Ever since I saw that damn Taskmaster x Spamtenna animatic I had the urge to binge watch six whole Taskmaster episodes in a row (40 mins each) and pretend it was them un-divorced.
Two things have occurred:
- I went to bed at 4:30am
- I can't stop saying "It's little Alex Horne!" in that silly little voice as a vocal stim
I just woke up and I feel like a crossbreed between a neglected Sim and a lobotomy patient
Go watch Taskmaster!! It's all free on Youtube and it's hilarious, I wish british people were real...
Breaking down Jax's need of control
I'm so feral over Jax's behaviour in ep6. When it comes to hurting others and being hurt, I feel like Jax craves either the ability to avoid those things entirely or to at least chose when and how they happen.
I especially obsessed over the line "I'm the one who causes pain FOR FUN".
Jax is excrutiatingly aware he's bound to hurt the people around him, whether he wants it or not. Hurting those you care about is inevitable, simply for the fact that people are flawed. You'll say the wrong thing, you'll make mistakes, you'll be having a bad day and so on. However, in the particularly oppressive circumstances of the Circus, behaving in a considerate manner is even more difficult. Hurtful behaviours are not only more likely and frequent, but also capable of having more significant consequences (e.g. something small like not laughing at your friend's joke, it might have made Kaufmo's condition worse)
The closer you get to someone, the more vulnerable they are to you, and you to them, and that exposes Jax to risk. It's easy to dismiss it when someone you dislike or don't care about hurts you, but it's extra painful when it's coming from a friend.
He knows, he tells himself: "Oh, I see, I'm the one who causes pain."
I think not having control over the consequences of his actions makes Jax feel cornered. He can't stop hurting people, he can't escape the person he is nor his flaws, he is left with no choice, no power, no agency. So, how does he reclaim control? Intentionality.
"I'm the one who causes pain FOR FUN."
He claims the damage he causes is intentional because that puts him in a position of power. The pain he causes? His choice! Pushing people away? All on purpose, obviously! He pretends to have a say over the things he can't help. He chooses to be lonely. He chooses to be harsh and cruel. He chooses to have people hate him. Except...he doesn't! He needs to tell himself that he does, and to believe it. Otherwise, the inevitability of being a source of suffering makes him feel stripped of control over his actions, over his life.
He gives a LOT of importance to the idea of having a choice. When talking about everyone being an archetype, he says "I, at least, have the self-awareness to *chose* who I am." And he claims he choses to be "the funny one" to justify his actions and the distance he takes from people.
In his "pep talk" to Pomni, he insists on the fact that in the Circus "you can do whatever you want". Free choice.
He appears to be more disturbed than the others upon finding out Caine can alter their minds. Caine makes him vegan against his will, limiting or straight up taking away his freedom of choice (to eat meat in this case, but it could have been anything)
An insecure, fragile, most likely traumatized person like Jax hates to feel vulnerable, to feel small, at the mercy of things greater than him (even his own feelings), so he pretends to be above everyone, above friendship, above rules. Bigger, tougher, untouchable, in control.
He acts so nonchalant about everything and everyone that it feels as if he doesn't even care. He can't afford to care. He can't afford the risk to hurt and to be hurt, the risk that comes with every human bond.
But the urge to bond is too strong for humans, and so Jax is eroded by his self-inflicted isolation. Self-sabotage at its finest. I am going to be sick.