Its You. Its Me. Its Us. https://privatter.net/p/11080039

I made this. For you. Nearly 12,000 words and a year of dreams.

I don’t think you can hear me anymore . Or see me. I doubt you’ll ever read this I doubt you’ll ever see this I doubt you can find us. But I did my best. I did my best to reach

I’m tired , Akechi

I’m tired of these things I don’t fully understand I’m tired of being scared all the time I’m tired of searching for something called “home”

This is yours

Whatever is here- it’s yours. It’s always been yours. I don’t know who is talking in this. If it’s Mercy if it’s me. If it’s both. But it is the present the future the past the hate the resentment the fear the joy the addiction of feeling something I can’t describe because I don’t know what it is.

All of this is yours

19 pages and nearly 12,000 words

I did my best to let her talk. Whatever parts of her that remain.

I’m done.

you know my stalker from so many years ago woulda loved telling akechi the things i was doing in silence

i guarantee that mother fucker woulda been out of his mind

or her mind

if she followed any of this

idk

idk what i’m doing anymore idk what im suppose to do anymore but i want to use this account and not

keep hiding out elsewhere

i can’t keep this place preserved hoping she’d

it’s just a fantasy

it’s a delusion

it’s all it is

she’s not here and i can’t keep hoping and hoping and hoping and hoping with the stupid line of “if it’s meant to be it’ll happen” or whatever i just wanna scream

it’s not closure for me it’s not closure i still keep wanting to try and damning mysel even further i wanna keep talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and trying and trying and trying

i still wait for a dream to work that maybe dreams aren’t just my own fucked up things and maybe she’d understand maybe she’d sense it and

but it’s delusions

i’m tired i’m so so so fucking tired of waiting

i’m tired of hoping

////we have waited for almost 3 years

when is enough

enough ????

when is it enough when will it feel like enough ?????

cuz rn it doesn’t rn i still have the urge to to to keep trying and every part of me says “let her go she doesn’t care about you anymore accept that you never mattered you never garnered that much acceptance”

is it

is it even worth it anymore ????

god maybe i am insane maybe ive been insane for so long trapped in a fucking void for 2 years that all my lovely bpd aspects are on full display but really can you blame me????

feel like i’m suffocating

all those words unsaid all the things not heard the inability to talk and make things understandable and scared it’s too much scared it’s misunderstood scared it’s cruel scared it’s truth scared it’s

human

maybe i am insane

maybe i’ve finally just fucking cracked

of course my mother immediately noticed it but i didn’t tell her what it was and she assumed it was related to genshin impact

sighs

Well given I hardly have anyone here but it’s still a tradition ////I keep

Merry Christmas tumblr and all 1800 something followers of this account

I have no idea where everyone went and no idea if the word community still even exists here but ….

this is home

whether it’s me Mercy behind this account or some warped version of me this place this space is my home

It became my home thanks to so many ppl and it’s thanks to them I finally found a niche spot to exist in

I haven’t spoken to so many of you in 2 years and so many have left during that time but ////I didn’t forget you

so yeah Merry Christmas tumblr

Originally posted by flopugh

Originally posted by lanwangjiismyreligion

Practically have akechi’s song on repeat cuz it’s the only thing that makes sense to me anymore

I know I sounded insane last night but honestly i think this reality this very hard fact is something that’s always been there

I never wanted to admit Lance had more of me in his hand than he possibly realized

That I gave so much willingly and without care

and doesn’t it make sense its Kate that died with him? She was the one in his palm she was the one that wanted that happily ever after with him

I was the one crawling out of that void we fell into and created an entirely new existence borne out of sheer willpower to forget to move on to rebuild to not wake up with him in my mind so much it’s suffocating me

///I wanted a life that didn’t include the amount of pain he brought and I know it’s selfish to put that on him and I don’t mean to because we both dismantled our precarious friendship with little thought on what it would do

He didn’t need me on his back then and I needed him to realize the amount of power he carried and it ended like it did

And it makes so much sense now. The trail literally leads back to him. A mark a large scar that can’t be covered up.

