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Carmen's Reviews > The Writing Retreat
The Writing Retreat
by
by
Carmen's review
bookshelves: american-author, fiction, horror, mystery, published2023, queer, she-says, traditionally-published
Jul 17, 2023
bookshelves: american-author, fiction, horror, mystery, published2023, queer, she-says, traditionally-published
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Reading Progress
October 5, 2022
– Shelved
July 15, 2023
–
Started Reading
July 15, 2023
–
0.0%
"Just started this. Read exactly one page. Already I can tell she is a good writer, as in putting-words-together, I have no idea about plotting. It's a relief. Good sign. *thumbs up*"
page
0
July 15, 2023
–
0.96%
"The interaction jabbed like a penknife in the ribs. Their shared world. Their undeniable certainty that they were a team. It reminded me of early days with Wren, holding hands as we rode out to Bushwick, wearing cheap pleather leggings, swigging from a shared plastic bottle of vodka and soda.
STOP. I curled my fist in my pocket, digging my fingernails into my palm. I couldn't show up like this, with soft,"
page
3
STOP. I curled my fist in my pocket, digging my fingernails into my palm. I couldn't show up like this, with soft,"
July 15, 2023
–
1.28%
"Seeing him in his smudged glasses, loose jeans, and non-ironic running shoes caused my heart rate to slow."
page
4
July 15, 2023
–
1.6%
"My stomach plummeted. I'd never been afraid of crowds before. In fact, I'd always thrown myself in - at dance parties, sweaty basement shows, art galleries so packed that you knew someone was going to knock over a sculpture.
But now I was afraid. More than that: on the verge of a panic attack."
page
5
But now I was afraid. More than that: on the verge of a panic attack."
July 15, 2023
–
1.92%
"The first morning with Wren, I'd known - instantly - what becoming friends meant: secret dance parties in abandoned warehouses, madcap dates ending with kisses in forlorn alleys, boozy brunches laughing over the night before."
page
6
July 15, 2023
–
2.56%
"Watching them gave me a unexpectedly powerful ache. The friend breakup with Wren hadn't just been between the two of us; I'd lost all our mutual friends too.
I should've known; it was unthinkable now that I hadn't. After all, the night of Wren's birthday had ended in arcs of blood, splattering black in the moonlight."
page
8
I should've known; it was unthinkable now that I hadn't. After all, the night of Wren's birthday had ended in arcs of blood, splattering black in the moonlight."
July 15, 2023
–
2.88%
"A hungry, wolfish feeling reared up in my gut. What would it feel like to hold your own book in your hands for the first time? For it to be a physical object, a thing that people paid for?
I glanced up, feeling eyes on me. The crew was staring at me, surprised and faintly disgusted, like I was a racoon that had wandered into their living room."
page
9
I glanced up, feeling eyes on me. The crew was staring at me, surprised and faintly disgusted, like I was a racoon that had wandered into their living room."
July 15, 2023
–
2.88%
"The world blurred, and for a moment it was just me and her. There was something glinting in her eyes, a reflection of the pain and loss that I so keenly felt. A sob rose up in my throat at the realization that she felt it, too, that she did miss me, that she, too, wanted nothing more than for us to grasp each other in a tight, desperate hug, pulled back together like two powerful magnets.
But then a wall came"
page
9
But then a wall came"
July 15, 2023
–
3.51%
"The one friend I'd managed to make after my excommunication from Wren's coterie, and now I'd ruined that too. How was I going to be able to go back to work? How was I going to be able to look him in the face after forcing him to call me those names? Slut. Cunt. Whore.
I feel like this woman is fucked in the head on a lot of levels."
page
11
I feel like this woman is fucked in the head on a lot of levels."
July 15, 2023
–
4.15%
""So this is really still a thing? Because of what went down at her birthday? I don't get it. That was an accident. Horrific, yes. But an accident."
"It was." Which wasn't exactly true. I pushed the growing panic down into my core."
page
13
"It was." Which wasn't exactly true. I pushed the growing panic down into my core."
July 15, 2023
–
4.47%
"Two years ago, Roza Vallo - our guru, imagined mentor, and patron saint - had come out with a shocking announcement. She was going to hold a monthlong writing retreat at her home, Blackbriar Estate, for four up-and-coming female writers who were under thirty. She wanted to foster and cultivate the next big names. Simply getting picked would mean instant fame."
page
14
July 15, 2023
–
5.75%
"Somehow I always managed to block out my work life the second I walked out of the glass front doors. I never would've expected that I'd be at the same publishing company for six years, having risen up the ranks from bleakly underpaid editorial assistant to bleakly underpaid associate editor."
page
18
July 15, 2023
–
6.07%
"That afternoon I ventured out for a bagel sandwich. The cold outside was a shocking, cleansing blast. A text dinged as I gave my order at the deli counter, inhaling the scent of garlic and coffee."
page
19
July 15, 2023
–
6.07%
"Wren had read it secretly, under the covers with a flashlight, but her born-again Christian mother had still found it tangled in her bedsheets. This was the first time I heard about the many cruel and unusual punishment's Wren's mother had inflicted upon her, starting with locking her in a closet at three years old. This time her mother grounded her for two weeks and refused to serve her dinner. Wren would"
page
19
July 15, 2023
–
7.35%
"It was like finding out a mythical creature, a goddess, had come down to earth to choose me. I expanded past the wooden counter and the people sipping and chattering around me, stretching in all temporal directions: My twelve-year-old self, reading Devil's Tongue in a tucked away corner of Barnes & Noble. My future self, sitting across from Roza as she meted out tough criticism but also little jewels of praise."
page
23
July 15, 2023
–
7.67%
""So I know that might be a little weird for you."
"'A little weird'?" The words burst out, so loud the woman next to me gave me a wary glance. I turned away. "She ruined my life."
Of course Wren was going to take this triumph from me. OF COURSE."
page
24
"'A little weird'?" The words burst out, so loud the woman next to me gave me a wary glance. I turned away. "She ruined my life."
Of course Wren was going to take this triumph from me. OF COURSE."
