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@gatheringbones / gatheringbones.tumblr.com

30’s backwoods dyke, white, best not to engage, block #currently reading

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Leonard Cohen, from The Book of Mercy (1984)

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armadillo-dream-deactivated2024

[Text ID (added paragraph breaks): "Israel, and you who call yourself Israel, the Church who calls itself Israel, and the revolt that calls itself Israel, and every nation chosen to be a nation—none of these lands are yours, all of you are thieves of holiness, all of you at war with Mercy.

Who will say it? Will America say We have stolen it, or will France step down? Will Russia confess, or will Poland say, We have sinned? All bloated on their scraps of destiny, all swaggering in the immunity of superstition.

Ishmael, who was saved in the wilderness, and given shade in the desert, and a deadly treasure under you: has Mercy made you wise? Will Ishmael declare, We are in debt forever? Therefore the lands belong to none of you, the borders do not hold, the Law will never serve the lawless.

To every people the land is given on condition. Perceived or not, there is a Covenant, beyond the constitution, beyond sovereign guarantee, beyond the nation's sweetest dreams of itself. The Covenant is broken, the condition is dishonored, have you not noticed that the world has been taken away? You have no place, you will wander through yourselves from generation to generation without a thread.

Therefore you rule over chaos, you hoist your flags with no authority, and the heart that is still alive hates you, and the remnant of Mercy is ashamed to look at you.

You decompose behind your flimsy armor, your stench alarms you, your panic strikes at love.

The land is not yours, the land has been taken back, your shrines fall through empty air, your tablets are quickly revised, and you bow down to hell beside your hired torturers, and still you count your battalions and crank out your marching songs.

Your righteous enemy is listening. He hears your anthems full of blood and vanity, and your children singing to themselves. He has overturned the vehicle of nationhood, he has spilled the precious cargo, and every nation he has taken back.

Because you are swollen with your little time. Because you do not wrestle with your angel. Because you dare to live without God. Because your cowardice has led you to believe that the victor does not limp."]

[“Old age means, first and foremost, loneliness. The last old man I knew—he lived in the adjacent courtyard—died five years ago, or maybe it’s been even longer…seven years ago…I’m surrounded by strangers. People come from the museum, the archive, the encyclopedia…I’m like a reference book, a living library! But I have no one to talk to…Who would I like to talk to? Lazar Kaganovich would be good…There aren’t many of us who are still around, and even fewer who aren’t completely senile. He’s even older than me, he’s already ninety. I read in the papers…[He laughs.] In the newspaper, it said that the old men in his courtyard refuse to play dominos with him. Or cards. They drive him away: “Fiend!” And he weeps from the hurt. Ages ago, he was a steel-hearted People’s Commissar. He’d sign the execution lists, he sent tens of thousands of people to their deaths. Spent thirty years by Stalin’s side. But in his old age, he doesn’t even have anyone to play dominoes with…[After this, he speaks very quietly. I can’t tell what he’s saying, I only catch a few words.] It’s scary…Living too long is scary.”]

Svetlana Alexeivich, Secondhand Time: The Last of the Soviets

That passage about biting off a corpse’s tongue laid eggs in my brain and it’s driving me crazy bc I Do Not Know What Any Of That Means.

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Haven’t you ever had to come to terms with a horrible truth so that you could conduct yourself with honor and dignity?

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hell I read it and oh hey that’s confronting the reality of incest with an estranged autistic mother

remember that time my sister asked me if I’d read fourth wing and I said I was still stuck on third wing

patricia evans, controlling people, adams media, 2002:

[”Just as signs of separateness threaten the Control Connection, so, too, do they threaten the Controller’s identity. Any reality, belief system, or way of being, if it doesn’t conform to his or her view, can challenge the Controller.
To allow room for views other than their own would be to open up to an experience that could disrupt, even dismantle, the deep-rooted belief systems on which Controllers base their identity. Their beliefs hold them together, so to speak. Alienated from their inner experience, bereft of self-knowledge and self-acceptance, Controllers increasingly need assurance that they are who they believe themselves to be.
They need this acceptance and agreement from outside themselves because they have made themselves up from the outside in. They oppose Witnesses not only to preserve the Control Connection, but also to preserve their identity.
The Controller’s opposition to others’ views often takes the form of countering. Countering is verbal opposition that negates the other’s opinions, feelings, and beliefs: “You’re wrong.” “That’s not what you’re feeling.” “That’s not what you meant.” (See my earlier book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond, 1996, Adams Media Corporation, for an in-depth look at countering.) Countering prevents relationships, and even though many Controllers know this and really want to stop this oppressive behavior, they often find it difficult to do so. Why? Because different ideas, beliefs, and perceptions— the very appearance of a different “outside”— are threatening to them.
The “outside” is so important to Controllers that they may give up their integrity to gain acceptance, even resort to deception to maintain their image. It is almost a “life or death” issue for them because, just as they mistake the other for a Pretend Person, they mistake themselves for their own image.
The need to be right and the need to look good are closely related. The following self-revelation is shared by a former Controller turned Spellbreaker. I find its honesty refreshing. “I would never do anything that might be perceived improper by the general public. In public I wouldn’t burst into a rage or demean someone because that would ruin my squeaky-clean image. In public my need to be right was satisfied even when I didn’t win if I was seen as a good sport. It’s like you can be right but look like an idiot if you lose your cool expressing it. What matters is who sees. And I was a master. No one saw. I deeply needed others to respect me. One of my greatest fears was that someone besides my wife would find out I was behaving improperly.”
Driven by the fear of neither looking good nor of being socially “acceptable”, some Controllers spend their lives in pursuit of the “right” clothes, the “right” car, the “right” spouse, and the “right” career. Each of these items, in order to be “right” must fit within a particular scheme of things, fabricated into an identity that substitutes for the one denied them.”]

patricia evans, controlling people, 2002

[If we can describe and name the problem I believe that we will then see its solution. If the picture is very clear, the solution will be most evident. For instance, if the “problem” were a knot in a tangled cord and you could see it and describe it clearly, “The cord goes up here, around her, down there, is looped back and across this,” you would see the solution to the problem. You would know how to untie it. Similarly, we will explore this problem so that the solution is clear. The problem concerns why people act against people, oppressing them in attempts to control them.
It is important that we look directly at the problem and that we not get sidetracked. Some people, taking their cue from the perpetrators of oppressive behaviors, look in the opposite direction from where the problem lies. Influenced by the perpetrators, these people, in a backwards way, explain violence and abuse as caused by the victim— something a person was “asking for” or “at least partially responsible for,” or “should have seen coming,” or “created,” or “deserved,” or “wanted.” Or they explain oppression as being the work of something bodiless, something beyond the world, beyond time and space altogether, something done by the personification of evil itself. The devil. Badness itself made it happen. But making up a “devil” to serve as a handy scapegoat would divert us from our search.]

That passage about biting off a corpse’s tongue laid eggs in my brain and it’s driving me crazy bc I Do Not Know What Any Of That Means.

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Haven’t you ever had to come to terms with a horrible truth so that you could conduct yourself with honor and dignity?

more date ideas that aren’t staring at each other miserably in an overstimulating restaurant: botanical garden amble, museum amble, antique store amble, sedentary scrapbook comparison, sedentary playlist comparison, fancy grocery store amble, cheese plate mutual assemblage, the mutual recitation of poetry, cooking for her, cooking for her, cooking for her

bruh stop making me google shit the fuck is an amble man stop making stuff up

to amble is to walk slowly and leisurely.

if you walk slowly and leisurely to a dictionary you may find that I did not make it up.

This person is obviously a rage baiter, and a very unpleasant person. Do not engage.

I’m also an unpleasant person don’t ever tell me what to do

[“Though in the light of hindsight much of the NLF training program must seem to be little more than a thoroughgoing civics course, there was one aspect of it that went beyond all the boundaries which Westerners customarily draw around the concept “education.” This was the institution of khiem thao, “criticism” or “self-criticism” (the words mean “to verify” and “to discuss”).

Used previously by the Chinese Communists and the Viet Minh, khiem thao was a “truth game” in which every member of the organization from the lowliest soldier to the highest cadre had to participate. In the “criticism sessions,” held on a regular basis as a part of the daily activities, each NLF member had to admit his own failings and given his honest opinion about the conduct of all the other members of the group. Within the sessions he did not have to fear punishment for his own errors other than the most devastating one of concerted group criticism. Only if he refused to participate would he incur the final penalty of expulsion by the group.

Khiem thao was a game in which the rules of life were suspended, but it was a game designed to reach back into life and change its players. When the NLF recruits came into the army or the administration, they arrived almost totally insulated from their fellow men by their masks of “politeness.” Suspicious of both their commanders and their peers, they remained attentistes, always watching for a sign of trouble, always on the point of defection. The khiem thao sessions forced them to participate, forced them to break down all the defenses which they had built up around them in childhood.

For the newcomer “criticism” was a terrifying experience. “When they were being criticized,” reported one squad leader, “their manner was correct and humble, but when the khiem thao was over, some would leave the unit to go home or to rally to the GVN, while others would swear and then forget all about it. We lost a lost of men because of those criticism sessions. After all, every man has his self-respect, and when his short-comings were brought up publically, he was hurt.”

But to the extent that khiem thao was painful, so it was perhaps necessary to the functioning of the entire organization. If the recruits could not strip themselves of their anxieties about each other and the power of the group, they could not begin to work together or to commit themselves to a common cause. Without a real psychological readjustment, their loyalties to any organization, other than that of their own families, would remain only surface deep. Given the newcomer’s ambivalence between fear of the group and desire to belong to it, the cadres had to strike a delicate balance in their disciplinary measures. As one Party manual warned:

The criticism must be made in a spirit of mutual, comradely affection, helping each other to reform. But criticism in a hostile spirit does harm, causes loss of face, goes too far, etc. Criticism of this kind really causes divisions and prejudices in the Party. It is not useful for helping each other to correct defects, in a spirit of compassion, to advance together.

In practice the Party cadres attempted to restrain the low-level guerrilla fighters from discussing more than the details of the day-to-day work. (Burchett, for instance, observed several of these tactical khiem thao sessions going on in the intervals between the practice attacks on the GVN blockhouse.) Discussion of more profound and difficult matters was reserved for those who had already developed strong attachments to the Front — and was used primarily as a corrective. If a supply system broke down or a battalion performed badly in a fight, not only the top-ranking officers, but the entire group of cadres who bore some responsibility for the operation would meet for a period of perhaps two or three weeks to discuss their technical errors and the obstacles in their communication with each other.

No one but the NLF cadres themselves know what went on at these sessions, and thus it is possible only to imagine the process in a rather distant and abstract manner. Given a safe forum in which to express his own grievances, the cadre came to see that he did not depend directly on any one member of the group. He could put his case on the table with some assurance that it would be judged on its own merits rather than on a personal basis. When, as must frequently have happened, two members quarreled, the group would not dissolve itself until the matter was settled by mutual agreement. With some experience at khiem thao the cadre would grow less and less afraid to disagree with another member, for he would realize that by initiating a verbal conflict he did not risk his entire career in the Front, or indeed his life. By the same token, he would come to understand that when others criticized him for mishandling a situation, they were not doing it from motives other than that of desire to get the job done better the next time. The knowledge came as a revelation — though one perhaps gradually arrived at; and if he allowed it to, that revelation could change his life. What mattered now was not the maintenance of “face,” but the competence to deal with the “objective” problems that confronted the entire group.

By forcing the cadres into conflict and limiting the damage done by it, the khiem thao sessions opened up entirely new channels of communication within the NLF. From the outside it is impossible to match cause exactly with result. But it takes only a small stretch of the imagination to see that in melting down the whole hierarchical structure of relationships the khiem thao gave the NLF a strength that could be measured in battalions. If, for instance, a number of soldiers from one company died or deserted, the local Front commander would have an excellent chance of hearing about his losses and taking measures to deal with them. His counterpart in the ARVN, by contrast, rarely knew how many men he commanded. The ARVN company, battalion, and regimental commanders made it a general practice to conceal their losses in the hopes of disguising their own failures or of collecting the pay due to the missing men.”]

frances fitzgerald, from fire in the lake: the vietnamese and the americans in vietnam, 1972

was talking to c about my work issues and she said well yeah it’s what you were saying to me about that vietnam book

and I said what part

and she said well the part where they all had to talk to each other and exchange respectful criticism if they wanted to get anywhere and it all had to be mission-centric

and I said are you talking about the Vietnamese communist practice of khiem thao

and she said yeah that sounds right

hang on, you know what i liked? i liked that awful mindbendy bit where sand is talking to her and he’s using his randall flagg voice to give her his pitch on, well, him,  and they do that effect on his face that makes it seem like it’s becoming, her face, like he takes on her brow and her lopsided eyes and meandering scar before morphing back into his. it’s eerie and upsetting and slightly nauseating, and it all feels like some horrible spell being cast over you and mandy both. if you’ve ever experienced the feeling of being coerced it just seems to bring every association you’ve ever had with it right to the forefront.

which is why the laughter feels so good. everything about him and his fucking speech feels absolutely terrible and the laughter just breaks it in half over its knee. if you’ve ever had the fantasy of just bursting into peals of hysterical laughter in the face of a Specific Person it hits you right where you live.

Having seen seen her during a backwoods drive, Sand insists on possessing her. As his gaudy solo LP spins on her turntable and LSD warps her world into a purple-pink fog of slo-mo chemtrails, Sand confronts Mandy with his ideology of entitlement: After being “wracked with unspeakable pain” for not getting a record deal, Sand was contacted by God, who “gave me his deepest and warmest permission to go out into this world and take what is so very much mine.” He then waits for her response. Mandy may have once been broken, but she has rebuilt herself and her world to what it is now, and is immune to Sand’s drugged mind games.
And so she laughs. As Sand opens his robe to show her his penis, she cackles. At the music, at the bullshit mythologizing, at his pitiful Children, at him. Louder and louder, with furiously spiteful glee, Mandy laughs at Sand, a shockwave howl that annihilates him. Standing naked before his family, futilely trying to masturbate his limp dick, Sand is reduced to tearfully begging a mirror to tell him what to do. Her laughter is is a weapon, and as it shatters Sand’s manhood to shriveled splinters, it gives Mandy its most deliriously purgative and powerful scene, and it gives Mandy her most astonishing, exhilarating moment, as she funnels a lifetime of strength and suffering into one jagged, wailing laugh, a laugh that grows as rumbling and impossibly deep as her inner voice, a laugh that devours Sand’s entire world.

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