkAvenue,IkepttellingmyselfasIhungmyclothesintheclosetErichadclearedoutforme.ThenI
startedthinkingaboutMomandDad.Whentheyhadmovedintotheirsquatafifteenminutesubway
ridesouthandabouthalfadozenworldsawayitseemedasiftheyhadfinallyfoundtheplacewhere
theybelonged,andIwonderedifIhaddonethesame.
IINVITEDMOMandDaduptotheapartment.Dadsaidhe'dfeeloutofplace,andneverdidcome,
butMomvisitedalmostimmediately.Sheturnedoverdishestoreadthemanufacturer'snameandlifted
thecornerofthePersianrugtocounttheknots.Sheheldthechinatothelightandranherfingeralong
theantiquecampaignchest.Thenshewenttothewindowandlookedoutatthebrickandlimestone
apartmentbuildingsacrossthestreet."Idon'treallylikeParkAvenue,"shesaid."Thearchitectureistoo
monotonous.IpreferthearchitectureonCentralParkWest."
ItoldMomshewasthesnootiestsquatterI'devermet,andthatmadeherlaugh.Wesatdownonthe
livingroomcouch.IhadsomethingIwantedtodiscusswithher.Inowhadagoodjob,Isaid,andwas
inapositiontohelpherandDad.Iwantedtobuythemsomethingthatwouldimprovetheirlives.It
couldbeasmallcar.Itcouldbethesecuritydepositandafewmonths'rentonanapartment.Itcouldbe
thedownpaymentonahouseinaninexpensiveneighborhood.
"Wedon'tneedanything,"Momsaid."We'refine."Sheputdownherteacup."It'syouI'mworried
about."
"You'reworriedaboutme?"

"Yes.Veryworried."
"Mom,"Isaid."I'mdoingverywell.I'mvery,verycomfortable."
"That'swhatI'mworriedabout,"Momsaid."Lookatthewayyoulive.You'vesoldout.NextthingI
know,you'llbecomeaRepublican."Sheshookherhead."WherearethevaluesIraisedyouwith?"
***
Mombecameevenmoreconcernedaboutmyvalueswhenmyeditorofferedmeajobwritingaweekly
columnaboutwhathecalledthebehindthescenesdoingsofthemoversandshakers.MomthoughtI
shouldbewritingexpossaboutoppressivelandlords,socialinjustice,andtheclassstruggleonthe
LowerEastSide.ButIleapedatthejob,becauseitmeantIwouldbecomeoneofthosepeoplewho
knewwhatwasreallygoingon.Also,mostpeopleinWelchhadaprettygoodideahowbadoffthe
Wallsfamilywas,butthetruthwas,theyallhadtheirproblems,tootheywerejustbetterthanwe
wereatcoveringthemup.Iwantedtolettheworldknowthatnoonehadaperfectlife,thateventhe
peoplewhoseemedtohaveitallhadtheirsecrets.
DadthoughtitwasgreatthatIwaswritingaweeklycolumnabout,asheputit,theskinnydamesand
thefatcats.Hebecameoneofmymostfaithfulreaders,andwouldgotothelibrarytoresearchthe
peopleinthecolumn,thencallmewithtips."ThisAstorbroadhasonehelluvapast,"hetoldmeone
time."Maybeweshoulddoalittledigginginthatdirection."Eventually,evenMomacknowledgedthat
I'ddoneallright."Nooneexpectedyoutoamounttomuch,"shetoldme."Loriwasthesmartone,
Maureentheprettyone,andBrianthebraveone.Youneverhadmuchgoingforyouexceptthatyou
alwaysworkedhard."
IlovedmynewjobevenmorethanIlovedmyParkAvenueaddress.Iwasinvitedtodozensofpartiesa
week:artgalleryopenings,benefitballs,moviepremieres,bookparties,andprivatedinnersinmarble
flooreddiningrooms.Imetrealestatedevelopers,agents,heiresses,fundmanagers,lawyers,clothing
designers,professionalbasketballplayers,photographers,movieproducers,andtelevision
correspondents.Imetpeoplewhoownedentirecollectionsofhousesandspentmoreononerestaurant
mealthanmyfamilyhadpaidfor93LittleHobartStreet.
