i am in this weird state rn, where i see all this signs and admit that it is silly to deny that i am some sort of transmasculine, but i still don't want to commit to admitting. i thought my next step would be talking to trans people in my area, like in general, to compare the way i describe myself to theirs (language specifics and all), but i realised what a hurdle would it be... it's either trying to find a needle in a haystask (there's barely a community of people from my country on foreign social media, let alone a community of trans people. they are there, ppl are just hiding their country of origin or are simply way too assimilated into american internet) or trying to do anything in limelight (there is local social media, but it is very chummy with the government and puts you at a great risk for expressing any nonconformity). looking up stuff is fine here for now, i suppose, but the generational (!) trauma of being under surveillance and being at risk of being repressed for expressing something wrong just the right way is still present. maybe i am not risking anything, but the fear is there and really strong, if you get what i am saying. i don't have any way of checking, so i guess nothing i could do about the fear...
i suppose it wouldn't hurt talking to someone who doesn't know all specifics of being trans or transmasc in particular in the country i live in, but also i don't see how that would put my mind at ease. differences in language are definetely at play, but also from what i noticed westerners see a bit more things related to their identity that are under their control, compared to ppl here. the particularities of trying to transition here. i know how usamericans can do it, i am not usamerican though. i am glad such and such options exist in the eu, my country isn't in the eu though
...also callback to that one time i tried to open the page with diy t resources. i guessed it was aimed at usamericans, and very little advice would be helpful to me. but i wouldn't have guessed that my country's ip addresses were banned/not supported. it almost made me think that absolutely noone cares about me. not my government, that tries to curbstomp anything non-cishet, not people like me around me, who are trying to avoid unnecessary attention, not people like me far away from me, who just don't consider my existence
uscentrism erases so much nuance. i don't demand immediate attention to every country other than the us, but it would be really nice that conversations about transitioning or just living as a transmasc didn't talk about usamerican experience as the default. it's one country out of 250ish. it's 50 states out of thousands of other states, regions, bundesländer, oblasti and other subdivisions. i can't call that service. stocking up controlled substances doesn't really work like that here.
sorry for focusing my ask on uscentrism, but my experience with transmasculitity is shaped by it in an unpleasant way. it's been gnawing at me just about the same as my uncertainty about accepting the label
