sweetgreen marketing team I know what you are

remember guys. your new year’s resolution doesn’t have to be anything insane. two years ago mine was eat more protein. last year it was use a whole sheet of stamps. this year it’s going to be get better at putting on lotion.

being home for christmas at your parents house in your mid twenties is so odd.

hello again my fellow friends, romans and countrymen. we once again find ourselves here, a year later and quite a few dollars short, smack in the middle of the ol month of december with an impossible task upon my hands once again: make the walnut cake. for christmas eve.

“again?” you might be asking.

yes my fellow friend, roman, and/or countryman, again.

you see, last year, my great aunt, who is still very much alive in case you were wondering, told all of us that she was Done doing christmas eve and it was Up To Us now. so her two nieces (my mom and my aunt, one a non practicing catholic and the other a practicing jew) scrambled to throw together an acceptable ukrainian christmas eve. as you may have figured out, this is not a religious expedition. this is for the vibes and the lore and the family tradition but, most importantly, for the Food.

since my great aunt is actually the only one of us to have lived in ukraine, we kinda just do what she does. and over the years things have been Severely Paired Back. it’s far from the whole shebang. and if you’re about to snoot your Lore Accurate Eastern European Christmas all over my post, let me remind you that this is My family tradition and Not Yours. :)

so. what was thrown together last year was:

course 1: borscht with vushka. and also challah. unsure where the challah has come from but we’ve had it for years

course 2: fried flounder. with horseradish sauce.

course 3: pierogi. of the regular and the sauerkraut varieties. too much sour cream. (regrettably there were no holubsti. i personally was annoyed by this. and someone also forgot to make mushroom sauce. i was also annoyed about this.)

course 4: Dessert. which was a confusing array of compote (bad), various cookies (okay), several bad attempts at kutia (upsetting because it has been made in previous years By The Same People with great success) and. most importantly. the walnut cake. my walnut cake. for christmas eve.

if you are new here. I was entrusted with my great aunts walnut cake recipe when i was roughly 16. i have made it exactly three times. once i fucked up the frosting. once i fucked up the cake. and once i had a panic attack and fucked up the frosting and Nearly the cake. that was last year. we do not speak of last year.

but. if you will look at the array of food, you will see that it is not exactly the most traditional spread out there. so we needed Something. Something to ground us in at least a semblance of tradition and the notion of years past. something that would make you forget about the disappointing lack of holubsti. and mushroom sauce.

and thus. the need for walnut cake. for christmas eve.

so. my mother called me on tuesday. as mothers do. the topic of discussion?

The Christmas Eve Food.

i was already shaking at the prospect of walnut cake. for christmas eve. but i stayed quiet.

first. my mother proposed frozen pierogi from whole foods as the pierogi. which. i have had before. they are fine. but they are Not Fine for christmas eve. christmas eve is a time for watching your cousins try to eat as many dense little pierogi from the polish market as they can.

eventually she says that they will get the polish market pierogis. i consider this a win.

then she moves on to holubsti. i loudly voice my opinion that they be present. i am assured that my aunt is making them. i am thrilled with this information.

next up she debates the merit of fried flounder. fried flounder is a staple. she proposes perhaps salmon. which we did used to do. i say this would be acceptable. i do not really care about the fish since we now have holubsti.

then. the dreaded words.

“so you’re coming home on the 21st? will you have time to make the walnut cake? is that something you want to do?”

i pause. a long and very pregnant pause. pregnant with the fact that my mom had not thirty minutes earlier proposed whole foods pierogi at our christmas eve. i consider saying no. then i remember that that means no one will make the walnut cake. for christmas eve.

unfortunately. i yearn for walnut cake and also redemption.

“i can make the walnut cake,” i say.

“great!” my mother says.

then, for some unknown reason, she asks about the frosting.

“what do you put in the frosting? is it cognac? rum? what do you use?”

i am utterly taken aback because, if you remember last year, my great aunt gave me a shot of her $300 cognac to put in the frosting. i brought it home and my mom was Outraged because she’s never liked the cognac in the frosting. (a fair point). so the shot of $300 cognac sat on the kitchen sink until someone dumped it out on new years eve. because none of us drink.

that has been another improvement this year. i have ventured into bad screw top wine. unsure if this is good or bad for the walnut cake. but i digress. my terrible taste in mediocre wine has nothing to do with top shelf cognac or even walnut cake.

“well mom,” i say, because i am a stickler for setting the record straight. “last year great aunt gave me a shot of her $300 cognac and you told me not to put it in. so it sat on our sink and i think you dumped it.”

“oh.” she does not remember this at all. “well. i don’t care. we can get some of her cognac.”

fantastic. a new variable.

“okay,” i say. because what else is there to say? i am now plagued by the walnut cake. for christmas eve.

this was three days ago. i have had three nights of nightmares of walnut cake. for christmas eve. that i have to make.

perhaps i should bring some mediocre screw top wine home with me. perhaps that will help.

iykyk