Trueornot,IwasconvincedthatifallthesepeoplefoundoutaboutMomandDadandwhoIreally
was,itwouldbeimpossibleformetokeepmyjob.SoIavoideddiscussingmyparents.Whenthatwas
impossible,Ilied.
AyearafterIstartedthecolumn,Iwasinasmall,overstuffedrestaurantacrossthetablefromanaging,
elegantwomaninasilkturbanwhooversawtheInternationalBestDressedList.
"So,whereareyoufrom,Jeannette?"
"WestVirginia."
"Where?"
"Welch."

"Howlovely.What'sthemainindustryinWelch?"
"Coalmining."
Asshequestionedme,shestudiedwhatIwore,assessingthefabricandappraisingthecostofeach
itemandmakingajudgmentaboutmytasteingeneral.
"Anddoesyourfamilyowncoalmines?"
"No."
"Whatdoyourparentsdo?"
"Mom'sanartist."
"Andyourfather?"
"He'sanentrepreneur."
"Doingwhat?"
Itookabreath."He'sdevelopingatechnologytoburnlowgradebituminouscoalmoreefficiently."
"Andthey'restillinWestVirginia?"sheasked.
IdecidedImightaswellgoallout."Theyloveitthere,"Isaid."Theyhaveagreatoldhouseonahill
overlookingabeautifulriver.Theyspentyearsrestoringit."
MYLIFEWITHERICwascalmandpredictable.Ilikeditthatway,andfouryearsafterImovedinto
hisapartment,wegotmarried.Shortlyafterthewedding,Mom'sbrother,myuncleJim,diedin
Arizona.Momcametotheapartmenttogivemethenewsandtoaskafavor."WeneedtobuyJim's
land,"shesaid.
MomandherbrotherhadeachinheritedhalfoftheWestTexaslandthathadbeenownedbytheir
father.Thewholetimewekidsweregrowingup,Momhadbeenmysteriouslyvagueabouthowbigand
howvaluablethislandwas,butIhadtheimpressionthatitwasafewhundredacresofmoreorless
uninhabitabledesert,milesfromanyroad.
"Weneedtokeepthatlandinthefamily,"Momtoldme."It'simportantforsentimentalreasons."
"Let'sseeifwecanbuyit,then,"Isaid."Howmuchwillitcost?"
"YoucanborrowthemoneyfromEricnowthathe'syourhusband,"Momsaid.
"I'vegotalittlemoney,"Isaid."Howmuchwillitcost?"I'dreadsomewherethatoffroadlandin

parchedWestTexassoldforaslittleasahundreddollarsanacre.
"YoucanborrowfromEric,"Momsaidagain.
"Well,howmuch?"
"Amilliondollars."
"What?"
"Amilliondollars."
"ButUncleJim'slandisthesamesizeasyourland,"Isaid.Iwasspeakingslowly,becauseIwantedto
makesureIunderstoodtheimplicationsofwhatMomhadjusttoldme."Youeachinheritedhalfof
GrandpaSmith'sland."
"Moreorless,"Momsaid.
"SoifUncleJim'slandisworthamilliondollars,thatmeansyourlandisworthamilliondollars."
"Idon'tknow."
"Whatdoyoumean,youdon'tknow?It'sthesamesizeashis."
"Idon'tknowhowmuchit'sworth,becauseIneverhaditappraised.Iwasnevergoingtosellit.My
fathertaughtmeyouneversellland.That'swhywehavetobuyUncleJim'sland.Wehavetokeepitin
thefamily."
"Youmeanyouownlandworthamilliondollars?"Iwasthunderstruck.AllthoseyearsinWelchwith
nofood,nocoal,noplumbing,andMomhadbeensittingonlandworthamilliondollars?Hadall
thoseyears,aswellasMomandDad'stimeonthestreetnottomentiontheircurrentlifeinan
abandonedtenementbeenacapriceinflictedonusbyMom?Couldshehavesolvedourfinancial
problemsbysellingthislandsheneverevensaw?Butsheavoidedmyquestions,anditbecameclear
thattoMom,holdingontolandwasnotsomuchaninvestmentstrategyasitwasanarticleoffaith,a
revealedtruthasdeeplyfeltandincontestabletoherasCatholicism.Andforthelifeofme,Icouldnot
gethertotellmehowmuchthelandwasworth.
"ItoldyouIdon'tknow,"shesaid.
