Occasionally you do need to just let fantasy be fantasy. “Why are the mountains around Mordor in a square, mountain ranges don’t work like that” well you see there’s an evil god who lives there hope this helps
I bet there’s at least one guy who uses a wheelchair who became a sneakerhead just for the laughs. Wearing pristine bright white brand shoes like “if you let your shoes touch the ground you’re a bitch. If you keep them on display and never wear them, you’re a coward. I’m the only one doing this correctly. Fuck you, get on my level.”
Lord of the rings from Saurons perspective is a fucking fever dream because he started by reforming his essence into some physical form in mirkwood and before he even has enough strength to feel that the ring was even in the same forest as him he gets chased off by a group of wizards and elves looking to fuck some shit up. There goes his plan to get a dragon on his side
So he holds up in mordor gathering a new army, and only after about a century is he strong enough to do cool magic shit again, by that time however the ring hadnt been used in decades so there were no whispers of it except oops we found this weird little fucker who keeps yelling about his fucking precious, better go check out “shire baggins” whatever the fuck that is
So he finds out a fucking hobbit has his ring which in middle earth terms is like finding out mr magoo has your fucking nuclear launch codes. So he starts sending wave after wave of his own men to get the ring and they keep failing cause this fucking hobbit has friends. He has his homie saruman send some uruk-hai to get them and then sends some goblins to make sure everything goes right but for no apparent reason they stop reporting in, (something about horses and trees?) so he sends a guy to ask saruman straight out wheres my fucking ring and saruman straight up lies about it. Next thing he hears saruman has launched an all our invasion of rohan with 10000 uruk-hai so rip the bronies right? Nope the next day his army is defeated and saruman has fucking vanished.
Confused as fuck now sauron gets a fucking phone call from a god damn hobbit (ITS YOU!) but all he gets out of the little sovereign citizen is some shit about “i do not answer questions” and next thing he hears the hobbit has gone to fucking gondor. Alright send fucking everything we got, take gondor do whatever it takes get my fucking ring back. And what does he have to worry about right? After all even if rohan helps he’ll still win. Wtf is that an army of ghosts???!?!?!?
So then hes sitting there with his diminished army trying to figure out his next plan of attack and he gets another fucking phone call from the god damn great grandson of the prick who cut off his ring in the first place. “Oi cunt i got ur ring and im gonna fuc u up m8!” *click*
Goody he thinks, this arrogant sob is gonna bring my ring right to me, time to throw everything i got at this bastard. So then the fight starts hes super excited cause hes clearly winning and OH DEAR GOD MY RING IS IN THE VOLCANO HOW THE FU- *dies*
Now hes a weird ghost thing that cant ever do anything but lament how big a prick he is
A character whose weapon is a gun with red dot sight laser, except the gun is just a dummy that’s been carved out of wood and sprayed black, with a laser pointer pen taped onto it. It’s obviously fake to any character who knows anything about firearms, and it’s always a gamble whether anyone who doesn’t know anything about guns is going to be fooled by it. But that’s the neat part: The gun isn’t the weapon.
This character has a familiar, a big cat beast that’s been trained to attack on command, attacking whatever the laser is pointed at.
the first rule of cooking is that there are no rules. anything goes do whatever you want forever. the first rule of baking is that if you fuck it up you die
god I wish I had a pair of menacing black gauntlets with really sharp fingertip claws I bet it feels good as fuck to have your hands resting palm-down on a surface and then scratch some deep fucking gashes into it as you clench your hand a little closer to a fist when your evil minion delivers some bad news to you
You make soup in a big bowl. You serve it in a smaller bowl. And then you convey it, using a spoon, to your mouth. But what is the spoon? Simply a smaller bowl still
