What did the vampire say to his victim on third street? Nothing, vampires don't exist.

What smells like blue paint and is red? Green paint, I lied about it being red.

What was Godzilla's last wish? Nothing, Godzllla is a fictional character and doesn't have any kind of wish or valuable sentiment in reality.

What is the biggest shame in the world? The amount of time I've spent in MOBAs. Still don't regret it.

Why was the walrus scary? It was seen by it natural predation target within the walrus' reach.

Who's the biggest loser on the beach? It could be anyone at all because said beach, time, place, and way of deciding the gravity of one's loss in life is undefined and therefore cannot be described without further information.

What were half of these inspired by/stolen from? Game Grumps, of course.

My name is the untorward wizard of time, Donovan Jackie Finch, and I swear to god I know all the secrets to life. The only problem is I've hidden them in a place where the text can't be read, the book can't be found, the place is unmarked, it's not even on land, and I told nobody where it is because I can't remember what's in the book OR where the hell it is.

Yes, I did just escape a mental institution, why do you ask?