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Not For Every Occasion: Be A Dear

This document provides tools and strategies for addressing microaggressions in various situations, including when impacted by, witnessing, or committing microaggressions. It outlines different approaches depending on factors like the relationship and whether intent was clear. The tools include speaking from the heart by affirming the person, describing the behavior, explaining the impact, assuming positive intent, and requesting different behavior. For witnessing, it suggests reducing defensiveness, asking open-ended questions, and joining the person to shift attitudes. When receiving an intervention, it advises listening fully, acknowledging feelings, prioritizing impact over intent, and apologizing for real impact rather than intended meaning.

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Denial Young
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58 views2 pages

Not For Every Occasion: Be A Dear

This document provides tools and strategies for addressing microaggressions in various situations, including when impacted by, witnessing, or committing microaggressions. It outlines different approaches depending on factors like the relationship and whether intent was clear. The tools include speaking from the heart by affirming the person, describing the behavior, explaining the impact, assuming positive intent, and requesting different behavior. For witnessing, it suggests reducing defensiveness, asking open-ended questions, and joining the person to shift attitudes. When receiving an intervention, it advises listening fully, acknowledging feelings, prioritizing impact over intent, and apologizing for real impact rather than intended meaning.

Uploaded by

Denial Young
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
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Microaggressions Hotsheet

Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee


Dialogue Tools for When Impacted By, Witness To, or Agent of Microaggressions
Adapted from works by Derald Wing Sue, Rachel Simmons, National Coalition Building Institute,
and Brené Brown
Updated as of August 2020

Not for Every Occasion


Microaggressions are brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioral, and environmental indignities,
whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative racial slights and
insults to the target person or group. Three forms of microaggressions can be identified: microassault,
microinsult, and microinvalidation. The tools in this sheet are meant for microinsults and
microinvalidations, NOT microassults.
• Microassults are often:
-deliberate and intentional
-aims to slight, hurt, and offend the target
-most similar to “old fashioned bigotry” at an individual level
• Microinsults and microinvalidations are often:
-unconscious and unintentional
-aims are varied (communication, curiosity, connection, complimenting)
-convey an assumed belief in stereotype reinforced by society
-impactful due to their widespread and frequent use

Speaking from the Heart


This is a tool for someone with whom you are in relationship or community. You believe that they meant
well (or did not mean to hurt you). You want to address the behavior, but you do not want to damage the
relationship if possible. This is also a useful tool when the relationship is hierarchical.

Be A DEAR
• Affirm the person, the relationship, or everyone’s rights
• Describe the behavior without judgment
• Explain the impact, emotion, filters through which you experienced what happened
• Assume positive intent
• Request or suggest different behavior
Examples:
“I appreciate having you as a colleague. We work together well, and I respect the contributions you make to the
team. Earlier today, when someone corrected you on using the correct gender pronouns for me, I heard you say,
‘They know what I meant,’ and later, you said, ‘Well it’s so difficult, and they should know others are going to mess
up a lot.’ I was hurt when I heard these things. My gender is something that I have had to defend and affirm since I
was a kid. Every day, every space, I have to come out, reaffirm, and defend. It’s frustrating and saddening that I
have to do the same with someone I see every day and work side by side with. I imagine you didn’t mean for me to
feel that way. Can I ask that you make bigger efforts to get my pronouns right, and take it seriously when you make
a mistake and someone corrects you?”
“I think you and I both agree we all have a right to be respected and heard in this community. When we were
disagreeing about budgets, you said, ‘You’re being overdramatic,’ and later, you called me a ‘drama queen.’
Statements like this make it sound like I am being too emotional and that my concerns are drama rather than real
issues. I am assuming you don’t intend to police my tone or dismiss my concerns. I would appreciate your not
saying things like this anymore. Thank you.”
Active Witnessing
This is a tool for someone you may or may not know well. You’re actually not sure what they intended.
You want to address the behavior, but you do not want create open conflict if possible. This is also a
useful tool when the identity being diminished is not your own.
Effective Interventions
• Reduce defensiveness through respectful tone and body language
• Keep the conversation Going
• At their best, build relationships, shift attitudes, and win over allies
Different Occasions, Different Approaches
• Ask open ended questions
“He looked suspicious”
“How did he look? How was he acting? Why was that suspicious?”
• Find out the experience motivating the comment
“Why can’t they just speak English around here?”
“It must be hard not to understand what people are saying around you.”
“I’m sick of my taxes paying for freeloaders”
“Tell me more about that.”
• Use exaggerated humor to highlight what’s going on (use sparingly)
“What do gay people think about this issue?”
“I’m not sure – I’ll go ask. It may take me a while, since there are so many gay people.”
• Join the person and do not make yourself superior
“She got that award because she’s Black and female.”
“You know, I hear that a lot. I’ve been trying to figure out why we seem to think when a Black woman gets
recognized it must be because of ‘diversity’ or ‘affirmative action’ stuff rather than that she earned it.”

Receiving the Intervention


This is a tool for when someone brings to your attention something you said or did that impacted another
person. You had intended something else, but the impact was negative.
Listen to the Real Message and Respond Meaningfully
• Listen with full attention
• Don’t try to defend or respond right away
Take deep breaths (move from limbic response to cortical response)
Acknowledge your feelings (emotion regulation)
• Remember that your mistakes don’t define you
Guilt is productive (I did something bad, but I can fix it)
Shame is counterproductive (I am bad, and there’s nothing I can do about it)
Your goal is to be worthy of their trust and gift in telling you the truth
• Prioritize the impact over intent
Apologize for real (avoid “I’m sorry you took it that way”)
Examples:
“I really appreciate your telling me this.”
“I’m so embarrassed that I did that.”
“I’m so sorry my words and actions made you feel that way. No matter what I intended, I hurt you.”
“I’m pretty overwhelmed right now, and I don’t want to respond in a way I’d regret. Do you think you can help me
come up with a better way to handle that situation after I take a few minutes?”
“I wanted to go back to a moment I don’t think I handled very well. I’d like to apologize and talk to you some
more.”

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