July 15, 2023
–
8.31%
"I'd received an NDA, which I signed without reading it. Since then, my body had been filled with a low-grade buzz, like an electric fence just waiting for someone to test it."
page
26
July 15, 2023
–
9.27%
"We cheered. The tenor of the hot room had shifted. A new eagerness swelled, a sharpening of the senses, like we were a crowd at a coliseum watching a brave but ultimately doomed gladiator stride out into the ring. Somehow we knew even then she was out for blood."
page
29
July 15, 2023
–
9.9%
"We hadn't gotten our books signed that day. But as the event and the revelation exploded online, causing Jett's publisher to cancel the second half of his two-book deal, we agreed that being there to witness a show of Roza's vengeance had been more than enough."
page
31
July 15, 2023
–
11.18%
""That female demon, whatever her name was. People said she's still there." He cleared his throat. "You couldn't pay me to stay there, to be honest. I don't know if I believe in demons or whatever, but there's definitely some odd energy in that house.""
page
35
July 15, 2023
–
11.18%
"Every mile we were getting closer and closer. Every minute that passed meant one few minute before seeing Roza - which was overwhelmingly exciting - and Wren - incredibly horrifying. It was so strange to balance the two, and they both revved up my system, causing a fluttering in my chest."
page
35
July 15, 2023
–
11.18%
""The cell service is cutting out," Poppy announced. "Is that normal?"
"Unfortunately, yes." He glanced back at us. "Real spotty up here."
Uh-huh. Of course. Classic horror."
page
35
"Unfortunately, yes." He glanced back at us. "Real spotty up here."
Uh-huh. Of course. Classic horror."
July 15, 2023
–
11.82%
"A deep thrum came from inside the house, like a purr or a growl. My fingers tightened on my suitcase's handle as the door slowly creaked open."
page
37
July 15, 2023
–
12.46%
"As a child - maybe still now - this would've been my fantasy: to be surrounded by so many books. The shelves stretched up to the high ceiling, more books than anyone could read in a lifetime. At the far end, windows shone pale light on an assortment of plush couches and chairs grouped around a massive stone fireplace. A table nearby was heaped with platters of cheese, meats, fruit, and about five bottles of wine."
page
39
July 15, 2023
–
12.78%
"I felt a brief flush of relief to be able to say my pronouns easily. Sharon had asked us to start using them at work six months before when introducing ourselves in author meetings. It had struck me as ironic that Sharon was at all concerned about being "woke" when she'd only ever hired BIPOC people at the assistant level."
page
40
July 15, 2023
–
13.42%
""So you're in LA?" I asked Keira, wanting to move us onto a safer topic. Did Taylor really have to bring up slavery, especially with Keira being the only Black person in the room?
This is kind of hilarious, with the pronouns and the talking about race and them prying into everyone's romantic life."
page
42
This is kind of hilarious, with the pronouns and the talking about race and them prying into everyone's romantic life."
July 15, 2023
–
14.06%
""No Wi-Fi," Taylor said.
"What?" I asked. "But there's no service here, either."
"Yup." Taylor seemed satisfied by our shock. "We're completely and utterly cut off."
Dum dum DUM!!!! Let the murders begin!"
page
44
"What?" I asked. "But there's no service here, either."
"Yup." Taylor seemed satisfied by our shock. "We're completely and utterly cut off."
Dum dum DUM!!!! Let the murders begin!"
July 15, 2023
–
14.38%
"Should I tell them I was thirty? I felt a throb of unease to be holding something back from the others. But it wasn't a huge deal, was it?
The second glass of wine was making me slightly woozy, and I leaned back, giving in, allowing myself to relax and be carried along in the usual chatter. I couldn't remember the last time I'd smiled and laughed so much.
It just felt so nice to belong."
page
45
The second glass of wine was making me slightly woozy, and I leaned back, giving in, allowing myself to relax and be carried along in the usual chatter. I couldn't remember the last time I'd smiled and laughed so much.
It just felt so nice to belong."
July 15, 2023
–
14.7%
"I felt practically giddy. It was the golden hour and amber rays poured into the room, transforming the thousands of books to dusty gold blocks. Compared to the dingy, fluorescent hallways of work and the cracked white walls of my apartment, this place felt real and solid: the plush rug beneath me, the heavy wineglass weighing down my hand, the fire and waning sun warming my face."
page
46
July 15, 2023
–
15.97%
"Keira remained at the doorway, watching me as if suddenly suspicious. I wanted to run, I wanted to race down the stairs and burst outside and plunge my burning face into a snowbank."
page
50
July 15, 2023
–
16.29%
"The words spewed out, powered by a hopeless fury.
...
That was the question, wasn't it? The answer lived in different layers, like a pyramid with deep hidden chambers.
...
The arc of blood gleaming in the fairy lights."
page
51
...
That was the question, wasn't it? The answer lived in different layers, like a pyramid with deep hidden chambers.
...
The arc of blood gleaming in the fairy lights."
July 15, 2023
–
16.61%
"I felt guilty letting this narrative take hold, but it seemed to complicated to correct her."
page
52
July 15, 2023
–
17.57%
"But otherwise she looked the same as she had a year ago, when we'd been living together. Or maybe even younger, as if she'd been siphoning my life force, using it to plump her cheeks while I grew more listless and depressed."
page
55
July 16, 2023
–
17.89%
"I was about a foot away from Wren, so close I could smell her familiar perfume: roses, incense, smoke.
Hmmm. Lyric Woman? Portrait of a Lady?"
page
56
Hmmm. Lyric Woman? Portrait of a Lady?"
July 16, 2023
–
17.89%
""We were joking this is all an elaborate setup." Taylor gestured at Ian. "He's actually a serial killer who lured us here."
"Because, as you know, I HATE women." He grinned.
Ugh, blergh. This guy is so gross."
page
56
"Because, as you know, I HATE women." He grinned.
Ugh, blergh. This guy is so gross."
July 16, 2023
–
18.21%
"Everyone chuckled. Her charisma was starting to unfurl, its vines wrapping around the table. It caused anxiety deep in my belly."
page
57
July 16, 2023
–
18.53%
"His tipsy grin turned into a leer as his eyes dipped down at her cleavage.
Wren and I shared a disgusted glance.
Stricken, we both looked away.
