:P

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
supernini235

Anonymous asked:

Top 10 tips to get sick please

diseases-for-center-control answered:

  1. Never wash your hands
  2. Never get a vaccine
  3. Never use a condom
  4. Never wear a mask
  5. Never wash your produce, but always wash your poultry
  6. Always try to pet wild critters that are acting weird
  7. Always expose your open wounds to miscellaneous gunks
  8. Live with multiple young children who go to school or daycare
  9. Live in a congregate setting like a dorm, jail, or care facility
  10. Mosquitoes.
yellowcatcallshome

Regarding number 7, can I use specific gunks instead? I can't seem to find miscellaneous at the store.

diseases-for-center-control

If you must. We recommend choosing a gunk with at least 20% blood or bodily fluids when available. Or try to get something with group A strep if you can.

supernini235
skellydun

Actual Phone Conversation I Had With A Girl Absolutely Going Through It This Morning:

me very quickly: hi this is dylan from x. how are you today? is now a good time to talk?

girl on the phone: what? oh you know! it's just work, work, work.

me: haha yeah! Just another busy Monday :)

girl on the phone i have known for exactly 11 seconds: sometimes i wish it would just stop. it's relentless. and it's every week! how many mondays can someone go through?

me trying to do my job: ha ha i know right? so I'm calling--

girl on the phone i have known for exactly 16 seconds: i'm so tired. i'm soooooo tired. shelby kept me up all night again. she will not get over keegan. they keep calling each other just to yell i swear to god.

me: only 4 days till the weekend and some sleep! :D

girl: yeah. but she's sleeping with me. at my house. didn't he tell you? who is going to get the dog? or the fucking 300 dollar blender I got them?

me: unfortunately no! so i would love to know more but the reason i'm calling is to get you scheduled for x job interview are you still interested?

girl whispering: what?

me awkwardly: it's...i'm dylan. from x. the x job you applied for. we would like to interview you for it.

girl: oh my god. no. oh my - I am so sorry. I thought you were my friend--I cannot believe--I told you work was relentless. I don't really mean that! I talked about blenders!

me: no, no I totally get it. It can be. But that's why you're interviewing for somewhere better! Tell Shelby to apply too! Do you have any availability on Thursday?