… And You Will Always Find Me

…is now complete.

So I’m not expecting a lot of traffic on this, considering this is a longish fic without a whole lot of plot … focusing on the least popular canon ship in Andor, albeit with a good side dollop of the most popular one. But it’s dark, angsty and talky. However, if you share my obsessions with guilt and grief and the way we deal with those you might like to give it a try. I also try to explore the idea of the Force (I’m a Star Wars agnostic), destiny and the implications of those. I’m a huge fan of Andor, unapologetically love Bix and Cassian, but a big part of that love is the moral mess of it all. 

Summary:

 If a loved one dies after a decision you made, to what extent does that make you responsible for their death? It's a question both Bix and Vel have to face. For both, finding strength from each other and from some surprising sources allows them to pass that strength on just when it's needed the most.

Spanning from 2 BBY and Bix leaving Cassian through to 3 ABY, this is about grief and guilt and dealing with both, whether or not those ways are 'healthy' or 'correct'. This is a dialogue and character heavy fic, with time and narrative jumps. It's kind of a follow-up to 'What We Stand to Lose' though you don't need to have read that one.

Extract below the cut

‘looking at you ✴️’

redraw of the drawing from ‘veil’ by kotteri ❤️ had so much fun drawing this :] can’t wait for season 2!!

Blossom and Blood

Sailing my favourite lonely ship again (kind of literally here)… First chapter is up on my new Bix x Cassian fic.

———

“Once again back in a ‘just good friends’ phase of their relationship Cassian attempts to cheer up a still-grieving Bix with a surprise luxury cruise holiday. As you might suspect, there’s a fair bit of deception going on here, of various kinds. Recklessly careless, Cassian ends up in trouble and another secret from the past returns to haunt him. Meanwhile, despite the cruise being far from plain sailing, Bix continues to heal in some surprising ways - some of which surprise herself more than anyone.

The main text is set several years before Andor Season 1, about a year after Cassian’s return from Mimban. The opening sections of each chapter in italics are my first tentative foray into their as yet unknown future, based on the Season 2 trailers. The original plan was to keep things relatively light for this one - but it’s hard to keep the angst away for long. Bix x Cassian at its most messy.”

https://archiveofourown.org/works/64418716/chapters/165395311

I knew a few of these, including the rather beautiful “petrichor”, but I’m reeling from the knowledge that I’m overly fond of interrobangs and that I can legitimately write a sentence like “Cassian Andor had a permanently wrinkled glabella when he was stressed, which was most of the time” - and get away with it. 

Brasso x Cassian hookup with angst and heartbreak - now complete! Come and get your tears, kinda sorta hurt-comfort and… a cameo from not Vetch but - Vetch’s parents!!

(Seriously though, please note tags for this one. )

“Set over the three days of Ferrix's main holiday, Brasso and Cassian arrive in a situation Brasso never expected. He is forced to evaluate anew his feelings about and his relationship with the enigmatic young man who has returned from youth prison and the horrors of Mimban with - to put it mildly - a whole new range of issues to add to his existing trauma. Brasso wants to help. Brasso is kind and selfless. But Brasso is himself vulnerable and far less strong than his appearance and outward character might indicate. His decision to help Cassian in whatever way he can has long-term consequences for them both.”

Sunday sentences

Last time I did this, a fortnight ago, I was excited to announce a new chapter of Counting on You. Now, I have part of a one-shot that isn't technically part of CoY or any of the other Brassian fics I've written, though it is also, essentially, the same as all of them and may as well be in the same universe.

The thing itching my brain this time was @distressednoise suggesting I think about Brasso nuzzling the scar from Cassian's blaster injury and not getting any easy answers. I decided to squeeze it in between the post-Aldhani fraught conversations with Maarva and Bix.

Once I get some time to write this should be quite a quick one :)

First Lines game

Rules: List the first lines of the last ten (10) stories you published. Look to see any patterns you notice youself and see if anyone else notices any. Then tag some friends. 

Thanks for the tag @faceofpoe! And just like you, I definitely agonise more over ending lines than opening ones. Nonetheless...

