Brain empty except for the scenario where Superman and Batman have to meet somewhere, either on a rooftop or at the Watchtower and Bruce is stood there, black cape making him look more dark blob than human and Clark appears, glad to see his friend despite the circumstances. He's about to greet him when... oh boy, is Clark confused as a donkey at the derby because... He knows Bruce's heartbeat like the back of his hand but is that a second heartbeat he hears? Now, Clark has been warned by Ma Kent about accidentally revealing pregnancies after he did it a few times as a small boy and to mind his business so instinctively he just shuts up and says nothing. He and Bruce get the business discussed and the Bat takes off. Clark doesn't want to pry but he can't help but wonder if he was wrong and Bruce isn't 100% human and he's actually pregnant somehow.

Cue Clark being attentive to Bruce when they're at the Watchtower, telling him to sit down or offering him food or water or asking him whether he's rested. Bruce is used to Clark acting like an excited golden retriever but he's in a bad mood and he's in no form to deal with Clark fussing so he snaps and asks Clark what his problem is.

Clark, guilty that the whole JL is about to hear the happy news this way: It is just... well, you're expecting, aren't you? And I just-
Bruce: Expecting what?
Clark: A baby?
The JL: ...
Dick, poking his head out of Bruce's cape, staring up at his dad: YOU'RE HAVING A BABY?

Interviewer, catching Damian in costume: Robin! Can you explain the process of picking up Robin or passing on the mantle?

Damian, mildly annoyed at Bruce at the moment: It's quite simple. Batmam steals young children from their bed, usually nine or ten or so. Then he takes you to his lair and give you a deal.

Damian: If you can beat him in a game of your choosing, he will train you to be Robin. If you lose, you are eaten. I beat him in a classic fencing game. He's quite good with swords, but he wasn't very good with the sport itself.

Tim, standing next to him: Yeah, I beat him at a memory card game. I like totally cheated, but I'm too old for him to eat now, so ot doesn't matter.

Damian, nodding: Yes. The worst part of the job is disposing of failed Robins bones. He usually sucks them clean and leaves them all over the floor.

Tim: Yeah, its messy. But after you hit, like 15 he stops trying to eat you, so that's cool.

Damian: I have not yet reached 15. I'm still in danger. If you have more questions, ask Nightwing, as he was the first to avoid being eaten.

-

Same interviewer, at a different date: Mr. Nightwing. Is it true Batman tries to eat potential Robins?

Dick, who has no idea what she's taking about: Yeah, it's really scary. His jaw unhinges like a snake.

webp. more like wet ppee.

also on bsky

Nothing is funnier to me than ppl with rly wild jobs still just being people and having long tired mornings like everyone else. Just heard a doctor in the lab say “I have to go do some cloning” with the same level of enthusiasm I use to say I’m gonna do the dishes.

Batfamily headcannons but as shit my brothers, dad and I do and have said:
___

Jason: So, when really thinking about it, out of all the league members, Wonder Woman is the best

Tim: Jay, wha-

Jason: *still talking about wonder woman while getting up and grabbing a knife in the kitchen and sitting with it for no reason*

Tim: Yeah... uhm sure *slowly backs away*

Jason: *Pauses - notices Tim backing away, the knife in his hand and the lime he had picked up in his other hand*

Jason:

Tim:

Jason: >:) *starts creepily following Tim while slowly cutting the lime*

Tim: Dick! Jason is threatening me!

___

*in the airport, in line to board the plane*

Bruce: *turns too his hoard of children and very much unplanned says* Remember, Keep it secret...

Dick, Jason, Tim, Damian, and any other child: Keep it safe.

(they had watched lord of the rings two days prior)

___

Tim: I can scream louder

Damian: No, I can

Tim and Damian: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Tim: wait, lets harmonize

Tim and Damian: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *But now it's pretty*

Jason from somewhere upstairs: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

___

Dick: Jason can do a really good Pigeon impression, Jason go

Jason: what no, why would I- *proceeds to do a perfect pigeon impression*

Jason: But when I went to france they sounded different so it was more like *proceeds to do perfect pigeon impression with apparently a french accent*

Dick: See?!

Random Gala person: What the hell?

___

Damian: I have a crush.

Jason and Tim: WHAT?!

Damian: Yes, it is normal, now, do not tell Grayson

Tim: Why?

Damian: Because I'm going to taunt him for the next month that I have something big to tell him but that I shouldn't

Jason: You're mean and I love it.

Tim: I thought Dick was your favorite?

Damian: Exactly which means I must treat him as a brother should through sheer annoyance.

*later*

Dick: Dammmiiiiii it's been weeks, come on!!

Jason and Tim smirking: Honestly it's huge news Dick but he probably shouldn't say anything.

Dick: wait..... YOU GUYS KNOW??? WHAT IS IT???

Jason, Tim, and Damian: >:)

___

Enjoy me imparting my families chaos upon their's

Nightwing: I wish I was an only child again..

Red Hood: and I wish I was dead again..

Nightwing *looks at him*

Red Hood *preparing to be scolded*

Nightwing:

Red hood:

Nightwing:

Nightwing *quietly*: damn never mind forgot I had more siblings *walks away*

Red Hood:

Red Hood: Was he- were you actually considering killing me-

I had a really bad migraine last night, but I've run out of everything except these hungarian pain killers my dad gave me 9 years ago, anyway I don't remember anything and I can't feel my tongue and the only thing in my search history is this

Just found out there's a group on inaturalist dedicated to showcasing the silliest observations

Bruce: Today I realised I'm old

Clark: What happened?

Bruce: I fell in the kitchen and instead of laughing, all my kids came running to see if I was ok

Clark:

Bruce: I saw fear in their eyes