[Juny, 16. 2025 - 19°C ]

I GIVE UP LOVE

I did it again. I believed I was being loved when someone told me "I love you".

Just got back from a meeting with a person from my pass. Who I really loved, but disappeared for months then sent me a message. We went for a coffee and I tried to understand their point of view. End up understanding that I was wrong, and that the love that this person felt for me didn't die. Because it never existed. No, this person didn't send me a message because they realized they lost someone important and that they really care about and admire. But just because they got dump from a new person and wanted a hookup. My feelings made me easy for them. Made me a good option to fill the hole left for someone else.

Then I give up love. I realized I have more songs that represent my breakups than the love I shared with someone.

I'm conscious that I'm not the only person on earth that seeks true, honest and pure love, but it has been so exhausting trying to find someone like me. Even though I crave having someone next to me when I wake up, to spend Spring afternoons at parks, rainy days watching comfort movies, to put pictures on the walls, to be my company at social events and to make a cake for birthday, I got to the point I can't take it anymore. Talking to people for weeks then being ghosted. So many time wasted on dating apps and social media trying to be interesting and entertaining people that will stop talkin' to me for no reason. Always trying to make a perfect first date, pick up the perfect outfit, spending money on food and tickets for people that will get Home and block me.

I hope one day I will no longer think about the people in my past, just the same way they don't think about me. That the idea of someone touching their bodies and being the target of their affection won't cut my chest as it do now.

I hope one day the brotherly love of my dear friends will be enough for my heart and be the only love I need. That the books I read will provide all the good company I crave when I'm home. I will be capable of appreciating the hazed atmosphere of autumn without missing the smell of somebody's sweater and a hand to warm mine. I give up love.

Jun, 11 - 2024 I continue to learn French, but unfortunately, not with the same motivation as I did with English. I’d like to take this moment to emphasize how challenging a language with gendered nouns can be. Most of my studies consist of trying to understand and assimilate the genders of things and how to structure phrases based on them. Despite my native language assigning gender to nouns, it’s interesting to note that the same object often carries a different gender in French. It can be so confusing! However, the impact that learning English had on my life is so significant that I couldn’t refrain from studying a third language.

Also, a few weeks ago I finished reading Frankenstein. And it is surely one of the best books I have ever read. I couldn’t read it in English because the vocabulary is too advanced for me, but the translation made me fall in love with my native language again. The text is so beautiful, and so is the story, even though it’s sad and tragic. I dream of one day being capable of producing a piece of art like that. (Ernest is a final boy!)

Last Friday my friends and I hung out in the city center. It was wonderful exploring museums and historic churches.

[ Dec, 11 - 2023]

As the year comes to a close, I find myself in reflection about my journey through 2023. To my dismay, I've realized I haven't achieved as much as I'd hoped. Time seems to have slipped away swiftly, with January still lingering in my thoughts. Despite this, I'm optimistic about the upcoming year, setting ambitious goals and feeling a renewed sense of inspiration. I aspire to surpass the minimum, dedicating myself to learning until I'm genuinely proud, connecting with new people, and embracing experiences that will reshape me. I hope this spark of motivation not only stays but flourishes. My aim is to accomplish even more than last year, steering away from relying on trauma and pain as my driving force. 

By this way, when did I become this old???

Now I decided to drink 2L of water every day and to have sugar-free coffee. Danm, the things I do to prevent aging and to have a soft skin. I really hope it is worth it. Who would imagine I would be this person. That exercise and drinks water! Jokes a part, it's good to take care of myself. Now, I want to do more for my intellect. Spend more time studying, develop my abilits and get new ones.

A few days ago, I found my old Mp4! I was so happy for having this fragment of my childhood/preteen days. And it's so 00s! Just when I'm in this y2k vibe. Unfortunately, it's not working, but I managed to transfer the archives to my laptop. Now I'm making a Spotify playlist!

Also, I'm officially in a relationship! It's very important to me as a sign that I left my pass behind and moved on. It's amazing to have someone and to feel appreciated. Last weekend we attended a country party. It was great. He is so nice to everyone and seems so interested in meeting people from my life and the places I go. It's so fulfilling to be with someone who feels legitimately excited for being with me. And I have already been to his apartment one more time. I asked him to be my boyfriend while watching Mean Gils (LOL). His room is so comfortable, and I love the photos of his childhood on the desk and his souvenirs on the shelves. He was leaning on my chest, and I was playing with his hair. What a memory!

[May 30 - 2023]

During all the process of healing, I was fearing never to find love again. This time not because people wouldn't love me, but because I was feeling like I would never love anyone beyond the one who bro my heart. Surprisingly, a few months ago, I met this guy with his sense of humor, smartness and beautiful hair ressurrected my hopes over having a connection with someone. Last friday I went to his apartment and we had an amazing afternoon together. We played video games while cuddling and started watching a horror movie just to ignore it and start talking. Gosh, it's so easy to talk to him. I wish things work out for us, and I pray for my heart to be safe.

My friend added me to a group for IT learners. They are so nice, hilarious, and supportive there. It has been keeping me motivated. However, seeing them talk make me realize how little I know. And everything seems to be so complex! But I can't stop now. Amd I won't.

