But what if it’s the complete opposite? What if Crisis Core Sephiroth’s first instinct when encountering anything small and defenseless is to immediately adopt it? Like they’re passing through an alley in the Sector 5 slums and he spots a kitten. It’s in his arms before anyone can stop him.

Sephiroth: How tragic. So young, so helpless, already torn from its mother’s arms, no doubt. Cast into this cruel world with no protection, no guidance. But fear not. I shall become your guardian. I’ll provide sustenance, shelter, unconditional love, teach you to hunt—

Genesis: Sephiroth. Its mother is right there.

*The mother cat is literally three feet away, meowing and staring at Sephiroth*

*Sephiroth covers his eyes*

Sephiroth: —ensure a stable nurturing environment, install climbing structures—

Genesis:

Zack: Honestly, the whole thing is nothing to him anyway. He lost teeth all the time as a kid in Gongaga, playing too rough, climbing trees, getting into sparring matches with branches and other dangerous objects. He’d just wiggle the loose tooth out with his tongue, spit it in his hand, and keep playing. His mom stopped panicking after the fourth incident. This is basically a luxury version of his childhood.

Angeal: Refuses to get his wisdom teeth removed. His logic is just:

Angeal: No, no, I don’t need those removed. Wisdom teeth removal is a scam by dental corporations to weaken your jaw so you spend more on dental care later.

Sephiroth: That’s not how this works. Impacted wisdom teeth can cause infections, misalignment, and chronic pain.

Angeal: If the Goddess put teeth in our skulls, they’re meant to be there. Who are we to question divine design?

Sephiroth: That’s not—*deep breath* —Angeal, wisdom teeth are vestigial. Our jaws have evolved to be smaller, so we need to remove them.

Angeal: My father never got his wisdom teeth removed and he turned out fine. Healthy as a horse his whole life.

Sephiroth: YOUR FATHER IS DEAD, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

Cloud: Refuses to get his wisdom teeth removed because back in Nibelheim, local folklore maintains that wisdom teeth literally contain wisdom. The village dentist (a man who also served as the town’s barber and occasional carpenter) never removed them on principle. When kids started crying about tooth pain, adults would just nod sagely and say “That’s your wisdom coming in, sweetheart. Bear it with dignity.” Cloud also doesn’t trust big city dentists because when he was eight, the Nibelheim dentist treated his toothache with a leather strap to bite down on, a bottle of whiskey (for the dentist, not Cloud), and what Cloud is seventy percent sure was a woodworking chisel.

Genesis: Requires an entirely different approach because you must first catch him—which is impossible, because Genesis runs from dentists like the devil from the cross. He has a phobia of dentists rooted in the fundamental existential horror of having bones in his skull toyed with by strangers. People vastly underestimate how far he’ll go to avoid dental appointments. Angeal and Sephiroth have had to physically tackle him, pin him down, and carry him to checkups like a feral cat in a carrier (a rug one time).

He’s currently had a mild ache in his left molar for three weeks, which he’s been treating solely through prayer.

Sephiroth: He’s fine, this is standard procedure for him. But the anesthesia situation becomes a nightmare, because his mako-enhanced metabolism basically processes medication and drugs like a wood chipper. So they have to pump him full of enough anesthesia to tranquilize an elephant. The result is Sephiroth in a state he has never experienced before: incoherent. Angeal arrives to escort him out and finds Sephiroth slumped in the recovery chair, staring at the ceiling with an expression of profound revelation.

Angeal: Ready to go?

Sephiroth: My calling in life is to be a door.

Angeal: What the fuck

I did 6 asdfghjkl (thank you!! 😊🩷)

The Middle - Jimmy Eat World

The Hand - Annabelle Dinda

El Alma Que Te Trajo - Safety Trance ft Arca

Desmitificar - Marina Sena

Clouds - Pastel Ghost

She Will - Lil Wayne

*Zack is crying too hard to form coherent words, dragging Cloud—who now looks identical to Sephiroth—by the arm toward Angeal and Genesis*

Zack: GUYS! YOU HAVE TO FIX HIM!

Angeal: Believe me, we’ve been trying for years.

Genesis: He’s wonderful the way he is. Leave him alone.

Zack: NO, I MEAN HIS FACE—IT’S WRONG!

Angeal: Zack, don’t be a bully. That’s incredibly rude. Leave Sephiroth alone.

Genesis: Shame on you for mocking his appearance. He’s more attractive than ninety seven percent of the population.

Zack: NO—I MEAN HE’S NOT WHO HE USED TO BE!

Angeal: We all change as we grow older. Sephiroth used to be quite prickly, actually. Very emotionally guarded. He’s grown a lot as a person.

Zack: NO, I MEAN— UGH, I CAN’T—

*Zack is so overwhelmed he just runs away, leaving Cloud standing there*

Angeal: Zack, wait! Genesis, I think he’s having a panic attack!

Genesis: We should go after him!

*They both sprint after Zack, completely abandoning Cloud. Sephiroth rounds the corner and comes face-to-face with his own face*

Cloud: !

