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conversations overhead through the batkid com lines pt. 32 (masterpost here)
Dick: that fucker- i swear to god, he took his belt Hood; he tried to whip me.
Jason: you have to admit Gotham criminals do get creative when you corner them.
Dick, supremely sarcastic: yeah it's so great. shit that stings.
*ping*
*loud, incomprehensible cackles*
Damian, distant: SHUT UP.
Tim, laughing uncontrollably: GUYS- GUYS OH MY GOD-
Dick: ...you two ok?
Damian, still distant: DISCONNECT FROM THEIR FUCKING LINE, DRAKE. IT'S NOT FUNNY-!
Tim, weeping: oh my- oh my god it's so funny- guys you aren't going to fucking believe this-!
Jason, already amused: oh great, the kids brought entertainment for the night.
Tim, still laughing: so we're- me and Damian are working, right? and- and we're watching this group of kids running around the street and i say 'man, we should get some crossing guards to work the nights, too' and Dami goes, 'what the fuck is a crossing guard?'-
Damian, whining: STOP.
Tim: *wheeze* and- and i'm like, what do you mean what's a crossing guard, you've seen crossing guards before, right? so i google crossing guard on my phone and i show a picture to him, and he fucking- Damian looks me dead in the eyes and he goes 'no, that's a lolipop lady, and it's ai.'
Jason, snickering: sorry, what?
Tim, giggling: and i go, 'what do you mean, ai?' and he- swear to god he looks at me completely serious and he says 'lolipop ladies are mythological, like unicorns. they aren't real, so that's an ai image.' and i- *breaks into a wheeze*
Jason: OH, MY GOD, OH MY GOD I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED,
Dick, laughing: what the hell...?
*ping*
Damian: STOP LAUGHING IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
Jason: *cackles manically* GOD, remind me to send Benji a Christmas card this year, what a fucking legend.
Dick: who's Benji?
Jason, still laughing: he was a- he was one of the guys at the league that worked as Damian's tutor, and he- Day come on we've been over this, anything Benji told you was a lie,
Damian, desperate: BUT LOLIPOP LADY IS SUCH A STUPID NAME?!
Jason, laughing louder: BECAUSE IT'S NOT WHAT THEY'RE CALLED, THAT'S JUST A BRITISH PEOPLE TERM! BENJI WAS FUCKING WITH YOU!
Tim, delirious from laughter: if you don't- please explain, i swear to god i'm about to pass out-
Jason: Benji did not like children, so he would lie to Damian a lot as like, revenge for having to take care of him. it was fucking hysterical to watch. he was also a londoner, so Damian has like. no idea what that part of the world is like. all he knows are lies.
Damian, petulantly: fucking hated that man-
Jason, airily: i loved him, he was great.
Tim: *wheezing* 'they're mythological, like unicorns' and he's talking about a fucking crossing guard-
Damian: SHUT. UP.
Dick: aw, Dami, it's ok! we were all young once!
Damian: you should have fallen with your parents.
*a beat of silence*
Dick: alright, fuck me i guess?
Jason and Tim: *lose it*
I bet young Ilya Rozanov never thought he’d get slapped in the face with that tism rizz and he would be so fucking cooked.
This man has eight of the same shirt and five of the same hoodie. This man memorizes hockey stats for fun. This man will have a cold ginger ale. This man will look awkwardly at the camera with a smile like he wants to incinerate himself in every wet t-shirt contest sports drink ad his mom books for him. This man will take everything you say absolutely literally. That’s French, Ilya. You just said a French word and we’re talking about Russian, are you unfamiliar with your own language. This man takes three days to recognize a social cue. And ten years to name an emotion. You’ll tell him you like him in the most roundabout way and you’ll think you NAILED it, and he’ll promptly have a panic attack on your dick. When he names that emotion finally? He’ll be absolutely relentless and will not stand down; he’s had an emotion and he knows you have one, too. By that point, there’s no escape. He’s imprinted on you and is starting to ovulate in your vicinity. He will bludgeon you with adorable nerd and insatiable ass. And his oral fixation is so mighty he’ll suck your remaining brain cells out through your dick.
This man drives a Range Rover because it’s good in the snow. This man does a loon call. This man will make you eight cheeseburgers. Buddy it’s over for you.
Yuna and David having watched their autistic son be so isolated all of his adult life and never having a happy relationship or close friends who understand his anxiety and then finding out that the man they’ve spent a decade hating on his behalf can casually talk him down from a panic attack in less than a minute
You: *holding Damian on your hip* don’t talk to me or my son again.
Baby!Damian: yeah!
Tim: you’ve watched over him for a week and suddenly you’re his primary caregiver?
Jason: all I said was that he’s a scrawny guy, couldn’t life a set of weights if he tried.
Dick: we’ve only made the bond stronger in our absence. Shit.
Duke: *to dick* it’s not a symbiotic relationship.
Dick: *to duke* it might as well be!
Bruce: *about you and baby!Damian* I’m glad they’re getting along.
me liking every post i see just to see the cute lil snowman ⛄️
@alialucille @renjitutsimaki wohhhhhhhhh
SNOWMAN
ch. 6
jason todd x reader
summary: in which you do not know your soulmate's family are all vigilantes and instead think you're in a soap opera
wc: 6.2k
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Questions used:
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
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DIABOLICAL. WHY THE MAO. THE MANOR. WILL BURN 😭
damian wayne is far stronger than me if i was sent away from my mother to live with a bunch of annoying white people in new jersey usa of all places i wouldve done far worse than attempt to kill tim drake a few times
