Your kid probably already knows about sex. Despite your most careful efforts, they probably have figured it out at least a little bit.
My aunt was pregnant with my cousin when I was 4. My other cousin gave us a kitten because his female cat ‘got out of the barn’ when i was 5, and i had to learn what 'spaying’ was. It was rumored (correctly) that I was a lesbian when I was 7. When I was 9, a couple of boys on my bus were gawking at a playboy one of them stole from their dad.
When I was 11, I was friends with a girl who was a victim of sexual abuse from a family member. My parents gave me 'the talk’, which was largely about consent and why bodies are weird. I watched “Revenge of the Nerds.” When I was 12, I was friends with someone who wrote rape fantasies. I learned what hentai was. I learned what a furry was (though i have a more nuanced understanding of it now). When I was 13, I was told by a classmate that I seemed like the kind of person to (extremely graphic description of a bdsm kink that I didnt know existed.) My church gave me 'the talk,’ which was largely about STIs and why you shouldnt have sex til youre married. My school also gave me 'the talk,’ which was largely about the names of body parts and what pregnancy is like. I saw a South Park episode. I saw some John Hughes movies. I watched a friend deep-throat a banana as a joke. Crime procedurals were on TV. When I was 15, most of my friends were on fanfiction.net and livejournal (I am old) or roleplaying through online forums. I learned what yaoi was. One of my friends had a restraining order on her ex for stalking.
At 16, I was largely inexperienced with sex- had never been on a date due to a complicated relationship with the closet. But it seemed everyone else had quite a bit of experience, whether good or bad or neutral. So I learned some things this way.
When we talk about banning books for being 'sexually explicit,’ my mind goes to “Speak,” by Laurie Halse Anderson- which is about a teenage rape survivor. One of the reasons for its banning is that it includes the rape scene, but the narration fades to black before it becomes graphic.
I read that when I was 13, and it made me think of Sasha- my friend who was a SA victim at the age of 11 and who knew how long it had gone on, who dropped off my radar after 5th grade. And I would think about that book again and again every time I would make a friend with that kind of story (surprisingly often.)
So… all of this. All of this gets revisited when we talk about purity culture, when we talk about 'sexually explicit books with minors,’ when we talk about 'protecting their innocence.’
I, a nerd that never went to parties, was not the target audience for this book- even if it helped me relate.
The target audience was Sasha. Or Kelsey. Or Nicole.
And here I am, arguing with some asshole on the internet who probably calls himself a 'protector of children’ by supporting drag bans and book bans and defunding planned parenthood, because he thinks that a young adult book about navigating toxic relationships that has the words 'hand on my thigh’ in it should be banned because thats 'sexually explicit’ and I’m tired.
Your kid probably knows about sex. Through friends at school, through family members, through observation. I think its okay to let them read books where the lesson is that they’re allowed to say 'no’ to it.
This, by the way, applies to a host of 'inappropriate topics’ that books get banned over.
The book about drug addiction might not be for you, but it is for the kid whose dad is in and out of rehab.
The book about child trafficking might not be for you, but it might be for the kid whose cousin disappeared one day.
The book about the school shooting will likely not make your kid a school shooter, but it will provide understand for the kids who have been through one.
The book about racism isnt supposed to make you feel bad for being white- its supposed to help the kid that feels bad for being black.
The book about a gay kid wont turn your kid gay, but it might help the kid who needs to come out.
The book about the transgender kid probably wont make your kid trans, but it will give a voice to the kid that already is.
Your kid probably knows these things if they’ve interacted with the world outside their nuclear family at all. If youre looking at a reading list and thinking that the books should be banned, it might be prudent to instead ask yourself 'who is this book written for?’