Sephiroth: Hm, I’m dreaming right now. Last time I had a strange dream like this, I was able to control the narrative simply by commanding what would happen next.

Cloud: …..

Sephiroth: Morph into my ideal romantic partner.

*The experiment wears off and Cloud turns back into himself*

Cloud: NO—

*Yazoo points in Sephiroth’s direction*

Yazoo: Mother.

Sephiroth: Alright. It’s technically an incorrect term to use for me, as I’m not a parent in the traditional sense, and you are merely extensions of my own fragmented will, but… I’ll allow it. Perhaps this is what I was meant for all along, to embody maternal energy. To mother you three. To provide guidance, nurturing, unconditional support. To tell you I’m proud of you even when you fail, because growth is a journey and—

Yazoo, still pointing: No, I mean—Mother.

*Kadaj walks past carrying Jenova’s remains in a box, indicating that’s what Yazoo is talking about*

Sephiroth: Forget I said anything.

*Angeal trudges onto the SOLDIER floor carrying Genesis piggyback*

Genesis: Thank you for bringing me all the way back. You know you really didn’t have to do that.

Angeal: Of course I did! What are best friends for? You sprained your ankle and couldn’t run the rest of the way.

*Angeal gently sets Genesis down on the couch. Genesis immediately stands up and walks across the room with perfect posture*

Angeal: …

*Genesis stretches languidly, rotating his “injured” ankle with zero difficulty*

Angeal: Hang on. You said it hadn’t healed yet.

Genesis: Darling, I never sprained it.

Angeal: You mean to tell me you made me carry you for miles through Midgar, past hundreds of cameras and screaming fans, while you were COMPLETELY FINE?!

Genesis: Yes. It’s called acting.

*Sephiroth walks through the door (before Angeal can attack Genesis), arms overflowing with gift bags, flower bouquets, stuffed animals*

Sephiroth: Our fans are so thoughtful. How could I possibly ignore their heartfelt gestures?

Genesis: Really? That’s why you took so long to finish a two-hour marathon? You sacrificed a respectable completion time for fanfare rubbish instead of actually running like the rest of us?

Angeal: YOU DIDN’T EVEN RUN.

Sephiroth: I felt it would be rude to refuse their generosity. And look— *holding up his hand*—one of them gave me this beautiful ring.

*It is very clearly a wedding band*

Angeal: …Where did you get that?

Sephiroth: A fan gave it to me right after I autographed a document for her. She was quite insistent. What’s interesting is that she was wearing a matching ring.

Genesis: Sephiroth. Sephiroth, dearest. Did the paper you signed… did it perhaps have the Midgar city hall stamp on it?

Sephiroth: …Yes?

Angeal: YOU GOT MARRIED!

Genesis: LEGALLY MARRIED!

Sephiroth: Oh. Oh no. This has terrible implications.

Angeal: I KNOW! The entire point of this marathon was positive PR and you just got legally married to a stranger!

Sephiroth: No, I mean—I’m such a terrible husband. I abandoned my wife immediately after the ceremony. What kind of spouse does that? She deserves better.

Genesis: That’s what you’re worried about?!

*Zack bursts through the door, drenched in sweat but radiating pure joy*

Zack: DONE! Finished! I came in last because I accidentally did three extra laps around the entire plate—I got confused and couldn’t find the finish line, so I just… kept running! Anyway! What’d I miss?

Angeal: Get your coat. We’re going to city hall to get Sephiroth’s marriage annulled.

Zack: What if I don’t want a coat?

Sephiroth: What if I don’t want a divorce?

Genesis: What if I need to be carried there because I sprained my ankle again?

Angeal: WHAT IF I HAD NORMAL FRIENDS?

Sephiroth: Alright, fine. The events that unfolded in Nibelheim were… tragic. If I could go back in time, I would do things differently.

Cloud: Wait. Really? Such as?

Sephiroth: Your mother.

Cloud: WHAT—

Sephiroth: —was a kind woman. I would spare her life.

Cloud: Oh.

Sephiroth: And get to know her better.

Cloud: NO.

—-

Zack: Wait, wait! Hang on! The mandatory seminar Shinra makes us attend when we join SOLDIER explicitly says war crimes are okay as long as they’re for the greater good of the planet! Like mako extraction and maintaining economic stability and— *long pause* —man, I really gotta work on identifying propaganda.

Angeal: I honestly can’t think of any crimes I’ve committed. I’ve never done anything wrong in my life.

Genesis: …Oh. Haha. I get it. You’re being sarcastic.

Angeal: No?

Genesis: …

Cloud: Absolutely that guy wearing one layer in a blizzard. He’s got two things working against him: first, he grew up in Nibelheim, so Midgar’s winter is basically spring in comparison. Second, he’s locked in a permanent state of “I can be better if I just try harder”—which means he’s standing there in a single sweater while everyone else is in parkas, talking about how weak and soft city people are. “Look at them, bundled up like it’s the apocalypse. In Nibelheim we had real weather. This is nothing. I’m fine. I’m completely—Zack. Zack, take me home, I can’t feel my left foot anymore.”

