Elon v tim drake is crazy because it IS a 16 year old beating his ass. Also: tim is everything that elon hates Also is everything he wants to be. Impossible situation for a man like musk. Hes an actual genius and insane inventor and richer than elon. Also hes trans and bisexual and a teenager. Tim lives rent free in his head.

His tiktok is insane he’s crash testing equipment. He’s building electric motorcycles and doing flips in them and then his hot country boyfriend is putting him in cute outfits. It’s like myth busters meets dolldivine. Tims like i made a bulletproof window for this truck! Look! And then shoots a gun six times into the windshield.

"demolitions testing today for this new rebar additive that'll hopefully help shore up some of gothams old bridges!" "new record on acceleration for the prototype electric bike I've been working on!" "today my boyfriend is going to do my makeup and put me in an outfit so we can go to the farmers market together <3" " testing new polymers for body armor in the gun range 👍"

Elon is such a reply guy for tim on twitter and it’s embarrassing because tim has @‘d him twice in his life

he replied to elon once very shortly after he became CEO and elon went on a rant at him in the replies of one of his tweets. he didnt reply to any of the others but theres one where elon called him tim and tim replied "That's Mr. Drake to you" and it was devastating.

elon 100% tried to get tim to buy twitter off of him shortly after that whole fiasco and urgently texted him like 50 times (tim replied to none of them) and finally tim posted a screenshot of a particularly pathetic text with the contact blacked out (very obviously is someone’ unsaved number) telling him about how it would be a good career move for him.and the tweet goes something like “sorry @ elonmusk, unfortunately i’m more on the r&d side of things these days! Maybe you’ll have more luck if you @ @ brucewayne or @ jackdrake?”

1) Bruce has not tweeted in his life

2) people are like did this dude really @ his DEAD FATHERS TWITTER ACCOUNT?

you know someone is like "that's in poor taste" and someone links to an article where jack drake, angry over elons rockets exploding over a valuable archeological site, once famously said “You couldnt pay me to piss on him if he was on fire” and is like no he's literally honoring his memory fr. and tim also replies to them with “this is one of the first things ive done in my life that my dad would be honestly truly proud to tears about”

the fic writer experience of watching any classic romcom and only lasting 5 minutes before sighing and putting on the AU goggles

timkon notting hill au where uhh [shoves timelines and most other canon out the window] kon is in his early 20s and is trying to live a Normal life for the first time as a retired superhero. because superman can come back from the dead apparently! and in this au kon got extremely whammied by kryptonite right around that resurrection, which he is very slowly recovering from, and now that the real superman is back kon is kind of…superfluous. ha. so kon is literally just living a civilian life trying to fly under the radar so no former supervillains or evil scientists come hunting him down. he has a job at a bookstore and another part-time job at a movie theater. his roommate is bart, who is also Taking a Break and Going Through Something. they eat pizza and don’t talk about it. kon kind of likes being normal. less chance to disappoint people on a grand scale, but you can still make people’s days better just by being decent. sometimes cassie flies cassie over for dinner. (cassie still has her powers but is on a not-entirely-self-imposed break after her own shit; cissie’s out of the game and happy about it, which sometimes causes weird tension, but they’re all still friends.) also it’s the 90s, because why not.

and then! enter one tim drake. world-famous gymnast. a riches to rags to riches story; his parents used to run drake industries until janet died and the company nosedived during jack’s recovery and fully guttered after jack moved his family across the country, shortly before dying himself, and shortly before tim’s rising stardom + standout Tragic Backstory + looks made him both a media darling. he has his second olympics coming up, so the fame and the pressure is ramping up and up and up when he ducks into a little metropolis bookstore just to get away from everything for a minute, and ends up letting the cute employee charm him into buying a book he absolutely does not need.