The shared look, the shared thought - Ugh, what a dick - had happened so automatically, like a missing note that had to be filled in."
page
58
Wren and I shared a disgusted glance.
Stricken, we both looked away.
The shared look, the shared thought - Ugh, what a dick - had happened so automatically, like a missing note that had to be filled in."
July 16, 2023
–
18.85%
"She perched on her chair, primly positioning her napkin in her lap, the scent of a dark jasmine perfume wafting over the table. The energy in the room ran to her like a current; it was impossible to look away. It wasn't her outfit, or that she'd in any way dressed up for us. In fact, she wore a gray sweatshirt, and her hair was still damp from a shower. But something clung to her that made the rest of us in our"
page
59
July 16, 2023
–
19.49%
"She stared not at him but at me, her green eyes blazing. I wanted to crawl under the table or flee upstairs to my room, where I could lock out whatever this brutal punishment was.
But I forced myself to stare back at her. There were tears gathering behind my eyes but I refused to let them well up.
The silence stretched out, interminable. I stopped breathing and my heart thundered.
What a prick."
page
61
But I forced myself to stare back at her. There were tears gathering behind my eyes but I refused to let them well up.
The silence stretched out, interminable. I stopped breathing and my heart thundered.
What a prick."
July 16, 2023
–
19.49%
"The relief was like cool water down a parched throat. But it also left me feeling unsettled and upset. How could she do that: treat me like a dog she raised her hand to, just to see if it would flinch?"
page
61
July 16, 2023
–
19.81%
"Roza Vallo wasn't nice. And that's how she'd gotten where she was.
Maybe I could learn something from her.
Ugh, your idol is a total asshole. Get out. If the isolation and lack of all communication didn't make you run, this asshole should. And what kind of feminist would keep a guy around like this? A sleazebag guy? No."
page
62
Maybe I could learn something from her.
Ugh, your idol is a total asshole. Get out. If the isolation and lack of all communication didn't make you run, this asshole should. And what kind of feminist would keep a guy around like this? A sleazebag guy? No."
July 16, 2023
–
20.13%
"Her nails were bare and her cuticles were ragged. This, more than anything so far that night, took me aback. Wren loved her nails and was never without a fresh manicure."
page
63
July 16, 2023
–
20.45%
""What it means, darling, is that during this month of February, over twenty-eight days, you are going to write a completely new novel."
"What?" Taylor snorted. "That's not possible."
"Oh, no?" Roza's voice sharpened. "Are you that lazy, dear? In a month when you have absolutely nothing to do but write?"
I'd stiffened, hunching over my plate. Terror tornadoed in my chest. I'd already been nervous about writing,"
page
64
"What?" Taylor snorted. "That's not possible."
"Oh, no?" Roza's voice sharpened. "Are you that lazy, dear? In a month when you have absolutely nothing to do but write?"
I'd stiffened, hunching over my plate. Terror tornadoed in my chest. I'd already been nervous about writing,"
July 16, 2023
–
20.77%
"The new realization was settling in: not only would we have to write a book.
We'd have to help edit four others."
page
65
We'd have to help edit four others."
July 16, 2023
–
21.09%
""I'm wondering why. It feels like we're being forced to compete against each other, like a reality show or something."
"Oh!" Roza turned to Ian, eyebrows raised. "What an interesting way to see it. Here I thought we were being so generous."
"I don't want to seem ungrateful." Wren shook her head. "I guess... I don't know. I just wish we could all work together. Instead of having winners or losers. It's just what"
page
66
"Oh!" Roza turned to Ian, eyebrows raised. "What an interesting way to see it. Here I thought we were being so generous."
"I don't want to seem ungrateful." Wren shook her head. "I guess... I don't know. I just wish we could all work together. Instead of having winners or losers. It's just what"
July 16, 2023
–
21.41%
"Being the focus of her gaze was like nothing else I'd ever experienced: like being pinned down as she cracked open my skull, staring impassively, considering the slimy things inside.
Then she grinned and it was friendly, almost jaunty. The switch jarred me.
"So, my dear." Her voice was light. "Make it something I like.""
page
67
Then she grinned and it was friendly, almost jaunty. The switch jarred me.
"So, my dear." Her voice was light. "Make it something I like.""
July 16, 2023
–
22.04%
"I knew what it felt like to have a good idea. The concept would trigger something, a little ember deep down in the belly. You'd have to be careful not to hold it too tightly. But you could feel it - the expansive glow of all the possibilities.
But these ideas were dead. Inert. I was digging around in the mud but finding nothing."
page
69
But these ideas were dead. Inert. I was digging around in the mud but finding nothing."
July 16, 2023
–
22.04%
"Someone had turned the hallway lights off, and I grabbed my phone to use the flashlight. The marble statues cast sharp shadows in its beam. A chill tickled my lower spine. I felt like I was in a video game, walking down this dark and opulent hall, waiting for something horrific to pounce.
I headed to the landing, marveling at how unnerved I was. For someone who loved horror books and movies, I was way too easily"
page
69
I headed to the landing, marveling at how unnerved I was. For someone who loved horror books and movies, I was way too easily"
July 16, 2023
–
22.36%
"She came with a keening wail.
Then there was silence. Maybe she'd killed Ian, crushed his head in between her thighs as ecstasy flooded through her. Maybe she was sitting up, examining the mixture of skull and brain, still breathing hard but calming every second.
Ugh. What a mess.
The image was so visceral that terror leapt into my throat."
page
70
Then there was silence. Maybe she'd killed Ian, crushed his head in between her thighs as ecstasy flooded through her. Maybe she was sitting up, examining the mixture of skull and brain, still breathing hard but calming every second.
Ugh. What a mess.
The image was so visceral that terror leapt into my throat."
July 16, 2023
–
22.68%
"Wrapped in fluffy towels, I sat at the desk. The sky was a bright, cloudless blue. A sparkling layer of snow covered the backyard. I envisioned throwing my laptop through the window, shattering the glass, watching it land with a POOF in a snowy pile."
page
71
July 16, 2023
–
24.92%
"Their chatter and laughter filled my ears and suddenly I was back in middle school, sitting on a bench during recess, pretending to be absorbed in my book. The other kids didn't care enough to make fun of me or even feel bad for me. They didn't see me at all.
