I got a tarot reading from a trusted friend on the side of the PCH, just North of Santa Cruz at a highway side Brewery. The clouds had cleared and the light permeated and lit the bar in a dreary glow, then dissolved the sheen of gray with an eclipse of vibrant color. I pulled six cards from the deck; past, present future, and mind, body, and soul. In all my earnest efforts, I find myself treading water as the glow of recent milestones fades out into the dread of circumstance. I find familiar taxations and unresolved quarrels in the walls of my bedroom, and a sinking lonesome in my sexuality and carnal need for sensual woe. The cards I pulled to her interpret verbalized my own thoughts through a mouth that wasn’t mine. They said “something has to change.”
And by God I need it. It called out the anguish and the disconnect in where my mind floats, my body lies still, and my soul hungers out from the binds of such disgruntled tranquility. A nature of my being harbinged my cruel desire for self punishment, for need without prosper.
We let the feeling rush over me, and we climbed a hill, walked under a fence, and watched the sun fall beneath a haze of cloud clover.