"Thentellmehowmanyacresitis,andwhereexactlyitis,andI'llfindouthowmuchanacreoflandis
goingforinthatarea."Iwasn'tinterestedinhermoney;Ijustwantedtoknowneededtoknowthe
answertomyquestion:Howmuchwasthatfreakinglandworth?Maybeshetrulydidn'tknow.Maybe
shewasafraidtofindout.Maybeshewasafraidofwhatwe'dallthinkifweknew.Butinsteadof
answeringme,shekeptrepeatingthatitwasimportanttokeepUncleJim'slandlandthathad
belongedtoherfatherandhisfatherandhisfatherbeforethatinthefamily.

"Mom,Ican'taskEricforamilliondollars."
"Jeannette,Ihaven'taskedyouforalotoffavors,butI'maskingyouforonenow.Iwouldn'tifitwasn't
important.Butthisisimportant."
ItoldMomIdidn'tthinkEricwouldlendmeamilliondollarstobuysomelandinTexas,andevenifhe
would,Iwouldn'tborrowitfromhim."It'stoomuchmoney,"Isaid."WhatwouldIdowiththeland?"
"Keepitinthefamily."
"Ican'tbelieveyou'reaskingmethis,"Isaid."I'veneverevenseenthatland."
"Jeannette,"Momsaidwhenshehadacceptedthefactthatshewouldnotgetherway."I'mdeeply
disappointedinyou."
LORIWASWORKINGasafreelanceartistspecializinginfantasy,illustratingcalendarsandgame
boardsandbookjackets.Brianhadjoinedthepoliceforceassoonasheturnedtwenty.Dadcouldn't
figureoutwhathe'ddonewrong,raisingasonwho'dgrownuptobecomeamemberofthegestapo.
ButIwassoproudofmybrotheronthedayhewasswornin,standingthereintheranksofthenew
officers,straightshoulderedinhisnavyblueuniformwithitsglitteringbrassbuttons.
Meanwhile,Maureenhadgraduatedfromhighschoolandenrolledinoneofthecitycolleges,butshe
neverreallyappliedherselfandendeduplivingwithMomandDad.Sheworkedfromtimetotimeasa
bartenderorwaitress,butthejobsneverlastedlong.Eversinceshewasakid,she'dbeenlookingfor
someonetotakecareofher.InWelch,thePentecostalneighborsprovidedforher,andnowinNew
York,withherlongblondhairandwideblueeyes,shefoundvariousmenwhowerewillingtohelpout.
Theboyfriendsneverlastedanylongerthanthejobs.Shetalkedaboutfinishingcollegeandgoingto
lawschool,butdistractionskeptcroppingup.ThelongershestayedwithMomandDad,themorelost
shebecame,andafterawhileshewasspendingmostofherdaysintheapartment,smokingcigarettes,
readingnovels,andoccasionallypaintingnudeselfportraits.Thattworoomsquatwascramped,and
MaureenandDadwouldgetintotheworstscreamingfights,withMaureencallingDadaworthless
drunkandDadcallingMaureenasickpuppy,theruntofthelitter,whoshouldhavebeendrownedat
birth.
Maureenevenstoppedreadingandsleptallday,leavingtheapartmentonlytobuycigarettes.Icalled
andpersuadedhertocomeuptoseemeanddiscussherfuture.Whenshearrived,Iscarcelyrecognized
her.She'dbleachedherhairandeyebrowsplatinumandwaswearingdarkmakeupasthickasaKabuki
dancer's.Shelitonecigaretteafteranotherandkeptglancingaroundtheroom.WhenIbroughtup
somecareerpossibilities,shetoldmethattheonlythingshewantedtodowashelpfighttheMormon
cultsthathadkidnappedthousandsofpeopleinUtah.
"Whatcults?"Iasked.
"Don'tpretendyoudon'tknow,"shesaid."Thatjustmeansyou'reoneofthem."

Afterward,IcalledBrian."DoyouthinkMaureen'sondrugs?"Iasked.
"Ifshe'snot,sheshouldbe,"hesaid."She'sgonenuts."
ItoldMomthatMaureenshouldgetprofessionalhelp,butMomkeptinsistingthatallMaureenneeded
wasfreshairandsunshine.Italkedtoseveraldoctors,buttheytoldmethatsinceitsoundedlike
Maureenwouldrefusetoseekhelponherown,shecouldbetreatedonlyontheorderofacourt,ifshe
provedshewasadangertoherselforothers.
