thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it’s a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I’m working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it’s okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I’m failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I’m doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it’s such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.
sorry to put your tags on blast on this insane breach containment post I have since muted, but you’re right and you should say it.
(grabs you by the shoulders) you have to make room for new experiences in your life. you have to go through the unpleasant work of leaving your comfort zone, even if just for a few minutes at a time. because if you don’t, your brain will trick you into stagnation. you will start to believe that the world can barely fit you in it. but that’s not true. it’s the opposite way around. you can fit the whole word inside of you. your task is only this: to welcome it with open arms
