I have been crying on and off with my updates too, anon, we can do it together (actually hopefully not so much anymore <333)

I appreciate your words so much, really, also I’m so sorry to everyone for not replying while I was in the hospital, I only had one finger to write with due to the cannula + pain situation, so I mostly restricted myself to just broader general updates and that one anon who reminded me that actually when someone is scared they are dying maybe don’t.

(But for everyone else, all of your like, replies and messages have just been so incredibly kind and warm and wonderful, and I’m going to spend some time replying to them over the next few days when I have energy to. They helped so much.)

Anyway, back to you specifically, anon, sending well wishes is huge, actually. Sending an ask like this is huge actually. I appreciate you, and the time you took to write this, and getting it in a hospital bed at probably 4.00am knowing me, is really lovely and kind and I am grateful. Like, one of the reasons I spent what energy I had updating here is because the folks I’ve gotten to meet through my writing are some of the best people in the world, and I felt so guilty I couldn’t update lol, and y'all deserved an explanation, and now that I am back I can release what I’ve missed (probably one chapter a day until I’m back up to date with the schedule if I can manage it!)

I’ll probably keep up with the health updates too, tbh, for folks who don’t want to read them they can always blacklist the tag ‘health’

Hi anon!

Do you think your writing as changed in any way since you first started writing on ao3?

I do! I think it’s changed in a lot of ways, tbh. It would be hard to list them all because it’s over a decade and many I’ve forgotten, but it’s definitely something other folks have noticed as well. There’s been words I used to use a lot that I use a lot less. Some grammar things that have altered (ideally for the better). Some pacing issues I started working harder at (my slow beginnings in particular). I mean on every component of writing, from dialogue, to pacing, to plot, to narrative structure, to character integrity, to words chosen etc. those are all things I care about and that have altered over time.

Do you still feel like your improving as a writer/strive to continuing improving?

I think it’s normal to always want to be improving at your craft, but I also think it’s normal to have times where you’re just practicing the skills you already have and are improving through the practicing of them. There’s sort of two main ways to learn to improve as a writer - to learn and try new things actively (which includes reading other works), or to simply keep writing and learn through doing. I like to do both.

Or are you content to stick with the writing style that you’ve already developed?

I don’t really believe I have a single ‘writing style’ and I wouldn’t know how to describe my writing style to others either, beyond just 'long.’ And I can write shorter fics, I just don’t often feel like it. Like, I don’t have a single writing style. I’ve written poetry in different formats, different kinds of short stories, different genres of work, I’ve experimented in formal novel formats and informal serial formats, oneshots, short series, etc. Linear and non-linear writing styles, open circular endings, and more. It might feel that I’m sitting in the same writing style to everyone else, I’ve been in the Underline universe for a long time, for example, but stories like Passiflora are good examples imho of me stretching outside of where I’m usually writing.

And lastly I’ve seen that you read a lot of nonfiction for research. Do you read fiction too?

I do! I’ve name-dropped fiction series and authors I’m grateful for in my author’s notes in the past and I couldn’t have done that if I didn’t read fiction.

And do you prefer to read online fiction or published fiction?

I prefer to read fanfiction and transformative original works on AO3, as well as manhwa/manga online too (I am a voracious reader of manhwa and have read around 100+ titles this year alone). But anon, fiction published online is still technically published fiction. Manhwa published online is still published, and my works on AO3 are published fiction. Like, if I ever published Game Theory as a book, it wouldn’t be the first edition, because the first edition is already published on AO3.

I think you mean traditionally published fiction paperbacks and hardback books, and maybe e-books through an e-reader? (Because these are often digital now too). I don’t read much fiction like this anymore. I find it personally way easier to find satisfying fanfiction and AO3 original fiction than to say, purchase 20 fiction novels and find one worth reading. Obviously I can take books out at my library too, it’s just I’m normally taking out nonfiction because nonfiction is much pricier than fiction, so I can road-test books that are too expensive for me to drop $200 on otherwise.

I can’t remember what the last fictional novel I purchased was, tbh, but the last manhwa I purchased (I get the hard copies when they get licensed into English) was Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint and Perfect Buddy. These days the published fiction I sink the most money into is manhwa through subscription and AO3 original authors I really enjoy via any revenue avenues they have (like Patreon / Ko-Fi etc.)

I’ve always said that I’m a lazy writer - I write the fiction I write, because I can’t find it to read.

If I could find fiction exactly like mine, and exactly what I’m looking for, then I wouldn’t be here writing. I really, really struggle to find traditionally published books that don’t care about word length in contemporary novels, or that are psychological enough in their romances, or that have the combination of specific things I’m looking for. People make recs, but they are often invariably disappointing, and I know I’m just very particular. It doesn’t mean what they’re recommending is bad, it means I am fussy, and eventually I found the easiest method to reading what I wanted to read: Writing it.

And that means it’s always been a struggle to find really good traditionally published original fiction that hits the spot for me. I’m often reading outside of my genre/s - things like literary and psychological thrillers for example, stuff I know I’m not ever likely to write. And I reread a lot of the things I’ve loved in the past. But I’d say my ratio of traditionally published fiction to non-fiction is about a 20:80 split. Much lower this year, as I’ve read no traditionally published fiction novels at all.

Hi anon,

Moments like this are incredibly normal (it’s just a part of being alive and talking to people), but there’s more options than just…suppressing our response, or having a kneejerk response of anger that you end up having to apologise for.

For example, you could say things like:

‘This subject makes me uncomfortable. I’m glad you like it, but can we talk about something else?’

Or:

'I find this subject a bit of a trigger, I’m just going to take a quick break (and make sure you take it) and then come back in a few minutes!’