(All fics are Andor and Rogue One. Shamelessly.)

Truths and Consequences Can we go to your place?” Cassian asked, flatly. 

He's asking Brasso. This is one of those ‘try for a wham line opening and return to it later’ type-things. I do love my time jumps. It’s a Brassian tale and a WIP. 

Warming Up “Well, fuck this,” Jyn exclaimed matter-of-factly as she swept in out of the blizzard into the warmth of the shelter. 

Relatively uncomplicated and fluffy Rebelcaptain. Jyn generally 'swears like a trooper' in my headcanon and I would love to see a Rogue One edit where she’s swearing at the Troopers as she’s thwacking them. (Probably a lot to do with wanting to hear Felicity Jones swear.) 

Marking Time “I couldn’t sleep. Can I get in the bed with you?”

I’m noticing I’m quite fond of opening with a line of dialogue. This one is little girl Bix with her parents. It comes full circle in this Tear-Jerker ™ gen fic about the grieving process.

The Only Connection that Matters “Clem”. The complete unknown. Not only had Luthen managed to humiliate Vel by making her take on this mercenary (how terrifying, really, that his only commitment was to the money…), but he had also turned out to be really dislikeable. 

I'm cheating here with this angsty Velcinta fic - really just to show that the opening ‘sentence’ was not, in fact, a line of dialogue this time. 

Together, On This Beach I would have loved to cook for you, on a beach like this.

A relatively rare excursion to first person narrative for this shamelessly sentimental slice of sad Rebelcaptain. 

Rix Road (Andor S1 in never more than 12 drabbles) You are watching me as I work. 

Having said that, here’s another one!… but this is the last in my series of ‘Andor retold in drabbles’ so they’re all first person. This is Wilmon Paak building his bomb in the finale. Forgive me, but as it’s a series I’m going cheat too and go to the next ‘proper’ fic (I’m also ignoring poems)...

Salvage Operation I will find you. 

This is my ‘what happens next to the Ferrix crew’ fic with a particular focus on Bix, trying to start to heal herself by attempting to repair B2EMO. Probably the most (deliberately) disjointed thing I've written. Opening is one of my ‘multiple meanings and references!’ lines. I'm apparently a sucker for those.

Slipping The hospice we use as a safe house is a grim place, many levels down, and Andor’s been there too long already. 

My Luthen/Cassian series is all first person Luthen (so far) so I’m already reconsidering my comment above about it being rare for me. What with this and the drabbles… ok, yeah. 

Vision Jyn reaches over to their little container of wild towberries, grunting a little with the effort for she is not as flexible as she used to be. 

Another gentle Rebelcaptain (it seems to be my go-to ship for Being Nice To Cassian - as well as for killing him, obvs!) and one of my favourites as it deals with ageing - one of my pet themes. I think one of the tags is 'older people like sex too'.

Warm and Wet His full, beautiful smile returns, finally, when she moans at his touch.

Quite astonished really that I have to go this far back to find a Bixcassian story as it’s probably my favourite ship (and canonical - wheee!). I guess I should get back to this ‘early years Cassian is so very fucked-up, really’ series which does actually include a fair bit of recreational-writing smut alongside the all the inevitable idiots-in-love angst. 

My main conclusion is that I really should try and write something totally linear for once. Must be my failing attention span.

No pressure tagging: @laneboyheathens @distressednoise @ and @notasapleasure and anyone who would like to play.

Sharing dreams with ghosts

I’m making myself sad again by thinking of Ferrix, and specifically the cultural significance of its funerary rituals. Maarva referring to her older sister (she was six at her first funeral, the same age that Cassian becomes part of “the fight”) holding her hand. Wanting to be “lifted” by the dead, by being inspired by a self-eulogy. “Eulogy”… literally stemming from “good words” - but Maarva using her own self-deprecatingly, rueing that she didn’t start to fight back earlier.