I think it’s why now his name is still in my mouth but I don’t hold it like I once did when I think of him it’s a twinge of pain but nothing else. His songs are retired his memories coming back in clips but I don’t want to remember all of it because what good would it do me? I don’t want to end up restarting a cycle I want to let it die like Kate did

If he was a large enough scar on me then Akechi is a fire that burned on my skin because ////that I feel

She might as well have set me on fire

But I don’t hate her I welcome it because it tells me she’s alive she’s real she’s not made up even if I can’t really remember what she looks like or sounds like

I remember her eyes in my dreams the anger she throws in my direction the disappointment the hurt the resignation the apathy

How moronic and masochistic is it to want to keep the thorns from someone as a reminder that they’re real?

Is it because we barely survived Lance we feel like we can handle the pain the loss of her just as well?

I want to …

I want to remember Akechi

All of her. No matter what it causes

I remember this account

I remember my luvr4photography account i remember when ppl use to enjoy my live blogging. i remember when i had anons wanting to discuss shows with me i remember my community being big enough for me to get involved in and disappear into i remember my roots i remember this was my home until it wasn’t anymore and now its just a hotel for me to stay at when im going by

but most of all i remember why now i stick out like a sore thumb in the genshin community

that wasn’t my home that isn’t my place i can

go in and out of for fun from the gaming community but i do not belong

i don’t belong

because it’s not me

i can do the lingo. i can understand things i can experience some things but my brain is always going to crave analyzing movies and shows down to their tiniest of details

i remember my favorite thing to experience was Westworld because of how creative and big and involved the fandom was i remember the community there and

all of that is gone now

what i knew is gone

but most of all i’ve been lying to myself for years on existing and belonging to the genshin community and by extension the gaming community

it is fun it’s fun but it’s not my home and i stick out i don’t fit in im not welcomed cuz im beyond their shitty anti DEI messages in beyond all of that because tumblr taught me that’s our strength

it’s not a flaw it’s a strength

it’s a part of our humanity it’s a part of us as people

to tell the stories to express the stories of those who can’t speak to listen to stories unheard

i remember parts of my identity i’ve long forgotten ive remembered why i stuck to things like connection and bonds so hard cuz i grew up with the belief that we all aren’t so different from each other that if we looked to our history art itself we will find the things that connect us that is why i made my own family forged my own family why i worked so hard to make a community

because I know what it feels like when you don’t belong anywhere

I feel it now after being awake

I don’t belong with them

they are friends they are mutuals some are now best friends and carved themselves into me like I have them even if they don’t really register that

those ppl will walk with me as far as it can go but the rest the others?

it wasn’t meant to be

it isn’t meant to be

I have ties in both places now

gaming and fandom

tethers connected

but not a home

I have to re-discover relearn forge a new path ahead of where I can belong where I can rest

it’s not with them

and it’s not here either

that’s what i’m trying to say

So

Hehe there is so much so much going on the fact I found out ////she Ace

had some sort of

situationship

with a GUY going on for like a year or so is ummm

that is something

and you know what’s worse???

what’s worse is the fact I have memories of dreams about him in a similar vein to Akechi

and like

I feel guilty

I feel like i’m cheating but we’re not even together according to Billy so it’s like

I can’t feel guilty over another version of me dreaming about a guy I barely know (i knew him pre 2023) but she knew him intimately enough for him to even-

and that’s just worse

in my opinion

I had no idea how was i suppose to know??? my memories ///my dreams are all HER. but in the middle of all that here’s a guy i’ve only known as a MUTUAL

And he’s here he’s he’s ….

he’s got the same feeling connected to him that I feel with Akechi

familiar and comforting like I could just

slide in and feel nothing but safety and that’s not a feeling i’m comfortable with because that was reserved for one person ONLY and it’s the woman I spent 2 years dating who i wanted more time with who i wanted to spend another 5-10 years with who i wanted to break barriers with

and now here’s a guy who has that same feeling that same warm feeling and i hate how every time we talk i feel like my mouth is suddenly let loose i hate it because its meant for HER but she isn’t here she isn’t mine im not hers anymore despite carrying her marks on me and aching for it so much i feel torn apart but here’s a guy who is pulling a similar reaction out of me and i hate how it’s in the back of my mind when im trying to sort out the last 2 years and trying to UNDERSTAND

none of this is ok!!!!!