***
Sixmonthslater,MaureenstabbedMom.IthappenedafterMomdecideditwastimeforMaureento
developalittleselfsufficiencybymovingoutandfindingaplaceofherown.Godhelpsthosewho
helpthemselves,MomtoldMaureen,andsoforherowngood,shewouldhavetoleavethenestand
makeherwayintheworld.Maureencouldn'tbeartheideathatherownmomwouldkickheroutonto
thestreet,andshesnapped.MominsistedMaureenhadnotactuallybeentryingtokillhershe'djust
becomeconfusedandupset,shesaidbutthewoundsrequiredstitches,andthepolicearrested
Maureen.
Shewasarraignedafewdayslater.MomandDadandLoriandBrianandIwereallthere.Brianwas
fuming.Lorilookedgriefstricken.Dadwashalfpottedandkepttryingtopickfightswiththesecurity
guards.ButMomactedlikehernormalselfnonchalantinthefaceofadversity.Aswesatwaitingon
thecourtroombenches,shehummedtunelesslyandsketchedtheotherspectators.
Maureenshuffledintothecourtroom,shackledandwearinganorangejumpsuit.Herfacewaspuffy,
andshelookeddazed,butwhenshesawus,shesmiledandwaved.Herlawyeraskedthejudgetoset
bail.IhadborrowedseveralthousanddollarsfromEricandhadthecashinmypurse.Butafter
listeningtotheprosecutor'sversionofevents,thejudgeshookherheadgrimly:"Bailisdenied."
Inthehallway,LoriandDadgotintoaloudargumentoverwhowasresponsibleforpushingMaureen
overtheedge.LoriblamedDadforcreatingasickenvironment,whileDadmaintainedthatMaureen
hadfaultywiring.MomchimedinthatallthejunkfoodMaureenatehadledtoachemicalimbalance,
andBrianstartedyellingatthemalltoshutthehelluporhe'darrestthem.Ijuststoodtherelooking
fromonedistortedfacetoanother,listeningtothisbabbleofenragedsquabblingasthemembersofthe
Wallsfamilygaveventtoalltheiryearsofhurtandanger,eachunloadinghisorherownaccumulated
grievancesandblamingtheothersforallowingthemostfragileoneofustobreakintopieces.
ThejudgesentMaureentoanupstatehospital.Shewasreleasedafterayearandimmediatelyboughta
onewaybustickettoCalifornia.ItoldBrianthatwehadtostopher.Shedidn'tknowasinglepersonin
California.Howwouldshesurvive?ButBrianthoughtitwasthesmartestthingshecoulddofor
herself.HesaidsheneededtogetasfarawayfromMomandDad,andprobablytherestofus,as
possible.
IdecidedBrianwasright.ButIalsohopedthatMaureenhadchosenCaliforniabecauseshethought
thatwashertruehome,theplacewhereshereallybelonged,whereitwasalwayswarmandyoucould
danceintherain,pickgrapesrightoffthevines,andsleepoutsideatnightunderthestars.

Maureendidnotwantanyofustoseeheroff.Irosejustafterfirstlightthemorningshewasscheduled
toleave.Itwasanearlydeparture,andIwantedtobeawakeandthinkingaboutheratthemomenther
buspulledout,soIcouldsayfarewellinmymind.Iwenttothewindowandlookedoutatthecold,wet
sky.Iwonderedifshewasthinkingofusandifshewasgoingtomissus.I'dalwayshadmixedfeelings
aboutbringinghertoNewYork,butI'dagreedtolethercome.Onceshearrived,I'dbeentoobusy
takingcareofmyselftolookafterher."I'msorry,Maureen,"Isaidwhenthetimecame."sorryfor
everything."
AFTERTHAT,IHARDLYeversawMomorDad.NeitherdidBrian.Hehadgottenmarriedand
boughtarundownVictorianhouseonLongIslandthatherestored,andheandhiswifehadachild,a
littlegirl.Theywerehisfamilynow.Lori,whowasstilllivinginherapartmentnearthePortAuthority,
wasmoreintouchwithMomandDad,butshe,too,hadgoneherownway.Wehadn'tgottentogether
sinceMaureen'sarraignment.Somethinginallofusbrokethatday,andafterward,wenolongerhad
thespiritforfamilygatherings.
