@jumpingjacktrash

Possums are the only North American marsupial, they eat ticks and keep down cases of Lyme, and they can't carry rabies! We only have two native boa constrictors; the rubber boa and the rosy boa! Bison and the American Alligator are LITERAL MEGAFAUNA LEFT OVER FROM PREHISTORY!

When I was a teenager, I was hiking with my family on Cape Cod. I was not a willing participant to these hikes; I would've preferred to be back at our rental cabin with a book.

But my parents were birders, so hiking we did go.

And about a mile up the trail, a woman came rushing up to us, clutching her binoculars to her chest. "Come quickly," she said, with a British accent. "You have to see this!"

This is what birders are like. They are as excited about a life bird as any fan would be spotting their favorite celebrity. You have to see, you have to.

So my parents rushed off with her, and I plodded along behind them.

To find a cluster of Brits huddled in a bird blind, staring at..

A blue jay.

A goddamn blue jay.

And I was a teenager, but I knew better then to mouth off in front of my mom. So I nodded, and smiled, and bit my tongue, until an elderly man looked at me with tears in his eyes, and said, "Isn't it BEAUTIFUL?"

And I stopped. And looked at it. The way they were. As if it were new. And damned if they weren't right.

I think of that, to this day. That sometimes, you need to step back, and see the world as if it were new. Strange, and haunting, and beautiful, so beautiful.

Isn't it BEAUTIFUL?

YOU’VE ACTIVATED MY SPECIAL INTEREST, IT’S TIME FOR A NORTH AMERICAN SAFARI TOUR OF BROWN MAMMALS

THIS IS THE COYOTE (A CLOSE COUSIN OF WOLVES BUT ONE WHOM DIVERGED AT LEAST ONE ICE AGE AGO INTO A MID-SIZE FLEXIBLE GENERALIST) AND THE AMERICAN BADGER. THEY REGULARLY TEAM UP TO HUNT RABBITS AND RODENTS AND ENJOY HIGHER SUCCESS RATES TOGETHER THAN APART. THE BADGER FLUSHES PREY AND THE COYOTE CHASES IT DOWN; CONVERSELY THE COYOTE CHASES PREY INTO TUNNELS AND THE BADGER NAILS IT WHILE IT’S TRAPPED.

THIS IS A CHIPMUNK. IT’S ADORABLE. I HAVE KNOWN MULTIPLE PEOPLE WHO TIE PEANUTS TO FISHING LINES AND THEN REEL CHIPMUNKS IN TO MAKE THE CHIPMUNK EAT THE PEANUT DANGLING IN MIDAIR. UNLIKE MOST SQUIRRELS CHIPMUNKS WILL EVEN EAT OUT OF YOUR HAND BECAUSE THEY DO NOT FEAR DEATH. THEY CAN AND WILL SWEAR AT YOU.

THIS IS THE BIGHORN RAM. BOTH SEXES GROW HORNS BUT THE MALES GET HUGE ONES. THE MALES ATTENTIVELY SHEPHERD (ha ha!) THE FEMALES, WHO LEAVE THEM IF THEY DON’T FEEL LIKE THEIR MAN IS TOUGH ENOUGH. THIS LEADS TO VERY FUN VIDEOS OF BIGHORNS HEADBUTTING CARS TO SHOW OFF FOR THE LADIES.

THIS IS A PORCUPINE. THEY DO FUCK DOGGIE STYLE BECAUSE THEY CAN BRISTLE THE SPINES FORWARD SO IT’S NOT A PROBLEM, BUT FEMALES WON’T DO THIS IF THEY’RE NOT FEELING IT. TO GET HER IN THE MOOD THE MALE PISSES ON HIMSELF AND EVERYTHING ELSE. MALES HAVE ALSO BEEN RECORDED PISSING WHILE STANDING ON THEIR HANDS AND USING THE BARS OF AN ENCLOSURE TO PROP THEMSELVES UP FOR A BETTER ANGLE. THEY SOUND LIKE A SQUEAK TOY FOR THE DOGS THAT GO TO HEAVEN.

THIS IS THE GRASSHOPPER MOUSE, AN AGGRESSIVE PREDATOR WHO METABOLIZES SCORPION VENOM INTO PAINKILLER. ALSO CALLED THE WOLF MOUSE, THEY DEFEND THEIR TERRITORY BY HOWLING ULTRASONICALLY AT THE MOON. THEY ARE AS FAR AS I KNOW THE ONLY ENTIRELY CARNIVOROUS MOUSE.

ONLY TWO SPECIES OF ARMADILLO CAN COMPLETELY ROLL INTO A BALL AND THIS IS NOT THAT ONE. HOWEVER THE NINE BANDED ARMADILLO CAN JUMP SEVERAL FEET STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR WHICH SURPRISES THE HELL OUT OF PREDATORS AND PEOPLE ON YOUTUBE. THEY ARE SHOCKINGLY NIMBLE AND FAST, AND IN RECENT YEARS HAVE BEEN SPREADING NORTH. GOD SPEED, LIL POTATOES.

