forgetfulness is wild because sometimes its “oops silly me i left the house without my wallet again” and sometimes its “my friend is trying to reminisce on a thing we did together and the fact its jogging nothing in my brain is genuinely kind of distressing”
someone dropped a roofing tile on my favourite knights head while she was out doing chivarlic shit and now shes got to rest a lot and struggles with speaking sometimes and shes so so tired too and i gotta take care of her. and the fact that she needs me to take care of her seems to displease her more than anything else about the injury
she was crying today. she might not be able to ride a horse again. she doesnt know whatll happen to her. what if she just. dies randomly one day. i dont know how to comfort her. i lied together with her in her sickbed. thisd be an insane breach of courtly ettiquete. she attempted to tell me that im doing that and imply that i should leave. when i attempted to she held on. we lied like that for a while. she tried to say something but she kept not being able to remember the world. she was getting mad at herself for it. i gently told her to just leave it and not say it. and not get mad at herself. i think she wouldve given me a less dire expression if i sent her out to die.
my favourite girlknight has went outside today for the first time since its happened. she was trying not to cry. when i asked her though she wanted to stay outside. a bit later despite her poor balance she got on her horse. she was still felt a bit unsure on it but. she did laugh. i come to her chambers every night now. the pain has become different. it still takes her out of everything, she tells me, occasionally stopping to snap her fingers to try and remember the next word, but its something to be lived with. the resentment she had for asking for help has melted into a sort of shyness, stiltedness and constant apologising. “it wouldnt be beffiting of a knight to ask my lady for anything” - she says, clearly intending to put in a “but” after thar. she stops and struggles to figure out how to phrase that in a way that matches how a knight is supposed to talk to a royal. she puts together some tortured construction of exalting how virtuous itd be of me if i did this for her. shes about to say how much she doesnt deserve it. she hasnt even told me what she wants from me. i cut her off to ask her directly
she stammers out “could. could your majesty please read me a book. i was. i was never taught to read strongly. and im in no condition to do it now. the pain is dull and long and i’d like to have something other besides it”
choosing to allocate spoons to hanging out and having a good time at the cost of perfectly completing all your work is not a failing it is in fact an act of survival. “too sick to work = too sick to play” is in fact ableist bullshit that you don’t have to buy into. and the fact that leisure time is treated like a privilege is a fucking travesty
Everyone on tumblr has Conditions. maladies. I log onto tumblr and my mutuals are unwellposting. Conditions I didn’t even know existed and sound like dark curses but I will see a post from friend like “died about 60% today, fine now. Made egg on toast #yummytoast”. There are so many people in this world with life experiences
Being neurodivergent and chronically ill is crazy because you already have issues with executive functions and then your body hinders you even more. AND your sensory issues are heightened by the pain you feel.
Just downloaded and started using the visible app you’re using here and let me tell you, it looks like a game changer for me. I’ve been using a fitness tracker and a period tracker for these things and, while being better than nothing, they aren’t great. This will really help track my lupus flares and symptoms.
It’s done far more for my health than I thought possible in that it’s led to the possible discovery of a metabolic disorder being the source of my weekly migraines based on the nature of my crashes, so now I’m much more mindful of my energy levels and supporting my body. You better believe when it tells me to rest, I rest.
Some of you have got to stop getting on literally any post about physical disability and chronic pain & talking about adhd and anxiety I don’t know how to explain to you that these are not the same thing. Like I have all of the above and the adhd and anxiety can be debilitating for sure but if you’ve never had your body actually stop working from the amount of pain that you’re in you Do Not get it. No executive dysfunction doesn’t count as being physically unable to move. Some people don’t have legs
I know y'all hate hearing this but it’s not a matter of ooh you’re invalidating my struggles ooh No like I get it I have those too. The thing is that not everything in the world is going to be about you
ALT
ALT