1. |
XOXO
02:51
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Trying to be present lately
Taking walks around the neighborhood
27 just a baby
So much in this life that I could do
The other day I had this fantasy
What if you and me we had a kid
Two moms make a real fucking baddie
Tell me what you don’t say but you think
When I’m alone I go fucking crazy
Conjuring a demon in my room
If Austin knew me now he would hate me
XOXO, feel better soon
Did you hear I’m a nepo-baby
I am mother nature’s favorite kid
Even then I knew I would make it
Driving 65 in my Sportage
When I’m alone I go fucking crazy
Conjuring a demon in my room
If Chris O. knew me now he would hate me
XOXO, feel better soon
When I’m alone I go fucking crazy
Conjuring a demon with the moon
RIP the girl I was playing
XOXO, feel better soon
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2. |
Nic
03:53
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Your eyes glowed red like a fly’s
When I drank from your glass
I wanted you more than life
So we made a pact
I gave so you would give
I made you cum then you vaped some Nic
Watched 8 1/2 then ate cake from the fridge
The heart expands and the contracts
The heart expands and the contracts
I said I didn’t need anything
Tied me up in apple chargers
Tried to make something bruise
I lay there as if it wasn’t
Something I’d put you up to
Told me you had one main problem
Called it indifference
Everyone tells you who they are
If you’re listening
I gave so you would give
I made you cum then you vaped some Nic
Watched the sun rise from your daddy’s crib
The heart expands and the heart contracts
The heart expands and the heart contracts
I said I didn’t need anything
Tucked myself tight into bed
But I can’t sleep at all
A spider’s spinning her web
Toward her a beetle crawls
Can you ever be honest at the end
You have no real love to give
I don’t need more friends
You have no real love to give
You have no real love to give
You have no real love to give
And I don’t need more friends
I gave so you would give
I said buy more when you wanted to quit
I’ve never been selfless
The heart expands and the contracts
The heart expands and the contracts
I still needed oxygen
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3. |
Cult in Denver
02:09
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How could anyone be like you are to me
How could anyone be like you are to me
Waiting for another one
Maybe it’s the big one
Called off the date cause
I didn't think we’d have fun
How could I let you in
I wake up gasping every morning
How could anyone be like you are to me
How could anyone be like you are to me
My OCD
Come see it in 3D
Says you’re too short for me
And I don’t like your teeth
Yeah I’ve gone crazy
Two times before
Once in London
Once at a cult in Denver
How could anyone be like you are to me
How could anyone be like you are to me
How could I let you in
I wake up gasping every morning
How could anyone be like you are to me
How could anyone be like you are to me
How could anyone be like you are to me
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4. |
Stanley
02:53
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Going nowhere, going nowhere
Got two hands and no one to hold them
White noise, schadenfreude
Facebook messaged for a brand new toy
I wanna be tough but I wanna be coy
I wanna be you when you look like a boy
Met up to read at the bookstore cafe
I knew I was gonna overstay
I said I had to go, got in the car and drove
Back to my blue bungalow
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Got two hands and no one to hold them
I walked the plank, I mean I went to the bank
I had a hot matcha and a heart attack
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Got two hands and no one to hold them
On the plane I saw this message
Some woman Jess had texted
“Stanley sits and Stanley drinks
When he takes off his shoes he stinks
He’s going nowhere going nowhere
Got two red eyes and a bottle of ‘rona
I got two hands and no one to hold them!”
I wanna be myself I wanna be someone else
I wanna be with you but I’m stuck on this shelf
I talk to myself when I wanna talk to you
I wanna be somewhere I’m not stuck like glue to the wall
Wanna remember I’m green
Remember I’m spring
Remember I’m queen
Remember “We love you”
Remember I’m anthropomorphizing goddammit…
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Got two hands and no one to hold them
(Going nowhere, going nowhere)
I washed my clothes but I don’t wanna fold them
(Going nowhere, going nowhere)
Making online friends playing Texas Hold‘em
(Going nowhere, going nowhere)
Got two hands and no one to hold them
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5. |
Fish Pills
02:42
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What do I do do I double my dose
I don’t wanna end up comatose
Screaming in the streets at another protest
Aaron’s on fire, no one’s noticed
All these years the doctors said nothing’s wrong
Not the witch doctor who fed me fish pills to make me strong…
Not the OBGYN who didn’t know I wasn’t eating and gave me a long speech on relaxation and reading
Now I’m finished with the novel and I’m working on my thesis
Yeah I’m finished with the novel and I’m working on my thesis
What do I do do I double my dose
I don’t wanna end up comatose
Sucking off guys who love when I choke
Ha ha ha I’m a real big joke
All those years my mom said that nothings wrong
It’s okay to wanna be skinny and wear your blond hair long
I could help you lose a little weight, be a waif, it could even help me with a tad of self hate
If you get a little thinner you could be a movie star
Who wouldn’t want to be a pretty little movie star
What do I do do I double my dose
I don’t wanna end up comatose
Mom wouldn’t say it but she’s gone broke
Her accountant called I’m not picking up the phone
All these years I’ve known that somethings wrong
All these years I’ve known that somethings wrong
Now somethings really wrong with me
Yeah somethings really wrong
I’m feeling bad, bad, bad, bad, bad
I’m feeling bad, bad, bad, bad, bad
What do I do do I double my dose
I don’t wanna end up comatose
I’d like to laugh at a real good joke
I’d like to kiss then take things slow
I’d like to love you if you’d let me