Sephiroth: Also refuses proper winter gear, but for entirely different reasons. It’s not that he’s not cold—he absolutely is—but the sensory nightmare of multiple layers, restrictive fabrics, and things touching his neck is worse than hypothermia. So he’s trained himself to simply endure, probably through controlled breathing exercises. Regular guy Sephiroth™ is also the type to do things like meditation and yoga in his free time, except he takes it to terrifying extremes. Like sitting shirtless in the snow at 4 am doing Wim Hof breathing techniques, building cold resistance through sheer willpower and spite toward his own nerve endings.

Genesis: Offensively fashionable. We’re talking Banora leather gloves lined with Wutai silk. Earmuffs made from ethically sourced Costan wool that cost more than a used car. Knee high boots from a boutique in Junon that has a six month waitlist and makes you submit an application to shop there. His winter coat is tailored and he wears cashmere scarves in jewel tones that complement his eyes. He’s warm, he’s elegant, and he’s judging everyone else’s winter choices. Especially Angeal’s.

Angeal: Dresses like an old man chaperoning a school field trip to a mountain lodge. Full snowsuit that’s puffy, insulated, and possibly thrifted from a Sector 5 community sale. Ugly geometric patterns from 1987, thing’s an eyesore. He also has earmuffs with a strap that goes under his chin, boots that are 100% function that he’s had since he was seventeen and will continue wearing until they disintegrate. Also those gloves with the weird grippy rubber palms. He looks like a yeti, but he’s warm.

Zack: He’s the guy who grew up in Gongaga, where winter meant you might need a long sleeved shirt—and is having an existential crisis adjusting to Midgar. When he first saw snow he was thrilled. “Whoa! Hey! This isn’t so bad! It’s like… cold rain! But fluffy!” He made every rookie mistake: went out in running shoes and ate pavement within five minutes. Forgot to cover his ears and got frostbite. Licked a pole and got stuck. Now, five winters later, he’s one of those people who bundles up like he’s summiting Mt. Nibel to walk three blocks to the convenience store. He stands in clusters with the others like a flock of shivering pigeons, all of them complaining in unison. “Man, back in Gongaga this would never happen. We had sun and warmth. I miss warmth. Does anyone else miss warmth?” He’s got seventeen layers on, two scarves, and he’s still cold. Cloud makes fun of him for this. Cloud, who currently cannot feel his extremities.

Assuming this is an AU timeline where Nibelheim never happened. Sephiroth is still with Shinra, but with Genesis presumably dead from degradation and Angeal gone, he’s bottled everything inside for the past five years. He’s become a model leader for SOLDIER, befriended Zack, maintained a perfect robotic to cope discipline—but it’s because his loyalty has nowhere left to anchor to after losing Genesis and Angeal. And anything else is too messy and painful to unravel. I think he’d need something to cling to just to keep moving forward, so he’d cling to SOLDIER, as it’s all he’s ever known. But he’s one order away from snapping, and I can see how the plate drop would be that order. Same for Zack. This would be his final straw, the moment that confirms this isn’t what he signed up for, “this isn’t what Angeal died believing in.” He’d absolutely revolt and refuse to stand by while thousands of innocent people are murdered for corporate convenience.

*Zack bursts through Sephiroth’s office door*

Zack: I’ve had it! I can’t stand by while thousands of innocent people die, so I’m stopping that plate drop. I’m defecting! Screw Shinra! I’m saving everyone, and I don’t care what you say. I don’t care if you try to stop me or give me some speech about duty or loyalty or whatever! Cloud and Kunsel are coming with me. I just want to know before I leave—are you in or are you out?

*Sephiroth stands up from his desk holding a bazooka*

Sephiroth: May I shoot Hojo on our way out?

Zack: WHERE DID YOU GET THAT

*Somewhere in the Nibel wilderness, Zack and Cloud with toddler Sephiroth are caught by Tseng*

Tseng: Don’t move a muscle. Hand him over now.

Zack: Aww, come on, Tseng! Just let us go and give him a better life!

Cloud: Look at him! He’s precious!

Toddler Sephiroth: <3

Zack: We were going to adopt him properly!

Cloud: Yeah!

Zack: And raise him together as a couple!

Cloud: Yeah—WHAT?!

Zack: So unless you’re his biological father, you’re not taking this kid from my arms! We’re a family now!

*Vincent drops from a tree*

Vincent: I’ll take him from here.

Zack: Wait—are you his father?!

Vincent: I’m not not his father. But I’m also not not not his father. And at the same time, I’m not not not not not not his father.

Zack: ?

*Vincent snatches toddler Sephiroth and runs off*

Zack: HEY! THAT’S OUR KID! CLOUD, RUN!

*Zack and Cloud run off. Tseng pulls out his phone with trembling hands and dials someone*

Tseng: Veld. Get the champagne. Reeve owes us both a thousand gil.