Nerd Skillz For Life

is it weird now that all that i want is a fic about dick subtly sabotaging tim at every turn during his early robin days, trying to get him to quit or be fired through stupid/hilarious means meanwhile tim thinks dick being around him all the time and “helping” him MUST mean he likes him, so tim’s convinced he’s got a new best friend and dick’s like why the FUCK won’t this dumb kid quit already

(most of this is just copy-pasted from the discord with my friends because i’m lazy)

• duke in the tim sees ghosts au, seeing some weird shadowy energy surrounding tim at all times: o_o
• tim in the tim sees ghosts au, sensing that duke can’t die: o_o
• since duke has the ability to amplify other metahumans’ powers when he’s in close proximity to them, i’ve decided that this applies to tim too even though he’s not technically a metahuman and is just a weird kid with weird powers, but it’s my au and i make the rules
• so whenever duke is near tim it makes tim’s abilities stronger, e.g. he can sense more stuff, do more creepy death stuff, and the ghosts around him are more present/detectable
• normally only tim is able to see the ghosts and that is still the case, however when DUKE is around then if you’re looking closely enough (or have super cool vision powers) they look like creepy blurry shadow people that you can see out of the corner of your eye
• and with duke’s light-seeing powers it means he can see the ghosts too and WAY better than other people can, almost to the point where they’re fully visible to him. which is how he finds out about tim’s powers because hmmm he’s pretty sure normal people don’t have creepy ghosts following them everywhere
• we know that tim’s siblings all find out before bruce does, duke included, so after breaking the news tim tells duke he has to keep it a secret from bruce and duke canNOT handle that
• duke: “how am i supposed to keep a secret from the batman!! he’s the fucking batman!! he can read my mind!!!”
• that night at dinner duke won’t look bruce in the eyes and of COURSE bruce knows he’s hiding something because Fucking Batman
• bruce: “spill. what did you do.”
• duke: “i didn’t do anything!!”
• bruce: “if you tell me now i won’t be mad”
• duke: “WHY DO YOU AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME I DID SOMETHING”
• and duke’s eyes keep darting to tim who’s doing his best to look innocent and bruce obviously notices that too
• bruce: “tim, what did duke do”
• duke: “I DIDNT DO ANYTHING!!”
• and bruce doesn’t let up and duke is sweating so eventually he panics and yells “OKAY OKAY YOU GOT ME. tim uhhhhhhh…….killed your fish”
• bruce: “i don’t have a fish”
• duke: “yeah. but uh. we got you a fish. for your birthday. and tim killed it”
• and bruce looks at tim who figures welp, it could be worse. “uh….yeah. i killed your fish. sorry bout that” meanwhile he’s giving duke the death glare
• bonus: when duke’s parents finally die (yes i feel bad for this but i really want them to die so duke can be adopted by bruce officially) tim suddenly sees two new ghosts near duke and his stomach just sinks because oh no

okay but imagine bart and tim hanging out and bart says something like “when we’re in heaven make sure your house is next to mine so we can share a pool okay” and tim without thinking about how it will come across looks bart dead in the eyes and says factually “you’re not going to heaven”

here’s how it works ok

jason and dick know how to get bruce to buy them burger king by being hella annoying until he gives in

duke and damian are the youngest/newest and therefore have Baby Of The Family privileges

cass is the only girl so she gets whatever she wants automatically

and tim…….gets nothing <3 get out of here freeloader

(FINALLY an excuse to do this because jesus FUCK my sisters and i are literally the lynch brothers okay? we are. we are)

———

Ronan, watching a movie with Matthew: that guy’s shoes are kinda cool
Matthew: huh, sounds like something a homosexual would say. drink some holy water, sodomizer

———

Matthew, at 2am: what if chainsaw secretly named me pablo? wouldn’t that be so messed up?
Declan, sitting on his bed staring at the wall: please go the fuck to sleep

———

Declan, staring at a mutated cow Ronan dreamt: she has such a strange shape
Ronan: you’re such a strange bitch

———

Matthew: wait, are consciences real?
Declan: yeah
Matthew: oh…..then why don’t i have one?

———

Declan: i think my body was meant for drinking coffee, walking in circles, and crying
Ronan: you forgot being a whore

———

Matthew, staring into Chainsaw’s cold beady eyes: god said he would never flood the world again but he said nothing about our house

———

Declan: ronan, if you don’t add what you want to the shopping list then i’m not getting you anything
Ronan: i already wrote what i wanted
Declan: no, you copy/pasted the shrek 2 script and crashed my phone. that is not the same thing

———

Matthew: i’m gonna walk backwards and bump into someone, inciting a chain of events that will eventually lead to your house catching fire and burning your family to the ground
Declan, leaving the room: maybe we shouldn’t communicate so often

———

Ronan: i think they should make pringles cans like tampons. discuss.
Declan: i think you should be shot dead with a rifle

———

Adam, two days after buying Opal a cell phone for emergencies: opal keeps complaining that you won’t respond to her messages
Ronan: yeah that’s ‘cause i blocked her

dick, rolling up to infinity island after losing tim at the park: hey, i’m looking for my brother? black hair, blue eyes, kind of annoying, answers to “robin”?

ra’s: oh yeah i got you *brings out an amnesiac jason todd with a baby leash* here you go

dick: ……………ok thanks

ra’s al ghul, banging pots and pans: it’s therapy time bitches!!! time to meditate on our past actions and seek redemption through healing!!!

jason, who can’t even remember his own middle name: ok

ra’s when tim is fighting other people: woohoo you’re doing amazing sweetie!! you’ll produce a lovely heir for me and my assassins!!

ra’s when tim is fighting HIM: you ATTACK ra’s al ghul?? you turn down his offer of greatness and nobility?? oh!! oh!! death for the detective!! death for the detective for one thousand years!!

i mean,,,, when you think about it, he DID sort of become robin out of spite too

tim: hey dick go be robin again :)

dick: lmao no

tim: :|

tim: >:|

bruce, confused but supportive: sir isaac newton did wonders for the scientific community

Dick, running downstairs: Alright Jason, you’re gonna hate me for this but—

Jason: Done. I already hate you

—

Duke: What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

Cass: *whispers* Pussy?

—

Damian, ordering food at a restaurant: I’ll have a glass of 1% low-fat milk with a red straw. No bubbles

Jason: I want to punt you out the window so fucking bad right now

—

Steph, going through her school backpack: Look at all these dead trees I haven’t looked at once. Shameful. What a waste

Duke: Maybe you should do your homework

Steph: Maybe you should mind your fucking business

—

Damian, sarcastically while Tim is talking about Star Trek: Wowwww, tell us more, Drake

Dick: Yeah Tim, you’re doing so well! *pauses* Wait, are we supporting him or bringing him down?

—

Dick: It’s nothing personal, Titus. I just don’t like horses and you’re a horse

Jason, not looking up from his book: Well I don’t like whores, but you’re still here

—

Steph: All humans have boobs

Damian: So where are yours?

—

Bruce: Make sure to give me your Christmas lists when you get the chance so I can start shopping

Jason: Cocaine

Tim: I would also like some cocaine

—

Jason: *points out something obvious during a stakeout*

Damian: Thanks, Captain Obvious

Jason: *does it again ten minutes later*

Damian: Gee thanks, Mister Obvious. You got demoted

—

Alfred: Master Damian, did you have dinner yet?

Damian: Yes, I made a pizza

Alfred: And what about Tim, did he eat anything?

Damian: Of course, I gave him my crust