Then you’ve got the question of Clem Andor and Salman Paak. Both executed by the Empire. Did they get funerals? At all? Or were they refused one… bricks straight to the wall instead? Does Wilmon ever get to caress and reminisce over his father’s brick as Cassian does with Clem’s ? The cruelty of this is appalling. The denial of a mourning ritual on Ferrix would be as bad as anything on Aldhani.

^ Cassian visits Clem’s brick

Bix is an orphan according to Gilroy but we know her father was alive in her living memory. When she hears the funeral music, she cries. But it also starts her healing process… and some part of her knows that, as she is physically dragged herself up to the window to listen. The catharsis of sadness and release allows her to start to claw back her identity. Maarva was like a mother to her too. I do wonder when she properly realises Maarva has died, but telling Cassian “Maarva was here!” and his response of “Wasn’t she great?” is one of the most heart-rending moments in the finale.

Then you have the other implied losses. Wilmon’s mother. Maarva’s sister. There are a few older people on the streets in episode 12, but you can realistically guess that Ferrix’s life expectancy figures are not great. Even before Imperial oppression. Life is tough there.

The whole story is heading towards death… those who will die in Season 2, those who will die in Rogue One… those billions who will die on Alderaan and throughout the war against Imperial tyranny.

Yet the story still manages to be uplifting.

Dedra attempted to control and restrict the funeral. Tigo attempted to interrupt it.

The result? Ferrix woke up. Death brought it to life. The finale features Clem, Nemik and Maarva speaking, as it were, from beyond the grave. Ghosts shared their dreams with the living.

Luthen sees the consequences. The fight for freedom is on.

Andor season 2 - the “needle drop” approach

It’s so interesting, but also a bit anxiety inducing, that they are going to structure Andor season 2 in these four 3-episode arcs that each take place over just a few days within each of the years remaining up until the time of Rogue One. Tony Gilroy refers to these as “ needle drops” . There is a lot of story to be told and arcs to follow for characters old and new - and I wonder how much of all this will happen in the year-long ‘gaps’. Because the majority of this time period will be happening offscreen, so to speak.

Leading to questions like:

… will we see how K2SO originated, or will he just be there at the start of one of the arcs? What about Melshi, or any of the other characters we know have to return for Rogue One?

… will a major character or two be killed off in one of those gaps? Could there be a significant move of location? The start or end of relationships? Even… a major Galactic event?

… will any of the missing pieces of information be filled in by flashback, or will the job be done by dialogue alone?

I’m generally optimistic, as there were time jumps already in season 1… notably the very big gap between Cassian’s arrival on Ferrix as a child and the start of the present day narrative. But this time there is just so much ground to cover.

I’m sticking with my theory that the Ghorman massacre will be in the second arc, mostly because I’m trying to manifest a Mon Mothma monologue written by the great Beau Wilimon. There will then be an arc free to follow the formation of the Rebel Alliance (and maybe get us to Yavin?!) before the final “just-days-before-Rogue One” arc.

Spoilers to follow below: some season 2 official stills so far. (Already… I have just so many questions. We’ll get the answers in April. At last! )

AO3 Writing Review... from an Andor Nut

After a gap of over twenty years I started writing fanfics again in March last year - entirely after getting completely and almost embarrassingly obsessed with Star Wars: Andor. That is my only fandom and I can’t see that changing anytime soon (obviously overlapping into Rogue One).  I’m a multishipper but have also written gen. 

The boring stats are that I published 39 works, totalling 94,519 words. 481 kudos. (I've lost the original prompt with whoever tagged me so forgive me - this a bit free-form.)

The work I’m most proud of is Dawn Chorus and that’s my only completed multi-chapter fic to date too. Not surprisingly perhaps, it’s also the one that’s had the most hits as it’s the oldest from the most popular ship I’ve written for (“Rebelcaptain”: Cassian Andor x Jyn Erso)  But I’m also really proud of the work with the least hits which is a poem: a sonnet based on Luthen Rael’s Andor monologue. 

Favourite Title: The Hardest Wall, which is that of my favourite of my Bix x Cassian fics. It’s very multi-meaning and I am a bit of a sucker for that kind of thing. 