AboutayearafterMaureentookoffforCalifornia,IgotacallatworkfromDad.Hesaidheneededto
gettogethertodiscusssomethingimportant.
"Can'twedoitoverthephone?"
"Ineedtoseeyouinperson,honey."
DadaskedmetocomedowntotheLowerEastSidethatevening."Andifit'snottoomuchtrouble,"he
added."couldyoustoponyourwayandpickupabottleofvodka?"
"Oh,sothat'swhatthisisabout."
"No,no,honey.Idoneedtotalktoyou.ButIwouldappreciatesomevodka.Nothingfancy,justthe
cheapestrotguttheyhave.Apintwouldbefine.Afifthwouldbegreat."
IwasannoyedbyDad'sslyrequestforvodkatossingitoutattheendoftheconversationasifitwere
anafterthought,whenIfigureditwasprobablythepurposeofthecall.ThatafternoonIcalledMom,
whostillneverdrankanythingstrongerthantea,andaskedifIshouldindulgeDad.
"Yourfatheriswhoheis,"Momsaid."It'salittlelateinthegametotrytoreformhimnow.Humorthe
man."
***
ThatnightIstoppedinaliquorstoreandboughtahalfgallonofthecheapestrotgutontheshelf,justas
Dadhadrequested,thentookataxidowntotheLowerEastSide.Iclimbedthedarkstaircaseand
pushedopentheunlockeddoor.MomandDadwerelyingintheirbedunderapileofthinblankets.I
gottheimpressionthey'dbeenthereallday.Momsquealedwhenshesawme,andDadstarted
apologizingforthemess,sayingifMomwouldlethimclearoutsomeofhercrap,theymightatleast
beabletoswingacatinhere,whichgotMomaccusingDadofbeingabum.
"Goodtoseeyou,"IsaidasIkissedthem."It'sbeenawhile."

MomandDadstruggledupintosittingpositions.IsawDadeyeingthebrownpaperbag,andIpassedit
tohim.
"Amagnum,"Dadsaid,hisvoicechokedwithgratitudeasheeasedthebigbottlefromthebag.He
unscrewedthecapandtookalong,deeppull."Thankyou,mydarling,"hesaid."Youaresogoodto
youroldman."
Momworeaheavycableknitsweater.Theskinofherhandswasdeeplycracked,andherhairwas
tangled,butherfacehadahealthypinkglow,andhereyeswereclearandbright.Besideher,Dad
lookedgaunt.Hishair,stillcoalblackexceptfortouchesofgrayathistemples,wascombedback,but
hischeeksweresunken,andhehadathinbeard.He'dalwaysbeencleanshaven,evenduringthose
daysonthestreets.
"Whyareyougrowingabeard,Dad?"Iasked.
"Everymanshouldgrowoneonce."
"Butwhynow?"
"It'snowornever,"Dadsaid."Thefactis,I'mdying."
Ilaughednervously,thenlookedatMom,whohadreachedforhersketchpadwithoutsayinganything.
Dadwaswatchingmecarefully.Hepassedmethevodkabottle.AlthoughIalmostneverdrank,Itooka
sipandfelttheburnastheliquorsliddownmythroat.
"Thisstuffcouldgrowonyou,"Isaid.
"Don'tletit,"Dadsaid.
Hestartedtellingmehowhe'dacquiredararetropicaldiseaseaftergettingintoabloodyfistfightwith
someNigeriandrugdealers.Thedoctorshadexaminedhim,pronouncedtherarediseaseincurable,and
toldhimhehadanywherefromafewweekstoafewmonthstolive.
Itwasaridiculousyarn.Thefactwasthat,althoughDadwasonlyfiftynine,hehadbeensmokingfour
packsofcigarettesadaysincehewasthirteen,andbythistimehewasalsoputtingawayagoodtwo
quartsofboozedaily.Hewas,ashehadputitmanyatime,completelypickled.
Butdespiteallthehellraisinganddestructionandchaoshehadcreatedinourlives,Icouldnot
imaginewhatmylifewouldbelikewhattheworldwouldbelikewithouthiminit.Asawfulashe
couldbe,Ialwaysknewhelovedmeinawaynooneelseeverhad.Ilookedoutthewindow.