(in this world, due to shifted timelines or [waves hand], the third robin never worked with young justice. the third robin also vanished from the scene pretty quickly. (his dad really did force tim to move away—something that took tim out of the game for a good while.) so: tim was robin. he was forced away. he’s kept distance between himself and the wayne family since, not wanting to draw scrutiny their way. his dad died when he was 1$ and he was able to stretch the custody issue long enough to turn 18 and get a sponsorship and support himself. he’s fine. he’s got it handled. he misses the waynes. he doesn’t think they need or want him outside of robin, which he hasn’t been for years. he’s wrong ❤️)

anyway. plot would obviously diverge greatly from notting hill—barely anything linking them beyond the setup, if you squint—and would follow tim and kon trying and failing to stop seeing each other despite kon’s valid reasons to not want paparazzi on his doorstep; it would follow tim befriending kon’s friends aka yj and tim realizing who they really are; it would follow both kon and tim’s slow (re)integration into their respective families; it would follow kon slooooowly regaining some of his powers as the kryptonite poisoning heals over time. i do think some Compromising Photos of tim should leak (extra weighty if it invites speculation into his sexuality) and tim assuming kon’s interest in him has an expiration date, while kon assumes this is mostly a fun little vacation as a regular person for tim. which, joke’s on them, neither of them are regular people.

tim ends up figuring out something to help with kon’s healing, at which point kon starts to realize tim drake has way more to hide than his relationship. and why does dick grayson keep showing up at kon’s bookstore? and because it’s me, one or both of them probably get kidnapped at some point. who knows. many possibilities. we can have it all when we’re just cooking AUs in our own head.

here's the thing. the thing is i don't think i'm gonna be chill again until i read a fic where will gets de-aged (preferably post-book 2) and somehow the (extremely traumatized) crew have to deal with this and in the process of interacting with like 7 or 8 y/o will they find out about. you know. All That.

imagining cyprian tying up this child while they figure out what to do next (“he’s dangerous.” “he’s just a–” “you know what he is.”) and will is just. not even fighting. because he’s used to it. he’s only confused when they don’t untie him come morning but since he can’t remember what happened before this he figures he did something bad. so this makes sense.

visander does try to kill him but there’s some sort of magical backlash (extrapolating from the midwife story) and child!will is terrified and hurt and apologizing for it.

somehow will and elizabeth end up becoming tentative friends. neither of them has really had a friend their own age before. elizabeth hates him at first but somehow she catches him being nice to nell and that thaws her toward him a bit. she lets him copy some of her maps because he looks interested in them. she decides she’ll hate him when he’s big again.

violet avoids him hard at first because she’s still reeling from [waves hand] but intervenes when he’s hurt (maybe hurt and hiding it; hiding rope burn or hunger or fever) at some point because how can she not? she doesn’t hate him. it would be so much easier if she did. and when she’s helping him will makes some offhand comment about his mother, and violet’s shit is rocked not only because All That but also violet also has Mother Angst in ways she’s only beginning to unpack. most importantly, she’s more than what her stepmother thought of her and certainly worth more than how she was treated as a child by her father. she’s the one who insists will be allowed to sleep untied; her compromise is that he sleeps next to her, with her sword on the other side. obviously this act of kindness means child!will would now die and kill for her.

i don’t know how to guess at the anharion of it all, so let’s say james is mostly james and child!will catches on to the collar thing fast and it freaks him out and he’s the one avoiding james, but ends up snapping back at cyprian when cyprian makes a Comment about the collar. will is absolutely braced for whatever cyprian’s reaction is; cyprian pretty much goes pale and leaves. it’s pretty hard to make a comment about james being will’s lapdog etc etc when will is like, 7 years old. (cyprian’s in a rough place right now and seemingly all his worst fears have come true, including the ones about james. they’re not gonna have a good family reunion for a while.) james has been torn between wanting to protect child!will and not wanting to frighten him. (there’s also a version of this premise where james whisks child!will away immediately because, duh. we’ll say there’s some magic blocking reason that doesn’t happen here. they’re all stuck somewhere. idc i just need everyone to interact with will like this.)

anyway. anyway. rambling. i just think. it would be neat.

was talking with @suedeuxnim about the last poll and Tim is the dream roommate for 28 days a month because he's asleep or gone and the two days he's actually around are so unbelievably unlivably bad that you would have to break your lease.

you go to get breakfast and your cryptid roommate is actively dismantling the toaster. you walk in and he's like "sup dude I hope it's okay I used your whole bottle of antidepressants to make a fear gas antidote. those don't really do anything anyway." he's like showing you that one study about long-term efficacy of ssris on his phone while still holding the soldering iron in the other hand. the toaster is actively smoking btw.

you look to the corner like maybe you'll find some guidance or clarity there and he's got dwarf fortress running on your work laptop??? he broke into your room while you were sleeping and took your work laptop and broke the IT encryption and the hardcoded VPN in order to play dwarf fortress??? and when you ask him about it he's like oh yeah mine is still running the assays. What Assays!! this guy said he was an analyst and traveled a lot. maybe you should have asked more questions!!!

you give up on breakfast and go to take a shower and the closer you get the bathroom the more it smells like Chemistry. Why! "oh man don't go in there right now, the fan will take a few hours to clear everything out. wanna get takeout later?" he says blithely. you consider murder, and also whether your last breakup was bad enough to prevent you from still crashing on your ex's couch (yes :()

anyway i bring that up because i think jason's singular hobby is that he's a line cook. which you would argue isn't a hobby at all and i would agree with you but Jason doesn't know how to have fun outside of the context of work and restaurants take all kinds of nutjobs. he interviews and shit and gets the job because he doesn't care about things like "being paid" a "livable wage" and seemed like he was on the least amount of drugs at the time of the interview. upon showing up the first day he's getting settled on the line and the servers come in to be like hey whats up man welcome and like the 5th server is none other than dick grayson. they look at each other in silent horror for 5 seconds before dick visibly comes to some sort of decision and is like. Hi Man I'm Rich Nice To Meet You. and jason is like. im jason. and then they have to pretend not to know each other from there on out until dick gets fired for exhibiting freak behaviors

dick gets a job as a server to exhibit his most unsettling self for once he spends all of his time being put together and nice and keeping people from biting each other and at this job he gets to be somewhat deranged to all of his coworkers. he's the pet freak. hes acting so hard it has actually looped back around to not acting at all. it's the kind of stuff you expect from a line cook like juggling the steak knives because it's dead or picking the lock into the restaurant when you're locked out but coming from a waiter its like uncanny valley. he never cries in the walk in. he gets screamed at by guests and doesn't even blink. a woman poured her drink in him once. he was the one to take out the forgotten mouse in a trap that nobody else would touch. he never writes down orders and has never forgotten one. one time the servers were having this somewhat classic discussion and someone was like Hey what was the last thing that made you cry? and he went "my dad" and walked away. he'd never mentioned having a dad before.

jason goes to work to be a line cook so normal it loops back around to being weird.

"hey rich so what's that dad of yours like?" dick voice the alive one or the dead one? (asker crumples like aluminum foil)

jason is so bewildering because he's like. this gigantic wall of meat of a man and he's got a gazillion scars and he's just like painfully regular. like hey man it's mothers day and you haven't even vaped on the line. everyone else has done cocaine. you havent even had coffee. you just finished closing down your station and now you're dishwashing. hello. "what. josé wants to go home too." ITS NOT THE DISHWASHING ITS THE LACK OF DRUGS. "i dont like drugs" ITS MOTHERS DAY!!!

"but jason IS weird" you might say. "he's an incredibly violent man and he says deranged things all the time!" this, i have to tell you, is a bog standard line cook.

ilysm MAWS lois… and so true, i’m just picturing clark and kon sitting there (“there” being “on a cloud” perhaps) going like

kon: he’s so capable and smart

clark: i know the feeling 🥰

kon: but also i have recently discovered i am physically capable of getting heart palpitations from stress

clark: ah. indeed.

Kon slams the door open (he doesn't, his TTK catches it before it can dent the wall, but it's the principle of the thing).

"Problem," he says abruptly, and Clark blinks at him from where he's editing his article.

"Problem?"

"Tim is a fan of Lois."

Ah. "Well, yes," Clark says, "I think he's always been one? He was sort of star-struck the first time they met." Which had been very cute, and Lois had found it incredibly flattering that in a room that had herself, Batman, Nightwing, and Superman, Tim as Robin had been practically glued to her side, hanging on her every word.

"No, Tim is a fan of Lois," Kon stresses.

"...Yes?"

"And Lois is investigating Luthor's new business partner."

"Yeah, she mentioned that, she's just looking into records though."

"She was, until she found out his new business partner is from and in Gotham."

Well, that's... concerning. Lex on his own is bad, Lex cavorting with Gotham Rogues can only be worse.

"That's... not good," Clark concedes, "but Tim can help her investigate and keep an eye on her." Kon looks actively pained. "What?"

"Clark," Kon says, "think about the other people Tim's been a fan of and how Tim's acted with them. Would you describe any of his actions as 'keeping an eye on them'?"

It's on the tip of Clark's tongue to say 'Batman', but....

But Tim wasn't really a Batman fan to start, he was a fan of Dick Grayson, of Robin and then Nightwing. Tim absolutely kept an eye on Dick in the sense of encouraging him and not letting him be down about himself, but when it came to Dick's plans? His suggestions?

Clark suddenly recalls hearing Nightwing's voice in Metropolis go 'hey wanna jump off a roof and see how long it takes Uncle Supes to catch us?' followed by Robin going 'you're on'.

And Tim is a fan of Lois. Lois, who's ideas are frequently only shelved because she doesn't have access to a grappling hook or the tech to loop security feeds - both of which Tim does have.

"Problem," Clark realizes abruptly.

"Problem," Kon agrees.

still obsessed with the concept of Tim and the winters family, they knew each other for like one comic and I think about the possibilities everyday

Tim’s step cousins spending the entirety of their only appearance purposely pissing him off is very funny to me

The fanfiction in my mind the Winters never liked Jack and so by extension Tim, they think that at least when he and Dana got married he had money but it wasn’t for long after and Dana is too young to be raising a teenager so by the times Jacks dead the winters are ready to brush that part of Dana’s life away like it’s dust

Dana, rather than going to Bludhaven to be taken care of, moves in with her sister and family, and she takes Tim with her, no exceptions, it’s both or none

Tim’s worried at first about having to sneak out of the house now that’s it’s full of people but soon finds that no one is really watching him, at all, Dana is recovering so he didn’t expect her to do anything but heal, but aside from when he does something stupid and his cousins are guaranteed to be there, everyone else seems to be outright avoiding him

so rather than the expected family drama Tim had prepared for, being seen as a bad influence for sneaking out and all the stuff he’d need to do for his vigilante work to be kept secret, he’s now in the family drama of being the brand new black sheep to a family who couldn’t have possibly produced someone as nice as Dana (he’s feeling slightly protective over his cousins now though, god damn it-)

Tim being the black sheep-gay cousin-step child to the winters family never leaves my mind, I hope Dick, Babs and Helena take peace in the knowledge he’s the one getting annoying younger sibling’d when he’s made to drive his little cousins around

tiny tim can accurately sense that jason has at some point in his life had a warrior catsona and dick has at some point said “wait it’s actually about cats? that fight each other? oh no :(”

@cairoscene YEAH. SCREAM

dick: no singing? what about dancing? do fighting cats dance?

tim: WHAT is he talking about

jason, who knows all the words and dance moves to skimbleshanks the railway cat, through his teeth: i have no idea.

Situation where Clark has formed a tentative working relationship with Batman, but somewhere in that time, Batman acquired Robin and, naturally, didn't tell him.

Clark finds out about Robin's existence when a ten year old Dick Grayson in full Robin gear breaks into his apartment at two in the morning and shakes him awake because Batman's missing and Alfred's away and Bruce taught him that, in the case of emergency, Superman was one of the only people he could trust. Bruce just didn't think to tell Clark that he was, by all means, his son's emergency contact.

Clark: -wakes up to a small boy that he's never seen or heard of before in a cape and a mask with lenses that reflect light like a cat's perched on the edge of his bed in a pitch black room-

Dick, calmly: Hey, Batman's -- stop screaming -- Batman's missing. I need help.

Instead of: Batman leaves Jason alone with Sheila in Bosnia

I give you: Batman leaves Jason alone at the checkout line to go grab the milk he forgot

[I was inspired and wrote a little ficlet for this, hope you don’t mind!]

“How are you this bad at shopping?” Jason asked, rolling his eyes back as far as they would go to communicate to Bruce just how deeply unimpressed he was. “Milk was the literal first thing on our list!”

Bruce grimaced, but Jason didn’t feel any sympathy for the big boob’s obvious embarrassment. Served him right for being unable to pull off something as simple and straightforward as a milk run without getting distracted. Perhaps Jason was being a bit unfair, seeing as how Bruce had been surreptitiously coordinating the Justice League’s response to a giant robot attack that had sprung up three states over via text message nearly the whole time they’d been shopping, but still. A shopping list was easy. Alfred said get corn, they got corn. Alfred said to get milk so he could teach Jason how to make the best cornbread ever invented before their Fourth of July picnic tomorrow? They got milk.

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