What did people on reality shows say? I'm not here to make friends. And that was true. But I still felt a nudge of shame. Should I move closer to Poppy?"
page
78
What did people on reality shows say? I'm not here to make friends. And that was true. But I still felt a nudge of shame. Should I move closer to Poppy?"
July 16, 2023
–
25.24%
"Something about the story pulled at me, a thread of recognition. I felt like I'd heard of this story before, though I couldn't remember where.
But no story was completely new. Maybe I was thinking of another book, maybe even something Poppy was using for inspiration."
page
79
But no story was completely new. Maybe I was thinking of another book, maybe even something Poppy was using for inspiration."
July 16, 2023
–
25.56%
"She's ordering them to write a novel with her injections. This seems not okay. I would think someone would object."
page
80
July 16, 2023
–
26.2%
"Roza tapped her head. "The writer's mind is a channel, dear. When we open, glorious truths can flow in. Rather like Daphne channeling her demoness, wouldn't you say?""
page
82
July 16, 2023
–
26.2%
"....and it had been decided that I was going to write about Daphne.
My entire body felt icy to the point where I had to clench my teeth to stop them from chattering. It felt like I'd fallen into a void, that the scene was continuing to go on around me, but that I'd suddenly become absent. A dark, blurry shape."
page
82
My entire body felt icy to the point where I had to clench my teeth to stop them from chattering. It felt like I'd fallen into a void, that the scene was continuing to go on around me, but that I'd suddenly become absent. A dark, blurry shape."
July 16, 2023
–
27.48%
"If she thinks I'm surprised by the lesbianism, I'm not. It was actually pretty telegraphed."
page
86
July 16, 2023
–
27.48%
"It struck me, distantly, that this was what Roza really wanted. She liked stories, particularly those that were dark and off-putting. She wanted to gaze at them directly, to hold them in her palms like newborn kittens covered with caul.
By telling her, it felt like giving her something, or entering into a kind of pact.
Don't tell her.
I question the MC's decision-making in this book."
page
86
By telling her, it felt like giving her something, or entering into a kind of pact.
Don't tell her.
I question the MC's decision-making in this book."
July 16, 2023
–
27.48%
"I hadn't wanted her to see the shame that buzzed around me like flies."
page
86
July 16, 2023
–
27.8%
"Wren had always said she was one hundred percent straight, that she liked male bodies and smells and energies too much to explore anyone else. How, then, had she been so good, so practiced, her tongue sliding in a perfect repetitive moment, her fingers knowing exactly what to do? Even now, retelling the story, it felt like a random sex dream I'd had."
page
87
July 16, 2023
–
28.12%
""People who don't know pain - deep pain - are bad writers. Wouldn't you agree?"
"I don't know. I guess that makes sense." I'd expected my confession would make me feel relieved. But instead I just felt sad and exhausted.
"If there's one thing I've learned," Roza went on, "it's that the worst conditions are the most conducive to the best work. I wrote my first book sitting next to my dying friend, who was"
page
88
"I don't know. I guess that makes sense." I'd expected my confession would make me feel relieved. But instead I just felt sad and exhausted.
"If there's one thing I've learned," Roza went on, "it's that the worst conditions are the most conducive to the best work. I wrote my first book sitting next to my dying friend, who was"
July 16, 2023
–
28.43%
"I stared into her eyes, mesmerized. A tiny speck of hope, no larger than a piece of dust, floated through my mind.
Maybe Roza had the answer. Maybe this pain wasn't for nothing. Maybe I just needed to mold it into something beautiful."
page
89
Maybe Roza had the answer. Maybe this pain wasn't for nothing. Maybe I just needed to mold it into something beautiful."
July 16, 2023
–
30.99%
"I hadn't felt this - the sparkling sense of inspiration - for a long time. The energy felt volatile, almost sexual. It filled every cell, making them glow in the dark. It had been hard to get to sleep after that. I'd kept a notebook on the nightstand and kept reaching over to turn on the light, half sitting up so I could jot down a new idea.
The conversation with Roza had been like a spell, psychically connecting"
page
97
The conversation with Roza had been like a spell, psychically connecting"
July 16, 2023
–
31.31%
"As for me, I did feel for Wren, now the subject of Roza's prickliness. I knew how awful and destabilizing it was.
At the same time, I couldn't help but feel a burst of glee.
Wren was always so confident in her perfection. Seeing her questioned and criticized - by Roza, no less - was like watching a powerful dictator get taken to task."
page
98
At the same time, I couldn't help but feel a burst of glee.
Wren was always so confident in her perfection. Seeing her questioned and criticized - by Roza, no less - was like watching a powerful dictator get taken to task."
July 16, 2023
–
31.63%
"She gazed at me. There it was: that vague disgust I remembered so well. But this time I had Big Writing Energy, and it shielded me and kept me calm."
page
99
July 16, 2023
–
31.95%
""Okay. Totally." She was mocking me.
My stomach dropped. This was the worst of all of Wren's moods: when she acted like a thirteen-year-old mean girl."
page
100
My stomach dropped. This was the worst of all of Wren's moods: when she acted like a thirteen-year-old mean girl."
July 16, 2023
–
32.27%
"Now Wren wore a quizzical look, like a child wondering what would happen after she pulled all the legs off a spider.
...
She froze. Her nostrils flared. This was the part we weren't supposed to talk about. I felt a sudden pleasure in going there, in forcing her to listen to the words."
page
101
...
She froze. Her nostrils flared. This was the part we weren't supposed to talk about. I felt a sudden pleasure in going there, in forcing her to listen to the words."
July 16, 2023
–
32.91%
"As I left the parlor, the flat, heavy feeling in my chest began melting into anger. The rage radiated like a burn. Of course Wren would dismiss what had happened. Of course she would make me feel like the irrational and pathetic one.
This had always been a part of our friendship, the darkest part. When Wren got into one of her moods and there was no one else there to pick at, she'd take it out on me."
page
103
This had always been a part of our friendship, the darkest part. When Wren got into one of her moods and there was no one else there to pick at, she'd take it out on me."