"Now,nosnotslingingorboohooingabout'poorol'Rex,'"Dadsaid."Idon'twantanyofthat,either
noworwhenI'mgone."

Inodded.
"Butyoualwayslovedyouroldman,didn'tyou?"
"Idid,Dad,"Isaid."Andyoulovedme."
"Now,that'stheGod'shonesttruth."Dadchuckled."Wehadsometimes,didn'twe?"
"Wedid."
"NeverdidbuildthatGlassCastle."
"No.Butwehadfunplanningit."
"Thoseweresomedamnfineplans."
Momstayedoutoftheconversation,sketchingquietly.
"Dad,"Isaid,"I'msorry,Ireallyshouldhaveaskedyoutomygraduation."
"Tohellwiththat."Helaughed."Ceremoniesneverdidmeandiddlytome."Hetookanotherlongpull
onhismagnum."Igotalottoregretaboutmylife,"hesaid."ButI'mgoddamnproudofyou,Mountain
Goat,thewayyouturnedout.WheneverIthinkofyou,IfigureImusthavedonesomethingright."
"'Courseyoudid."
"Well,allrightthen."
Wetalkedabouttheolddayssomeand,finally,itwastimetogo.Ikissedthemboth,andatthedoor,I
turnedtolookatDadonemoretime.
"Hey,"hesaid.Hewinkedandpointedhisfingeratme."HaveIeverletyoudown?"
HestartedchucklingbecauseheknewtherewasonlyonewayIcouldeveranswerthatquestion.Ijust
smiled.AndthenIclosedthedoor.
TWOWEEKSLATER,Dadhadaheartattack.WhenIgottothehospital,hewasinabedinthe
emergencyroom,hiseyesclosed.MomandLoriwerestandingnexttohim."It'sjustthemachines
keepinghimaliveathispoint,"Momsaid.
IknewDadwouldhavehatedthat,spendinghisfinalmomentsinahospitalhookeduptomachines.
He'dhavewantedtobeoutinthewildsomewhere.Healwayssaidthatwhenhedied,weshouldput
himonamountaintopandletthebuzzardsandcoyotestearhisbodyapart.Ihadthiscrazyurgeto
scoophimupinmyarmsandchargethroughthedoorstocheckoutRexWallsstyleonelasttime.

Instead,Itookhishand.Itwaswarmandheavy.Anhourlater,theyturnedthemachinesoff.
***
Inthemonthsthatfollowed,IfoundmyselfalwayswantingtobesomewhereotherthanwhereIwas.If
Iwasatwork,I'dwishIwereathome.IfIwasintheapartment,Icouldn'twaittogetoutofit.Ifataxi
Ihadhailedwasstuckintrafficforoveraminute,Igotoutandwalked.IfeltbestwhenIwasonthe
move,goingsomeplaceratherthanbeingthere.Itookupiceskating.Iroseearlyinthemorningand
mademywaythroughthequiet,dawnlitstreetstotherink,whereIlacedupmyskatessotightlymy
feetthrobbed.Iwelcomedthenumbingcoldandeventhejoltofmyfallsonthehard,wetice.Thefast
paced,repetitivemaneuversdistractedme,andsometimesIwentbackatnighttoskateagain,returning
homeonlywhenitwaslateandIwasexhausted.Ittookmeawhiletorealizethatjustbeingonthe
movewasn'tenough;thatIneededtoreconsidereverything.
***
AyearafterDaddied,IleftEric.Hewasagoodman,butnottherightoneforme.AndParkAvenue
wasnotwhereIbelonged.ItookasmallapartmentontheWestSide.Ithadneitheradoormannora
fireplace,buttherewerelargewindowsthatfloodedtheroomswithlight,andparquetfloorsanda
smallfoyer,justlikethatfirstapartmentLoriandIhadfoundintheBronx.Itfeltright.
Iwenticeskatinglessoften,andwhenmyskateswerestolen,Ineverreplacedthem.Mycompulsionto
bealwaysonthemovebegantofade.ButIlikedtogoforlongwalksatnight.Ioftenwalkedwest
towardtheriver.Thecitylightsobscuredthestars,butonclearnights,IcouldseeVenusonthe
horizon,upoverthedarkwater,glowingsteadily.