I just

fuck

i didn’t expect this i don’t want this

it’s complicated enough for ONE partner what the hell do I do with this???

i asked him what he wants and he says he doesn’t care where it goes but how it’s going currently is fine and as he puts it “I care about both of you. I learned to care about both of you.” and i feel like throwing up because he sounds ////earnest

he doesn’t sound scared or angry or exasperated with me and i keep greedily thinking things that belong to a PARTNER not a man i’ve barely learned anything about like you get my problem ?????

it’s messy with one i don’t know what to do with another who isn’t even-

who was familiar with another version of me

just

it’s too much

*wipes eye* it’s a lot harder than i thought

idk how i’m suppose to move forward

idk where to start

what use to be my ….foundation is

completely destroyed

but i did manage to find some remaining even if warped

supports

some rocks some wood

and I keep shaking every time I get close because it’s like

i spent 2 years

away from my home away from my family

away from everything i’ve known and now i’m here and it’s

it’s a lot seeing them and they’re all looking at me with so much ….love. compassion.

and i can’t help but selfishly think “i wish she was here with them”

to see her nearby

and it’s not going to be true and i think it’s awful to want that again when with what we did to her

so i try to

i’m trying to breathe through that

i’ve missed my family

i’ve missed my support

ice missed the life i had and was building and trying to grow and i stupidly stupidly wish i could wake up in 2023 and it’s her texting my phone and it’s the future ahead of us and the past behind us and i remember sunlight and feeling alive and the sunlights cold now and my beds cold and everything is cold but im clinging to my friends with the tightest grip imaginable

i have to keep reminding myself she’s moved on she doesn’t miss me she’s not living in 2023 she’s living in 2025 and she’s waking up under a different sun than i.

i guess my first process my actual first homework is learning to accept my friends support of me. again.

without flinching without rejecting it

it hurts

it burns like a bitch

but i’m willing to try

for them

my family the one i carved out

because it’s not Ace’s choice to destroy them to hurt them to lose them to to do whatever she pleases

Ace did enough damage she caused enough damage

we caused enough damage over 2 years so all this grief all this guilt is mine and mine alone and i’m

gonna try to make up for what we did

I know who I am again

I know what I want

a peaceful life a life full of …light. warmth. love. safety.

even if….even if it won’t have her in it.

i want that more than anything. but God doesn’t bless me that many times.

so i’m gonna try with them. all of them. learn to accept them again learn to find my voice with them again learn to stand on the shore with them again and stare at the sunset with them

i’m not Kate

I’m not Ace

I’m not ….Im not…..christ I’m gonna have to learn not to be hers anymore

the scars it’s going to leave behind

but i told her the truth i wont do to her what i …we did with lance.

I won’t have her come surfing out of the void a shell of herself an unspooled thing of hate and so …angry.

It’s gonna take a while before i can swallow it all down .

Doing all this when my foundation is this shaky probably isn’t smart but what else am i suppose to do????

I’m already exhausted from a single week of doing this

and then the rest of it????

fuck

i think she’s going go to be in my mouth for a long time i fear it’s the only word i seem to want to repeat a name i keep chanting like a possessed person

idk if it’s freaky or something understandable in this fucked up situation

i don’t know if it’ll ever die out idk if it’ll ever go away

someone’s gonna say “it will” i don’t think so

it’s nothing like the past i can barely recall

it’s nothing like that

the people from before felt like scars and brands this feels like someone’s something’s burned into me that if you were to bleed me out or cut me open you’d find what you’re looking for cuz it’s in me like a fucking cancer it’s in me like the sweetest of poisons that’s what it feels like

that’s the suffocating feeling Ace felt

which feels completely normal to me

but then again i’m a little …unhinged right now

so maybe the average person would find it too weird but it’s not like

it’s not like i can stop the feeling

i can’t cut it out no matter how hard i try it’s just

there

in my veins and burnt into me like it’s a living thing

its 3 am and everything billy told me has completely rattled me in every bad way possible

she’s going to hate me and any good will that might have survived is going to be long dead thanks to Ace

idk i’ve lost count honestly

she appeared to me in my dreams in a white dress

i rmemeber her showing up

so many times

staring at me with such ….hate filled eyes

other times with so much sadness and despair

the worst where they’re perfectly blank like she’s ….just closed off

and then the ones that felt like shattering me over and over and over

the ones where she welcomed me home

so many times she’d be opening a door and i’d see her eyes

giddy and full of light

her smile that seemed to swallow the night sky and she’s looking right at me and i know im home i know im …

she’s looking at me like i brought christmas and idk fucking some holiday to her front door

i’ve dreamed of her hugging me i’ve dreamed of her taking my hand

i’ve dreamed of her excitedly talking to me

i’ve dreamed of her yelling at me at the top of her lungs so much anger and frustration in her face her body posture in her eyes