Or:

'I know you love this subject, but it makes me feel uncomfortable to talk about, is it okay if we don’t talk about this in the future?’

Or:

'I’m having an unexpected strong emotional reaction to you bringing up this subject, I think we have to avoid it from now on. Maybe we can talk about it tomorrow or the next day, but can we talk about something else for a minute?’

Or, if it’s not something you’re likely to hear about often from this person, you go:

'Brb / Afk for a bit! I’ll be back in 15’ and then go off, cool down, and decide what you want to do.

People are friends with other folks in fandom who write about each other’s squicks and triggers all the time. One of my partners has a very good friend whose primary interest in fandom is incest, which is one of my partner’s primary triggers, lol. They find ways around it! That’s what a friendship is.

It’s not about suppressing your responses and forcing yourself to be perfectly regulated all the time (this is not a thing, this is an Instagram/Tiktok concept and it’s a myth). Nor is it about lashing out because someone made you uncomfortable without meaning to. It’s about learning the path of communication that allows you to communicate discomfort, in a way that allows for a friend to go 'oh shit, sorry, didn’t know, I won’t talk about this thing with you again.’

Or, if the thing is a dealbreaker (maybe they’re obsessed with this subject), give you both a chance to find friends who are better suited to what you both adore. If a person has a phobia of birds, they’re probably not going to be best friends with an ornithologist who is hyperfixated on birds, for example. But it’s better to know, than to pretend everything is good when it isn’t.

And to be clear, it’s not that you’re apologising for being triggered or squicked, it sounds like you’re apologising for 'not reacting well.’ Whatever you said or did that required apologising, it’s still possible to communicate strong emotion without potentially: telling someone else that they’re wrong for liking a subject / implying something is wrong with anyone liking a subject / implying that someone is responsible for your emotions if they didn’t know a subject would bring those emotions up etc. I don’t know what happened there, but I think that phrase (I didn’t react well/was unduly negative) is doing some pretty heavy lifting!

Everyone is allowed to have triggers and squicks, and also to have strong emotional responses unexpectedly in conversations. It’s our choices after that which might create the need for apology (on either side, honestly, if your friend shames you for not liking a subject you find squicky, they’re also behaving unfortunately).

Communication is everything. And ultimately, it’s good to learn if friendships can hold up to that kind of communication! Because if basic communication around respect or needing space to process etc. break it apart, then it says a lot about the friendship in the first place.

It’s also okay to ask for breaks. It can be hard in the moment. You are allowed to just suddenly vanish into a bathroom, or go afk, or 'take a call’ or just say 'hang on a sec’ and think for a minute. That takes practice though, but it’s worth practicing!

I should actually use ‘writes stuff and smut’ as my tagline, honestly, that’s more fun than 'writes big hurt/comfort’ or whatever I’ve got right now :D

Also honestly, I think not being a one-size-fits-all person myself (literally, I’m fat, one-size-fits-all is a lie), it’s made me particularly sensitive to the way 'it should be only this way or else’ in kink is a really broken perspective to have.

I do really understand why we have simple things that tend to fall apart on examination, like SSC (safe, sane and consensual), or 'enthusiastic consent’ or even 'safewords (as a magic bullet and not just a useful tool)’ - because you need like, some very basic, basics to help 101 newbies unlearn some of the toxic shit they’ve learned about BDSM from fiction of all kinds. But the problem is, all of these things are themselves kind of a fiction, they give someone a safer looking place to land.

For some people, that’s the only place they ever need to be. That’s what works for them, and they don’t project it onto others, and they’re living their best lives, and I love that for them.

For the rest of us, being told that we should be doing it their way can be actively harmful and destructive. Kink and BDSM spaces, like all spaces, suffer from influences of misogyny, colonialism, heteronormativity, transphobia, racism, ableism, fatphobia, sex worker prejudice, and more. They really deserve to be interrogated and talked about, with the love, anger, commitment and compassion that a space like that deserves when you want it to do better by all the people who want to participate in those spaces, and not just the ones currently allowed to. But those kinds of conversations have to happen in a space of conversation, and not just mic drops or 'it’s my way or else.’ That’s a lot harder, but… it is interesting to think about, and that’s honestly where the investigation of 'what is enthusiastic consent anyway’ came from. It sprang out of disability and sex worker spaces, which questioned the status quo, and as a result, came up with a lot more different options for ways to practice consent, which is never a bad thing. :D

Hi anon,

The enthusiastic consent discourse can be so tiresome when it becomes like, this way to basically gatekeep people in and out of kink based off nothing more than a subjective interpretation of how a kinky experience should go.

You’re definitely not a monster if enthusiasm isn’t what you’re looking for out of kink, you’re just…looking for something else. That’s also incredibly normal! The reasons for accessing kink (consensually) are as varied as there are people, and having a bunch of dicks try and define it for all of us is a them problem, it shouldn’t be an us problem. And if they try to make it an us problem, we’re just going to have to tell them we don’t enthusiastically consent to their bullshit, and keep doing kink the way we want to.

(In all honesty, anon, be gentle with yourself, it can be hard to unlearn stuff that we’ve taken on, especially stuff that we can weaponise against ourselves!)

Ahhhh thank you!!

I hope there’s some more rest and recuperation this month! Our poor boy the canine Tobermory has gotten so suss to our medical appts in the morning that he’s stopped having breakfast because of stress, so like, that’s something we’re going to have to work on, but I’m shaking his paw because I can relate a little.

I’m going to distract myself with Faber’s problems which are MANY and BROAD, which makes him a very relatable character in these trying times lol