July 16, 2023
–
33.87%
"How could she act like that - like nothing had happened, like nothing was wrong?
But Wren did this. With most people, if you pissed her off, she was done and moved on immediately. I'd returned home to our apartment more than once to find a guy waiting on the steps with a hangdog expression, desperate to talk to her. And once she'd shown me a text conversation, dozens of unanswered gray lines on her phone screen"
page
106
But Wren did this. With most people, if you pissed her off, she was done and moved on immediately. I'd returned home to our apartment more than once to find a guy waiting on the steps with a hangdog expression, desperate to talk to her. And once she'd shown me a text conversation, dozens of unanswered gray lines on her phone screen"
July 16, 2023
–
34.5%
""Whoa." I took the vial. The small glass stopper had a hole connecting it to the sterling chain. "Is this a murder weapon?"
MURDER WEAPON!!!!"
page
108
MURDER WEAPON!!!!"
July 16, 2023
–
34.82%
"And the tension was gone. But her flirtatious look - and maybe I'd made it up? - had made me feel something sharp. I couldn't tell if it was excitement or fear."
page
109
July 16, 2023
–
36.42%
""Well." Roza settled herself into the same chair, tucking her bare feet under her. "Tonight we will play our first game."
The wine had made me feel almost obscenely relaxed, but now I tensed up. I was not a game person. It tended to bring out my insecurities, especially when I had to do something like perform. Wren had often pushed charades at parties when she was drunk and restless."
page
114
The wine had made me feel almost obscenely relaxed, but now I tensed up. I was not a game person. It tended to bring out my insecurities, especially when I had to do something like perform. Wren had often pushed charades at parties when she was drunk and restless."
July 16, 2023
–
36.42%
"She surrounds herself with assholes, and, worse, she doesn't fight back against them. I get frustrated."
page
114
July 16, 2023
–
36.42%
"Ghost stories: they reminded me of long-ago sleepovers, whispered tales in the dark, the delicious fear that would climb up your spine as you snuggled in your sleeping bag."
page
114
July 16, 2023
–
36.74%
"I stiffened, staring at Wren with amazement. This was MY story. Wren was telling my story as if it was hers. I looked at Roza, but she was smiling, just taking it in."
page
115
July 16, 2023
–
37.06%
"A dark fury gripped my spine. How dare she? She was telling my story, in almost my exact words. And with every sentence it was like she was stealing it: my memory. My experience. Using me, taking from me, as she'd always done.
I wanted to run at her, covering her mouth, tackling her to the floor.
But I couldn't. Because then I'd be the crazy one."
page
116
I wanted to run at her, covering her mouth, tackling her to the floor.
But I couldn't. Because then I'd be the crazy one."
July 16, 2023
–
37.38%
"I struggled to lower my voice but I couldn't. All the disbelief and rage poured out like toxic sludge.
...
"You can't DO that. You can't just take whatever you want." My hands were curled into claws, and I forced them under my thighs. The rage was back, coursing through my body. I wanted to throttle her, then rip off her skull and throw it into the fire."
page
117
...
"You can't DO that. You can't just take whatever you want." My hands were curled into claws, and I forced them under my thighs. The rage was back, coursing through my body. I wanted to throttle her, then rip off her skull and throw it into the fire."
July 16, 2023
–
37.38%
"I don't know how she gets so enraged over this, but then allows Roza to walk all over her."
page
117
July 16, 2023
–
37.7%
""No," Roza said. "You have to finish the game."
"I don't want to play the game." I hated the whininess in my voice. "Plus I don't have a story."
But SHE CAVES. STOP CAVING. TELL HER TO FUCK OFF! What is wrong with you!?!?!"
page
118
"I don't want to play the game." I hated the whininess in my voice. "Plus I don't have a story."
But SHE CAVES. STOP CAVING. TELL HER TO FUCK OFF! What is wrong with you!?!?!"
July 16, 2023
–
37.7%
"By this time I'd refilled my glass and had silently drunk myself into a haze. The hatred burned in my chest like a tiny furnace.
THE SHINING"
page
118
THE SHINING"
July 16, 2023
–
38.02%
"I think this part is hinting that Roza killed her BFF. I'm thinking Roza might be a Gone Girl. True? Just a theory as of now."
page
119
July 16, 2023
–
38.34%
"There was some dark energy at Blackbriar that lived in the walls. It felt connected to the random story that had streamed out of my mouth so easily.
And how had Wren told my story so flawlessly? At least she'd had the decency not to share the ending. How I'd gone home that night to hear Mom and Dad fighting upstairs. That wasn't unusual. What was unusual was the sharp crack and Mom's hoarse cry. Standing outside"
page
120
And how had Wren told my story so flawlessly? At least she'd had the decency not to share the ending. How I'd gone home that night to hear Mom and Dad fighting upstairs. That wasn't unusual. What was unusual was the sharp crack and Mom's hoarse cry. Standing outside"
July 16, 2023
–
38.34%
"Behind me, something moved in the dim gloom.
I whipped around.
In that moment, someone blew the last candle out."
page
120
I whipped around.
In that moment, someone blew the last candle out."
July 16, 2023
–
38.66%
"Everyone stared, displeased, like I was a raccoon who'd wandered into the house.
A repeat, much like her repeating over and over about Roza breaking skulls and looking at brains."
page
121
A repeat, much like her repeating over and over about Roza breaking skulls and looking at brains."
July 16, 2023
–
39.3%
"This book is making me want to wear jasmine perfume and drink tea all the time."
page
123
July 16, 2023
–
39.62%
"I was suddenly scared of the railing breaking under our combined weight, of falling two floors below, but that, too, added to the rising tension: the raw mixture of lust and fear and anger and submission and even hate, all swelling under her firm, swift movements."
page
124
July 16, 2023
–
40.58%
"After Wren and I had hooked up in real life, I'd spent about a day in a confused, liminal space. I'd always considered our friendship purely platonic. I'd been attracted to Wren's energy, sure, and I'd admired her beauty many times. But I'd never felt a physical desire for her - or for any other woman. for that matter. After watching Ursula meet her girlfriend, I'd briefly wondered if I should expand my dating"
page
127
July 16, 2023
–
41.53%
"The words drifted back in her husky voice: The writer's mind is a channel. When we open, glorious truths can flow in.
The question then became: What - or who - was I channeling?"
page
130
The question then became: What - or who - was I channeling?"
July 16, 2023
–
42.49%
""Suffering attaches itself to people."
"Oh." I winced.
"It makes for the best writing, dear." It was bright in the room, the pale daylight streaming in. A few dust motes danced between us. "Everyone suffers, of course. You can't be a person and not suffer. But there are deeper traumas. Generational. They're encoded in your DNA. The Holocaust. Slavery. Genocide. A reminder of the human depths of depravity. You"
page
133
"Oh." I winced.
"It makes for the best writing, dear." It was bright in the room, the pale daylight streaming in. A few dust motes danced between us. "Everyone suffers, of course. You can't be a person and not suffer. But there are deeper traumas. Generational. They're encoded in your DNA. The Holocaust. Slavery. Genocide. A reminder of the human depths of depravity. You"
July 16, 2023
–
43.13%
""We were friends again. But when she got sick, I realized my punishment hadn't been enough. There was still more reckoning to be done, for the sins of her parents. I don't know who or what decides those things. But it was very clear to me what was happening."
I nodded, unsure of how to respond.
"You want a moral to the story, yes?" Roza reached out and grasped my hand. "Here's one. The moral is that we don't"
page
135
I nodded, unsure of how to respond.
"You want a moral to the story, yes?" Roza reached out and grasped my hand. "Here's one. The moral is that we don't"
July 16, 2023
–
43.77%
"This book is all about secret lesbianism. On a lot of various levels. It's kind of Victorian, in a way."
page
137
July 16, 2023
–
44.73%
""Poppy?" I said.
She turned around slowly.
I braced myself for a horrific sight: her face half-eaten away or her eyes glowing red.
But it was just her. Her large, walnut-colored eyes peered at me. And yet... it was like she didn't see me. It was like she was looking through me, like I didn't exist."
page
140
She turned around slowly.
I braced myself for a horrific sight: her face half-eaten away or her eyes glowing red.
But it was just her. Her large, walnut-colored eyes peered at me. And yet... it was like she didn't see me. It was like she was looking through me, like I didn't exist."
July 16, 2023
–
45.37%
""I've been sleeping terribly. And having nightmares."
"About what?" ...
"I'm not quite sure." She screwed up her eyes. "I just remember flashes. Being outside in the snow. I'm all wet and someone's dragging me by the arms. Then... being in this dark place. It's freezing. And there's this smell..."
THE SHINING"
page
142
"About what?" ...
"I'm not quite sure." She screwed up her eyes. "I just remember flashes. Being outside in the snow. I'm all wet and someone's dragging me by the arms. Then... being in this dark place. It's freezing. And there's this smell..."
THE SHINING"
July 16, 2023
–
46.65%
""Thanks for telling me," I said. "I appreciate that. And it feels good to know you have my back."
"No problem." Taylor scrunched her nose. "I hate mean girls.""
page
146
"No problem." Taylor scrunched her nose. "I hate mean girls.""
July 16, 2023
–
48.24%
""Wait, what?" Keira straightened. "You put something in the punch?"
I looked around; Wren's drink was nearly gone. Keira had the most left, maybe a half inch.
Roza tapped at her empty glass. "Ladies, do you trust me?"
My stomach dipped like I'd been walking on solid ground only to find my foot plunging through air."
page
151
I looked around; Wren's drink was nearly gone. Keira had the most left, maybe a half inch.
Roza tapped at her empty glass. "Ladies, do you trust me?"
My stomach dipped like I'd been walking on solid ground only to find my foot plunging through air."
July 16, 2023
–
48.56%
"A hysterical thought arose: Who would've thought my first drugging would be from my feminist heroine?"
page
152
July 16, 2023
–
49.2%
""What about Keira?" I asked.
"What about her?" Roza gazed at me.
"I mean... I feel bad. She's alone."
"Her choice." Roza shrugged.
But it WASN'T her choice.
What was there to do? As Taylor had said, this was happening whether we liked it or not.
Roza is a total fucking psycho and probable murderer IMO. But I can't help be frustrated with the other characters for just putting up with her shit."
page
154
"What about her?" Roza gazed at me.
"I mean... I feel bad. She's alone."
"Her choice." Roza shrugged.
But it WASN'T her choice.
What was there to do? As Taylor had said, this was happening whether we liked it or not.
Roza is a total fucking psycho and probable murderer IMO. But I can't help be frustrated with the other characters for just putting up with her shit."
July 16, 2023
–
49.52%
"The linear dimension of time was breaking down, the boundaries thinning."
page
155
July 16, 2023
–
50.16%
""Alex." The whisper came from the right, from deeper in the maze.
I would have expected to be more scared. But as it was, I just felt curious. This creature had tried to communicate with me before during the ghost story game. But I'd run off before it could speak.
Now I followed it deeper into the basement, past towering stacks of boxes and sheet-covered furniture. The space was a winding labyrinth, lying"
page
157
I would have expected to be more scared. But as it was, I just felt curious. This creature had tried to communicate with me before during the ghost story game. But I'd run off before it could speak.
Now I followed it deeper into the basement, past towering stacks of boxes and sheet-covered furniture. The space was a winding labyrinth, lying"
July 16, 2023
–
50.48%
"Christina was ahead of me, pulling me behind her. I couldn't see her in the dark, but I got a whiff of the vanilla body spray she'd loved. I felt a rush of grief, as if she were dead, even though she was right in front of me."
page
158
July 16, 2023
–
50.48%
"And then she appeared, lit up like a neon sign. Cross-legged, she still rose above me. Her arms and legs were the size of tree trunks; her bare breasts large as basketballs. Her body glowed orange-red like a furnace.
Lamia.
The whispers fell silent. A great and terrible beauty emanated form her, a power so palpable, it surged off her in waves."
page
158
Lamia.
The whispers fell silent. A great and terrible beauty emanated form her, a power so palpable, it surged off her in waves."
July 16, 2023
–
50.8%
"Physical release would mean I was signing a contract, bonding myself to her forever. There would be no escape."
page
159
July 16, 2023
–
52.08%
"The Twilight Zone-esque thought came to me as I hopped down the stairs: What if everyone had disappeared? What if I found myself alone at Blackbriar, haunted by an erotic yet terrifying demoness?"
page
163
July 16, 2023
–
52.4%
"First Pete, then the dream with Wren, now this. Why did all my sexual experiences have to leave me feeling confusion and shame?
BOOK OF THE MOST PRECIOUS SUBSTANCE"
page
164
BOOK OF THE MOST PRECIOUS SUBSTANCE"
July 16, 2023
–
52.72%
"That feeling of doom had continued, nibbling away at me like tiny fish."
page
165
July 16, 2023
–
53.35%
""Do you see it?" Wren pointed with one shaking finger.
I stepped closer. My heart thrummed so intensely it felt on the verge of exploding.
Yes, I could see it. I pressed my arms against my chest, shaking from cold and fear and shock.
In the snow that covered the cement stairs, there were indentations, shallow but unmistakable.
Footprints."
page
167
I stepped closer. My heart thrummed so intensely it felt on the verge of exploding.
Yes, I could see it. I pressed my arms against my chest, shaking from cold and fear and shock.
In the snow that covered the cement stairs, there were indentations, shallow but unmistakable.
Footprints."
July 16, 2023
–
54.31%
"She held her face in her hands, then cried: "You happy, Roza? Is this enough suffering for you?"
Heading to the door, Roza didn't respond."
page
170
Heading to the door, Roza didn't respond."
July 16, 2023
–
54.95%
"Panic rose, breaking through icy numbness. I jumped up and realized everyone was staring at me."
page
172
July 16, 2023
–
55.27%
"She's not who she claims to be.
Who on earth had she been talking about? Roza? Wren? Some figment of her imagination?
The questions felt solid, an iron bar I could cling to, to avoid dropping into a bottomless cavern of horror."
page
173
Who on earth had she been talking about? Roza? Wren? Some figment of her imagination?
The questions felt solid, an iron bar I could cling to, to avoid dropping into a bottomless cavern of horror."
July 16, 2023
–
55.59%
"The mystery was expanding. I felt a ripple of hysteria creep up my shoulder blades."
page
174
July 16, 2023
–
55.91%
""I just want to get the hell out of here."
First sensible thing anyone's said the entire book!"
page
175
First sensible thing anyone's said the entire book!"
July 16, 2023
–
56.87%
"As Wren and I descended the steps, the immense incongruity struck me: after two weeks of being each other's nemeses, we were now a team, following clues like the Hardy Boys.
I never could've imagined it. Not in a million years."
page
178
I never could've imagined it. Not in a million years."
July 16, 2023
–
57.19%
"DON'T tell her that!!!! Are you STUPID?! Why is the MC in this book SO DUMB?!!?!?"
page
179
July 16, 2023
–
57.51%
"I leaned my forehead against the cool concrete blocks, taking deep breaths, trying to quell the rage. And as quickly as it had surged, it ebbed away. In its place was desolation, a dark well with no bottom."
page
180
July 16, 2023
–
58.47%
"Sixteen days at Blackbriar and my sense of reality had been completely dismantled. If I were back in my Brooklyn apartment, I'd know if I was being unreasonable or if this level of duplicitousness was an actual possibility. Here, where Daphne's demoness paintings covered the walls and secret chambers lurked, it was impossible to tell."
page
183
July 16, 2023
–
58.79%
"I studied Roza. If my new theory was right - if this was all planned - the police would never come, because they hadn't been contacted."
page
184
July 16, 2023
–
59.74%
"The act of following caused fear to wrap around my throat. Not that I was afraid she'd catch me, necessarily: I could just say I had a question for her.
Mayne it was the horror of what I might hear."
page
187
Mayne it was the horror of what I might hear."
July 16, 2023
–
60.7%
"It wasn't until Keira and I were heading down the stairs that Taylor's words hit, making my whole body tingle with fear.
Someone else we've never seen."
page
190
Someone else we've never seen."
July 16, 2023
–
61.02%
"The reality of the situation took a second to hit.
There was no radio. No phone. No connection to the outside world.
Keira looked at me, and the same thought hovered between us: we were completely on our own."
page
191
There was no radio. No phone. No connection to the outside world.
Keira looked at me, and the same thought hovered between us: we were completely on our own."
July 16, 2023
–
63.58%
"The new uncertainties were making me feel hot and prickly, like I had a full-body sunburn. But nothing was what it seemed in Blackbriar. For all I knew, Wren and I were the only ones who weren't a part of this, some kind of sick Roza reality show."
page
199
July 16, 2023
–
63.9%
"I heaved a sigh as I checked my phone and left the room. Too many unanswerable questions. And this was what happened here: more and more, the thick walls of practical reality crumbled down, leaving you stranded in a fog."
page
200
July 16, 2023
–
64.22%
"Metallic fear rose in my throat. Somehow, Yana finding me was worse than Roza. Yana was a wild card. A vivid image arose in my mind: her spotting me, striding over, and lowering her hands to my throat with her usual blank expression."
page
201
July 16, 2023
–
64.86%
"I'd been looking for a secret passageway; I'd found it.
And I wanted nothing more than to race back to my room and lock the door.
A powerful dread squeezed my ribs, so strong that I doubled over.
You can leave, I told myself. I could lie and say I hadn't found anything. That's what they were expecting to hear, anyway.
But of course that wasn't going to happen. Because I had to know.
I forced myself to stand."
page
203
And I wanted nothing more than to race back to my room and lock the door.
A powerful dread squeezed my ribs, so strong that I doubled over.
You can leave, I told myself. I could lie and say I hadn't found anything. That's what they were expecting to hear, anyway.
But of course that wasn't going to happen. Because I had to know.
I forced myself to stand."
July 16, 2023
–
65.18%
"Then I hesitated. I loved horror movies, but I had always blamed the protagonists - mostly women - for flagrantly disregarding signs of danger. Was I really going to do the same? Even as I wondered, I was already lowering myself down the creaky steps."
page
204
July 16, 2023
–
65.81%
""Watch out!" she cried but it was already too late.
