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Jonathan's Reviews > The Two Towers
The Two Towers (The Lord of the Rings, #2)
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A review of Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers by Sauron
After my review of the Fellowship of the Ring, my agent BBMed me and said that people still thought I was a bitter a-hole. He suggested that I learn to deal with my situation by talking with some likeminded people who have faced similar frustration. So he signed me up for Dark Lords and Villains Anonymous. At least that’s what it's called on the website. When I send out a FB invite to my peeps I usually use the subject line "Hatas Beware". Because General Zod is still trapped in that ridiculous Phantom Zone, we can't really meet in person so we IM. Every week a member discusses his or her public failure. This is the transcript from my week.
Sauron: Hello, my name is Sauron, and it's been 56 years since the publication of my defeat.
Group: Hello Sauron!
Sauron: I'm…I'm not sure where to start. I just don't think I've been given a fair shake. I recently emailed an op-ed piece to the editor of the Times. In it, I argued that the name of Tolkien's "masterpiece" should be renamed "An Unprovoked Attack On Sauron the Merciful" and that the second book should be entitled "Saruman F*cks The Pooch". Crusty old cracker. It looked like my email was blocked so I tried another. None of them worked: [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]. Nothing. Anyways, my point is that none of this was my fault. I mean, things started off fine. That Boromir got what he deserved. I've never tried to destroy someone who cared more about their hair!
General Zod: Can anyone help me!!??
Agent Smith: Shut the hell up windowboy!
Sauron: Thank you. Ahem.
Darth Maul: Bllllllaaarrgghhh.
Darth Vader: You'll have to excuse my associate. He's…useless.
HAL 9000: Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?
Agent Smith: OMG! Can anyone stop this light bulb from saying that every week!
Moby Dick: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuflllllllllllllllllll
Agent Smith: Jesus, now the whale is talking.
Randall Flagg: Let…Sauron…talk.
[silence]
Sauron: If I may continue. Helm's Deep. My grandma could have tossed that joint before breakfast. But instead of sending her wheelchair-bound ass in to lead the charge I chose an Uruk-hai. In retrospect, since I took the time to hatch those suckers, I could have included some dolphin or chimpanzee in the mix to boost the IQ a little. Or at least supplied them with better loincloths. One Uruk-hai had a bad habit of talking to me while his leg was up on the table. We don't need to see that. Oh, and why don't I put all my faith in Gríma Wormtongue, he sounds reliable. Every time I looked at his multi-coloured eyes I wanted to puke.
General Zod: That was pretty dumb.
Khan: [shouts] THIS IS CETI ALPHA FIVE!
Sauron: OooooK. I also regret relying on that damn Palantir for global communications! That freakin snowglobe basically told me that everything was going just fine. These days Saruman would have just texted me something like, "Yo, Sauron, we may have an issue." Instead his ass is whooped by trees. You know, man invented fire like 10,000 years ago. Trees.
Jabba the Hutt: Sorry, I got here late. Has that loser Sauron started yet?
[silence]
Khan: I shall avenge you.
Sauron: Thanks. Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, Shelob. Stephen King's made me afraid of clowns and spiders. I don't want to discuss that bitch.
Khan: You see, their young enter through the ears and wrap themselves around the cerebral cortex. This has the effect of rendering the victim extremely susceptible to suggestion. Later, as they grow, follows madness and death.
Sauron: STOP! A-hole. That's why Kirk can beat you while simultaneous boinking a green chick. You're pathetic. Go back to selling coffee or whatever you've been doing. This is getting me nowhere. I never should have signed up for this. And there's no fracking way I'm writing a review of my demise in The Return of the King.
[end transmission]
Moby Dick: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuflllllllllllllllllll
[end transmission]
After my review of the Fellowship of the Ring, my agent BBMed me and said that people still thought I was a bitter a-hole. He suggested that I learn to deal with my situation by talking with some likeminded people who have faced similar frustration. So he signed me up for Dark Lords and Villains Anonymous. At least that’s what it's called on the website. When I send out a FB invite to my peeps I usually use the subject line "Hatas Beware". Because General Zod is still trapped in that ridiculous Phantom Zone, we can't really meet in person so we IM. Every week a member discusses his or her public failure. This is the transcript from my week.
Sauron: Hello, my name is Sauron, and it's been 56 years since the publication of my defeat.
Group: Hello Sauron!
