[Somewhere in a post-canon future where all is well and Cloud and Tifa are a couple]

This being after:

• Reno hit on him (her) at Seventh Heaven thinking she was a new pretty blonde waitress, complete with the “Hey there, gorgeous, what time do you get off?” routine before Cloud threatened him with a fork and Reno backed away slowly.

• Barret couldn’t look him in the eye or be his usual gruff self because “that’s a lady and I have a daughter, I gotta set a good example”

• Cid called him “m’lady” in a weird chivalrous drawl and held a door open, tipping an imaginary hat.

• Vincent gave him unsolicited pointers on hip-swaying and heel-walking to make the illusion more convincing, which led to an deeply uncomfortable conversation where Cloud learned Vincent used to cross-dress for undercover Turk missions and was apparently very good at it.

Cloud: Tifa, look what I figured out how to do.

*Cloud concentrates for a moment, then turns into a woman*

Tifa: Oh wow! You make such a pretty girl! How are you able to do that?

Cloud: I think it’s the S-cells. You know how Jenova had mimetic abilities? Must be that.

Tifa: Well, you look beautiful.

Cloud: Thanks! Let me just—

*Cloud concentrates again, trying to shift back. Nothing happens*

Cloud: Oh no. I can’t switch back! What if I’m stuck like this for a while? What if it’s permanent?! How will our relationship survive? You’re not even attracted to women—

Tifa: I made out with Aerith once.

Cloud:

Cloud is calmly standing in the elevator on his way to his post, mentally reviewing his patrol route, thinking about what he’ll have for lunch, normal things. Then the doors slide open. He takes one step forward—

—and is suddenly at eye-level with Sephiroth’s chest.

Cloud: …!

It becomes immediately, horrifyingly clear from the way the uniform fits, from the unchanged towering height, from the silver hair—that Sephiroth has somehow turned into a woman today.

Cloud: !!!???

Cloud’s brain cycles through the five stages of grief: Denial (this isn’t happening), Anger (why is this happening), Bargaining (please let this be a hallucination), Depression (I’m going to die here), and a return to Denial (THIS ISN’T HAPPENING).

Cloud: !!!

His legs have turned to noodles as he’s lost all motor control. He’s seized up like a prey animal that just locked eyes with a apex predator, except the predator is his commanding officer’s breasts.

Cloud: !!!!!

And then he starts crying, sobbing, completely unable to look away from Sephiroth’s chest.

Sephiroth: …

Cloud is still crying, eyes glued to Sephiroth’s chest like they’ve been magnetically locked there. He tries—tries—to shut his eyes, squeezing them closed with every ounce of willpower he possesses—

Sephiroth: …

—but it doesn’t help because even with his eyes shut, Cloud knows they’re still there. Still crying, he’s experiencing emotions he didn’t know existed—shame, terror, awe, confusion, more shame, a weird kind of respect(?), and intense, overwhelming desire.

Sephiroth: “Strife. Strife, you can leave. There’s nothing physically holding you here.”

Cloud, sobbing, eyes locked onto Sephiroth’s chest: “BUT THERE IS.”

Sephiroth: Please stop wasting my time. I know it’s with one of you.

Genesis: For the last time, none of us has your precious sword. What would I even do with a nodachi? Everyone knows I prefer a rapier.

Angeal: And I’m too riddled with guilt from the Buster Sword to even think about picking up another weapon. The psychological weight alone is too much.

Zack: I’d totally steal it. It’s badass.

*Everyone turns to stare at him*

Zack: But I didn’t! I wouldn’t! It’s super poor taste to steal another guy’s sword! Plus there’s a scary sword ghost living in it and I don’t mess with supernatural stuff.

Genesis: Please, there is no “sword ghost.”

Zack: There is! I swear! Sephiroth left me alone in the room with it one time and a portal opened up and a hand came out and patted my head!

Genesis: Stop making things up to cover for mass hallucination.

Sephiroth: He’s not lying, you know. Angeal, tell him.

Angeal: No no. I’ve blocked that entire mission out. Every time I hear the name “Alyssa” I get full-body chills and the urge to sage a room.

Genesis: Sephiroth, if you’ve always been able to summon that blasted sword, why is this an issue now??

Sephiroth: The issue is I can’t summon it at the moment. Which means either someone piqued its interest and was deemed worthy of wielding the blade—highly unlikely—or one of you tampered with it. So? Where is it?

*Cloud walks in casually, holding the Masamune like it’s a broom he borrowed*

Cloud: Um, sir? I accidentally took your sword for a few hours because it, uh… followed me? To the training room? And then it told me that I’m the honorable, rightful heir it’s been searching for all it’s life. And then some monsters appeared for me, so I used it to fight them off. I think I went through some sort of trial? I told the sword I would be returning it to you, so it bid me farewell and said “we’ll meet again soon.” But don’t worry! I polished it after. Sorry about that.