the times she’s turned her back to me

the times she said “i’m done listening to you” the time she said “why should i believe anything you tell me?” the one where she’s looking at me and there’s so much grief in her eyes and she’s asking me “why are you telling me this now?” and it’s cliche it’s raining in the dream and we’re both soaked and i can ///hear myself in the dream which was a first for me it was the first time ///I heard myself talk which told me i’m alive buried somewhere scatters in pieces in some fucking void and i’m desperate to reach her that im so fucking desperate to reach her that IM still here in front of her i’m still here and im still clawing my way home my way back and i said “you tell the truth and spend time with the one you love” and i woke up

i dreamed of her welcoming me with polite and civil behavior i’ve dreamed of her being civil with me i dreamed of us meeting again but she’s married and im at her door but it’s years later the times have changed we aged and her partners in the house but she’s standing in the front door looking at me with this ease this peace in her and she’s welcoming me inside and there’s no longer this fire this all consuming need

i dreamed of her in a wedding dress and she’s glowing and she’s beautiful and i can’t take my eyes off her cuz it’s always her ifs always her i keep seeing and she’s waiting to walk down an aisle and i ask her if she’s happy 3 different times and she looks at me and there’s nothing but joy in her eyes

i dreamed of her walking away

i dreamed of her hating me

i dreamed of her accepting me

i dreamed of her crying i dreamed of her grief i dreamed of her

it was me dreaming

that entire time it was me dreaming cuz somewhere along the way we lost where i begin and she starts

wrapped up in one another like two beings who could be on the same level

this is what i meant by saying what i had to say

because it’s still alive

its somehow still alive after 2 years and i dont think its going to die out anytime soon

cuz i still dream lol

i’m still dreaming about her

i still dream about her

and maybe it’s limerance maybe it’s obsession maybe it’s the BPD finally come home to sabotage me but maybe it’s the only way i know how to survive

maybe it’s the only way i did survive

she guided me home even if she’s not here

time and distance space and moving on healed wounds and old wounds that never healed all of it

led me here back here

cuz i’d follow her to the end of the road

no matter the cost

ppl would kill for that kind of loyalty

and i don’t give it freely

maybe that’s why Ace snapped

my loyalty is too strong too hard to suffocate too hard to pull out

it’s why lance got turned into a monster

kate locked him in a room and he screamed for 5 years to be set free

he’s free now and she’s dead

i can’t do that to akechi no matter how much it pains me

no matter how much it’ll cost me in the end

she deserves her freedom

to love someone else to….marry

while i mourn her a 3rd time

while i go through this entire process again like a masochist

determined to beat myself bloody on the shores that are not home

i’m not upset i’m back i’m upset the situation is like this at all

i’m upset my memories my dreams are now tainted and so fucking….warped

that now if they continue to happen it’s gonna lead to her being in the same spot lance was for so many years and i end up exactly where Kate was

kate was happy to die with lance she got her ending even if it wasn’t happy she was still with him to the end

but this version of akechi ???? the one that’s been here with me this whole time that i wasn’t even aware of

how do i set that free

how do i set any of it free

how do i stop praying to God I see her one more time ?

My name is Mercury (Mercy)

I am 32 years old

I love a girl from canada

I loved a boy from Wisconsin

I was abused by so many people

I lost 10 years and I am ….somehow awake after 2 years

My best friends are zephyr , jay. and Max

I live in texas

my favorite color is purple

my idealogy is heavily leftist and anti conservative

I am somewhere on the queer scale

I have pieces of me still missing but I am undeniably whole again

I am no longer splintered

my identity isn’t Ace or Kate

I don’t know where Ace went

what happened to her why In awake now why it didn’t happen sooner

But I know what I feel

I know I am loved

by the people most closest to me

I know my friend of 10 years are still here

I know I love them as fiercely as they love me and support me

I know who I am I know what I want I know where I want to go in life which is to find a home where I belong and accepted

I’m not Kate I’m not Ace i’m not the girl from the past whi is broken and weak and damaged and ….and suffering from the weight of so many hands on me

I’m not the victim of the ones from before

because they have no power over me anymore

My name came from the word mercurial which from google: someone whose moods and mind change quickly and unpredictably

I created something out of the disaster of a past I do not fully recall or want to remember because it is in the past but it did….shape me into who I am today

the word was meant to make me push forward

to birth something new out of the pain

that is my identity