Sauron: I'm…I'm not sure where to start. I just don't think I've been given a fair shake. I recently emailed an op-ed piece to the editor of the Times. In it, I argued that the name of Tolkien's "masterpiece" should be renamed "An Unprovoked Attack On Sauron the Merciful" and that the second book should be entitled "Saruman F*cks The Pooch". Crusty old cracker. It looked like my email was blocked so I tried another. None of them worked: [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]. Nothing. Anyways, my point is that none of this was my fault. I mean, things started off fine. That Boromir got what he deserved. I've never tried to destroy someone who cared more about their hair!
General Zod: Can anyone help me!!??
Agent Smith: Shut the hell up windowboy!
Sauron: Thank you. Ahem.
Darth Maul: Bllllllaaarrgghhh.
Darth Vader: You'll have to excuse my associate. He's…useless.
HAL 9000: Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?
Agent Smith: OMG! Can anyone stop this light bulb from saying that every week!
Moby Dick: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuflllllllllllllllllll
Agent Smith: Jesus, now the whale is talking.
Randall Flagg: Let…Sauron…talk.
[silence]
Sauron: If I may continue. Helm's Deep. My grandma could have tossed that joint before breakfast. But instead of sending her wheelchair-bound ass in to lead the charge I chose an Uruk-hai. In retrospect, since I took the time to hatch those suckers, I could have included some dolphin or chimpanzee in the mix to boost the IQ a little. Or at least supplied them with better loincloths. One Uruk-hai had a bad habit of talking to me while his leg was up on the table. We don't need to see that. Oh, and why don't I put all my faith in Gríma Wormtongue, he sounds reliable. Every time I looked at his multi-coloured eyes I wanted to puke.
General Zod: That was pretty dumb.
Khan: [shouts] THIS IS CETI ALPHA FIVE!
Sauron: OooooK. I also regret relying on that damn Palantir for global communications! That freakin snowglobe basically told me that everything was going just fine. These days Saruman would have just texted me something like, "Yo, Sauron, we may have an issue." Instead his ass is whooped by trees. You know, man invented fire like 10,000 years ago. Trees.
Jabba the Hutt: Sorry, I got here late. Has that loser Sauron started yet?
[silence]
Khan: I shall avenge you.
Sauron: Thanks. Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, Shelob. Stephen King's made me afraid of clowns and spiders. I don't want to discuss that bitch.
Khan: You see, their young enter through the ears and wrap themselves around the cerebral cortex. This has the effect of rendering the victim extremely susceptible to suggestion. Later, as they grow, follows madness and death.
Sauron: STOP! A-hole. That's why Kirk can beat you while simultaneous boinking a green chick. You're pathetic. Go back to selling coffee or whatever you've been doing. This is getting me nowhere. I never should have signed up for this. And there's no fracking way I'm writing a review of my demise in The Return of the King.
[end transmission]
Moby Dick: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuflllllllllllllllllll
[end transmission]
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Reading Progress
Started Reading
2001
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Finished Reading
February 8, 2011
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message 1:
by
Robert
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rated it 4 stars
Feb 08, 2011 04:36PM
This is pure genius!
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The General Zod reference is fabulous. Only thing missing is a reference to Ming the Merciless.
*snicker*We definitely need that last one!
This is awkward, but Sauron just asked me if you have Xenia' "digits". He was grabbing his crotch while he said it. "You can tell her that", he said. I'm sorry about that. Anyways, being incorporeal for so many years, he's built up quite the...yearnings.
Jonathan wrote: "This is awkward, but Sauron just asked me if you have Xenia' "digits". He was grabbing his crotch while he said it. "You can tell her that", he said. I'm sorry about that. Anyways, being incorporea..."So.....(I'm trying to get my head around this).... all that stuff about Sauron gathering his dark forces and yadayadaya was just so much BS ? Was there a propaganda campaign bent on stirring up the Shire in order to sell more broadswords ? We've seen it before, wouldn't be surprised.
Sauron just repeated his request for Xenia's digits.
Xenia's agent just BBMed me to let me know that Ms. Onatopp isn't interested in anything she can't crush between the Thighs of Doom. Maybe Sauron should get some tips from Sebastien Caine?
my good friend hannibal lecter said he is interested in having some of the members of DLVA for dinner.
I almost included Lecter in this review. His only line was going to be a slurping noise followed by the words "fava beans".
Oh man, how did I miss this review? It even has Jabba the Hutt in it. You know he gets me all hot and bothered. Phew! *fans self*
I of course was imagining the non-digital old school Jabba. And Leia. *cough*
Yeah. Non-digital Jabba and Yoda are both WAY hotter than the digital fake versions. Puppets are awesome.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuflllllllllllllllllll[end transmission]
By any chance, you're not thee Sauron are you? Like, Sauron from the Savage Land of X-Men universe?