Unfortunately, I haven't been posting here frequently. I don't study as much as I used to do in 2020. I wish I could be as motivated as I was before. But it's also important to say that I'm still learning French. I'm not focusing on it as much as I should, but I'm doing a little every day. Consistency is the key! It's pretty nice to see that I already know a lot of words and that I can read some basic phrases.

I met a guy and I'm happy and terrified about it. He's the 1st one capable of making me excited for a date after the breakup I went through more than a year ago. And I'm not ready to have my heart broken again.

I told him it would be a better idea to be just bros, but it didn't take long for us to be kissing each other.

I can't help thinking about this new guy. He is just so funny and smart. Aren't the silly and cute ones the most dangerous?

One month since I started learning French. It's kind of a challenging language to learn. There are a lot of silent letters and phonemes that I'm not used to.

Even worse, the gender of a variety of words change in comparation to my native language.

However there are in French some similar words to Portuguese and English what helps a lot!

I have been using duolingo. I know, I know! Not the best way to learn, but this is my current strategy to build a basic vocabulary so I will be able to use a grammar book soon.

I've been enjoying the journey. I hope to take it as far as I did with English. I'm looking forward to the day I will be capable of writing a text in French or read memes or have a conversation.

Anyway I'm still Learning English.

Finally got back from my trip. I spent a good time in Minas Gerais. People are really kinda and nice there. I love how my friend's town mixes the best of a small town with some bohemian neighborhood. And their university is just astonishing and outstanding. I could spend a whole day at the library.

Also I had a cowboy moment! My friend's father managed to me to ride a horse. It was so nice of him and I had so mush fun.

Now I need to talk about the church. It's a big chapel blassed by the pope! Mesmerizing stained glasses and stunning architecture.

Well, this is the type of town that makes us want to move there and start our live all over again.

There is a new year just around the corner. Even tho this year was the hardest in terms of dealing with emotions I managed to have things done. I finally finished writing my book, I got my drive license, improved my body through working out, improved my spoken English, and at the very ending I started new good habits like learning French and using sunscreen lol

It's time to set new goals.

I hope I can do well in 2023

2022 have been teaching me a very difficult lesson. People will get out of my life. Important people. I will miss them a lot, but there is nothing I can do.

At the beginning of the year I went through this breakup. This showed me why people prefer physical injuries then emotional ones. I would prefer to have all the bones of my arm broken instead of dealing with this again. I'm still recovering. Feeling all the bruises. Unfortunately there is no painKiller. But time.

I also "lost" two close friend. They found love and personal projects. I think they are too busy for me now. We don't hang out or talk anymore. Once a month one of them send me a reel and that is all.

Seeing things from a good perspective... I've been learning to be the protagonist of my own live. I won't ever again beg for company and affection.

People seem to like me, but also to replace me easily. I should learn to do so. I don't mean to be mean, but I have to be better at goodbyes.

Maybe I'm too sensitive indeed. Like an artist, even though I can't do any type of art. In conclusion, it's just the crying with a bottle of wine part. Not cool.

Maybe by the end of the year I will be a little more... I can't think of any word. Tough? No, not this one. How do people say nowadays...? "main character"? Yeah, I think it fits.

It's time to finish this "Exposing myself & Oversharing" episode.

See ya in the next one. :)

My friend just turned 20 years old last week and I wrote her a letter. She's so important in my life and I'm trying to find a way to express it to her.

I have been going through that hard time and I made her a surprise by going to a meeting she inviting me without telling her I was attending. And her reaction when she saw me was priceless. The way she huged me sooo tight and for so long. And the way she said "OMG you are here!" repetedly...

Made me feel so important and lovable. In a period that I have been feeling so worthless. It probably was the most important hug of my life. I have to hold my tear when I think or write about it.

I just think she deserves the best in her life. And I hope she gets everything she wants.

Ps: I made her playlist hehe. Link below:

[tue, feb 01 - 2022]

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This week has been really hard to go through. Everyday has been the worst day ever, what makes me really concerned about tomorrow. It's already one and a half month since the broke up and all I do is get more sad, overwhelmed and hopeless. I feel cheap, easy replaceable and a joke.

I can't study and finish my essays 'cause it's impossible to concentrate on an intellectual activity. I can't watch movies because I don't pay attention to it. I can't listen to songs because every single song in the world is about him. I can't sleep, and when I do I dream about him. I'm feeling a terrible adult, I'm not capable of doing my chores. I hate myself for not being enough, for not being able to deal with my feelings like I were a toddler.

I hate life for never ever had given me the opportunity to live real love and connection with someone. For not having the same experiences that people already have at my age.

I tried everything to feel better and to be better. It's not like I haven't done my part. I really tried hard. There's nothing left to do, it's out of my hands and I can't avoid feeling miserable. He has already moved on, is probably making out with other people, and it doesn't make him a bad person. He is just being happy and free, while I will feel like this for the rest of the year. I know it, because it's the way I am. And I will probably be destroyed next year too. And I can't imagine how many scars I will carry on me.