V
THANKSGIVING

IWASSTANDINGONtheplatformwithmysecondhusband,John.Awhistlesoundedinthe
distance,redlightsflashed,andabellclangedasthegateswereloweredacrosstheroadway.The
whistlesoundedagain,andthenthetrainappearedaroundthebendthroughthetreesandrumbled
towardthestation,itsmassivetwinheadlightspaleinthebrightNovemberafternoon.
Thetraineasedtoastop.Theelectricengineshummedandvibrated,andafteralongpause,thedoors
opened.Passengersspilledout,carryingtheirfoldednewspapersandcanvasweekendbagsandbrightly
coloredcoats.Throughthecrowd,IsawMomandLorigettingoutatthebackofthetrain,andIwaved.
IthadbeenfiveyearssinceDaddied.IhadseenMomonlysporadicallysincethen,andshe'dnevermet
Johnnorbeentotheoldcountryfarmhousewe'dboughttheyearbefore.IthadbeenJohn'sideato
inviteherandLoriandBrianouttothehouseforThanksgiving,thefirstWallsfamilygettogether
sinceDad'sfuneral.
Mombrokeintoahugesmileandstartedhurryingtowardus.Insteadofanovercoat,shewaswearing
whatlookedtobeaboutfoursweatersandashawl,apairofcorduroytrousers,andsomeoldsneakers.
Shecarriedbulkyshoppingbagsinbothhands.Lori,behindher,woreablackcapeandablackfedora.
Theymadequiteapair.

Momhuggedme.Herlonghairwasmostlygray,buthercheekswererosyandhereyesasbrightas
ever.ThenLorihuggedme,andIintroducedJohn.
"Excusemyattire,"Momsaid."butIplantochangeoutofmycomfyshoesintosomedressshoesfor
dinner."Shereachedintooneofhershoppingbagsandpulledoutapairofbangeduppennyloafers.
***
Thewindingroadbacktothehouseledunderstonebridges,throughwoodsandvillages,andpast
marshpondswhereswansfloatedonmirrorlikewater.Mostoftheleaveshadfallen,andgustsofwind
sentthemspiralingalongtheroadside.Throughthethicketsofbaretrees,youcouldseehousesthat
wereinvisibleduringthesummer.
Ashedrove,JohntoldMomandLoriaboutthearea,abouttheduckfarmsandtheflowerfarmsandthe
Indianoriginofourtown'sname.Sittingbesidehim,Istudiedhisprofileandcouldn'thelpsmiling.
Johnwrotebooksandmagazinearticles.Likeme,hehadmovedaroundalotwhilegrowingup,buthis
motherhadbeenraisedinanAppalachianvillageinTennessee,aboutahundredmilessouthwestof
Welch,soyoucouldsayourfamilieshailedfromthesameneckofthewoods.I'dnevermetamanI
wouldratherspendtimewith.Ilovedhimforallsortsofreasons:Hecookedwithoutrecipes;hewrote
nonsensepoemsforhisnieces;hislarge,warmfamilyhadacceptedmeasoneoftheirown.Andwhen
Ifirstshowedhimmyscar,hesaiditwasinteresting.Heusedtheword."textured."Hesaid."smooth"
wasboringbut."textured"wasinteresting,andthescarmeantthatIwasstrongerthanwhateveritwas
thathadtriedtohurtme.
***
Wepulledintothedrive.Jessica,John'sfifteenyearolddaughterfromhisfirstmarriage,cameoutof
thehouse,alongwithBrianandhiseightyearolddaughter,Veronica,andtheirbullmastiff,Charlie.
Brianhadn'tseenmuchofMomsinceDad'sfuneral,either.Hehuggedherandimmediatelystarted
ribbingheraboutthepluckedfromtheDumpsterpresentsshe'dbroughtforeveryoneintheshopping
bags:rustingsilverware,oldbooksandmagazines,afewpiecesoffinebonechinafromthetwenties
withonlyminorchips.
Brianhadbecomeadecoratedsergeantdetective,supervisingaspecialunitthatinvestigatedorganized
crime.HeandhiswifehadsplituparoundthetimeEricandIdid,buthehadconsoledhimselfby
buyingandrenovatingawreckofatownhouseinBrooklyn.Heputinnewwiringandplumbing,anew
firebox,reinforcedfloorjoists,andanewporchallonhisown.Itwasthesecondtimehe'dtakenona
truedumpandrestoredittoperfection.Also,atleasttwowomenwereafterhimtomarrythem.Hewas
doingprettydarnwell.