Favourite ship: Bix x Cassian is my current favourite pairing and the one I’ve written for the most (there's a series dealing with their early checkered history... and because it's a relatively unpopular ship at the moment I've enjoyed somewhat cornering the market), but I’ve also really enjoyed writing several other ships including Luthen/Cassian, which I would not have expected at all when I first started. This is because of reading other people's wonderful fics - I’m always amazed about how great writers can make the unexpected work. Thanks to a chat with a couple of mutuals whose Brassian fics I’ve really admired ( @distressednoise and @notasapleasure ) I’m underway with having a go with that ship too.

My favourite gen fic is the series of strictly 100 word drabbles I did for each episode of Andor season 1. I’m really pleased with how those turned out, and as with writing sonnets and villanelles it seems that I really like the challenge of a strict form or structure. I really struggled at times to hit the 100 spot on but it feels so good to get the rules right. Favourite standalone gen fic is probably Making a Mark which is set in Cassian's time in youth custody.

The quickest work to write was the rebelcaptain fic Vision which I did in just a few hours. Kind of ironic that it got more hits and kudos than some works I struggled more with and probably prefer, but - again - it’s a popular ship. It’s nice to have an easy Hit on your hands sometimes though and I do enjoy writing RC - it's a way to give Cassian and Jyn the happy ending the film denied them.

The longest to write were the drabbles, simply because I didn’t have the energy or time to do more than one episode at a time. It also involved rewatching each episode first. 

The character I had the most trouble writing is Dedra Meero, who I’ve attempted a few times in the first person, as it’s so hard to capture the voice of someone who gives so little away. I also struggled a bit with Cinta, though I’m quite pleased with the couple of Velcinta works (story and poem) I have tackled. It helps to develop a headcanon about a character and be consistent with it, and I do return to the ‘text’ of the show itself to check for canon compliance. I’m pretty obsessed with not treading on the toes of canon (blame my teacherlyness!) , except where it’s an obvious AU.. but even then I want to the keep the characters recognisably themselves. 

Favourite line or passage? Probably the section with an extended metaphor involving Bix’s heart in The Hardest Wall, which is a fictionalised analysis of the angsty argument scene between Cassian and Bix in Episode 7. I really like the third person limited - it’s by far my favourite perspective, and you can have a lot of fun with it when a character is avoiding being completely honest (with themselves or others). 

But I won’t quote it here as it’s hard to give a passage from the middle as an example. Instead here’s one from the Cassian/Luthen Rael fic Small Kindnesses which is from the perspective of Luthen, and is basically an internal monologue about Cassian. 

Has anyone ever made a weapon that wasn’t used? I didn’t make this one, at least. He has forged himself, from the devastation of Kenari and the salyards of Ferrix. But I helped steer him in the right direction, at least. Well, the right direction for the cause, anyway. For him, as a person… not so much.

Nonetheless. Here he is. With his skin. Bruised and battered, scarred, marked, ready to bleed again at the gentlest knock against the scabs. Battle hardened. Primed and ready soon enough – with further training. Further guidance. He has proved himself more than worthy: slipping unseen, liquid shadow in the periphery of vision. Catlike soft footfalls, easing through undetected, walking in like he belongs, landing on his feet, learning to swim despite hating the water.

I’ve gifted four works this year, including for @jake-and-amy-are-married as they were so instrumental in encouraging me to start writing again, and a couple for my Andor bestie @adeptnenyim - who I was lucky enough to meet in person so we could Andor-Nut together at one of the series' locations. I’ve also been befriended and encouraged by various folks across a couple of Discord servers and by DMs on here. It’s lovely to have new friends from all over the world who share my un/healthy obsessions!

Have a Happy 2025 everyone. Enjoy writing… it’s for yourself, remember! You can be your own worst critic but also your own biggest fan. Write with that in mind. Write to please yourself, in the best sense. 

“Starting to believe his own sob-story”. Cassian’s sense of self-worth and the link to his relationship with Bix

“You need to get as far away from here as you can,” says Bix. It’s the third or fourth time Cassian has been told this so far since returning to Ferrix in Ep7, but through the masterful subtext we (and he) can tell that this is different. He can’t complacently and naively brush this off like he did before with comments like ‘Troopers won’t catch me!’. Because what Bix is really saying here is: “You know what? I’m totally fed up with you. You can fuck right off this time, actually.”

