You start small.

I know how it feels to have that little voice dictating everything that you do, and telling you that the people in your past or present know what’s best for you — even if they never did. Feeling like you constantly need to be on the look-out for others opinions so you can be sure that you’re doing things right. Needing some kind of external direction for even the most personal decisions.

So you start as small as you can. If there’s someone in your life you are taking personal direction from (what you wear, how much you eat, what you believe), push back (safely) on small things. If they obviously don’t approve of what you’re wearing, wear it anyway. If they are passive aggressive about how much you’re eating, eat anyway. Say “I really like this [item of clothing], I’m so excited to wear it” or “I’m still hungry, and this food is delicious!” Make it less about what they think (which could be taken as an argument) and more about your personal feelings towards an item or activity. Those are harder to refute.

Don’t see their difference in opinion as a demand or a call to change. See it as it is — a difference in perspective that you can accept or not accept. If you find that your beliefs are not your own, sit down and try to write what you believe. Have experiences that the person wouldn’t approve of, and see how YOU feel about it. Compile those into your core beliefs, and build upon them with every new experience. Don’t be afraid to have different or similar ideas than another person.

Don’t argue with the person when those beliefs collide — instead, just state fact: “I believe this, and you believe that”, “You are more than welcome to believe that”, “We believe different things, and that’s okay”. This more works with things like religion, health, and CERTAIN political views. With things like human rights or beliefs that directly harm others, it’s best either ignore, say you would rather not discuss it (even if they take it as a “win”), or say something like “that’s really hateful”. Again, only stating facts. If they are willing to learn, that’s a different story, but you shouldn’t try to educate them before then. That isn’t your job.

If you just have an internal monologue of set, impersonal beliefs that smack your brain with a ruler any time you try to go against it, you need to practice speaking to yourself. Nicely, but firmly.

Say:

“Yes, they believed that. But I might not. I want to see for myself.”

“I don’t think it’s right to be that angry at certain people that are just existing.”

“That’s a really hateful way to think. I don’t think that’s true.”

“I believe part of that, but you took it too far. I want to use a little more nuance.”

“I might believe that, but this way of talking about it is really harmful. Let me try speaking to myself and others more nicely.”

If you have an open monologue with your brain, it can help you work together towards a more personal belief system.

I really hope this helps! And I know it’s easier said than done, so take it slowly.

That is a very complicated - but unfortunately common - occurrence.

There are a lot of defining factors that could be used to predict what would happen to your autistic character if they were put into this situation. However, I would do a lot of research on this subject, especially if you are not autistic yourself.

I sure can help you get started, though:

1. Overstimulation

There are many ways that an autistic person could react to overstimulation in this situation. They could become extremely withdrawn, be physically or emotionally angry, try to become subservient to the people around them by learning just the right things to say, and many more! This all depends on things such as gender roles, the particular form of abuse they go through, and personality.

2. Stimming

Their stimming, depending on whether or not it’s punished or even acknowledged, could either be painfully masked or completely out of control. They could stim in ways that harm themselves, such as scratching their arms, or others, like biting. When I was a kid, I used to bite my arm when I was really upset. They could also mask to such a degree that they hardly stim at all, or stim in “socially acceptable” ways. They could drink alcohol (if their parents leave it around the house), smoke, seek stimulation through thrill-seeking, listen to loud music, and more.

3. Masking

Masking is a form of protecting oneself, so it makes sense that if someone was in a stressful, abusive situation, they would mask more. As said above, they could choose “socially acceptable” ways to find relief, or only unmask in private. Or maybe they have to unmask more to find relief in such a stressful environment, which causes their environment to become more stressful. This could cause a vicious cycle that only leads to more abuse and misery.

4. Hyperfixations/Special Interests

This could be the only form of self-stimulation they have. Maybe they keep it private so they keep up an image of maturity, or maybe they try to share it with apathetic classmates. They may only engage in private, or with one or two people that they trust. Maybe this special interest lays dormant until someone helps bring it alive again, because, before then, they didn’t feel safe feeling any strong emotion about anything.

I hope this helps! Again, I advise you do a lot of research, and talk to a lot of autistic people. But maybe this can answer a few questions you have.