I’d like to love myself cause I’m finally getting in
Leonard Cohen said it’s the cracks that let the light in
But what if you crack up before the light gets in
What do I do do I double my dose
I don’t wanna end up comatose
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6. |
Proton Electron Photon
01:38
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Proton electron photon
Clock stopped, hair white blonde
Who am I without the wallet I lost
Sit and wait for something to come
I belong to the rain and the mouth of the gun
I am not real the pills haven't kicked in
I’m not responding but I am still thinking
Proton electron photon
Clock stopped hair white gone
Who am I without a feeling of longing
There’s this gap where I should belong
I’m around people and something is wrong
I want to be honest but I want to be strong
When I am not real, I am a song
I am a song
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7. |
Blood Love & Blessings
03:01
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Saw a movie with my ex
No one’s like Madison she is the best
I cried at the gore, accidentally grabbed her leg
I can’t do blood, love, or friendship
Grandma’s birthday, I’m her present
At a place called Long View you can smell the dementia
Looking that far off set me right on a precipice
I can’t do blood, love, or fresh cut hedges
Got some Reiki to clear my head
This doctor stood there for about twenty seconds
Then she rushed out, scared by what she’d witnessed
Wouldn’t say what she saw just there was cobalt in her vision
In her vision
My class prayed for me to get better
After I passed out during hospital testing
That woman wasn’t a doctor she was more expensive
I can’t do blood, love, or blessings
Ellie’s friend Nikko opened a letter
Four months after cancer killed their mother
They owe a quarter of a million dollars
Turns out death isn’t something Medicare covers
I hate my life
I hate the feds
Hate waking up
Hate making my own bed
I should be grateful
I’m such a bitch
Not even original
Cause my mom said it
Oh I should be grateful
I’m such a bitch
I called my grandma
I asked her this
Does it get better
Or just different
Cause I can’t do blood, love, or any of this shit
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8. |
Nude #9
03:16
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I’m scared of the light and I’m scared of the dark
I’m scared of you when you open your arms
I don’t want to know what it feels like to watch me leave
Standing on the back porch of our apartment screaming
I’ve never known a love that is good
But now I think I could find something beautiful
I feel it inside
I’m scared of white columns, I’m scared of that house
I’m scared of Rebecca, her bra on the couch
I don’t wanna know what it feels like to watch me leave
Standing on the back porch of our apartment screaming
I wrote you this song but it’s a lie
The truth always takes me some time
But now I think I could write you something real
I’m scared of my childhood, all that nude art
I’m scared of your necklace, having half of your heart
I don’t wanna know what it feels like to watch me leave
Standing on the back porch of our apartment screaming
A curse is a curse and a prize
Behind the curtain’s the highest price
I’m taking off my clothes with my eyes open
I’m scared of the light and I’m scared of the dark
I’m scared of you when you open your arms
I don’t want to know what it feels like to watch you leave
I don’t want to know what it feels like to watch you leave
I don’t want to know what it feels like to watch you
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9. |
Heaven
03:41
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Can’t sleep tonight
My mind’s gone running
There’s a racetrack in there
And I can’t stop going
Heaven is a place that you can’t see
Heaven is a place that’s real to me
Heaven’s always closer than it seems
And lately it seems really close to me
When I was eleven
My mom drove through a wall
One inch to the left and
it would have make the whole building fall
She told me I was her angel
I had prevented the worst
But where are all the other angels
Stopping strangers from getting hurt
Heaven is a place that you can’t see
Heaven is a place that’s real to me
Heaven’s always closer than it seems
And lately it seems really close to me
In college I blew this guy
For over an hour
My knees got bruises
I took a long hot shower
When we met up years later
He said he thinks about it to this day
He asked if I do too and I said Yeah
But not in the same way
Heaven is a place that you can’t see
Heaven is a place that’s real to me
Heaven’s always closer than it seems
And lately it seems really close to me
Almost died in London
Ectopic pregnancy
Chris flew out the same day
Though I said I don’t want you here with me
He stayed up all night crying
Till I said is there someone you can call
I have surgery in the morning
And I’m scared I’m gonna die is all
Heaven is a place that you can’t see
Heaven is a place on earth to me
Heaven’s always realer than you think
And lately it seems pretty real to me
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10. |
Daddy Long Legs
04:49
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Albatross over water
Cancer in my father
How could anyone leave their daughter
Hollow mind, hollow mind
Had a sex dream at the hospital
Couldn’t think of any friend to talk to
All the vending machines vended doctors
Hollow mind, hollow mind
Sang a song for you thought you’d like it
But you sat still, unsmiling
Said, “Never write a song about me.”
Hollow mind, hollow mind
Yeah you showed me your favorite spider
Guess we both miss our childhoods
Mom’s looking at Olivia Wilde
Hollow mind, hollow mind
I’m two beers deep at this party
I could call you but I don’t want to
How can anyone love their daughter
Hollow mind, hollow mind
Mind
Daddy long legs,
Remember diners?
Belgian waffles, you and mom fighting
When you were my age you were enlightened
So I sit here trying, trying
Hollow mind, mind hollow
Mind hollow, mind hollow
Mind hollow, mind hollow
My hollow, my hollow
My hollow
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Camille Schmidt Brooklyn, New York
Cult leader (brooklyn-based songwriter)
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