THIS IS A PUMA. IT’S INCREDIBLY COOL. IF YOU DON’T AGREE YOU CAN TAKE IT UP WITH THE PUMAS. THERE’S SOMETHING LIKE THREE SPECIES OF PUMA BUT CLIMATE CHANGE IS PROBABLY GOING TO COLLAPSE AT LEAST TWO OF THEM TOGETHER. STILL, THEY STAY GORGEOUS.

THESE ARE SEA OTTERS, ONCE NEARLY DRIVEN TO EXTINCTION BY COLONIALIST FUR TRAPPERS. THANKS TO CONSERVATION PROGRAMS AND THE MONTEREY BAY AQUARIUM THEY ARE ONCE MORE SPREADING BACK ALONG THEIR HISTORIC RANGE FROM CALIFORNIA TO ALASKA. THEY EAT SEA URCHINS AND MOLLUSKS AND THUS ALLOW KELP FORESTS TO GROW AND FLOURISH. KELP FORESTS ARE EXTREMELY IMPORTANT AT BLUNTING STORM WAVES AND MODERATING OFFSHORE EROSION, AS WELL AS PROVIDING A HOME TO DOZENS OF VALUABLE SPECIES OF LESS PHOTOGENIC TEDDY BEARS. A SEA OTTER’S SKULL IS THE SIZE OF A BOBCAT’S AND HAS JUST AS MANY TEETH. CUDDLE WISELY AND WITH YOUR WILL ALREADY SIGNED.

THE JAVELINA, A SURPRISINGLY DISTANT COUSIN TO PIGS; THEY’RE ACTUALLY MORE CLOSELY RELATED TO HIPPOS AND WHALES. LIKE SEA OTTERS, THEY ALSO HAVE HUGE FANGS AND ARE ALSO DOING BETTER DUE TO CONSERVATION EFFORTS, BUT STILL NEED STRONG ADVOCACY AND PROTECTION. THEY LOVE ROOTING AROUND FOR SPROUTS AND TUBERS AND SCREAM SO, SO, SO LOUDLY IN THE NIGHT. I WOULD KISS ONE AND DIE HAPPY.

THE PRONGHORN ANTELOPE, ARGUABLY MERICA’S FASTEST MAMMAL. THEY EVOLVED TO OUTRUN CHEETAHS AND DID SO GOOD AT IT THAT THE CHEETAHS ARE GONE AND THEY’RE STILL ZIPPING AROUND. THEIR HORNS ARE TRUE HORNS, WITH A BONY CORE, NOT ANTLERS. THEY’RE DOING PRETTY WELL FOR THEMSELVES THESE DAYS BUT KEEP A STERN EYE ON RANCHERS WHO WANT TO DRIVE THEM OFF THEIR PRAIRIE HABITAT FOR MORE CATTLE GRAZING

ONCE THOUGHT TO BE SOLITARY CURMUDGEONS, GROUNDHOGS AKA WOODCHUCKS ACTUALLY VISIT THEIR MOMMAS INTO ADULTHOOD. THEIR FORAGING STYLE IS LEARNED AT HER SIDE, BUT THEIR FOOD PREFERENCES ARE INDIVIDUAL AND HIGHLY VARIED. IN AGGREGATE THEY EAT BUDS, SHOOTS, ROOTS, BERRIES, AND NUTS, BUT EACH ONE IS LOOKING OUT FOR THEIR FAVORITE SNACKS, AND YOU’RE FUCKED IF THAT’S YOUR PRIZE WINNING CUCUMBERS. THEY CAN WHISTLE AND BARK WARNINGS WHILE STANDING UP LIKE ANGRY LITTLE THROW PILLOWS, AND MAY IF THEY DON’T LIKE THE LOOK OF YOU.

THANK YOU FOR COMING ON **BROWN MAMMAL SAFARI** PLEASE DONATE TO CONSERVATION ORGANIZATIONS, THEY’RE DOING INCREDIBLY VALUABLE AND EFFECTIVE WORK.

Man

You ever date someone with a protective friendgroup that has their eye on you, that analyzes your every move or word? Or be in that friendgroup?

It's a whole 'nother level when they are traumatized PTSD-ridden ex-guerilla child soldiers that can turn into BUGS to spy on you and PREDATOR ANIMALS to .... hopefully just threaten you

not to derail but i still think it’s plausible that ronnie is just cassie experimenting with being transgender. like this is a kid who gave her fake name as cindy crawford when put on the spot. we know she’s a terrible and uninventive liar.

it would be so easy for someone to come over, see a random black man in cassie’s house, touching cassie’s things, wearing one of cassie’s shirts, and ask, 'oh hi how did you get through all the layers and layers of security to be within pervert distance of cassie’s bedroom, and did you know i can turn into a gorilla’ and for than man to blurt out 'we’re married!’.

what’s his name then? uh. ronnie. ronnie….. donaldson… don’t look at the burger bag under foot don’t ask questions go away now. ronnie donaldson is about to make sweet pervert love to HIS WIFE. as soon as she gets back home to his house. that he owns. because they are so married.

there's been like 3 of these left for a year and they gotta go! someone buy one of these stragglers please omg

I love this for the creativity and the joy in the post. How perfectly these bits of rocks and shells show us two ladies frolicking in delight! At the beach, one might assume. They're having a great time. Good for them.