*Cloud hands the Masamune to Sephiroth and walks off like nothing happened*

Sephiroth: ….

Genesis: ….

Angeal: ….

*A swirling vortex portal suddenly opens near Zack. A ghostly hand shoots out and pats him firmly on the head*

Zack: AHA! SEE?! SEE?!

Angeal: “I preach honor and honesty, but I’ve been stealing from the commissary for three years. Food, new equipment, even materia sometimes. I redistribute them to younger SOLDIERs and cadets who can’t afford proper nutrition and gear.”

Lazard: “I embezzle approximately thousands of gil per month from SOLDIER’s budget. I funnel it to anti-Shinra extremist groups, independent journalists, and a small orphanage in Sector five. I also have a cork board in my kitchen outlining seventeen different assassination plans for President Shinra. I stare at it every morning while sipping coffee with whiskey in it, wondering if today is the day someone will test me enough to actually go through with it.”

Sephiroth: “I frequently have prophetic dreams about the future where I become evil and burn down villages, murder the President, and attempt to summon a meteor to extinguish all life on the planet. But I can’t address that right now because the disembodied female voice that speaks to me in my sleep says not to worry about it, and since I compulsively trust any older female authority figure, I simply listen to her.”

Tseng: *Tseng is so shocked by the previous confessions that it snapped him out of anesthesia, and now his blood pressure is through the roof*

*Genesis slides a generous slice of chocolate cake across the table toward Sephiroth*

Genesis: There you go! Try this devil’s food cake. It’s exquisite.

Sephiroth: What’s it made of?

Genesis: Chocolate.

Sephiroth: Then why is it called devil’s food?

Genesis: I don’t know. Branding? Just eat it.

Sephiroth: I’m uncomfortable eating something explicitly named after the embodiment of evil.

Genesis: There’s nothing wrong with the cake. People eat devil’s food cake all the time! I like it.

Sephiroth: Yes, because you’re a perfect example of a kind-hearted, pure-intentioned individual. Just yesterday you tried to trip me in the hallway because—and I quote—“your hair looks too shiny and it irritates me.”

Genesis: Minerva’s mercy, Sephiroth. I went out of my way to acquire this for you. Devil’s food cake is objectively the superior cake. Rich, decadent, moist—

Sephiroth: If it’s so wonderful, why not call it “nice cake”? “Pleasant cake”? “Morally neutral cake”? If there’s truly nothing wrong with it, why name it after something fundamentally evil?

Genesis: You don’t even believe in the devil! You’re not religious!

Sephiroth: And you’re not typically afraid of doors, but if someone pointed at a door labeled “Door of Death,” would you walk through it?

Genesis: WHAT about this cake possibly indicates it’s going to harm you?!

Sephiroth: The fact that you’re offering me food with explicitly satanic connotations. I have this unshakable gut feeling.

Genesis: Sephiroth, for the last time, just try some! It’s not poisoned, it won’t make you ill, and I selected the finest, most expensive cake available. There is no better cake out there!

*Angeal walks in, cheerfully carrying a fluffy white cake*

Angeal: Hey Sephiroth! I got you an angel food cake to try :)

Sephiroth: I KNEW IT.

Genesis:

*After Genesis accidentally turns Sephiroth into a woman while messing around with experimental materia*

Sephiroth: This has been the worst day of my life. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be a woman? There are aches in places that previously did not exist, my center of gravity is completely off, and all day men have been staring directly at my chest mid-conversation like I’m not standing right there.

Angeal: …Maybe… maybe you should wear something different? Something that covers your chest more? Just until the effects wear off?

Sephiroth: So I have to control my wardrobe because men can’t control themselves? Why not teach them not to stare? I should be able to wear something comfortable without being objectified.

Genesis: It truly does speak of one’s character. For instance, I have not ogled your chest once since you transformed. Not a single time.

Sephiroth: That’s true.

*The materia effects suddenly wear off. Sephiroth shifts back to his original form*

*Genesis’ eyes immediately drop to Sephiroth’s chest*

Sephiroth:

But what if it’s the complete opposite? What if Crisis Core Sephiroth’s first instinct when encountering anything small and defenseless is to immediately adopt it? Like they’re passing through an alley in the Sector 5 slums and he spots a kitten. It’s in his arms before anyone can stop him.

Sephiroth: How tragic. So young, so helpless, already torn from its mother’s arms, no doubt. Cast into this cruel world with no protection, no guidance. But fear not. I shall become your guardian. I’ll provide sustenance, shelter, unconditional love, teach you to hunt—

Genesis: Sephiroth. Its mother is right there.

*The mother cat is literally three feet away, meowing and staring at Sephiroth*

*Sephiroth covers his eyes*

Sephiroth: —ensure a stable nurturing environment, install climbing structures—

Genesis: