Everyone download your fics beforehand

to give a fuller, more honest response here, i do really think that for many people (myself included) 2016 felt like the last time the world seemed relatively "normal." to explain with a personal example, as a 31 year old in january 2026, i have voted in a total of four us presidential elections. of those four, three of them have had donald trump running as the republican nominee. and for many fully grown adults now, donald trump has been a dominating presence throughout their entire adult political life. if you are currently 30 years old or just turned 31, there has never been a presidential ballot without his name on it since you were able to start voting.

i think we sometimes forget now how unbelievably ridiculous and far-fetched it seemed pre-2016 that donald trump would get anywhere near political power, much less win two terms as president and bend the entire GOP (and frankly all of american politics) to his will. the idea that someone like him, as crude, vulgar, and unhinged as he is, could be taken seriously as US president was inconceivable. i think 2016 was a real "through the looking glass" moment for a lot of people and now, 10 years on, it's hard not to look back and see what a complete fucking trainwreck this has all led to.

@important-cat-pics

mutual just posted "ok i'm normal now". objective: survive their reverse-chronological dashboard breakdown (wave 1 of 30)

Men, boys, and eggs of my acquaintance, I cannot stress this enough:

Nobody worth being with will ever judge you based on your deli sandwich choices.

Sincerely, a dude who had to watch like two dozen men pretend to find vegetarian sandwiches unthinkable in order to maintain a sense of masculinity today.

The sando gender spectrum I osmoted this weekend according to a specific type of dude:

1. Roast beef is the most masculine of sandwiches. The only sandwich it is permissible to ask for by name (we did not have roast beef as an option).

2. Ham is an acceptable substitute for roast beef. There appears to be some controversy, however, over the bread options; we only had two, croissant or ancient grains roll (gluten free). Croissant is considered slightly more manly than ancient grains UNLESS you are under 20 in which case "ancient grain" sounds badass.

3. Turkey is okay, obviously not ham but if you don't like ham it's an option as long as you don't show enthusiasm for it. Definitely has to have mayo however. Mustard is a bit much. (Initial field research indicates mayo is the manliest of condiments but we have not introduced barbecue sauce into the study yet.)

4. Chicken salad is woman food. Absolutely not acceptable unless you announce loudly that it's for your wife or that she's making you for your health.

5. Vegetarian wraps require a recoil reaction or a sheepish "oh, no, no, what meats do you have?" protest. We had the veggie wraps off to one side so vegetarians could get to them more easily, and guys would come up to the wrap boxes because there was no crowd/line, then I'd say "that's veggie wraps" and they'd stagger back.

To be clear, most of the people of all genders at the event were totally fine, this was a small and specific set of guys -- mostly older dudes and (unsurprisingly) their young sons or grandsons. Maybe 20-30 people out of the 400+ attendees. But it really was both sad and a little funny to watch them unnecessarily assert their manhood using deli meat to me, a guy in a floral shirt with neon blue hair handing out box lunches at a charity event. My indifference to your masculinity is so vast it has its own international calling code, fellas.

Friends, I have volunteered in the lunch tent once more and I have new scientific findings to share regarding the Sandwich Gender Spectrum.

We still do not serve roast beef, the most toxically manly of all sandwiches, but it turns out that there is a sandwich option almost as masculine, the mention of which will preclude a certain type of dude from even asking for roast beef:

The Italian.

For those unfamiliar, an Italian sandwich in most American sandwich shops is composed of ham, capicola, salami, and sometimes pepperoni, with provolone, the usual sandwich veggies, and a drizzle of Italian dressing.

The hierarchy from ham-downwards remains undisturbed by this revelation currently rocking sandwich discourse, but new data has indicated that the Italian sandwich occupies a special place above ham and technically below roast beef but so acceptable a substitute for roast beef that I only had one guy ask me for it this time around. I would say, "We have ham, Italian, turkey, or veggie," and the Certain Kind Of Man would look skeptically at the ham and then ask for an Italian.

I am now working on my doctoral thesis in Sandwich Gender, where I will be examining whether there is a direct correlation between how masculine a sandwich is and how weirdly homoerotic the name is. I'm going to call it "I'd Like An Italian: Gender And Sexuality Between The Buns."

Ahead of the Sandwich Gender Spectrum Studies Department's annual report on the September 2025 new data release, I wanted to share some recent findings by a research colleague at a prestigious academic institution on the east coast:

My sample size is growing all the time and my research is replicable.

Field work in sandwich gender studies, sandothropology if you will, can be challenging at times. While my thesis has been supported by both independent researchers such as above and grant-holding professionals (aka "people who work in food service"), the window of time in which I perform my yearly field survey is brief.

This year a new variable was introduced. The selection of sandwiches we were given to hand out was reduced to three: ham, turkey, or vegetarian. For the first time, the vegetarian option was a sandwich and not a wrap, as well.

There seems to be something about the idea of a wrap that makes it particularly unpalatable to a Certain Kind Of Person; we didn't have anyone getting hissy about being offered vegetables this year, and also got far fewer remarks about getting a turkey sandwich "for the wife" or "because she's making me". Perhaps when your options are realistically ham or turkey, rather than an array of choices that you have to navigate correctly, the social pressure eases off. Plus, ham and turkey both fall in the middle of the spectrum, so they're a little more ambiguous than say, roast beef and chicken salad. Why bother performing gender for two almost equivalent options? (There's a bisexuality joke in here somewhere.)

I did have one guy furiously lecture me for about two minutes because we didn't have any sandwiches on wholegrain bread, but if we'd had more sandwich options he'd have been mad we were spending the organization's money unwisely on sandwich fripperies (I know him of old) so that barely registered.

The Sandwich Thing is one of my most memorable examples of not being a Real Man[1], when a colleague saw the wrapper of my (Brie, Cranberry, Grape, Rocket) sandwich and said “Isn’t that a bit feminine?”.

I’ll admit the phrase “I’m sorry you want to fuck my sandwich?” isn’t the *most* suitable for an office context, but it did make a third party expel cola from their nose.

[1] Probably Imaginary Man, because being a Complex Man[2] seems like a lot of effort into something I don’t really value[3].

[2] I.e Odysseus

[3] if you were to arrange a scale of gender-devotee from agender at 0 to transgender at 100, I’d look at you strangely for a moment then wander off talking about cultural obsessions with quantification.

[4] You’ve gone too far, abort.

Looking forward to Chuck Tingle's latest book, Pounded in the Butt by My Coworker's Feminine Sandwich.

Oh yeah, she deserved that Oscar bad

He wants to fuck her so bad it makes him look stupid

That's his fiancee.

This movie 🩵

I want to be competitive like this, but I am only food-motivated at this point in my life.

4x4 Inch Hand-Embroidered Hoop

This is art in pure form.

i'm going to argue that chronically online and chronically on phone are two different things actually. the phone internet is different from the real internet and companies are trying desperately to make the real internet more like the phone internet... and they're sadly succeeding. hope this makes sense and if it doesn't oh well

are we not feeling very pious today, brother lionel

i will not get involved in niche internet drama. i will not argue with annoying people online. i will privately note that they are wrong, and i am right, and i cannot change anyones mind on the internet. dune

Guys I was GIDDY with excitement when I realized the stick is how they figure out the standing-up perspective!!! I always figured people doing this stuff just had magical perspective powers but that makes SO MUCH SENSE what a cool tool!!! Amazing job!

WIZARD POSSUM WIZARD POSSUM WIZARD POSSUM 🪄🪄🪄🪄🪄🪄🪄🪄🪄

i think we should all start using arabic words and phrases more often because its a beautiful language and also theres not really. english equivalents that have the same vibes

theres also the comedy potential of it. you guys dont know the joy of having your muslim friend text you "hopefully the racists in our city will all get sick and cant go to the protest" and you, as a pasty white guy, responding with "inshallah they get covid"

its a one hit KO every time. its fucking hilarious. theres no english word that has the same effect.

he also once texted me that he got over a mysterious illness he came down with (i think? i cant remember the exact context) and i responded with "subhanallah he is cured"

again, one hit KO. he lost his shit.

what im saying is we gotta normalise arabic. its just a language like any other, and it has some great words. its just like saying "thank god" or whatever, but theres so much variety and nuance. its beautiful

what do inshallah and subhanallah mean so I could potentially use em in the correct situations? And potential words I could use?

OK LETS DO THIS

disclaimer i am not arab or muslim and i dont speak arabic but @frogofalltime has explained these words to me and says im using them correctly lmao

inshallah - "if god wills it". like an "i hope this happens" kind of thing. remember the finding nemo poster "inshallah they find him" meme if that helps. used in future tense.

mashallah - "god has willed it", used when something good happened. can be used to denote awe about an event or person. used in past tense.

alhamdulillah - essentially "thank god" or "praise be to god". like mashallah and inshallah but stronger, and can be used in any tense (i think). he will be baked soon alhamdullilah

subhanallah - "glory be to god". like alhamdullilah but stronger. used for when something almost miraculous happens!

those are all the ones i remember off the top of my head im sure binya can add more (and also confirm whether ive got my translations right)

mashaallah robin my faithful student you translated and explained all of this so well :0

there's also astaghfirullah which means "i seek forgiveness in god" which you use when you or someone else does something haram (forbidden / sinful / wrong). tbh we use it in a lot of jokey contexts like if someone swears in a conversation you can call them out like "astaghfirullah haram !"

and bismillah which means "in the name of god" which you can use before doing something, we often use it before doing a difficult thing like when you are struggling to open a bottle or something lmao. or you can say it when someone falls or drops something or gets injured. idk

appalachians need this they will be unstoppable

There’s definitely something to doing a mix-and-match with semantically-similar rural-American colloquialisms. I think “Inshallah and the creek don’t rise” has a nice ring to it.

Lord that rolls off the tongue so good 😭