After looking stunned and hurt for a split second, making a little noise of wounded disbelief, Cassian’s face hardens and he coldly responds: “Don’t worry. I will. I AM. You won’t have to worry about me anymore!”

It’s actually a really cruel thing to say, because it’s effectively: “I know I’ve been a worry to you and that’s the only thing our relationship really is all about - your supposed love for me doesn’t extend beyond that”. But he’s also unwittingly playing into the ‘I’m a victim’ thing here. It’s a deliberately nasty retaliation to Bix but - as is often the case with Cassian - he’s actually really hurting himself here too, and he’ll realise that very soon.

The reason for this rejection and his response to it are interesting in terms of Cassian’s character development, both within the Season 1 timeline and the ‘missing years’ period before it. Tony Gilroy describes early-episodes Cassian as someone “who is starting to believe his own sob-story” and you can see that in quite a few places, notably when confronted by Luthen with the truth about his service on Mimban.

Cont. below

something that really just makes me go insane (/pos) is when you write a fic and like yeah you’re sorta proud of it, but you don’t really wanna be because what if it’s bad, but then that one mutual (<3) starts talking about little details they loved and you’re just like „holy shit?? This was weeks ago?? You still remember?” and that like brings out that pride you have in your own creation that you tried to stamp down because you were scared it wasn’t „good enough” (which it was!)

and I just love that feeling of knowing how much you poured into your writing, and fully appreciating your own creativity!! Even if it wasn’t right after publishing the fic.

I dunno, maybe this is just be being oddly specific, but as someone who has struggled a lot in the past with feeling any sort of pride in any sort of creative thing of mine, even if it turned out wonderfully, finding bits that just stick with you and you feel so so so good about having written feels like healing. And if someone else loves that bit just as much? Well damn now i’m on fucking cloud nine!!!!

Its not easy to learn how to be proud of your work, it takes time and experience; you make mistakes on the way, thinking hits and kudos mean your work is worthy, that likes are sacrasant and comments the be all and end all.

It takes a great deal of moral courage to believe in your work, you'll have times when you're out for a walk or on the way home from work in your car and you'll think "My work is shit, its not exciting, its not engaging. It isnt the same as *insert media type here* I can't write a story worth reading."

From one who's been there, and stil is there, you'll never be truely confident in your work; but thats good, because it means you're ready to adapt, try new things, change your work and add or take things away.

You're open to learning when you are still doubting - you ask questions of your work, when you stop doing that, you might as well hang up your pen and smash your keyboard.

Doubt keeps you sharp.

I don’t think this scene has been talked about enough(or even at all.) To me it’s very telling that Leida looks to Mon in this scene. The entire show she’s been a rebellious/spoiled teen trying to stick it to her mom anyway she can. Leida always makes it clear that she prefers Perrin because he lets her do whatever she wants and makes Mon out to be the villain. Yet when all is said and done and she’s meeting her potential future husband she turns to Mon, not Perrin. It’s hard to read her face, but there’s no malice, no spite, and she turns back just as soon as she looked over. I think that all Leida wants is for her mother to see her, to be proud of her. I’ve worked with kids my whole life and despite what they say, they always gravitate to the parents/teachers/counselors/guardians who enforce (healthy) boundaries, who don’t let them get away with anything and everything. A lot of her actions are clearly a desperate grab for Mon’s attention. The fact that Leida glances at Mon and then Mon glances at Leida right after pretty much sums up their relationship. Both looking when the other person is turned away, always just missing each other’s gaze. I hope Mon takes sometime to reach out to her daughter before it’s too late. I hope Leida can start to wake up and escape this mindset in the next season. I hope she turns to her mother in full and reaches out for help. I hope that one day, the stars align and their gazes finally connect and leads to them finally understanding each other as mother and daughter. I hope they finally meet each other’s gaze before it’s too late.