sisyphus is pushing the Boulder but he's drunk as fuck the whole time

u ever just sit and listen to the war happening in the trenches of ur small intestine

they are calling in fucking air strikes from the pancreas

My mom just told me when was my age she got pregnant while she had two different fwb situations going on and didn’t know who the dad was so she went to the guys separately and said “I’ll pay for half the abortion if you pay half” and collected half the money from each guy . Her mind

Y'all eat black eye peas on new years?

i got a freling

Oooooooh ooooooh

are you lost little boy

This is so much funnier than my caption, dammit

a guy shoots at me with a sniper rifle and I catch the bullet in my teeth and eat it, but he saw that coming and put poison in the bullet, but I saw that coming and drank an antidote ahead of time, but all those weird chemicals still give me a really bad kidney stone a few days later and I pass out from pain and crash my car into, by pure coincidence, the sniper

doesn't it piss you off that you have to find something to eat every single day. every one of them. just every day. you gotta eat something

The whole “protect the children” stuff makes a lot more sense when you realize that they treat their children like their possessions, so it’s less “let our children live their best lives” and more “don’t mess with my long term investment”

(via Habits)

it’s out i can’t stop it

stop using juuls with the fools and come smoke a blunt with a cunt

once you start typing in all lowercase you unfortunately kind of have to keep doing it forever or if you start capitalizing things people will think you’re either mad at them or having some kind of episode

I do love it when small children say something about my disability that clearly challenges their parent/carer to really think about disability in a way they haven’t before.

Today a small children turned to their dad and loudly said “Wow dad did you see how hurt that guy was?!”

And their dad was clearly thinking very hard and slowly said “well, he’s not exactly hurt?… more… that’s just how his body is”, as if he was thinking about the relationship between injury and disability for the first time.

It was a moment where the child and parent were learning together and from each other in a really wholesome way.

our walmart has like six different spots for “law enforcement parking” and yet the dipshit cops insist on parking ON the sidewalk directly next to the door

like many others of my kind i used to be the dog when roleplaying house with cousins but on top of that i was also obsessed with dying like every 5 minutes. id keel over and die of old age or pretend a car ran me over and id do it so often my cousins would beg me to stop killing myself cuz it was getting annoying