WeshowedMomandLorithegardens,whichwerereadyforwinter.JohnandIhaddoneallthework
ourselves:rakedtheleavesandshreddedtheminthechipper,cutbackthedeadperennialsandmulched
thebeds,shoveledcompostontothevegetablegardenandtilledit,anddugupthedahliabulbsand
storedtheminabucketofsandinthebasement.Johnhadalsosplitandstackedthewoodfromadead
maplewe'dcutdown,andclimbedupontherooftoreplacesomerottedcedarshingles.
Momnoddedatallourpreparations;she'dalwaysappreciatedselfsufficiency.Sheadmiredthewisteria
thatwrappedaroundthepottingshed,thetrumpetvineonthearbor,andthebiggroveofbamboointhe

back.Whenshesawthepool,animpulseseizedher,andsheranoutontothegreenelasticcovertotest
itsstrength,Charliethedoglopingafterher.Thecoversaggedbeneaththem,andshefelldown,
shriekingwithlaughter.JohnandBrianhadtohelppullheroffasBrian'sdaughter,Veronicawho
hadn'tseenMomsinceshewasatoddlerstaredwideeyed.
"GrandmaWallsisdifferentfromyourothergrandma,"Itoldher.
"Waydifferent,"Veronicasaid.
John'sdaughter,Jessica,turnedtomeandsaid,"Butshelaughsjustlikeyoudo."
***
IshowedMomandLorithehouse.Istillwentintotheofficeinthecityonceaweek,butthiswas
whereJohnandIlivedandworked,ourhomethefirsthouseI'deverowned.MomandLoriadmired
thewideplankedfloorboards,thebigfireplaces,andtheceilingbeamsmadefromlocustposts,with
gougemarksfromtheaxthathadfelledthem.Mom'seyesettledonanEgyptiancouchwe'dboughtata
fleamarket.Ithadcarvedlegsandawoodenbackrestinlaidwithmotherofpearltriangles.Shenodded
inapproval."Everyhousehold,"shesaid."needsonepieceoffurnitureinreallybadtaste."
ThekitchenwasfilledwiththesmelloftheroastingturkeyJohnhadprepared,withastuffingof
sausage,mushrooms,walnuts,apples,andspicedbreadcrumbs.He'dalsomadecreamedonions,wild
rice,cranberrysauce,andsquashcasserole.I'dbakedthreepieswithapplesfromanearbyorchard.
"Bonanza!"Brianshouted.
"Feasttime!"Isaidtohim.
Helookedatthedishes.Iknewwhathewasthinking,whathethoughteverytimehesawaspreadlike
thisone.Heshookhisheadandsaid."Youknow,it'sreallynotthathardtoputfoodonthetableif
that'swhatyoudecidetodo."
"Now,norecriminations,"Loritoldhim.
Afterwesatdownfordinner,Momtoldushergoodnews.Shehadbeenasquatterforalmostfifteen
years,andthecityhadfinallydecidedtoselltheapartmentstoherandtheothersquattersforonedollar
apiece.Shecouldn'tacceptourinvitationtostayawhile,shesaid,becauseshehadtogetbackfora
boardmeetingofthesquatters.Momalsosaidshe'dbeenintouchwithMaureen,whowasstilllivingin
California,andthatourkidsister,whomIhadn'tspokentosincesheleftNewYork,wasthinkingof
comingbackforavisit.
WestartedtalkingaboutsomeofDad'sgreatescapades:lettingmepetthecheetah,takingusDemon
Hunting,givingusstarsforChristmas.
"WeshoulddrinkatoasttoRex,"Johnsaid.
Momstaredattheceiling,mimingperplexedthought."I'vegotit."Sheheldupherglass."Lifewith
yourfatherwasneverboring."

Weraisedourglasses.IcouldalmosthearDadchucklingatMom'scommentinthewayhealwaysdid
whenhewastrulyenjoyingsomething.Ithadgrowndarkoutside.Awindpickedup,rattlingthe
windows,andthecandleflamessuddenlyshifted,dancingalongtheborderbetweenturbulenceand
order.