*the batboys on patrol, bored during a stakeout and arguing about who's been failed by the most parental units*
Tim: i dont think death should count as failure, so Dick only gets one.
Dick: yeah- well we all have one by default, because, y'no,
Jason: -look B isn't evil but he is an idiot and idiocy should count as failure.
Bruce: ...you guys know i'm on this line, right?
Damian: hush father, we're discussing.
Tim: so i get two, because i have the Drakes and then B. can my B count as two though? like, i had B normally and then i had B in the depths of grief; like that should count as-
Damian: no, no, absolutely fucking not Drake, you can't use that cop out-
Dick: -yeah, no, i call bullshit. Tim you have two, suck it up.
Jason: it really doesn't matter, literally none of you are going to even come close to beating me. i got the Todds, i got B, i got the Haywoods, i got Talia,
Tim, failing horrible at holding back laughter: yeah- yeah Jay, don't take this the wrong way but does anybody love you?
Jason: i- *wheeze* man fuck you Replacement-
Dick, also laughing: yeah- littlewing, at this point maybe you're the problem.
Jason: *cackles*
Tim: can we even count that as four though? surely if we're counting Jack and Janet as one because they're a couple then B and Talia should also be combined into one?
Damian: no, no, they should be separate. not only are they no longer together but they were attempting to parent completely separately. that's two.
Jason: yeah, fuck you! tryna lower my tally-
Tim: oh please, he's only agreeing with you so he has two instead of one!
Damian: i think you'll find i have way more than two, i far outrank you Drake.
Dick, giggling: sorry, sorry- you far outrank him at what, not being loved correctly?
Damian, fully seriously: i don't care how shit the competition is, Grayson. i'm fucking winning.
Tim: it's bullshit! you're literally the only one that wasn't adopted by somebody else! you have two at most Damian, stop lying.
Damian: well, no, because Todd should be one of mine.
Jason: EXCUSE ME?!
Dick: oooo~
Damian, raising his voice over the yells: LISTEN- listen. growing up in the league you were the only authorative male figure that was present in raising me before i came to Gotham. there is no way you wouldn't count on the board as a father figure.
Jason: NO, I'M NOT- i'm not fuckin' arguing that, you're my kid, end of. but how the fuck did i fail you?! i was great!
Damian: you literally passed me off to father and then disappeared for a year so you could go 'fuck shit up' with Arsenal and Starfire.
Dick: OOOO~
Jason: ...I- shut up Dick. I- *laughs* ok in my defence that was my version of a gap year-,
Damian: and it was my version of child neglect, you're going on the board.
Dick: suck it, littlewing!
Tim: *cackles*
Jason: yeah yeah- that's still only three for Damian, i'm still winning.
Damian: Grayson should also be on my board.
Dick: UM? HOLD ON-
Jason, instantly: OOOOOOOH, NOT FUCKIN' LAUGHIN' NOW, ARE WE GOLDEN BOY?
Dick: HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE HERE-
Tim, enjoying this way more than he should: no, no, Dick the kid has a point, you literally had custody of him when B was lost in the timestream, you definitely count.
Damian: i rest my case.
Dick: HOW THE FUCK DID I FAIL?
Jason: SUCKS TO SUCK DICKFACE.
Damian: you called me short that one time and it severely effected my self esteem. emotional abuse.
Jason: *cackles*
Damian: you also also passed me off to father again, so you are also complicit to his damaged attempt at parenting.
Bruce, offended: Damian-
Dick: what are you- YOU WERE TEN. YOU WERE SHORT. ALL TEN YEAR OLDS ARE SHORT.
Tim, instantly: Billy Batson.
Dick: WH- ok first of all, he's only tall part-time, and second of all THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS-
-
*Two-Face, across the street, listening to them yell through the open window of their stakeout spot*
Goon he was scheming with: ...sir, should we shoot at them or someth-?
Two-Face, holding up a finger: shh, i wanna see who wins.