Something lodged in the back of my neck, painful as a bee sting.
Instantly, without ceremony, everything went black.
OMG, this is getting BSC, guys! Totally off the rails and it is addicting!!!!!"
page
206
Something lodged in the back of my neck, painful as a bee sting.
Instantly, without ceremony, everything went black.
OMG, this is getting BSC, guys! Totally off the rails and it is addicting!!!!!"
July 16, 2023
–
69.33%
"I'd returned from whatever shocked, numbed place I'd fallen into. Now I was attempting to manage the desperate jolts of helplessness that sizzled in my chest."
page
217
July 16, 2023
–
69.97%
""We're going to get through this." I said the word slowly, like an incantation.
But the phrase sounded hollow, even to me."
page
219
But the phrase sounded hollow, even to me."
July 16, 2023
–
76.36%
"Eventually her exhales evened out as she fell asleep. My mind continued to whir, the thoughts bouncing like pool balls around my skull.
Eventually, I drifted into sleep, but my dreams were filled with danger, something slithering thorough the dark towards me, getting closer with every breath."
page
239
Eventually, I drifted into sleep, but my dreams were filled with danger, something slithering thorough the dark towards me, getting closer with every breath."
July 16, 2023
–
80.19%
"It's amusing to me that Bartz is a talented writer and her MC, Alex, is... not. Reading her excerpts is like... what."
page
251
July 16, 2023
–
81.15%
"The icy wind hit me in the face. The fresh air was sweet as ice cream and I gulped it in."
page
254
July 16, 2023
–
81.79%
"In the basement, I took a deep breath. The sadness faded and a delicate sense of peace settled on me, instead. It told me that the only way to get through this was to listen to myself. Rather, my body.
She would know what to do."
page
256
She would know what to do."
July 16, 2023
–
82.75%
"The heavy coat was making me sweat. But at the thought of taking it off, something in my recoiled.
I was a wolf now. A wolf couldn't peel off her fur."
page
259
I was a wolf now. A wolf couldn't peel off her fur."
July 16, 2023
–
84.35%
"This time the stains were beautiful watercolor strokes of salmon and rose against the pure snow."
page
264
July 16, 2023
–
84.98%
"She didn't respond. We sat in silence. I realized how relieved I felt. Regardless of Wren's reaction, I'd done the thing I'd never thought I could do. I'd accepted responsibility."
page
266
July 16, 2023
–
92.01%
"Where did one's power lie in a world that stripped it from you, over and over again? How could we reclaim it when the dominant forces dangled it above our heads, shouting: Only the strong survive? Was harming others the only way? Or was that a trick too?
Maybe the answer was even simpler than I could have imagined. Maybe the power had never really gone away. Maybe it still lived in me, in my guts, in my bones."
page
288
Maybe the answer was even simpler than I could have imagined. Maybe the power had never really gone away. Maybe it still lived in me, in my guts, in my bones."
July 16, 2023
–
92.33%
""You can't be done."
I snorted. The sound startled me but then I laughed again, exuberant. The power of my resistance filled me, sparkling like a billion twinkling stars.
What was that movie? THE HUNT (2020)"
page
289
I snorted. The sound startled me but then I laughed again, exuberant. The power of my resistance filled me, sparkling like a billion twinkling stars.
What was that movie? THE HUNT (2020)"
July 16, 2023
–
93.29%
"It was then that I noticed something - someone - creeping towards us. At first I thought it was a trick of the candlelight, but then the shadow solidified, an indistinct but tangible figure crouched low to the ground. It slunk closer, moving silently under the buffalo head."
page
292
July 16, 2023
–
97.44%
"But I still wondered: How could the traumatic experiences feel more solid and real than my actual life?"
page
305
July 16, 2023
–
98.72%
"...that girls didn't have to be sweet little creatures, that they could in fact be angry and dark and sexual."
page
309
July 16, 2023
–
100.0%
"THE END REVIEW TO COME
Book was BSC, which I honestly found delightful"
page
313
Book was BSC, which I honestly found delightful"
July 17, 2023
–
Finished Reading
Comments Showing 1-16 of 16 (16 new)
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Looks like I was wrong about the cover, Moneypenny. This looked like a generic Agatha Christie knockoff to me too. I'm adding it to my reading docket. I'm psyched that female darkness or female fuckery is having a moment and am curious to see where this author goes with that. I love the "related materials" you included. Terrific review, but you never write anything but.Thank you so much, Joseph! I'm so glad we were BOTH wrong on our initial assessment here. It's not as good as PRECIOUS SUBSTANCE, but I'll take what I can get. :)
Oooh great review! I've heard really good things about this one.
Nenia ✨ I yeet my books back and forth ✨ wrote: "Oooh great review! I've heard really good things about this one."I had heard ZERO about it, so I was quite surprised. That's okay, I like going into a book as cold as possible. Frozen, if possible. However, I think the author deserves some acclaim for this, so it makes me feel better you are hearing good things. :)
Dan wrote: "Great review, Carmen!"Thank you so much, Dan!
Fantastic review, Carmen! I loved this one too
Summer wrote: "Fantastic review, Carmen! I loved this one too"Thank you so much, Summer!
Rowan wrote: "Fantastic review, Carmen! 😊"Thank you so much, Rowan.
Anne wrote: "Thanks for the review!"You're so welcome, Anne!
Excellent review, Carmen! You definitely sold me on this book! Looking forward to reading this very soon! :)
Rachel wrote: "Excellent review, Carmen! You definitely sold me on this book! Looking forward to reading this very soon! :)"Thank you so much, Rachel! It was a good one!
Glad you loved it, I saw many mixed reviews.
BonnieM☂️ wrote: "Glad you loved it, I saw many mixed reviews."Thank you so much, Bonnie. Not what I expected, but good nonetheless. :)
Looks like I was wrong about the cover, Moneypenny. This looked like a generic Agatha Christie knockoff to me too. I'm adding it to my reading docket. I'm psyched that female darkness or female fuckery is having a moment and am curious to see where this author goes with that. I love the "related materials" you included. Terrific review, but you never write anything but.