i'm audacious enough to believe i can do anything i want to do and have whatever i want to have as long as i'm doing the work it requires and showing up to receive it. i'm deeply invested in the life my future self lives and i do what i can each day to become more aligned with who she is what she does and what she desires. embodiment. i know that your future, as well as your past, is what you continuously do with your present so i never doubt that i'm capable of the things i want for myself. it's always just a matter of deciding what work i'm ready and willing to do.
i was looking through an old hard drive yesterday for old photos and i ran across some screenshots of texts messages between me and one of my exes. it was a conversation where he was expressing that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me because my consideration for the future made him feel stressed out and anxious. he said that thinking about the future was too serious. he said he was in his prime and should be pursuing connections with other women. he wanted to demote me from his girlfriend to his friend with benefits.
he wanted the parts of me that didn't require him to show up... for himself, really. he wanted me to be there emotionally, he wanted my encouragement and support, he wanted my company, he wanted access to my body. i kept assuring him that i would be his friend and that i would still have his back, but that i wouldn't be intimate with him anymore. that i wanted him to be happy, but that i couldn't abandon my self respect in order to see that through. i never want partnership to feel like a sacrifice of happiness for me or the other person.
he eventually "accepted" that i wasn't buying into the reality he was trying to sell me. i started to nurture other friendships and relationships in my life and he started to express that it was bothersome to him. i would ask why and he would eventually recant and redirect the conversation or end it. i was patient with consideration for the way things were changing and how frustrating that might be for him. i still showed up as the friend that i said i would be. but the dynamic between us eventually led to a sexually traumatic experience for me.
in an effort to not further digress, i'll just say i've run into similar forms of this dynamic a couple of times now. i used to wonder a lot what it was about visualizing a future with me that makes a man shut down, but i realize it wasn't me. it wasn't a future with me, it was the future in general. it's them operating out of a need for survival in a short-term sense. the world some of us live in makes foresight difficult for black people, and uniquely difficult for black men. it's hard to think about what you want (especially with another person) 5 years from now if you're not even confident about what your life will look like 5 days from now. anything outside of what they're presently capable of feels like pressure. it's not in their line of vision and feels like a critical distraction. i understand the thought process, but i can't allow myself to succumb to it. in fact, my "delusion" is what allows me to create your peace.
i can't move from lack. it's a crippling state of mind. when i was at my lowest, i always leaned into the areas in my life where abundance was present. sometimes, it was just spirit. i don't plan my life based on what i can quantify in the present. i navigate my life with consideration for what i want it to be. i decide things and then i commit to the decisions i make and shift things around as necessary when life and time inevitably evolves them. i'm not walking again because i sat and waited for things to change. i turned what appeared to others as my delusions into my reality by believing in myself, doing what was required, and allowing the pain and discomfort to heal and teach me. i couldn't put my love on the back burner as i navigated it because most of the time it was the extra push i needed.
i've changed many things in my life with this same "delusional" confidence in my ability to do and have anything. it has always been a matter of me paying attention to what was, making a decision, committing to the decision, and moving gracefully and lovingly away from things my movement doesn't match and toward the things it does. i've been keeping this at the top of mind. i'm honoring that voice inside me as best as i can. something about this year feels like more things are going to fall into place for me.
"patience is key, but so is impatience."
alignment comes from:
– the choices you make every day – choices that reflect your values – telling yourself the truth even when it’s uncomfortable – holding firm to what you will and won’t allow – trusting your first instinct – refusing to abandon your own needs – choosing peace over chaos – picking evolution instead of repeating what feels familiar – keeping promises you make to yourself – choosing long-term clarity over short-term comfort – protecting your mental and emotional energy – not performing for approval – walking away when something feels off, even if you can’t explain why – making decisions from your future self, not your fears – surrounding yourself with people who bring out your best – giving yourself permission to outgrow what no longer fits
for most of my life, i didn't have a friend in my dad but i always knew he would protect me if it came down to it. when i mourn him now its because we were the closest we'd ever been right before he passed away. so its less a feeling of losing what was and more a feeling of losing what could have been.
i finally started running into life experiences that i need him for when he was no longer here. that's been tough.
my parents had their issues (mostly due to personal and shared trauma and breakdowns in communication) but i enjoyed seeing the times when they were good. witnessing a man's man be tender with his lady. once he got out of his street pharmacy era and was spending more time in the house, he was such a romantic. my dad loved doing shit for my mom. he bought her flowers and cards all of the time. he always wrote in the cards too. he would make her coffee and breakfast in the morning and plan dinner dates.
i wish it wasn't so late. in the beginning, he prioritized provision but not really nurturing the relationship. his lifestyle wasn't really family oriented. he put money in the house, but not much else. infidelity played a part too. by the time he was ready to show up as the man my mom needed, she had already checked out emotionally. i wonder what would have become of their relationship if the traumatic parts didn't exist.
sometimes they felt like best friends and they would giggle like children. they would stay up late just talking. i think he grew to see the sanctuary my mom wanted to make of our family for him once she finally stopped caring. that makes me sad to think about. i'm glad i got to see glimpses of what that might've looked like if they could've heard and seen each other sooner.
1.8.26
this morning was rough. the weight of everything felt like it was suffocating me. i exhaled the feeling away. i didn't distract myself with work today. just kept breathing. went and got food and tea from modern tea room and came back to sylmar. my mom is currently on the phone half laughing with her cousin and trying to pass gas so she can leave tomorrow.
i'm just grateful. tired. but grateful.
