can I say something extremely controversial man…they’re trying to roll back gay marriage and they’ve already decimated trans rights in the US and UK and they’re censoring government agencies and if your primary engagement with the queer community is calling negative sentiment against male/female couples biphobia your time may be better served by helping Oprah as she pursues Dr. Phil on a ship across the arctic. Like she’s out in subzero waters by herself and we all just let her do it. That’s gotta weigh heavy on your conscience. I know it does on mine
My conduct this year landed me on Santa Claus’s fabled and controversial “Kill-at-all-Costs” List. Turns out the reason the big man and his people don’t exercise that option more often is that they really aren’t good at following through on it. Well outside their core competency. He’s delegated to the elves, and they’ve got this ingrained assembly-line mindset that doesn’t translate at all to the adaptable and fluid mindset needed for siege breaking. They just haven’t adjusted their playbook at all from when they’re doing rote deliveries. Armed Elves have been rappelling down my chimney one at a time into the roaring fire I’ve kept going nonstop for the last week. They haven’t even thought to try my front door yet. Whole house smells like peppermint, which it turns out is what burnt elf meat smells like. Thought I was being super clever putting cyanide-laced almond milk out with the cookies as a last line of defense, but none of them have made it even the scant few feet to the side table where that’s sitting. At the rate things are going the real danger is that I’m gonna forget what I did with that and accidentally drink it myself while I’m watching the show
Part of what I think is going on is that the fire and elf-infused smoke is fucking with the pheromone trails they lay down to tell other elves where it is and isn’t safe to walk, hence why they’re all just lemming it up like this. My buddy at fish and wildlife told me that it’s sad but I’m legally in the clear as long as I don’t cause undue injury to a fertile queen, and obviously they couldn’t fit one of those in a sleigh. So ecologically my hands are clean
lesbian texting their straight guy friends: it genuinely worries me that people are going to start with Vineland and get turned off to Pynchon forever. it’s not even that challenging but it’s like…others from him are so superior in basically every way?? this happened with Inherent Vice too like ok let’s all KILL OURSELVES
lesbian texting their bisexual guy friends: Omg hiii I actually do not know anyone who would be a good fit to run in bar marketing for the doritos infused tequila but thank you for thinking of me!! Are you still doing the MFA???
lesbian texting their gay guy friends: Of COURSE you can have my french onion soup recipe. Don’t worry.
lesbian texting their straight girl friends: that hang was sooo needed. genuinely think this is going to be your year 🫶 seriously I mean it.
lesbian texting their bisexual girl friends: I know. I feel the same way—that this is the year my father’s corpse, which I drag with me on my back every winter, finally stops keeping me warm.
lesbian texting their lesbian girl friends: do you think Tim Roth from Reservoir Dogs is a woman
